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Posted on:
Fri, 19/01/2018 - 23:54

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello S&B. Thank you for posting on my diary. I had a good chuckle at the picture you put in my mind, ha ha I don't think paper aeroplanes would be appreciated in the English class.

I have been at my Five Rhythm dance tonight, I had to take it a bit easy because of my chest/breathing problems but nevertheless had a great evening. Absolutely wonderful, being in the company of like minded people, using movement to music as a form of self expression. It really makes me feel good inside. The secret is not to be self conscious but to just lose oneself in the dance. We all had a get together with snacks afterwards which was nice. 

Sorry you have been having a sad day. My thoughts are with you and hope your feeling better tomorrow. I must say I enjoy the laughter, music and joy you put into the diaries. 

Hope the angels gather around you tonight bringing you warmth, reassurance and comfort. Sweet dreams...stephen x 

Posted on:
Sat, 20/01/2018 - 01:00

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thanks for sharing that music S&B. I really like that song ( Naughty Boy - La la la ) and the video is brilliant.

I think it is good to air one's feelings rather than keeping it all bottled up. I also believe it takes a lot of courage to be open and honest about our fears, emotions and thoughts. One never knows how others will react and if a sufferer has had negative responses in the past than they will be inclined to say nowt and suffer in silence.

Take care my friend. We don't know what will be blowing in tomorrow's wind. Probably old plastic bags and other junk but we can only do our own little bit to make the world a better place. We might as well have some fun while we're here. Don't suppose we will get a second shot at it unless the Buddhists have it right and we keep coming back !!!! Stephen x 

 

Posted on:
Sat, 20/01/2018 - 01:14

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Wow I really like that music you posted on my diary, Paul Van D yke - For An Angel. really got my feet tapping. I imagine Little Miss Wildchild would be up for that one....stephen x 

Posted on:
Sat, 20/01/2018 - 02:37

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thank you S&B for another great musical treat. There is so much out there for me to choose from but I try to keep within my tablet allowance of 10 wotsits a month, otherwise I have to fork out for more data.

Anyway it is getting late. Time now to rest weary bones alongside my faithful companion the water bottle. I fill it with hot water and in return it keeps me warm in bed. A perfectly good arrangement and not once has it criticised, shouted or given me jobs to do.

Sweet dreams. Wishing you a weekend of peace, contentment and jolly adventures ...stephen x 

Posted on:
Sat, 20/01/2018 - 13:38

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Awwww, SJB. I think feeling your anger is a sign you are healing.

Counselling will be bringing up a lot of raw emotion. Perhaps of no-one helping that little girl when she needed it? Now feeling like this, is what you are finding today, in your adult world. 

Do you know about trauma triggers? I feel like one of yours is feeling like there is no-one there to help you, when you need it. These feelings, and the rage that comes with them, are probably unexpressed from childhood. We humans usually punish children for their anger, without asking the question "why is this child so angry?" So, you probably bottled it up for fear of abandonment. You may have formed the belief that "angry people do not receive/deserve love". Of course you deserve love. Thing is, it's difficult to be close to someone with a lot of anger. Have you found this in your own life? That it's stressful to be around a lot of anger? That it feels OK to be close to people who occasionally get really angry, or often have a rant, but it's difficult to be close to anyone who often flies into rages? I don't know how often your anger gets unmanageable, so this may not be you. Just know that you are not your anger. Your anger, possibly rage, is the appropriate response to being abused. Thing is, as adults, if someone is abusive, we have the choice to stay or go. We don't have this agency as children. So the anger, fear and rage is very strong. It's us trying to survive.

It's not you people may be rejecting - I say may be , because people may not be rejecting you at all. They may just be distracted and busy/preoccupied with their own stuff. If they are rejecting anything, it's probably just the anger. The good news is, you are now dealing with the root of this anger, so, as it begins to reach more manageable levels, people will begin to flock around you.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are just healing. Healing hurts - but it's going to be sooooooooo worth it! I promise.

F x

Posted on:
Sun, 21/01/2018 - 00:32

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello S&B. Wow you really brought home to me the occasions when I felt let down and  unjustly treated by someone. When it happens I feel annoyed with myself for letting the actions of the perpetrator get to me. By doing so I have allowed their slanderous remarks to inflict even more hurt on me. If not nipped in the bud it can cause much unnecessary heartache. 

I think it best to ignore personal attacks if possible. It is certainly possible on the diaries where we are protected by our friends in Admin.  I am reminded of the poem Desiderata from which I quote "Avoid loud and aggressive persons for they are vexations to the spirit."

Take care. You are a good person just trying to live life in a peaceful, carefree way. Your many friends, who love and respect you, want to see you living a happy, contented life....stephen x 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 21/01/2018 - 01:23

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi S & B, I've only just caught up with your posts, hadn't seen them since the beginning of the week. I cant admit to understanding some of them but it certainly sounds like you've been through the mill.
Take care, never forget, you are strong and you can get through this so that you can achieve all that you want for yourself. Sending you calming thoughts and I hope next week finds you feeling happier from within x

Posted on:
Sun, 21/01/2018 - 02:05

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Ps. S&B and Abstained. Little miss wildchild was pushing my hands up in the air and partying with the best of them to Paul van ****! Ibiza here I come haha!! X

Posted on:
Sun, 21/01/2018 - 17:53

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hello S_J_B,

Well done for recognising the abusiveness of the forum post which another forum member posted on your diary, and which was promptly deleted by a forum admin.  Our forum rules state that members should not post 'Malicious' comments, and on the rare occassions when this occurs we generally remove the offensive text and place the offending user's account on moderation so they cannot freely re-offend.  For those very rare forum members who have demonstrated over a period of time that they appear unable or unwilling to refrain from posting abusive comments, we block their forum account, and we block any new accounts they create, because they have evidenced in their behaviour an ongoing pattern of breaking the forum rules despite our attempts to help them to recognise and to follow the forum rules.  The rules exist to protect the forum for the intended purpose of sharing online peer support for recovery from problem gambling. 

I think it is useful to see that their abusive behaviour is not normal behavior on the forum, as the norm on this forum is to share supportive comments.   Their destructive behaviour is the exception rather than the norm.   We are sorry that you were targeted with an abusive post on your diary, and we hope that you find that overall the forum is a supportive place for you to use for peer support online.  You are welcome to continue using the forum, where most members share compassionately and with integrity, or if you prefer to take a break from the forum, you can return when you feel ready.  You are also welcome to use our freephone helpline and netline.

Take care,

Forum admin.

Posted on:
Tue, 23/01/2018 - 11:27

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

My goodness, S!

I'm so sorry you've experienced this. It must be so distressing. Sending you lots of love.

F x

Posted on:
Tue, 23/01/2018 - 12:46

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hope you are okay, thinking of you 

Wilsy x

Posted on:
Wed, 24/01/2018 - 15:07

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I love that entry! :-)

I can relate to some aspects of yourself having to burn to the ground, before they can be rebuilt. I thought I couldn't forgive something, yesterday morning - by the evening it was processed and gone. I seem to go through these intense processes very quickly though. Can be exhausting! It's comforting when you learn that things falling apart, is sometimes part of the process of healing. Easier to just ride it.

You've got great bounce-back-ability! Very strong and resilient, is our S :-)))

F x

Posted on:
Sun, 28/01/2018 - 00:15

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Well done on staying strong, S. 

You deserve a peaceful month with progress made, financially. 

Everyone is different but one thing that used to help me, was focusing on how the gambling industry exploits addicts. How they try to find ways to entice us back, how it's an immoral industry that wants our money but doesn't care what it does to us. Profit before people. I got defiant and started feeling determined not to let them profit from my misery! Not to let them win. Just an idea. Might that help fuel your determination? Another trick is to "mentally fast forward" to how you will feel once all that money is gone. Wasted in a short space of time. Really visualise how that will look and feel. I still remember vaguely, the horror that dawns on you. The feeling in the pit of the stomach. 

You deserve to have a better month after working so hard.

I relate to what you say about addicts being prone to making unhealthy attachments. I still do it myself. I'll have a favourite place that I go through a phase of visiting for lunch all the time, a favourite tv show I'll binge watch, a favourite meal I'll cook over and over. I even have favourite games I'll want to play, over and over, while it's my current obsession.

Take care,

F x

Posted on:
Fri, 02/02/2018 - 13:58

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Just checking in and lovely to read your positive post. Will both be on the 100 day mark very soon.

Wilsy x

Posted on:
Sat, 03/02/2018 - 22:35

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Hi SJ

Sorry youv been having a bad time, I see from your last post you seem to be in a better place, youv always been so amazing and encouraging to me on my diary and helped me through some very dark times. Never forget how strong you are, your a great inspiration. Please take care of yourself. Good luck on the job front a positive change nay be just what you need. Take care, speak soon.

Bw

Posted on:
Tue, 06/02/2018 - 15:29

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

What a great post S&B!

Wilsy 

Posted on:
Tue, 06/02/2018 - 19:38

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Oh ((((S))))

I'm sorry you've been feeling so low. I was very emotional last week. More anger than depression but I feel something out there in the cosmos was making things intense for us all.

Do you have a crisis service in your area? They have been invaluable to me, keeping me on this planet on a couple of very dark days. Your GP will know, so ask him/her. 

Hope this week has been kinder to you.

F x

Posted on:
Sat, 10/02/2018 - 00:01

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Congratulations S&B. Great progress on your journey to freedom. 100 days gamble free. You have done really well.

I have taken this extract from your first entry which I think is very poignant.

" Life will never be easy. Each day I open my eyes to the world I learn that I have to face my fears, look my troubles in the eye and deal with them head on. Every day I have a choice and it's down to me to decide what I want from my future. A day further from self-destruction - a day closer to a brighter tomorrow."

Wishing you a weekend of peace, contentment and jolly adventures...stephen. x 

Posted on:
Sat, 10/02/2018 - 23:50

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

great to hear you feeling so strong and positive :-)

Posted on:
Sun, 11/02/2018 - 14:52

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

haha! don't let it go to your head! :-) easy does it!

You may be right about the relationship, honey. His anger levels are pretty toxic. He's cancelled on me today because he's fed up because his son has an ear infection...? I don't even know what he means by that...

Posted on:
Sun, 11/02/2018 - 21:49

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

hiya :-)

Finding joy in the simple things, eh? Brilliant.

His son is 16, almost 17. He only stays with him 3 nights a week, so, no, not likely to be exhausted by that. He's angry with his son, for some reason. It doesn't take much. He has crazy OTT rules for his son. Most people with teenagers say "don't slam doors or play your music loud at night" His 16 year old has to ask if he can have a bath or shower, at night. He has to ask permission! Why? Because it would mean he was walking around the house and this might disturb his Dad! I mean, goodness knows what happens if the poor boy wants to go to the toilet! He is starting to look like a real control freak.

Anyway, sorry for rant on your diary! 

Hope you have a peaceful evening

F x

Posted on:
Mon, 12/02/2018 - 20:22

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Awww, yeah, you pay loads of interest in the first couple of years of your mortgage. It starts evening out a bit after that :-)

Posted on:
Wed, 14/02/2018 - 11:03

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Sounds a bit unfair of him to guilt you for not going home for longer. I'd feel a bit angry about that.

See, sometimes people we love are a bit unfair or unreasonable. We get to love them and feel valid anger toward them, too. Doesn't matter if they mean to, or not. We can have our feelings anyway. AND they are always valid.

My mother wouldn't be happy unless I catered to her every whim and desire. I decided that since I don't even like her, I might as well save wasting my energy that wouldn't be enough anyway. Sometimes, to make someone else happy it comes at the expense of our own happiness. That's not a price I'm willing to pay.

You're doing a lot for your parents. I'm sorry they can't see that.

You are enough.

F x

Posted on:
Wed, 14/02/2018 - 11:15

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

You just keep using your diary to unload those thoughts and frustrations, I do the same, I have nobody to talk to so I use my diary to say what is going through my head. We are all fighters and no doubt you will have a better day today. 

Take care Wilsy 

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 10:34

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Your doing great S&B and always find time to share your wisdom and love with others on the diaries.

Sorry you and lil girl are a little poorly. Fresh air and exercise is the best cure for that.

Have a nice day little angel.

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 12:18

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Congratuations for over 100 days on gambling free! How's your life without gambling?

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 13:48

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Thank you for your kind words on my thread. You are right. I need to set goals to keep me occupied. Last relapse happened because after all those saving, I didn't know what to do with my money. Eventually, I got bored and gambled away, which made things much worse. I am determined to move on and not to beat myself up about the money I just lost but I still think about it from time to time. The other thing is people around me outside don't know what I am dealing with so I have to be a lone warrior to fight this battle. However, if I have to take the loss on a different view, I spent all 13k on an expensive vacation, which also gave me an expensive life lesson for my whole life 'NEVER GAMBLE.' 

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 13:57

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Glad you are feeling positive, despite the pressures on you! 

You'll be back home before you know it :-)

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 16:14

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Lol.. 

Honestly, my life had been a bit drab lately. So gambling had its way to sneak in when I put my guard down for a moment. 

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 16:21

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Yeah those horrible days that gambling left with me too. I am now very reluctant and guilty spending on anything. I even canceled the recent vacation. 

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 21:02

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

You got this, Sandra! 

F x

Posted on:
Fri, 16/02/2018 - 00:57

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thank you for posting on my diary S&B. Such lovely words which brought joy to my heart and a smile to my face. I will most certainly take it on board and go forward with "buckets of belief" and "an ocean full of dreams."

Hope friday is a good day for you and the little one.  X 

Posted on:
Fri, 16/02/2018 - 10:53

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Morning S&B

well done for not gambling and for contacting the GC agents, let me know when the chats start and maybe I'll join you.

I am too a nervous ball at the moment and have also too many thoughts running through my head but we at least both realise we need to remain focussed and we will because we are fighters.

My alternative was to always gamble when life became tough, in fact these last 107 days i haven't turned to it and have chosen to watch a film or play a computer game, I guess our brains are gradually returning to sort of normal and each day we are becoming stronger people by not gambling. 

Accepting what you can't change is important but very hard, i personally don't think we'll ever be able to accept fully what we have lost because of gambling, we just have to try and live with it and put it to the back of our minds. We don't need money we are rich because we have family, friends, health and we have the chance to breathe each day and enjoy all four seasons even though this winter has been **** and depressing, Spring is around the corner, my favourite time of year

You and I are very lonely but yes look how far we have come, we are warriors and we will just grind each day out.

Be kind to yourself, you are worth it

Wilsy xx

 

Posted on:
Sun, 18/02/2018 - 21:59

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hello S_J_B,

We see that you're editing a lot of your posts.  If you'd like some immediate support today you're welcome to call us on 0808 8020 133 or our netline if you prefer.

If something has happened on the forum that you'd like to communicate with an admin about, you could email us [email protected]

Take care,

Forum admin.

 

Posted on:
Mon, 19/02/2018 - 01:52

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello Sandra. I trust you will keep posting on your diary, your a valued and well respected member of our community and we need you here alongside us.

Hope your slip-up wasn't too damaging financially or emotionally. These things happen unfortunately but we salvage what we can and resume the fight when we are willing and able.

Take care...stephen x 

 

 

Posted on:
Mon, 19/02/2018 - 08:52

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Go to meetings, Sandra. You ARE worth it.

CW

Posted on:
Mon, 19/02/2018 - 08:58

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Morning Sandra,

just checking in to see that you are okay and I am sending you all the courage and strength to get you through this week.

Take care of yourself, like CW said you and all of us are worth so much more

Wilsy

Posted on:
Mon, 19/02/2018 - 12:09

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hey Sandra, hope you're ok? Don't be alone. As you said to me 'I wish I could fix your broken heart'. 

Posted on:
Wed, 21/02/2018 - 21:24

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

hey SBV

I've only skim read but saw your last update...  any goals regarding the gambling?

No gambling Thursday?

Posted on:
Wed, 21/02/2018 - 23:23

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

How much pain do you have to be in be before going to meetings?????

I don’t like CoDA, GamAnon is a softer option but it’s CoDA that’s changing the codependency.

Do something constructive for you? 

CW

Posted on:
Wed, 21/02/2018 - 23:51

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Sweet dreams Sandra.

A nice melodious song which will inspire and bring comfort as you venture off to the land of dreams.

Sigma feat Labrinth ~ Higher

On reflection it might be more suitable for running through the park with lil girl.

 

Posted on:
Thu, 22/02/2018 - 00:34

[email protected]

Joined:
2014-12-31

The name change is just wrong Sandra. Stop it. Its cruel & vicious

Posted on:
Thu, 22/02/2018 - 01:25

[email protected]

Joined:
2014-12-31

No need to make things clear, you know whos initials they are, its low. You also know where i am if you want to try & justify it

Posted on:
Thu, 22/02/2018 - 06:39

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

SB28 - stay strong then, first target was no gambling today - update us later and confirm that you#ve managed it

think you mentioned a big day today so best wishes with whatever that is

stay strong, today make good choices

Posted on:
Thu, 22/02/2018 - 10:58

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Morning SB28

thanks for posting to me, I really appreciated it and I wanted to catch up with you this morning.

I believe (well for me) that blocks aren't always the answer, I have had blocks before but when my mind has decided that I want to gamble, I will go to all lengths to gamble, I will drive miles. I have no blocks, I have gambled for 25 years, I have relapsed over and over again with blocks and without blocks, I have only done over 100 days 3-4 times in my life. For me if I can achieve almost a year without gambling but maybe relapse for a day, then that is a success and I am a winner, I suppose relapses are really only bad if they go on for weeks and months, you only had a short relapse and here you are posting your thoughts again and you are still trying so be very proud of yourself, I am proud of you for being an honest person who just wants to feel normal.

Yes today is a brand new day, just try be the best person you can, be kind to those that love and support you and you'll hopefully feel no interest in gambling, just for today.

All the best 

Wilsy

Posted on:
Fri, 23/02/2018 - 15:26

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

That's it breathe my friend, it will finally be over soon if not now, try relax and take your mind off things. Sending you big hugs and support

Wilsy 

Posted on:
Sat, 24/02/2018 - 08:18

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thank you for posting on my diary Sandra. Hope you have a lovely weekend.

It's a nice sunny day and quite brisk. I'm guessing you'll be off to the park at some point, to let lil girl run free and soak up the great outdoors. 

It must be sad for those who are confined to barracks due to ill health. With a relaxed body and a calm mind one can find pleasure in the simplest of ways. We can feel exhilarated just by getting out, enjoying a stroll and breathing in the sweet fragrance of mother nature.

Take care...stephen x 

Posted on:
Sat, 24/02/2018 - 09:04

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hi Sandra thank you for your post on my diary so glad to see your gf days clocking up, we can do this! Best wishes X

Posted on:
Sat, 24/02/2018 - 14:06

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi Sandra, little miss (not so) wildchild here!
Sounds like you've been walking down a right rocky path. Sorry I haven't been there to help pick you up but I see others have been supporting you along the way.
As you say . . . breathe. . . we have been through these days before. There's no denying they are difficult but we know with each passing day we start to feel a little bit better.
The serenity prayer - go with it. It gives hope, where we feel we have none and courage when we feel it has all gone. I hope someone is listening and sends you the strength and courage that you need at this moment.
Big hugs x

Posted on:
Sun, 25/02/2018 - 00:58

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

I say Amen to that x

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