Willpower!

Hi

Will power is an interesting topic.

Our will, our motivation, power as used in control issues, our vulnerability.

Before my recovery I did most things from reluctantly resentfully and in unhealthy ways.

I did not enjoy my job which was due to my unhealthy attitude, I use to think that work was me being controlled which was not true.

How many people enjoy their jobs, not many from what I can see.

On arriving in the recovery program I had given up all faith and hope in myself.

In the recovery program I found that I had confidence in myself, I was inadequate insecure and  inept.

There was an idea that people who asked questions were stupid people.

My asking questions indicates I do not know.

My asking questions indicates I am insecure or I want to understand more.

Before my recovery I did not value myself or other people.

There was an idea that compulsive gamblers were selfish, that for me is not true, compulsive gamblers are self destructive, not the same thing.

Why did I think and feel that gambling controlled my thinking and my life.

The gambling establishments were places I went to escape when I was emotional vulnerable and could not cope with people life and situations.

Long before my addictions and my obsessions I was risk taking, I was stealing, I was not being honest and open.

A time came when I decided to become selfish, to put as much effort in to my recovery as I put in to my addictions and obsessions.

The recovery program is all about healing for me, healing from the pains of self abuse but more importantly healing the hurt little child in me.

I use to think that the recovery program was going to control my life, this was not so, the recovery program was going to help me heal from the pains of my past, not just from the addictions but to help me heal my hurt inner child.

I had unfortunately got in to the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my feelings and my emotions.

Over time as I peeled back the onion and exposed more of myself the tears would flow and the healing process would start.

The addictions and obsessions were a form of escaping in my fears, the addictions and obsessions were a symptom that I was emotionally vulnerable.

When I went to the addictions and obsessions were a way of me escaping in my fears from people life and situations I could not cope with emotionally.

Before my recovery I could not admit to myself I had huge fears of emotional intimacy.

Before my recovery I could not admit to myself I was emotionally vulnerable.

Before my recovery I could not be honest and accountable to myself.

I was able to abstain from my addiction yet was not fully committed towards my recovery.

For me to abstain only and do nothing else than just go to work was white knuckling my recovery.

My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, my fears not faced, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my boredom was due to me not being motivated, and my loneliness was due to my fears of emotional intimacy.

My emotional triggers were my pains not healed. My emotional triggers were my fears not faced.

My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again.

My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy. My emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people. I can embrace change towards healthy habits today.

My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.

My unhealthy reactions in anger, resentments, impatience intolerance, jealous, envy, rage, lack of trust, guilt shame regret remorse penance person pleasing vengeance mistrust self worth low self esteem indicate that I am not fully healthy and not at serenity with myself today.

So today is control freedom of choice.

The choice to fulfill my wants my needs and my goals today.

It was very important for me to write down my needs, to write down my wants, to write down my goals.

This helped greatly in bringing clarity and focus in to my days recovery.

Being in recovery I would learn and understand my unhealthy reactions towards people life and situations.

Each pain in me that was not healed or resolved caused fears in me that I did not understand.

Part of my recovery was to identify face each fear and understand it.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

Our unhealthy sub conscious reactions cause to say and do things that go against our own conscience.

Our fear of being honest was a consequence of pains caused up on me in my child hood.

For every pain in my life were fears in me that I did not understand.

In the recovery program we find a healing of our self.

In the recovery program our fears reduce and our trust grows.

In time our fears no longer hinder our growth and our maturity.

Over time our unhealthy sub conscious reactions reduce and we open up more to healthy living.

Sadly in the recovery program some people get confused it is about right wrong good or bad, for me it is about what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

An apology is not about right wrong good or bad, it is all about healing relationships.

Am I healing relationships with myself today.

In the recovery program I am able to see and feel myself in others people therapies.

This is often refered as to relating to other people experiences both the healthy and the unhealthy habits.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi all.

Its a question of what willpower is in relation to a gambling addiction.

Its not just thinking right I will stop now and start counting the days. Its not just about joining the forum and introducing themselves

Its a willingness to totally submit to the tried and trusted advice. a will to be open and honest, admit that whatever it is has totally beaten you and reach out for all the avenues of help. A willingness to study and search your soul for the real answers I feel are there.

Its a willingness to tell people close however hard that may be and to hand financial control away to people who care

Harsh as it sounds to newcomers, there is dabbling at recovery in a deluded  and addicted state vs the real actions needed. That confusion can often lead to a beligerance or overconfidence that it can be done their own way and they can handle it with minimal advice

Ive seen plenty of new joiners that run scared of the advice and seem to feel they are being given advice by geeks. After all they are adults and they can handle it themselves.... Right?

It took me 10 months to do anything really productive about it after joining the forum. I was embarrassed and scared to fill out the exclusion forms and I was patting myself on the back for the days gamble free between relapses. The truth is that I had no money to gamble on those days after paying the threatening bills, heavily in debt and my paydays were fortnightly at the time so I was back gambling as soon as money came in.

I wrote a nice piece but it was far from getting at the crux of who I am.

When I started facing the uncomfortable truth in my soul it all started to come together. Crying for three days was  getting it out and a rock bottom moment for me. Then something washed over me which just seemed right...not a religious moment but a born again feeling of pure humility in the face of this. Then I acted fast and with real pride.

So its an extremely dangerous addiction which can make a mockery of willpower. The strength needed comes from support and confidence to act on good advice. Its a serenity to realise that I can overcome it but must never be complacent

Best wishes to everyone on the forum