To Tell Or Not To Tell That Is The Question?

Not good.

CW

Good question Martin . In my case I could have gone on quite a lot longer with my gambling as I had a fair few options available when it came to financing it , My partner and kids had no idea of what lie beneath my calm exterior .

A couple of things swung it for me to tell all , firstly I'd got to a point where I just couldn't stop and knew it was going to get no better until I did , I'd got to apoint where I'd considered the worst option possible for a way out but When I'd met my partner we'd both been through pretty horrible divorces and both been lied to , so I told her I wouldn't lie to her during our relationship but that was me thinking more about meeting someone else and not going behind her back . I then realised that My gambling was no different from having an affair , me sculking around and covering my tracks , So I told her all and it was the best decision ever :)) .

I like you just regrert not coming clean sooner :((.

Stay safe my friend

Al

Good topic. In my opinion telling all is the only option. I have yet to hear of anyone on the forum who keeps their addiction a secret from a spouse/loved one and it all works out for them. The secrecy and lies will eventually lead to them finding out one way or another anyway so I say take the plunge. In terms of debt it's impossible to keep the thousands of pounds owed a secret as even if you did abstain from gambling surely your loved one would notice the missing money every week/month? This will almost definately lead back to gambling, rationalising that it's our 'only way out' even though gambling is what put us in that position in the first place.

With that said it's not an easy thing to do by any stretch but it's a must do I think. One of my close friends (who also happens to be an active CG) says he will never tell his girlfriend about his problem and he wants to deal with it alone. Any advice I've given has fallen on deaf ears and it will only end badly for him.

I tried to do it alone, completely unsuccessfully. I then decided to come a bit clean, I gamble but it's all under control & sometimes I just need a bit of a distraction/someone to blame afterwards if you don't mind & blah blah blah, what tosh!

It was only by admitting to my partner (now husband) what I was struggling to admit to myself that I finally became able to move forwards. My mum knew & has used it against me for years so last week, I told my Nan, I hadn't spoken to her in yonks. 88 years young & her 1st thought was am I going to GA. I was 'getting away' with not telling Nan just like I could have done with my partner for a lot longer but the point is I don't want to get away with stuff anymore! I owe it to them & I owe it to me to be able to hold my head up & admit that this is me, warts & all. I wouldn't want to be deceived the way I have deceived my loved ones but I can't change what I did, just work on moving forwards a better me!

I'm yet to see anyone have success keeping it to themselves.
Although i guarantee we've all done it at some point. I think once you know you can't hide it no more its inevitable that you have to tell or get found out.

My wife knew for year's that I gambled possibly our whole relationship. But I still hid my gambaling and just passed it off as a bit of fun.

I told family and wish to God I hadnt, has unfortunately meant the breakdown of some relationships for good. They saw me as a normal person who was successful, they now see me as the black sheep of the family, a fool, someone who lies and steals and borrows money under false pretences, someone who cant be trusted, someone who acts in a completely different way to how they were brought up, goes against every family value.

I understand why people have to share their position with others but it depends on indvidual circumstances, if you need to tell for financial reasons fine, if you are just telling to be honest as I was with some as I was advised to, then I couldnt recommend that.

Captain, that seems a bit of a contradiction...You carried on believing that you could control your gambling. Do you think it would have been a different story if you'd put your hands up & said you needed help to stop? Why should they trust you if you intend to carry on doing the thing that had caused you to let them down in the 1st place?

I've told the people that need to know....
Hubby..adult children...couple of very close family and friends....thats about it..
For me...it's been the right decision. ...
And I'll fight daily....and strive to proove to those that matter that I'm serious about my recovery : )

Another interesting debate. I like this section.

I had to tell someone as I was as low as low gets and in deep that I was over two months behind with the rent. Erm it was more than that though because I didnt see the gambling ending without finally taking these steps. I just felt it was something I had to do

I understand what captain46 says and its not easy. I have a very straight laced father who sees things in black and white. He was very poor growing up and is very careful with money indeed a bit miserly. Gambling to him is almost the ultimate bad thing you can tell him and against his values.

Captain46 is right that it could break relationships but I feel they would have to be very harsh to consider that or maybe things were breaking down anyway. I suppose it is a true test of family love. I think individual circumstances have to be considered and its not easy. I knew enough that I felt my parents would be shocked but rally round in support.

However I got the words out and Im pretty glad that I did. I have to weigh up that I would rather not be trusted than carry on with that crazy activity of gambling. It is a tough decision and I have to say its not really made us closer but we were never really close anyway. I have to be deadly honest here and say part of my depression was wishing I had a closer family and a dad I could truly be friends with like I see other dads with their sons. I was already a bit of a black sheep and do find them judgemental but I took the view that there is no shame reaching out, admitting a problem and asking for help.

He is supportive in his own way and it shut down an easy source of finance as I was using them to top up my finances which I am ashamed about considering I was gambling away money. I hinted before and they know I gambled decades ago. However they didnt understand the addiction and just thought it a silly activity by someone who should grow up. Now they understand more.

I think it is generally the right decision because the secret is harmful to recovery and bottling it up inside can be very destructive

As the parent of a CG I would always want to be told everything. It's very difficult for all parties involved but if you want to move forward the best thing in my opinion is to get it all out in the open and then loved ones know what their dealing with and can hopefully start to make plans to support and try and move forward. - Wcid

Hi everyone,

I'm now 3 weeks without gambling however am fairly ashamed to say that I haven't told anyone yet.

I am deep in debt and there is no way that my wife won't find out, however I have taken the decision not to come clean until after Christmas. I know some of you would have a fairly dim view on this but my feeling is that I don't want to spoil the kids Christmas. I have been in this same position almost 4 years ago and my wife said it couldn't happen again. So I'm fairly sure that I will be kicked out of the family home. I knew this but I still chose to gamble, something which I'm finding quite hard to get my head around.

I tell myself that I love my wife and kids to bits but still I gambled knowing fine what the end result will probably be. Fairly disgusting behaviour. Then I tell myself that I obviously don't love my wife and kids because I've done this again. It's all fairly confusing, I've scared myself with some of my own behaviour and constantly question myself.

I'm actually almost at the point that I can't wait for January to come round so I can get this off my chest.

So in answer to the question, definitely best to tell.... just don't wait until it's too late like me.

Hi Proud Arab sorry to hear about your blip. Being gamble free for four years is a massive achievement though. If you done it for four years you can do it again. Your Addiction doesn't take away how much you love your wife and partner It doesn't mean you love them any less. I can understand your reasoning why you don't want to tell your wife until after Xmas, you must be on pins. When the time comes it's going to be awful for you both. Tell her with a plan already in place though tell her how long you've already been stopped tell her what you are going to do to make things better. Hopefully those previous four years of being gamble free will count for something. Good luck - wcid

Recovery without honesty does not exist.

I wasn't told and it made a bad situation worse. Deceit is not ok, at least for the person on the receiving end. For me, the worst aspect was when I knew something was wrong but was made to think that I was causing it or I was being paranoid or imagining it. I didn't know what was real and what wasn't, I was questioning my own judgement and sanity. Putting someone in that position is abusive and it's not a healthy way to demonstrate your love for them. Telling puts an immediate end to this sort of harm.

The process of gambling behind your family's back involves lying to them. It involves direct lies. ("No, I'm not gambling, no, I'm not in debt again, how could you possibly think such a thing?") It involves indirect lies about moodiness or unwillingness to socialise or being distant. ("No, I'm fine, you're imagining it.") And it involves lies by omission, not telling the people close to you something very important about yourself that affects them.

Suppose your OH had had an affair but decided that you didn't need to know what you didn't need to know? Why is keeping quiet about gambling any different?

Not telling closes doors to recovery. It's a whole lot harder to attend meetings or counselling if your loving OH "can't" be told.

A common line is "I can't tell, our relationship won't survive". That's nonsense, it's not the telling that will break the relationship, it's the addiction and the associated behaviour. And I would question what sort of a relationship can actually exist, built on and maintained by lies and financial and emotional abuse? Telling gives the chance to rebuild.

As Cathy says, recovery without honesty (from both sides of the fence) does not exist.

CW