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Posted on:
Fri, 15/06/2018 - 19:28

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

 

Oh, man! I've just accidentally deleted a really long post - arrgh!

Awww, how lovely to hear from Ands :-)

I've not been posting for ages, just haven't wanted or needed to. I'm gradually getting there with my driving :-)

I've been doing really well in my mental health. Have discovered a therapeutic class where you get to scream, shout and swear as much as you like for ten minutes. I love it! Getting it all off my chest!

The toxic man I had been going out with early this year is a real ********. He tricks people into feeling sorry for him then feeds off of it. He never, ever wants to talk about anything positive, struggles to cope and is often really angry but won't do anything constructive about it. I encouraged him to come to a drumming class when we were together, it was really good for him but he stopped going. My friend invites him to play five a side and he never shows up. He just wants to moan on about how mean everyone is to him, feel sorry for himself and look for sympathy. Don't get me wrong - he has serious problems and is depressed but you can't help someone stuck in the victim mentality. He doesn't want to talk constructively about self-help tools, he just wants attention.

He has just contacted me in a rage because his neighbours are annoying him. Wanting some company. I made an excuse. I don't want to know. I won't reinforce his behaviour. He is horrible to be around, who wants to sit and listen to someone rant every time you see them? I got really anxious, feeling pestered when he rang. I have got bad hormonal troubles today and can't be there for anyone. I was relaxed but him trying to hook himself in has stressed me out and made me anxious and tense again. 

Hey, you all know I'm a compassionate person but I stay away from victims who drain you of all of your energy. Have to look after your own wellbeing in this life. 

Feels like chaos in the world this week, a lot of agitation and stress out there. The energy is very intense. I'm just keeping to myself and not getting drawn into someone else's dramas.

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Fri, 15/06/2018 - 19:28

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Oh, no - it was still there, haha!

Posted on:
Sat, 16/06/2018 - 12:48

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Been thinking about this a lot this morning and having persistent depression is not the same as acting like a victim. I was thinking about my feelings towards this man and whether I am just as bad. I have a lot of "can't"s in my life. Things I struggle to do because of lack of confidence. I can't magic confidence from somewhere overnight, though. Maybe my disgust at him, is disgust with myself. I don't know.

I try. I think people who try, are at least taking responsibility for themselves. Maybe he is trying and I'm not "seeing" it. I think part of me likes to judge him. To feel superior. I honestly believe no-one is superior to another person overall. I think some people are trying more than others, though, and that it is better to try, than not try.

I do think chronic moaners are a problem, though. It's hard to thrive around. Goodness knows you have to work at thinking positively in this world. I think this man stresses me out because I find it hard to maintain optimism around him. I NEED to stay positive, can't afford to let anyone drag me down.

I was finding it hard to get motivated the other day to do some exercise. I felt really tired and achey. Exercise was the last thing I wanted to do but neither did I want to give in to it. I listened to a motivational podcast. After which, I went for a run. I didn't manage to run as far as usual but I did it. I tried. It was better than nothing and I showed myself I CAN overcome some barriers. 

I have recognised I could do with strengthening my positive thinking habits, so I'm going to bring back the gratitude lists.

 

 

 

Posted on:
Sat, 16/06/2018 - 13:03

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Today, I am soo very grateful for:

1) developing my boundaries - I'm so grateful I was able to ask myself what the cost might have been to saying "yes" to letting my grumpy, angry friend over. I didn't just automatically say "yes" to someone without a thought for my own well-being - I put myself first and I needed to.

2) I am grateful for my hormonal feelings of upset as they remind me I am healthy enough to menstruate. A woman can only menstruate if she has a basic, decent level of health - and I am one of the lucky ones who do! 

3) I'm grateful for this diary and the relief I get from writing down my thoughts.

4) I'm grateful that my cat is healthy. I took her to the vet this week and it was expensive - BUT I gained the wonderful news that she is in perfect health.

5) I am grateful for the signs of the resilience I have built. I was stressed driving my cat to the vet, as the traffic was busy and she was crying the whole way which was upsetting to hear. I managed to do it, though. I overcame these difficult factors and succeeded in driving there and back.

6) I am grateful for having been able to sort some problems out that I had been putting off. I ticked a couple of things off my mental list and it felt great.

7) I am grateful for good friends who I connect with and resonate with. I had a good chat to a friend last night, over the phone. We respect each other's outlook and opinion and both find it rewarding.

8) I am grateful for the joy I felt on the beach the other night. I'd had a rubbish day and it was so uplifting to see my friends dogs having a blast on the beach. One of them made a new friend and they had great fun chasing each other. 

9) I'm grateful or the book I've been reading. I haven't gotten into a book in ages, just one of those things, but I'm reading this quite quickly and enjoying it.

10) I'm grateful for the recent feelings of not needing anyone. I would like someone to hug me when I have a really bad day and occasionally I miss rumpy pumpy but overall I feel I can take care of myself.

 

Posted on:
Wed, 27/06/2018 - 13:47

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Feeling really fearful today. I've hurt my lower back, so I can't do exercise like going for a run. I've had to cancel my driving lesson tonight, as well. 

I have counselling later. I feel a bit ambivalent about it as I don't feel we are really going anywhere or achieving any progress. 

I want my life to get better but feel so fragile and afraid of getting hurt. Even in the sense of getting a job and being told I'm not good enough. 

I'm going to a therapeutic screaming/shouting thing on Friday evening. I'm looking forward to getting all the pain, frustration and anger out. It's very liberating. 

I haven't spoken here about my brief gambling spell. I relapsed when I got a new laptop. It's my gambling mind's idea of a good opportunity, with a brand new device without blocking software downloaded yet. It lasted a week or two, no significant amount of money was lost, thankfully. 

I think I've been "clean" about 4 weeks now. 

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 27/06/2018 - 18:03

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

That was an upsetting counselling session I just had. Want to write about it to try to make sense of it.

The first thing that unsettled me a bit was him complimenting me on how I looked, at the start. It was approriate in that it was not sexual in any way. It wasn't really that that bothered me. I can see why he did it, to see if I can accept a compliment but he seemed to act like I hadn't. I asked him if he thought I hadn't seemed to accept the compliment, and he said yes, he thought I didn't accept it. I said "thanks" and smiled. I didn't try to negate it, saying "what? you need to see an optician!" or "I think I look awful today" I just smiled and said thanks. He had said he liked my clothes and the colours were very nice. 

I felt a bit confused as to what he expected me to do or say. I mean, just because I don't look elated or over the moon to get a compliment doesn't mean I'm not accepting it and letting it in, you know? I don't really think it's cause to get all excited, to be honest. I don't particularly need people to compliment me, when they do, I accept the kind sentiment and get on with my life, lol. So, it made me feel a bit over criticised, in the sense that I think I responded in the ideal way - pleased but not needing it. It's the healthiest you can possibly be, in relation to compliments, in my opinion.

I don't like when someone implies there's a problem or unhealthiness where there isn't. Personally, I think that's pretty dangerous.

Anyway, that's a fairly small thing and I just privately disagreed. It just wasn't a great start. 

Then, I was talking about unhealthy relationships and wanting to avoid getting involved with particularly needy people. I was describing how once I realise or become aware that a person isn't taking responsibility for themselves and is asking for help and emotional support everytime they are upset, unless "everytime" is only once a month or something manageable like that, I will start to distance myself a little. I will decide the relationship, if intimate, needs to end. I think this is pretty healthy, to be honest. Particularly if I am not getting any support or encouragement in return.

Now, I know that sometimes we need to acknowledge things about ourselves that we don't like but I'm pretty good at doing that. Even if I don't want to, and it's upsetting, I will face up to something if it's true. So I can handle being challenged. He said that I seem very dismissive of people like this and this could be me playing out what has happened to me, in the past. Dismissing needy people because I don't like that I am needy too. That in rejecting that side of myself, it makes me reject that side of other people. I got confused and upset because I just don't think that's true. I look after myself but yearn to be held "sometimes" on particularly bad days. To receive love when I'm hurting. I just don't think that's needy or unhealthy. If it's occasional and proportionate. I was asking why that was needy and he was just saying that I say I'm lonely and long to receive love, which is true, but I don't think it will rescue me or save me, it's just nice to receive love sometimes. I really think I need a low level/amount of attention and support but I do need some. He was agreeing that this is not excessive, although some people don't need this at all so I just didn't think it made sense, what he was saying. I said to him "I'm open to the possibility that you are trying to make me aware of something unhealthy within me. Like, I'm up for acknowledging something I was unaware of or avoiding about myself but even with this attitude of curiousity toward your imput, I just don't agree or understand why you think this." It was making me feel confused that his explanations of me being "needy" didn't make any sense. 

It feels very upsetting when you make yourself vulnerable with someone, then they suggest something about you that you just can't see.  Made me doubt myself and feel like I was going mad.

The only thing I can think of, was that I do sometimes place myself around less than ideal people if they give me some positive attention - but I don't want an excessive amount, just SOME! I don't think it's a problem to want a little bit of positive attention. I think it's natural. 

Oh, anyway, I just left the session feeling really confused and tearful . As though someone was seeing me as having worse problems than I actually do but feeling vulnerable because that person is supposedly an expert in these things. Ugh!

 

Posted on:
Tue, 10/07/2018 - 10:59

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Feeling a bit emotional this morning.

Struggling to navigate this world and move forward at the right pace. Make progress but not to the point where I'm overwhelmed and feel I can't cope.

I was offered a job yesterday at 4.30pm. Told I needed to attend a 7 hour induction tomorrow and start the job on Thursday! I felt put on the spot. It's hard to get a job these days. This would have been above minimum wage and a fairly good job for me, in general. 12 hours a week, a way to gradually rebuild my confidence. 

Thing is, the induction was being held a 45 minute bus journey away. Spending 7 hours around strangers in a new employers environment, having to get the bus back during rush hour and then having my first day at work the day after felt too much. It was frustrating to turn down a good opportunity but I'm just not ready for all of those scary things, so close together. All of those things individually, would take a huge amount of courage for me. I just reduced my medication 2 weeks ago as well. I've struggled a little bit with agitation and anxiety while adjusting but am confident I can level back out if I'm not put under any significant stress. So this would have jeopardised my wellbeing. It would have been a big risk.

I'd really appreciate it if people could refrain from leaving judgemental replies about why I shouldn't have let my fear get the better of me or how you just have to push through these things. You are not me, you don't know what I can and can't cope with. I push myself outside of my comfort zone ALL OF THE TIME. One thing life has taught me is when I stop listening to everyone telling me what I should and shouldn't do and make small, realistic, manageable goals, I don't need the mental health crisis team, I don't deteriorate and become housebound with anxiety and I don't end up crying for days, feeling like a failure. 

Has anyone else noticed that society does this a lot with anxious people? It is good to encourage people with anxiety to try and to not give up as easily because this can lead to building their confidence. Don't they say you're always capable of a little bit more than you think you are. But I think society can be a right bully, actually. People for whom this wouldn't be a problem, don't understand and so they tell people like me that we are being silly. We're not. Would you bully someone with a phobia of spiders into sitting in a room full of them for hours? No, you'd respect that this was not reasonable and would be too much for them. Why can't people do that when someone is experiencing an anxiety disorder? It's like some things you're "allowed" to be afraid of and others you're just being silly. Well, I'd like to tell those "you're just being silly" people to **** off and mind their own business. Bullying a frightened person into something too far out of their comfort zone doesn't work and is actually traumatic for them.

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 17/07/2018 - 11:22

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I have been seeing a therapist through the NHS for help with trauma triggers. It came to a head last week when he started laughing at me during a session and reponded to my news of turning the job down as "so you bottled it, then?".

What an utter disgrace to his profession. He's a massive a-hole. We descended into verbal confrontation then things calmed down again and he was keen for me to go back to do a review session to have a proper end to therapy and finish on a better note.

I initially agreed but I'm not going. I'd only be doing it to make him feel better and I don't see why I should.

Do you know the massive positive to come out of all of this? I know it was HIM. It wasn't me, it was him. I'm strong now and can stick up for myself and assert myself.

 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 17/07/2018 - 11:50

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Freda.. long time no speak. Good to see that your staying away from the gambling.

As for counselling.. you have good counsellors and bad counsellors.. and it sounds like youve got one without alot of empathy and the ability to try and see things from your perspective. Like your say though, you have stength of character and you can see things for what they are.

Nice to see that your still posting. I am back now from oblivion. Back to recovery. Take care

 

Posted on:
Thu, 19/07/2018 - 20:57

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Thanks, SA

Yeah, don't think he was a ******, just clumsy and insensitive. Not helpful!

Time for a gratitude list!

1) I'm grateful for the progress I've made. I am strong and resilient.

2) I'm grateful to have managed to reduce my meds by 25% without deteriorating emotionally! how good is that?! big achievement. Was never comfortable being dependent on such a high dose.

3) I'm grateful to be fitter than I was last year. I struggle with a lot of tiredness so progress has been slow, but I've progressed nonetheless!

4) I'm grateful that I like myself. I think I'm good fun.

5) I'm grateful to be less anxious talking to people. I'm more confident on a basic level.

6) I'm grateful that I am confident driving on most roads now.

7) I'm grateful for the trauma releasing exercises I have learned. They have made my life much better.

8) I'm grateful for coffee, cos it's delicious!

9) I'm grateful for having a supportive GP. She gave me some valium, as well. It's my favourite! I wish it wasn't addictive, I'd have it on my cornflakes, hehe.

10) I'm grateful I can get angry without feeling overwhelmed now. There was a time when it made me feel like I would have a stroke if I got angry. It was horrible.

 

 

Posted on:
Sat, 21/07/2018 - 13:45

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I'm getting fitter and am so proud of myself! It feels really good. 

I've been doing more self-care lately. I'm happy about this positive trend.

Posted on:
Wed, 25/07/2018 - 17:46

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Good stuff on the fitness!

I find I am at my best in life when i am fit

Keep up the good work

Posted on:
Wed, 08/08/2018 - 00:45

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Thanks, SA

I am still keeping at it. It helps protect my mental health. Cried most of the day, today but went for a run this evening. It helped. I crave connection. Although I'm not suicidal, it feels there is little meaning and purpose to my life. I do kind things for people sometimes but other than that, I'm finding it hard to see the point in anything. I guess I'm depressed and pessimistic about my chances of meeting anyone who thinks I'm worth loving. I think I'm worth loving, I've just lost faith in anyone agreeing.

Anyway, I went on a bender. Lost a few hundred quid. I feel little about what I've lost but I recognise someday I may feel differently so I have put blocks back in place.

I noticed I could disable my gambling blocker when I was trying to get it to allow me to visit a particular website so I could buy a bra. Weird way to find myself vulnerable but that's what happened.

I attempt to resume my sobriety.

Posted on:
Wed, 08/08/2018 - 04:02

San15

Joined:
2018-05-31

Just a step at a time Freda. 

 

Sorry I didn't get back to you, got some issues over this way and truly need to sort them out.

 

Be kind to you,love yourself and it will spread around - i promise!

 

Hugs (((((F))))) ❤

Posted on:
Thu, 09/08/2018 - 18:35

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Depression is really bad today. I feel really full of shame that I have not managed to overcome depression. 

I want to live. Fully! I want to feel able to do things other people do. It's just a boring, wasted life.

Posted on:
Fri, 10/08/2018 - 01:16

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I have moved on to anger now. I'm feeling really up to my tolerance. As though I can't be bothered to bite my tongue.

I've been thinking tonight about why people even bother to, in some situations. I really do think some people are just rude and selfish. Sometimes it's not a misunderstanding, it's not an accident - the person who pees you off just doesn't care about you at all.

I reacted really childishly today. Do you know what, though? I forgive myself. It doesn't achieve anything or make anything better but I don't feel bad that I didn't manage to use loads of energy resisting the urge to bite. In recent years I have become really good at letting a couple of things go with people. Like, even if they are really rude, I'll still give them another chance. This woman has been really rude to me or about me a couple of times and I've forgiven and still had a positive attitude with her but she just didn't even bother to reply to a message today. Without going into the details, yes, sometimes people just genuinely forget and that's why I don't worry about it the first couple of times. She has an attitude though. She's very narcissistic and will have all the time in the world to talk about herself. Do you know what? I think it makes her an idiot because she fawns over people who flatter her. She courts the attention of really fake, shallow, disloyal people because her ego drinks it up like nectar when they flatter her. She runs around after them because they give her ego a hit. I don't like her. Anyway, this ignored message could be a genuine mistake but see that's what happens when you've already been rude a few times - a person won't give you the benefit of the doubt anymore. Now, I'd already considered the possibility that she just didn't like me. I think that's fair enough if I get on her wick for some reason. It happens. But it is only a person of dubious character who will ask a person for favours repeatedly, even though they don't like you. And she has - and I've done her some good favours, I really have. I don't throw these back in people's faces. I don't expect anything in return if I do a favour. I'm just saying that only she et people use those who they don't even like. My attitude is - I can live with you not liking me but if you don't, don't ask for my time and energy. That's just bad morals. I bet this makes no sense, I don't care, it's just a rant to express the anger I'm feeling. 

So, yeah, I was childish. She ignored a message asking her a question, so after a few hours I replied "OK, no worries". Kind of like shouting "you're welcome" at someone who doesn't say "thanks" when you hold the door open for them. Sometimes I just want to say "I see you being rude and disrespectful. Don't think I don't see you." 

I'm just sick of people treating me like poo. 

And....really.....if I'm honest - I don't really care if I alienate rude people because I don't want to know them anyway.

Most of the time, I manage to quietly notice things and say nothing but just know what I know. I'll just privately adjust my level of respect for that person and won't go out of my way for them. Do you know - the ex boyfriend who was accusing me of being nasty? What a nerve he had! I was being about as gracious as it gets even wanting to know him and communicate with him anymore, he really didn't deserve even that. He asked me if I wanted to go to a free workshop last week. I said "yes". I was going anyway, but traditionaly, that means you've made plans with someone. Now, if something comes up and you can't make it, that's fine. It's usually respectful to let the other person know, though. He just didn't turn up or even bother to tell me. I texted him an hour in, to ask if he was still coming - over a week later, still no response. You seriously don't need people like that in your life. Yes, things come up but to not even say "oh, sorry, forgot to reply" or something. Ignorant. It's just basic respect for people. Yes, he had a very traumatic childhood and he's messed up but he treats people like poo. No excuse for that. I have zero time for him now. 

So, you see, I am capable of being way more patient and forgiving of people than they deserve but I've got my limits. It just seems so commonplace as well. People have no shame. 

Well, I feel calm and no longer angry in my body, which must mean I've vented and it has worked. Excellent.

It's quite freeing to be open and honest about my angry, mean, thoughts. I still love myself. I get to have that side to myself and still like myself. 

Posted on:
Fri, 10/08/2018 - 06:47

paulds

Joined:
2012-01-13

Hi Freda,

Just been catching up with your diary, stay strong, those people you describe seem like a real drain on your positive energy. Well done for standing up for yourself. For some people I know it all seems to be about them, very tiring.

Paulds

Posted on:
Fri, 10/08/2018 - 11:56

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Thanks, Paul. It's really kind of you to stop by and leave a comment. I don't even read other people's diaries anymore. I feel I don't have the energy to give. 

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