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Posted on:
Sat, 04/08/2018 - 21:47

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

difficult weekend , been struggling to stay in and save money.  Went out last night and played poker and had some beers and food.  Only spent 9 quid as i came third.  Then spent 12 quid today.

Posted on:
Sun, 05/08/2018 - 20:37

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Hi Adam, sorry to read that you’ve been struggling lately. 

It seems like your ‘should you/should you not’ dilemma with the poker is having a massive effect in your quest to give up gambling and therefore save money. 

You need to decide in your head what is right for you and what is going to work for you in the long run. 

Personally, if it were me, I’d be knocking the poker into touch if you really do want a life free from gambling. Your recovery must start with some positive decision making by yourself. 

I think it’s time to give this recovery a real go mate before it’s too late. You’re still young enough to rescue this situation. 

Best of luck whatever you do mate. Keep checking in and let us know how you’re getting on. 

You seem like a decent guy. 

Dan

Posted on:
Mon, 06/08/2018 - 10:52

Reminder

Joined:
2018-07-18

Read your diary a bit. Sorry to hear you are struggling.

I have to agree that I think that the best way is to not gamble at all. Sure, poker is not 100% gambling per se, but you have seen first hand that it still leads down the same path in the end. It is easier to get into the bookies or fruit machines again if you keep this 'window' open. I know it's hard, but ultimately you may be a lot better off if you refrain from all gambling or gambling related activities. By wanting to go 90% gamble free you are only making it harder on yourself. You have to really accept that you will not do anything gamble related anymore.

However, the above is just my opinion. Best of luck whatever you choose to do of course :-).

Posted on:
Mon, 06/08/2018 - 11:05

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Hi guys, thanks a lot for the posts, means a lot to see people are listening. I will take on board and tonight will be the first test. If I can not gamble at all then my life will be soo much better. Ive done it for 119 days this year soo far, I will try to get to 200.

Posted on:
Mon, 06/08/2018 - 13:01

Reminder

Joined:
2018-07-18

Best of luck Adam, stay strong!

Posted on:
Tue, 07/08/2018 - 11:38

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

​another day at work today, gonna take a while to get back to financial stability after the slots a couple of weeks ago. Borrowed 100 off a friend and that means I'm above my overdraft so not in a minus and not paying fees. Got dentist on fiftenth so hope that's not expensive. I really don't know what the slots appeal is but its very strong at moment, just want some money back for the month. Oh well I guess a queit month for three weeks and then a holiday with barely any spending money to come. Ive brought this on myself.

Posted on:
Wed, 08/08/2018 - 13:35

Reminder

Joined:
2018-07-18

I can understand your difficulty Adam. The slots always have that prospect of the potential big win that is just around the corner. However, you know as well as I do, that even if you win some, it is only temporary. You will soon put it back in again, wanting more and lose the winnings along with probably even more money. Losing money that you can't afford to lose feels terrible.

Keep on going. You know based on your previous experiences how it will end if you play the slots again.

You can do it :-). Stay gamble free.

Posted on:
Wed, 08/08/2018 - 16:37

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Cheers reminder much appreciated. Footballs on this weekend so may well watch spurs on Sa then Liverpool on Sunday in the pub. With a cheaky half of cider. Every day is a day I will win if I don't gamble. Its a long road to recovery for me three years so far. I will succeed in the long run.

Posted on:
Wed, 08/08/2018 - 21:35

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

 

Right thought about starting a new diary for a clean slate but this one is tittled "a different 2018" and so far it has been.  The start of the year i was very unwell and off work due to the stress caused by my manager and hr manager.  i was off work through jan and feb and started a new role in the same company mid feb in an effort to make me well.  With this new role came less hours and less money being brought in but ive been healthier since and no stress caused from my new manager.  Through jan - april i didnt gamble a penny boy was it becoming a different year.  Then came a relapse into poker and slot machines in may and although the first month saw a profit of 100 pounds.  Once i started betting more i couldnt stop if i was losing which on three or four occasions saw me taking two to three hundred pounds out of my account in one afternoon.  So end of july i had ten pounds in my account but that didnt stop me going into my overdrft by three hundred pounds in a hour (and this was only stopped by a daily limit on the taking out of cash from my account).  So once  i got paid a couple of days ago i had enough for mortgage thank god, then all other bills leaving me with nothing for the month and im going on holiday before i get paid again.  Now since ive started up again ive had fun all those endorphins flouding thru my body a lot but ive spent insted of 150 pounds a month on social stuff, 450 pounds each of the two months.  Three times as much spending.  Now i look back thru the last three years to spending and smoking, gambling and drinking are all of the three factors that result in pretty much all my expense.  So im going to start a fresh for the rest of this month a see whether i can make it gamble free for the month.  I have no money apart from money i borrow so it should not be a problem.  I could keep going to my poker game but at the end of the day i leak money thru other gambling every time as i have the itch for it when the pokers not on.  Im not in a poor financial position as lukily i only spend what i earn each month (apart from last month).  I was going to start watching football in the pub but i wont as a) im not going to drink and b) i dont want to be anywhere near a fruit machine.  

I also want to start saving for my retirement, by living with my parents ive saved quite a bit over the past six years.  Ive worked out i can pay off my mortgage by 2028.  If interest rates go up a lot maybe a bit later bt we will see.  Once ive paid that off i can save for retirment funds.  Before my current company ive allways worked in retail and thus not put money into a retirment fund untill it became the law to so i have only about 1000 in my pot at present which wont go far.  So ill be loking at paying more into my pot in the future.  Ramble over heres to an end to 2018 like the start apart from being ill.

Posted on:
Thu, 09/08/2018 - 11:01

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Ive been reading a book on addiction and it says all ur is was and plans for life are the same so when we think of gambling each day we have to remember that our personal plans have never got us anywhere so surrender ourselves to that realisation and for one day usede someone else's plan.

Posted on:
Sun, 19/08/2018 - 21:48

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Right I'm coming back to this diary as its my 2018 diary. After my huge slip up where I lost 650 pounds over the course of a month. I'm now seven days gamble free and firmly back in the driving seat. I'm going to stay clear of pubs, if I fancy a beer ill go over a friends, one of my mates is getting sky sports so can watch the footy over his hopefully. I'm also going to buy a camera next month and take up photography. One more week of work then a week off. Off to isle of white with family.

Posted on:
Mon, 20/08/2018 - 11:26

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Back to work again today the last day of earning back what I lost eight days ago. Onwards and upwards not looking back too much just forward to this weekend and next week relaxing on the isle of white.

Posted on:
Mon, 20/08/2018 - 21:13

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Another day down ive earnt back what I lost Sunday week horray. Such a waste of six days wage and that doesn't include all the bills I pay through the week if I included those it would be two months wages wasted on the faitful Sunday. Oh well just off to bed now after I finish my coffee and my cd finnished. Feeling more optimistic, haven't even thought about the fact that poker is on tonight just relaxed in tonight knowing that I wont spend any money. Seeing prodigy on Sunday and been looking into other bands playing theres a few id like to see. So another day at work tomo, four left then a week off , a week to relax and not spend too much. I'll treat my family to a couple of meals out but that's the only endulgence ill have. Onwards and upwards, looking back but only briefly, forwards is where the action is.

Posted on:
Tue, 21/08/2018 - 11:12

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Another day, about to go ​to work looking forward to weekend.

Posted on:
Wed, 22/08/2018 - 11:01

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

in four hours illl be half way thru the week.

Posted on:
Wed, 22/08/2018 - 11:43

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

As I've ​made it to ten days I thought id celebrate with a happy post, horray next target twenty days. Then the full month. Onwards and upwards, let battle commence.

Posted on:
Wed, 22/08/2018 - 12:36

JW_

Joined:
2018-08-13

Well done mate keep it going

Posted on:
Wed, 22/08/2018 - 18:52

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

I agree with you 100% Adam "Onwards and upwards, let battle commence."

On Sunday you will be giving it loads with great music from Prodigy so I pass on a message from one of their songs.

GET YOUR FIGHT ON - GET YOUR FIGHT ON - LET'S TAKE IT RIGHT ON

Posted on:
Thu, 23/08/2018 - 15:31

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Thanks Stephan and jw ive definitely got my fight on. I know its early days but I'm feeling confident I can Finnish this year on a high.

Posted on:
Fri, 24/08/2018 - 21:35

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Hi diary, ive finnished my working week and come home, had some food, a can of cider, and now sipping some milk in bed. Really drained from this whole gambling stress, thoughts of gambling pop into head, well thoughts of go to club and play snooker, only take cash etc, but to be honest snooker never appealed to me neither did the drinks it was just the gambling I liked to be brutally honest, the thrill of it, will I get some easy money. Lets face it when is money ever easy to get. I'll just settle down to the night and enjoy the fact theres money in my account, I have savings, I'm off on holiday Monday and I'm going to relax and unwind over the course of this week. My mum said it would be a good idea to write a list of things I want to buy so I can see rewards for not gambling, the funny thing is I don't want anything, I'm gambling to get money and I don't want to buy anything, its been complete madness.

Posted on:
Tue, 28/08/2018 - 10:03

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hope your feeling good Adam and dried off after the deluge at the Victorious Festival. By all accounts it was a great day (even with the rain) and Prodigy got everybody dancing around.

Wishing you happy days on the Isle of Wight this week. A great place to take a holiday.

As all on the diaries know and appreciate, staying gamble free is not easy. For a compulsive gambler to not have a bet takes much courage, common sense and understanding. A really bad habit and old habits die hard. However, we do have what it takes to say "enough is enough." We can expand our horizons, have some fun and explore opportunities that come our way. Take care my friend...stephen 

Posted on:
Tue, 28/08/2018 - 11:16

Reminder

Joined:
2018-07-18

adam123 wrote:

I'm gambling to get money and I don't want to buy anything, its been complete madness.

I can really relate to that. I didn't want to buy anything either. As a matter of fact, I am not materialistic at all.
So why try to win extra money? It's madness I agree. If you just don't gamble you probably have enough money to live the life you want.

Keep on going, you can do it.

Posted on:
Thu, 06/09/2018 - 20:23

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Hiim ba​ck, been on holiday, saw prodigy was awesome but started to get unwell after and started hearing voices and not sleeping thru my holiday in isle of white. Seen my docter and she said to have this week off tn get docter to sign me off after if needed. Good news is I haven't gambled thru holiday and didn't spend much. Even bought a nice jacket yesterday in the sale. Something that I wouldn't be able to do if I was gambling. So going to relax rest of week and see if I can get back to work asap.

Posted on:
Thu, 06/09/2018 - 20:53

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Hello Adam,

Good to hear from you even if things aren't so great at the moment, it happens. Don't get yourself down about it. Ride it out. You've shown you can manage in the past. Hope things keep improving in all areas mate. Look after yourself and keep away from gambling, you don't need it.

All the best.

Posted on:
Fri, 07/09/2018 - 15:17

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Cheers sjw you're ​allways here, much appreciated

Posted on:
Mon, 17/09/2018 - 18:41

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

So I've neglected my diary again. Still off work ill, hopefully ill get paid at end of the month but not spent much so will be fine if not. Lots of grand grand thoughts based around religion, money and thoughts of people wanting to kill me and my friends and family. I think being skitsophrenic brings only negative thoughts to my mind scary wise but it also brings grand thoughts that are difficult not to believe. I now more than ever believe in heaven and hell, I haven't ever gone to church apart from weddings and my parents don't go to church much or pass on their beliefs to me but this beleive has brought me through this tough period. I no longer want material things, money doesn't appeal to me I want to enjoy nature that is all around. I have enjoyed visiting the national trust whilst off work, taking photos and relaxing. It sounds like I'm preaching but I'm really new to this. I think hopefully the voices in my head will go away they have lessoned today for the first time in weeks

Posted on:
Tue, 18/09/2018 - 12:00

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Dear adam123,

sorry to hear you are going through a challenging period with your illness. 

Glad to hear however that you have been paying attention to what is going on, getting the help and support you need and make sure also you exercise self-care.

Keep going and keep being kind to yourself.

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Posted on:
Tue, 18/09/2018 - 14:31

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Cheers Eva, just back from gym, healthy body healthy mind, trying to lose a bit of weight so watching what I eat, plenty of fruit and veggies along with protein to keep my energy up. Voices still their but they're slipping back to the back of my mind which is reassuring.

Posted on:
Tue, 18/09/2018 - 15:33

A 9

Joined:
2018-08-31

Hi adam :)) . 

I can't comment on the thought's running around in your head but the one's in mine can be aright pain in the***** :(( . 

You know mate I truly believe we have the power within ourselves to make the changes in life we need to move forward , I found much peace and great comfort in nature in the early day's and would much rather be out walking in the countryside with my dog than pretty much anything , it's all so simple out there and it's a great place to focus on what's important in life and get some clarity .

The Gym sound's like another great idea to focus on yourself mate and as you say " Healthy body healthy mind " .

I've never been much of a churchgoer either and have to admit that my higher power comes in the shape of me imagining my old mum giving me a good talking to , that usually does the trick :)) . 

I'm sue given time Adam the voices will ease and fade as the last gambling episode subsides and some clear thinking will return .

Wishing you well my friend , keep looking after yourself and making those right choices :)) 

All the best 

Alan    

Posted on:
Tue, 18/09/2018 - 16:39

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Thank you very much Alan for taking the time to write to me, yeah nuture I brilliant and it doesn't cost anything. Just back from a walk with my dad I recommended going on a walk we used to go on when I was about 5 lol he talked about when he grew up and about the village he grew up in, all good to hear. Another day done and I'm getting better. Thanks again alan

Posted on:
Thu, 20/09/2018 - 18:57

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Another couple of days do​wn and I'm up to 40 days tomo horray. Decided I wont drink any alcohol for the foreseeable future as its brought , well its probably not the cause of my illness but its surroundings have brought bad things. I think the voices came from worrying about gambling so for me gambling has even worse effects physically and mentally. Hopefully back to work on Monday after four weeks, such a long time. One week was holiday then three off sick. Cant be helped, well actually if I hadn't started gambling again or thinking I could just play a bit then I wouldn't of become stressed and maybe wouldn't be in this situation. But then I would have lived a completely different person and would

Posted on:
Thu, 20/09/2018 - 20:43

JW_

Joined:
2018-08-13

Well done mate it's 40 days for me tomorrow as well! Let's keep it up.

JW

Posted on:
Fri, 21/09/2018 - 13:03

A 9

Joined:
2018-08-31

Hi adam :)). 

It's that whole cycle stuck on repeat that cloud's your mind , " Gamble , lose / win /lose , worry over finances , then gamble again to win more money " and that just keeps messing with our heads mate . 

Your doing great Adam and congratulations on 40 day's winning for real :)) 

Posted on:
Fri, 21/09/2018 - 16:03

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Cheers a9, if Ican not gamble till the new year that will be 260 days of no gambling stints in 2018 such a change from the few years before.

Posted on:
Sun, 23/09/2018 - 18:19

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Had a stran​ge day woke up had voices still and got depressed as suppost to be going back to work tomo. Then mum convinced me to go out and got some fresh air and came back done some housework and feeling a lot more positive. I don't think I suffer from depression I think everyone gets down every now and then just got to roll with it. If I'm not well at work over the course of next week ill just have to come back home that's all. Fingers crossed for a positive week. O yeah and no gambling still. Horray

Posted on:
Thu, 04/10/2018 - 22:26

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Back to the forum and boy did I miss it, really goes to show how much we use and value something when its not available for a while. Just got over the fifty day mark and worked out it'll be 260 days gamble free this year if I make it to new years and then beyond the world is my oyster.

Posted on:
Sat, 06/10/2018 - 21:56

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello Adam my friend. Great to see you in a good state of mind. Confident, determined and gamble free for 55 days.

Sometimes we can feel a bit down in the dumps but tomorrow is always another day and things can look a bit better after a good nights sleep.

I lost the plot for a while but am now back on the road with a new diary. Keeping a smile on my face to brighten up the journey and I always live in hope. As the old saying goes "Who knows what's blowing in tomorrows wind." Take care my friend and keep going forward...stephen 

Posted on:
Mon, 08/10/2018 - 09:59

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

First day back at work, here goes, feeling nervous but should be fine once back in the swing of things

Posted on:
Mon, 08/10/2018 - 17:03

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Really good first day back at work, back into the swing of things.

Posted on:
Mon, 08/10/2018 - 20:39

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Hi Adam, thanks for posting on my diary the other day. I appreciate it a lot. 

I'm glad that you've had a good first day back at work and many congratulations on racking up 50+ gamble free days. All the best mate. Take care.

Pras

Posted on:
Tue, 09/10/2018 - 19:39

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Already wondering what to call my 2019 diary,ive got a feeling its gonna be the landmark year of complete abstenance. Something I couldn't dream about doing in 2015 when I joined here. So back to work now tried my hardest to put in some good shifts cant change being off sick for five weeks I wasn't pulling a sickie I was actua

Posted on:
Tue, 09/10/2018 - 19:45

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Lly ill. So today marks 58 days gambling free, 600 days smoke free,44 days alcohol free 10 years drug free I'm now officially tee total for everything. I couldn't do it without my parentshelp they got me thru another difficult period.

Posted on:
Thu, 11/10/2018 - 10:39

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Day 60, off to work now, another day, looking forward to the weekend.

Posted on:
Thu, 11/10/2018 - 11:00

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Congratulations Adam on 60 days without a bet. 

600+ days off the ciggies, 10 years off the drugs and nearly 7 weeks off the pop. WOW you are amazing. It just shows how strong willed you are when you set your mind to something.

Life certainly has it's ups and downs but maybe sometimes we take things a little bit too much to heart. By chasing after things we can't have or don't need we can easily overlook all the good things that are there for us. They say the grass always looks greener on the other side but that is not necessarily true. Sometimes we don't really know what we want. Take care my friend and keep going forward ...stephen

Posted on:
Thu, 11/10/2018 - 19:37

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Excellent post Stephen thanks a lot. I actually broke down in tears at work today and it rings very true that I take things to much to heart. I gues I like to hear positive things but aftr what ifve been thru I cant deal with stressful situations any.more and just breakdown.

Posted on:
Thu, 11/10/2018 - 22:25

Scotto85g

Joined:
2018-01-01

Thanks for your post Adam in my diary. Well done on getting to 60 Days :). Sorry to hear about the work stress, how are your colleagues with you in that situation?

Posted on:
Fri, 12/10/2018 - 10:40

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Hi scotto, work has been very good, ive got the occupational health doctor to see once a month. Well I was working in another department but they said I was too slow, well very long story I guess but I'm back in a different department and its suppost to not be too stressful. Hopefully work will get better today.p

Posted on:
Fri, 12/10/2018 - 22:19

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

First week back at work navigated, difficult start as we are going thru a refurbishment , would do some overtime to help out but doctors orders are that I only do 25 hours a week. I apologised to my manager for breaking down yesterday . I actually came home and spoke to my mum and then started hearing voices again. I really think stress brings it on. My new medication makes me seem more alert but I think it makes me more emotional. Looking forward to a relaxed weekend got some box sets to watch and going on a steam train tomo.

Posted on:
Sat, 13/10/2018 - 12:38

Rhoda

Joined:
2016-12-06

Thanks for popping by my thread Adam, sounds as though you are having a tough time, starting back at work isn't easy. Just remember one day at a time. And stick to the 25 hours the doctor has recommended, become confident in that, and then build it up if it is the right thing to do. I'm having trouble with emotions at present, but know that I must not try and run from them....everything will work out in the end. Enjoy your weekend and your trip tomorrow.

Posted on:
Sat, 13/10/2018 - 20:59

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Thanks a lot for the post Rhoda I think not running from emotions is a good idea its just I will have to work on it aswith my condition I get a lot of emotions to deal with and I'm used to just putting on a brave happy front in front of there at work and in my social life. I usually just don't say anything about what's really going on in my head. I did however see my doctor recently and tried to put into words what id beethinking about and she documented them. Another week where I've not had any alcohol, ciggies, weed, gambling, must admit I'm finding it a bit different to unwind this weekend after a hard weeks work I usually used to have a couple of ciders to relax. Just had some chocolate but doesn't really hit the spot. I do think I will become stronger with the detox and new lifestyle and ive soo far spent 23 pounds this month and 150 last month so when I did gamble for two months it was like 700 a month spending which was terrible. Not sure what I'm up to tomo I gues more of the same hopeful to hit the gym if I feel suitably refreshed.

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