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#1 Posted on:
Thu, 29/12/2011 - 01:08

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

For simply I know I need to give up but don't want too. I know most people start diaries when they come to some kind of conclusion, some bottom or something inside them telling them to accept and want change in there life. I feel like I am not there yet but for some reason i feel compelled to write about how I feel in the hope i might start to come around, have the penny drop. I've had all kinds of thoughts of forcing the situation but I know that's not going to work so here i am trying to work things out. This is not going to be a diary of me overcoming from the start and its likely there will be a lot of negative thoughts and resistance. I have no idea if this will just be a one off post and this rant will fall off the edge of the earth or something more might come from it. This all could be counter productive but the fact i am typing all this drivel now and willing to try is enough, enough to make me think if i keep writing I might want something more.

Posted on:
Thu, 29/12/2011 - 08:02

Ex-gambler jeff

Joined:
2009-10-05

Hi Rob

Although rob i can see you are not ready to stop gambling.Im pleased you have come to the forum.Im going to be honest with you kid i have been on here over 2 years and there have been hundreds if not thousands of people come on here in that time,taking the same stance as you,and admiting they have a gambling problem but are not ready to stop as yet.i dont know of one of those people who have managed to control their gambling.Absolute 0%.Of course i hope you can prove me wrong.Dont let your diary fall off the edge of the pages.If you feel you have a problem then,you are in the right place.I personally hope the penny does drop for you.All the best Jeff.

Posted on:
Thu, 29/12/2011 - 16:49

.

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Rob,

Like Jeff said, I really hope that you can keep this diary going and stay away from gambling.
Try reading some of the recovery diaries on here, to see just where gambling can take you.

Far better for you to start posting your thoughts now, rather than in a couple of years when you've most probably lost a few grand.

Cheers

Ade

Posted on:
Thu, 29/12/2011 - 19:57

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

Thanks for the feedback Jeff and Ade, I will certainly been keeping the diary going. I know from the diaries and the chat which I have been going to on and off for the past 18 months the depths of despair gambling can take you.

I was playing with the thought of trying to force a bottom which now seems ridiculous but seemed a reasonable idea last night, thankfully I didn't act on it. I thought if I had nothing and nowhere else to go I might start helping myself. I have hit some lows maybe not rock bottom but enough to know its not pleasant and its best to come out fighting before that happens so onwards with my diary.

I had a bet today, I know not the best of starts. Not only that but I am a hypocrite. It was a "free bet". We all know there is no such thing, in fact I posted on someone thread saying as much, I would do well to heed my own warning before dishing out the advice.

I can set a reasonable goal of not betting tomorrow knowing I have reduced means of gambling until the new year due to me staying with friends (all the computers are blocked and I will be handing over my money). Cliche as it sounds it would be nice to see the new year from here without a bet.

Tomorrow seeing as its quiet at work I can give you more of my story, so if anyone is having trouble sleeping your solution is on its way.

Rob

Posted on:
Thu, 29/12/2011 - 21:55

.

Joined:
Before 2009

'One day at a time' is enough for starters Rob.

And if needed 'one hour at a time'.

Don't beat yourself up to much about any slips that happen, and don't set too big a target.

Just get through 'One day at a time' in isolation. Tomorrow will be dealt with when it arrives.

Keep strong

Ade

Posted on:
Fri, 30/12/2011 - 10:50

Anonymous-user

Joined:
2014-10-23

You already know that gambling really does not work as you have experienced all the lows and rock bottoms that gambling WILL cause.

And there is no such thing as a free bet. Free bets will only lead to more misery.

Keep your diary going and don't forget to read others' diaries to confirm why none of us on here should gamble ever again.

All the very best.
GT

Posted on:
Fri, 30/12/2011 - 19:38

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

I was hoping to go more into my story but I am going out shortly and was unexpectedly busy at work. Overall a good day so far and no gambling so the bit of money I have left will more than see me through to my next pay day.

Going out to the pub later to meet with friends, used to be a massive fruit machine player in the pubs not so anymore, mostly online when I do gamble now. I used to spend hours on the things instead of enjoying the company of my friends.

Thats one thing I seem to have cracked, when I go out now I don't play the machines long as I have friends there. The knowledge of them kicking my a**e helps but even now the urges in the pub are minimum to none. Before it was too much of a pull and I would spend the night glued to them. Would be nice to replicate that to my gambling in general.

Tomorrow I travel (around 150 miles) and that means motorways and that means service stations. Another big draw for me were the fruit machines in service stations as I traveled a lot with previous jobs and I could spend half a day in there easy. Basically my plan of attack is not to stop. I will pee in a bottle if I have too, don't worry I will pull over first :)

Posted on:
Fri, 30/12/2011 - 20:11

RCG

Joined:
2010-12-17

"I have been on here over 2 years and there have been hundreds if not thousands of people come on here in that time,taking the same stance as you,and admiting they have a gambling problem but are not ready to stop as yet.i dont know of one of those people who have managed to control their gambling.Absolute 0%."

Not true Ex-Gambler Jeff! Read this entire diary and here is a man who is a true hero. I agree that 99% of us slip at least once but that is the curse of our addiction. The journey is a long and winding road. The most important thing is that we reach our final destination.

http://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/index.php?tid=180809

Posted on:
Fri, 30/12/2011 - 20:28

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

keep posting Rob...one day at a time...my diary has been what has got me through dark days this xmas....sometimes i write in answer to others posts on it but most of the time i write it as a conversation with myself...its the stuff that whizzes round my head when like you im driving huge distances...only an idea..but i have an ipad2..i take it with me everywhere and especially in the car as i work a huge territory with my job...when your at the services ,petrol etc why not pull over to a quiet spot and write your feelings down ..exactly how you feel at that point...no holds barred..later down the line it may give you some idea of what is triggering those urges ..I have a contract with 3G for around 35 a month and the ipad was around 278 with the contract.
If you have one ..or similar...great...i have a mini keyboard with mine.
I literally can pull into a lay-by and get an immediate signal...just a thought..but it works for me...xxx keep posting xx keeps me connected up and down ...M6/M1/M5/M42 xxx

Posted on:
Mon, 02/01/2012 - 22:27

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

This will be my last post. I shall explain:

Back from my trip away and the motorways have been safely navigated without any fruit machine action but without a strange encounter it might of been different.

Drove straight through on the way there but but on the way back started toying with the idea of stopping off and having a gamble on the old fruities. I also needed the toilet, number 2, well that's decide I thought to myself, I must stop now.

By the time I got to the services I had my gambling head well and truly on. Soon as I got to the services and left the car some guy asked me if I would give him a lift, said his van broke down and needed a lift to the next junction down and about a 10 minute drive from there.I didn't really think through the situation as my head was in another world and just agreed to his demand.

Seeing as I didn't want to keep this guy waiting a couple of hours I go to the toilet and leave the fruit machines untouched. I meet back up with this guy who has been hovering around my car waiting for my return. So he got into my car and we started driving, after a couple of minutes my brain started to kick into gear.

What the hell am I doing with this bloke, I didn't fully believe this line about his van breaking down. Soon as I started to question him more about his breakdown situation the clearer it became he was lying. Now I am starting to get nervous, what dark lane is he going to direct me down and how many people are going to hog tie and rape me. So I am making small talk trying my best to convince myself I only have a liar and not a murdering psychopathic lair. I start to ask where exactly are we going and he won't tell me, just that we are not far and he will give directions. Now I notice the way he is holding the phone, he is only recording us talking. By now he is saying not long to go, nearly there. I am thinking just pop the seat belt off and hit the brakes if he starts anything else. Thing is I just keep on going as normal,or trying to act normal and carry on the small talk. No confronting him about voice recording everything or where exactly we are going. Just hoping he is just a bit weird and that we are close to his destination which will be well lit and in public. Sure enough we come into a town centre and he asks me to pull over into a lay-by. He thanks me, goes to shake my hand which I duly do, say goodbye and pull away.

Driving away I am in two minds, did I just have a lucky escape or I was making a big deal out of nothing. Either way If I was thinking clearly and didn't have my gambling goggles on there is no way I would of gotten myself into this situation.

Writing all this now isn't helping me stop gambling, not even the fear I experienced at the time is enough to make me really question myself and say STOP.

Will I ever stop, will I ever really deep down want too stop? I have no idea. In the meantime I see little reason to carry on this diary and have you good people try and encourage me as its falling on deaf ears.

Posted on:
Mon, 02/01/2012 - 22:35

elizabeth40

Joined:
2011-10-08

So you just throw in the towel just like that .
Rob you havent even tried.
When are you going to stop when youve lost everything you ever cared about,your home your life what is really going to make you stop.
At least if you try on here you could put the brakes on something that can you destroy you.
Its your choice and your life but dont give up just like that.
Exx

Posted on:
Tue, 03/01/2012 - 04:48

Wanna stop

Joined:
2011-12-04

Sounds like next time you'll need to number 2 in a bottle too LOL...don't hesitate to come back here when you ARE ready...you will be welcomed and supported.

Posted on:
Tue, 03/01/2012 - 17:31

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

On reflection I have decided to keep the diary going. No gambling today and since last Thursday.Time will show my true colours.

Posted on:
Tue, 03/01/2012 - 21:32

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

There are times when I am just a **** human being. I am not nice to be around at times and its starting to happen too often. I am withdrawn, moody, judgmental and at times just plain nasty.

I work with computers and a big part of my job is to help out in the meeting rooms. I carry a mobile as I need to answer and respond to problems in the meeting rooms very promptly. First call I get I just ignore and leave it to voicemail. Go away I say to myself, I am playing online pool (not for money btw). The phone rings once more, again I can't be bothered so just leave it to voicemail. By now I imagine the people in the meeting room are getting a bit mad and call my boss. Boss comes in susses out I am in a foul mood, stares at me and says "DON'T. Go up to meeting room 14.NOW!!"

So I go up to a less than happy customer:
Me "Yeah whats wrong".
Customer "the board is out of alignment" the look of disgust they gave me makes my blood boil
Jesus I thought, you are bothering me for this?? I take the whole of 10 seconds to realign and then crash there work so everything is lost. HA f*** you. sailed your c*** to f*** you town and f***** you in the a** good.
Customer "you just lost everything!!"
Me "Sorry, the board is aligned now, bye"

I leave the room actually happy I destroyed there hard work. I mean whats wrong with me? You may say these cries for attention/help are getting sick but even still, a part of me just plain enjoyed it. Thinking about it now I still smile to myself saying that was awesome when its clear, this is not the behavior of an adult but a spoiled little child throwing tantrums.

I am not like this all the time and alot of the time I believe I am good person. But I need to ask myself, do I want to finally grow up and start taking some responsibility for my life? I think some of the core reasons why I gamble are rooted here.

Posted on:
Tue, 03/01/2012 - 23:49

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

This is how my mind has been working tonight:

I hate new years resolutions I always break them. Every year for the past god knows how long, oh yeah this is the year it will be different and it never is. If I break now at least I've got the first bet of 2012 out of the way. I mean its likely it will happen somewhere down the road of this year, might as well get it over with now and not worry about any of this new year rubbish.

I am hoping in writing that I can see the stupidity of this kind of thinking and fight off any urges.

Posted on:
Thu, 05/01/2012 - 01:45

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

Another day gone and no gambling but that's pretty typical of where I am at the moment. I gamble less days than I do but the days I do gamble can cause me a lot of financial damage.

After a while you can start to pick up on patterns you fall into and keep repeating. I know the next stage will be self-pity followed by self-destruction which will lead nicely into my next bet.

Good news is I have some awareness and that should give me enough time to put blocks in place. Bad news is I don't and I keep punishing myself, why? Why do I feel so bad about myself and why can't I give myself a break?

Posted on:
Thu, 05/01/2012 - 17:35

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

Feel lousy. Questioning why I am doing this diary again.

I have been reading other peoples diaries. To be honest I don't get much from them, also I don't feel a need to post anything of encouragement or insight because I have neither. I don't care about the person behind the diary not really, I am very selfish. So if that's the case why should anyone care about what I write? If anyone does post in my diary I don't get any encouragement from it and I don’t know how to reply to them so I don’t. The whole point of this place is for people to support each other, if I am not willing to do that what chance do I have of beating this addiction. I am trying to do this all by myself, I don’t look for help from my family. I need to start asking for and accepting help before it’s too late.

Posted on:
Thu, 05/01/2012 - 17:46

elizabeth40

Joined:
2011-10-08

Why do you feel the need to be so in control of your emotions.
Your right we are here to be encouraged and give support to each other.
So why are you determined to not allow your self to feel???
Just because you are selfish dosent mean that we are and we will keep on supporting and encourageing you.
Do you see it as some form of weakness asking for help??It dosent matter how strong you think you are we all need to ask for help from time to time.
Exx

Posted on:
Fri, 06/01/2012 - 22:25

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

"Why do you feel the need to be so in control of your emotions."
"So why are you determined to not allow your self to feel???"

This has always been an issue for me. I rarely get emotional. I am 36 and have never been in love, or maybe I have just not allowed myself open to that kind of emotion.

Something happened today that should of prompted some kind of emotional response but again nothing, I mean this was something truly awful that would most likely upset and really hurt most people. I just don't allow feelings to surface for whatever reason.

No surprises what I use gambling for. Saying that I just can't bring myself to gamble tonight. Something else has to give.

Posted on:
Fri, 06/01/2012 - 22:34

elizabeth40

Joined:
2011-10-08

I think you need to start getting those emotions up to the surface and you would probably need some sort of help to do that.
If you dont start tuning into these feelings youve buried your going to struggle to kick this addiction.
I always feel im quite harsh when i post to you but i also get the feeling it dosent bother you.
But you didnt gamble today so thats a step in the right direction.
Ex

Posted on:
Fri, 06/01/2012 - 22:44

volcano

Joined:
2010-07-05

Hello Robf, glad you've decided to hang around at least for now. We're all fairly unique so entirely up to you whether you want to post, support, ignore.. whatever!

We're all faceless cyberdoods and worth a try in unleashing some deep lying thoughts and figure out whether these diary's are for you or continue in your pattern( make sense )

Anyways quite enjoy you're posts and if anything even if selfish i'm getting something out of it!

Posted on:
Sat, 07/01/2012 - 22:53

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

Something about my last post bothered me and it kept eating away at me and I just worked it out.

I AM 35 NOT 36. Would like that year back please.

Elizabeth your comments have been helpful, wow big shock I have to revise my previous stance on this diary.

Paul if you get anything from this diary, well words fail me but, um, thats nice.

Thanks :)

Posted on:
Sun, 08/01/2012 - 00:25

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

I am not going to be scared anymore. Scared of where this diary or my thoughts might take me. I am ready now. I want change. I want something more in my life that's been so lacking for so long its made me so unhappy. Enough.

Wanted to share this poem by Charles Bukowski:

old grey-haired waitresses
in cafes at night
have given it up,
and as I walk down sidewalks of
light and look into windows
of nursing homes
I can see that it is no longer
with them.
I see people sitting on park benches
and I can see by the way they
sit and look
that it is gone.

I see people driving cars
and I see by the way
they drive their cars
that they neither love nor are
loved-
nor do they consider
sex. it is all forgotten
like an old movie.

I see people in department stores and
supermarkets
walking down aisles
buying things
and I can see by the way their clothing
fits them and by the way they walk
and by their faces and their eyes
that they care for nothing
and that nothing cares
for them.

I can see a hundred people a day
who have given up
entirely.

if I go to a racetrack
or a sporting event
I can see thousands
that feel for nothing or
no one
and get no feeling
back.

everywhere I see those who
crave nothing but
food,shelter, and
clothing; they concentraate
on that
dreamlessly.

I do not understand why these people do not
vanish
I do not understand why these people do not
expire
why the clouds
do not murder them
or why the dogs
do not murder them
or why the flowers and the children
do not murder them,
I do not understand

I suppose they are murdered
yet I can't adjust to the
fact of them
because they are so
many.

each day
each night,
there are more of them
in the subways and
in the buildings and
in the parks

they feel no terror
at not loving
or at not
being loved

so many many many
of my fellow
creatures.

--Charles Bukowski

Posted on:
Sun, 08/01/2012 - 01:11

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

"So it"s always a process of letting go..one way or another".............."What matters most is how well you walk through the fire"

Charles Bukowski.

Keep posting Robf...keep wanting that change...

Posted on:
Mon, 09/01/2012 - 17:53

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

Walking through fire would be more than welcome at the moment, feel like I am walking through treacle at the moment.

Been thinking about telling my parents about my gambling more, they have known I have had issues and think I have everything cracked and don't know its never really gone away and is still a big issue. I know it never feels like a good time but it really isn't. The timing would be wrong to land this on them at the moment due to a family bereavement, my mum especially is heartbroken and I need to try and be strong and supportive for once.

In the meantime I Will need to come here and try and unload. I did used to go to GA meetings and its something I am really considering taking up again. I really didn't enjoy the last few meeting I went to but that was nearly two years ago, likely to have a lot of new faces so it could be totally different. Worst case is I hate it again but its only two hours out of my week. I find it hard to let go and get my feelings out, meetings are one of the few times I have managed to do that. Bit of a no brainer really. Next one in my area is tomorrow.

Posted on:
Mon, 09/01/2012 - 18:01

elizabeth40

Joined:
2011-10-08

It is scary to face feelings youve buried deep there was a reason you did that but sometimes you have to drag them back up and deal with them,once you start doing that they cant hurt you anymore.
Im pleased you are still posting and if you feel you cant tell anyone else at the moment then we can try and support you as best we can.
Best wishes.
Ex

Posted on:
Mon, 09/01/2012 - 18:12

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

keep unloading on here Rob until the timing is better at home..im getting good support from my recovery meeting...sometimes some new members can alter the dynamics a bit. keep posting ..better out than in ...Rach n Dot

Posted on:
Mon, 09/01/2012 - 18:36

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

Thanks Elizabeth and Dotty, appreciate you being around and posting on my diary, it helps. Feel embarrassed about the previous comments I made about this place doesn't help and I don't get anything. I think it was just me putting up walls and trying to keep people out and at a distance. Trying to chip away at them, not going to be an overnight process but I am in this for the long haul.

Posted on:
Mon, 09/01/2012 - 23:34

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

don't worry Rob..I sometimes look back at my posts from 4 months ago and cringe at how angry I was..I was going to delete them but its a good reminder for me to see how far I have come by just getting stuff out on here.
Talk about "moving in mysterious ways"...I got on here to rant about my bloke being a CG who wont admit and find out about the compulsion..... 4 months down the line we have split up,on my diary most of my support comes from people in recovery (plus some great supporters) and i myself attend 12 step meetings because I have been using alcohol to surpress anger....!!! ...just goes to show you never know whats round the corner...keep posting Rob...taking those bricks down in your own time....Rach and Dot (Dots my dog )

Posted on:
Tue, 10/01/2012 - 16:17

elizabeth40

Joined:
2011-10-08

Dont ever apologise or be embarrassed about what you write on your diary.its your diary and you put down whatever you feel or dont feel as the case may be.Mines full of waffle and things i should probably keep to myself.lol.
Dosent matter how long it takes for the wall to come down if your not used to writing/talking about how you feel it can be very uncomfortable.As dotty says one brick at a time.
Your doing just fine :0)
Stay Strong and be positive.
Ex

Posted on:
Fri, 13/01/2012 - 20:45

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

Not posted for a few days.

A couple of days ago at work I broke down and cried. It was all brought on by a woman who was having problems with her laptop and a combination of frustration at the wonders of modern technology and personal circumstances with her dad upset her, this in turn upset me. I quickly found shelter in the toilets. Couldn't face anyone see me cry. Strange how emotion can sneak up on you, my Grandma passed away last Friday and I have seen my mum and family so upset but I haven't let out any emotion but this one scene leaves me a wreck.

I haven't told anyone at work of my family bereavement which is just plain stupid thinking about it now, I have just booked the day of the funeral as a holiday.

Far as thoughts of gambling they have been few and far between. With a combination of Christmas and a gambling binge as the lump of coal in my stocking I am low on cash. The thought crossed my mind to go win some. HA as if that would work, I batted that idiotic thought away. Will just have to make do with what I have got. Simply I will not have money worries if I don't gamble, I will have all the money I need.

I am starting to formulate plans again, my current situation is I am living with parents. Been with them for the past year and a half, originally this was a combination of my relationship breaking down and trying to pay off debts. I setup a debt management last year and have been paying every month and if I just met the minimum payment I have setup will have all my debt cleared next year. I reckon if I didn't gamble last year it would be close to paid off because I have a fair amount of spare cash after the little outgoings I pay out. I could be looking forward to moving out this year into my own place. That was the original plan.

I shouldn't get too hooked up with what I should of and could of done. Just need to look ahead. First I need to get through my next payday.

Posted on:
Fri, 13/01/2012 - 22:01

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

Hi Rob...an emotional week for you and am so glad you have posted your thoughts and feelings on here so honestly.
Please accept my condolences on the bereavement of your grandmother and i'm sure your family are busy with all the planning etc.It is ok for you to feel upset and let it out and your diary is a safe way to get it all out to people who understand all things human.
Great news on not gambling despite having an urge and also in looking to your future..its great to have goals and you seem to have put a lot in place to clear debt....remember to take time out to smell the flowers too as they say....
I noticed you like poetry...I too am greatly comforted by things artistic and creative and in times of stress I retreat into books,film,music and the arts ..i love anything that expresses the human condition in a better way than I can...take care Rob...your doing great.I understand you will feel you have to keep it all together with your parents this week but if you need to..just post on here anything you feel or think..i shall be looking out for you ...take care ...Rach and Dotty

Posted on:
Sat, 14/01/2012 - 10:23

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

Thanks for your post Rob..and for reading my diary...your absolutely right...its about being yourself and stripping away all thats not real and living simply. Thats whats brought me back to life...i'm following your diary and like me you have had some up and down days but we can see some light now and are going in the right direction....keep posting ...Rach and Dotty ...wuff wuff ...xx

Posted on:
Sat, 14/01/2012 - 12:13

elizabeth40

Joined:
2011-10-08

Hi Rob,
Sorry about your grandmother,I know you feel you have to be strong for your parents but it might not do any harm to allow them to see your pain as well.This could be a stepping stone to you dealing with the control you have on your feelings and allowing them to come to the surface.Nothing wrong having a cry it always makes me feel better i think you need to do more of it.:0)
Rachels right strip away all the cr** and get back to basics its amazing how when you start living simply how much better things are.

Coulda ,shoulda,woulda dont even go there its not worth the energy.

Stay Strong hun be positive.
E x

Posted on:
Wed, 18/01/2012 - 16:28

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

Hiya Rob..just popping in...I inow you've had a tough week or so with family etc...don't go missing too long...let us know how you are...the good the bad the ugly ....take care Rach and Dotty x

Posted on:
Wed, 18/01/2012 - 22:54

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

Nearly a week has gone since I last posted and I am still gamble free. Feel emotionally drained to the point where I have come on here but not managed to write anything. Also I am sick at the moment with tonsillitis which has knocked me out physically.

Whenever I write anything on here alot of the time it takes ages. I constantly go back and read and edit and change things. There is never a flow of thought or feeling and everything has to be in its right place. I am still scared of letting go and letting whatever comes out on the screen stay there in all its glory. I don't think its helping me and its been pretty typical of the last 15 years or so. Even now I am close to deleting everything here, switching off the laptop and not worry about what I have to write in my stupid diary.

Posted on:
Thu, 19/01/2012 - 16:33

elizabeth40

Joined:
2011-10-08

Hey Hun,
was starting to wonder if youd left us.
Being in control of everything including your feelings is not an easy thing to let go off it will take time as all things do to feel comfortable enough to let words/feelings flow and not feel the need to change it.

The main thing is your still gamble free and thats great keep up the good work.

Hope you feel better soon:0)

Stay Strong and Positive
E x

Posted on:
Thu, 19/01/2012 - 17:09

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

Hi Rob..good to see you back on here..if it helps I am forever deleting stuff on my diary.I use mine mainly as an internal dialogue with myself and if anyone reads it then its a bonus..sometimes the act of writing down can be just enough and its about getting it out.There is no expectation on you here.The great news is we are all anonymous all around the world in some cases .....
As Elizabeth says ....you are gamble free..what ever it takes to stay strong ...I have to go to any lengths to stay on an even keel and the diary for me is a big part of that...we are all different for sure...keep wrapped up...Rach and Dotty Xx wuff

Posted on:
Sun, 22/01/2012 - 22:07

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

Depressed. Depressed at the state of my life and my lack of wanting to change and have anything better. I am in self-destruct mode and we all know where that leads. Not that I have any physical money to gamble at the moment but feel if I did I would dive in head first, not just head first but from the top of the diving platform and dive in aka Peter Kay/John Smiths style. I am actually pleased I am skint but what happens when I am not. It feels like nothing has changed really. Its like I am on a temporary reprieve.

I feel like I haven't lived and haven't experienced anything 'normal' people experience. I feel its all past me by. I try and console myself and say I have to make the best of what I have now but what I have now is so much less, time does diminish us all in soul and body.Our younger years are our prime, some may try and argue and say differently but they are wrong.

So I have the scraps and the leftovers of my chewed up life, this is it. Just a pile of bones sucked dry by a dirty dog sniffing its own a** and balls. But I will wake up in the morning and go to work as normal and smile and nod and do my job as normal, make small talk and pretend everything is OK as normal.

Posted on:
Mon, 23/01/2012 - 15:38

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

HI Rob...yep you do sound down but don't forget ,gambling aside,you have had a tough few weeks with your family bereavement and i'm sure the mood has been quite low with people grieving especially with you also living at home.
You say that not gambling due to you being skint and having a temporary reprieve...thats pretty much the same for us all no matter what demons we have... .we have a daily reprieve...but all those days add up!

Your still doing good... one day at a time ..thats all you have to do...

I may not know too much about the nuts and bolts of gambling being from the other side but I do know depression.
Its taken me to my 40's to learn to be myself as I spent the first part of my life being what everyone else wanted me to be,thats what caused my depression and I was a ball of rage inside wearing a mask everyday.
Do you get identification from reading other CG's posts or diaries on here? maybe post some more if you read something you can relate to...just don't isolate yourself.

Do you think you would benefit from seeing a GP?

I know that going into work really helps me no matter how much I think I can't face it....it brings me out of myself and out of my head and I get that reprieve you talk about...
Keep posting Rob...don't isolate ..keep connected with the people in recovery on here....they know how you feel and can help.. Take what you like and leave the rest...no one will tell you what to do ..keep posting Rob ....take care ...

Posted on:
Tue, 24/01/2012 - 22:00

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

WHAM, its just come to me now. I am gonna try and stop being such a p****Y. I mean whats wrong with me, you would think I was dying from cancer or something. Gonna lighten up and have a bit of fun.

Posted on:
Tue, 24/01/2012 - 22:08

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

Brilliant...!!...somethings shifted in your thinking Rob.....good on ya.......keep posting...x.

Posted on:
Thu, 26/01/2012 - 00:00

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

Feel at least a 100% better than a couple of days ago. I am cutting myself a bit more slack, I am far from getting to where I want to be but its been a crazy month. Nearly a month under my belt with no gambling and need to acknowledge that process and feel some of the fog is beginning to clear.

Actually starting to want things and enjoyment again. Formulating a whole bunch of stuff I want to do, some that requires money but all of it time. Gambling is a great time killer, it freezes you in time while life carries on rushing past. I think this was some of the reasons of the feelings I had earlier this week that life has gone. Its far from gone.

Have to be careful though, keep things small and not rush things, know I have pay day on Friday. Normally within a couple of days of getting paid I am hitting the gambling. Don't want this to happen. Fact I feel its time now to include my parents and hand over financial control for awhile. Think I will have that talk tomorrow with them. Although I feel fairly confident I will not gamble, I also know I felt confident before and its not stopped me. I don't want anything taken to chance this time. I want change.

Posted on:
Fri, 27/01/2012 - 18:01

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

The below is all made up but its something I wanted to post anyway because I think about doing things like this a lot.

Meltdown. Everything is now seriously f***** up. The chat with the parents went horrible. I then went into nuclear explosion mode and have lost my job for something that I might even be charged and arrested for. Have now deposited and lost 700 quid of my wage today. All I want to do now is go even further and have everyone hate me, have nothing and get myself in a situation I have no way back from. f*** it.

So back to reality, no chat with the parents. Haven't got the guts for it. I have been paid and I have no means apart from will power to stop myself from gambling. The sirens are calling and they want to turn me into a toad but I could already be one as I have no walk.

Posted on:
Fri, 27/01/2012 - 18:25

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

..thing is Rob ..everyone has self destructive thoughts..it's whether you act on them or not and your not so that makes all the difference and your still gamble free.
My feeling is that you are someone who wants a different life from the one you are living....you can..

Why not make that first step and come clean your folks......

Posted on:
Sun, 29/01/2012 - 00:14

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

Drunnk, should I post stuff when drink who knows guess shall know medorning. hyeah, like i love drinking its ******g great. better than gambling. if i had to give up one its obbviously gambling its like crp compard to drikning. i ******g love it. anytay doing well. chill out my hdudes and bithces. yeah.

Posted on:
Sun, 29/01/2012 - 00:31

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

hey Rob..get some shut eye....been there myself,,you've said nothing bad hun...can always delete your post in the morning..take care and drink some water!!

Posted on:
Sun, 29/01/2012 - 14:12

Anonymous-user

Joined:
2014-10-23

You scared me mate with that made up post of yours. I have already read about three blips in the last couple of days and could not cope with another one.

It does go to show the massive contrasts in the life of someone who has suffered a major blip and someone who has had a good day.

Don't ever turn this made up story into a true one, will you?

And how's your head this morning?!

GT

Posted on:
Sun, 29/01/2012 - 17:23

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

Sorry to scare you, I have a real self destructive side so I have these kind of thoughts playing about in my head all the time, sometimes its good to get them out before they explode.

Had a bit of a blown last night as per my last post but only with the booze, decided to treat myself and get some good whiskey as Talisker was on special offer :) Head felt fine this morning.

Will be happy to see the next check in date and get this month over with, payday loan I took out has been cleared off now but leaving me lacking in money but glad its out the way plus the less money I have the less likely I feel to gamble. 24 hours and I have navigated payday weekend which is usually when I go loopy and blow all my money as I always feel I have loads of money and can splash out a bit. Hence why I decided on the good whiskey last night even though I can't really afford it, felt good to treat myself without resorting to gambling. Not that I am planning on swapping addictions but I like a little tipple at the weekend.

Posted on:
Sun, 29/01/2012 - 17:35

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

...hiya Rob...just popping in before I go to meeting to say glad your heads ok...
Absolutely right about getting those thoughts out before they explode....I am the biggest advocate of that....have a good evening and glad your ok..keep posting..keep in the now...

Posted on:
Thu, 02/02/2012 - 23:35

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

gone.

anyone who read that don't worry I will be OK.

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