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Posted on:
Thu, 04/01/2018 - 14:39

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

 

 

On the flip side:

noise cancelling headphones work wonders

 

I'm aware and ok with the fact that I cannot control the weather

In giving myself sobriety I get clarity in thought (I can feel crazy without being crazy)

I am able to start rebuilding hope by reclaiming trust in myself. I can trust myself. I'm smart and I'm a survivor

May not have my party pants on yet but I'm getting there.

 

Posted on:
Wed, 10/01/2018 - 10:01

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

So, I have reached my record high of gamble free days. I have managed abstinence for 15 weeks. Abstinence is essential. Stopping is the first step. Staying stopped means recognizing and managing  all of the reasons why I do it in the first place. I have been working on this for over 5 years now. I will be working on this for the rest of my life. The top five:

5.  Regret 

4.  Anger

3.  Resentment

2.  Fear

1.  Shame

I have learned I have to judge less and accept more.

Forgiveness is something I do for myself. It doesn't make me weak it makes me spiritually strong.

I have leaned that my need to "hold on" has a neurological component. That doesn't mean I'm off the hook it just means I have to work a little harder at not being "in control".

A lot of my fear has to do with past trauma. Again this is not about blame but more about understanding and acceptance of myself faulty wiring and all.

I still need a lot of work when it comes to believing in myself and trusting myself. 

Some days it's minute by minute. Breathing exercises. Patience. Gratitude. Positivity. Connectiing with people who bring out my light - the very best in me and steering away from the people who don't.  Gen I was floundering in a sea of debt and regret and living from one gambling stint to the next I was the walking dead.  Being alive and awake "sober" isn't all sunshine and happiness.  In fact it can be a stone bi t c h. In between there are moments of pure joy. Moments of pure love.That's what I live for these days.  

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 10/01/2018 - 10:02

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

So, I have reached my record high of gamble free days. I have managed abstinence for 15 weeks. Abstinence is essential. Stopping is the first step. Staying stopped means recognizing and managing  all of the reasons why I do it in the first place. I have been working on this for over 5 years now. I will be working on this for the rest of my life. The top five:

5.  Regret 

4.  Anger

3.  Resentment

2.  Fear

1.  Shame

I have learned I have to judge less and accept more.

Forgiveness is something I do for myself. It doesn't make me weak it makes me spiritually strong.

I have leaned that my need to "hold on" has a neurological component. That doesn't mean I'm off the hook it just means I have to work a little harder at not being "in control".

A lot of my fear has to do with past trauma. Again this is not about blame but more about understanding and acceptance of myself faulty wiring and all.

I still need a lot of work when it comes to believing in myself and trusting myself. 

Some days it's minute by minute. Breathing exercises. Patience. Gratitude. Positivity. Connectiing with people who bring out my light - the very best in me and steering away from the people who don't.  Gen I was floundering in a sea of debt and regret and living from one gambling stint to the next I was the walking dead.  Being alive and awake "sober" isn't all sunshine and happiness.  In fact it can be a stone bi t c h. In between there are moments of pure joy. Moments of pure love.That's what I live for these days.  

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 10/01/2018 - 10:22

ThroMoney

Joined:
2011-06-05

Joan, you are certainly not alone, I have been a compulsive gambler for over a decade. i relapse on a frequent basis, this is my fifth day off gambling and at the moment,it feels great. Nobody knows about my addiction apart from this forum and my counsellor, there is defo light at the end of the tunnel and always remember , it could always be a lot worse.

 

Posted on:
Sat, 13/01/2018 - 16:09

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks for your kind words Thromoney.

I'm coping ok. Not great but doing my best. Trying to accept and adapt instead of dig in and resist. Remembering too that "there's a time for every purpose under heaven"  and calling on the wisdom to find the difference. Life is continuous unrelenting INCOMING!! That's living. How I cope is everything. 

Posted on:
Mon, 15/01/2018 - 12:25

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Tried to make excuses for not going into work.  I pushed through and earned some money.  I tried to talk myself out of seeing my darling little niece on the eve of her 10th birthday. I pushed myself and my heart overflowed with love and light. We have one pair of pants. We decide if they will be happy pants or misery pants. Today I remind myself to slip into my happy pants and move forward. I cannot always anticipate or control what happens but I have complete control over how I think and behave. 

Posted on:
Wed, 17/01/2018 - 12:22

volcano

Joined:
2010-07-05

Regaining control Joan and your doing it admirably. Understanding and accepting what’s controllable or not is so very hard but achievable and by keep pushing and also sometimes knowing when to practice apposites as with your work and niece just shows something is happening in that grey matter of yours. 

A little of tangent here but I heard this months a go and not only is so very true but a usefool tool - 

‘ I don’t have to accept anyone that doesn’t accept me ‘ 

Your enough and very worth it Joan and wishing you well and hoping you’ve broken the back of the bad weather 

Posted on:
Wed, 24/01/2018 - 08:01

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Howdy (((Joan)))...Don’t ask me where that came from!

Posted on:
Wed, 24/01/2018 - 09:28

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Hahaha, who knows Kelly, but, I will take it and thank you as it was much needed. I came home from work yesterday and cried like a baby. A lot of changes at work and of course pony tailed boss lady and I got into a bit of a tangle. Here's the kicker though. The more rounds in the ring with her the more I realize she and I are alike. :-o  imagine that. Me and the pony tail tyrant are twins!  Dear god, anyone who thinks that the road to recovery is peaches and cottage cheese is well... Anyway, we managed to find some common ground before each leaving for home and parted ways in peace. I still cried out is shear frustration. I WANT MY WAY AND I WANT IT NOW!.... Dear ( volcano) Paul if you are reading this I will probably wind up putting my foot in my mouth, but I couldn't imagine starting up a new relationship in the midst of all this so called personal growth. I want nothing more for you than to be happy but I think your instincts are telling you something. A compromise might be to keep things cool. Not to sound corny but, work on being good friends before taking the plunge into deeper waters.. so that was my two cents. You know I'm rooting for you buddy! If I were still a drinker I would raise my glass. The only thing I drink now besides water is iced tea or coffee.. Let's see outside of my meltdown yesterday I'm still afloat. Getting ready for another day. Starting to actually look forward to the next shite show.  Bring it on and all that. Hang in there GC, it's better when you walk it sober. 

Posted on:
Sat, 27/01/2018 - 17:08

volcano

Joined:
2010-07-05

Howdy..... I can feel a Kelly moment coming on and I’m trying my damndest to stop it, hai ho here I go (((Joan)))

Have been reading some good harmony coming from across the pond and enjoying seeing you becoming more acceptable of the good and the bad. It’s ludicrous really us addicts that we take the bad and don’t accept the good but it is good that your accepting both.

I hope you and Patrice are enjoying your reward, ie the weekend 

ps- beware of Evian water it’s a anagram of naive, a little random to finish 

Posted on:
Thu, 01/02/2018 - 03:27

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Isn’t it just the weirdest feeling when you realise that you’re looking in the mirror & not @ your nemesis :-0  Dan warned me ages ago that the stuff that riled me up the most in other people lives within me...As usual, my ego whipped out the Dan swat & thrashed it about wildly but I’m coming round to the idea (yes Dan, you told me so) now that my work wife & I are also twins (OMFG) :-0  Funny, I never saw you with a pony tail...Wait, you’re not my work wife are you :-0

Posted on:
Thu, 01/02/2018 - 20:10

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

 

Kelly, lol, I have this image of you and a fly swatter hahaha.. And yes, my wild grey hair is often pulled back in a ponytail.. :-D

I'm sooo tired today. Physically and mentally spent. And of course the urges descend like vultures. So I popped over to my diary instead. I'm not going to gamble. What would be the point? I feel like everything I'm feeling is all bottled up. I don't want to talk about it. I want to gamble about it instead. I just want to be numb. Maybe a cold ginger ale. Maybe I just sit for awhile and breathe. I'm ok. We're all ok.

P.s.  Howdy Paul!

 

Posted on:
Sat, 03/02/2018 - 15:53

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Yes Diary,

Was just mentioning to Paul this romancing the punt thing. When we get so far along in recovery we get a little bored maybe with the steady boom da boom da boom. The gambling thoughts come rolling in. What I know about thoughts is that they can't hurt me. I'm the only one that can turn those harmless clouds into a raging shitestorm. Shitebricks flying sideways. If it's not wanting to go shopping :-/ then it's go shopping with Patrice I will do. Boom da boom da boom ditty boom. See what happened there? Just a little ditty but, I will take it.

 

Posted on:
Sat, 03/02/2018 - 20:13

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

So, the little ditty in my otherwise boom da boom da boom afternoon was a few extra items in the grocery shopping cart. A smile on my pally's face. The universe is abundant. And, I just might pick up where I left off. Am thinking about making art again. Hmmmm

Posted on:
Sat, 17/02/2018 - 19:06

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Feeling stronger every day. Need to work on my aging body that I have really beaten to shite over the years. It feels so good to be able to focus on the things that need to be tended around here instead of waking up "dope sick". I say dope sick because my gambling habit was much like the strung out ****** who no longer scored dope to get high but to just feel "ok".  I stopped gambling for fun years ago. Anyway, I don't even want to go "there". I want to focus on moving forward. I am remembering what it was like to enjoy the simpler things. Everyday life isn't a thrill ride. Today I'm ok with that. Life is good. 

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