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Posted on:
Sat, 27/08/2016 - 11:40

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Yes, Triangle, we must always remember the positives too!

Just reread your post, Sandra. I'm so sorry you feel like your anger is evil. That's a really strong word and label to put on yourself. I can relate to a certain extent. The feeling that my anger might not be OK with people, might not be tolerated. I don't think it's evil, though. I just get built up with frustration sometimes. Is frustration evil? I don't think it is. It's suffering. It's pain. 

I'm interested to know what your mate made of it? We are often way harder on ourselves than others are.

F x

Posted on:
Sat, 27/08/2016 - 11:47

leedso

Joined:
2010-02-27

Hope you're doing well and still facing your challenges head on this weekend. Keep up the good work, and the positive aspects will come. We are the only creatures in the world to have been given the capacity for self-doubt .... I'm not sure if this is a positive or a negative aspect of evolution.

Anyhow, hope you have a nice weekend!

xxx

Posted on:
Sat, 03/09/2016 - 12:35

leedso

Joined:
2010-02-27

Hi Sandra,

That is good to hear - you are absolutely right about there being more to life than money, and sometimes a paycut for better working conditions is not a bad thing. You might have gambled away a little, but you are now grasping a much better future for yourself, and taking it back. It is natural to be anxious about such steps, everybody gets stressed when it comes to moving house and changing jobs, just make sure that you deal with it in a way that doesn't involve gambling.

I'm so happy that you are moving on to what will be a better place with a better work/life balance for you, and all of the advantages that you can take from that.

xxx

Posted on:
Sat, 03/09/2016 - 13:42

New day

Joined:
2015-04-05

Good luck with the move. And I'll take the words I accept defeat to gambling and  choose life to help me recover. Best wishes 

Posted on:
Mon, 05/09/2016 - 18:55

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi S , Don't be afraid of change honey , different people different location but still the same activities, Gym's, running areas and voluntry work to do if you so wish ? , our addiction travels with us wherever we lay our Hat but your controling yours just fine S .

It's been a pleasure reading your posts of late , you sound so much more positive in your outlook but the biggest thing is that you sound genuinely happy :))

Keep on moving forward and embrace the change .

Best wishes Alan x

Posted on:
Mon, 05/09/2016 - 19:16

triangle

Joined:
2014-03-14

hopeful soul wrote:
Thank you all Dear diary, Mind is running riot today. Fear of upcoming events me things, changes and so on. Feeling of loneliness is what scares me the most. New town, new job, new faces....no familiar comfort having Sister near by or a friend to talk to. Also am aware that these changes are not gonna "fix" me. I seem to do everything to change my situation so i feel a little better within myself but knowing that it's probably not what i need to get better is quite daunting. Am scared of sitting there by myself...knowing that things can turn either way...me with a glass and laptop in my hand, or me and embraced new life with friends, four legged companion and final peace. Both of these are possible, but i don't know which one will turn out to be. Having urges recently, hence my activity on here. I don't really read a lot but just recently i keep coming back. Maybe i feel i need more support...supporting others has always helped. It's strange feeling, because just last week i had no thoughts of gambling & to be honest hardly logged on here nearly forgetting the challenge too...felt normal? That's strange because i need to keep this site close by..it's a reminder of reality - i am and will always be an addict. Feel so strange it's so nerve wrecking....fear of losing control is taking over. Gambling would***** me up completely, i know that. It is what it is. I cannot run from myself anymore. Part of the job is done. Past is becoming just the past with less flashbacks. Maybe I'm starting to forgive myself and am looking at here and now....tommorow....well, tommorow will still be here. Ok..time to go dear diary. No gambling today...I'm not even sure if it's gambling i want...i guess i just want to.... "not to feel"...again. S x

Nice post hon, thanks for the share on my diary, cheers tri

Posted on:
Tue, 06/09/2016 - 19:32

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I understand the want to 'not feel'. Weirdly, I also think when everything is up in the air, all change and nothing feels predictable - sometimes gambling does feel predictable and comforting in a totally rubbish way. Obviously, it is not the right choice to make but at the time it feels like you know what to expect. You can switch off and just "do it". Lots of other ways to switch off like that: craft projects are always good, sewing, jewellery making, art of any kind. Takes full concentration so you forget everything else. Yoga, running, meditation, maybe a zumba class even? Anything you can get absorbed in and forget the rest of the world. For me, this is sometimes a good book that I can get absorbed in.

I am so proud of you for taking a pay cut to put your wellbeing first. It is very hard to do and shows compassion toward yourself which is a very good sign within recovery, I find :-)

As for being isolated - don't know about your new job but presumably you will meet new colleagues there? Maybe you could look for local groups to meet people? Book clubs, running clubs anything you are interested in where you will meet like-minded people.

It's totally normal to feel so overwhelmed and fear about mortgage is standard too. I don't know anyone who didn't freak out a bit when they bought their first property. There are no guarantees in life, we have to just try our best and see what happens. 

Hope there is a little excitement in the mix there too?

F x

Posted on:
Wed, 07/09/2016 - 23:40

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Sandra , just popping by to thank you for your kind message this morning , it meant a lot to me :))

Stay safe lovely lady and I'll catch up soon 

xx

Posted on:
Thu, 08/09/2016 - 23:25

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Nice post S , Glad youv'e had a great day and I'm glad your looking forward with a little excitement towards your future , little changes can make everything fall in to place so well done you for making it happen .

Have a good night x

Posted on:
Fri, 09/09/2016 - 01:15

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Awwww, just LOVING that happiness beaming out of your post. It felt like sunshine on my face to read it :-)

So happy you are feeling so great about the house now.

High fiiivvvvvveee!!!!!

F x

Posted on:
Fri, 09/09/2016 - 02:15

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

It looked like sunshine too F...I'm just honoured that my lil Sesuo took me along for the ride & so glad you all got to experience the buzz too :-)

Posted on:
Mon, 12/09/2016 - 12:05

LifeBegins

Joined:
2013-03-28

Just having a catch up after being awol for a while. Saw your last post....can you see the huge smile on my face? I'm so, so happy for you. It's amazing how far those little steps can take you. Good on you for doing it lovely. x

Posted on:
Wed, 14/09/2016 - 01:11

Denzil

Joined:
2016-09-02

Hey S :)

​Thanks for your support on my diary. I really do appreciate it.

​Just read your last post... Nice to see things going so well! Hope everything's still super cool and groovy with you!

​Den.

Posted on:
Fri, 16/09/2016 - 08:46

LifeBegins

Joined:
2013-03-28

Thanks Sandra. Always appreciated x

Posted on:
Mon, 19/09/2016 - 10:48

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Hey, S x x

Just checkin in with you. Hope all is well, my dear x x

Posted on:
Mon, 19/09/2016 - 18:46

leedso

Joined:
2010-02-27

Hi Sandra,

Glad to read you are embracing the changes, and adapting to the stresses/pressures that come with it - it won't always be a bed of roses, and I know the rollercoaster of emotions that comes in this recovery. Nothing wrong with focusing on 3d life - that is exactly what we come here to try and fix.

Proud of all the effordt you are putting in, and while you may not see them straight away, proud of the successes you are achieving.

Ryan xxx

Posted on:
Mon, 19/09/2016 - 23:46

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

These feelings are normal and will pass. Ride em ;-)

F x

Posted on:
Tue, 20/09/2016 - 19:07

LifeBegins

Joined:
2013-03-28

 

No need to apologise for feeling low. We don't say sorry when we're happy and sharing the good stuff...what's the difference? They're all just emotions. It's good to get them out rather than let them fester. And if you're going to cry then really go for it. Don't hold back. Have a full on snotty, mascara running ugly cry. They're the best kind.

And as for what I said to V? Don't take any notice of me...what do I know?! :) Listen, there's something in that idea somewhere. Wherever we go we do take ourselves with us, so merely changing location isn't the magic answer. But I think you are (and have been) doing more than just that. You've been looking at your self, making changes, addressing the things that need action. I think you've changed in the time that I've known you on here. So, you won't be taking the old you...the new improved S will be making the move. 

You've got lots of exciting (maybe scary) things going on right now. It's bound to be stressful. Cut yourself some slack and don't be too hard on yourself. I'm wondering if the down days seem worse now that you're experiencing more good days? When it's all blah the ups and downs are more constant...emotions are more level. But now that you're experiencing more good stuff it might make the bad days seem worse? Not sure if that makes sense? 

KOKO my friend. LB x

 

Posted on:
Thu, 22/09/2016 - 18:07

LifeBegins

Joined:
2013-03-28

Thanks for the post. There's never any need to reply (I'm the worst at that, as I'm sure you know).

Listen, It's not for me to tell you that you've changed for the better. If you don't feel it, then that's that. You feel how you feel. I just want to make sure you're not discounting the positives. It's very easy to not see the good stuff. To disount the advances that we've made or to let them be outweighed by the less noble stuff. Yes, you're a grumpy, stroppy ****** at times. But at least you're honest with it. Many people aren't. And as for compassion, well..unless all the posts of support and welcome and encouragement you write to people are all just pure bs then I'm not going with that one either. I think you've made progress because I don't think someone who hadn't would have taken a pay cut for their well being or would be taking the plunge to move. I think you've made progress because some things are really scary and you're feeling that and doing them anyway. Fair enough if you don't feel that way. You know better than me how you are, but you're still here, and still fighting and I believe that in itself says something about you.  

LB x           

Posted on:
Sun, 25/09/2016 - 00:14

Ineffable

Joined:
2015-02-21

Thanks for dropping a note in my diary. You mentioned that it is tough going at the moment so I am even more grateful that you took the time to stop in and say hi - much appreciated :)

Posted on:
Mon, 26/09/2016 - 13:33

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

You are stronger than you will ever know. Lots of love to you at this difficult time. I can relate to not being able to believe that everything will be OK. I think just surrendering to the universe and getting through each day as it comes will stand you in very good stead. Just keep breathing in and out and not gambling. Everything else will take care of itself.

F x

Posted on:
Wed, 28/09/2016 - 21:13

Ineffable

Joined:
2015-02-21

S, you inspire me! - with all that is going on in your life you still take time for others and still hold strong against the false friend Mr Gamble.  Hugs from me :)

 

Posted on:
Thu, 29/09/2016 - 01:26

leedso

Joined:
2010-02-27

Hi Sandra,

I'm glad that you will be finishing those night shifts, I've only done them occasionally during my working life (I did night watchman work....zzzzzz!). Personally I don't think that will be helping, and hope you'll see the benefits that come with regular sleep once you are in the new job. Then again, I'm typing this at nearly 1.30, so no guarantees I suppose.

Well done for supporting your sister too, it isn't easy, but sticking by family even when they are going through tough times is very important, they're the ones that'll still be with you in 30 years time.

Hope you've picked up your mood during the week, thinking of you.

Ryan x

 

Posted on:
Sat, 01/10/2016 - 13:28

leedso

Joined:
2010-02-27

Thanks for popping by my diary,

Good to hear from you, and I hope you have a fabulous day at the beach today. Sounds like a great way to recharge the batteries!

Tiredness is dangerous when you're traveling, especially if you do it a lot. Luckily I only have a short 10 minute drive to work, so I don't often have longer drives, but when I do I find that having a good CD to sing along to (for me it's Bon Jovi, Green Day, Frank Turner or Les Mis) and the windows open helps. It does mean that people get to hear me singing badly, but there's worse things in the world!

Keep staying positive and fighting through the bumps in the road, and when it comes to settling in to a new workplace, it'll take time but you'll get there.

Have a good weekend! xxx
 

Posted on:
Sun, 02/10/2016 - 03:10

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

Smart girl Sandra... know thyself!! 

Posted on:
Sun, 02/10/2016 - 16:22

Charley1

Joined:
2016-09-11

Hey sorry to hear you're having a bit of a tough time at the moment. But keep in mind that it really isn't forever. Awful you're having to o something you really aren't comfortable with, but try and stay strong and sure things, the future will start to look brighter soon. I spent last night reading stories online of people who have financially hit rock and bottom, wow great stories and amazing determination of those who got out  of the life they hated and became happy again. Truly inspiring, think reading those is what has given me such strength this weekend. Good luck, stay strong. Keep writing on here, what ever is in your head, it's better than keeping it locked up in your head. Take Care. Cx 

Posted on:
Sun, 02/10/2016 - 17:59

LifeBegins

Joined:
2013-03-28

It's a bit risky going near the arcades to see where you're at with your gambling. It's great that you were able to walk on by, but why take the risk? Especially when you know you've got a lot on your plate at the moment. What is it that CW says? If you want to stay dry, keep away from wet places (or something like that). And of course all these feelings relate to your gambling. It might be tempting to use the false friend Mr. G to see you through this difficult patch. But you're wise enough to know it'll only make you feel so much worse. You've so much going on at the moment...the worry of your sister, a new job, changes to where you live...that's a lot for any of us. Keep digging deep. You absolutely have it in you to get through this. 

LB x

Posted on:
Sun, 02/10/2016 - 18:13

LifeBegins

Joined:
2013-03-28

On a practical level, I had a thought about the shared house. If you're talking short term would it be possible to stay in a cheap hotel/ B&B rather than have the stress of a shared house? They'd probably offer you special rates for a long stay.  I'm all for facing your demons but sometimes you have to pick your battles and make life easy for yourself x

Posted on:
Tue, 04/10/2016 - 03:00

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

Hi Sandra... Thanks for your post and support:)I reply mainly in the late evening as I am in Canada ...although have certainly had my share of sleepless nights and many grey hairs to show for it. 

Who knows why some end up with an addiction and some end up being the parent or spouse of an addict. I gave up on the whys years ago. Change, connection, faith and a real good measure of humour are what helps both my son and myself. Thank you so much for the kudos but I'm no different than anyone on either side of the fence fighting this addiction.

You have a lovely heart and spirit my dear... please keep fighting for yourself. You are so worth it:)

Cathyx

Posted on:
Tue, 04/10/2016 - 12:44

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Hey, beautiful soul :-)

This all sounds very normal and part of making big changes. Doesn't make it any easier, but good to remind yourself you're normal. Nothing wrong with you. This is one of the ways life can feel unmanageable. It's hard, right? Gripping on with your fingertips, wondering if you're gonna be able to 'hang in there'. Keep talking, expressing, connecting with whatever lets the pressure out a bit. Be kind to yourself and believe you can do this! 

At times of change like this it helps me to look back at the last time I felt this way or went through this problem. It's good to remember that it felt the same, just as bad and notice that I came through it. Noticing that it did not last forever and got easier with time. It's gradually getting easier everyday, just like the sunset time changes slightly every day. You can't notice it because it's subtle like this but trust that just like you can notice today that the sun set a lot earlier than this time last month, sure enough in a few weeks you will notice how much easier things feel. 

Keep doing your best every day. It's enough. Don't give up! Scream and shout, go to pieces at home when you can relax after a hard day. Let yourself feel. I promise this is the key - let yourself feel and it won't bottle up into something that feels overwhelming.

You got this, my friend!

A little tool that helps me when it all feels too much: http://www.duffthepsych.com/stopanxiety/

F x

Posted on:
Tue, 04/10/2016 - 18:49

volcano

Joined:
2010-07-05

Yo Sandra,

Can't really add any more than the good people who have added already.

Don't under estimate this big change your making at the moment. It's very admirable!

I'm very familiar with the area I believe you are moving to and I would say it's one of the nicest towns in the shire, with nice people to boot. Going into a house share if chosen wisely which u know you will, could really turn out to be one of the best moves you've ever made... your walking, talking, moving anda grooving in the right direction Sandra..

Posted on:
Fri, 07/10/2016 - 16:41

Charley1

Joined:
2016-09-11

Oh hopeful soul, so sorry you're having such a bad time at the moment. It's never easy and can so easily catch us off guard. Don't rush things, take a step back, take a breathe you can only achieve so much in such a short space of time. You don't have to climb the mountain straight away. You haven't gambled so that is absolutely is something to be proud of. I do hope you are feeling Morr positive soon. C x

Posted on:
Fri, 07/10/2016 - 16:53

[email protected]

Joined:
2014-12-31

So what do you want S x What would an ideal recovery look like?

Posted on:
Fri, 07/10/2016 - 18:02

volcano

Joined:
2010-07-05

A little bit of a rant here -

Don't say sorry if your diary isn't a cheery place. I know for myself I would rather come across as a miserable **** on my diary than in 3d.. It's a place to purge internally

Sandra, your making a life in a different country away from your folks. And doing it admirably, so rather than beat your self up, cut your self some slack. Your a wise lass beyond your years, another reason why you should be proud of yourself. I could go on and on.

A Lil bird said this once -

The sun goes up.
The sun goes down.

Sandra will be on the up soon

Posted on:
Fri, 07/10/2016 - 22:12

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hi Hopeful Soul,

It sounds like you are going through a challenging time. It also sounds like sometimes these challenges take you towards some dark thoughts. Please do feel free to call the Netline any time you need to talk, we are here to support you, please remember that.

I wish you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Posted on:
Sat, 08/10/2016 - 00:36

leedso

Joined:
2010-02-27

Hi Sandra,

You are stronger and tougher than so many other people to make the changes you have to try and build towards something better and more positive. Yes, it's tough, but you never have to come on here and apologise for how you feel or how hard you are finding it. The fight against the addiction is only one part of life's challenges, and it sounds like you're right in the middle of one of those fights now. Wish I could send you strength and help you tough it out, but my thoughts are with you, even if that don't mean too much. Keep fighting, even when you feel like you can't.

On a practical note, do you maybe have the option to take a power nap in the car before you drive home? I know in the car park at work, if I've had a bout of insomnia then I will grab half an hour at lunchtime. It's not a deep sleep, but roll the seat back and put some chilled out music on quiet, I sometimes feel like that gives me a bit more oomph in the afternoon.

To quote Sage Francis, who I think might have been paraphrasing Churchill, "When it feels like you're going through hell, keep going".

Ryan xxx

Posted on:
Sat, 08/10/2016 - 01:09

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

Thinking of you Sandra... take good care of yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZv8S806y_Y

Cathyx

Posted on:
Sat, 08/10/2016 - 13:35

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

No need to reply. Just caring without an agenda. Good to hear you feeling more balanced. That's the beauty of not bottling up - you move through it and feel better.

Keep up that great work :-)

Posted on:
Fri, 14/10/2016 - 10:00

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Sandra
I have said it before and will again, you have done nothing to offend me in any form, I have text you but fear I have the wrong number:(
You know where to find me.
Duncs x

Posted on:
Fri, 14/10/2016 - 13:11

Ineffable

Joined:
2015-02-21

Put you hand right up to your face to cover your eyes, touching your nose but keep your eyes open and try to see around it - it's difficult. Now put your hand as far away from you in front and look around - easy isn't it.

That's what happens when we lose perspective - that big dark thought or issue crowds out everything else and we can't see beyond it- we can't see all the good in our life - do the physical action as a reminder to yourself each time If you feel overwhelmed - remember to remove your hand from your face and you might find another perspective - hope it helps.

 

Posted on:
Sun, 16/10/2016 - 18:00

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Aw, flowerpot. Sorry things feel so hard right now. SOOOOO true about the perspective thing. Please give it some time. Remember the sun sets 2 minutes earlier every day - but it takes a month to notice the nights drawing in. Ask yourself are things a little bit easier? after 4 weeks have passed, then again after another 4. It's the only way, hun.

I can really relate to struggling and needing things to get easier AS FAST AS POSSIBLE!!!! though.

Hugs - you're doing way better than you realise and are way stronger than you think x x

 

Posted on:
Mon, 17/10/2016 - 02:28

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

Firstly 5 months GF is a fabulous acheivement! To me looking in you are spiralling upward. A big part of GA is service... getting out of our own heads for a while and helping others can be a huge part of recovery. You are doing that... volunteering and supporting your sister. You are participating/living in the 3D world , you are giving instead of taking and most importantly you are creating an honest life for yourself:).

Be proud my dear!

Cathyx

Posted on:
Sat, 22/10/2016 - 00:07

leedso

Joined:
2010-02-27

 

Hi Sandra

Hope you're doing okay, and that you have continued with your positivity throughout the week...had to dig you out of the fourth page of diaries! Glad you had a wonderful chat with your sister, and all dogs love long walks, apart from my mum's fat Yorkie who finds it too much like hard work actually getting to the flowerbed, so poops on the patio!

Anyway, keep finding the time to look after yourself, and keep up the positive steps, and all the good changes that are coming.

xxx

Posted on:
Sun, 23/10/2016 - 17:54

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Hi Sis,

Just a flyer to say that I hope you are keeping well. I know you are busy in the 3rd but, you know where to find me.  xx

Posted on:
Sat, 29/10/2016 - 14:46

triangle

Joined:
2014-03-14

thanks for the support on my diary Sandra

Posted on:
Sun, 30/10/2016 - 22:42

Ineffable

Joined:
2015-02-21

Thanks fo the note S - much appreciated.  Good to read you are keeping up the fight, even when it is hard going.  I hope some brightness shines on those grey thoughts soon and contentment sorrounds you. Take care.

Posted on:
Mon, 31/10/2016 - 23:17

Anon100

Joined:
2016-08-31

Hi Sandra hope your well, just wanted to update you as you was the first to write in my diary when I joined, I'm 34 days gf now and it feels so good.  I'm still remaining strong and always on my Guard.  Well done on your gf journey too x 

Posted on:
Wed, 02/11/2016 - 20:37

leedso

Joined:
2010-02-27

Awwww,

I know how easy it is to beat yourself up, I do so much of it myself. I know that my words however nice will not make you take those words to heart, and when I say that you are a genuinely wonderful and supportive person will not make you really believe that. It is not just your family that is fighting their battles head on, you are too, and showing great courage while you do it.

I wish I could tell you how to fix it, and how to make things better, but I don't know how to do it myself either. All I can say is that I am proud of you too, and the great effort you are putting in to your recovery which will leave you in a much better place than if you gave in to those gambling temptations.

Ryan

Posted on:
Thu, 03/11/2016 - 15:35

LifeBegins

Joined:
2013-03-28

Removed as requested x

Posted on:
Fri, 04/11/2016 - 10:19

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Dear one, your anger says absolutely zero about who you really are as a person. It only speaks of the fear, pain and trauma you have yet to acknowledge and integrate and work through.

I closely relate to this having had to face my "shadow" side recently in order to heal. It is OK to feel rage. Everything you feel is OK. Please hold yourself with compassion and be loving to yourself. It is deeply painful to experience these states so have compassion for yourself that you do. Yes, it's probably best that you don't get into a relationship if you feel you would lash out and hurt the other but don't isolate. As long as you're confident you can stop short of physically violent lashing out, friends and professionals are the way forward with these feelings. A trained counsellor will know how to hold a space for your anger and rage without judging you and hopefully help you accept this side of yourself. When we face and accept it and forgive ourselves for these emotions they significantly reduce and light will flood in to those spaces where darkness was.

You are a sensitive being and I want you to know that everything of this nature has been heightened lately for those who are sensitive. This is why it may feel worse than ever but it's actually pushing you to help you acknowledge, accept, integrate and then let go.

Nurture and love that beautiful soul, it is always in you.

F x

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