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Angel From Montgomery

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#1 Posted on:
Mon, 23/07/2012 - 05:34

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

I started casino gambling about 10 years ago. I became addicted to slots after winning. since then my partner and I have lost tens of thousands. We have about 33,000.00 in credit card debt. We never have any money for what we need. I know I am an addict and have to stop. I read in one of the posts that it is worse when we win b/c we want to repeat the "high". That is so very true. I had also come across another post saying that I should tell myself that I won every time I do not place a bet. That is very true too. I do not know if I am making much sense. It is very late. I am writing because in spite of how awful I feel right now I am hopeful. I pretty mucy found this site by accident. I am not from the UK but, I hope that my posts are welcome here. I plan on staying close by. I am crying as I write this but, I am not at an online site waiting for a bonus so, that is something. thanks for this site and for listening.

Posted on:
Mon, 23/07/2012 - 06:31

Boston

Joined:
2012-02-26

Good morning

First well done for joining this great site , you will get lots of advice and support here

A must is to self exclude from all the sites you use online , then put a block on your computer to aid you in your recovery

I wish you all the best on starting this journey , it will be difficult at times but try and stay close to this site and read / post as often as you feel the need

Take care and keep strong
Lucy

Posted on:
Mon, 23/07/2012 - 08:31

castle2

Joined:
2012-01-30

Hi Judy

Again well done on starting a diary it will really help , admitting the problem is half the battle I hope ur partner feels the same then if so together u can help each other and lead a gamble free life and av some of the rewards that life has to offer which we don't ever see whilst gambling

Keep posting and reading other diaries get all the support and advice , there is so much on here , take heart in knowing ur not alone and we all know what ur goin through

I wish u both the best in ur recovery

Take care and stay strong

Castle2

Posted on:
Mon, 23/07/2012 - 12:33

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Hi Diary,
I am thankful this morning for this site. What a relief to know that there are others out there who know what I am going through. I am ashamed of myself for getting caught up in such a stupid time/money wasting activity. When I am using - I imagine the folks on the other side of the screen/machine laughing at me. My behavior is predictable. They know that I cannot hold onto any winnings. There will be no "withdrawal". there will be know winning. Little cartoon images rolling by. No bonus play- and I begin to sweat and my heart begins to pound. All of this attention and energy wasted on little cartoon images rolling by!! Never enough. Always one more hit one more bonus round. I do a little chair dance b/c I get three sailboats in a row. Then comes the monotonous music. But, it is not music. Not to my ears. If I were really listening I would scream! Instead I am in some kind of feverish trance watching little cartoon images rolling by -- bobbing up and down to a cheesy little tune. And, I am powerless-- driven like a magnet. I am on my knees reaching out and upward. I am ready to begin again.

Posted on:
Mon, 23/07/2012 - 15:41

WOMBLE

Joined:
2012-06-17

Hi Judy,
Warm welcome to you.

You know from reading thsi forum that you are not alone with this disease.

You are not stupid or crazy....this is an illness.

You have realised what gambling has done to you.

I also remember sitting for hours praying for a stupid bonus...then when it came was practically nothing.They pay people LOTS of money to make games that get us addicted.

Stick close to this site hun, make sure you have blocks in place and keep posting!
Wishing you good luck on your journey.

Sue xx

Posted on:
Mon, 23/07/2012 - 16:53

bigsam1234

Joined:
2012-07-15

Hi Judy ,
You have came to the right place to beat this evil that has got a hold over us . I like you was addicted to the slots , waiting on the bonus , cos this time I would get the jackpot , knowing deep down it wasnt goin to happen , knowing all I was goin to do was get myself deeper in debt . It wasnt till you said it in your post did I realise what I have been gambling on , cartoons with cheesy music .
Anyway welcome to the site , I try to read it every day as the goodwill and encouragement you will get here from everyone is incredible .
You can do this
Sam

Posted on:
Mon, 23/07/2012 - 20:56

Blondie00

Joined:
2012-05-01

HI Judy,

Nice to see you started a diary :) Stay close to your diary and use it to pour out the good, bad and ugly, Its an outlet to air your worries, frustrations, fears, anything you want to .

I have found it kick started me into recovery and spured me on to do other things,1 -1 councilling sessions, GA. There are some truly amazing people on here who are living examples that you can beat this illness.

Welcome I will be following your story.

Blondie xx

Posted on:
Mon, 23/07/2012 - 23:42

Chirst21

Joined:
2012-07-20

Hey Judy

Welcome to the site. I am a newbie (4th day using site) and find it a great inspiration and the people are soooo supportive.

My advice is to check back every day and even on the rare occasion that nobody posts (won't happen) still post your thoughts.

Regards
CBH

Posted on:
Tue, 24/07/2012 - 13:36

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Hi Diary,
Once again I am grateful for this site and for all of those wonderful people out there who answered me when I called out. Today, I am thinking about the people that I borrowed money from over the years under false pretenses. I would tell my family and friends that I needed some money for dental work or that I had to pay a medical bill. It makes me sick to think about how easily I could lie to the people who mean the most to me. There is something worse than being financially bankrupt. I discovered that I gave more over to gambling than just my money and time. I traded my integrity, and at times my very soul for a few lousy dollars -- and for what?? To play a slot machine? For the oportunity to be able to watch a little squirrel dance across the screen! Betraying the trust of the people who I treasure the most is so much worse than accruing a gambling debt. When I first discovered this site just a day ago, I was writing because I was feeling sorry for myself. I was angry at the casino owners for being evil predators. For picking on poor little me. Well, today I discovered that it takes two to Tango. The smooth handsome devil asked me to dance and I said yes. So, now I have a long way to go. The 5 years that it will take me to pay off the banks is nothing compared to the work I need to do to repair the damage I have done to my own spirit/soul and relationships.

Posted on:
Tue, 24/07/2012 - 16:34

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Just trying to keep my mind on other things. Have to get the blocks in place b/c am getting many online solicitations and freebies over my BlackBerry. Mondays thru Thursdays are not as bad as weekends and paydays. With credit cards maxed out and balances closed I only spend what I earn but, realise now that I must get the blocks put up. My partner in life and in crime has expressed a willingness to work along with me. We have always done everything together. Gambling is no different. We wonder why we cannot get addicted to exercise and veggies. :)

Posted on:
Tue, 24/07/2012 - 23:19

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

So, I ventured onto the chat room and found out that there was a free block that I could download. I had a friend of mine take care of it for me and they tested it so.. I can no longer get at the online gambling sites. Sigh.. I get these waves of clarity and peace then wham comes a feeling of insecurity. I cannot really name the reason -- it just comes on. It is the time of the evening here when I get the stongest urges to use so.. I am just writing instead. Cannot really think of anything to say... I wish I could remember what it was like before I got into this mess. Oh well, I did not gamble and I will not gamble tonight. Will see what the morning brings.

Posted on:
Wed, 25/07/2012 - 06:53

Boston

Joined:
2012-02-26

Good Morning Judy

Glad to see your still strong ;-)

The urges , Judy they will come and go and at times feel impossible to let go off but they do ease off over time and each day you remain bet free the stronger you become

Glad to see the blocks are in place, one less tempation taken away and that can only aid you on your journey

You are doing the right thing by coming on and posting and i know with determination you can continue onwards and upwards

Keep Strong Judy
Lucy

Posted on:
Wed, 25/07/2012 - 09:30

Charlottex

Joined:
2011-12-10

Hi Judy,

Well done for installing the blocks, that is a positive step :)

U can do this, one day at a time :)

Stay strong and keep going :)

Posted on:
Wed, 25/07/2012 - 11:29

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

thanks Lucy and Charlotte for your words of encouragement. Thanks to all who write have written down your stories. I read them every day and get so much out of them. I guess I have been feeling a little double down lately b/c I have been trying to lose weight and for some reason my decision to stop gambling has created new urges to eat. It is looking to me like I have been using gambling to manage my stress. Now that I have made a decision to stop gambling I a have found myself in panic mode and am again turning to food for comfort. I tell myself that having a bowl of ice cream is better than gambling but, how long is that going to last? I will be trading one problem for another. Today I have decided it is time to get out walking. I learned a long time ago that exercise is an ecellent way to stimulate the metabolism anc positive brain chemistry. Over the years I have gained alot of information and tools for recovery. I have so much in this life to be thankful for. My problem is that from time to time I can be a very lazy thinker. I fall into a groove and sort of numb out -- not realising that there may be flaws in the way I'm thinking. Flawed thinking leads to wrong actions. Wrong actions lead to messes -- just like the one I am in currently. It is like my compass -- instead of pointing north it is pointing south. I get lost. I found you all pretty much by accident. I was not looking for you -- I sort of washed up on your shore. I feel saved in way. Like I was given a chance. I dont want to blow this. This is an opportunity to right my thinking. Get myself sailing in the right direction again.. Thnaks for listening.

Posted on:
Wed, 25/07/2012 - 13:37

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

I was just thinking that today instead of entertaining fantasy thoughts about winning that I will make an effort to recall the feeling I had when I lost: Driving home -crying. Punching the steering wheel. Asking myself over and over again, WHY? I actually thought about opening up the car door and just hurling myself onto the pavement. How are we going to pay our bills? Get the calculator out -- well, if I shift this around or wait on that. Call a friend. Tell them an out right lie. OR: the walk of shame past the other pale faces -- not exactly the winners circle toward the door. The rage washes over me. I see one of those b******s in a black suit carrying a walkie talkie and his bright yellow badge and I bite down hard on my tonge b/c I want to get in his face and tell him what for. I think about putting my foot through the glass door. Another long silent car ride home. Sobbing. Sounds like fun eh? NOT!

Posted on:
Wed, 25/07/2012 - 14:06

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

I just had another thought -- about why I might be feeling low instead of upbeat. For me it is like a break up. I cannot lie to myself. I am still in love. So, exiting, all of the beautiful colors, the possibilities!! I used to think to myself when I first arrived: I love this place. In the space of an hour I would be in HELL. So, I got hooked up with a beautiful but seriously f***** up lover. I woke up and looked over my shoulder one morning and thought to myself - what the f*** am I doing here?? So, I walked away. I am sad. I have to at least acknowlege that. I miss the creep that I spent the last 10 years of my life with. What shall I do now? There is no going back. The decision I made was final. I am done. You have caused me nothing but sorrow, and have drained me both financially and spiritually. "at first I was affaid, I was petrified.... "go on now go! walk out the door just turn around now cause your not welcome anymore.... As long as I know how to love I know I'm still alive and -- I will survive!!

Posted on:
Thu, 26/07/2012 - 14:04

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

So, this is day 3. For the moment I am not gambling. I am just sitting with "the itch" Deep breathing helps. I am going to look into some books on meditation. Weekends are tough but my partner in love and crime and I are fully committed to this process. I suggested puzzles and yesterday she came home with an armload of 300 pc puzzles..lol driving me a liitle nuts but, we are putting it together -- together piece by piece.

Posted on:
Thu, 26/07/2012 - 15:21

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

I havent quite figured out how to use this on line journal site --lots of great suggestions but, also alot of inside jokes. I sometimes feel like I am on the playground trying to jump midstream into a game but, the big kids dont wish to play with me.. lol! I'm 52 years old!! I am finding this more distracting than helpful at the moment.. sigh --So, I have decided to start my own personal journal. I am grateful for this site and wish you all continued success!! :) By the way my real name is Joan. Judy was a beautiful fantailed goldfish. She was part of my life for 8 years. I chose her name b/c I wanted to honor her memory but, mostly to honor her resiliency.

Posted on:
Thu, 26/07/2012 - 17:50

WOMBLE

Joined:
2012-06-17

Hi Joan.....Judy,

Dont worry hun...age has no meaning on here......I am the same age.

This is such a tough addiction to beat. Lets face it if you are addicted to alcohol...drugs..there is a lot more help in the main stream. But please believe me...this site does work!

Keep posting...what ever you want. People on here don't judge....why...because that is the bond that holds us altogether.

Please don't feel like an outsider......We are all in this together.

I can assure you if you keep posting...You will get helpful replies.

We all want to beat this!

Sue xxxxxxxxx

Posted on:
Thu, 26/07/2012 - 20:52

Boston

Joined:
2012-02-26

Evening Joan

Please don't feel like an outsider, there are alot of people on here who will offer advice and support ;-)

We are all in this together, one aim and that is to remain bet free!

Just write on your own if that's all you can do at the moment, nobody expects you to post back if you are unable, as time goes on then maybe you could but please don't think you will be judged, you defo will not!
Read lots as well Joan , it really does help !

Your Keeping Strong, take it a day at a time
Lucy x

Posted on:
Thu, 26/07/2012 - 22:35

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

ok Sue and Lucy. You are absolutely right. To be totally honest I am full of ****. The real problem is Thursday. Patrice my partner of 13 years is off on Thursdays and that is when our weekend begins. Thursdays thru Sundays are the hardest days to get thru. I am in typical joan the addict form today. Feeling sorry for myself. Looking for pity. Patrice agreed to self exclude from our favorite slot parlor. I have blocks on my computer. I think we will be looking into going to GA meetings next. I know if I can get through these days that on Monday I will feel great. It is ironic. I am an RN and I tell my patients with poison ivy that all they need do is refrain from scratching. Scratching will only spread the rash and make the problem worse. Nurse heal thyself!! I have to refrain from scratching. The urge to do so will pass. I will eventually get better. One hour at a time tonight.

Posted on:
Fri, 27/07/2012 - 00:23

castle2

Joined:
2012-01-30

Hi Joan

So pleased ur getting all those thoughts down on ur diary it will help u so much and make u stronger , u will be able to look back and see how far u av come and how well u av done but more importantly look back and be proud and sayin I'm doin this and I can keep on doin it

Pride is the one thing that takes a while to come back to be able to look in the mirror without hating urself we av all been there , gambling takes our self belief and confidence it's not the real u playing that machine u only return when the damage is done

In time though it does get easier and more importantly the brain will understand and see what gambling does to us , keep reading and posting and it's good to see that ur supporting others that will help u knowing ur helping and supporting others makin a difference to their lives

So well done so far and stay strong

Castle2

Posted on:
Fri, 27/07/2012 - 00:48

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

thanks Castle. this is the time I would normally be playing online slots. Instead Patrice and i baked up some bisquits for our two corgies scout and winnie. I am feeling calm. I feel very confident at this point that I am going to get through this night without gambling. I can do this one day at a time.

Posted on:
Fri, 27/07/2012 - 04:40

Wanna stop

Joined:
2011-12-04

Posted on:
Fri, 27/07/2012 - 12:46

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks so much for your encouraging words Sharon. We made it through Thursday. Today, we have alot going on. We are off to my mother's to do her shopping and laundry. mom has not been well since late March of this year. In and out of the hospital and it appears that her memory is failing. It is a done deal. She will be moving in with us probably by September 1st. Have alot of mixed feelings about all of this but, bottom line -- we cannot stand to see her looking so small and frightened. Dont get me wrong. Our relationship has not been all sunshine, lolipops and rainbows.. on the contrary.. I have 3 brothers. One the eldest who is currently in addiction to alcohol and drugs, two, the attorney living on east coast close to us but one million miles away and three, the youngest back in Illinois completely oblivious. None of them have offered to take her. So, it is up to Patrice and I. We have gotten all kinds of advice and have been reminded that there are social services out here but, I keep coming back to -- she is my mother. Lately, she has been calling at all hours to complain about tummy pain, cant poo, cant sleep. I remember when I was 5 years old calling out to her in the night. She always came without fail. I am not a martyr. Nothing like that. It is the right thing to do that's all. It's what we have to do. When I was early on in recovery from addiction to alcohol we were always warned about taking on projects like this. My eyes are wide opened. Last March I went down to part time. Ugh.. writing this post feels like a job this morning. Am gonna stop here. I am ok. Not gambling. :)

Posted on:
Fri, 27/07/2012 - 13:36

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

ok joan. This is typical joan the addict behavior again. Soooo tired. Sooo hard.. Cant even write in my diary b/c it takes sooo much energy. Good grief! It is Friday. Fridays are difficult. Will work my a** off and look for a reward. The reward was 200 bucks in a slot machine. Which would result in a 200 deficit in my bank account. So, the truth is that looking at and writing down the truth is hard. Another one of my joan the addict's behaviors is that everything needs to happen at once. Get er done!! I should be passed all of this **** by now b/c after all it is day 4. LOL I make myself laugh. Pause, take three deep breaths, sit with the feeling... let it go. It is going to be another hour to hour kind of day. It is not just gambling urges that I am grappling with. It is my **** -- all of it. Gambling was a drug. A way for me to numb out. I am awake and without a drug to numb me-- So, I am taking in each moment. What is happening right now at this moment:
Corgi is lying on the floor. Jeezuz, this is difficult.. just sitting still. Sitting with the itch,the pain. Nope. Dont start thinking about all of the world's problems. Focus. It is alot easier for me to get into all of the problems of the world. I am a human services provider -- we do that alot. Try to solve the problems of the world. My job to day is to try to keep my mind still. Safety is an illusion but, I tell myself I made it this far. I'm a survivor. Oh I could tell stories -- but, I am not going back there. No need. Have had tons of therapy and have lots of skills. My job today is to try to keep my mind still. to contol my own thoughts and actions -- now, there is a challenge. :)

Posted on:
Fri, 27/07/2012 - 14:31

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

need to write down this next thought. why am I soo damn angry and uneasy? I had mentioned that I am a nurse so, unfortunately many of my metaphors will be influenced by my medical backround. so, if you are grossed out by body parts and such -- this post is NOT for you. I realise today that I am in the process of debriding an old wound. Necrotic infected tissue cannot heal. I have to get all of the awful foul smelling goop out first and wash the wound clean before I can start the healing process. This is gonna hurt alot but, I look forward to a clean wound bed. Deep breaths, paused, leaned headfirst into the feeling and discovered that I have a neglected wound that needs nursing care. I can do this.

Posted on:
Sat, 28/07/2012 - 02:31

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Late in the evening here in the States. Looks like I made it through another day without gambling.

Posted on:
Sat, 28/07/2012 - 11:51

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Morning Diary,
Day 5 and no gambling! Getting clean. Feeling better. More hopeful today. Patrice is busy working on her puzzles. :) We are slowly getting our house in order to receive my mom this coming September. When I am not entrenched in my pain/ addiction I can see a future and how much I have to be grateful for. Pause, three deep breaths, leaning into the urge, letting it go, moving forward. Sit, Stay, Heal.

Posted on:
Sat, 28/07/2012 - 14:32

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

when I am in addiction I resort to old story lines to get by. Get p***** off. Lash out at the people I love. They are usually my first targets. At people I do not even know -- I have been known to flip folks off from my car window. Sometimes I can be very cutting. My words can be murderous. I wanna be right. It does not matter if I am alone in my corner. I am right and that is all that matters. My typical MO is to go from 0 to 60 in a nanosecond. I find when I take a moment to sit with the "itch", the urge whatever it might be; to drink, to eat, to gamble, to flip someone off i have the inner ability to open my mind up to a greater or fuller understanding. I read Mike's post last night. I got the urge to lash out -- So, instead, I thought I would hit the pause button. I sat with Mike's post, all last night and part of this morning. It occured to me that he is in agony. I found out that my own father loved alcohol more than he loved me. A pain I still live with to this day. When I am writhing in pain, I have been known to growl and foam at the mouth. I guess what I am trying to say is that I forget to be polite and considerate. Mike and I and the rest of us are just trying to find our way. Here's to all of us -- a huge stay strong!! xxxxxxxxxxx joan

Posted on:
Sat, 28/07/2012 - 18:53

WOMBLE

Joined:
2012-06-17

Hi Joan,

Thank you so much for posting on my diary....really appriciated!

You know even with all the pain you are going through at the moment....You still havn't gambled.
For that you should be proud.....very proud!

It does really help to get those feelings written down on your diary.

It will get easier hun...........each day you dont gamble you can feel a sense of pride!

We all want you to beat this!

Sue x

Posted on:
Sun, 29/07/2012 - 13:04

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Always nice to hear from you Sue. Thanks for your constant encouragement. It trully does help. Well, it is day 6 and I made it thru the hardest days. Thurs-Sat nights. Typically trigger nights. Today I am grateful for the support of my partner in life and in crime, my job, my two crazy corgis winnie and scout, and my falling apart but always warm and welcoming 74 year old house we lovingly call "Bonnie". Bonnie has suffered the most through all of this. We have neglected her over the last 10 years. This is the year that we will begin to rebuild. Bonnie is a direct reflection of what gambling has done to our lives. Fortunately, for us though, our foundation remains strong. The walls still standing firm. When I am sober, clean, clear, I can see the opportunities. I can see the possibilities. I am a human being which means I have the natural capacity for intelligence, warmth, and creativity. When I get the urge to give in to old story lines I have the capacity to change by just sitting still. Taking three deep breaths, staring down the urge head on. and then.. letting it go. Miraculously in that space is a new, clean thought. When I get the urge to tell someone off I sit, taking three deep breaths, stay with the feeling -- examine it then, let it go. In the space of this moment that was once occupied with righteous indignation is now a clean slate. I can create a new state of being. I can transform anger and frustration into calmness. This might sound like common sense to some but, at 52 I really did not know that I had this kind of power. Choice is real. Minding by own business is a real full time job! Stay strong everyone!

Posted on:
Mon, 30/07/2012 - 01:50

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Hi Diary,
just finishing day 6 and no gambling. One day at a time. good nite everybody!

Posted on:
Mon, 30/07/2012 - 17:57

WOMBLE

Joined:
2012-06-17

Hi Joan,

Day 6.......You go girl!

It's so good to see you being free of the B***H

Well done!

Hugs Sue xxxx

Posted on:
Mon, 30/07/2012 - 22:47

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Hey Sue, thanks for popping in. I made it thru a full day of teaching today. I have got to say transitioning from weekend to work week was easier this time. Maybe I am experiencing some kind of honeymoon phase. Well, I have no urge to gamble at this time. I suspect the itch to return closer to the weekend as that had always been our MO. We would make excuses like well, we work hard so why shouldnt we play hard? ahem.. well, I guess b/c we wind up broke and feeling like cr**... Some reward!Anyway --I'm feeling a good kind of tired this evening. Have to put the supper on. One whole week without gambling. That's good I suppose. Continued success to all. Stay strong. joan

Posted on:
Tue, 31/07/2012 - 09:55

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Morning Diary,
Day 7: Will be heading in for another day of teaching in a bit. I am working hard on staying focused. I am very easily distracted. I am an alcoholic-- no drink since September 1991, and now a struggling but, recovering gambling addict. Recovery can be a b****. I am doing my moral inventory while at the same time trying to stay focused and positive. Although I batted the word "serenity" around alot over the years I never quite got the hang of it. I was too p***** off about everything. I am a p***** off person by nature. I am easily hurt. When I am hurting I lash out. I suppose the abuse I suffered as a child has something to do with it. I spent years in therapy sorting that out. Today I am dabbling a bit with meditation. Something that I used to think was pure horseshit. There are some days when I still think it is pure horseshit but, if my choices in the moment seem to me like reaching for a drink or a bet or taking a shot at some ignorant idiot then I need to reach out for that higher power whether he, she, or it lies in the dark liquid pools of my puppy dog's eyes or the Buddha in the wallpaper. I want, need to be a better person. I believe that serenity is attainable even to somebody like me. Peace to all. joan

Posted on:
Tue, 31/07/2012 - 15:24

Boston

Joined:
2012-02-26

Hi Joan

Great post :-)

You show Joan that you can deal with addictions as you have before , I know it's difficult but I also know it does become easier with each passing day you remain bet free

You will find your peace Joan , I've no doubt about that

A friend showed me the serenity prayer at the beginning of my journey and I'm often reminded of it when times get tough , I hope it will give you some peace too

Take care
Keep strong , your doing great even when it's tough
Lucy xxx

Posted on:
Tue, 31/07/2012 - 18:52

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Joan.
If you give to your recovery what you have already given to the forum I know you will be served well by it. keep on keeping on, give it your all.
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Just for today NO BET.

Posted on:
Tue, 31/07/2012 - 22:36

WOMBLE

Joined:
2012-06-17

Joan,

Goodness girlie....You really have been through it eh!

Am so glad you came on this site......what a positive influence you are hun!

Keep doing what you are doing....It WILL get easier!
Hugs
Sue xxxx

Posted on:
Tue, 31/07/2012 - 22:38

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Evening Diary,
I am thinking about Sue, Lucy, and Duncs. -- And all of the folks on this forum and how much their wisdom and support means to me. My hope is that some day soon I will be able to pull my head out of my butt long enough to be able to give back as much as I have been given. Got thru the day today bet free. That's something. Peace everyone. joan

Posted on:
Wed, 01/08/2012 - 00:22

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

Hi Joan...

just coming to offer my support...am also doing my step 4 in group on weds again even though i'm on the other side of the forum...so know where you're at with that one..

I think anyone coming on here has great courage and you give back by simply sharing your self and story with everyone.

Im also trying some meditation too part of this inner child stuff and I believe its helpful if you have had a traumatic childhood. I also lash out and am trying to sort that out.

Keep on keeping on...

Rachel xx

Posted on:
Wed, 01/08/2012 - 10:44

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Good Morning Diary - Day 9

I was so happy and grateful to hear from you Dotty/Rachel. I have been following your posts and so much of what you feel/say resonates with me.
Today, I am thinking that I cannot always say what I feel. I get soo damn overwhelmed or distracted by what I think others might think of me. I worry that I must appear perfect even if that means I have to stuff my true feelings or put on a mask. My recovery from this addiction demands from me a rigorous honesty that I am not always capable of. Being real scares the hell out of me. For me addiction is addiction regardless. My drug du jour happens to be gambling. when I was a kid it was food. I started drinking hard alcohol when I was 14. I know that at the bottom of all of it is an original injury. When something happens to me pleasant or unpleasant -- I go back there and repeat old story lines-- like yesterday-- when driving home.. I'm sitting in traffic with hundreds of others. This man behind me is tooting his horn and yelling at me out his car window. "Move you c***!" "Move you *****!" to this moment I have not been able to let go of what that man said to me. I know I am not those things. I know the man has his own pain and fears but, for whatever reason I cannot/ will not let his words go. So I take those hurt feelings and seal it over with a thick coat of resentment and file it away with all of my other resentments. I keep this file cabinet locked up in my heart. I have been filling it up with garbage like this since I was a kid. My heart is heavy. When I hear the saying "let go and let god" I think how the hell does one let go?????
Anyway, I know that I can be intense. I take so much in and to heart. My partner says she is going to build me a wailing wall in our backyard. LOL. I have a full day ahead of me. So, time for some deep breaths. Time to remind myself of all that I have to be grateful for: My partner, My home, my job, and this forum. Stay strong everyone. Peace. -joan

Posted on:
Wed, 01/08/2012 - 10:57

Ladynoluck

Joined:
2012-07-02

Hi judy
Dont give another thought to that man in the car who shouted those terrible things he is not worth thinking about. If he had said that to me i would have kept reversing my car into his while it was a write off Lol.

Posted on:
Wed, 01/08/2012 - 12:22

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

hey Joan..

Absolutely brilliant post.....and loads of identification....

On letting go...well im not an expert on that as you know but maybe its about being gentle on ourselves and not trying to do it in one big go.

Maybe its about doing it in stages?

If I try to do things too fast and with no patience with myself it just sets up more perfectionism in me that Im failing and I start comparing trying to be more perfect and then BANG explosion and people run for cover then setting up the belief that I was not perfect enough and must try even harder!!!!! its madness. ....

You know you are not all those things that guy said ...but the power of words can be trigger which has been brought to light on here recently from both sides (i hate sides but you know what i mean right?)..

For me its any implication that Im 'selfish"or not doing "enough".....as that one is like shining a torch on a vampire...

Have patience with the changes that take time ...thats what is always said to me......We are all impatient and want to get rid of this stuff now now now ...its the voices in our head that we flog and beat our self up with that drive this whole stuff....where did we learn the voice we were not enough??..or not good enough??

Joan....its unconditional ..and i mean that....no judgement ..you get it all out..whatever it takes for you hun.

I find letter writing helpful and take a lot of inspiration from your pioneers over there in the US...John Bradshaw....etc..its learning to rewrite the script and change those voices in our head....easier said than done for sure....
I even cringe at the word "gentle"..it makes me feel itchy and squirmy so you can see how much learning I have to do....lol.

We are all in this together and never alone hun xx

big hugs Joan

Rachel and Dotty (dots my dog) xxxxx

Posted on:
Wed, 01/08/2012 - 12:27

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

ps...seriously ..the wailing wall thing..your partner may be on to something there...I have thought about that before too and similar things...

Did you ever see that film.."How to make an american quilt" ...Maya Angelou was in it.
One of the characters was so mad at her sister that she smashed plates and crockery up for years and years then cemented the broken bits on the walls of a spare room.It was a shrine to her anger.

Towards the end of the film she started to chip them off as she eventually forgave her sister.

Rachel xx

Posted on:
Thu, 02/08/2012 - 10:19

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Good Morning Diary Day 10:

I am sort of dragging myself through the process today. When I do not feel like writing in my diary. I am finding those are the times when I need to write the most. Ugh! Soooo, hmmm, soo tired.. lol. Not really. It is Thursday and I am coming to the end of my work week. That means the urges will be coming on stronger so, I am beginning to shut down. Where's my blankie.. lol. I have decided NOT to shut down however. I have also decided that there is a time for introspection and a time for relief. So, today I am going to try not to get all bogged down in my ****. Truthfully, I am feeling a little better and I need to honor that fact. I noticed at work yesterday that I am paying closer attention to what others have to say. I am usually impatiently waiting for people to stop talking so that i can speak. Yes, I can be pretty self absorbed.. I have discovered that some of the people that I work with are really trully great. When I take the **** out of my ears I can listen. I am reflecting on a verse from a Joni Mitchell song called "People's Parties":

I feel like I'm sleeping
Can you wake me
You seem to have a broader sensibility
I'm just living on nerves and feelings
with a weak and lazy mind
And coming to people's parties
Fumbling deaf dumb and blind

I wish I had more sense of humor
Keeping the sadness at bay
Throwing the lightness on these things
Laughing it all away
Laughing it all away
Laughing it all away

Diary, today, I am not going to use my **** as an excuse to wallow in self pity. I'm gonna try to throw some lightness on these "things".

That's it for now. Stay strong. Peace. joan

Posted on:
Thu, 02/08/2012 - 22:52

Ex Doormat

Joined:
2011-08-12

Hi Joan

Thanks for popping in and your kind words...you are doing great here Joan and its nice to see new names appearing on 1st page of the forum...
Its true sometimes you need to write when you least feel like it.

Am also looking forward to the weekend and the relief of switching my head off from reflecting...lol .thats the theory anyways...but relaxing is high on the list.

Its all Olympic mad over here and all of a sudden everyone seems to be jogging or riding bikes ...
I still drive to the post box...I can practically see it from my window!.lol

Not heard this Joni song before ...the lyrics say it all... its weird ..I wasn't keen on her voice when she was younger but now its changed and all deep and gravelly ....I love her voice now.

Cloud illusions....

Have a fun few days off work Joan..

Take care and keep posting.
.
R and D xx

Posted on:
Fri, 03/08/2012 - 08:51

WOMBLE

Joined:
2012-06-17

Hi Joan,

I love reading your posts. You are so honest I can actually see into your life!

You really are doing so well........got big smile typing this hun!

I know that now is the "hard time" for you......how about trying to give yourself a treat.....A few posters on here swear by it!

You are a real asset to this forum

Hugs Sue xxxxxxxxx

Posted on:
Fri, 03/08/2012 - 14:17

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Thanks for the encouragement (((Sue)))

Morning Diary - Day 11

Sigh.. wallow wallow wallow wallow.. I feel like I have peanut butter running thru my veins. I dont feel any urges to gamble but, then, I dont really feel anything at all. Well, that's not entirely true. There is always a little energy for self pity :) When I get this way I try to start by remembering all that I have to be grateful for: my partner in life and in crime, my two dogs and my little mini lop bunny ( such a cranky little b**** -- she won't let anyone touch her. I love that about her!) My old dilapidated house. She keeps us safe and warm and dry. Got plenty to eat. Have a couple of really great friends. I've got tolerable neighbors. An old car that still gets me to where I need to go. This forum a virtual diamond mine for knowlege about addictions/recovery/support. I am good to go. I am not in a perfect mood. I am good to go though and that's something I guess for day 11. Best everyone. Peace. -joan

Posted on:
Fri, 03/08/2012 - 18:37

Flagg

Joined:
2012-04-10

Hey Joan,

Added you to the 90 day thread :).

Not strictly within the criteria but you seem very determined to stop gambling and get your life back on track so def check in each Friday with us bet free. Good to have you on board.

Flagg

Posted on:
Sat, 04/08/2012 - 12:32

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Good Morning Diary -- Day 12

the sound of silence seems to have "left it seeds while I was sleeping" again.. Gonna take a shower, wash my hair, put on a clean shirt and step into the daylight. I hope I don't burst into flames! lol. And NO, I did not ******g gamble!! ahem.. peace all! :)

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