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I can't change my past - only my future.

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#1 Posted on:
Fri, 11/05/2012 - 13:12

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

I think that's an important step for me to realise. I can say it, but do I actually believe it? Am I willing to write off the last 10 years of my life? Well like it or not, I have to, as I can't change them.

11 years ago I had never had a drink in my life. I gambled occasionally, but it was a past-time, I was fully in control, spent what I wanted to and stopped. Now, 11 years on, I have nothing to show for these last 11 years. I still live with my parents. I have no car, no savings.... I am a materialistic person, and so I rate where I find myself as very low.

Gambling has cost me - financially, emotionally, in the workplace, at university, with my family... but it will not cost me my life. It continues to cost me - but I am no longer prepared to allow this to happen.

I'm going to start a diary on here, and I'm going to keep coming back to it. It's only within the last year that i've been able to open up to those I love - my parents - and let them know what's wrong. They've known for a while that something was wrong, but we've never beena hugely social family when it comes to things like this.

Whatsmore i'm tired. I'm tired of not having money at the end of the month, i'm tired of wasting my hard earned cash on gambling, tired of looking over my shoulder to see if the person that has come into the bookmakers knows me - i'm good at keeping it hidden.

So i'll copy this introduction as my first post, and then make my second post with more detail. If you choose to comment then it will always be appreciated, but I'm going to do this for one person... for me. If nothing else it will be a record of how I feel, where I am, and where i'm aiming for that I can look back on and take pride from this genuinely real attempt to change.

Most of all - I look forward to living my life again.

Posted on:
Fri, 11/05/2012 - 13:25

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

Having read some of the stories on here, you can very quickly get a feeling for where you and your problems are on the grand scale. Take sums involved for example - i've seen figures of £5,000, £50,000, even £250,000 mentioned, and instantly it makes me realise that whilst I do have a problem, it's nowehere near as bad as it could be.

My debts peaked at £6,300 (not including student loan - I do not earn enough to pay that back). Currently, I owe around £3,200, and another £2,000 to a member of family. In late 2010 I took advice from the local Citizens Advice Bereau, and looked to start paying back my loans. I've continued to do that, and in 18 months time I will have cleared the £6,300 balance. Then I can pay back my member of family. Until every penny is paid back, I will feel terrible for having done this to myself, every payday is a reminder when I see funds leaving my account immediately to pay things back, but I know that i'm sort of on the right track.

So why come here today to start this diary? Simple - for the first time in over 2 years I took out a small loan during the week. I had been drinking and starting gambling again - money that I didn't have in my possesion at the start of the week, borrowed money, was now being thrown away, and seemingly without a care.

Of course, i'm beating myself up for doing it, I completely regret doing it, and it tells me that I need help. I'll need to review my finances for the next 3 months to factor in repayment of this loan, I will literally need every penny to count. I also need somewhere where I can put my thoughts out there, if anything so that I can see my own state of mind, read my own thoughts and opinions on myself, and hopefully help me understand me better!

I'm not living just now, i'm existing... and that doesn't feel (or sound!) like fun. So here I am, the past is what it is, and can't be changed... my future however, is in my hands.

Posted on:
Fri, 11/05/2012 - 14:44

RCG

Joined:
2010-12-17

Gambling is a terrible addiction but it can be beaten. You are not alone in your thoughts and everyone on here has suffered or is suffering the same as you. The main concern for me is that you need to open up to someone close to you. Can you tell a friend or close family member? It will give you short term pain but it will help in the long term. We as gamblers are good at keeping secrets and you need to start thinking like an ex-gambler if you want your future self to visit you (see my diary). Keep safe and take it one day at a time. It will get better!

Posted on:
Fri, 11/05/2012 - 15:07

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

I have spoken with my parents in the past - but I cannot bring myself to talk about what happened this week. That is what this diary is for - I can get the benefit of relative anonymity but get thoughts/feelings off my chest. I feel that i'm better to talk about what happens here than not at all.

On John B's advice, I have just read Mark117's diary. I encourage anyone who is new here to do exactly the same.

Posted on:
Fri, 11/05/2012 - 15:09

John B

Joined:
2009-07-06

Hi Steven,

Maybe speak with Netline and find the details of your nearest counseller who can offer free one on one chats every week to help you in your recovery.

Read the recovery diarys and take out the bits that will help you in your quest to become gamble free.

Good Luck in your fight

Posted on:
Fri, 11/05/2012 - 16:42

castle2

Joined:
2012-01-30

Hi Steven

Well done on starting a diary this will help u with ur recovery , reading marks diary is an example to all of us he helped me so much on this journey

Take it one day at a time and make the decision each day to choose not to gamble , gettin through each day will give u so much strength to take to the next one , gambling takes so much from us as u already know but the belief and confidence will come back

My best advice I can give u is stay very close to this diary read and post as much as u can esp when the urges come

I wish u all the best in ur recovery

Castle2

Posted on:
Fri, 11/05/2012 - 16:45

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

John - i'm already in touch with a councillor, and when I next meet with them I will discuss what happened last week.

I feel that i'm already taking positives from what i've said - I'm not proud of the new loans, but proud that i've recognised that it is wrong, and that by writing here, i'm try to help myself stop. For all the talking in the world, chatting with friends/fmaily - there's only 1 person that can help you, and that's YOU.

As I mentioned on RCG's diary, I'm not 100% convinced that I want to stop gambling, but I know that I have to stop. The day when I realise, that I am able to say that I WANT to stop may be weeks, months, even years away - but when it comes i'll know then that i've done it, I will have achieved my goal.

Posted on:
Fri, 11/05/2012 - 16:50

John B

Joined:
2009-07-06

Very true Steven , gambling for me used to be fun and controlled before the introduction of FOBT's in the bookies then my life was ruined.

Fobt's have a massive say in the life of a compulsive gambler , I am ok with the horses I can accept when my horse loses or on football when I have a near miss and very rarely would I have chased my losses but the FOBT took hold of me in a different way.

I realise I have to give them all up if in the end I am to beat this addiction.

Posted on:
Fri, 11/05/2012 - 18:25

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

You know it's strange how the mind works - can you remember the last time that you actually gambled and could also say you enjoyed it? I don't remember when that was, so you then ask yourself why you would continue to do something that you didn't enjoy? Why would anyone do that to themselves!?!?

I need to become thankful for what I have, rather than wishing for things that I don't have, or for a life that I can't have right now. I have my relative decent health, I work full time - this puts me in a good position - too often I look from the top down, and fail to appreciate what I have in life.

I can understand why people always want more, and not in a healthy way - our media is perpetuated by instant "celebrity", instant fame and instant wealth. I wouldn't want any of that, I'd just want to earn more, or have access to more money to try and better myself.... is this why I gamble? Am I searching for that get rich quick answer? It's not there.... it doesn't exist.

The next time I'm presented with a situation where I feel the urge to gamble, i'm going to go into my wallet and look at a picture of my family - I hope that having them look back at me in my hour of need will be enough to stop me.

It feels sometimes that I need to snap out of it and get back into the Game of Life - you know that dull feeling you get, when you can't be bothered doing anything - hints of depression creeping in... it's a haze sometimes, you could almost leave your body and see yourself standing there, virtually lifeless.

I don't know the reasons for getting all this off my chest and onto a screen that anyone can read, but I know that in the future, when I read it back, I will be able to bettr understand myself and my train of thought.

I've spent the majority of the day on here, and look forward to using the chat later.

Posted on:
Fri, 11/05/2012 - 19:13

Charlottex

Joined:
2011-12-10

Hi Ste_ven, well done 4 starting a diary, u will get lots of support here:)

There is so much more 2 life than gambling, but it is also easy 2 get caught in the vicious circle.

I think the photo in ur wallet is a gr8 idea :)

Stay strong :)

Posted on:
Fri, 11/05/2012 - 21:57

littlebit80

Joined:
2012-04-25

Thank you for posting on my diary ste_ven. I started out reading as many diaries as I could when I first joined (feels like years ago now but has only actually been a couple of weeks!), it began to give me an insight into what it is I'm up against. Hope all your reading is doing that for you too, knowledge is power as they say.

You said you're not sure if you want to stop gambling yet, I've been there, what would I do with out it?! Maybe just think about putting off the next gamble. Put it off until tomorrow. It's not as daunting as stopping forever just saying 'I'll do it tomorrow'.

I really hope you stay around, it's a good place to be.

Posted on:
Fri, 11/05/2012 - 22:01

Lmm

Joined:
2012-02-28

Hi Ste_ven

Was good to meet in you chat. Thanks for your post on my diary.

I think you've already realised how much this site will help you during your recovery.

Keep posting, keep reading and try and put as many barriers in your way as possible.

I will be keeping an eye on your progress.

LMM

Posted on:
Sat, 12/05/2012 - 08:06

Tomso

Joined:
2012-02-26

Steven,
Welcome to the forum. This will be the first step in taking control of your life again. Keeping a diary has really helped me in my recovery. I noticed from one of your previous posts the difference between some users losses i.e. 5 grand, 50 greand or 250 grand. My debt is at the lower scale but only because I seeked help early. I have went 86 days free of gambling and my life has turned around but if I hadn't found this site when I did I would have no doubt my debt could be 3 times as bad as it is now. I enjoy life now and enjoy the peace and happiness that brings.

I wish you well.

Tomso.

Posted on:
Sat, 12/05/2012 - 08:51

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

Thanks for posting on my diaries folks, I definitely intend to be back using this, maybe not every day, but if and when I get the urge I'll be back here to talk about it - about what brought it on, what I done about it, in an effort to learn more about myself.

I don't crave gambling every day - it comes on peaks and troughs for me. The peaks are usually focussed around payday, when I am most enabled to gamble. Then the period of kicking yourself while your down "why did you do it... again?!" "You know this is where you end up, every time." ensues, and the rest of the month is a struggle, trying to juggle what little I have left for the month, for getting to work, for getting a bus to town...

I've been very fortunate in that I have had family who have assisted me each month with a small amount, that gets paid back on payday, when I have needed it. I say fortunate... it may be fortunate at the time, but does it really help me? Does it really help me stop this underlying problem that I have?

I considered giving full control of my finances away - but I can't bring myself to do that, I'm not sure how well I would handle that on a day to day basis. I'm going to remain strong minded, create plenty of obstacles for myself - revisit old hobbies, look at starting new ones, even just get out walking more.

I can't remember the last time I had money in my account the day before payday, so here's the incentive for the coming month - any monies I have left, I will spend on me. I will spend on enjoying myself - whether that's £1 for a can of juice, or £10 for a t-shirt. The coming 2-3 months will be harder than normal due to the extra small loan I took out during last week, but I've punished myself enough already!! What's done is done.

I'm out for the majority of the day today - there will be no alcohol for me today, and no gambling either, in any form - i've decided that the lottery is finished for me now as well, because that is how it must be.

Posted on:
Sat, 12/05/2012 - 09:06

footprints

Joined:
2012-02-26

Steven hope u have a great day i sense your very determined which will help u a lot 2 arrest this dirty disease.
Stay focused and try and take it a day at a time.
This forum helps me a lot

Posted on:
Sat, 12/05/2012 - 09:39

mike8

Joined:
Before 2009

steven,
many times my payday was my disaster.what i recommend to you is to hand over your money to your familly.steven, not shame being a cg,its an illness.if my child was sick i would everything to help him.
no money in your pocket, no gambling.its a slow process, dont wait results right now.we gamblers are impatient people.
i m 34 days free, my mother knows now that i m a cg and gives me every 2 days 20 euros to get by.
after one year if i ll stick to my recovery i ll probably see the results.and the results will be good.
think that we are sick, we need a cure, take it like that.there is no other solution.
ok i know that you are struggling with money and you are stressed with loans, money lost etc...everyone here is.we are a team mate,helping eachother is the key to recovery.
take care
mike

Posted on:
Sat, 12/05/2012 - 15:44

3trebor

Joined:
2012-04-28

hi steven
Thanks for the post.
Mike is right limit your access to money. Thats the way i do it now 20 euro no bank card. might seem extreme but it has to be that way for me. Keep up the good work

Posted on:
Sat, 12/05/2012 - 22:26

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

Thanks for the comments guys - I will give your thoughts careful consideration.

No gambling (and no drinking) for me today, as I set out to do - tick that box for today!

Tomorrow is another day - another day that I will not be gambling.

Posted on:
Sun, 13/05/2012 - 10:15

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Hi Ste,

I just typed out a post then my connection dropped! grrr!

just a quick one to say it was nice to meet you in chat the other night, and you are already giving some good advice and support to others which is great!

All the best,

F x

Posted on:
Sun, 13/05/2012 - 16:15

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

I've been thinking more about Mark117's diary, and about the one thing I can never recover - time. God forbid, but if the worst happened to me today, what would my loved ones have to sort through - my finances, the letters... what sort of a memory would that be for them, what legacy would I leave then?

Of course it's easy to have these clear, lucid thoughts when you are not gripped by gambling - your heart isn't racing, you're not waiting for 1 result to go your way...

There's a lot I want to do over the next couple of months. Some of them will have to wait, as I simply can't afford to do them. I can plan for them though, and then there's the small jobs/items that I can think about tackling on a day to day basis.

It will take me a some time to be able to accept my past, the years of living a lie... but I have started to move on. I'm drawing this line in the sand, and that's where my old existence ends. I'm going to start living life as I should have been - as a good, honest, hard-working individual... as I was raised to be.

Quite simply, I will not gamble again.

Posted on:
Sun, 13/05/2012 - 16:23

mike8

Joined:
Before 2009

hi steven,
take it one day at a time.slowly.we gamblers are impatient people.we want our lost money back and quickly.but it doesnt work like that.its a very slow process.time is with us though.the longest we are off gambling the better for us.
accepting our past is the most difficult part of the process.i havent accepted my past yet.needs to be done though.
take care
mike

Posted on:
Sun, 13/05/2012 - 19:29

CD15

Joined:
2012-05-02

Hi Steven, thanks for your post on my diary. This giving up gambling is a tough road, but you CAN do it. Im on day 18 and believe me I have felt every one of them, Ive dug deep, and read the diaries and posts on here, anything at all to take my mind out of the zone.

Stay strong, have faith, don't let this poison do any more damage, coz WE ARE WORTH IT.

Cameron - day 18, no more slots.

Posted on:
Sun, 13/05/2012 - 20:18

Ex-Stumper

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi ste ven and thanks for taking the time to post on my diary.

I like your comment about when was the last time you actualy enjoyed gambling--how true for many of us. Although I think our mind tells us that we do enjoy the act of gambling but it is actually the aftermath that is almost always unenjoyable.

If you are not sure how to dael with this illness some good diaries for you to read are ex-gambler Jeff's and Winningpost. If you get the chance seek them out and read through. If you read mine you can see my own personal rollercoaster approach to this thing--hopefully by reading it may help you.

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

This is perhaps why we can never ENJOY gambling.

All the very best with your recovery.
Stumper

Posted on:
Sun, 13/05/2012 - 21:52

Charlottex

Joined:
2011-12-10

Hi Ste_ven, thanks 4 ur support on my diary :)

U sound really determined, U can do this!

Stay strong and keep going :)

Posted on:
Sun, 13/05/2012 - 22:03

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

Thanks for the comments people, it is appreciated. I will look over those diaries when I get the chance, looking at how others have progressed does help us all.

Feel a bit down tonight, had to suffer the humiliation of asking for help to get to work next week. I am fortunate in that I have someone who will help with this. It should be the last time I need to ask for this assistance, but does not make it any easier.

A lot of regret comes back to the surface, disappointment of my own and others feel strong right now.

It's not going to make me gamble tomorrow, but it's not a nice place to be. Just going to get the head down and get some sleep I reckon, no point in sitting up thinking negative thoughts.

Posted on:
Mon, 14/05/2012 - 20:58

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Ste_ven... just wanted to thank you for passing through my diary. As with most diaries i read I relate to much of what you say. As with you I have no car and no savings and am only debt free because I went bankrupt a few years ago.

Ive been trying to stop gambling and stay stopped for a decade now with long periods of success only to then relapse.. often with devastating consequences both financially and emotionally.

Its a tough addiction thats for sure and I would suggest that you need to reach a point where you want to stop 100% for yourself. Stopping to please your parents/family or anyone else or any other reason is unlikely to work in the long run in my opinion. Stop because you have become sick and tired of the consequences and how it makes you feel.

Like you say.. there is no quick fix to financial problems or the wanting to have more money. Most people in society acheive their goals through patience and hard work... not through gambling. I just woosh it hadn't taken me so long to really start to internalise this fact and that their is no quick fix to anything.

All the best to you and your on-going recovery. learn from my mistakes. Regards... S.A

Posted on:
Mon, 14/05/2012 - 23:00

againstnature

Joined:
2011-11-20

Hi Steven
Thanks for popping by my diary. Nice to see you here and fully committed to beating the bug.
As you say, you are lucky in some respects. I am owing about 35k and have probably blown 150 in my 29 years as a gambler. It's not about the money though. You are lucky because you got out before things got worse and you found this place. You're lucky that you still have people around who love you. That is the biggest thing that spurs me on. Making myself and those people proud of my achievements and also giving something back, doing things for people and expecting nothing in return. I hope you can take something from my words as you continue your fight. Don't ever get complacent. Thank you for your kind words.
Best wishes to you,
IanB.

Posted on:
Tue, 15/05/2012 - 19:00

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

An unexpected test presented itself over the last couple of days. I was in a local pub, enjoying a soft drink, when I glanced over at the machines - I know what they are, and where they are in that particular pub. I then looked and realised that there was 1 credit left on one of them. So what to do? I could play the 1 credit, after all, it's not my money. But almost instantly I realised what might happen - I might then play the change in my pocket, or the £10 note in my back pocket, and then rue the loss, and the spiral starts again. I quickly decided against it, and was proud to do so.

1 week ago I would've probably played that 1 free credit, then continued to lose the money I had on me there and then. This week, I walked out with exactly the amount I intended to.

I'm purposefully not counting the number of days that I haven't gambled - I feel that quantifying it puts, in a strange way, an added pressure. As long as I am honest with myself, I don't intend on gambling again.

Posted on:
Tue, 15/05/2012 - 19:45

Dazlee

Joined:
2011-09-17

Hi Steven

Thanks for taking time to post on my diary really appreciate it, well done on resisting I guess there is going to be some random occasions thrown our way as a little tester every now and again , I too had one when early on when I hadn't closed all my online accounts I had an email for " £2 free bet" in my account , to be honest I forgotten I even had an account with them !! Ignored it self excluded and it felt good to do so!!!
Keep up the good work fella

Daz

Posted on:
Tue, 15/05/2012 - 22:23

littlebit80

Joined:
2012-04-25

Well done on not touching that credit!

I'm not counting days either but I do keep a 'last gambled' date, I'm liking seeing it move further into the past. I think it's what ever works for the individual really.

Keep fighting the good fight. :)

Posted on:
Tue, 15/05/2012 - 22:30

Charlottex

Joined:
2011-12-10

Hi Ste_ven,

Well done for resisting and not playing that credit!

That shows ur true strength and determination 2 beat this!

Stay strong and keep going :)

Posted on:
Wed, 16/05/2012 - 22:00

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

As always, your comments are appreciated :)

Feeling good today, work is good just now, doesn't pay much, but given the current climate out there i'm thankful to be in full time employment.

Been trying to be good diet wise as well, treated myself to 2 pints the other night - even that sometimes would've spilled into 5 or 6, but no.

Focused on the job in hand, and find myself positive about things on a day to day basis - haven't felt this good in ages.

No lottery tonight either, not even £1 - it's still in my pocket. That goes towards lunch tomorrow.

Posted on:
Wed, 16/05/2012 - 22:06

Blondie00

Joined:
2012-05-01

Hi Steven,

Thanks for popping on my diary appreciate the support.

Well done on what you have achieved so far, i had quite a few urges yesterday so I am also trying to remain focused.

Keep at it , one day at a time

Blondie day 23

Posted on:
Fri, 18/05/2012 - 22:47

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

So 1 week without gambling in any form passes - how do I feel? How SHOULD I feel??

I thought about a lottery ticket tonight, ***** - 18 £1 million prizes, 18 times the chance, and 18 times the number of players won't play, so slightly greater chance of being lucky tonight.....

I didn't do it, the £2 coin is still in my pocket. Felt good at the time, now i'm not really bothered. It's weird to be honest - 98% of my day it doesn't even occur to me that i'm making an effort to avoid it - it's the 2% that is set to test us all.

All the best to everyone that has posted so far on my diary. Believe that you can overcome it - we are all proof that it is possible!!

Posted on:
Sat, 19/05/2012 - 00:18

Boston

Joined:
2012-02-26

Hi Stev,

Well Done so far you are doing great!

Know what you mean about lottery, thought crossed my mind today but like all the rest another bet wasted, yes someone has to win but the odds are stacked against us and would only lead us CG into more trouble!

You are keeping strong!
Keep going mate, i'm listening to some old tunes on the radio and it reminds me of good times!

They will come again even if they are 20 years later
Smiling Lucy

Posted on:
Sat, 19/05/2012 - 00:20

Boston

Joined:
2012-02-26

Hi Stev,

Well Done so far you are doing great!

Know what you mean about lottery, thought crossed my mind today but like all the rest another bet wasted, yes someone has to win but the odds are stacked against us and would only lead us CG into more trouble!

You are keeping strong!
Keep going mate, i'm listening to some old tunes on the radio and it reminds me of good times!

They will come again even if they are 20 years later
Smiling Lucy

Posted on:
Sat, 19/05/2012 - 09:08

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

Ok, so i've been paid a few days earlier than expected... and it's a Saturday. When I realised it I can be honest and say that my first thought was NOT ABOUT GAMBLING!! It was about enjoying myself tonight, having a few drinks.

I know I must remain on guard today, and I will use my willpower to prevent any lapses if that demon visits me today. I will be back tomorrow to keep myself, if nothing else, updated on my progress for today.

Now i'm telling myself to keep it going Steven!!!!

Posted on:
Sat, 19/05/2012 - 09:40

Ex-Stumper

Joined:
Before 2009

Good to see that you are fighting the gambling but please be aware that it will almost certainly lie in wait for you and then suddenly jump out to confront you.

Many of us have experienced the early days of stopping. Usually it is hard then becomes rather easier than we thought before we then get complacent and think well it would not hurt to go back to it because I am in control now. The truth is it will hurt and you are not in control of it.

Keep moving forward as you are doing really well at the moment.

All the best
Stumper

Posted on:
Fri, 25/05/2012 - 00:28

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

So I gambled. I failed. I feel terrible for it. I was so positive... It has me by the balls.... so gutted.

Posted on:
Fri, 25/05/2012 - 07:53

castle2

Joined:
2012-01-30

Hi Steven

In on way av u failed u av take great guts and courage to come back on and try again so quickly my first relapse took me a month and the results were disastrous

U will learn so much from this look at the positives of how u managed to stop and how it made u feel , relapsing is just part of the process in our recoveries and happens to nearly all of us so please don't beat urself up I assure u no one will feel any worse of u only pride like myself for realising and wanting to beat this awful disease

We are all here for u

Castle2

Posted on:
Fri, 25/05/2012 - 10:01

Ex-Stumper

Joined:
Before 2009

Sorry to read you feel that you have failed but trust me that lapse could be the best thing in the long term as you now feel rotten about yourself and this could and should help you move further forward this time. So what if you fail over and over again as long as you are trying.

Never give up trying to stop.

All the best
Stumper

Posted on:
Fri, 25/05/2012 - 10:14

Blondie00

Joined:
2012-05-01

HI Steven,

Your not the first person to have a slip and you wont be the last, you have to try and learn something from this and come back stronger to beat this addiction, we are sick people trying to get better, not bad people trying to be good.

I didnt like the person i was but i sure like the person im becoming, give yourself some time, dont be hard on yourself, your human and we get it wrong sometimes.

Get the blocks in place, carry minimual money, gam block software, self exclusio, if you want to quit these will help you when the urges come, and they will come again but each time i fight them i feel stronger.

Keep at it mate, its so worth it.

Blondie

score so far Blondie=32, gambling demons a big fat zero

Posted on:
Fri, 25/05/2012 - 10:46

John B

Joined:
2009-07-06

You have done really well Steven , you might be back to day one but its time to start building the days again , remember to keep posting each day and to keep reading to remind you why you are stopping.

Did you take my advise and arrange some sessions ?

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2012 - 20:47

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

No John, I didn't arrange sessions....

I'm currently 10 days gamble free, purely because i've barely had the money to live on (i.e. get to work). I've also not had a drink in the same time - i know my trigger...

I'm still struglling with myself, I really struggle to ignore the years of my life i've wasted, the years it will take to make things better.

I'm still in work, so all is not lost in that front, but i'm in a deepening hole, and I do not see my way out.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2012 - 20:56

Chirst21

Joined:
2012-07-20

Steven

Do not feel disappointed about the relapse as that will not help you get back onto the gamble free lifestyle. Unfortunately gambling is all around us (adverts/sport etc) and there will probably be a temptation to gamble most days.

You now just have to get back on the gamble free road and start from day 1. We've all done it so we know how hard it is, but believe in yourself as we all believe you can do it.

Regards
Craig

Posted on:
Mon, 03/09/2012 - 21:23

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

11 days - easy when you have nothing.

Posted on:
Tue, 04/09/2012 - 21:21

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

12 days without gambling - easy when you have nothing.

Posted on:
Thu, 06/09/2012 - 23:38

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

13 days without gambling - easy when you have nothing.

Posted on:
Fri, 07/09/2012 - 20:32

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

14 days without gambling - easy when you have nothing.

Posted on:
Sat, 08/09/2012 - 22:49

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

15 days.

Posted on:
Sun, 09/09/2012 - 12:24

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

15.5 days - time for a bit of detail.

So I was on here a few months ago full of confidence about overcoming the demon, and I didn't get very far. Cue 3 months of dodging about, gathering up some more debt, and now I find myself struggling from one payday to the next.

I'm trying again, and as you can see from my previous posts, it's easy not to gamble when you have nothing to do so. Why should this time be different? Well,

I've told a very close friend about my problems. It was a great relief to let it out to someone that wasn't family that I know i can trust, and I was hoping that he would understand - he did. I'm going to speak with him soon again, he has said he will help me, I don't know what that means, but any help is appreciated just now.

I've stated in the past that drink is the trigger for me, and so a conscious effort to avoid that is also being made. I had a few on Thursday this week, but no rush of feelings experienced, and no gambling that night or the following day.

I'm also prescribing to the healthy body = healthy mind mantra, i've been pounding (walking) almost every night for over an hour or so, especially seeing as the weather's been decent recently. I feel better for it, getting some fresh air into the lungs, instead of moping about the house feeling sorry for myself.

Also, if and when I get my finances sorted, i'm going to look to turning a penny in other ways. I've got an interest in vintage watches, and I fancy trying auctions for a bit of buying selling. Plenty of potential positives here, I might earn a small bit every now and then, I can indulge my interest, and it occupies my time - time that in the past I may have chosen to go to the pub, or worse....

So that's where I find myself just now. As I type this, I can honestly say that I have no want to gamble, and I know there's no need to. I hope this lasts, as life is too short to live it as I have for the last few years. Time to turn things around once and for all, on many fronts. Time to grow. Time to live.

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