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#1 Posted on:
Tue, 30/06/2009 - 21:20

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Ive not gambled for a week now, but I find that this is where it gets hard. Felt really low tonight after seeing a friend in the supermarket. Seems like her life has moved on without me. Although she was still friendly and chatty, theres more distance there. She said she can probably meet up in a few weeks. Thats what happens when you are out of circulation for a while, people move on then dont have much time to fit you in anymore. It feels lonely.

Posted on:
Tue, 30/06/2009 - 21:32

Jasmine

Joined:
2009-04-23

Hi Freda,

Good to meet you in chat and well done on a week free.

As for friends, they come and go....that's life. You will meet new friends, I'm sure, as you move on with your own life. Just think about yourself Freda and look after yourself too...........don't worry about others too much :-)

Keep strong.

Jas x

Posted on:
Tue, 30/06/2009 - 21:46

Kay P

Joined:
2009-06-13

hi freda,
completely understand what you mean about losing touch with friends because of the gambling - it's another aspect of this horrible thing - I said on my first post that I had been like a hermit for a long time and people will drift away if they haven't seen you around.Tough though it is, the few people who are real friends will always be there for you no matter what.I've met some awful people masquerading as friends in the past and realise now that some you are better off without!
I've found that now I'm not spending my time hiding away in the bookies and doing mundane things like a bit of gardening. neighbours I didn't even know stop and talk to me.
I'm not trivialising things and do hope it doesn't sound patronising as my partner works terrible shifts and I have often felt incredibly lonely ( not a good feeling for a gambler ) but the longer you stay away from arcades, the more money you'll have in your purse and hopefully you can get back a bit of social life again.
It's not easy - I was out for a few drinks at company 'do' last week and felt very self-conscious all evening as i've got out of the habit of 'mingling' and really didn't have a lot to talk about as my life had been work and machines for so long.
You're doing really well so far - onwards and upwards!!!

Kay

Posted on:
Wed, 01/07/2009 - 07:31

ginny

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Freda

you hit the nail on the head when you said about being isolated because of gambling, its not the actual gambling that isolates us i dont think, i think its the secrecy about it, the constant struggle when we are trying to find money somehow , anyway we can. trying to come to terms with how we feel about gambling because in a way our sub concious is telling us c/gs we are doing something that could ultimately destroy us and everything we do have. sorry that sounds sooooo depressing was just putting down my thoughts on it.

as for being alone, on here this is one of the places where you are not alone, a place where you can be honest, a place where finally you can deal with this addiction and just as the title says build a recovery diary for your own recovery.

stay strong freda, its been said a thousand times or more on here but the one day at a time really is all we can do for now

good luck my freind

G x

Posted on:
Wed, 01/07/2009 - 12:15

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Feeling much better today. Sad feeling passes quicker than you'd expect.

Right on with today! as that fish out of finding nemo would say 'just keep swimming!'

Posted on:
Wed, 01/07/2009 - 17:46

ginny

Joined:
Before 2009

hi freda thank you so much for your post on my thread, it so helps to know someone is listening to me if that makes any sense?

you stay strong freda , we are all in the same boat here, with one aim , one aim to be gamble free, free of the addiction thats nearly destroyed us.

big hugs back to you freda, speak soon

G xxx

Posted on:
Wed, 01/07/2009 - 18:52

ands

Joined:
2009-02-06

hi freda, thanks for the kind words, hope you are ok and had a good day. i never thought life would turn out like this and relying on gambling to escare lifes problems. Anyway all the very best to you, take care. x

Posted on:
Fri, 03/07/2009 - 16:46

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Had my first session of addiction counselling this morning.

Was very upsetting talking about how I feel, and realised Ive been needing a 'selfish' outlet like this for a loooonng time. I feel so overwhelmed by my own feelings that sometimes I cant handle other people's problems, so its been hard to make new friends.

At least in counselling I can just let it all out without feeling guilty for not being able to return the favour. I feel confident that once I deal with my emotional distress, I'll be able to deal with other people better.

I surprised myself with how upset I did get, but feel confident with this counsellor. The last one I went to see was a trainee, and talked about herself so much I felt it was all about her! Not good if you cant get a word in edgeways in your own counselling session!

I think if I talk about my fears and emotional pain out loud, it will feel like a relief. Im hoping I wont need gambling as an outlet anymore if I stick with this.

Posted on:
Fri, 03/07/2009 - 21:03

deep trouble

Joined:
2009-06-21

Freda,

Well done on your counselling, I'm pleased you found someone you can talk to. The quality of counsellers, like most things, can vary enormously. Pleased you have found a good one.

Have a gamble free weekend.

DT

Posted on:
Fri, 03/07/2009 - 21:05

ands

Joined:
2009-02-06

Hi freda, nice chatting tonight, hope you have good weekend, your a sweety. x

Posted on:
Sat, 04/07/2009 - 16:32

ands

Joined:
2009-02-06

Hi Freda

Thanks for your post, hope you are having a good day, been swimming and had pizza with boys. They in garden playing, have a fridge full of food for the first time in a very long time (i know thats bad). My friend is looking after my money and bank card, cant trust myself yet! Anyway thanks again for your replies. I hope very soon i will be in the position to give you some support as you have for me. Take care and hope your ok.

Posted on:
Sat, 04/07/2009 - 17:09

deep trouble

Joined:
2009-06-21

Hi Freda

Hope you are having a good day, thanks so much for your support.

DT

Posted on:
Sat, 04/07/2009 - 17:27

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Anytime. Have you been watching the Williams sisters? I find it boring when they are playing each other, but gonna catch the mens final tomorrow hopefully.

Keep posting if you are feeling low, take care
F x

Posted on:
Sun, 05/07/2009 - 10:37

ands

Joined:
2009-02-06

Hi Freda

Thanks for your post, how is your weekend going? Hope you are ok, since joining this site on monday i never realised there are people out there with similar problems. Do you think that CG,s should be punished for there behaviour. My brain at the moment has gone into complete meltdown, realy have to concentrate on the here and now, finding myself bogged down with guilt and regrets. Hope im not depressing you, sorry if i am. take care x

Posted on:
Sun, 05/07/2009 - 10:56

kim

Joined:
Before 2009

The time is now
Now is the time to act. Now is the time to live.
Now is when you can make a difference. Now is when you can bring your intentions to life.

In this moment you can choose to step forward. And when this day is over, you will already have made important progress.

Everything you need to take that first step is available to you now. It is now up to you to make use of the opportunity.

There is no limit to what you can accomplish when you put your effort and commitment into it. Now is the time to make the commitment and to begin the effort.

You have a dream, a vision of how truly fulfilling life can be. Now is the time to make it real.

-- Ralph Marston

Take Care
STAY STRONG
Kim xx

Posted on:
Mon, 06/07/2009 - 06:45

ands

Joined:
2009-02-06

Hi Freda

Thanks for your post, im glad you have had a good weekend, hope you get them posh shoes soon lol! Realy dont want to patronize you and sorry if you think i am but you are doing realy well.

Hope you have a good week ahead freda, take care and thankyou again. x x

Posted on:
Mon, 06/07/2009 - 06:51

ginny

Joined:
Before 2009

just popped in to say hi freda, im glad you are staying strong and wish you continued sucess

G x

Posted on:
Mon, 06/07/2009 - 11:44

Sabine

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Freda
I hope you are well.
Glad you are having counselling. I had some when I first stopped gambling and it helped with all the issues which caused me to escape to gambling in the first place.
To deal with my gambling addiction I went to Gamblers Anonymous and 2 years on I still go every week.
When we first stop gambling the emotions can become overwhelming.
Keep going to counselling and keep coming here to share your stuff.
Don't worry about others. You need to get yourself better first.
If you can share how you are getting yourself better then that is great because others can take things from that to help themselves.
Hope this makes sense.
Take care and be safe.
God Bless
Charly

Posted on:
Tue, 07/07/2009 - 00:47

ands

Joined:
2009-02-06

Hi Freda

Thanks for that lovely reply on my diary, how are things with you?
I hope your next counselling session goes well
Take care freda and all the very best to you!
andrew x

Posted on:
Tue, 07/07/2009 - 10:03

Sabine

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Freda

Thanks for your post on my diary.
I had to smile at what you wrote about having to drive 15 miles to get to a G.A. meeting.
I have met loads of gamblers who find a meeting too far to get to but have no problem driving miles upon miles to find a place to bet.
A question often asked in the G.A. room is:
How far are would you travel to have a bet if you really wanted one?
I like to visit other G.A. groups and have travelled up to an hour and a half drive to get to a meeting.
Just a thought my friend, just a thought.

I believe, and it is my believe, that G.A. is the only place that works in helping to stop gambling. I wouldn't be where I am without my G.A. group.
I am glad you are having counselling and hope it is helping you.
Keep strong and stay safe
God Bless
Charly

Posted on:
Tue, 07/07/2009 - 21:33

Kay P

Joined:
2009-06-13

Hi Freda,
Thanks for post on my diary and well done for going to counselling.Hope it works for you.I can relate to sentiments about bad & good ones.Went to one once for something totally unrelated to gambling and left feeling very small and like she'd talked AT me for an hour and all she wanted was the money at end of session so hopefully yours will work out a whole lot better.
Good to hear you treated yourself too at the weekend.Sound mad but it still made me feel guilty as I've got so out of habit of shopping and when I thought of all the things my partner has had to pay for when I've been skint.Bought him a little something too to ease my conscience a bit!
It's small steps initially but even after a few weeks you do start to feel a bit normal again when you and not the machines are in control - which is crazy cause they're not living, breathing things and all we have to do is walk past - sounds simpler than it is.
I'm a bit overwhelmed at the support from yourself and others on here and quite humbled by the number of really genuine, intelligent and friendly people who have been caught up in this madness of compulsive gambling.I haven't given up my gg's as you know and felt maybe some would be a bit 'anti' as I'm not abstaining completely but I couldn't have been more wrong.
Well done so far- keep it up and thanks again

Kay x

Posted on:
Thu, 09/07/2009 - 17:30

ands

Joined:
2009-02-06

Hi Freda

Thank you so much for reading and posting on my diary last nights post gave me alot to think about, it truly was a lovely post freda and as i said on my diary i wish you all the very best. You certainly have had a rough time of it, am glad your counselling is going well and im glad you have a good counsellor.
I hope you are ok, take care freda i will be thinking of you. andrew x x

Posted on:
Thu, 09/07/2009 - 18:23

deep trouble

Joined:
2009-06-21

Freda,

Thanks for your kind words, sometimes I am lost for words at the moment, so I will leave it there.

DT

Posted on:
Thu, 09/07/2009 - 22:31

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Well what a nice day I've had! I've just got back from my Buddhist meditation class, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Feeling very peaceful, I'm so glad I started going. You have a bit meditate with someone talking you through it, then you look at a buddhist attitude or concept and have a talk about what you think of it. Tonight we were talking about how its not always wise to get attached to things, because 'things' cant make you happy. Well that sums it up for the gambling. Being attached to gambling doesn't make me happy, it just distracts me for a bit.

Thanks for the posts today guys, please dont feel obligated to return the favour if I post on your diaries though. I just do it cos it feels good, I don't need to be thanked.

Hope this feeling continues :-)

Posted on:
Thu, 09/07/2009 - 23:02

green

Joined:
2009-01-06

Hi Freda,

thanks for your thoughts, your right there is some great advice and people on here.

I have popped into your diary before, and am glad to see your making good progress. will pop by again soon to have a good read through, my heads in a bit of a pickle this evening, think it's time for bed.

good to meet you stay strong.

green x

Posted on:
Fri, 10/07/2009 - 15:15

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Still feeling strong, but gutted for some of the things that are going on in my fellow recovery buddies' lives.

All I can do is stay strong myself, so i can offer support to them i guess.

Really pleased with my recovery so far :)

Posted on:
Fri, 10/07/2009 - 17:13

ands

Joined:
2009-02-06

Hi Freda
Thanks for your post on my diary, am glad you are feeling strong still, also i am glad you enjoyed your meditation last night! you are doing so well in your recovery and you always give so much support to many of us, and i am sure i am not alone in saying thankyou for all your support, and your caring posts. gotta say it again your a sweety!!

Take care Freda xx

Posted on:
Fri, 10/07/2009 - 23:32

Steve45

Joined:
2009-07-07

Hi Freda
Thanks for the post on my diary, it really helps you keep focussed on ridding your mind and body of the gambling demon. We are not alone, ours is an illness that can only be overcome with support of those around us or suffering the same. We all choose different ways to bring it home to us how selfish and stupid we have been.

This site is absolutely the best way for me as I am conversing with like minded people.

I have read a vast number of threads on here, I was absolutely gutted when I read that one guy (Dave?) had relapsed and then stopped posting. I will be on here for quite some time as my addiction goes back 30 years. We all need help and stay strong. I do not want to post on here that I have failed and relapsed, stay strong Freda. Keep posting!

Steve
x x

Posted on:
Sat, 11/07/2009 - 07:10

ginny

Joined:
Before 2009

HI freda

hope things are going well and you are staying strong, we all can support each other here and thats what keeps me going too , have a great gamble free weekend hun

G xxx

Posted on:
Sat, 11/07/2009 - 10:45

ands

Joined:
2009-02-06

Hi Freda
Thanks for that warm, caring message (and that huge hug lol), you kinda amaze me with that inner strength you have, you inspire me as do others on this website. Im a soppy ****** but i hope you have a good weekend freda, take care and you are definitely in my thoughts. andrew xx

Posted on:
Sun, 12/07/2009 - 11:54

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

I had a great day yesterday, and found myself regularly thinking 'god, i feel really happy today'

I feel really grateful to have had an experience like that, so i have a recent memory of real happiness that doesnt involve gambling. I will remind myself of this feeling at weaker moments.

It was such a simple day out, which makes it all the better. We didnt have to spend a lot of money, or do anything special. We just went to the beach, had a game of chess in the sunshine, went for a beer, a bag of chips, then a mooch around a local flea market. Perfect!

I did think about putting £1 on the lottery last night, because for me the main problem seems to be gambling that gets an instant buzz going like scratch cards, online bingo, arcade machines etc. Half the time i put on the lottery, then forget to check the numbers! However, I just thought better safe than sorry, I'll see how i feel next week. I was concerned that if i won anything, even if it was just a tenner, that would bring the buzz back a bit. Maybe the lottery usually isnt a problem cos i hardly ever win... Im starting to understand how winning can be a bad thing if it sets you off feeling buzzing again.

Posted on:
Sun, 12/07/2009 - 12:06

Anonymous-user

Joined:
2014-10-23

Freda

I'm with you on this one. You had a great day, had a little temptation to buy that lottery ticket, but walked away from it.

Best thing you could do in my opinion so well done for that.

As you said winning even a tenner might just have pushed you back into gambling mode.

Having recently let a moment of complacency set me back I am now feeling that it's best to avoid all forms of gambling - even the £1 lottery ticket that may seem a bit of innocent fun.

Keep up the good work.
David

Posted on:
Sun, 12/07/2009 - 17:42

ginny

Joined:
Before 2009

freda im soooo happy you had such a good day!!! wow, simple things ay, dont know bout u but couldnt ever rest or settle to do things like that while i was gambling, was alwarys too worried bout the money or how much i had lost etc.

well done you on avoiding the lottery ticket to, like u say its still gambling and that £1 probably paid for your chips lol

hugs and ty for your support

G xxxxx

Posted on:
Mon, 13/07/2009 - 13:54

Sabine

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Freda
Glad you had a fab day... and it's so true.
There are so many things in life that are free or cost very little.
I glad you understand the mechanics of this addiction.
Yup, that lottory ticket could quite easily trigger the need to gamble.
Any form of gambling could. I am glad you resisted. But I am even more glad that you realise why you need to resist.(hope that makes sense)
You're having a mammoth task ahead of you if you are attempting to read all of my diary. Have fun!!!
Glad to hear that you are so much more calm then you were not so long ago.
And you are contemplating going to a G.A. meeting. That's great. Just stay safe!
ODAAT
God Bless
Charly

Posted on:
Mon, 13/07/2009 - 19:00

ands

Joined:
2009-02-06

Hi Freda

Hope you are ok, thanks so much for all your support and postings on my diary. Dont realy know what to say, your doing so very well in your recovery and you seem such a sweety. Thanks again Freda i hope things continue well for you. I be thinking of you! there are so many sweet genuine people on this site it kinda amazes me. andrew x x

Posted on:
Mon, 13/07/2009 - 19:09

deep trouble

Joined:
2009-06-21

Freda,

Thanks for your continued messages of support and well done on your continued recovery. Agree with determined dave about the lottery, I would buy 1 ticket and within 24 hours be making a fool of myself online again(if I had any money which I don't), so well done you for acknowledging the consequences.
Good luck and thankyou,
DT

Posted on:
Wed, 15/07/2009 - 18:43

ands

Joined:
2009-02-06

Hi Freda

Just wanted to thank you for all your caring supportive posts on my diary, means a lot. You always seem to give me a lot to think about too, anyway take care freda and well done on your recovery, you have alot of inner strengh and you are doing so very well. ands x x

Posted on:
Wed, 15/07/2009 - 19:13

Anonymous-user

Joined:
2014-10-23

Hi Freda

Thanks for posting on my diary.

Hope that all is going well with you this week.

Do post and let us know how you are getting on.

David

Posted on:
Wed, 15/07/2009 - 20:59

Kay P

Joined:
2009-06-13

Hi Freda,

How's things?Good I hope.I know you said some time back to everyone not to say thanks for posting on our diaries but, never having been one to do what she's told 'thanks for your post on my diary'

From your last post, you seem a million times happier and more contented than when you first wrote on here.Well done.

The debts don't go away overnight but I think once you get back to a better place in your mind, they're a whole lot easier to cope with.

Won't rant on tonight as loads of boring housework to catch up on.

Take care

Kay x

Posted on:
Thu, 16/07/2009 - 21:24

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Still gamble free.

Its been over 3 weeks now. Its easy most of the time to not gamble, the only catch is, I am now aware of all of my emotions good and bad.

As a relatively new inhabitant of reality, Im struggling to settle in...

Ive been running away from my fear of failure, and feelings of inadequacy. Ive been unable to hold a job down for years, and am afraid that I'll never be able to cope with work.

Im ok when people are polite and respectful to me, but that doesn't always happen in a workplace. Im just so raw and fragile. My self esteem is very low (i just wrote 'quite low' then decided to be honest, and corrected it). When people are rude, aggressive, or treat me like I'm stupid, I just cant cope. I either have a panic attack, or burst into tears.

I wish I could develop a thicker skin, I hate being so sensitive. I also feel too deeply for other people. When someone is hurting, I can feel their pain. Because of this, Ive become very anxious and withdrawn. I cant watch the news anymore, because it is so upsetting. I really hope that this is just depression talking, and that when Im feeling better myself, I'll be more robust.

So reality for me at the moment, is fear and vulnerability.

Im going to catch up reading everyones diaries in a couple of days. Today its too hard. I really hope that part of this is just lady hormones, lol, then I know everything will seem better in a few days.

Ive got my gambling counselling tomorrow, and will probably be a mess. Better out than in though!

Posted on:
Thu, 16/07/2009 - 21:39

Anonymous-user

Joined:
2014-10-23

Freda

Please take some comfort from me with the fact that I tell you are not unique in your feelings.

Poeple that are sensitive and totally genuine are more easily hurt by so many of the things that life can throw at us than others who have 'thicker skins'.

Many of the things you have said in your last post I can readily relate to. Yes, I too in the past have had the panic attacks and other feeilngs you mention (not through gambling related problems at that time) and I sympathise with you . I really do know what it is like - you think sometimes you are going to die.

Why when we are of that nature do we go and add more stress to our lives by gambling?

I wish I knew why?

Anyway, just wanted to say there are others who really understand.

David

Posted on:
Fri, 17/07/2009 - 10:19

ands

Joined:
2009-02-06

Hi Freda
Sorry to hear you are feeling so wobbly at the moment, you are doing so well in your recovery. Please dont be concerned with me, like all on this forum, i will get through this and so will you. You have given me so much inspiration from day 1 you gave me support on my very first time in chat, Believe me freda im very grateful to you and others on this forum. I will get in the position where i can return all the good you have given me.
Take care freda and i too will be thinking about you. ands xxx

Posted on:
Fri, 17/07/2009 - 23:40

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Feeling much better this evening. Felt very low again this morning, and made a decision not to go to my counselling session.

Its not that I am avoiding the difficult emotions that counselling brings out, but in the past when Ive felt this low, i cant seem to think rationally at all. I cant keep things in perspective, so when I start to talk about difficult issues I become very distressed and it feels overwhelming.

When I spoke to the counsellor on the phone, she said I did sound very flat and that i seem to have a very good self-awareness. She seemed to understand why its counter-productive for me to talk about my feelings when Im very low, and was happy to pick things up again next week.

So today has been a very low-key affair. Ive stopped counting the days now, but its been over 3 weeks since i gambled last.

I think im at the stage now, where the permanancy of the decision Ive made is sinking in. At first i was so preoccupied with getting through the first few days, and dealing with cravings. Now its about coming to terms with reality now the dust has settled.

Im feeling confident that one day at a time I can maintain this new lifestyle.

Posted on:
Sat, 18/07/2009 - 00:06

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Posted on:
Sat, 18/07/2009 - 10:10

deep trouble

Joined:
2009-06-21

Freda,

Your post about emotions and dealing with society really hit home hard with me. 18 months ago I was working in as a salesman with a company car, good salary, house 40k in the bank and my wife k had a gorgeous audi tt(paid for) parked outside. I felt very unhappy at work, I was bringing in 50% of the company's turnover and being treated very badly. I was waking up in the morning and crying before I went to work, but I still went, I have always worked.
One day, because of the stress I was under I had an argument with a customer, when my sales director(who was useless, old and hated me) found out, he gave me a final warning without even listening to my side of the story.
I told them I did not want to work there any more and I walked. Had 1 month paid leave at home and got another job with good salary. Started to drink/gamble a bit more in this 1 month but nothing too damaging, have always gambled, have always had a degree of debt, but not out of control.
Anyhoo, started at my new company and the sales director wanted me to cold call to new companies I did not know, whereas I had existing cutomers to bring and this was not discussed when I was employed. After 1 day I sat down with her and said i did not need to cold call or have sales training(she was sitting beside me listening), she said I did, and it was her way or the highway. I took the highway.
That was october 2007 and I have not worked since. My sometimes fragile confidence has disappeared completely in that time. In october 2007 me and my wife decided to sell our house and try a new life in spain - midlife crisis or what. We sold everything we owned, including her car and set out for some relatives of k's who live on the costa blanca. I have always had a fear of flying and cannot go on planes now, so we had to drive.
Before getting in the hire car, me and k laid on our bed in a hotel in france and cried because we did not want to go, we did not know whay we were doing. Got the hire car and I was so distressed that I could not drive, K had to drive 2200km with me sitting in the front seat shouting and screaming at traffic because I was losing the plot. When we arrived in spain i had a fear of lorries, mountains, bridges, tall buildings, u name it. Sounds stupid now but i was so distressed going over the border between france and spain that we nearly turned back, i wish we had.
Hated spain, hated kirstys relatives, was so stressed from the journey that we cried for the first 2 days solidly. We wanted our home back and we could not have it. Decided not to stay in spain after 3 days and booked into a hotel for a month to try and have a good time.
Because I knew I was going home, i had nightmares every night about mountains and bridges and could not walk around the town we were staying in because of the tall buildings.
Eventually got home, asked to stay at my parents for a few days, they weren't remotely interested, but later on when we talked to them they said they were offended we hadn't stayed, they are mental.
went to leamington spa, a town we both liked, for a break and decided to move there and start a new life.
Rented a gorgeous apartment, filled it with stuff, sky hd, etc and we were on our way. Except my confidence was so low that I found it hard to leave the flat and when I did it was only to the pub. K got part -time work and I stayed at home playing poker to pass the time and betting on the horses.
I did well to start with and we had 50k in the bank so were not too worried.
We decided I was going to give it a go as a professional gambler a life-long ambition of mine. K worked and I sat at home doing the horses.
It started well and in the first few months, i genuinely made £4000 with disciplined betting on the horses. However because I was spending so much time alone I became even more withdrawn and anxious, could not feed myself(still cant would u believe,if k was not here i think i would starve to death), and began to put on weight.
I had a few reverses on the horses and started lying about it, saying I had won when I had actually lost, i did now want K to know that I wasn't doing that well.
Everything then spiralled so quickly that it does now seem real, my stakes got higher and higher, losses were massive, I spent all our money and all the credit (38K) that I had access to in a 5 month period. I still cannot believe it happenned so quickly.
Today as you know, I am not working, cannot feed myself, am nearly 2st overweight, have no confidence at all, cannot see when I will work again and have tested my wife to the limit of any human's patience. Oh and I will probably have to go bankrupt too.
This all started because my self-esteem has been shaky and because I did not stick up for myself in a work environment, I have ended up here. I sometimes feel that I am just so oversensitive to the world around me that I do not belong in it. How does everyone else cope? I just don't know sometimes.
However this site has helped me in the last month, and i am beginning to feel positive about the future, will just have to work at it i guess, day by day.
I don't honestly know why I have told you all this freda(kirsty), but I hope it helps you that you are not alone.
I think it might be because my wife's name is kirsty too.
Good luck to you.
DT

Posted on:
Sat, 18/07/2009 - 10:13

ands

Joined:
2009-02-06

Freda, (kirsty) thats so sweet thanks xxx, dont realy know what to say. Im just pouring my whole life out on my diary, Not sure if its a good thing lol! Without being honest though i will never get the gambling out of my life for good. A post from mancity on my diary gave me alot to think about and that is how we react to situations which are differcault, they make or break us. I do hope you go to your next counselling session, from your postings you clearly have a good counsellor. Im going on tuesday for assesment in london. We can all rid our lives of gambling if we choose, its just ******g hard!! ooops sorry for swearing on your diary.
Take care ((kirsty)), hope you have a good weekend, i'll be thinking of you. andrew x

Posted on:
Sat, 18/07/2009 - 19:13

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Have spent a few hours in the company of my two brothers today, and definitely made the right decision when I decided to make them a very small part of my life.

In our family, you are expected to ignore rude, selfish and nasty behaviour. You are not meant to react at all to being treated like poo, if you do, you get your head bitten off. You are supposed to just take the abuse and keep your mouth shut.

Seeing my brothers makes me feel proud of myself, and who I am. Im so happy I am me, I would hate to be them. They have no friends, are angry all the time, are fat, lazy and selfish, and treat our parents with no respect whatsoever. The person who used to feel guilty when she was shouted at, and told she was unreasonable and annoying, is dead. In her place is someone with self-respect, who would never treat people the way her brothers do. She now sees them for what they are - nasty, selfish, controlling bullies.

Thank god I only see them about twice a year! What a pair of ******!

Posted on:
Sun, 19/07/2009 - 10:18

ands

Joined:
2009-02-06

Hi Freda (K)
Hope your ok, shouldn't laugh but your last post has made me laugh. Just the last sentence tho. and they do sound like a pair of ****** too!
Take care ands x

Posted on:
Sun, 19/07/2009 - 17:50

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Ha ha,

I know, I was getting it all off my chest wasn't I? Do you know, they expected a 4 year old and a 8 year old (mildly autistic) boy to sit silently for 20 minutes waiting for their dinner in a poncy pub, with no toys or anything to amuse themselves! Good job auntie Kirsty was there with some paper and a pen. They are such beautifully behaved little boys, and they get shouted at if they dare to make a peep. I get so annoyed when kids get told off for being normal children.

Im so glad I don't see them often. Its flippin painful biting my tongue. My eldest brother was so nasty and abusive to me when I was little, that I dont know if I'll ever recover. I say "sorry" constantly when I cry, because he told me I was a spoiled brat, who was acting like a baby to get him into trouble when I was little. He would tease me until he managed to make me cry, then laugh at me and take photos of my tantrums which was humiliating and distressing. Very disturbing considering when I was 5, he was 14 and knew exactly what he was doing.

He disgusts me.

Still gamble free after 19 ish days! Getting little temptations, just that little voice that says 'go on, just a pound!' but ignoring it successfully up to now.

Posted on:
Mon, 20/07/2009 - 08:43

Jasmine

Joined:
2009-04-23

Morning Freda,

Well done on 19 days.... that's great.

The little voice "go on have a pound".....tell the little voice to "shut up". We both know it won't stop at a pound.

Stay strong Freda

Jas x

PS...I haven't heard the word ***** used for ages....I like it....I may start using it again as I describes some people I know perfectly lol

Posted on:
Mon, 20/07/2009 - 12:14

deep trouble

Joined:
2009-06-21

Freda,

Well done on your 19 days, you are doing so well. What is it with families eh? am just realising for the first time that my dad's mental bullying has made me very unsure of myself in "adult" life, like you I am going to get counselling to deal with it and hopefully move on for good.
By the way, I knew your name wasn't freda, it sounded like a pensioner's name and your posts were too vibrant and youthful.
Take Care,
DT

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