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Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 16:02

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Day 44 GF - No desire to bet.

 

My depression is very low today, very dark times indeed topped off with a lot of bad news. Life is **** at times.

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 19:09

Tommyt124

Joined:
2017-09-27

Hiya pal times are hard and your going through a really hard time you have done such a great job from stopping gambling and with the bi polar .pick up a phone speak to a friend or family you can do this there's so much life as to offer stay strong pal .keep.in touch

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 20:28

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

I have no intention to bet Tommy. I have no desire too, nothing is pulling me towards it. i will still be GF by tomorrow. This is my mind, my depression, my life. The bipolar diagnosis is making me realise what is inside me. It upsets me at time and I hate it sometimes. I will come to terms with it in the end. I have to accept that this is with me for life. I will get through, I just hateb the depression moods I get, and this is not even one of the bad ones. Ta for looking out for me though bud, appreciated.

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 06:24

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Hi AntAnt, I know it’s hard, may even feel impossible, but try not to isolate buddy!  It’s a rubbish diagnosis but @ least you know what you’re up against now & you will not only come to terms with it but you will figure out how to live alongside it if you keep pushing through.  

#standinginyourarmy

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 21:02

adam808

Joined:
2017-08-27

Hi AntAnt, just catching up with your diary.

Things seem a bit low at the moment for you? It must make staying gamble free even tougher. But you're managing it, and times like this make me realise that after everything I've been through - people are doing SO much more than me.

Honestly man, you're smashing it every single day.

Take care.

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 23:46

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Everyone, I am fine. I am just in a low mood.

 

I have no desire to bet, Day 46 GF today, my thing is my mental health. I bet when I get severe stress in my life. i went 3 and a half years without thinking about betting, then in June this year my wife had a cardiac arrest, I did CPR, she was on ICU and they said she may die, she is likely to be brain damaged. (she is fully recovered now)The stress led me to that awful place and I slipped. I have since been diagnosed with bipolar 2 and they are ntrying to rush through a full diagnosis do i can start medication, another thing to worry about, though i know what I have now. It is hard, my moods are hard, my life is hard, but believe it or not I am positive for the first time in years. I can work towards what makes me use gambling as an escapism when I face severe stress. I will get there. I am low at the moment, I will come out of it in time and be the loon who makes people laugha gain, can't have the clown being down now can we.

 

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 00:04

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

"It's ok not to be ok"...has massive meaning in our wellbeing.

You have gone through a lot, keep on walking, better times are awaiting.

Good to spk to you on chat ☺

Have a good Sunday!

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 07:55

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Day 50 GF - No desire to bet

The half-century, the big 5,0, I guess this is one of those milestones? It is nice to have 50 up there but I have no celebration in me. I know I can achieve a long run of being GF. I did 3 and a half years before this one. I can go without thinking of betting one bit. However, it is that one worry that something stressful in my life will kick it off again in the future. That trigger, and how to cope with it, is what I am now working towards. I never want to go back to gambling. I hate it with a passion.

 

I also sometimes feel guilty being on this forum. I mean, most of my problems are mental health related, and while I will always say I am a gambling addict, I also wonder is it fair me being on here? I read other stories, many inspire me and give me hope for my own future. Many also show how people struggle with temptation almost every day. As I do not get that I feel guilt. I am not going to leave the forum, I like it here and it helps me. Just trying to explain my very overthinking mind.

 

Keep going all, and stay strong.

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 21:12

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Well done mate

Yes its just a start but it is still an achievement nonetheless. As for the forum i think its totally fine to be selfish and take from it what works for you. No need to feel guilt, we are all just working to the same goal regardless of how we get there. You posting here and adding content to this site will help others. No need to overthink. Speaking out inspires others to look to help themselves.

Keep it up, lets keep enjoying the gamble free life!

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 21:58

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Congratualtions on the half century Ant! 

Too right it’s a milestone. 

Take a moment to reflect on how well you’ve done over the last 50 days and give yourself a massive pat on the back. 

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 22:19

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

You absolutely have every right to be here...Although many of us are unable to put our finger on it exactly/accept it, mental health & addiction are intrinsically linked.  Just because we’re not all @ the stage you are @ where medication is important doesn’t mean we don’t all have our own demons to deal with.  If it helps any, I had very few urges almost from the off & even more so since quitting gambling completely to walk through the doors of GA.  

We need to take our medicine from anywhere that suits: loved ones, books, cyber space, health care professionals, rooms, Seasons, hobbies...There’s something to be gained everywhere & whether you are a daily gambler or a binge gambler or just do it on the odd occasion when you are hurting doesn’t make getting through one single any less of an achievement!

I’ll leave you with a quote from one of my amazing GA friends: “Your share might be the key to unlock someone else's prison.”

Keep reading, keep writing, keep fighting for your future - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 18:58

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Day 52 GF - No desire to bet.

 

Thanks for the comments all, they help and mean a lot.

 

I am OK. Just a little down still. I am not leaving the forum as it helps me a lot being here. I am keeping busy, decorating at home or projects I have on the go. I am on the right path and I believe I will get there in time.

 

Stay strong all.

Posted on:
Sun, 12/11/2017 - 11:48

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Day 54 GF - no desire to bet.

 

Keeping busy. stained garden fence this morning. Now taking the little guy into the city centre to see the Christmas deccies.

 

Stay strong all.

Posted on:
Wed, 15/11/2017 - 07:58

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

57 Days GF - No desire to bet.

 

Keeping busy, D.I.Y, writing, meetings, counselling. Getting there and feel positive, though a long way to go.

This Mindfulness is doing me wonders. I hardly ever relax, always have a mind sthat spins. Well this is calming me and making me see things clearer. I fully recommend it to anyone.

 

Stay strong all

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 19:48

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Day 58 GF - No desire to bet.

 

Had counselling today. They are now getting tougher with me and are going into my past a lot. It is hard at times and it drains me so much, but I want to get somewhere with all of this so I have to go through it all.

 

Hey, 5 months no smoking for me today...very proud of that.

 

Mindfulness is realaxing as anything. Give it a try.

 

Stay strong all.

Posted on:
Sat, 18/11/2017 - 16:12

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

The 6 and the o

Day 60 GF - no desire to bet.

Out at play centre and shops. Keeping busy.

 

Stay strong all.

Posted on:
Sat, 18/11/2017 - 20:38

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Congratulations on 60 days! Great to see all your jobs getting done and relaxing as well!
You're obviously doing something right!! x

Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 20:39

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Thank you Little Miss.

61 days GF - No desire to bet

 

I guess my gambling issues really are related to my illness, conditions, or whatever they call it. I can see a lot clearer now and I am starting to understand a lot. Calming myself is the most important thing, if I stay calm I work fine. The mindfulness is brilliant and has shown me all kinds, that has helped me so much. I also look at ways to reduce anything I can. I drank tons of coffee, I have now gone decaff, I need to get more exercise in and a few changes to my diet. I am keeping busy, small DIY jobs help my mind. I will still have my dark days of depression, but now I know why, I know what is going on, and I know I will come through it all.Understanding what I have and why I do certain things is a major help. It is all small steps on a long journey, but I am on the path and I can see a light. I will be happy.

 Stay strong all.

Posted on:
Mon, 20/11/2017 - 21:40

Tommyt124

Joined:
2017-09-27

60 days great stuff ant thanks for my post things and life are becoming a lot more relaxed compared to the dramatic times of the gamble hope your good pal.you are coping great with your bi polar and stopping gambling it's a massive achievement you should be proud my mate keep going and you can have a good Christmas speak soon

Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 03:23

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Hello mate, feeling pretty humbled that you read through my crazy (there have been some wild spells in the world of GamCare since I’ve been here I can tell you) & glad that you’ve managed to find some inspiration within it.

Great to see how useful you are finding the mindfulness :-)  Baby steps is all it needs, progress not perfection - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 10:24

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Will You Still Need Me

Will You Still Feed Me

When I'm 64 .. Days GF

 

Thanks for the replies Tommy and ODAAT, very appreciated.

 

Still plodding along,day by day, step by step.Having a lot of nice times that I enjoy and appreciate now my head is not elsewhere. Making memories- good ones.

 

Stay strong all  

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 17:57

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Day 65 GF - No desire to bet.

 

Mixed feelings. On one hand I am starting to see what makes me tick, makes me do certain things and think in certain ways. However, I am also now seeing how my actions effected others. Not just gambling but my depression, my highs, my way of thinking and my paranoia. Basically, I have probably lost the girl that I love so much, my beautiful wife who I have been with for over half of my life. Not just taht, but my depression sucked her into her own depression. I look now and wonder what the hell went on? how could I have no idea what I was doing? I guess losing her is my punishment now? I was never a bad person, I just got lost along the way. I will get through my mental health, though I hate it for what it turned me into.

 

Stay strong all.

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 18:21

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hi Ant well done on staying gf your doing fantastic I’ve read through some of your diary. I have just been diagnosed with PTSD after years suffering nightmares, flashbacks anxiety depression so I really understand how you feel. It doesn’t define you it enhances you your bipolar 2 Ant it gives you gifts that others don’t have but yes unfortunately you also suffer. I wish you all the very best, are you on medication now? I’ve been on it years when I could have been diagnosed years ago and received proper help but hey ho I’m getting therapy now so understand too the impact of mental health on addictions like gambling. Keep going Ant best wishes x

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 18:49

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Hi Lulubobs

No medication yet. i have to wait to see a NHS psychiatrist to get my medication, so god knows how long it will take? Have doctors appointment tomorrow to nag them and my psychotherapist is trying to jump me up the list. I was diagnosed with severe thought based OCD 4 years ago, also depression and anxiety. Put on ante depressants. Now found out they can effect bipolar, so I stopped taking them. Since off them I have felt calmer and found it easier to cope at times. I still get depressed though I am coping better. I am having counselling and altough tough it is doing me wonders. I feel OK to say it on here so here goes .. I tried to take my life around 27 years ago. They think my Bipolar started just before that event and has gotten worse in the last few years? I have been admitted by the crisis team, seen medics, councellors, therapist. Now I am a bit stunned and angry that this was never picked up earlier. I may have had a better life, I may still be with my wife, who knows?

I am eating well, on Decaff coffee, excercise a bit, and I do Mindfulness. I will beat this.

Posted on:
Fri, 24/11/2017 - 16:59

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Get your kicks, on day 66 GF

Still a bit down. Saw doc today and was all ready to kick off about being ingnored. The psychotherapist has been on to them. They have now put my instructions to the psychiatrist as urgent. I thought urgent meant another 3 months, but nope, they said if I have heard nothing in 2 weeks then I need to contact the doctor again to push it. So, looks like things may move. Doc was a bit stunned that I had taken myself off my ante depressants but agrees it is for the best as they have been making me worse. It is all a bit hard to take in, half of me is scared by a bipolar diagnosis, I mean this is serious stuff. Then there is the stigma. But on the other hand I know what it is, I know I can get the help I need and live with it. I am still me, I just have bipolar as well. They all agree that medication is the must with me,and they are already suggesting therapy for 3 years at least? makes me wonder how bad I really am. But I am strong so let's do this.

 

Stay strong all.

Posted on:
Sat, 25/11/2017 - 11:45

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Lulubobs1966 wrote:

it gives you gifts that others don’t have but yes unfortunately you also suffer. 

 

Not sure what gifts it gives me to be honest?

Posted on:
Mon, 27/11/2017 - 16:29

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

69 - oooh matron - Days GF... No desire to bet.

 

Plodding along, staying busy, doing OK.

 

Stay strong all.

Posted on:
Tue, 28/11/2017 - 14:51

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

70 days GF - No desire to bet

10 weeks, no celebration. Life still ticking along, mental health slowly being sorted... Marriage basically over, so no celebration about losing the woman I loved.

 

Stay strong all.

Posted on:
Tue, 28/11/2017 - 15:10

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Hi AntAnt

Well done on 7 weeks that is a fantastic achievement, just keep going and next stop will be 100 days just to take you into the new year.

Sorry to hear about the terrible impact this evil, evil addiction has had on your marriage. Look after yourself and take joy from having your son.

Muststop123

Posted on:
Thu, 30/11/2017 - 22:20

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Day 72 GF - No desire to bet

 

Thanks for comments Muststop, appreciated.

Go my date the  to see psychiatrist, 7th December. Now that was fast as I thought it would take months. I guess I am more crazy than I thought (joke). A bit nervous, but I am ready to do this. Let's get me sorted.

 

Stay strong all.

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 21:35

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Day 77 GF - No desire to bet.

2 days away from my first session with psychiatrist.Bit unsure of what I am going into, but I need to do it.

All is good, I keep busy, I try to be positive, I read up on my condition so I can understand it.

 

Long way to go,         Getting there

 

Stay strong all

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 22:26

Tommyt124

Joined:
2017-09-27

Hiya ant great to see you posting I hope your are good my friend stay strong and keep going one day at a time .hope it goes well tomorrow keep in touch

Posted on:
Thu, 14/12/2017 - 15:28

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Day 86 GF - no desire to bet.

 

Been tough of late. started with psychiatrist and have been diagnosed with PTSD. This is on top of my severe thought based OCD. At least it is not the suspected Bipolar that was diagnosed at first but has now been changed. The PTSD is still serious and started in my childhood. Trauma based therapy is now on the cards and they have explained it will be tough going. But I am ready for it, I want to get this sorted as best as I can.

 

Stay strong all.

Posted on:
Fri, 15/12/2017 - 12:50

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Day 87 GF - No desire to bet.

 

Great morning watching the little guy in his nativity play. These are the best things in life, amazing how much more I enjoy them now.

 

Stay strong all.

Posted on:
Fri, 15/12/2017 - 13:01

chartom3

Joined:
2015-03-11

Well done on 87 days GF, great going ...... good to see you enjoying the important things in life, something we dont do enough  of while  gripped by gambling ..... keep up the good work your doing  great.

Posted on:
Fri, 15/12/2017 - 16:18

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Thanks Chartom

Day by day, step by step. Getting there.

Posted on:
Mon, 18/12/2017 - 16:36

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

90 days GF - No desire to bet

 

I am doing OK. It is nearly Christmas and the little guy is getting excited. Took him to see Father Christmas yesterday and that was pretty cool. Things are still tough.My marriage is probably over, but at least my wife talks with me. It is heartbreaking to see how much I have hurt her.. Nothing we can do about the past sadly, we can only move forward. My next set of counseling starts in Kanuary.I also start trauma based therapy then. I will get there, as my thread title says 'I Am Determined.

 

Stay strong all.

Posted on:
Mon, 18/12/2017 - 17:07

Magnetism

Joined:
2017-12-15

Hi,

Like the poem.

I'm going to try that too.

Posted on:
Fri, 22/12/2017 - 08:10

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

94 Days GF -No desire to bet.

 

I have spent time learning about my diagnosis.I have Complex-PTSD, that relates to things in my childhood, and things I have bottled up along the way to today. Adding this to my Thought Based OCD is a real old cocktail. I have been reading about the link between PTSD and Gambling and I fall into many of its guises. Of course, I also need to accept responsibility for my actions and not blame everything on a mental health condition. That link however, has shown me why I turn to gambling when highly stressed (and it takes a lot of stress to get me there) So I can now work to finding ways to putting blocks in place to help me when I am so stressed. One thing is that I never turn to anyone for help, that is why this forum is so good for me as I can talk on here. I have real big social problems and I tend to get out of going places, talking to people etc. My mind is stuck in the fear I had in childhood and that has over time turned into not trusting most pople, family and friends included. It is very hard to explain it but that is how I am wired.So, having social and trust issues is not good for someone who needs to turn to others for help or go downhill. 

Gamcare arranged therapy for me three months ago and I ended up seeing a pychopherapist. She has been amazing and she is peeling back my mind and showing me the trouble that it keeps hold of. It is emotional and it is very difficult as well. It is also helping me in a big way. My understanding is growing. The Complex-PTSD diagnosis was scary I admit, though Finally I have the answer to what is inside my head. I have had the PTSD and OCD since my early childhood, I have many many years to unravel. In two weeks I start trauma therapy. They have told me that it will be very harsh and emotional at first. Am I scared? Yep I am!, but I am also looking forward to it in a strange way. My conditions can be eased with therapy and maybe medication, the way that my brain thinks can be reversed, and for the first time ever in my life I am looking at the possibility that I can live in a nortmal way. My PTSD will never fully go, though it can be controlled and my ways of thinking can be set on the right paths. This also means I can change how I cope with things, not just gambling,  but other things in my life. 

Nothing happens overnight. It is a long journey and they are already saying they are looking at up to 3 years of on/off therapy with me. But being on the path of that journey is incredible. I have no idea where it will take me or what the outcome will be.I doubt I know what a normal life feels like? but I sure as hell want to try and find out. I will still be me, they just want to remove the demons and help me to understand things.

Now I would never have said any of this anywhere a short while back.So thank you all for this forum that really is helping my life. Thank you Gamcare.

 

Stay strong all

 

Ant

Posted on:
Sat, 23/12/2017 - 14:55

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Day 95 GT - No desire to bet.

 

Just plodding on. Took little guy to park this morning, now going shops. Getting ready for Santa ho ho ho.

 

Take care all.

Posted on:
Mon, 25/12/2017 - 09:21

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Day 97 GF - No desire To Bet

 

Really enjoyed watching the little guy on Christmas morning. If ever there was a reason for me never to bet again it is that little guy. I hope one day I can convince my wife that I mean to banish any gambling for good.

 

Stay strong all

Posted on:
Tue, 26/12/2017 - 18:26

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Day 98 GF - No desire to bet

 

I just feel so awful today, so hopeless. This is the lowest I have felt in a long time. I hate my head at times. Nothing seems as if it will ever be better. I have so much sadness, it is so hard at times. I just feel alone, apart from my little boy there is nobody I am close with. Loneliness is horrible and so hard to go through.

 

I am OK,.My little boy means the world to me so no plans of going anywhere. I am just venting. Sadness is so horrible. I will be OK again soon.

 

Stay strong all.

Posted on:
Tue, 26/12/2017 - 18:52

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Find a meeting Ant Ant...Like addiction, recovery can be a terribly lonely place, better tackled with people who understand alongside us.

Keep venting, keep fighting & remember, you’ve survived every single rubbish day you’ve lived...This too shall pass.  Stay strong yourself - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Wed, 27/12/2017 - 09:52

Tommyt124

Joined:
2017-09-27

Hiya ant stay strong pal so good to see you are still here and not gambling jft

Posted on:
Wed, 27/12/2017 - 13:51

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Thank You all

 

I am Ok

 

99 Days not out GF

 

99 GF days floating in the summer sky (Well winter really)

 

Stay strong all

Posted on:
Thu, 28/12/2017 - 11:43

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

100 days GF- No desire to bet.

 

I suppose it is a landmark?Though it just reminds me of the mess my actions caused.

 

On we go, 101 tomorrow.

 

Stay strong all.

Posted on:
Thu, 28/12/2017 - 12:11

RSmith39

Joined:
2017-12-24

 

Hi AntAnt,

 

Relatively new to the forum but just wanted to say well done ... 100 days is a great achievement, and something I aspire to. It seems like you get very down, but ride it out, think of your little boy, and keep up the great work.

Rich

Posted on:
Thu, 28/12/2017 - 13:47

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Welcome to the century club my friend :-)

Regardless of why you are here, this is a huge achievement...Well done & keep up the good work - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Fri, 29/12/2017 - 21:38

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Thanks All

 

101 Days GF - no desire to bet.

 

I saw the docs today. I am now under the crisis team (probably why I went to the top of waiting lists for therapy) I can now walk into the local hospital crisis team unit at any time. Sort of makes me worry a little just how crazy tehy think I am. But I am doing good. Staying positive and looking forward to the future.

 

I wish you all a gamble free 2018 my friends

 

Stay strong all

Posted on:
Fri, 29/12/2017 - 21:40

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

RSmith39 wrote:

 

Hi Rich

 

I know you will get tehre buddy. Day by day take it.

 

Hi AntAnt,

 

Relatively new to the forum but just wanted to say well done ... 100 days is a great achievement, and something I aspire to. It seems like you get very down, but ride it out, think of your little boy, and keep up the great work.

Rich

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