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Posted on:
Wed, 27/09/2017 - 16:51

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Thanks both,

No need to worry S, I have completely washed my hands of him. I also found his use of language creepy and disturbing. He is an abuser, 100% proof now. I feel it is the lowest anyone can stoop to knowingly take advantage of a vulnerable being. Literally ****.

You are spot on, SA - I understand how abusers operate. Now I'm certain, I'll be ready for him. Thanks for the reminder :-) 

I forgive him already but will not be letting him know that. Abusers disgust me - to my core. 

Posted on:
Thu, 28/09/2017 - 22:12

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Such an intense day. Do you ever have those days where there is so much to process that you feel like an overtired toddler? Just overwhelmed and wanting to wail?

Not all bad. Met some friends for coffee and chess, this morning. Three of us women and a man. I remember years ago, before I got married, seeing a picture of him and thinking "phwoar!" funny this universe of ours... Didn't know him then, was a friend of a friend. Still remember it, though.

He is a good person. A good man. Good father. Other two have to clear off and leave us. He goes to the bathroom. I haven't known one of them very long, but she is very close to him. We're not together, you know, she says. Then starts winking at me. 

Oh, gawd, I can't process this RIGHT NOW!!!! I just came out of an abusive relationship 3 days ago! I say, shaking. Then he was back. My nerves are frazzled atm. It left me wondering if she was trying to tell me he was about to ask me out. I went really hot and shaky. My body just couldn't process the feelings.

So, really nice, really. Not the best of timing, though. He didn't ask me out but I saw that he was looking at me in that way, out of the corner of my eye. It was really sweet. He was just looking at my face. Not leering at my body, just looking at my face. This should feel really nice but I can't feel anything at the moment. I'm still numb.

Anyway, so there was that. Good but unexpected. Went home to eat before my driving lesson and was involved in comforting a suicidal person on a Facebook support page. Got massively triggered by someone who I just get a bad feeling about, posting to say she agreed with the suicidal person.. That there was no point going on. 

I was furious. My gut instinct is that this person is a narcissist and isn't genuinely in the same distressed position. I got that cold, creeping feeling over my skin, that you get when you are witnessing something very sinister.

Of course, this person could just be really thick and not thinking that this could tip this person in crisis over the edge. I just had a very strong gut feeling that it was intentional, though. Abuse. I replied saying "is this the best time to be saying that?" I waited a couple of minutes, then tagged the admin of the page. She got really angry. A narcissistic sociopath would get angry in this scenario. I felt such rage. It mirrored my own experience just days earlier. Of being emotionally abused while vulnerable. I have strong feelings of disgust for this.

It was very stressful to be triggered this way. I had to go straight out to start a driving lesson. I told the instructor I was feeling angry and why. It was really hard to concentrate. I wouldn't have driven had it been a regular car. It was safe with an instructor and dual controls and him knowing what emotional state I was in. Very stressful on my body, if you can understand.

During the lesson, it was like a comedy sketch on some mother's do ave em. Motorcycles roaring past me on the wrong side, unable to be seen, kids suddenly ejecting themselves into the road on bicycles, even a zombie-like man walking right in front of the moving car. It was bizarre.

Miraculously, no-one was hurt and I didn't have a nervous breakdown!!!

I'm just exhausted now, though. Will just hide at home tomorrow and not deal with the world.

Posted on:
Wed, 04/10/2017 - 10:55

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Feeling much calmer and happier. 

Pleased to have that a s s hole out of my life. Have hardly thought about him. He hasn't been in touch, thankfully. Lesson here is trust my gut, ALWAYS. Even when appearances are very convincing.

I'm fostering a kitten for a couple of weeks. Keith. He's nuts! He really gets on my cats wick. He's very OTT.

Have more energy and have started running again. Getting back to peace, happiness and myself.

Posted on:
Sat, 07/10/2017 - 17:04

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Feeling really depressed today. Really, really vulnerable and afraid of the future. 

Think it has, in part, been triggered by talking to a friend about how he might move away. I depend on his girlfriend for a lot of my social connection. I join her a couple of times a week to walk her dogs and she is really supportive if anything upsetting happens in my life. I guess it's not ideal to think about that when I'm already feeling low. 

My thoughts are mostly circling around it being unsafe to be so isolated and that I have no-one close to look after me or help me if I was to fall ill. I feel really unwell today, as I have a late period I'm waiting for and it has given me a really sore back and tummy and I feel really lethargic. 

Today, I miss having a boyfriend. Having someone to cuddle me and show me some love when I feel bad. I really miss my ex husband. I miss the safety of a longterm relationship. The company from living with someone who I trust and feel safe with.

I know deep down that I can have these things again some day but it's hard when you're hurting and want someone now.

I have the foster kitten sleeping on my knee. He is really sweet and is some comfort. I just keep telling myself over and over that this state of mind isn't real and it will pass.

It's really painful!

Posted on:
Sat, 07/10/2017 - 20:42

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Need to do a gratitude list.

1) I'm grateful I'm warm and dry.

2) I'm grateful for the beach, today. I loved plodging at the water's edge.

3) I'm grateful for my friends dog. It was great watching her running on the beach today. She is a whippet and they look so beautiful when they launch into a run.

4) I'm grateful for the bargain I got today. 50p for my sandwich from Boots! it was their new vegan one. I was excited to try it.

5) I'm grateful for the lovely chat I had with a little boy, today. He was so sweet! He wanted to stroke the dog and said he loved her. He told me how her long claws helped her to run really fast and said thank you for letting him stroke her.

6) I'm grateful that I was feeling confident enough to host a couple of friends the other night. It has been ages since I tried because I was afraid I would get anxious and alienate people by having to ask them to leave. This is a good sign of progress.

7) I'm grateful my ex boyfriend has stayed away.

8) I'm grateful I have 5 subscribers now on youtube! I vlog about things and find it cathartic.

9) I'm grateful for my laptop.

10) I'm grateful for chatrooms. I went on the GA chatroom for a bit this afternoon and it helped to connect a bit.

Posted on:
Sun, 08/10/2017 - 17:04

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi F :)) 

I did see your post concerning Mr " Doushbag " ( is that the way you spell it ? ) and was doing a little mini fist pump but didn't want to come accross all " I told you so " in a fatherly way although in all honest it's probably closer to being in a " Grandfatherly way " these day's with the new addition to my  clan and all :)) . 

I think it's far easier for someone looking in from the outside to see his" hidden agenda" shining through from between your lines of text and that's no disrepect to you because as we all know " Love is blind " and in some cases " The need to have someone in your life " also fits that bill . 

I'm currently going through the same thing with my son who met his girl at Uni and who have been going steady for the last 6 months , which was great to start with but who in my eyes seem's to be playing him like a Goodun ? His love or need to have her in his life is also making it difficult to see clearly and even today he's gone up to see her to " Calm the waters " , I think there world's apart on what they want and who as individuals they need but all I can do is be there when he want's to talk  as it's for him too see or not as the case may be , I actually like her but just feel there's too many differences :)) .

You know F it's easy to say but not everyone's the same and I'm sure you'll find the " one " sooner than later but it's usually when your not actually looking or thinking about it that it will strike , which is how I met my partner with whom I've been so happy with for the last 9 yrs and who was like a breath of fresh air coming into my life after a pretty nasty divorce but I guess:you don't appreciate the good until youv'e been through the bad ? :))  .

The Fotsering is great and bring's a lot of joy to our live's although challenging at times it's nice to make a little change for the better to someone who shouldn't have gone through some of life's not so nice experiences . 

The post from Shaun was highlited last night when I watched a Louis theroux programme about Gambling in Vegas and more about the " High Roller's " are invited and looked after by the casino fixers who's job it is to keep them playing .  I thought it may make me uncomfortable watching it with alot of roulette actin which was one of my downfalls but I can see gambling for what it is these day's now I've had a couple of years clean and it was really just full of people like I used to be in total denial giving reasons to gamble in order to justify the continuing losses :((. 

I guess we go back to that saying " Nothing changes if nothing changes " ?  , glad to see youv'e made a least one good change in your life by giving you know who the " Heave Ho " and more importantly that as we all should do  Learnt' from another of life's experiences :))  Good on you F :))..

Talk to you soon and thank's for the drop by :)) 

 Grandad :)) x 

Posted on:
Tue, 10/10/2017 - 14:14

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

My foster kitten just deleted a really long post I'd written! arrrgh!

Gist was: I've been expressing a lot of strong anger and grief recently. It's exhausting but feels healing.

Posted on:
Tue, 10/10/2017 - 14:15

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

And thank you Grandad :-) your posts often make me cry but in a good way. It's like someone sent an angel to give me a big hug.

Posted on:
Thu, 12/10/2017 - 19:30

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

What an emotionally intense week! I have not wanted to go on living, at some points. I seriously doubt I'd act on those feelings but despair, anger, fear, grief - they've all been close by, this week.

I fostered a kitten, who was sweet, bless him but glad to have a more peaceful home once more!

Life feels quite surreal, these days. I'm off on a weekend away with complete strangers tomorrow. I kind of feel nervous but can't really be bothered to, at the same time. It's a spiritual kind of weekend. Talking in circle and doing a bit of mad freeflow dancing. I'll take some valium. Everything is OK when you've had a valium! haha.

Actually looking forward to connecting with people, just wish it wasn't on the tail of an emotional, depression week.

Posted on:
Tue, 17/10/2017 - 19:45

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

The retreat was really tough for me at first. Had really bad anxiety on the way there and for the first day. I had to take valium and felt very sad that I had no-one to comfort me. I'm sure someone would have, had I asked, but I felt shy as I had only just met them.

I ended up enjoying the second evening and the morning after that but it really took it out of me, energywise. A lot of them said they thought I was very brave.

I feel lonely.

Posted on:
Wed, 18/10/2017 - 05:14

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

I'm sorry you feel lonely Freda. Sending you a ((hug)).

Cathyx

Posted on:
Thu, 19/10/2017 - 22:59

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Awwww, thank you! :-)

I generally don't feel lonely but it's the occasional times when you have a bad time of it, you really feel the loss of that person to hold you.

I feel champion again, now!

Posted on:
Tue, 24/10/2017 - 17:38

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I sometimes feel I go around in circles and not much changes but I'm not gambling, which is a good start.

I continue to really struggle with my mental health. I have felt a lot of fear over the past few days. Some friends who have been really helpful to me went to view a house in Wales the other day. We're in the North East. It really shook my foundations. I know it's not good to depend on people but when you struggle with physical or mental health, it's really hard not to.

Anyway, turns out they're not going but triggered me massively. I'm still recovering from that man who treated me like shi t. Life can feel very precarious at times. 

Posted on:
Wed, 25/10/2017 - 18:53

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Still feeling a lot of fear and anxiety. 

Today I had a meltdown because the pharmacy don't have my medication and I may have to sort it out on the day I run out. When you are struggling to get out of the house in general, to have to make it to the pharmacy or run out of meds is not a nice scenario to be put in.

I just want to escape from this hellish reality. If I wasn't afraid of death, I'd have killed myself by now. I was doing so well in May until I met the ex and ended up worse off than I was to start with. I wish I was back in that more hopeful place.

Posted on:
Wed, 25/10/2017 - 21:29

Dean0

Joined:
2017-09-14

Hi Freda,

I often read your diary I’m just never really sure what to say.  I can see you’re not in the best place at the moment. But I can tell you with certainty bad times don’t last forever.  You seemed to have found that good place a while back when you were writing you things to be thankful for list. I used to check it all the time because it made me laugh (not in a bad way) the bits about the Valium tickled me.  

Anyway obviously the ex bf was a bit of a douche and you’re most likely better off without him and I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that.  

I’ve picked out a song and I think you should play it out loud and think of him when you hear the words.  https://youtu.be/v-Dur3uXXCQ

Posted on:
Thu, 26/10/2017 - 21:21

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Thanks, Wentworth :-)

Ahhh, I'm surprised people read it. I know me old mates from when I was active on the forum do but I just write it for catharsis now, mostly. I guess I've got some decentbits of wisdom to share from my gambling days but it rarely comes up in my diary now. I think that's what recovery is all about, though, in a way. Keep expressing yourself and feeling your feelings and your diary will have fewer mentions of gambling. 

I can't remember what I've said about valium, now... haha! Most probably my love affair with it and that life would be a piece of pss if you could take it every day without harm ;-) 

I'm often struggling emotionally, when I write the gratitude lists. That's why I do em. Try to stop the plummet into depression.

I feel much better today, thank goodness, although still quite cack.

Posted on:
Thu, 26/10/2017 - 21:33

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Freda 

I have read your diary for a long time now, I have taken a great more from it than I have contributed to it,  for me it has helped me challenge myself and reevaluate my beliefs often. 

I believe for you like me writing here gifts a better personal sense of wellbeing 

For that keep writing my dear friend. 

Glad today you had a better day, for me I know the value of each day without the presence of depression and without doubt they will help me through the days when depression is present. 

Look after you.

Duncs stepping forward never back. 

Posted on:
Fri, 27/10/2017 - 09:25

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi... Ive always enjoyed reading your diary.

You say it as it is, feelings and all.

Like you say... catharsis

Hugs... S.A :-)

Posted on:
Fri, 27/10/2017 - 12:10

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Thanks, guys :-) it's nice to know others find value in my ramblings.

I'm definitely feeling a bit less fear.

Going to attempt a walk in the park, shortly. It's just a 5 minute walk from my house. There are ways I can make my route shorter and so on. It will be good for me, even though I still feel a bit shaky and fragile.

It will hopefully take some of the shakiness away.

I have asked for adult mental health services to contact me to talk about my diagnosis and have a discussion about PTSD and if it may be relevant to include it in my mental health picture. I definitely have very strong reactions to events and behaviour along certain themes - powerlessness, domination, judgement and other things like that. 

I did some self CBT exercises yesterday and meditated twice. They both seem to help a lot. The less painful, intense place I've shifted into is much easier to manage, although I've struggled to do anything functional, like make appointments, social arrangements, or have a driving lesson.

I felt such gratitude for my friendship with my ex-husband, last night. It's so helpful to me to have someone in my life who knows me really well and always supports me in a way that feels good. Having faith in me and never judging me.

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 23:30

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I'm really struggling in life at the moment. Lots of strong emotion coming up. I have a feeling this is very old stuff, as there is sometimes no trigger, apart from a feeling that emotions are starting to rise up in me. I wept for a bit tonight and felt calmer for it.

I'm spending most of my time alone, which probably isn't healthy. 

I spoke to a mental health nurse this morning, who has referred me to see a psychologist. I'm kind of glad about this, as I don't feel my diagnosis is right. This is more complex than anxiety and depression.

I walked a few miles today, which is good. I'm going for Reiki in the morning. Hoping it helps.

I managed to go to work yesterday and I think it did me good. 

I really miss my ex-husband. I long for some safe, supportive company.

 

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 19:17

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

May peace stay with you...youre not alone even if it feels like it some days

((((F)))) x

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 10:32

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Thank you :-)

I'm struggling to believe it's going to be OK. There are so many traumatised people around me. Myself included.

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 11:12

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

There is help around also.Trauma is something we live for life, it's not gonna go, however managing it (with help) is possible. Then and now are two different spheres. It can stay in our subconscious but it's very important that "now" can be a lot peaceful and calm if we let it be.

This time of the year doesn't help many, myself included, so more than ever need to keep reaching out...talking, sharing.

I like connection. Don't find it often but when I do, I feel alive again! ☺....maybe I just take massive positive in knowing someone who can challenge my mind. Communication is all about that. Challenging yourself and your ability to make change. As they say - two heads are better than one :-). Even on here, talking and bouncing thoughts off each other is big help for suffering souls...

Be kind to you...it WILL get better

X

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 18:26

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Thanks, that's really kind of you to say.

I told a samaritan to f*** off on the phone today. I said I was finding it hard to be optimistic when there was so much stress and struggle around me. That I live in a city with high economic deprivation and I am struggling to stay positive when no-one I see regularly is thriving. Like, they are really struggling to cope, nevermind thrive. I started talking about how the cuts were traumatising people, as there is no safety net anymore. It felt like it was compounding my depression and making me feel more powerless. She asked are my family supportive? No, I said. They can't cope either. Their generation was also traumatised. What by? she asked. She seemed uncomfortable with the political theme to my problems, but I explained that they were trying to raise us under Thatcher's government and their mortgage payments doubled virtually overnight. That they were worried they and their children would become homeless.

Her response to this was - yes, but that would have happened to everyone. I said "Yes, that's why so many people struggle today. Because a whole generation learned from their parents that the world was not safe without plenty of money - and now it is extremely hard to have plenty of money because jobs are in short supply and so stressful that it is difficult to cope with them." I'm not saying my struggle is unique, I am saying that it is valid. Just because it has become the norm, doesn't mean it is healthy.

She just wouldn't have it and got very defensive and said she didn't want to get drawn into a political debate. She was here to listen to me, not debate politics. I said it would be nice if she could acknowledge that it was a difficult situation and wasn't as easy as just thinking more positively. That it's hard to stay positive when everyone around you is overwhelmed and therefore rather than fall back on the support of your community to get through a tough time, everyone is just as scared and overwhelmed. 

Well, that's just a normal part of life, she said. That's when I told her to eff off and hung up.

I find it so disturbing when people can't acknowledge that our society is in deep doo doo. I rang back and got through to a different woman. She was lovely and very supportive. She understood that I hadn't rang the samaritans just to be told to "just get on with it like everyone else." 

I don't actually feel bad for swearing at that other woman. She shouldn't be answering the phones if she dismisses what people are going through, just like that. It makes me feel like I am going mad when people don't accept there is a problem. I was in tears and talking about nurses, with degrees, using foodbanks. I don't get how anyone can feel that is not a sign of urgent change needed. 

She must have been a Tory voter. A lot of people try to convince themselves they are still good people by trying to "counterbalance" their actions with good deeds. I guess my reflection of reality made it hard for her to still feel good about herself.

Thing is, that "don't be a baby, just get on with it" attitude is so toxic. It makes people feel shame, when they are doing their best. Life is not a competition, just because she is coping and I'm not, doesn't mean I can just snap out of it. Even if I am just "pathetic" or whatever these people presume is wrong with those who are not coping, is it right to have no compassion for them?

She was a massive a rse hole.

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 12:29

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

OMG Freda....

I'm crying now because originally your post made me smile. Not taking a Mickey out of serious conversation and willing you to keep talking your worries out because you have right to do so...rant dear lady RANT as much as you want!
The operator shouldn't be working/ vollunteering there if started taking political sides. You just wanted to express your feelings and nothing is wrong there. She could of been more empathetic that's for sure by the sounds of it.

I nearly had a rant with a vet today as she "suggested" that my doggie is pregnant. I said no way & she just likes her food that's why her bwlly is wobbly all over but she just had that smirk on the face I didn't like at all! Next she started squeezing lil paw's boobies expecting milk out of them and I nearly had to remind her dog is not a cow!

Anyway, after the ordeal we were sent home with some drops (suspectidly to limit her milk glands???) and another appointment for next week. I went out of my way booking days off and preparing for this day and here we go...all went down the drain and I have to rearrange everything again. It upsets me to be honest. Can't take more stress on.

I went to the church to find it closed. Why churches are closed in a day? This upset me too...i just wanted some peace and say a little prayer. Being in a church may just make it more real...

I'm blabbing on. I hope you find today more peaceful and calm.
Be kind to yourself

X

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 13:06

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Ohhhh, I've just realised who you are, P! :-) you just changed your name, I thought you were someone new.

I'm OK today. Coming out of it now, hopefully. It has been quite a long bad patch, which has made me struggle with it a bit more. You can kind of just suck it up and get on with it for a few days but this has been a couple of weeks.

I guess the cold and dark haven't helped!

I have gotten back into my meditation practice, which has helped a lot. I let it slip completely, but doing it most days is what is best for me and my health.

Hope doggy isn't too upset with fireworks this weekend.

 

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 13:29

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

You can almost pass for detective ;-)

I'm not one for new threads or names but never say never huh! Another journal hurts too much...i can't put into words how much so this one came along, alongside the new motto - "freedom of speech"!

Meditation..something I didn't try yet but possibilities are endless so would like to step up here also and give it a shot. My walks works for me similar to meditation. I find myself connecting to my soul..even if only briefly.

Oh, poor lil one is definitely scared of banging around. She is not a fan of bathroom (since she knows it's the place to put a shower cap on and have a good scrub) but yesterday, she was following me there every time I needed a loo....& we only had few fireworks going off!. Dread today and shall be snuggling up with her under the sheets when darkness falls.

You have a good day too ☺...stay safe and calm

X

Posted on:
Tue, 07/11/2017 - 23:42

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Truly bizarre few days.

Back in June, I asked my ex-boyfriend to stop contacting me. This is not the most recent one who was using me for sex but the one before. He is a car crash of a guy. Also a compulsive gambler, he admitted he had been declared bankrupt at one point, so it progressed to pretty chronic levels. This man is 41 years old and has never engaged with any recovery work. He is still in denial. He has a restraining order barring him from having any contact with another ex-girlfriend, as he also wouldn't respect her boundaries when she asked him to leave her alone.

I'd asked him to never contact me again, in June, as, on top of him claiming he was receiving anonymous death threats in the post, as was the ex-girlfriend who had the restraining order, he'd contacted me to say that someone had told the police that he was a child molestor. That was enough chaos for me. I didn't believe his most recent story one bit.

Anyway..... he did stop contacting me for a good while. I thought he was finally gone. Few days ago I get an email from him. He makes some stupid story up about me sending him a message via Skype. Utter rubbish. Just an excuse to contact me. He said in the email that he had been to my workplace and left a package for me. Bang out of order. 

So.....I get to collect it last night, there's a note in there saying he'd inherited some money recently and wanted me to have some of it. There was £250 in cash. ******* weirdo.

I refuse to make any contact whatsoever with him. I don't want his money but am adamant I'm not posting it back. It's like some weird power/control game. I won't allow anyone to force me to do anything. Idiot. 

Anyway, I feel weird about having it or spending it. I don't feel guilty or sorry for him. I just feel unsure what to actually do with it.

I'm thinking it over carefully, but I think I want the police to know about it, in light of him already having a restraining order from an ex-girlfriend. I'd be well within my rights to ask them to give him a caution but I don't want to. I'm not sure why. It's a weird state to be in, having someone disrespect your boundaries or abuse you. I know 100% that it's wrong but it feels over the top to punish.  

Anyway, just writing down my thoughts. Not sure what to do. Anxiety continues to reduce gradually....although this didn't exactly help! Time for meditation practice.

Posted on:
Sat, 11/11/2017 - 12:54

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Slept on it and had the police round the next day. Decided not to have them talk to him or arrest him - seemed a bit harsh, despite him violating my boundaries - but they have recorded it as a crime (harassment) and it's there in case anything else should happen. 

I'm out of my deep depression and now just in the usual, mild feeling of emptiness and something not quite being right. Usually the only thing that takes it away is cuddles from someone who loves me, or regular meditation. 

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 01:14

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Hi Freda

Hope you're feeling better this week ☺

Deep breaths girl....deep breaths

S x

Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 15:15

paulds

Joined:
2012-01-13

 

Hi Freda,

Just popping round with a supportive high five, I don't post so often but today decided to give some support to the posters who have helped me in the past so I couldn't leave out my old diary buddy Freda. I have been catching up on your diary and you have had a rough time men-wise, if you don't mind me saying.You seem to have got shot of the ones who deserved it and you were so right not to accept that money. I understand what you say about missing hugs and physical contact, sometimes I don't want someone to listen or speak or offer advice or lecture I just want a hug. 

It sounds like you are having some good days and some bad ones, keep fighting, it may be raining now but the sun will shine no matter how impossible or improbable it may seem.

Stay safe and strong

Paulds 

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 18:41

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I'm in a right one, today! Just need a rant and a ramble. To let it all out.

Firstly, I'm missing my positive things. I have been full of cold and unable to exercise. This has been one of the things I could do despite whatever else was happening in my life. It made me feel strong and resilient and in control of at least something! I had 2 weeks off because of depression before that, so I'm really irritated by not getting to run and keep building on my fitness.

I've also taken a break from driving lessons. I was managing to keep on top of the stress I was feeling but if something else happened to me, it made me realise I had less resilience because of it. When I was triggered into anxiety and depression, thinking my two close friends might be moving away, it was too much. I miss the feeling of progress and getting somewhere that learning to drive gave me. I know this is only temporary but it has disrupted my positive momentum I'd built up. I'd started to believe that I could achieve something again, despite my emotional difficulties. It felt amazing to feel optimism again.

I'm writing this entry in two parts because I will scream if I lose it all, by the internet dropping out, or something!

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 19:06

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I'd been getting to know someone ( a man ) who a lot of mutual friends know. He appears to be a "good man" from what I can tell. I really don't feel ready to be with anyone again yet but it certainly felt safer to get to know someone who seems genuinely a good guy. Neither of us have actually said anything to one another, there's just definitely an energy between us. 

It has felt nice to experience the feeling of fondness coming from another person. To catch someone looking at me out of the corner of my eye. I suppose just being noticed. 

I was going to say something soon. Just to level things out. To bring it out in the open. 

We are friends, so it matters, I think. I was going to say something along the lines of ' I might be wrong but there seems to be a bit of chemistry between us. I'm not sure I can trust anyone yet, though. I'm very wary of spoiling our friendship.' 

Anyway, last night we had a very se x ual conversation on messenger and it brought a lot of fear up for me. That has been hard today. It wasn't directly sexual toward each other but skirting round the edges. He was the one sort of, pursuing that tone.

It made me feel afraid in general. Getting close to anyone does. It made me feel scared that what I know of him so far is not real. That he has been behaving in a way to get me to like him. That he doesn't like me in general but just wants someone to have sex with. Lots of scary feelings.

I also just had a negative thought spiral about the state of the world and feel pessimistic, like we're all doomed. That is not nice to be sitting with, either.

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 19:46

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Hi F! I just got out for a evening stroll (companies developments made the car park location same as Gatwick airport! No lying...quite a track!)

Thanks for your post! A lot has happened since you went AWOL for a while (as I see been busy creating connections).
I do appreciate my counsellor. That's what I need to be honest . Someone to talk to who cares enough to listen and also it's very therapeutic to challenge your thought process. We do seem to get on well and I guess it works both ways for us with bouncing those thoughts off each other. Of course it's different with her being my therapist but as I always said - two heads better than one and I am getting so much out of my ramblings...i am learning as I go so it's fantastic feeling for sure! I learned something today I didn't know yesterday and that is what personal growth is all about...

Anyyywwaaayyyy..what is going on with You? you don't seem to be wasting time huh ☺

Please hun just be careful. You have been hurt in the past, don't let the cycle repeat again.

I know you're capable of making a turn here and not repeating old trust" mistakes.

Look after you. Listen to your heart but don't dismiss those nagging brain cells either ☺

Spk soon

S&B xx

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 19:53

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I have also kept the money, for now. I kind of don't care if anyone judges that, or thinks it's wrong. I've very assertively kept my boundaries up, making it clear I want nothing to do with him.

I was in two minds. On one hand, I wanted nothing from him and didn't want him to think I owed him anything. On the other, I defiantly wanted to keep it in order to teach him a lesson. That he shouldn't give gifts with strings attached. That if he was going to pretend he was doing it out of the goodness of his heart, he had to be prepared to lose it and get nothing in return. 

While I was deciding what to do, he phoned the police to complain about me slandering him! I make Youtube videos. I made one about the importance of boundaries and how some people will go to great lengths to try and get back in contact with you. I mentioned an ex who had told me someone accused him of molesting children. This was him and it was true he'd told me that. I didn't name him, though. I said it was probably a made up story to try and get me to feel sorry for him. He told the police that I'd publicly accused him of being a paedophile! I explained I'd done no such thing and told them to watch the video. I ended up agreeing to taKe it down so that he would drop the complaint. So, I really don't feel sorry for him at all now.

Posted on:
Sun, 03/12/2017 - 13:20

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Hi chook!

How are you feeling this week?

Sending you a bucket of strength and hugs!

Keep being kind to You!

(((((((((((F)))))))))) xx

Posted on:
Mon, 04/12/2017 - 00:49

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Hey there, lovely!

I am doing OK :-)

A little romance has been blossoming with someone. It's very sweet. I'm not that into him yet but it is nice to have some affectionate moments and cuddles with someone.

We are writing each other little poems.

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 01:45

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Ohhhhhh...romance huh ☺

Let me know when to get a hat!

Please hun be careful and follow your instincts/heart/head all at once :-))))

Good to hear you're sounding calm and positive.

Keep it up!

S&B xx

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 11:43

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Thanks, S :-)

We were mates already. Lots of mutual friends. No-one has a bad word to say about him.

Who knows if it will work out but he treats me with nothing but respect.

Posted on:
Fri, 08/12/2017 - 01:58

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Hey girl

Thank you for your encouraging words...

I have had many many unfortunate events in my life. The ones where I had control off, is really winding me up now..but ...i dunno, I can't change the past & Yes, maturity is an important stage in life.

I just wish I didn't reflect this deep but I guess I have to look back to help my future self.

I hope you're well and happy ☺ romance blossoming and you're able to be yourself...at peace, calm and smiling ☺

You deserve all best tgings in life...& maybe just maybe I do too ;-)

Stay safe and well

Hugs back

(((((F)))))) xxx

Posted on:
Fri, 08/12/2017 - 17:04

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I've been happier the past week or two, yeah.

I have had one of my days today, well, this afternoon. Where I hurt, in my heart and weep. I don't even know why. I think part of it is shame I feel about my body and appearance. I don't know why I'm hurting this much, though. I often have no idea at all why I'm crying. It's just deep grief that moves through me.

Posted on:
Sat, 09/12/2017 - 21:40

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Hi lovely

Thank you for your support as always. You do help me to calm down and stop beating myself up over things...even if the task seems impossible in my mind.

Hope you have had a good day and feeling happy and at peace. Emotions can be biat*hes huh but we can manage them as we know they're gonna pass...

Proud of you and willing you on on your journey ahead!

Thanks for everything dear F

S xx

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