I have been married to my husband for a year and have recently had a baby.
Since being married me husbands behaviour became erratic, emotionally abusive, mood swingy .He was constantly running out of money and somehow I ended up regularly giving him money. We nearly split up when i was pregnant. He would get angry, shout and me snd I couldn’t understand what I had done or why he was so angry .He was unreliable with money and I paid for everything.I became very unwell and as heavily pregnant separated and stayed with family whilst I recovered.He stayed In the home I which is in my name During that time He promised me that he would change and appeared to have improved although looking back he had just become more distant and evasive. I didn’t really return until shortly before my due date.I felt v sad and unhappy but put it down to my hormones. After I had the baby my husband became controlling, would shout at me around the baby , lied, made me concerned he may give up his job because of comments he made. I paid for all bills and rent ect . His contribution was v small and I ended up spending more on him in food shopping and the money I had to give to him when he ran out. There was always an excuse as to why.I became v frightened of him and scared that I would say the wrong thing and make him angry. In the end I left him as I did not want to expose my baby to the environment and I felt v unwell . I have since found out through a bank statement , the first I have seen that he is regularly gambling and borrowing money from others. I have also been made aware the has taken out numerous loans in the past.I have confronted him about the gambling and he denies it , despite the evidence. He lies and lies try’s to deflect and manipulate. He now barely talks to me unless by email, barely wants to see his baby and says he is unwell but instead goes out. I am aware that he tells others I have post natal depression and that I try and stop him from seeing his child . He has also tried to bully other family into giving him money.
He says he still loves me but I cannot return to him how ever much it kills me inside. I cannot put my child at risk.one positive is we do not have any joint finances .
I have two questions and would b v grateful for advice .
I am due to meet with him to discuss him getting out of my home so that I can go back there also child contact. How can I get the best from the meeting if he will not admit gambling and how can I prevent him attempting to manipulate me.
My second question, how the hell do you get over something like this. He promised me the world and has torn me apart.I am trying to be strong for my child but the pain is immense .
I am waiting to hear about counselling.
Thank you for taking the time to read all of this ,I have wanted to post for a while.
Hi Esme. Congratulations on your baby. Concentrate on her/him. I would call stepchange and get advice. They are associated with debt but also other areas. I have had great advice from them. I had postnatal depression too, numerous factors but one I didn't realise was the absence of my husband! I know now he was gambling. If you feel unhappy or worse get to the dr. I resisted and became very unwell. The longer you're ill the longer to recover. There's no shame, you need to be 100% for baby. Tell him you know he's gambling. He's consumed by addiction. He needs help too. Don't give him money, don't enter into discussion or arguments. Can you get to a gamanon meeting? That's where real help and support is. There is online gamanon meeting Sunday nights 8-9. Secure all your finances, do credit checks Experian, clearscore, noddle, mse (money saving expert). Don't have any joint accounts. You can emotionally support a cg if they agree to stop. I stayed, my son's 18 now. The key is to get help and support for yourself. They become distant and secretive whilst they continue. Communication is important. If he agrees to get help he should handover finances and attend GA. If not get yourself legal advice. If you're scared take an independent person with you. As for getting over this? Counselling helps but is not ongoing. Learn about addiction and get strong, detach from the gambling. Focus on the person.
Thank you v much . The problem is he won’t even admit he gambles. He seems to spend most of his time avoiding me . I have tried offering support but he. Just says he does not gamble. He also seems to lie about absolutely everything even if not related to money. Trying to research as much as possible and focus on baby . I am not sure how I can progress anything ?
Compulsive gamblers are compulsive liars. Everything becomes avoidance tactics. I would want to get back in the house. He's in paradise, peace and quiet to gamble, you pay the bills. I would definitely get legal advice.
Hey Esme100.
So sorry to read of your problems. I am not the best person to be giving advice but you need to look after yourself and your little one. Your husband has sounds like he has chosen gambling. If he cannot admit he has a problem then you cannot help him. I was in a relationship where I lied about my gambling continuously. My ex partner wanted me to get help but I never did. She couldn't take the lies and deception anymore and we split up. She done what was right for her and my daughter. I was dragging her down but I couldn't see it. Thankfully, we managed to keep things amicable so my daughter never suffered. I di believe that every father has a right to see their child providing they are safe. If you cant work things out I would definitely seek legal advice. That also might give him the shock he needs to change his ways. Good luck. I hope things work out.
Thank you so much for both of your replies. Hearing from people that understand gambling is such a relief .
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