Hello
Does a day count potentially give licence to a recovering CG (even subconsciously) to only put a certain amount of GF time behind them?
What I mean is that I've noticed some people come on and say in their initial statement that they need to quit gambling for at least (6 months, a year etc) to get things back on track - then when they reach that marker they post again with sad news of a major relapse.
I used to do stuff like this all the time. Once big loans were paid off (from gambling) - within a week they would be back in force, just with a different lender this time.
Whilst it's cool to celebrate markers like 6 months and a year, for a CG isn't the idea really to quit this for good? Should the / do the days really matter to a recovering gambler who is trying to make a better life for themselves?
Dont get me wrong - I was obsessed with my day count at the beginning (it was a real motivator for me), but at no point did I place a marker on how long I wanted to go gamble free this time, there was no target set, rather that my metrics this time were based around quality of life and wellbeing (I think you nailed it once ALN: "health and wellbeing are all that matter now")
Anyway what do you guys think about this? Would welcome views from both new-skool and old-skool recovering CG's!
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Are day counts potentially dangerous and deterimental to an otherwise good recovery? Should the metric be changed? If so, to what? ?
What I mean is that I've noticed some people come on and say in their initial statement that they need to quit gambling for at least (6 months, a year etc) to get things back on track - then when they reach that marker they post again with sad news of a major relapse.
I used to do stuff like this all the time. Once big loans were paid off (from gambling) - within a week they would be back in force, just with a different lender this time.
Ha ! That sound just like the old me.
Its symptomatic of viewing stopping as just a financial decision / rebuilding finances even if its ever so slightly, or getting the next balance transfer / loan.
It's everything else that goes alongside being a gambler that I regret more.
I've a shed load of debt, but in I can cope with that as I've juggled debt for decades. It's the rest of my self that I find harder to deal with. The debt will be paid off in 4 - 6 years.
Life opportunities lost, education and jobs squandered, family time lost - they are all gone forever.
The days were really important at the start, maybe to day 150 ish - most importantly it demonstrated to myself that I could do it, it breaks the cycle and gives you headspace.
I think targeting a date is dangerous - basically you are waiting to gamble again.
Life opportunities lost, education and jobs squandered, family time lost - they are all gone forever.
It was me that was more obsessed with the tally to start with. It still crosses my mind but not so much these days as the relapse stat rates have moved further in Mr L's favour. I'm still however very aware percentages don't really mean much so the financial blocks remain in place and that won't ever change.
Mr L doesn't believe in counting GF time. He's of the mindset that it's for life so there's no point.
Mr L doesn't believe in counting GF time. He's of the mindset that it's for life so there's no point.
Yup, I'm inclined to agree with that ?
I think a day count in the very beginning is important psychologically - it's a good way of marking out the newness of a new lifestyle, and as the early days go by, the day count is reassuring and the growing total can help to feed the sense of wellbeing.
However, I've stopped counting days.
I now prefer to think in terms of counting the positive changes I've made in 2019.
I take more care of my money. I make better financial decisions. I know exactly how I stand financially. I stay in budget and I am cautiously beginning to make financial plans.
I take more pride in my home. I look after things better. I am finding time to catch up on decorating and cleaning and I'm pleased with the results.
I am more sociable. I have more time for people. I meet up with family and friends more often. I am more present.
I care about myself a lot more. I get more sleep. I eat better. I'm happy at work.
I read more. I play more games on the pc. I watch more TV (selectively) and I've enjoyed following the tennis this year.
In terms of the count, it's been six months since I got a grip. But it's the list above that's made that time meaningful.
I think a day count in the very beginning is important psychologically - it's a good way of marking out the newness of a new lifestyle, and as the early days go by, the day count is reassuring and the growing total can help to feed the sense of wellbeing.
However, I've stopped counting days.
I now prefer to think in terms of counting the positive changes I've made in 2019.
I take more care of my money. I make better financial decisions. I know exactly how I stand financially. I stay in budget and I am cautiously beginning to make financial plans.
I take more pride in my home. I look after things better. I am finding time to catch up on decorating and cleaning and I'm pleased with the results.
I am more sociable. I have more time for people. I meet up with family and friends more often. I am more present.
I care about myself a lot more. I get more sleep. I eat better. I'm happy at work.
I read more. I play more games on the pc. I watch more TV (selectively) and I've enjoyed following the tennis this year.
In terms of the count, it's been six months since I got a grip. But it's the list above that's made that time meaningful.
??✊ Great post.
It is interesting though that GA mark anniversaries. Mr L's group have an annual open meeting to recognise those with significant GF time so they must think there's some value in maintaining a broad count.
It is interesting though that GA mark anniversaries. Mr L's group have an annual open meeting to recognise those with significant GF time so they must think there's some value in maintaining a broad count.
Yeah I remember after 6 months when my GA group were doing head counts for recognitions and I kept quiet as I didn't really care, someone noticed and on the day I was called up on the spot to talk and receive one. I wasn't ready for it but I gave a quick speech and received a card... Was quite overawed with the experience, turns out I did care and I still have the card ?
I have never counted the days. In fact, when I first came here, I was quite surprised of people actually doing this. Nearly everyone knew the exact date of their last flutter. Why was that the case? At first I really didn't get it. I even found the word 'gamble-free' quite irrirating... this should be the norm, shouldn't it? I should be grateful for not having to think of it on a daily basis anymore...
"Congratulations, you can be really proud.", people kept on saying.
Proud? Really? Of what? It should go without saying, shouldn't it?
My neighbour would never care to count the days since he last played the lottery...
It confused me. Why do others care so much that they'd keep track of it? Why do they remember? For me, I was always glad when I managed to make it through the day without getting into trouble.
Mhhh... well... that's the point, isn't it? They managed to do this for quite some time now.
That aside, it's encouraging for others. 'Look, it's doable.' If you start seeing it that way... Yes. Makes sense. You never stop learning.
But still... I don't find it relevant. It doesn't say much about where someone is on their road to recovery. When it comes to actual 'progress', time doesn't matter much, everyone's got their own speed for implementing change.
For me, it took way longer than it did for others. In fact, I'm still working on it.
As for setting dates... I agree. All it does is giving you the illusion of this actually having an 'end point'... a mark when it will all be over and returning to old habits might even be okay again at some point.
Like some kind of sentence that just has to be served.
But abstinence shouldn't be viewed as a punishment for pushing it too far once more... it should come with a complete refurbishing of my life and mindset.
Without that, not even 100 years would make a difference.
Thank you for posting from a partners perspective.......
I think fairly quickly that the date we stopped gambling becomes more important than the days.
Every meeting I have been to starts with introductions..
'My names Ken, and I'm a compulsive gambler.
My last bet was 27th August 2018."
Openness, honesty, acceptance and an anniversary.
Even if I wasn't reminding myself, that day is etched in my memory - without logging on here, I only know roughly how many days it is (so its August, so I must be in the 330's).
But the actual date ?
Well it is an anniversary - part death, part re-birth and part small celebration.
When it comes to actual 'progress', time doesn't matter much, everyone's got their own speed for implementing change.
For me, it took way longer than it did for others. In fact, I'm still working on it.As for setting dates... I agree. All it does is giving you the illusion of this actually having an 'end point'... a mark when it will all be over and returning to old habits might even be okay again at some point.
Like some kind of sentence that just has to be served.But abstinence shouldn't be viewed as a punishment for pushing it too far once more... it should come with a complete refurbishing of my life and mindset.
Without that, not even 100 years would make a difference.
This is what I like most about this sight, people who can articulate perfectly how it should be.
Nice post bluescreen
There is an old prison saying (so I'm told).
'Don't serve the time, let the time serve you'.
We have the rest of our lives ahead of us. Let's make the most of it.
Some great replies here.
Yes abstinence should not be viewed as a sentence to count the days on the wall. Abstinence sets you free. Dont serve the time...let the time serve you.
Its a serenity to realise that it may always be within us and there is never room for complacency. That doesnt mean I'm weak. It means I'm strong with the knowledge to beat this addiction into the dustbin of history.
I dont look at my days now and I dont write a success story based on my days. Im grateful for the help and advice to face the addiction and recover from it.
I understand its sheer power.I both fear and respect it. I was vunerable to it for forty years and I dont forget those facts. Its a learning process and we never stop learning. I feel I now know why I became addicted. I had to do a lot of soul searching as a lonely escape seeker and in many ways the toughest part was facing my delusional denial of who I really am as a person and where I fit into this world
The days rack up after a born again moment. Maybe I casually counted them at the start but it was never a struggle when I felt a great sense of relief
When I was ill with it I was congratulating myself for six days between binges so I am very wary of defining myself at any stage with a day count.
Its a mindset, a healthly mind. I dont want to gamble now. I see no point in it and my thoughts are clear.
Best wishes to everyone on the forum
I thought to start with its a great help, however as time goes by I’m doing it less now.
Like has been said , for me this is for life, it has to be forever as time is not on my side and in truth I had to stop.It is the biggest challenge of my life and I’m nearly 5 months in.
financially this will take 3 years or so to work out, in the past I feared no debt and fell into the trap of gambling again, this time will be different, I’ve suddenly found new meaning to money.
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