My husband has constantly gambled for years. It all came to a head when he got into severe debt and he walked out . 2 years later after he spent that time living in his car , we got back together and sorted out a debt plan . What happens now is, when he gets paid , he puts everything (apart from £500 a months , which is his money) into my account and all bills etc are paid from my account, this way I know the mortgage and bills are all being paid.
My dilemma is - I know as I saw his bank statement that with this £500 a month he gambles with it , I saw on his statement. We can't afford to live apart as mortgage is massive etc. Now I know the bills are paid and my son and myself have a roof over our head .
I haven't confronted him as I know it will cause a massive upset, I am planning to just carry on until a) my son is older, or b) when mortgage is finAlly paid off (around10 yrs) I can then afford to live on just my wage alone
Do you think I am being stupid?? I can't honestly say I am in love with him anymore , he works away in the week so we don't see each other that much
Hi johnken. Stupid is not a good word for anyone who is involved with an addict. We are naive, and also a gambler will hide and deny everything. Does your husband gamble the whole £500 and then stop? If he does can you really afford it? Gambling addiction is progressive and it gets out of control very quickly. Do you know if he has debt, credit cards, etc. Can you do a credit check? Safe guard yourself and your finances. Do not pay any of his debts. Find a gamanon meeting and you will get advice and support.
Addicted gamblers can't gamble in a controlled manner for any length of time. . Even if he's sticking to that eye-watering £500 a month now there's no guarantee he will in the future and you can't be sure he's even sticking to that without delving into his credit reports. There's very often significant undisclosed debt lurking in the background. Trying to plan future finances with an active gambler in the equation is futile. They can and do lie, manipulate,cheat and end up taking everyone around down with them. If confronting him will cause massive upset it's an indication he's not ready to stop and that can only lead to disaster.
Act now to protect your own position starting with full control of and access to every aspect of his finances then get support for yourself.
Hi
People in the recovery program find out that they are emotionally vulnerable.
Hence there is a room for the Gambler and a seperate room for the people partners wives who have been betrayed and in pain.
Each room will help people talk out their pains fears and frustrations and find find healing and resolve for the pains they are suffering.
I am an addict and understand that I was emotionally vulnerable long before I got consumed with my unhealthy habits.
Is it possible for people to have loving feelings if they are in pain.
It was important for me to handle over my finances 100% to my wife who gave me daily money just so I could have meal coffee.
The simple fact was that I could not be trusted with money, money was the fuel for my addictions and my obsessions.
Sadly one can take money away from an addict but it will not help when a person is vulnerable.
Hence meetings help us help our self.
How much do I value myself today.
How much do I love myself today.
How much do I want to get healthy today.
How much do I want to exchange my unhealthy habits in to healthy habits today.
No one could stop me gambling that had to be my own healthy choice.
Sadly once in to my recovery I found out that my wife Shirley had some emotional baggage from her child hood.
The spiritual recovery is about healing our hurt inner child.
The spiritual recovery is about learning to love our hurt inner child.
The spiritual recovery is about learning to mature and become complete and whole in our self.
Do I want to live in pain and fear for the rest of my life.
Not today I want to be able to let people know when I am emotionally vulnerable.
I want to be able to love myself and love other people.
I want to be able to let love myself and love other people.
Just for today I will not gamble.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi Johnken and Welcome to the forum.
Its not a stupidity issue and I understand all the grey areas of this. However you are playing with uncertainty and some would say playing with fire.
A gambling addiction is a drug addiction. Therefore you can not rely on set limits you think he is taking. Its also a massive alarm bell that he is still gambling at all after the mess it created.
Its not an income scheme or an investment as you know. Its a mugs game based on odds he does not set. Nobody is offering him life changing odds on a no brainer decision...Nobody!!...for to do so would be giving money away. He is giving his money away on those odds and you will have little security or peace of mind.
All his money should really be coming to you but it sounds as though you have set up a tentative situation based on paying a mortgage.
Unfortunately you must also get help to face reality and face the truth. Ive been a compulsive gambler and I wouldnt live with one, never mind have a financial arrangement with them.
Im not saying he in inherently bad. I am saying that problem gambling (indeed any gambling) is a highly addictive and dangerous activity.
He should be living on a sandwich allowance and content that the roof over his head is being paid for. 10 years with an active gambler is a very long time. Its sounds as if he is getting uppity...Perhaps you should remind him of all the problems it caused. Im afraid some sort of confrontation is almost inevitable if you are safe to do so
You need your eyes wide open and you need to learn about the sheer power of this addiction. It laughs at £500 limits because it seeks a fix at all costs.
This is your life and your decision. we are simply here to tell you of the insecurity of living with a gambler.
This is about your pride and mental health but I do understand that its not always a black and white decision. Its your decision but we hope you get lots of advice from everywhere.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
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