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Posted on:
Tue, 27/06/2017 - 08:50

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Hi, Sandra,

Just read your post about codependents. Ouch!!!! But true.

Take care,

CW

 

Posted on:
Tue, 04/07/2017 - 12:27

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Sit with these feeling, honey. They will pass. Promise x x

Posted on:
Sun, 09/07/2017 - 21:17

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Hey sandra.

You know the mantra 

I cannot win because I cannot stop. 

It is the eventual outcome of any episode of gambling, even winning is a temporary format, addiction will just demand feeding  more until the winnings become chased losses. 

I hope today you have found safety through abstinence. 

It is the way for us to turn that mantra upon it's head.

Look after yourself. 

Abstain and maintain 

Duncs

Posted on:
Mon, 10/07/2017 - 11:07

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Well done for resisting chasing urges. Be proud!

F x

Posted on:
Mon, 10/07/2017 - 12:05

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi... as you suggest the gambling head will tell us anything to keep us gambling. I become very ill when gambling. I become very well when i stop. Its as simple as that.

Thoughts are with you... :-) x

Posted on:
Mon, 10/07/2017 - 13:11

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

I am the same. I do the same and then I hate myself for it

You are a gambling addict. I am a gambling addict.

STOP... go for a run

Thoughts are with you

Posted on:
Wed, 12/07/2017 - 12:07

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I love the new title of SA's diary. Be your own best friend ;-)

Hugs,

F x

Posted on:
Wed, 12/07/2017 - 19:51

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hopeful Soul,

Sorry you're struggling just now. Sounds like you want to take a break from the forum ("save your breath guys, it will be a while till I come bk").

Just wanted to say come back when you're ready, but if you can, keep posting, because support from your friends on the forum will really help.

Take care,

Forum Admin. 

Posted on:
Wed, 12/07/2017 - 20:00

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Big hug (((()))) .... you will find your way through just as i will

Posted on:
Thu, 13/07/2017 - 00:06

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I'm not saving my breath - I'm reminding you of what you already know. We all self-sabotage because we are scared of finding out that we can't do it. We are scared of failing. We are scared of doing everything right, in case it doesn't work. If we go out and foo k it all up ourselves, we never have to face our fear. We are scared that without our addictions, compulsions and problems we would have no excuses any more. It isn't really logical but that's how we are wired. 

I think for most people on here, we have at some point been infected with the inferiority virus. We're terrified of people knowing just how rubbish we are. If we don't achieve what we want - or what we think other people want us to achieve, it can be because our addiction held us back. 

It's sad because we are all good enough. It is really hard to believe, though!

Also, we are sometimes, in a roundabout way, avoiding disappointment. We figure "there's no way I can keep succeeding at this, I can't maintain this" so relapsing is just bringing forward the "inevitable". It is familiar and safe to keep going around and around in these circles. We know the drill. It's predictable.

I'm regurgitating all of these unhealthy thought and behaviour problems for a reason - to remind you we all have this tendency. You are not alone. We understand each other on here. We can help each other notice the start of a build up to another trip on the merry-go-round, we can point things out to each other. Learn from each other's mistakes. 

You are in F ook it mode. I know it well. It seems too hard, what's the point?, I can't maintain this etc...

I was in f o ok it mode tonight. I did it with food. Same thing, different apparatus. 

Tonight I was angry that things were the way they are for me. They aren't that bad but, you know, it is constantly a lot of conscious effort to improve things in my life at the moment. I'm tired! My inner child took a tantrum. It's not fair! I don't want it to be this hard! 

I guess the trick is to learn to nurture those inner children. Allow them to express themselves fully - in emotion, rather than behaviour. Encourage them, love them, show compassion for how frustrated, tired and scared they are.

It's not easy, that's for sure. You can guarantee we, on here, understand.

Posted on:
Sat, 15/07/2017 - 16:04

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

".i need to surround me with 3D help."

It's time for action instead of talk :)

Cathyx

Posted on:
Sun, 16/07/2017 - 19:03

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Hi S x x

How come you don't have blocking software? I would be in action if it weren't for mine. We cannot expect ourselves to resist 24/7 as is the hours available to gamble online.

It gives huge peace of mind

F x

Posted on:
Mon, 17/07/2017 - 00:09

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

Good girl on the meeting. Don't allow addiction to even open a conversation if this is what you need etc. It's the medicine that can save you ... take it.:)

Stay strong.

Cathyx

Posted on:
Mon, 17/07/2017 - 16:03

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Thanks for those few kind words, Sandra! He doesn't care for open meetings and wouldn't want me anywhere near any of his, so you're probably safe. I do go to my group's, though...

Hope you're looking after yourself.

CW

 

Posted on:
Tue, 18/07/2017 - 07:14

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Hi, Sandra,

You're quite right in all respects, will post on mine.  Have a good day.

CW

Posted on:
Tue, 18/07/2017 - 13:52

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Still here, cheering you on!

Posted on:
Wed, 19/07/2017 - 08:48

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Hi, Sandra,

Thanks for your post. I agree re the Fellowships that there could be too much of a good thing but focus on one and stay with it? For me re the codependency groups, I'm on to it because I also found myself becoming tearful and low. As ever, we each have to find our own answers from within.

It works if you work it so work it you're worth it.

Stay safe.

CW

Posted on:
Fri, 21/07/2017 - 09:27

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hiya,

Sorry to hear about the assessment centre. I guess what you might find is that cos you came so close, if others drop out you might find that you get a call.. maybe.

Glad to hear that your heart is smiling... thats a good thing! :-)

Posted on:
Sat, 22/07/2017 - 10:02

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

hi S, 

I would say something made you hold yourself back. If you came so close while being in a terrible place, you can pass next time :-) 

Maybe you thought you didn't deserve it, were afraid of failing so didn't try properly 100%, were afraid if you got it you'd feel you had "extra" money. Who knows what it was? We all seem to have a theme of self-sabotage, though. Myself included.

Sounds like you did amazingly, considering. Just enjoy the future potential that is clearly there.

F x

Posted on:
Mon, 24/07/2017 - 16:22

gav123

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Sandra, wish we could be both in better circumstances- i have have been thru the ringer of back to gambling whilst drinking as heavy as always 6 years wasted to heavy drinking and gambling something i'll never get back , fatherhoof just a blurr, what a self loathing ba stard i've become, the cycyle of relaspe remorse regret repeat, the feelings of dread and hoping i'd not wake up th e next day, being too scared too live and also too scared to die , stuck in limbo, not realing  living or facing life, commiting suicide by installments sure is utter madness.

When i last talked to you , you had a sponsor and started doing working the steps? the last few entries you havent mentioned AA, have u stopped going. im meeting up with AA friend tonight, hope this is start of recovery for me, for the way i feel today, i can no longer go on like this and i've got a heck of a lot making up  to do with my familly and i can do that by staying away from that first drink

Posted on:
Mon, 24/07/2017 - 22:01

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Hey, S xx

Really pleased it went well at GA or was it CoDA? I think this kind of connection is key to recovery. It's not the programme itself, more the genuine understanding you get from other addicts and the connection. We all need connection. Lack of connection causes addiction.

F x

Posted on:
Sun, 30/07/2017 - 09:40

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Nice positive upbeat post thats good.

S.A :-)

Posted on:
Mon, 31/07/2017 - 04:23

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

Sandra

I am so sorry about your mom. I am so sorry about your house. You are right ... It does happen in life :(. That being said -  gambling will never make the pain of any of it disappear. You can't go around it. You have to go through it.

Please call your sponsor (if you still have her) or anybody from your group. Reach out... you don't do this alone.

Cathyx

Posted on:
Tue, 01/08/2017 - 00:08

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

((((((HS)))))))

It hurts so much because you're normal. No-one who isn't running away from their own pain finds earth an easy place to be. Seriously! 

Sorry to hear about your Mum. Massive trigger right there.

I relate to the safe kind of love that can be found with animals. 

F x

Posted on:
Tue, 01/08/2017 - 22:17

Lasttime93

Joined:
2017-07-11

Gambling is the easy way out.. out of boredom... thats why we do it... dont choose the easy way

Posted on:
Wed, 02/08/2017 - 08:39

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

No doubt its all of what you describe that leads you to gamble. As we all know it just allows you to switch off from it all, for a while, whilst in action. Well done for self-excluding. When i exclude I go straight to the 24 hour online chat thing, which most sites seem to have. I just say am an addict, exclude me for 5 years please... and they do, they have to. Sometimes I join just so I can then exclude.

We can overcome our madness. I think we can anyway :-)

Posted on:
Wed, 02/08/2017 - 10:57

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hi hopeful soul,

A very tough time for you. Do keep in mind that you are always welcome to contact the Helpline to talk things through with an advisor. You say that a little communication helps you a lot. We are happy to be there for you.

Kind wishes

Gabriele

 

Posted on:
Wed, 02/08/2017 - 12:32

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Sending love.

What are you avoiding feeling? 

F x

Posted on:
Thu, 03/08/2017 - 13:40

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

It is hard isnt it... very hard. Ive just been replying to someone in the "overcoming problem gambling" section about how hard it is. I genuinely believe that we go through intense withdrawal like a drug addict would. For the first few days after i stopped i was dreaming and fixating on spinning rhino's, pixies and bloody elves!! lol

Yes go out, distract yourself, get wet in the rain, enjoy nature on this FLAT world of ours! ;-)

Happy days.. S.A :-)

Posted on:
Thu, 03/08/2017 - 13:53

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Bless!

You put a smile on my face... here it is  :-)   and thats all that matters lol

Enjoy the rest of your day... NO gambling ok !  :-)

Take care... S.A :-)

Posted on:
Thu, 03/08/2017 - 21:16

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I can imagine how hard it must have been to tell your sister but it is good that someone knows. It is a heavy burden to carry alone. It also means that you can talk to someone about it, in real life.

Sounds like you are making amazing progress. Well done! it is admirable!

F x

Posted on:
Fri, 04/08/2017 - 22:57

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hiya... its **** isn't it.. living this life in addiction. There is always another gambling site unfortunately but well done for self-excluding. The bottom line is you either get some decent blocking software or get rid of your access to the internet. Your addictive head will fight you all the way on this, just as mine will and is.

I think the other bottom line is "human connection" that feels meaningful. Like you suggest, you can have the nice home and lots of material "stuff" but it means very little if there is a lost soul inside lacking meaningful connection with others... thats the conclusion that ive come to anyway.

Ive been supporting others for decades and then i come home and sit in my flat and think, what can i do for myself? I forced myself to go out with my friend this evening and look at some art work.. am soon bored but put a bunch of spinning reels in front of me, I could watch them for days. Its sick isn't it. I am sick.

Keep working at it. things do calm when we stop, it just takes a while thats all.

Hugs... S.A ((((    )))))

Posted on:
Fri, 04/08/2017 - 23:29

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Sandra 

I believe that the compulsion to gamble has a cycle and you are simply living it for real. 

By getting away with it before in the sense that addiction didn't take everything it in my mind has remained dormant waiting patiently for its opportunity, it has taken that now and you face the crossroads. 

I am equally not afraid of death, sometimes I have felt like I am already dead,that I cannot feel anymore pain. 

There is another side, I am finding it, I am finding comfort with the most important person and that is myself. 

I still feel deeply lonely in a room full of people but I feel a comfort within myself. 

Ride the storm my friend there's an end and that doesn't mean the end. 

Please look after yourself, you know where to find me, unconditionally 24/7

Duncs. 

Posted on:
Sat, 05/08/2017 - 23:09

Who am I

Joined:
2017-05-17

Beautiful words.

Life always offers us a second chance, it's called tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day, it's nearly here. I hope tomorrow you begin to find your way. 

Much love. Thinking of you x

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 06/08/2017 - 10:11

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

How come you haven't downloaded blocking software, S? 

Beautiful poetry :-)

F x

Posted on:
Thu, 10/08/2017 - 22:05

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi hopeful soul,
Thanks for your response to my post.
I've just read a few of your recent posts and want to send you a great big hug.
I just wish we could sort out all the crappie awful feelings that can bombard our hearts and minds.
I mean it when I say we are all worthy and deserving of a better life. We just have to realise that and strive to make it happen.
Getting caught up in this addiction means It's sooo not easy but we always have to remember that it's not impossible.
Wishing you strength and happiness to help the sun to shine into your life. xx

Posted on:
Fri, 11/08/2017 - 10:44

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

How come you don't have the software? I can't remember why.

You need it if you want to stop gambling online. It's not realistic to expect our willpower alone to work 24/7. Some of them are free...

Self-excluding isn't effective anymore cos all the betting companies have about 30 different websites and keep releasing more all the time. 

I really don't get this, S. It seems like bending over in front of a hungry tiger and being surprised when it bites you on the bum.

Hope you manage to make your situation safe soon.

F x

Posted on:
Sun, 13/08/2017 - 15:31

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Sandra ! 

I don't know if I should be writing this or not and I'm not sure how your going to take it to be honest but it is meant with the best intentions :)).

" I am what I am " ?  Yes you are Sandra but you can also be " The person you really want to be " as well , there's nothing in the rule book of life that say's " I have to keep taking all the sh1tty stuff that I don't like and all the bad memories that are holding me back , along for the ride " .

Youv'e had some good gamble free periods along the way but the way I read your diary " If there's nothing wrong you'll look for something gto be wrong " and instead of enjoying the good thing's you have you start focusing on the negative's ? . Your happy enough in your house with your lovely dog for company but then dwell on the fact that " Maybe it's not as good as the House that was yor first choice " , Life's like that honey I'm afraid , we don't alway's get what we really want but have to learn to live and enjoy the wonderfull thing's we do have .

You know how this works by now Sandra , you can't find £59 for bet nanny which is maybe going to keep you safe  but you can alway's find money to gamble with right ?

Your a good person Sandra , you just have to allow yourself to believe it and move forward from it because nothing will ever be any different unless you make a difference .

If the only person you have around at the moment is your faithfull companion , who ask's nothing of you except love food and a warm place to sleep then so be it , get out and spend all your time with " B" , some of the most interesting conversations and people I've met have been while out walking my dog for miles and usually when you least expect , in fact how about joining a Doggy walking club in your area ? , there's loads about and you will definately meet some people who all have love of there dogs in common :)) and maybe just maybe that's a simple place to start ? .

Look after yoursef Hun and start working on those changes :)) xx

 

Posted on:
Mon, 14/08/2017 - 09:28

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Yes I am tired of the pain I inflict on myself as well, so very tired...

You are worthy, so am I

Have a good day x

Posted on:
Mon, 14/08/2017 - 22:08

Rhoda

Joined:
2016-12-06

Thank you for the good wishes....I too am trying to get out and about and make friends....sometimes easier said than done.

Posted on:
Thu, 17/08/2017 - 12:58

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

My family are proper dickkkkkks as well and have nothing nice to say. You can set your filter so they don't see your posts. I did it ages ago! It's great! 

I'm hurting a lot too. I think a lot of people are at the moment. Something going on in the cosmos. It's really hard to function. I think ending destructive patterns is hard but it's time to do so.

F x

 

Posted on:
Fri, 18/08/2017 - 18:23

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

You are welcome to give your opinion as long as you're not abusive, S. You weren't, so it's all good with me. Was coming from a good place. We might see sex differently on some levels but I don't have to agree with everything everyone says.

Sorry for the rotten time you are having. I understand what it is like to not feel confident you can always come across as "nice" to others when you are in pain. I have wanted to isolate today as I've been in a bad mood. I'm good at not lashing out, verbally, at shop assistants and so on but give me an informal conversation with a friend and I struggle when angry.

I suppose I quite like the CoDA meeting I went to in this respect. You can be honest, don't have to impress anyone. You can confess your ugly side without getting rejected.

I think a conversation with GP wouldn't hurt. I know mine needs to know I've been struggling more, lately.

How about a gratitude list? Can ease the sting of loss. 

Your behaviour isn't you. It's your pain. Your pain isn't who you are, it's how you hurt.

People may need to move away from your behaviour, but doesn't mean you yourself at your core are unlovable. We just need to find ways to work through our pain so it doesn't control our behaviour. I'm talking to myself here as much as I'm talking to you :-)

F x

Posted on:
Sat, 19/08/2017 - 22:31

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

Sandra

You and my son are mirror images of each other. You both carry so much pain and you are right... you deserve better. There is no clearcut sure fire way out of this other than to keep pushing through it.

My heart breaks for you ... keep using every tool, resource, friend, and support you can get your hands on.

I am glad today is a gamble free day for you!

Cathyx

Posted on:
Sun, 27/08/2017 - 05:14

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

 You had urges, recognised them and rode them out. You can't stop the urges but you have proven to yourself that they don't have to control you. I think that counts as two steps forward and one step back my dear girl!

Cathyx

Posted on:
Mon, 28/08/2017 - 12:12

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Hi, Sandra,

Saw an exchange on another thread about sex and meetings and decided to offer my thoughts, FWIW.

Personally, I don't regard thirteenth stepping as appropriate because the Fellowship members are vulnerable, more so than they would be prepared to admit. And it's entirely possible to use sex as a means to use. Otherwise, sex between two consenting adults is their business and none of mine.

I've been reading up on relationship addiction (older books, Robin Norwood and Pia Mellody) and the business of having healthy relationships with no addiction or co-addiction is not that simple!!! I'm also trying to work on my own codependency. I personally find that the presence of men causes discomfort for me in the CoDA meetings, although I have no qualms about mixed GamAnon meetings. (Just as well because GamAnon is already of limited availability). But somehow the relationship aspect is more personal, I feel more vulnerable even though I'm not young or free or single and therefore I prefer a single sex CoDA group. Might this be an avenue for you to consider? At AA or Al-Anon if relevant or CoDA?

Look after yourself.

CW

Posted on:
Tue, 29/08/2017 - 10:57

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Hey S, took me a while to figure out what was your diary, haha! Doesn't take much to confuse me these days.

Sounds like you are doing really great! Feeling your feelings is always a good sign.

I feel less lonely after starting coda meetings. Get heard without being interrupted. It's nice!

This recovery lark isn't easy but it's worth it :-)

F x

Posted on:
Sun, 03/09/2017 - 21:57

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Great work! You are dealing with these difficult urges so well!

I want to suggest when people find self-love difficult - is it easier to love your inner child? We often naturally have more compassion for children. Just an idea!

F x

Posted on:
Wed, 06/09/2017 - 14:01

Glint

Joined:
2016-01-08

Hello Sandra

Liking the new profile picture!

As you addressed me in another thread I thought the right thing to do would be to acknowledge your post.

I appreciate the post, thank you for your suggestion that I have acted upon. Certainly no disrespect taken from your fair post with sensible advice.

Very difficult to know what to post here (which is what took me so long to get here). I've read your admirably honest posts; some things you write about I can understand, others I have absolutely no idea about.

I struggled to speak for many years. Probably only managed to consistently speak with any fluency for about the last ten years. Still something I need to improve. What I think this has possibly done is given me a heightened sense observation. My neighbour said when I was a child: "Glint doesn't say much but he takes it all in." It stuck with me because it was probably the nicest thing I can remember someone saying to me when I was young. The neighbour was probably just putting his thoughts politely. Strangely seems that though people don't hear words they seem to sense thought from me.

All I can offer here is an observation that has always struck me when reading your posts. A quality that to me stands out.

Not suggesting my observations are always right I must add.

If my observation is welcome I will return and substantiate in a few weeks.

In the meantime in an exercise of self-reflection - possibly because I've gotta get off the GamCare now or I won't have time to water the begonias before work - I would be interested to know if you had any thoughts on what I'm getting from your posts.

To rule out any influence from your potential input, the quality I have (rightly or wrongly) observed I will put in code form which I will break in the next post:

2W Be Ce

Glint

Posted on:
Fri, 08/09/2017 - 21:36

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Hi S,

Sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed at the moment. 

I can relate to the special safety that comes with being loved by an animal. They stay loyal and love you no matter what kind of a state you are in. I love waking up with my cat next to me on the bed. 

I feel a lot of people are experiencing tempestuous times at the moment. Something funny going on in the heavens, I reckon.

You're doing better than you realise,

F x

Posted on:
Mon, 11/09/2017 - 00:12

Glint

Joined:
2016-01-08

Thank you for your warm response Sandra.

Appreciate your kind comments on my writing.

No professional training.

Just saying.

Couple of things to add. My code is (virtually) impossible to break. The point wasn't to set you a puzzle (although not knowing what to post to you I did consider that an option), if I wanted to do that I would of posted you some Sudoku.

And nearly did.

The point was to encourage some introspection. I would like you to think about yourself not my code!

Been doing this myself daily, helps me deal with things better.

I did think knowing your thoughts would be interesting so the code was to tie me to my observation without being influenced by any potential input.

On reflection I think this would work better if you kept your thoughts to yourself for now.

Posting to you would be easier for me if you did break my code. Then my observation would simply be that you are a genius, my advice: join MI5.

Second thing - epic effort on your well-received thread in 'Overcoming'. Must of took a long time to write all that for the benefit of others.

That's cool.

I gotta be honest - I've read more interesting threads but rarely seen more helpful ones. Thank you Sandra.

Shame it seems to have disappeared, can't say I'm surprised. Excellent intent nonetheless Sandra.

Not sure where you stand on the forum now. Either way I know where I stand on my word so unless you lock this thread I'll return with my observation. Not going to be life-changing for you but it will be my very best attempt to post something useful.

I'm very busy with work and start my college course this week so don't expect to be on the GamCare much for the remainder of the month.

For now, please look after yourself Sandra d:-)

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