Hi all just looking for advise , my partner has yet again relapsed , after Over 18 months Out of no where. Together about 3 yrs and seriously thinking of calling it a day . But the guilt is killing me and thoughts of not being with him , but my fear is I will live my life around him and my faith is based on him relapsing again could be a year could be 5 yrs but still is it any way to live ? Appreciate advice
Hi there, im sorry to here about what you are going through. Unfortunately the only experience I have is from the other point of view. I have already lost one relationship with the mother of my child due to my gambling and I live in fear everyday that I will lose my current partner also. But in my own personal experience the urge to gamble always outweighs my fear of losing loved ones. I am in the same position as your partner because letting down mine hurts so much every time, ofcourse you know your own relationship and in the end must do what is right for you. But things like ultimatums such as you have to stop or im leaving only means that the gambling has won and you're partner will never recover because if you lose someone you care about because of the addiction you feel as though it has absolute control over you. He has to want to quit for himself otherwise it will always come back. As for how you want to live youre own life, only you know what will make you happy, personally i have a better relationship with my childs mother now because that was the right decision for us at that time. I hope it all works out for you both.
Thank you for your response , it’s helps to see it from both sides and get a better understanding .
I think the difference this time is there was consequences for his action , I got him to move out and now it’s the guilt and realisation that he has lost his home his family . Wedding called off and now at the stage he’s back at meetings and counselling and making every promise under the sun, it won’t happen again , But I know he only has so much control over this and I do understand this is an illness . But how many chances and risks do you take with your own future . I’m torn but giving it time . Other than gambling you could not meet a nicer kinder more loving person which is the killer because that one fault could cause so much damage in the future. I know only I can make that decision but it probably one of the hardest I’ve ever had to make.
Wishing you well for your own future and thank you again for your reply
@gg66 I've posted a longer detailed version of my take on this situation before but in short I think it boils down to one thing. How much work and effort he want to puts into getting better and changing those things about him that lead him back to gambling.
Not just the promises but the action that he takes, otherwise you might as well call it a day because your life will become entangled in his gambling.
Now saying that, you haven't said what his relapse involved or even does to you but if he has a problem, which is why he abstained in the first place, I can't imagine it was good.
Thank you your reply.
this relapse seems to have come from no where , we were in a good place , spoke on phone One day and within an hour had went and gambled all his wages , as he gets paid monthly this leaves me to sort all bills etc and play catch up yet again ! He has come a very long way over the years and seemed to have control over this , attending meetings and counselling . But maybe got too confident that he could control his urge to gamble . And with lockdown meetings were forgotten
one think that sticks in my mind that’s different this time ,is he slept on it and told me the next day , the last time it was instant he called me straight away , completely disgusted with himself and upset . But as I said previously there was no consequences, which may contribute to relapsing , I dont know .
Thanks again for your reply it really does help hearing others experience from both sides
Sorry to hear that you have been dealing with this situation , I know it can be really upsetting as an affected other going through this .
There's support available for your partner and for you, and anyone affected by this , and you are never alone . You can contact us anytime on 0808 8020 133 or via our website on our Netline service , and please try to encourage your partner to also do this.
In regards to the financial side of things a good organisation to call would be Step change on 0800 138 1111 . They offer advice on debt and money issues and can help with setting up payment plans and budgets .
Thanks for posting and sharing this, and take care.
@gg66 Okay, so he was going to meetings too. The current situation hasn't helped and I know through experience that a lot of GA members who normally go to physical meetings haven't gone on line for the Zoom meetings. I'm surprised that more people haven't relapsed considering the support network is currently down.
As he has admitted it straight away I would say that's a big sign, but it may be there was no other option.
It is a diffiult situation for you as it's not just about the money but obviously that does have an impact on your lives.
The biggest difference for me, albeit too late with my now ex-wife, was working the 12 steps through GA, and everyone I have so far helped go through it too has stayed clean and really started to work on themselves.
I suppose ultimately it's your life and you have to make the decision based on your wants and needs.
Hi GG and welcome.
Your partner has an addiction and you must protect yourself and then you can take a deep breath to decide if the relationship is worth your time.
You can never be complacent again and neither can he. Its not your fault so you are in no way to blame amd you cant be too hard on yourself
Unfortunately gambling like any bad substance addiction takes loved ones along for the hell ride to consequence city.
Im not saying he is inherently bad but you can not let this be a blind love. Im sure he has qualities and I would like to think you can help him. However you have a job on which isn't too difficult if he is ready for help
He will make this history with help but you will need control of the finances and to be monitoring him for a long long time...some say a lifetime but if he is ready for help he will feel a great sense of relief and even serenity that you are helping him.
The pressure eases but control of any large sums of money is a must. You may need legal advice about the roof over your head but thats just you being sensible here.
The decision you make is for you. We are not relationship counsellors but we can tell you about the danger of this addiction which just comes out of the blue on many triggers.
Oh and he needs reality in healthy doses so that means sensibly worded ultimatums that you wont tolerate a gambling and its not acceptable to you. he needs to realise that he is actually gambling with you and a future together.
He needs to learn about this addiction so therapy and GA meetings can also help
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi thanks for your reply , we have tried that but now it’s a case of do I or should I have to monitor and mind someone for the rest of my life . Well that what it feels like
At this stage I’ve come to the decision my future / security and my kids has to be the priority . And as much as you can love someone the risk is too high .