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Posted on:
Tue, 12/09/2017 - 08:09

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi S....

What an awful addiction this is

Am thinking about you...

Come back when your ready

take care.

 

Posted on:
Thu, 14/09/2017 - 14:22

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

It's Life " S " whatever you may feel , it's not alway's bright light's and Champagne but when it's good it's alright girl :)) . 

Good times / Bad times come and go but your still out there fighting in your corner , I work for myself and like yourself want to shout and sream at people sometimes so your not alone in that either .

Daily life's a bit like that 10 k you have your eye on , you begin at the start hoping  you'll get to the end in reasonable shape , sometimes it's a bit of a struggle but on other day's/ races everything goes to plan and it turns out to be just a stroll in the park :)) .

Dust your trainers off S nad give that Dog of your's a pat from me :))

Take care Hun xx  

Posted on:
Fri, 15/09/2017 - 08:36

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hiya.. hope you enjoy your 10km. I'd love to start doing running events again. I can't do the Brum half or the great south run this year because I can't afford the entrance or the train fares. A direct consequnce of my gambling. Anyway do a good time, your fit and healthy :-)... S.A x

Posted on:
Sun, 17/09/2017 - 21:31

Mixer

Joined:
2016-12-03

Hey there SJB

I'm sorry to hear the ol' black dog has paid you a visit  .. I guess looking back isn't always helpful. Easy said I know, but: look back but don't stare is one of my favourite quotes I've heard. It stops me dwelling on the past, stuff either within our control, and often not.

Easy said I know :)

I wish you a peaceful evening and the same for the week ahead.

 

Posted on:
Mon, 18/09/2017 - 01:22

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Been having a catch up on your diary.

Lots of strong emotions coming up from childhood pictures, huh? How does your inner child feel? Is this where the strong emotions are coming from?

Take care,

F x

PS - I think not beating yourself up, is progress, personally. What do you think?

Posted on:
Wed, 27/09/2017 - 12:07

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

letting go has never been a "one day thing" for me either.. try 12000 days.

...glad that you and your four legged friend are getting along well.

Take care.. S.A :-)

Posted on:
Wed, 27/09/2017 - 18:32

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Hey, my dear. Yes, abuse eh? Sick. He's gone. Permanently.

I was so happy right before I met him. Cannot believe how much my positive energy has dropped. Truly believe these people can kill, if you let them.

Such a pure love for an animal. Unconditional. Just enjoy it. Be present, thinking of the future is not for you, right now. Well, thinking of what you wish for, is. Focus on what you desire, not what you fear. It's OK. You are safe, if you let yourself be.

F x

Posted on:
Sat, 30/09/2017 - 09:10

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Take your time. Remember inner child. Meet her, and love her, first.

Love,

F x

Posted on:
Sat, 30/09/2017 - 15:03

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

Miss S

For as much tragedy and pain there is in the world there are equal amounts of good and joy... seek those out today.

Have a great gamble free, drink free day... just for today.

Cathyx

Posted on:
Sat, 30/09/2017 - 17:01

Glint

Joined:
2016-01-08

Very easy for us to lose count of all our blessings.

Get how you feel Sandra. Much how I've felt for many years. Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do. If you're struggling - keep trying.

It was about ten years ago I committed my last deplorable act. Homeless from gambling, did what I could to survive to quickly get myself off the streets. Got away with everything. No punishment.

Well...there's a Swedish proverb: "It is the crime that causes the shame, and not the punishment."

It's human to make mistakes Sandra. Punishing yourself isn't going to help you with the pain, hurt and shame (in my case).

It's going to be very difficult to allow the good you deserve into your life if you put up a wall of worthlessness that will block it all. Happiness will be attained after you start believing/knowing you are worth it.

You need to break the wall, first the code...

2W Be Ce

2W = Two words

Now, the other two words of the code (Be Ce) would of been almost impossible to break because unintentionally it might not accurately translate. The two important words are in Italian, which I always think I can speak a lot better than I can - which once again hasn't ended well for me.

At least this time my company didn't lose an important contract in the European market because of it.

Be = B_ _e = Bene

The code is the first and last letter of the word in my interpretation of Italian. This possibly should of been 'Bn' for 'Buon', although I'm not sure what I'm trying to say translates.

I probably should of checked.

I'm using bene to mean 'good'.

My overriding observation from your posts Sandra is that you have a good...

Ce = C_ _ _e = I'm going to let you figure out the last word of the code because I know you have it in you Sandra d;-)

Posted on:
Wed, 04/10/2017 - 21:40

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thoughts are with you

Hugs ((((( ))))

Posted on:
Sat, 07/10/2017 - 20:18

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Oh, S :-( 

I'm so sorry. I understand how bleak things can feel. Please connect with us or someone face to face.

You can get through this, with support.

F x

Posted on:
Mon, 16/10/2017 - 00:08

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

Thinking of you my dear (((S))) I hope you aren't too lost in addiction. As Freda says you can get through this with support. You really can in spite of what addiction tells you.

Cathyx

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 15:28

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Hello diary,

I didn't think of that! I can still post here but only under different user name.

Thank you Cathy for your kind words and a hug. Really appreciated as I'm going through something difficult recently

Prayed a lot today. Am stunned to realise that world is slightly calmer place when you connect with your spirit.

Time to face one of the demons. Not sure of the outcome but am gonna get over initial guilt/ embarrassment of letting the team down.

Love to all.

S x

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 20:47

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Feels like calm before the storm. Everyone seems extremely nice to me today which makes me feel even more at breaking point. (Wanting to cry).

Have been silently praying a lot. Before I know I will become a nun at this rate...might as well start using relaxation room on my breaks for prayer and meditation.

Challenge to go bk in has been completed. Next - no stops at services for booze. I know I can do it...i really started to want to sort myself out...but lil steps...little steps.

Posted on:
Tue, 07/11/2017 - 11:07

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Hello diary,

Not great night's sleep but at least clear head to wake up with.

Had many thoughts about life in general before sleeps. I am so proud of my dad is one of them. He had (still has) horrible virus and can't even speak properly, knocked down with a flu, headaches and massively high temperature. Guess what? Marching on like a true soldier, doing 24hrs shifts and keeps pushing on. & here is me...cloud of depression and I stop going work, gamble my life away and burry my head in a sand. Shameful for sure :-(

Many thoughts of what's laying ahead but I guess I will have the opportunity to figure it out with the counselling.

For now - no gambling or drink, keep attending work, eating, walking and sleeping are priorities. I shall take that. God is here with me.

Stay safe all xx

Posted on:
Tue, 07/11/2017 - 15:35

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Some motivation for this dull day...however...ready to rock & roll again!

Thank each & everyone of you for coming in my life...even if didn't stop by for too long ☺

Bless your souls!

https://youtu.be/zyQ5ZSMENF0

Posted on:
Tue, 07/11/2017 - 21:03

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Sorted counselling out and shall begin sessions next week. Feeling nervous..more than before :-/

Not sure how I can help myself. In my previous sessions I talked about the past mainly... don't really want to go bk there again. Don't feel it being the major factor in my behaviour now.. I moved on from those days.
Would like to learn to live life and learn to like myself. Would like to talk about here, now and maybe tommorow...would like to understand why I feel I need "motherly"/"sistery" figures in my life...im not a kid after all..im 32 grown up woman capable of my own decisions and looking after myself. Shouldn't want someone to lean on/ look after me..

...damn....it is connected isn't it?...

F****k.....

All the worries aside I have one tiny positive (or is it positive haha)....i have never ever ever been closer to my sister than I have been last 6 months..we talk on a phone daily! :-0
I'm still not trusting her with my life & prefer to listen to her whinging and she is doing my head In being loop y now & again, but my big Sis will always be my big Sis.. none of us are perfect...none of us will ever be.

Over & out

God bless

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 11:35

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Hi diary,..

Thoughts today - breaking the cycle.

I just had admit to myself and couple of people that I repeat the same behaviour as before. Feeling down/ lonely - push people away. Exactly the same behaviour going on for ages and ages. Definitely need to touch on it on my sessions and figure out how to stop hurting myself and others in this process.

Tried to email couple of people. Oh my...what a struggle! I didn't write email for a long time & I used to think writing letters is difficult. ..i used to type book long emails before and now struggled to connect few sentences together. I have too much on my mind and struggle to put it down.
I leave it there as haven't got much to add to this change.

Been slapped heavily by the bank. Came out of nowhere and interest charges plus late payment fee just landed on top of my credit. WOW..what a mess I got myself into.

Sun is up. Walk complete...coffee and maybe some meditation before work.

No gambling..stay safe all

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 13:10

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

I really want to cry. I looked at my finances and no way i can survive till pay day. Praying that vets won't ask more than £250 for lil girl on friday. My last cash.. last money and it has been put aside for my angel.
I am fine, I can go with bread only for two weeks but I need to feed litle one. Petrol for two weeks. .it's unmanageable.

I gambled my life away. Absolutely destroyed myslef and not only myself.

There is always first for everything...and my first for actually not being able to keep plates turning is here.

What have I done?!
I don't know how to go forwards..

Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 01:23

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Still a bit bahh.

The realisation of facts sunk in after I gave my body and mind some rehab from "using" this week.
Can't shake wondering what will happen when I start feeling better? Will "bravado" prevail again? :-/

But...for today...no more tears..just some sleep and face tommorow with fighting spirit again.

Love & peace from me & B

S c

Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 14:07

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Hi diary,

Had wayyy better sleep last night but struggled to get up.

Feeling so so. A bit sad but this shall pass as long as I don't make things worse by gambling/ drink. I really ended up in a gutter this year. I have never ever experienced such pain, guilt and continued grieving for such connection I had.. just praying it will start easing off and I struggle to move on still...

My 2 emails trying to make amends with two guardian angels I had in my life has gone unanswered. Hopefully another lesson I shall take on board:
- people are not toys and you cannot throw them out of your life when feel like it expecting them to let you bko in their lives again.
Maybe I needed more lesson than one..i am definitely slow learner when comes to life.

All in all. I am here..still plodding along. Last day at work and 5 days off. 5 days to take care of my gorgeous little girl.

Stay safe all..things can only can better if we let them to be.

S & B xx

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 10:41

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

So back home alone. OMG...how lonely & quiet this feels! I'm moaning about being lonely but fail to see how much my little girl gives me. The love I have for her is beyond words!

Only few hours shut eye but little miracle happened on chat yeaterday. Words has a power like nothing else! It can break you but also make you!! THANK you so so much (you know who you are if read this) For a simple words " love yourself and believe in yourself". My face has lit up for the rest of the shift yesterday and when i mean lit up....its like a sunrise ☺... thanks again! Something what I needed to hear for sure!

Thinking about my attachments. And now since I see clearly, I realise how clingy I am. Friendship over - kaput, finito, pabaiga ....move on Sandra, there is nothing left to pick up from. People don't want you for a reason and the reason is YOU.
I have always clung to my Mum's skirt when was little..been pushed away but I never gave up.

Maybe that's my mistake now. I don't give up. ....lol....but there are things in life where you have to let go.
I truly hope my new understanding of situation will aid in my journey ahead. ..

No gambling nor drink for a week.
Missing my lil babs already....counting the minutes down until we will be reunited again.

Stay safe all...appreciate what you have because you never know when you can lose it.

S&B xx

Posted on:
Sun, 12/11/2017 - 11:09

Gem1209

Joined:
2017-08-14

Hi Sandra.

Keep this momentum going its good to see happy posts coming from you. 

I’m glad my words in chat gave you a little lift that means as much to me as it did you.

I’ve spoken with people like us for years and the one thing that holds people back is fear. A fear of how great they will become without addiction.  Who will I be if I don’t have the label addict? 

How does one grow if they give their self a label?

Labels are for clothes.

The only label you need is.... I’m human.

Humans continue to make a mistake until they learn.

You mentioned that you’ve already tried everything. 

This may be the case but have you tried them the right way? Have you given each thing you’ve tried the right amount of time and effort before you’ve dismissed them?

From previous posts you’ve asked for forgiveness. But never forgiven yourself and that is where it all starts.

You have to forgive yourself for everything you’ve done. Let go of the past that obviously holds you back. 

Here’s what I suggest whilst walking your dog (who is cute as by the way). If you come across a pond pick up a rock put all your problems and negative energy in the rock name it what you want and launch it as far as you can. And never let its negativity return.

Addiction without you has no power. It all starts and ends with you.  You have the power inside to say no .  I won’t let this addiction stop me from being who I want to and should be. 

It’s a human right to have happiness in your life.

Imagine I’m across an old bridge the bridge doesn’t look like it will hold much weight. But I’ve walked that bridge and I know it will hold.

All you have to do is put trust in another person that what they say is true.  Fear will keep you on one side of the bridge. Belief will help you cross to my side.

From my side you can see addiction for what it really is.

Powerless....

If you Sandra can’t love yourself then how do you expect to receive love from someone else?

The worlds a beautiful place and you deserve to be in it . You just need to look past all the bad stuff that’s holding you back.

I think the new diary was a good idea as this one represents the old you so to grow you needed a fresh start.........

Here’s to the future.

And remember love yourself like you would expect love from another 

Posted on:
Sun, 12/11/2017 - 22:24

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

:) :) :)

Cathyx

Posted on:
Wed, 15/11/2017 - 12:23

TheFlagg

Joined:
2017-11-13

Hey Sandra,

It was lovely to read your post. Bitter sweet in many ways. Great you are still here but having a read of your recent posts it seems our waters are murky.  

It's always worth remembering we are far from alone in this world. Whether that comfort and protection comes from a partner, family, friends, pets, strangers, a diary, a forum, or even professionals the fact is we don't have to do this alone. No matter how many times we feel we need to or even want to.

I owe so many words of thanks but within hours of returning here 3 very familiar names popped up on my diary. For that I am truly thankful and I vow to stand by their side like they have mine. 

You are not alone, you can do this, I will be watching and supporting your progress each day.

Flagg

Posted on:
Sat, 18/11/2017 - 23:58

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Sorry to hear of your distress. I'll say a little prayer for you both tonight.. take care x

Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 06:07

Glint

Joined:
2016-01-08

Did have a final post in mind to tie up my previous posts on here. In the time you took away from the forum it has slipped my mind a little.

Instead I will summarize and get to the point. To your credit Sandra you have and continue to seek help. I wanted to bring something different that might be of some use to you.

This didn't go well.

You write "I am a mess emotionally." Dealing with your emotions better was what I was thinking might help you.

Pleased to read you are having counselling and I wish you well with that.

On a similar line, not particularly practical because there doesn't seem to be many of these therapists in the UK and many tend to focus more on couples.

Emotionally Focused Therapy:

https://youtu.be/WN9qGzazBVI

Probably not much use, thought I would post my findings just incase they can trigger something that might help.

The code you broke was a metaphor that sometimes it can seem impossible but with a little bit of help you can make a breakthrough. The delay to encourage introspection. I'm thinking there might of been a third hidden meaning to my posts.

Sorry to read about your dog. I have been in some awful situations in my life but that feeling of not being able to help an animal in peril is a uniquely difficult one.

Wishing you both well.

Even if it doesn't feel like it you are doing well dealing with a lot at once Sandra.

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 15:35

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Thanks for your support on my diary and I am pleased you are feeling more positive. Keep up with the counselling sessions and do whatever you can for your little girl.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 18:00

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Hiya S :-)

Glad you are feeling positive. Counselling certainly helps. To be able to blurt it all out, without having to do anything in return. 

Life seems very hard for many people atm. Sometimes you aren't doing bad, it just really is hard, if that makes sense?

Still haven't caught up on diaries. Just feel knackered!

Take care,

F x

Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 14:59

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hi S_J_B

I'm so sorry to hear that and I hope your mum will make a quick recovery.

Stay strong.

You'll be in our thoughts here.

Best wishes

Forum admin

Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 15:59

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

Prayers with you and your mom (((S)))

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 02:06

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Huge heart hugs from me (((((((S)))))))

I don't know why but I just want to remind you to connect with your breathing while you are going through this. Breathe as deeply and slowly as you can. It will support your body to process the intense emotions. I think I imagine you feeling winded and heavy in your lungs. 

You are strong enough. I promise.

Posted on:
Fri, 24/11/2017 - 15:20

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Sandra my daughter loves jess plays it loud and sings along! Thanks for you post. Support is heartwarming. I've just read about your mum, I hope she's ok and getting better. We all think they live forever! Keep strong.

Posted on:
Sat, 25/11/2017 - 18:51

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thank you so much S.J.B., your support and good advice really helped as I came to terms with my stupid gambling blip.

So sorry to read of your mothers ill health. It is very sad when our loved ones are poorly, it makes us feel helpless. I hope the angels gather round and bring comfort to you and your parents. 

Thankyou for the songs you recommended, really enjoyed the music and the lyrics really hit home with me.

Take care. Stephen. 

Posted on:
Sun, 26/11/2017 - 19:07

Nonchaser

Joined:
2016-11-25

I was thinking of losing myself in music as struggling with thoughts also... Don't do it, this time of year it would be devastating, then worry about January next month..one day at a time

Posted on:
Thu, 30/11/2017 - 10:37

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi SJB, I feel like that sometimes. Emotion overtakes when you revisit. Hope you're ok. 

Posted on:
Sat, 02/12/2017 - 15:40

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

You are strong and you are doing great.

Have a great gamble free/drink free weekend dear S :)

Cathyx

Posted on:
Mon, 04/12/2017 - 09:04

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Thanks for your continued support and I am pleased you are also doing well and remaining focused. Let's have a good Christmas this year!

Wilsy

Posted on:
Mon, 04/12/2017 - 12:50

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Great to see you finding some times of peace and contentment.

One day at a time, my dear!

F x

Posted on:
Mon, 04/12/2017 - 18:48

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Definitely take good care of you. Don’t work too hard now your not gambling there will be more money for you, wish you all the best with the debts too. Look forward to that break in May we all need something to look forward to don’t we. I plan far ahead too lol can’t help it. But learning too to take one day at a time. Thanks for your messages on my diary SJB they are a great boost for me x

Posted on:
Wed, 06/12/2017 - 00:54

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Oh, S (((((SJB)))))

Those certainly are huge things to try and cover in just a few sessions. Hope you do find a counsellor you can go deeper with.

What a strong woman you are! Do you think you find it hard to trust people in general, since a young age? I wonder if this is linked to isolating yourself at times. I know that's why I isolate. It's safer for me. Well, that's what my mind thinks.

I was also filled with joy to see so many happy dogs in the snow, recently. I never realised how much dogs love it! I thought they would hate it because of the cold and wet feeling.

Keep posting, and be gentle with yourself while you are sick.

F x

Posted on:
Wed, 06/12/2017 - 16:05

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Oh SJB I’m here if you want to talk I completely understand where your coming from. Is it bad anxiety? Sending you all my best wishes Hun take good care of yourself X

Posted on:
Wed, 06/12/2017 - 16:09

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Going to read your diary properly Hun and hopefully I can support you too X

Posted on:
Wed, 06/12/2017 - 23:33

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

So much pain and anguish between every line SJB.
Yes, we all have choices but we don't always have the maturity, knowledge, experience and understanding to realise whether the 'choices' we are making are the right ones.
I'm sorry, I maybe should not comment because I have no expertise in this area but what I'm trying to say is please take care of yourself. Stop beating yourself up at every turn. You and your wellbeing are massively important. All good wishes xx

Posted on:
Thu, 07/12/2017 - 16:15

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

(((SJB))) my dear, the age of consent is there for a good reason. You cannot possibly make a 'choice' in this way as a child. Even if it continued into adulthood - these people are very manipulative and know how to get you bonded to them.

An adult saw vulnerability in you and chose to exploit this and abuse. None of the responsibility is yours.

When I was emotionally abused earlier this year, I felt a little bit ashamed and honestly couldn't tell you why. That's what abuse does to people. This was very mild abuse, in my case - and I was an adult. So, I can't claim to understand how much more intense the feelings might be for you but I can relate to the automatic feeling of shame, even though logically you know you aren't at fault.

This is all bound to be very triggering and distressing for you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. One thing I know for certain is, the rage you experience at times, is 110% textbook normal. For sure.

Sending lots of love to you,

F x

Posted on:
Fri, 08/12/2017 - 21:40

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hi S_J_B,

it sounds like the counselling has brought up some challenging memories and experiences for you. Sometimes it is difficult to tuck these away neatly after the counselling session. I would recommend that you have a look at this website, see if you can get some trageted support as a survivor: http://thesurvivorstrust.org/

And I would recommend you start using that chrochet kit. Remember - it is just for fun, it doesn't matter if it is any good to start with. 

Keep posting, and remember, you are welcome to call the Helpline or the Netline any time. We are here to support you.

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Posted on:
Fri, 08/12/2017 - 22:50

Gem1209

Joined:
2017-08-14

Hi Sandra 

A compulsion to gamble will come to you in many forms. Note able bringing up past memories to make you feel worthless. These are the times you have to stay strong and believe.

Don’t let the devil convince you otherwise. 

The storm will pass 

Posted on:
Sat, 09/12/2017 - 12:23

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Allow yourself the rage when it comes. It will leave once felt and expressed.

There may be a lot of it. I'm so sorry the feelings are so intense. Be compassionate toward yourself, S. The rage belongs to the young, you. You the child, who feels fury about what she has experienced. Understandably so.

Deep breaths. Hope four-legged friend is feeling better, too.

F x

Posted on:
Sat, 09/12/2017 - 14:50

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

(((S)))

Freda always has such great advice for you... listen to her.

Use every single piece of help/support you can... therapy/GA/AA/Sponsor/forums/gamcare. Your addiction is a symptom but also a very manipulative and persuasive enemy. You need as much support as you can get to help make your way through and safely to the other side.

Keep moving forward dear S.

Peace & Love

Cathy

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