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Posted on:
Sun, 17/06/2018 - 16:51

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Afternoon Duncan,

Honest, powerful and a heart wrenching read over the last few days

Sir, I salute you

Posted on:
Sun, 17/06/2018 - 17:17

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

I echo Bal above.
As always, your honesty draws me in. I caught up on a few of your recent posts and ended up having to rush to get ready for work! All good wishes x

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 10:03

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning diary
Balance and little miss lost I am truly humbled by your kind words, I believe that through writing I am able to let go, to learn and move on.
So I moved back home and did what I have done my entire life, threw myself at work and grafted non stop until the debt I had created was paid up.
A clean slate?? To punish myself? Maybe both.
I used to think the answer to depression and how to deal with it best was to grow a thicker skin, I believe that I was wrong, I have dealt with my depression by peeling all the skins back, by digging deep.
I have thought long and hard about depression and addiction, how they interlock with each other, from that I believe that feeding addiction has been a coping mechanism at times but I equally believe that I am a gambling addict because that's the way I am wired, in fact addiction comes easily for me, it always has.
Today I believe that I am learning to be comfortable within my own skin, to be honest, to be able to have an opinion, to understand the power in the responsibility of that power.
I am without doubt less of a short fuse, I am finding measure.
Life with addiction today feels like this.
I am one side of a gate, addiction is on the other, from time to time addiction opens the gate and shows me an amazing view, goads me, pleads with my inner mind to take the step through the gate.
The thing is I know that yes the view is a beautiful picture but it has no footings, I would be walking off a cliff top.
For the rest of my life that gate will be present, I have a choice, sometimes that choice will be tough and testing, but the reward for continued abstinence is far greater than any win at any odds.
I am alive and want to live.
I left a part of my life at that level crossing, that was my fear.
Fourteen days hard graft at the pub from today, then the new head chef starts so I will be able to go back to a few days cooking and a few days labouring because that works for me.
Today I have a choice.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 12:12

robf

Joined:
2010-04-29

Duncs,

The past few posts from your diary are everything that this site and recovery should be about, thank you for sharing so honestly and with courage.

Rob

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 15:44

cardhue

Joined:
2013-01-18

Yeah i like that. Don’t fight what’s in front of you. Don’t try to make it vanish cos you can’t.

But it’s always your choice to act or not (to walk to through the gate).

Don’t strive for getting rid, transform your relationship with it.

all the best Duncan  

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 18:29

Maria675

Joined:
2017-12-23

Please someone help me I’ve never felt so low and totally discussed in myself 

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 18:36

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hello Maria

You sound very down on yourself. Why not give us a call on the HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 and talk it through? If you don't feel up to talking on the phone you can also chat to us on the NetLine. If you'd rather get support from others going through similar experiences, why not put an introduction post in the New Member Introductions section of the forum? 

You can see from Duncanmac's story that even when things feel so low, recovery is possible. Things can get better, and you are not alone. 

Keep posting,

Deirdre 
Forum Admin

Posted on:
Thu, 21/06/2018 - 08:46

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning diary
Cardhue thanks for popping by, you have been here a while and talk a great deal of sense.
Maria675, help begins with you helping yourself.
Forum admin, not often have you posted upon my thread in the six years and I felt like the kid standing outside the headmasters office again, but alas you were offering support where it was needed, keep up the good work!!
So dear diary I have 11days of shifts to go, I implemented a new menu yesterday, well more of a tweek of the old menu in truth so I will be able to keep myself busy and entertained until the new head chef starts on the 2nd,then I am going to treat myself to a few days off, four hours of tattooing on the 3rd to continue with the rest of my sleeve and some r and r.
Sarah has her last day of work within education today, she is quite emotional this morning and yesterday some of the senior management team asked her to reconsider her choice to leave.
For me it's a little to late and I believe that the job she starts in a weeks time within retail will allow her such a more forfilling life with a greater amount of choice for her to do things of her own choice.
And selfishly we will get so much more time for holidays outside the school calendar.
I am so very proud of what she has achieved in the twelve years she has worked, gone from cleaning to being a very competent lsa and accepted with grace all the changes that academy schooling has brought.
So tomorrow will see the page turned, a new chapter to begin.
I feel very calm this week, yesterday saw another successful stock take at the pub, since my involvement last August the stock results have been better than expected every month and on average higher than they ever were before I started so the owners are happy and again asked for me to remain a part of the kitchen team, I agreed to what suits me, three days cooking is enough, I have labouring booked for three weeks time and really enjoy what it gifts my life, so I will do what is actually best for me, in return the folk around me will benefit to boot.
I accept responsibility for my own life, I am happy to take into account what is actually the best actions for me.
I am wholly better as a person as a result.
A great deal of water passed under the bridge before I learned that I have a right to look after myself first.
I know how powerful it is to have been given the opportunity.
Addiction wants to take the reigns.
For now it can carry the bucket and pick up the +s#i*t!!!
I will enjoy returning the favour, I did the same for more than twenty years.
Today I have a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Thu, 21/06/2018 - 10:55

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

A lovely post there Duncan. Positivity all the way. I would not excpect anthing else from you really. Congratulations and good luck to Sarah and yourself on the vocational fronts. I wish you both and your family all the success and happiness that your hard work merits. Markman

Posted on:
Sat, 23/06/2018 - 00:12

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Dear diary.
Markman fella your words humble me greatly, we have been on this journey side by side for a long time now and I believe that we have learnt a great deal.
So today marks one year of abstinence, a year ago today I was totally lost, broken beyond words, if circumstances had been different I would today be just a statistic, a loss to life through depression, depression which was fueled through hiding from it, addiction loves that, it loves to isolate you, it wants you to dance to its tune and nothing else.
I couldn't see a way to live with any prospects, I just wrote myself off.
Today I am humbled by the opportunity to live a very different life, yes I take medication to create a balance but that medication doesn't impede my thinking, it equally doesn't numb the pain life dishes up at times, it simply allows me to process my thoughts without everything creating a sense of despair.
Today I understand myself better, I can live with the dark days, I can ride the internal storms because I know that the outcome will be days filled with inner calm.
I haven't considered suicide as a life choice for a while now, it used to dominate my inner mind.
Today I feel safe, that's enough.
Sarah made a choice 352 days ago, one which had a profound effect upon my life, it hasn't been plain sailing, we have had to navigate sum stormy situations but the result is a better quality of life.
Communication has been a huge contending factor.
However low you feel, somebody will accept your situation and unconditionally understand.
Never give up on giving up.
Today I understand those words.
Today I dedicate my life to living a better life.
It's there for everyone.
Please take it.
Most of all enjoy it.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Sat, 23/06/2018 - 02:25

bluescreen

Joined:
2018-03-13

Congratulations, duncanmac.

I'm usually not counting the days. It doesn't matter really, it's always just that one poor decision that has to be avoided at all costs.

But still, well done. Your story really humbles me and I am honestly happy for you reaching this milestone. I really mean it. I am pleased that you showed addiction the door. Good riddance! Keep it up, today, tomorrow and next year. No matter what life throws at us - it can be handled. We have to appreciate what we have and take life as it comes.

Thank you for being you and wishing you and yours all the best. :)

Posted on:
Sat, 23/06/2018 - 11:09

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Congratulation on a wonderful achievement. 

A full year without a bet during which time you have developed as a person, learnt about your self and embraced opportunities. You have shown love, consideration and compassion to your family, friends and work colleagues whilst offering support and encouragement to those around you.

I raise my glass to Duncan, a stalwart of the diaries and a true gamcare warrior. 

Posted on:
Thu, 28/06/2018 - 05:19

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning diary
Thanks blue screen, Stephen for your kind words they are truly humbling.
So I processed a great deal of thoughts over the past few weeks, reliving the days that led me to believe that my life had become something with so little value that I would have committed suicide.
Through doing so I have left the part of my inner self at that railway track, that part of my life will be a memory, a fact that defined the way I will live the rest of my life.
It's been a hard week at the pub, the hot weather has brought folk out and couple that with the fact that the pub in the next village is undergoing a refurbishment we have been really busy, I am producing some of the most exciting food I have cooked in a long time, I am really enjoying the moment. The reason??
I guess I am laying down the gauntlet for the incoming head chef, I want to be challenged by their presence, I want to raise the bar so we can take the food to the next level. I know that I cannot do this alone, the workload would be too much. I am looking forward to a few days r and r next week because I haven't had a days rest since our holiday.
Sarah and I did manage to treat ourselves to a meal on Monday night we went to a restaurant we have wanted to visit for a long time and we weren't disappointed, it was a truly memorable evening.
Addiction truly hates my mindset, it detests the fact that my life glass is half full.
It wants it half empty, it wants action, I accept that it always will.
Just for today it can jog on.
Tomorrow will be better for it.
Today I have a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Tue, 03/07/2018 - 05:55

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Morning dear diary
My dear friend its been an eventful few days, on Saturday night I slipped whilst showering and fell out of the bath hitting just about everything on my way down lastly my head on the toilet bowl, I am black and blue from my head to the back of my legs. Sunday was a very hard day at the pub, my everything hurt lol. So yesterday I handed over to the new head chef and another three weeks of long hours came to an end, I have a couple of days to rest my body now and enjoy some of the football, I haven't seen a great deal of it but have enjoyed the fact that the old guard are being tested, it's refreshing, change.
Sarah started her new job yesterday, she is like a new person, smiling, energetic and most of all she doesn't seem stressed out about everything.
For me this is amazing and I will enjoy every minute of it.
Today I have a few hours in the chair, hopefully the bottom of my sleeve will be finally finished, this is my reward for the past weeks efforts and I will use it as therapy.
Sarah is working later and we will enjoy supper when she is home, I will potter about the garden and keep myself ticking over, we got a new bbq, a bargain and I might christen it later, something about lighting some charcoal that envokes a huge amount of inner joy.
Addiction lurks in the shadows, it wants to reak havoc, just for today it can go take a hike.
Today I choose to live by a decision
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Posted on:
Tue, 03/07/2018 - 12:37

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Duncan, I hope that battered body is recovering well. My nemesis is the stairs. I fell down the whole flight on my a*se this morning. Thankfully I broke off my tail bone the same way a couple of years ago so I only have carpet burns to show - kind of brings me back to my honeymoon - the capet burns, you understand, not the tail bone;-) Enjoy your time of rest and
enjoy the Barbie. Best wishes to you Sarah and the Family. Markman

Posted on:
Wed, 04/07/2018 - 17:53

paulds

Joined:
2012-01-13

Sorry to hear about your fall, seems like it was the universe telling you to take a break, hope you feel better soon. Enjoy the football and well done for staying gamble free, keep smiling.

Paulds

 

Posted on:
Fri, 13/07/2018 - 00:59

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Dear diary.
Paulds, Markman fellas we have been around this forum for a good few years, we have seen I believe a huge amount of growth in each other in that time, be proud of that and I am truly humbled by your kind words.
So dear diary I have been working hard, last week I took a day off to rest my bones and I really did need it, my fall left me needing a time out.
I have enjoyed the world cup, some decent football and truthfully the outcome of any game was insignificant, I have just enjoyed the games for the entertainment they are.
England surpassed my expectations and they will grow in future tournaments which brings hope and furthers my inner belief that anything in life can be achieved if you really want it.
Addiction has been quiet, it just sulks in its hovel and I plan on keeping it there.
Gambling offers my mind no comfort, no outcome than misery on offer, I remind myself of that fact, it's sobering indeed.
ō at the moment and is learning a great deal as a result.
Family is so important, I will be forever inspired by their efforts.
Today I have a choice,
Abstain And maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Posted on:
Sun, 15/07/2018 - 18:52

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Evening diary.
So I am sat in my garden with my wife, hounds and a smoking bbq.
I have worked hard for the past few days and today I got away early, so an inpromptu bbq and a couple of pimms, a reward for making the right choice in life.
That is to put two fingers up and the other three down to addiction.
A couple of days of r and r ahead, and due to Sarah having her new job we have days off together.
Her choice to change jobs is having a profound effect on the mac household.
This is the life awaiting anyone who commits to abstinence.
Not right away, there will undoubtedly be a mountain of s#h#t to wade through first but a very different life will be on the other side of that.
Today I made a choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Sun, 15/07/2018 - 22:36

Change

Joined:
2015-01-30

Nice post. Thanks for sharing.

Posted on:
Thu, 19/07/2018 - 14:18

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

I could not have a catch up of the forum without stopping by Duncan. Hope all is well with you and the family.

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