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The money was only the fuel for my addiction  

 
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

When I handed over all of our finances to my wife I felt like I was being punished as a child.

The money was only the fuel for my addiction and if you take away that fuel sadly I would try and escape in other ways to another addiction or obsessions at other things, like television games computer etc.

The gambling for me was a form of escape.

Because of the build up the anticipation and my fears grew it caused an adrenaline rush in me which people refer to as the buzz.

Because of the high of the buzz I got in mind that while I was in action gambling that I loved it and that every thing else was boring.

I even felt that gambling controlled my life, but for me the gambling was a form of escape from people life and situations I could not cope with emotionally.

The addiction was an indicator that I was emotionally vulnerable longer before my addictions and obsessions.

When I walked in to the recovery I did not feel responsible for my unhealthy actions and for my unhealthy words.

I am a non religious person and understand that if I can heal from my life time of pains any one can do so also.

The minute I use to say to myself oh who cares any way was the very instant I was giving up all value faith and hope in myself.

Even today when I justify my actions or words I know that I am going against my own conscience and spiritual values.

When I walked in to the recovery program I was in a very unhealthy self destructive way of living.

I lied to escape responsibility with each lie came more fears in me.

I feared the telephone ringing, I feared the postman, I feared strangers coming to our front door.

I wished my life away, I only wanted to avoid responsibility, I felt that I had no choices in my life.

The recovery program helped me understand my needs and write them down.

The recovery program helped me understand my wants and write them down.

The recovery program helped me understand that I needed to have goals in my life and to write them down.

When ever I was asked in to the office my instant reaction what have I done wrong.

That was a subconscious reaction that I had about myself was very unhealthy.

In time I would exchange an unhealthy habit in to a healthy habit.

My time and my effort in to the recovery program would become very self rewarding.

Guilt shame regret remorse shame would be replaced with healthy productive pride.

Things I use to think were impossible became achieveable.

If I truly see and feel myself as an equal to all in recovery if they are able to achieve so so can I.

Recovery helps heal that hurt inner child.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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Posted : 20th April 2019 3:43 pm
Fifthteenthousand
(@fifthteenthousand)

Thanks for sharing this. Very relatable and helpful. 🙏

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th April 2019 4:14 pm
tamber12
(@tamber12)

perhaps i was one of the few gamblers that didn't get a buzz out of it.had been hurt and lost so many times i was emotionally dead. In a betting shop, for instance, other punters would not know if i was losing a small fortune or just won one.l

 

like you, i felt shame and anger after losing a wad of money, especially when back with my family ..thinking i could have spent that on these guys. guilt sets in. then the next day we go again. what a crazy life we all have lived. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and opinion. Stay strong.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th April 2019 5:19 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi

I think that I was a rat in the wheel getting faster and faster yet not getting any where healthy.

For me the addiction was self destructive. 

I was not hurting myself but also hurting the very people I was suppose to be loving towards and protecting them.

Sadly I had became my own worst enemy.

Regards Dave of Beckenham,

AKA Dave L

ReplyQuote
Posted : 21st April 2019 9:12 am
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Thank you for your sharing.

The gambling for me was a way of escaping in my fears when I was emotionally vulnerable.

To protect my hurt inner child I use to put on a facade and use to bury my pains and not allow myself to heal.

The money was the fuel for my addiction.

Once I did abstain from Gambling I would find other ways of escaping, television computers games etc.

For me when I replaced an unhealthy habit with a healthy habit that is when that is when my recovery kicked in.

We started to go out as a family and do ten pin bowling, that was fun.

When I told Shirley my wife I felt emotionally vulnerable we would go out and do some thing.

It is funny most people think that the compulsive gambler is the only one with emotional baggage once I was in my recovery and my family no longer feared that people talked about painful experiences they had not dealt with or healed.

I am able to achieve so much with my life today.

At one time I wished my life away.

Now there is not enough hours in the day.

Sadly I could only get healthy once I admitted to myself that certain things were unhealthy.

My fear of emotional intimacy has been drastically reduced. 

You would think that if I got married I did not fear emotional intimacy. LOL

Best wishes

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 22nd April 2019 12:43 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

It was my pleasure

Thank you

ReplyQuote
Posted : 22nd April 2019 12:44 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posted by: tamber12

perhaps i was one of the few gamblers that didn't get a buzz out of it.had been hurt and lost so many times i was emotionally dead. In a betting shop, for instance, other punters would not know if i was losing a small fortune or just won one.l

 

like you, i felt shame and anger after losing a wad of money, especially when back with my family ..thinking i could have spent that on these guys. guilt sets in. then the next day we go again. what a crazy life we all have lived. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and opinion. Stay strong.

Hi

I think that being dead inside is a state of trauma after suffering pain, it is not a healthy way to be or to live in, that I felt like I was unable to heal my pains and could not cry for my hurt inner child.

Once I was able to abstain only then could the healing process happen.

At meetings both of my legs use to twitch and I could not help myself.

The trauma in my life was very painful yet if people asked me how I was feeling I would say not so bad or I am ok.

Living in the pains of my guilt was not healthy, and in time I would recognize that I was not a healthy person.

There were so many fears in me and now understand that most of my fears stemmed from child hood trauma.

Yet by attending meetings was very important yet I did not think so at the time.

No matte when your last bet go to a meeting.

No matter if you have no money go to a meeting.

I found that going to meetings I would internalize how other people were or not like what I heard but it is important go to a meeting.

People will some times change from one addiction to another or even take up obsessions just another way of escaping or deviating facing them self.

We do talks in recovery centers and is very rewarding to have an interaction with people who want to be healthy and have some control in their life.

The wording in the recovery program to be normal, I use to say that quite often.

Only once we are open to understanding people life and situations we recognize the reference normal is not very healthy.

Being in the recovery program we raise our bar to  want to be healthier than normal.

I felt such a failure when I lost my money, once I had reached my bottom the only way was up for me.

Me being unhealthy was self destructive, I was not a dumb person, I was not stupid, recovery is not about good bad right or wrong,  my recovery is about me not be a healthy person and a very emotionally vulnerable person.

Yet I could not get healthy until I was willing to admit to myself that I was being very unhealthy.

When I walked in to recovery the person I feared facing the most was myself.

When I was in two prisons I did not feel responsible for my actions even though I was very much guilty.

In prison I use to cry myself to sleep like a little hurt child.

When I walked in to the recovery program I did not feel responsible for my actions, I felt like the addiction controlled my life.

No the addiction did not control my life, it was fear that made me escape from people life and situations when I was emotionally vulnerable.

The lists of my fears were due to pains and trauma in life that were not healed or resolved.

I was very much a loner before my addictions and obsessions.

The wording I used was obsessive, I have to, I have to implies reluctance,  it implies my motives were not healthy.

I learned in time that I have to was going to change to I want to or I need to, in writing them down was going to help me move towards a healthier way of thinking.

My daily lists were to help me stay focused on healthy actions and healthy words.

Before my recovery I always felt guilty or unworthy, I use to question spending money on myself like I was not worthy.

Beating our self up is not healthy.

There was one time that I was coming up to my very first one year GA birthday, I was very nervous and scared of attending my birthday so much and hearing people talk about me I found out that I went back to gambling because of my fears.

No matter how long you have been off gambling clean time can not be lost, often the fact the only time lost is the days we gambled, clean time can be lost.

It is a very unhealthy habit to beat our self up, causing our self more pain is very unhealthy.

My impatience and intolerance of others indicates we are hard on our self.

My impatience and intolerance causes frustrations and then anger in our self.

My impatience and intolerance is due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, sadly I keep doing it time and time again not understanding it is not other people hurting me, it is me that is causing me pain.

Sorry for taking so long about my recovery, I do hope that you see your self in me as I use to be.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th April 2019 9:59 am
tamber12
(@tamber12)

Thank you for sharing that Dave, heartfelt words.Hope this message finds you well and strong!

I sincerely believe I have beaten this horrible destructive disease, after saying that i also know i am one bet away from failure, so always on my guard.

what's so different this time you may say,I have Faith, Faith in myself Faith in God to help me, never had this feeling of strength before, always been a weak man.

I wish you well in your recovery, stay strong. Keep the Faith, and if you haven't got it, get it!

Kind Regards Tamber

ReplyQuote
Posted : 25th April 2019 8:09 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi Tamber

Thank you for your comments.

Recovery and healing have given me a life never thought possible.

It makes every thing much easier dealing with one at a time one day at a time.

Since being in the recovery I am often tested at different times that is the way recovery works for me.

There was a time I lived on the edge of panic most of the time.

I wish you well

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th April 2019 5:31 am
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi Tamber

At one time I was so sure I understood every thing about my recovery and my emotional triggers.

That proved unhealthy for me because eventually I Gambled once more.

That last bet helped me become more dedicated to myself and my recovery.

I put far more effort and time in to my recovery.

Going back to Gambling was so painful that I felt I am worth more now today.

I do hope you place your complete trust in to the recovery program it helps us achieve goals we thought were impossible at one time.

My life is full of productivity and my relationships are very intimate today.

It is wonderful to no longer live in fear or self doubt any more.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

ReplyQuote
Posted : 29th April 2019 2:24 pm
tamber12
(@tamber12)

Good to hear you making sense, out of a previous chaotic life all we gamblers have led.

Myself, I am still feeling strong. pleased to hear you are still making progress,

when our minds are at peace, we stand a great chance of victory, onwards and upwards.

Kind regards 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th May 2019 5:09 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi Tamber

It is very pleasant for me to not react in such unhealthy ways to people life and situations.

I questioned what was happiness, and for me happiness is being content with who you are, who you are with, where you are, and what you have.

To think I would find happiness and contentment through money and material things was an indication of how messed up I was.

I like to think that I am emotionally detached from all feelings and emotions towards all forms of Gambling today.

I am emotionally detached all feelings and emotions towards all Gambling establishments, they never hurt me, I hurt myself.

Regards Dave

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th May 2019 6:08 pm
tamber12
(@tamber12)

True happiness is being grateful for what we have, family friends. a roof over your head etc etc.not our desires for more. When i gambled a £1000 i wanted to double it triple it, i don't know why, conditioning of a lifetime of gambling. When i won i had no use for the money other than to gamble more, sheer greed.

Triggers for me, when upset or after a barney i would binge on gambling,and while in that frame of mind i would almost always lose. and even though i new this i would still punish myself and do it, utter madness.

Now for me, i am strong, although i take nothing for granted, one day's mistake could lose 1-2months wages.

i am now quietly confident i have the measure of this beast of addiction.and i wish you every success in your ongoing fight, Keep our guards up at all time.

Glad to hear you are enjoying your time in the relationships that matter most, and that includes yourself. let's face it we are with ourselves far more than interacting with others.once we can like our selves. maybe even love ourselves, we can then. succeed, and share the love.

best wishes on your journey. and may your life get better in every way. keep the good work up!

Kind regards Tamber

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th May 2019 5:42 pm
tamber12
(@tamber12)

By the way Dave you inspire me!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th May 2019 5:54 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi Tamber 

By relating to each other is a healthy kind of honesty.

Thank you for your comments as you share you to will inspire other people to be healthier today.

Thank you for your sharing, take good care of your self.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th May 2019 8:36 pm
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