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Dealing with regret about past

 
JohnMac
(@johnmac)

Hi All,

While since I've posted here, but would really appreciate a chat about a specific issue. It's been a bugbear for me, even since I got over my problem gambling.

How do you deal and cope with your regrets?

 

Personally I have many, but some stick much harder than others - that was about not being a good person, and not having an enjoyable life for some significant periods of my earlier life - much caused by having debt and gambling problems that I had caused myself, of course. I really regret those times, and mostly because I didn't live my life fully enough at some key times - there is one memory that still haunts me, and no-one even knew about it at that time apart from if they had guessed. It was a family memory, and I cried when I should have been happy. What I really regret is that I have too many of those memories in my head, and the link to my family especially kids, with memories and times I'll never get back or live again now.

Sorry if that's a little rambled, but just my way of putting out this issue for myself and maybe others.

Cheers for any thoughts, 

JohnMac.

This topic was modified 2 months ago by JohnMac
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Topic starter Posted : 11th December 2021 5:01 pm
RouletteRegret
(@rouletteregret)

Good Morning John,

Although easier to say but often harder to action, I think you have to forgive yourself for the things that have happened in your past.

I think we all have to look at our actions today and do the very best that we can. We can be accountable for daily actions and behaviours but we can’t change the past.

I think no matter what has occurred in the past, people will view you as how you behave today. They remember the wrongs of the past but they can see a changed person before them now.

I suppose if a bad event happened which affected another person then an apology can be issued with an explanation.

In terms of personal regrets i.e. missed time with kids, I would look at doing all I can to build strong relationship bridges and being the best and most supportive parent I can be now. We’ve all been absent with time and done things wrong when gripped with addiction. The addiction does that. Nothing else and nobody else seems as important in that time but when the gambling stops life priorities begin to become more clear and gets clearer the longer we stay off a bet.

This is a difficult thing to answer because each person’s regrets are different and affect them in a personal way. For me, do the best you can today, have the same mindset for tomorrow and forgive your actions of the past. You’re not the you of the past that person has changed.

Take care.

RR

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Posted : 12th December 2021 8:32 am
JohnMac
(@johnmac)

Thanks very much for your reply RouletteRegret - I guess you've had similar feelings given your name too.

I can see that we most likely all share something of the 'lost time' issues as you suggest. I also agree with your point that there's nothing directly we can do to change the past, only the present and future. I will keep trying to work on that perspective for sure.

Thanks for your thoughts on this,

John.

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 12th December 2021 1:13 pm
captain46
(@captain46)

Hi Johnmac

Thanks for the post on my diary, glad you have found some of the material on there of use over the years and are able to resonate with it.

This thread seemed the most recent from you so the most appropriate to reply on?

For me the level of regret will be extremely variable from one CG to another, I would suggest based on a combination of how long the gambler has had a problem, and what they have lost, financial and otherwise.

I always give advice to the 20 somethings and 30 somethings that they have to put the past behind them, forget about their mistakes and losses and look forward, and while doing so do everything they can to find other pastimes and hobbies instead of gambling.

I really dont think its so easy when you are older (I'm 55, I dont know how old you are). After making a number of bad life choice decisions and gambling compulsively for over 30 years, losing enough that if I hadn't gambled I could be a millionaire (seriously, no exaggeration ), losing friendships, relationships, trust, respect etc. etc., living as a gambler as a way of life, having so many fresh starts and new beginnings and resolving to improve, do better, well after 30 years of that I find it impossible not to spend time thinking about all the 'what  if' scenarios and all the regrets. Of course I try not to dwell on it too much but it will always be a factor. Plus at my age there are simply less opportunities in life, much more difficult to just 'start again'. 

So I focus on what I do have, try and appreciate that my life is better than a hell of a lot of others despite my regrets and and my debt, appreciate the simple things in life and focus on recalling the great memories I have, those before I became a CG and Yes some of the good gambling memories too. I'll never be in the camp of seeing gambling as bad and evil and those who offer the odds didnt make me a CG. 

But dont be thinking you are bad person John, you are a guy with an addiction, most CGs I know are decent people, many with a heart of gold, caring people, reliable, dependable, loving, but unfortunately we have this little beast inside us which means we are Jekyll and Hyde characters and when the beast gets control we are not behaving like out true selves, in that mode our brains are wired differently and we behave in a way which is not our true self.

I hope you can minimise the time you spend on regret and focus on the here and now and be the best person you can and live the best life you can 

It aint going away.

Captain 

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Posted : 29th December 2021 7:55 pm
JohnMac
(@johnmac)

Thanks very much for your reply Captain - sorry I haven't quite got the hang of which posts we reply to on here either, find it slightly confusing with different sections and posts to be honest! If I can get around to making a diary myself I may do that at some point in future. 

I appreciate your points about regret in particular - I'm 51 (very nearly 52) so we are a similar age. It is hard to look back at our age, though I suppose to someone 75 we would also look young! 🙂 I have a great family to be thankful for really (2 boys also, now in their teens), but one of my regrets is when the youngest one was little it was my worst time of my life - hiding debt, throwing up with stress, not sleeping etc. I feel I missed his younger life in part, due to that. In reality I probably only missed some of it, and there were some good times also, but memory plays tricks when it comes to thinking back...

I still suffer (as I mentioned in my other post on your diary) with needs and urges for some of my old gambling activities, even though I know that's not a good thing. I read your diary because you have much discussion of 'limited' gambling, though I realise you don't advise that now. I don't either, deep down, but have found myself allowing some of it still, though for now at least I've kept it to the very limited scale. 

These two issues do link up I find - one area of my regret is that I used to share with my wife some specific areas of gambling, and we enjoyed each other's company in that way - now that I've almost 'stopped' all activity gambling, one area is losing that connection we shared, which also makes me miss it. Silly I know, as she is the one stopping me now. It just feels like a little bit of a lost connection, which is a crazy paradox when bad gambling caused me to lose it!

Thanks so much for adding your thoughts, as I find your posts some of the most inciteful I've ever read about our shared conditions and experiences. Would love to hear any further thoughts you have.

John.

 

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 30th December 2021 3:13 pm
captain46
(@captain46)

Hi John 

Just a couple of points here and also replying next to your post on my diary.

I understand your regret that you missed some of the time with your kids growing up due to your addiction  - its not easy to just erase that from your mind, but please do try and focus on the good memories and being the best guy you can to your boys now, or you will drive yourself crazy. Focus on the now and the future.

As for spending time historically gambling with your wife, I feel the need to throw a bit of light-heartedness in here and to say that surely you and your wife had more in common than just being gambling partners 😉  - think of all the other good times you have shared together?

To compare, I hid a lot of my gambling in my relationships, tried to keep my mood changes to myself as much as possible, wasnt always easy and didnt always work, but I've never been in a relationship with a gambler. Also I know you miss some of the social aspect of gambling with friends - difficult for me to compare that one either - I attended race meetings with groups of friends many years ago but that was during a time when my gambling wasnt compulsive and not causing me a problem. But for most of my life I have been a loner and the vast majority of gambling has been on my own.

It aint going away.

Captain

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st January 2022 2:14 pm
JohnMac
(@johnmac)

Thanks again Captain, great points as usual.

In terms of regretting missed time around my kids, yes, I agree moving forward and making sure I'm much better from here is the only really positive way to think. You can't go back essentially, none of us can and I'm sure most on these forums would if they could!

As for the social element with my wife, as you'll see I've posted a bit more about that in my post on your diary. She never gambled like I did, but joined in the 'ride' so to speak, as is a little clearer I hope when you see my description of my past activities.

Thanks again for your thoughts here.

John.

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Topic starter Posted : 1st January 2022 7:28 pm
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