I’ve been with my partner for 2.5 years and we’ve just had a baby (she’s now 10 weeks old) and I’ve just found out the true scale of his problems. We had saved £30k to cover my maternity leave and to buy a house together (thankfully I own the flat we currently live in) and he’s lost it all.
we’ve been trying to work through it over the last 2 weeks and he’s registered with Gamstop, sought counselling, joined GA and handed over his finances however having looked at his credit report I found there was a further £12k he hadn’t told me about and now working through his bank statements it seems his Mum was fully aware of the extent of his problems and has transferred him a further £30k over the last 12 months having never told me anything of it or giving me the opportunity to help him and stop him losing all our money before our daughter arrived.
I was prepared to support him in trying to beat this (with safeguards in place for me to ensure that he could not hurt us financially again) however now knowing he had has still not been upfront about the extent of his problems and his mum seems willing to assist this and cover for him I’m just not sure what to do?
I am a recovering gambler. I can only speak from my own experience so I will say this. Parents to gamblers are co-addicts. Neither she nor he knows what they are doing. The whole circus of trying to cover up their tracks is not malice its not ill intent it is just chaos. Addiction is like being stuck in a formula 1 field. Does not matter how fast you drive you will always have a foot on the gas and one on the break and your car is going nowhere fast in that "8" looking field and I am using that nr as it shows that things just go round and round. You make money you lose the money you chase money you manipulate for the money you lie for money and you repeat your actions till your back at the starting line. It is a repeat disorder and money is the fuel for the car. To get to an insight you need to get help. That is done through here, Gordon Moodys, GA etc. I am not sure how far down the road he is but the best thing is to get him talking to professionals the counsellors here who deals with gambling addicts every day. If he is to be trusted he should want to get that help.
For yourself, I would seek help here too. There are plenty of family members who have similar experiences like yours and you will find comfort in that help. It is all about being in a team (together everyone achieves more) to get stronger find knowledge and find a sensible way out of the mess.
I wish you all the best. I and a lot of others are here to help you if you have any questions.
I am sorry to read about your situation. We are in quite a similar predicament. My husband just had a slip after a year of being gamble free. We also just had our second daughter who turned 10 weeks today. It’s gut wrenching to find out the extent of their addiction and the amount of money wasted. My husband two years ago finally came clean that he has lost money that we’ve saved up for a house. He came clean not because of free will but because he don’t have a choice as the money has run out.
Like you I am angry and devastated. I can’t believe he did it again, and this isn’t the first time for my husband.
I think the main thing now is you protect the finances you still have, and take control to make sure he isn’t able to access money. Running their credit report regularly so that we know if they’ve gotten loans is necessary. He needs to get help with his addiction, and he is the only one who can openly get help. We can control money etc but we can’t control the triggers that makes them do it. Only they can do this and they need counseling to be able to learn how to overcome these triggers.
It’s mind boggling how they can do this to the people they love but they do.
All the best to you,
Welcome to the forum, @in-need-of-advice, and thank you for sharing your story. You'll find there's lots of help and support available here, and you need never feel alone with this.
I would echo the comments already made, that it's vitally important you take steps to take control of and protect your finances. With a new baby to care for, you absolutely deserve to feel safe and emotionally and financially secure.
It sounds as though you could really benefit from getting some support, whether that be on a one-to-one basis or in a group with other people also affected by a loved one's gambling. If you'd like to talk to us and find out more about the support that's available to you, why not give one of our advisers a call on 0808 8020 133 or get in touch with us via Livechat ? We're available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, so you can call anytime.
Hi, I’d advise getting his full credit reports.
I was in a similar position after we had our first child and I was still lying left right and centre.
I didn’t let the baby go without but I still continued in accessing money any way I could until I hit rock bottom...difference is I came clean about everything when I couldn’t go on any longer.
we will often have so many sources of money, cards, pay day loans etc that will always come back and bite us so you need to protect yourself and your baby.
if he’s not idolising you and the child I’d smell a rat. May sound harsh but I’ve been there and it now feels like a distant memory but I hope you can all sort this and keep your family together
The odd thousand pound here and there often doesn’t seem relevant to a gambler if he’s come clean about the main sources. Get the report and then you can see where you stand and go from there.
best of luck and take care
Hi in need of advice,
sorry to read your story, which is similar to others and brings many memories.
you’ve found out the worst thing, not only betrayal from your partner but his enabler is his mother. This also is very common. He would have spun her some yarn or begged , swore her to secrecy etc.
I would suggest you call gamcare get some counselling. You can also seek support from Gamanon. There is online support Sunday night at 7. I couldn’t have got through without them.
if your partner is willing he should hand over finances, that means everything, no access, no cards, cash and receipt with change. Debts come last, he needs to sort that, not you. If you’re struggling call stepchange. He still needs to contribute to all living expenses. He’s in a zone of ‘my money’s for gambling and paying debts’. That’s not the case.
It’s up to you if you speak to his mother. Don’t be afraid or persuaded otherwise if you want to. if you’re angry try and choose a time when you’re calm.
Once the access to money stops he may find others, like his mother, to fund his habit. Don’t keep secrets, don’t be ashamed.
He can join GA meetings online, some parts of the country are able to have small meetings at distance. There are zoom too. He should sign up to gamstop, show you the email confirmation for 5 years. If you think he would use your name, sign up yourself.
This is a lot to deal with and your focus should be on you and your baby. You shouldn’t have to cut short your maternity to pay his debts.
please get help for yourself, talk to someone.