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Posted on:
Tue, 23/01/2018 - 12:30

itsbeenalonglongtime

Joined:
2018-01-21

After reading your diary I thought i'd answer first and say no. 

Posted on:
Tue, 23/01/2018 - 12:54

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Thank you. 

Posted on:
Tue, 23/01/2018 - 14:58

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I got this from the NHS website, and exactly describes me, except a counsellor recently was able to reassure me that the anger I feel is normal and understandable. For this reason, I don't feel shame anymore but often alienate people with my anger.

  • you are particularly emotionally vulnerable – for example, low levels of stress make you feel extremely anxious
  • you grew up in an environment where your emotions were dismissed by those around you – for example, a parent may have told you that you had no right to feel sad or you were just "being silly" if you complained of feelings of anxiety or stress 
  • These two factors may cause you to fall into a vicious cycle – you experience intense and upsetting emotions, yet feel guilty and worthless for having these emotions. Because of your upbringing, you think having these emotions makes you a bad person. These thoughts then lead to further upsetting emotions. 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 25/01/2018 - 19:15

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Weirdly we managed to resolve and reconnect again in a loving way, already. It was as if that traumatic evening was bizarrely healing.

It feels like the very strangest of times, these days. 

He shut down not because he was unaffected by my distress but because he thought I was about to break up with him. This made him feel hurt and therefore anger came up in him. So, he just shut down to protect himself. Seeing all of that pain in his eyes, opened my heart even wider. 

What a week! I've felt extremely wired and frazzled. Got very anxious in my driving lesson today but coped and am proud of myself.

Posted on:
Sat, 27/01/2018 - 23:57

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Still feeling very strung out and frazzled.

I had an urge to buy extra tickets in the shop, for the l otto. I just listened to the message my emotions were giving me. I will pay attention to this. It is a sign that I'm desiring a form of escape today. A sign that I am emotionally struggling and need to be gentle with myself.

Boyfriend got keys to his new place yesterday. His ex is struggling, emotionally. She was desperate for him to move out of their family home, but now he has, she is feeling the loss. I understand it. 

When my husband confessed he had feelings for someone else and I saw how hard he found it to decide whether to stay or go, I was done. I knew there was no turning back from that. I still often long for what we used to have, though. Before it was hard for him to decide if he wanted me. Moving out of our marital home was still one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I can't imagine the pain of seeing your little family physically separate, when you have a child with someone. 

Anyway, I had offered him my help, if needed, today. She was very upset that I might be around, so I said that was fair enough. It is hard enough for them both, if I can do anything to lessen either of their pain, I will. However, while she was out with the child, I offered to help him assemble his new bed, in his new place. Of course she turns up with the child, doesn't she? I try to sneak out the back but the garage is locked. I kid you not, I ended up hiding in an old outhouse! 

Anyway, a minute later he comes to find me and says she's gone. The kid is here but he knows I'm helping Daddy with some furniture. He has met me before, as Dad's friend. Boyfriend apologises profusely and thanks me for hiding... 

Anyway, half an hour later she turns up again, unexpectedly, to take child for his tea (dinner - we're Northern). No hiding can be done, child is in the room with us, we just all have to deal with it. She was very nice and it all turned out fine but a bit of a nerve-wracking moment!

Just made me realise how complicated things can be. I've never been out with anyone with children. There are so many situations that can happen that you just have to 'wing it' in. 

It's truly been an exhausting week.

Posted on:
Wed, 31/01/2018 - 15:40

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Still feeling tense and fraught.

I feel really grumpy and angry. I'm trying to consciously "own" these emotions. It's quite difficult!

It's windy and cold here, which often puts me in a bad mood. I also have period pains, dry, flaky skin on my face, patches of eczema round my eyes, a rash of spots on my cheek, and dandruff! I tried on a bra in a shop today and I looked horrible. Really flabby. I went and ate a chocolate bar, though, because I need chocolate on days like this. 

Just having one of those days where everything is shi t! raaaaarrrrrr!

Posted on:
Wed, 31/01/2018 - 19:23

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Arrrghhhh! Had a bath, which chilled me out a bit but now waiting for boyfriend to come over. He doesn't have a phone, so said it could be any time from 5pm... Not enjoying having no idea when he will get here!

I'm a bit upset about my driving lesson yesterday, as well. We went on the dual carriageway and I started panicking. I just get so scared!

Posted on:
Tue, 06/02/2018 - 19:43

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I gambled on Friday afternoon. 

Did it in a reasonably contained way. Spent a few hours on the 5p and 10p machines in an arcade. Less than £20 lost.

I simply wanted to be completely distracted from my life for a while, by the pretty lights.

I could feel it coming - a restlessness, frustration, anger rising up.

Of course, it has given me random urges again. Just re-primed that part of my brain. I'm just on my guard, for now.

Posted on:
Wed, 07/02/2018 - 15:27

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Thanks, S :-)

Yeah, I was silly. I'm not planning on doing it again. 

I'm going to start meditating again. This is A healthier form of escape. It definitely gives me respite from how I feel.

I'm getting a course of counselling sessions in a couple of months. Hopefully this will help lighten the load. I just want to be seen and heard more. My boyfriend started making me feel seen and heard but has been distracted with his own stuff lately. I don't want an excessive amount, but I want attention. Just loving attention. I feel disappointed that relationships seem to start off that way for me, then I'm invisible again. Maybe we all do it. Maybe I also do it to them.

I'm finding driving lessons very hard and feel frustrated about this. I feel quite afraid on fast and busy roads. I remind myself that many drivers I know also prefer to drive at night, so everyone must feel this way to some extent.

 

Posted on:
Wed, 07/02/2018 - 21:42

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

Hi Freda

Just wanted to say how much i enjoy and look forward to your updates on your diary.

I really struggled to learn to drive. It took me a couple of years and three failed attempts at passing. I used to get so nervous driving in cities and anywhere busy. Joining a dual carriageway from a slip road was horrible. But i kept at it and now i absolutely love driving. I love the freedom of being able to pack a bag and just drive anywhere. Keep taking the lessons, the fear does lessen.

Rob x

Posted on:
Fri, 09/02/2018 - 17:53

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Awww, thanks, Rob! That's lovely of you to share those thoughts :-)

I've been having problems with boyfriend. He has anger problems and say's I'm being nasty a lot. I'm not. Had to tell him, it's got to go, or I go. It's not his fault he's got all of this pent up anger, he was violently abused as a kid. He is, however, stubborn and proud and not seeking any mental health support, so.... nothing changes if nothing changes....

I'm really adamant I will have a loving partner, or no partner. Nothing else.

Posted on:
Wed, 14/02/2018 - 11:20

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I'm very nearly done.

Do you know what I'm f ooking sick of? men pretending to be someone much more loving and attentive for a couple of months, then not bothering anymore. What is the point? You're still going to get dumped! The pretending just upsets someone unnecessarily.

I'm not a social worker or a charity case. My relationships need to have something in it for me.

F ooking sick!

Posted on:
Wed, 14/02/2018 - 16:25

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I'm s o f ooking angry! 

He is such an a rse hole! 

I don't even like him, I've realised. He's miserable. He uses "going through a difficult time" as an excuse to withdraw warmth and affection. I don't think warmth and affection ever needs to be withdrawn. You still love people when you're going through a difficult time. 

I don't like him and he's selfish. Funnily enough, he was a completely different person for the first two months we were together. I liked that guy but he was fake.

 

Posted on:
Wed, 14/02/2018 - 16:32

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

The experience replicates gambling completely.

Intermittent reinforcement.

Just enough to keep you coming back for more. To try and make the lights flash again, like they did the first time. 

Posted on:
Wed, 14/02/2018 - 17:29

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I am really, really, really angry!

I am sick of meeting selfish people with nothing to offer who pretend to be someone else to get you attached, then just go "surprise! I'm actually a w**ker!" 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 14/02/2018 - 17:36

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I am enjoying ranting because I'm furious and I'm not ashamed of it, or sorry, or guilty.

He was selfish in bed and didn't even cut his toenails, the dirty fu**er. Sometimes his face smelled like sweaty balls.

He was tight-fisted and mean with money, too.

I could overlook all of those things because he used to connect with me. Then even that stopped. A RSE HOLE!!!!!!!

Only someone with zero self-esteem would go out with him.

Posted on:
Wed, 14/02/2018 - 18:34

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Arrogant scabby-faced goblin!

Posted on:
Wed, 14/02/2018 - 19:50

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I think this story sums up how unhealthy he is. He can talk for hours about his personal sob-stories. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's had a hard time but he loves talking about it. Very attached to sympathy.

Anyway, he told me and my friend a story about how nasty his foster father was. How he wouldn't give him a key to the front door and his foster dad used to make him beg to be allowed in. He hasn't given his 16 year old son a key to his own home either. The reason he gives for this? He "hasn't had time". He's had time to go for coffee with his mates and do things for himself, though.

What a nasty horrible way to treat your own child when you already know how that feels.

****.

Posted on:
Wed, 14/02/2018 - 23:19

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Passive-aggressive, face like a can of tuna, bum-boil !

It's very therapeutic :-)

Posted on:
Wed, 14/02/2018 - 23:58

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

I need to go to bed so haven't read the backstory but chuckling at your 'ranting' - albeit not the content or whatever lies behind it!  hope you get some sleep and all works out as you wish..

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 11:08

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I had a feeling someone would enjoy my rantings. When we're angry, we're ridiculous! haha!

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 11:40

Borgie

Joined:
2009-11-22

Aww Freda

 

I read threads a lot, nerver comment but I am willing you on all the time ! 

I want you to find somebody worthy sooo much. 

 

What I dont understand is how this one hid is true self, you knew him prior to dating him and so did a lot of other people you know as I understand it and you said none of them had a bad word to say about him so he must be an amazing actor !

Dump him for sure - he sounds horrendous !

I would focus on you - spend time with loving friends, enjpy new hobbies but maybe leave relationships for a while

 

 

You are such a lovely lady - everyone loves you on here for starters - but the men you find are just yucky !!! Leave be for now 

 

xx

 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 13:38

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Thanks Borgie <3

I can't believe anyone reads this!

We just took him at face value and felt sorry for him. He is quite paranoid and sees the worst in everyone. His reality must be horrible. He shouldn't be in a relationship but, as you rightly say, nor should I. I just long to be held and loved.

Thanks so much for posting. It means a lot.

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 20:04

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

The anger passes and all that's left is pain. All attachment is pure pain.

Thanks, S and everyone. 

Posted on:
Fri, 16/02/2018 - 14:38

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Much better today :-)

I don't half work through things fast!

I'm having a chuckle to myself, thinking "it was like going out with Eeyore!" haha. I'm supposed to be the one with depression!

When a big chunk of pain, like a massive poo, comes out of me I feel more full of love than ever. It's funny like that, isn't it?

Posted on:
Fri, 16/02/2018 - 15:08

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Pleased today has been a better day for you.

Your post made me laugh, what a personality you have that's priceless.

I can't comment on the poo bit haha

Wilsy

Posted on:
Fri, 16/02/2018 - 21:43

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Aww, thanks, Wilsy!

Better out than in! 

Posted on:
Sat, 17/02/2018 - 19:40

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Feeling a bit lonely. I know it's just attachment but I'm finding it hard having no contact with him. I know this might sound a bit selfish and stupid but it would help to have some sign that he is bothered we have split up. 

He really hides vulnerability but it can feel insulting, if that makes sense. Arrrggh!

Just missing the contact, the being touched - even though he was quite lazy with affection, the positive attention. It's hard seeing no-one at all some days.

It's just adjusting, really.

Posted on:
Sun, 18/02/2018 - 19:35

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Contacted him late last night telling him I missed him :-(

Initially, he said he missed me and it seemed to have been helpful to have made contact. I got the reassurance that he genuinely was gutted it had not worked out. Then, somehow, it took a turn and we ended up arguing on messenger for 5 hours!!!! It was exhausting and I've been ill with nervous exhaustion today. I only got 4 hours sleep.

I have never experienced a true love/hate dynamic with anyone, but this is very close. I love him but am scared of him at the same time. I've learned deep lessons from this relationship. Life-changing lessons.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 20/02/2018 - 00:44

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

He has just sided with my abuser. I'd previously shared with him that my mother was emotionally abusive when I was growing up. He chooses to take an example of one of her accusations that I was manipulative and agree with her. Words fail me. He is a dangerous person. I've copied and pasted a few comments from him, below. He is saying that he'd like to try again but he has a few concerns about my behaviour that he'd like to raise first. His raw nerve is disturbing! 

 

That time we talked round yours, in your bed, and you eventually asked me to leave because you felt uncomfortable, the way I felt that evening, I've not felt before.I felt like something wrong was being done to me.

You mentioned, I think that evening, that your mother had accused you of being manipulative, and that is honestly how I felt. That I was being manipulated.

I'm talking about how I experienced situations we'd been in together, where how you were behaving and what you were saying had a profound emotional affect on me that made me very uncomfortable.

So, are these the words of someone who wants to give a relationship another try, or someone implying that I am an abuser? Why on earth would you want to give it another go with someone you suspect is manipulating you? 

I'm utterly disgusted.

Posted on:
Tue, 20/02/2018 - 01:02

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Freda.
My dear friend I relate to your thread a great deal.
Do we,have we sought comfort in seeking the same from life that we have become accustomed to??
Is that why we find a strange comfort in the act of compulsive gambling?
Self damage seemed easier and a greater reward than abuse from a third party.
Weirdly at least I was in control of the self harm.
I am not giving advise, but you deserve better, a lot better.
If that's how the fella is going to behave then you know what you have to do.
But I know like feeding addiction it's a great sight easier said than done.
Look after yourself, in doing so you can make better judgements.
I hope you find sleep, nervous exhaustion is another terrible form of self harm.
Please put yourself first.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Tue, 20/02/2018 - 01:20

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Thanks, Duncs :-)

I want nothing to do with him. He has crossed a line that no-one should. Believe me, I see it now. I REALLY see him for what he is.

I will forgive him when the anger and disgust has passed but he doesn't deserve any of my company or time.

Posted on:
Tue, 20/02/2018 - 20:08

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I felt such rage this afternoon. He triggered my childhood stuff and my whole body was tense with rage.

I focused on deep breathing and let myself feel the emotion but my body still kept jerking and my fists kept clenching. It was so intense. I'm scared to go right into it. It feels like it would kill me. Like I'd end up having a stroke or heart attack.

I'm getting braver at letting myself feel more and more of it and am hoping it will eventually abate.

The positives are, I'm good at recognising when I need to get out of relationships. I do give people more than one chance, which, although it sometimes means I'm exposed to more bad behaviour than I would be if I had a "one-strike-and-you're-out" attitude, I think it's a good thing because no-one is perfect and people are allowed to make occasional mistakes.

I'm a one-strike-woman when it comes to violence or infidelity. I've learned to recognise intense attention and affection as abnormal, particularly within the first 2 months or so. 

In short, I'm abusive-relationship-proof. This is a good thing. A very good thing.

I've met some real tools over the past couple of years. 

Posted on:
Wed, 21/02/2018 - 00:26

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I've felt so happy tonight. Not having to deal with that selfish, miserable old co ck nose meant I could chat online with some pretty awesome people and have a mint dance in my living room, music blasting.

I've sort of had a revelation that he drags other people down to his level of negativity with criticism. If you get sucked in, you either get pished off or end up walking on eggshells - or worse of all, believing that sheet.

Nah, I'm just gonna get on with my life, I reckon. Just gotta leave people to it, sometimes.

Posted on:
Wed, 28/02/2018 - 20:07

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Saw ex on Sunday and he looked terrible. Gathering of friends. I was nice and offered him a cake, he wouldn't/couldn't even look at me. I left because I felt very uncomfortable. He was just looking down, face getting red, not saying anything to anyone. 

He makes me really uncomfortable. I couldn't tell if he was angry or upset. I got very anxious. 

There have been no apologies for me or attempts to make amends. This is what has been making me feel upset and angry. Just the lack of any respect for me, yet he claimed he was falling in love with me. I think he was projecting massively and he is the manipulative one. 

It's the weirdest feeling because I'm concerned about him but he was so disrespectful to me, I have to walk away. 

I've been happier since we split up, just struggling with the feelings of loss and hurt that he couldn't show a bit more respect for me.

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 15:51

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I'm hurting so much today. 

I contacted him to ask for my drill back because I'm moving soon. He asked if we could be friends again. I said I just needed some boundaries. He got nasty and ranty. He has been including inaccuracies in his rants, changing facts to make me sound worse. It forces me to get drawn into a discussion or argument in order to defend myself. I got really firm and said it was in black and white, further up the thread, that I did apologise for such and such and that you believed me that it was a sincere apology. I literally have you saying this, in writing. I need you to stop doing this. I won't be around it. I think insisting on boundaries being respected infuriated him. He sent another rant, having the audacity to say that "all this arguing was draining" for him. I just gave up and said "I'm sorry you feel that way". This is a way of refusing to engage with an emotional abuser that will enrage them, if they're trying to control you. He said "don't patronise me. please don't contact me again". 

I know none of this is my fault. It is just upsetting to be exposed to this nasty behaviour. He really is a ******* ****head.

Good riddance. He's poisonous.

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 16:34

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I'm hurt but I'm also really angry. 

I don't deserve to be treated the way he treated me. 

I just want to quote what he responded to my request for a few basic boundaries "There seem to be no words I'm allowed to use to tell you I'm not OK with something. I can't use the word "nasty" I can't mention your mother or the word "unnecessary".

I asked him never to mention my mother when criticising me. My mother abused me as a child. He has never met her. There's nothing wrong with that boundary. 

Who wants their behaviour described as "nasty"?!?!! or "unnecessary" which is belittling and condescending.

Those were my boundaries and when I insisted on them, he basically told me to f*** off.

What a horrible excuse for a human.

 

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 18:11

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I'm sick of attracting abusers! 

I just want to be loved by someone who doesn't abuse me.

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 22:23

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hi Freda,

Sorry to hear about your experiences with your ex, it sounds like the past few days have been challenging emotionally. I appreciate that sometimes it feels good to rant and offload. 

Please feel free to call our Helpline or Netline for support, sometimes it is helpful to talk these things through with someone. We are here to support you, you are not alone. 

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 22:31

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I'm really annoyed Gamcare have deleted loads of my posts. 

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 23:38

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Raaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 23:40

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                 This is my spirit expressing itself! Sorry if it's uncomfortable or inconvenient!                                                                 Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted on:
Sat, 03/03/2018 - 00:07

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted on:
Sat, 03/03/2018 - 21:29

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Ah, haven't checked my emails but I'm OK. I just wanted to call him funny names but Gamcare deleted them.

Posted on:
Sat, 03/03/2018 - 23:45

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I've actually had a really lovely day today. Went out for lunch, got a lovely dress and bag from the charity shop - only £2.79 each! Lots of cuddles from the cat and got some laundry done. 

Gonna put clean sheets on the bed then have a soak in the bath.

Posted on:
Mon, 05/03/2018 - 12:36

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I'm just in pain today. Lonely, wanting to be held, to be loved. Need to get showered soon. Work later.

 

Posted on:
Sat, 10/03/2018 - 11:00

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Thanks, S.

Moved house on Thursday. Just feeling exhausted! 

Posted on:
Thu, 29/03/2018 - 01:45

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Haven't been gambling.

Bought a car and just took it out for a drive about with my friend (as I am still a learner). I had a brief panic attack as some mean div tailgated me up a bank. At night, with headlights, it feels really intimidating to see someone so close behind you. I pulled over and asked him to take over. We got some petrol, which felt scary, because it's petrol and I was scared of it (!) He drove us back to near home and I drove around the neighbourhood for ten minutes. I'm so glad I did because I relaxed and felt more confident. If he had just driven me home I might have lost some confidence. I think the fastest I went at any point was 27mph! haha.

It's a start.

Feel frazzled, strung out and tired but I'm in one piece. I have a car, paid for in cash. Insurance paid up for the whole year, tax the same. This would not be possible when gambling. 

My friend was great. Really supportive and calm. I'm lucky.

Posted on:
Mon, 02/04/2018 - 22:21

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I have been out in the car a couple more times. Just up the road to my best mates house but it all helps.

I'm in a weird state, emotionally, today. After parking up and going inside, I kept having thoughts like "I didn't do anything dangerous, did I?" "Have I definitely locked the car?" " Have I definitely put the handbrake on?" My confidence and self-esteem are quite low today. I'm doubting myself massively.

I also feel very insecure. I am craving attention and/or validation. I have come very close to contacting an ex. Luckily, I'd saved the texts we'd exchanged the last time we spoke, when I said I wanted nothing to do with him. I reread the conversation and it reminded me what a selfish pr**k he'd been. Great deterrent.

I've not been gambling but have had some mild urges at times. 

I have an appointment for a new course of therapy I was referred for on Wednesday. It will be good to have extra support for a while.

Posted on:
Fri, 20/04/2018 - 11:10

ands

Joined:
2009-02-06

Hello my very good friend

I have read a little bit of your recent posts and you've bought a tear to my eye. Genuinely hope your okay, those emotions you are expressing sounds very tough. But your a legend on here and a very caring, considerate, genuine lady. Even after years on and off this forum I always look at the high five Queens postings.

Hope things settle down for you and the new therapy has helped.

Take care freda, I wish you all the best. Ands xx

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