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15 years later and still in the same place  

 
Lucaszade
(@lucaszade)

I posted back in April at the start of lockdown having realised that my husband was no longer in recovery and had ran up around £9k in new debt. I still haven't confronted him, we've been getting on so well that it's so hard to make that jump and rock the boat. His bank statement came today whilst he was out and I know it's wrong but I opened it, I just wanted to be sure that my instincts are right and that he is in fact still gambling. Well from what I can gather he's gambling online every night, his mum and dad are bankrolling him - god knows what reason he's giving them for needing so much money every month when we both have such good jobs and have been so fortunate not to be affected financially by Covid. (They also know he has a gambling problem which is why I don't understand them giving him so much money into his account and never mentioning it to me). It also looks like he is probably playing poker on his nights with his friends judging by the money being swapped between their accounts. A huge amount of money that I reluctantly gave him when he got a bonus as he claimed he wanted to give some to his dad was in fact paid to his friend. 

This makes it all so much more difficult, even if he was to agree to online blocking software, no credit cards, letting me see monthly credit reports, he now has a whole social circle based around gambling which he never had before and since moving a long way from home these are now his only friends and I know he won't give them up. I know that once the casinos are open that they will be going there again which is also something I can't track. After 15 years I know that I can't control his behaviour, only mine and in my head I know it's time. When I look back at the early years I know I should have left and I don't want to look back in 15 years time and think the same. 

On paper it's easy and obvious, we're married but no kids and no mortgage and no joint debt but gambling isn't the whole him, it's a part of him and there are still parts of him I love so whilst the head says leave the heart isn't so easy to convince. I just started seeing a therapist so I'm hoping that will help me find the confidence to stand up for myself and work out what I want but also felt the need today to rant somewhere to people who get it! I think I always hope to find happy endings on here, but sadly these seem to be few and far between! 🙁

Quote
Posted : 14th November 2020 6:14 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi lucaszade I don’t know if I responded last time, I will try and search around the forum to find it.

Its ok for you to have boundaries. It’s ok to open the post. You don’t have to leave but things need to change.

Can you talk to your partner? Think about what you want, what is worrying you and how you feel.

Talking when things are calm, or writing things down.

If you can’t do that then focus on you and how you can change.

He’s asking his parents so he can hide the lack of funds from you. They are his enablers which makes them feel better but comes with it’s own problems. You don’t know what he’s telling them as a reason for needing money. 
Addiction or problem gambling whatever you call it, affects everyone. If you ignore it, it just gets worse.

I would call gamcare or go to the gamanon website. Get some help.

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 15th November 2020 8:26 am
Chris.UK
(@chris-uk)

@lucaszade Have you considered talking to his parents and finding out why they are lending him money? I know I would say one thing to one person and a different thing to another. If you can get together and talk about the potential harm he's causing then you could have an intervention and give him a chance to come clean. 

As for not finding happy endings, there are some but it takes work and effort. At the moment he doesn't know that you are unhappy. It needs addressing, otherwise you could end up like this in another 15 years. 

Good luck to you.

Chris.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 15th November 2020 11:48 am
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