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Do I stay in the relationship

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#1 Posted on:
Wed, 14/11/2018 - 13:57

Autumn1

Joined:
2018-11-13

Hi,

I'm new to this, I met my boyfriend at the beginning of this year, I fell for him there and then! I tbought it was strange how a family member seemed to have his cards but I was so happy I never questioned it. A couple of months into the relationship he told me he was a compulsive gambler

Posted on:
Wed, 14/11/2018 - 14:07

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi autumn he's being very honest. What is your worry? Is he actively gambling?

Posted on:
Wed, 14/11/2018 - 14:09

Autumn1

Joined:
2018-11-13

I think he may be, the same family member has got his cards again although he has said there are ways round it.

Posted on:
Wed, 14/11/2018 - 14:13

Autumn1

Joined:
2018-11-13

Autumn1 wrote:
I think he may be, the same family member has got his cards again although he has said there are ways round it.

Posted on:
Wed, 14/11/2018 - 20:13

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Unfortunately there are many ways to withdraw money without a card. In my experience remembering numbers or taking photos of cards etc. If you choose to have a relationship with a compulsive gambler you need to be aware of what they will do. Make sure you don't give him money, don't pay debts, don't pay his share. It can very easily become unmanageable when they are gambling for long periods of time. An active gambler will be moody, manipulative, compulsive liar, secretive. Don't have any financial involvement. Expect complete honesty from a partner, especially financially. Find out about addiction. They are never cured, can only arrest the behaviour. Personally I would want to be fully aware of what happened previously and why someone holds his cards. The fact he knows how to get around actually having possession of it would be a huge sign that he's ignoring the help that someone is offering him. Most can't stop by willpower alone, does he go to GA?

Posted on:
Wed, 14/11/2018 - 22:26

Iain18

Joined:
2018-11-14

There are so many ways around someone taking your cards. PayPal, remembering card details, not self excluding, unless you physically get a new card and don't look at it to see it then you will always have access to money . I know this well because it's something I tried, it's frustrating when someone has your card but then I think I get frustrated when the bookies have my money which is now there's and I have nothing to show for. Sometimes having that thought of the "next one is a winner" is such a sickner to think, I don't think there is enough measures in place to help people especially in shops, I watched some boy the other night lose £30k on a dog then another £25k and the bookies were happy to take that off him, I actually asked him do you have that to burn and he said no I'm hurting, it's not enjoyable anymore it's an addiction, I think bookies have to take on board people's welfare in shops it's not fair that they accepts bet not knowing people's background

Posted on:
Wed, 14/11/2018 - 23:02

K2

Joined:
2018-09-24

Autumn1 wrote:
Autumn1 wrote:
I think he may be, the same family member has got his cards again although he has said there are ways round it.

At my worst I could remember my 16 digit card number without difficulty plus expiry date and 3 digit code on the back. Still remember that card number now even though I no longer have it.

Posted on:
Mon, 03/12/2018 - 00:10

Autumn1

Joined:
2018-11-13

He did go to GA for 12 months and didn't gamble although a few weeks after meeting me he relapsed and gambled twice. Since then he has relapsed in a big way and his mood is very low. He has told me to leave on numerous occasions although I'm finding it difficult to do this,because he has other issues too. He says when he has dealt with the other issue he might go back to GA.

Posted on:
Mon, 03/12/2018 - 06:50

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi autumn these are often excuses. My husband did a year at GA, then went back to gambling  for 11+years. I stupidly thought I had control of the money but was ignorant and naive to his ability to gain credit. Now I'm cynical, I went back to gamanon and he knew immediately that he had to change. I have learnt even more this time about how to 'get' money and credit. It's an emotional illness, addiction. You have to start somewhere. It's ironic my husband didn't want to go back to the same meeting, he was ashamed. We go quite a long way to a meeting that has both GA and gamanon. Now he's getting better he's gone back to his original one. Everyone was pleased to see him. If your bf stopped for a year with GA that's where he should go. There will always be something else to deal with. Get some support for yourself because if he's not getting help this will get worse. Gambling is progressive, damaging to everyone involved. It affects your mental health. When I first met my husband he liked a bet, I never imagined the damage he could do or what compulsive gambling really meant. It sounds like your partner doesn't want to stop, so you have to be the one to do something about you.

Posted on:
Tue, 04/12/2018 - 18:35

Autumn1

Joined:
2018-11-13

Hi Merry go round

We had a long chat and as usual he is the one saying to me "you need to be realistic about our relationship" and that he will never be able to offer me any security because he is a CG. He says he cares for me but all his other relationships have ended because of it and here he is again. He has ordered new cards and he won't open them and will give his family member them and the pin number without ooening the envelope, this way he can't gamble online. The more I read on here I really do wonder if there is a future for us, it's so sad because I do love him but he paints such a bleak picture I'm beginning to doubt us. The other issue is major and he is battling with that too and he says he can't do both together which I can sort of understand. He says that he knows one day he will hurt me through it again (emotionally not physically). I'm in turmoil but then so is he. I don't know which way to go although the thought of not speaking to him again or being with him is hard. We have thought about just keeping in touch as friends although I don't know how that would work.

Posted on:
Tue, 04/12/2018 - 21:52

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi autumn in all honesty the 'other ' thing he is facing would be far easier if he wasn't gambling. He doesn't want to stop. No one can decide for you. The advice is to safeguard your finances, don't help him with debt. The problem is if he's not willing to give up it won't be a normal healthy relationship. You can continue and have a relationship but you should equip yourself with knowledge of addiction. In my experience I could never trust my husband with money. Never believed a word he said. It caused a lot of family issues and rifts. I don't want to say that compulsive gamblers aren't worth bothering with because they are. They're human, but troubled. You think it's stopped and then they go back to it. As you say this has ended his previous relationships and he's still doing it. He knows where it leads and is unwilling to do anything about it. He's not ready to stop. The giving of cards to a relative is a barrier but only a halfhearted one. 

Posted on:
Wed, 05/12/2018 - 03:55

Autumn1

Joined:
2018-11-13

Hi again,
He has also ordered new cards wbich he is giving straight to the family member without opening the envelope.
He says he can't promise me that he will never gamble again but can't face GA as well as having coubselling for the issue that probably caused bim to gamble in the first place. He's on antidepressants and has suicidal thoughts over the past few weeks. It's hard to leave someone when they are so low.

Posted on:
Wed, 05/12/2018 - 09:22

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

My husband was exactly the same. Depressed, on antidepressants, but still secretly gambling. I may as well have been alone with my kids. But once he went back to GA he slowly started to improve. I'm not saying you should leave or force him to GA, I'm just saying if he doesn't stop the gambling he will not get better. Hopefully his other counselling will help him see that. But for you, you need to be aware while he gambles he will not be the perfect partner. If you accept him gambling that gives him signals that's it's ok to gamble. Ultimately it's you're choice. Protect yourself. You do not want to live a life with an active compulsive gambler. It's progressive. It's  hell. Give yourself a time limit? We all deserve to be happy. Go to a gamanon meeting and hear for yourself what you need to do to survive. Addiction is powerful and it ruins lives. 

Posted on:
Wed, 05/12/2018 - 12:15

Autumn1

Joined:
2018-11-13

Hi,
Thankyou for your reply. I think I need to suggest again to him that we take our relationship 1 day at a time and see how things go. He says of course it would be easier if he wasn't in a relationshio as he would only be letting himself down and not me. Perhaps that's what he needs, to be on his own whilst he works through these issues.

Posted on:
Wed, 05/12/2018 - 22:06

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hi Autumn1,

Well done for your  post on here. This Forum is a very good place to be, as the people on here are very supportive, and I can see that you are already being supported.  I can  also see how much you would like to support your boyfriend, even though he seems to be pushing you away. It seems as if he knows what he is talking about if he was gambling before you met him.

I am concerned that you are saying that he is feeling suicidal and he is  on anti depressant. He may need professional help if he is feeling this way, perhaps you could encourage him to call Samaritans on 116 123. I am wondering who close to you know about what you are going through, it could be very stressful to have to go through this with a loved one. We give free counselling for loved ones of gamblers, and would support you if you would like to talk in confidence with one of our Helpline Advisors on our Free Helpline or Netline, both contacts are on the top of this page.

You have come to the right place, we are all here to support you.

Regards

Forum Admin

Posted on:
Thu, 06/12/2018 - 07:50

Autumn1

Joined:
2018-11-13

Thankyou for the comment, I have actually rang the helpline and was given 2 phone numbers to ring for support and counselling which I may use. We are taking 1 day at a time and communicating with each other which I think is the right thing for us both at this moment in time.

Posted on:
Sun, 09/12/2018 - 18:45

Autumn1

Joined:
2018-11-13

An update from this is that we are still together although this weekend he has said I should be mindful of my account! I transferred a small amount to his account a while ago and he has my details from that, he said he would never take money from me or his family member ( he has her details too). I don't know whether to ask for a new card although he doesn't have my security number on the back.

Posted on:
Sun, 09/12/2018 - 18:45

Autumn1

Joined:
2018-11-13

An update from this is that we are still together although this weekend he has said I should be mindful of my account! I transferred a small amount to his account a while ago and he has my details from that, he said he would never take money from me or his family member ( he has her details too). I don't know whether to ask for a new card although he doesn't have my security number on the back.

Posted on:
Sun, 09/12/2018 - 18:47

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Yes, you need a new card.

Posted on:
Sun, 09/12/2018 - 21:21

Autumn1

Joined:
2018-11-13

He's had my details since June and I've gone through my account and there's nothing at all. He swears on his daughters life he would never use my or his daughters money and he hasn't.

Posted on:
Sun, 09/12/2018 - 21:21

Autumn1

Joined:
2018-11-13

He's had my details since June and I've gone through my account and there's nothing at all. He swears on his daughters life he would never use my or his daughters money and he hasn't.

Posted on:
Sun, 09/12/2018 - 21:21

Autumn1

Joined:
2018-11-13

He's had my details since June and I've gone through my account and there's nothing at all. He swears on his daughters life he would never use my or his daughters money and he hasn't.

Posted on:
Sun, 09/12/2018 - 21:22

Autumn1

Joined:
2018-11-13

Oops, pressed on save 3 times obviously.

Posted on:
Mon, 10/12/2018 - 06:54

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Seriously autumn if he's got them you need to change the card asap. They all swear blind they won't, but if they get in a jam they will. We only find out when it's too late. Just be safe.

Posted on:
Mon, 10/12/2018 - 09:04

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Yes. Change the card. He will tell you what you want to hear and you will want to believe it but it leaves you open to lies, manipulation and worse. Are his daughter's accounts out of his reach? If not, they need to be.

Posted on:
Mon, 10/12/2018 - 14:49

Autumn1

Joined:
2018-11-13

Thankyou for your advice. I've done that now.