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#1 Posted on:
Sun, 03/02/2013 - 22:42

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Right, I'm new here but I like what I've read so far on this forum and it seems that these diaries can help people deal with this addiction so here goes.

I'd like to start by saying I'm one day free of online slots but I can't.

Facts I don't like:
- I am unable to stop playing online slots when I win.
- In total I have probably lost more than I have won on online slots.
- I have wasted money that I now owe in credit card debt on online slots.
- I cried on the phone to my best mate on Wednesday and admitted I have this problem.
- I promised I would not use them again and I couldn't stick to that promise as I had one last go on Saturday and won a little bit to recoup some losses.
- I then had one more "one last go" today and lost a little of the losses that I had recouped.
- That I can never play online slots again as I have proven that I do not have the willpower to stop at a money or time limit and walk away.

Facts I like:
- My best mate did not hate or judge me when I admitted my problem to her and I felt less alone. It was good to talk.
- I have found this forum and realise that my story is not uncommon.
- That relapses are not uncommon.
- That I can start each day anew with the determination to not play online slots.
- Hopefully I will sleep better tonight now that I have admitted that I have a problem, written a plan which sees my debt reducing (albeit over many years) and know that I can talk to my best mate or people on here or write on here about how I'm feeling.

Good luck to everyone in similar circumstances.

Posted on:
Sun, 03/02/2013 - 22:51

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

I guess I should also add that I don't like the fact that I am unable to stop playing online slots when I lose too.

I hate that I have such a problem that I needed to find a site such as this. I wish I could have an exercise compulsion instead of a gambling one.

However I am glad that I have found this site as I think that I need it! :D

Posted on:
Mon, 04/02/2013 - 00:09

Blondie00

Joined:
2012-05-01

HI Veebee,

Welcome to the forum and well done on starting a diary and taking what can sometimes be the hardest step "Admitting you have a problem with gambling", it took me nearly 20 years to get to that point.

I like your list of facts heres some that I would add to my fact list and the things that i know to be true.

Facts that are trueI cant win, because I cant stop
The first sign of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I am a compulsive gambler and therefore I cant place 1 single penny on gambling.

I cant ever win the money back that i have lost it is gone and i have accepted that.

Facts that are true that i like

I can beat this addiction by taking it one day at a time.
I give myself a 100% payrise by not gambling
I can sleep at night .
I am now living an honest life with myself and my family.
I cant change the past but by making the right choice today I can change my future.

I could add lots and lots to this list and as you move away from gambling im sure your list will grow to.

You have come to the right place you wont be judged here, post on your diary and read lots of others.

Take care
Blondie

Posted on:
Mon, 04/02/2013 - 18:27

cardhue

Joined:
2013-01-18

Hi Veebee
Thanks for posting on my diary. I read your intro and hoped you'd started your own diary so was glad to find out you have.

I also never liked the idea of having to get help and so thought that if I had a problem I could sort it on my own- then when it became apparent I was continuing gambling the next step would be to deny I had a problem which meant I didn't have to get help. Bloody self denial - would've saved a lot if I'd reached out sooner.

I like the fact you've spelt out clearly that you *know* you'll never win and what a con it is. In a way its obvious but you've got to really believe/accept its true. I read elsewhere the need to accept defeat on the gambling front and that felt true to me. The next bit is breaking the habit and getting used to filling up your time with non-gambling stuff - you've got your dancing so that's a good start.

At 35 I also don't, but should have, a car, mortgage, savings - but it's nowhere near being too late. I've already noticed how much money I've got having simply abstained for 16 days.

Good luck

Posted on:
Mon, 04/02/2013 - 18:37

kitj

Joined:
2013-01-27

Hi Veebee,

Well done for coming clean, it is a relief, but it will also be a bit of a struggle too. It is amazing how much better you feel when you can be honest with people who do not judge you. I don't know about you, but I can do all the negative judgement myself!

Put up the blocks, get you friend to put on a password you do not know and before you know it, you will be backing away.

Keep at it my friend, you are worth so much more than this, we all are.

Kitjxxxx

Posted on:
Mon, 04/02/2013 - 19:07

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Blondie, cardhue and kitj thanks for reading and the support. I'm definitely negatively judging myself - bigtime! I shouldn't have got myself into this problem. Why struggle to get debt free only to take a massive step backwards by gambling again?!?! It doesn't make sense. I knew that when I did it but I couldn't stop. I knew when I got lucky and won enough to clear a bit of the debt that I should withdraw it and finally walk away. But I didn't stick to that, I found another site and repeated the pattern - I'm stupid and (thought it shames me to admit it) obviously greedy. Neither are great things to be.

Two main things have been on my mind lately:

1. I wish that I could be able to gamble under control once I've cleared my debts. I like the buzz of getting a bonus round and suddenly winning some money. However I realise that this probably won't be possible; if I have a few bets with aims of sticking to a money or time limit then I'll only be "one more go" away from ending up in this mess again.

2. Does this mean that I'll forever be a "recovering gambler" and if so who's ever going to want me as a partner or wife? I don't see how I'll ever be anything but single. I'm sure whatever I have going for me is cancelled out by the fact that if I gamble online there is a chance that I'll gamble out of control and lose a whole load of money again. Even if I never gamble again I still don't see how I'll be anything but single...whilst trying to clear my debts I won't have any spare money for dating or for contributing to costs once in a relationship. It just seems like I'm not a good catch. At the moment I've got a little put aside to pay the balance for the events I've committed to this year - dance events, a holiday and a festival. However, if by some long shot, I met someone at one of those I wouldn't have the spare money to pursue a relationship. If, by some even longer shot, I did end up in a relationship how could I keep the secret of my addiction from them? I don't think that I could or that I would want to; I'm an honest person and believe in complete honesty in relationships. But, if I told someone that I have (or by that point, hopefully had) this problem then why would they want to stay with me?

Anyone, this is day one for me of not gambling. I'd like to, but I won't. I'm guessing that I'm always going to want to but that with time it'll be easier to push those feelings aside and ignore them.

Right, now time to cook dinner.

Good luck and positive thoughts to everyone! :D

Posted on:
Mon, 04/02/2013 - 23:09

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Right, if I'm going to beat myself up over everything then I've decided that I'm also going to celebrate the small things. I can't change what I've lost in the past but I am happy that I can look at myself in the mirror tonight without shame or guilt because I have not gambled!!! :)

Goodnight and good luck all! :)

Posted on:
Mon, 04/02/2013 - 23:09

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Right, if I'm going to beat myself up over everything then I've decided that I'm also going to celebrate the small things. I can't change what I've lost in the past but I am happy that I can look at myself in the mirror tonight without shame or guilt because I have not gambled!!! :)

Goodnight and good luck all! :)

Posted on:
Tue, 05/02/2013 - 19:26

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Today, I really wish that I could log on and have one last bet and win back some losses to have a fresh start. I won't do that but you don't know (or maybe you do) how many times I talked myself in and out of it on the walk home from the train station.

Today has been yet another stressful day at work - that seems to be a trigger for me; I then want to go home and stare blankly at a screen hitting spin, hoping for the bonus to come in and for me to win big.

Tomorrow however is another day. It will probably be another stressful day at work but it is the night of my dance class. I didn't go the last two weeks which was stupid. The first week it was snowing and I'd had a stressful day at work and didn't feel like leaving the house again once I'd got in. I bought a subway sandwich on the way home (who wants to waste gambling time cooking?! - stupid, I know!) then sat at my computer repeatedly hitting spin. I hadn't deposited again initially, instead I reversed a withdrawal (STUPID!!!!) and used that. I was on that machine for hours but luckily I won it back and withdrew it again. As a new customer though they needed to verify my account and, when I rang that weekend to check why it was taking so long it turned out I given my incorrect date of birth. No matter, they verified me and all was fine. Although it meant that I still had to wait for the withdrawal to be authorised. That doesn't happen at weekends so I reversed it again and had another go. I lost it, so stupidly made another deposit...and still lost. I repeated that over a number of nights.

That then led to me missing the second week of my dance class as I was in such a state about what I'd done I rang my best mate in tears and admitted I had a problem. I felt better for speaking to her but couldn't face going out in public that night. I don't think I had any tea that night...felt sick over what I'd done and how stupid I was.

Today, I've had a bad day but have vented on here and will now go and cook some tea. Tomorrow I will go to my dance class. It makes sense - it's a form of stress relief to me. Yes, it'll cost me about £8 but after a stressful day at work it'll be good to be with friends, get and give hugs, have some laughs and lose myself in the joy of dancing and learning to improve my following or leading. It'll be good to let that occupy my mind instead of continually beating myself up over what I can't change.

I'm glad I found this forum. Whether people read/comment on my diary or not, it helps to write this and to be able to read it back. It helps me to read the diaries of others too.

Good luck to you all! :D

Posted on:
Wed, 06/02/2013 - 23:16

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Just a short one today. Work was still stressful but I left in time to get home and get ready to go out to my dance class. I had a great social evening with friends and didn't think about gambling once whilst there. Now off to bed happy.

Hope tomorrow is another gamble free day! :D

Posted on:
Fri, 08/02/2013 - 18:24

Chicagoguy

Joined:
2013-01-24

Hi Veebee,
Your story sounds alot like mine. I'am addicted to the slots also. What you have to understand is that buzz we all get from a bonus round or a big win is a chemical reaction in our brain, it's a release of euphoria. The more I played the more my brain got wired to the slot machine high. My counselor told me it's the same rush a ******* addict feels on the drug and the same low afterwards. That's why it's so hard for us to walk away from it. You start craving the euphoria feeling again once it wears off. I ended up enrolling myself in out-patient therapy and counseling. It has been a great help in reducing the urges you get. I would look into it in your area and see if they have something. My last day I gambled was Jan 7 2013. It's been hard but with the therapy and education on the disease I'am learning how to move forward with my life. Stay strong and believe in yourself, you can do it.
Sincerely,
Chicagoguy

Posted on:
Sat, 09/02/2013 - 00:41

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Hi Chicagoguy,

I wish I'd logged on here earlier and seen your post. I'm obviously not strong as I couldn't last more than 4 days and have just wasted a whole lot more money. Pathetic and stupid huh?! Thanks for your posts though.

I know, tomorrow is another day. Sadly it's another day that I start off with more debt. This site is about honesty right? Well if I'm honest I don't want to quit right now, I want to win back enough to break even and then quit.

Tomorrow I start again though. I can't change the losses. I can't erase the debt through gambling. However I can manage it and reduce it over time, IF I STAY AWAY FROM THE SLOTS!!!!!! I didn't even have the buzz of a bonus round, more it was the incredulity that I didn't get a bonus after all the money I put in. Thinking, surely it's coming on the next spin. The fool in me thinks "it must be due soon", why can't the wise girl in me who knows that I'm just throwing money away shout louder in my head.

I'm on holiday with my family from next Wednesday so as least then that'll be 12 days where I can't gamble.

Good luck to all those that are stronger than me and staying gamble free and good luck to all those back in my foolish position. I'm going to try to write in this daily again - it's better to say I want to gamble than to actually do it.

Posted on:
Sat, 09/02/2013 - 09:14

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Veebee, please try and be kind to yourself. You are not stupid or pathetic but you must accept that you have an addiction which can only be controlled by not gambling. I'm now in my 9th non-gambling day and have to be honest that I miss the thrill of thinking there's a big win on the next spin but then I remind myself how hideous I feel when I ultimately lose the lot because I can't stop. I had planned to use £800 of this month's wages on debt but I lost that trying to clear past mistakes and have ended up needing to borrow £200 to see me to my next payday - no matter how strong the urge is to gamble I keep reminding myself that I don't want to live like this anymore.
It's not easy to give up a long term habit or to change the way you live your life and feel about yourself but I do find coming on here every day makes me more accountable and Iknow without it I would have gambled in the past week. Hopefully as the number of days gamble free increase the urges will subside. I recognize that I have an addiction and I must never gamble again - its not easy to accept but its the truth. I hope you find a path that leads you to a gamble free and debt free future.
All the best x

Posted on:
Sat, 09/02/2013 - 11:55

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Samorgo, many thanks for your post and for being kind. I've read your diary and others last night and this morning to remind myself that I need to get out of this spiral NOW. I remember initially being horrified that I'd wasted a certain amount a month on my credit card gambling. Then that amount would be what I'd waste in a sitting, chasing a loss. Today I start to resist again.

I can see some similarities to our stories Samorgo and I'm going to set myself some goals and use some of the time I would waste playing slots online to:

1. Practise my dancing - I want to become better at it and that will only happen if I work at it. I can do this at home, on my own, for FREE and then work on it with a partner at my Wednesday classes. Dancing gives me a buzz so I should USE that.

2. Tidy and sort my (rented) flat - I will probably never have the money to buy my own home but I need to stop living like a lazy pig and tidy it up. I need to get on top of it and stay on top of it. I can then invited friends over for a cheap/free evening in!!!

3. Exercise and start eating better to tone up - I'm not huge but I am not happy with the shape/size of the lower half of my body. I need to continue to cut down on the chocolate and plan my meals (and start cooking properly). It will work out cheaper (hopefully) and will be better for me. I'm quitting my local gym to save money but I can use my exercise dvds at home (at least twice a week) until I can afford to rejoin the gym. I can also try to make better use of the gym at work.

Sadly I faced up to looking at what the extra I put on my credit card last night has done to the budget I'd worked out to pay it off. It's not great but it's not insurmountable - it's just added a few months onto the final date of clearing it. I hope that if I manage to stop using it for gambling then a few months down the line I will be able to transfer it to a 0% card or get a loan (with a lower interest rate) to pay it off.

One day at a time, hey?!

Now I need to get dressed then go into town to try to find some trousers (that fit me and that I like how they fit me) to take on my holiday.

Good luck to you all! :D

Posted on:
Sat, 09/02/2013 - 12:09

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Veebee,
I'm so pleased to hear that you sound so much more positive today and all you need to concentrate on is today - tomorrow will take care of itself...
I think there are absolute parallels between our stories - it seems all too often that the gambling overtakes so many aspects of our lives - obviously money and finance but also relationships, health and motivation. I'm focusing on my goal of 28 days (for now and obviously taking it only one day at a time) and at times I need to focus on the next 10 minutes or an hour like I am doing right now - I so want some chocolate that my mother has left to send to my husband but I've told myself that I'll leave it an hour and see how I feel then.
By focusing on the present we can all make small changes that will change our furture lives immeasurably. It's not easy but it is necessary if we want to be happy.
I wish you all the best and have a lovely holiday x

Posted on:
Sat, 09/02/2013 - 18:17

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Thank you samorgo. Well I'm back from shopping and I did manage to find some trousers for Egypt - phew. I can't say that I particularly like them, or me in them but at least I now have them so that's one thing sorted for the holiday.

I rang my mum on the way home (I'm going away with them) for a chat and ended up crying so had to admit my problem to her. It wasn't easy but she listened better than I thought she would have and didn't shout at me. It doesn't change my debt or stupidity but it feels good to have told her the truth.

Good luck to all. :D

Posted on:
Sat, 30/03/2013 - 16:52

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Well, I'm back posting again because I've been stupid again...for a while, and today has proven that I obviously can't control it or stop or ever really win BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP!!!!!

After coming back from a lovely holiday I thought well, let's have a little go and see if I can win back some money to put towards paying off my debts. I'm sure a few of you will realise how quickly that spiralled into, "oh well I must be due a win soon" and so was having a little go on a more regular basis again. These past couple of days have made me realise that I do need to keep posting on here to deal with my problem.

Since Thursday I lost about £900 playing slots online - I'd started again that time as I received £20 free to try a new online machine. I won about £200 and did the clever thing, I banked it. Great I was up (overall I was still thousands in debt but in my stupid head that was a little win for me as I'd won from free money). The withdrawals take longer to process over a long weekend so I ended up thinking my luck was in, cancelling the withdrawal and trying again. I lost, I deposited more each time trying to win it back. I know this is a stupid and familiar story. This morning I thought I'd have one last go and I won a biggish chunk so I banked it but then greed/insanity took over again and I cancelled some of the withdrawals.

I'm still in quite a lot of debt but at least I managed to stop again today before chucking back everything that I'd won and increasing the debt even more. My little spreadsheet that I've created seems to show that I should be debt free in about 5 - 6 years...but that's IF I stick to my plans and don't have any more blips. Things are going to be tight but I WANT to do this, I NEED to do this if I'm ever going to hope to build savings, buy a car, maybe one day a house and meet someone to share my life with.

I guess today is my new first day of trying to stay away from online slot machines! I do want to try but I know it won't be easy as I can't switch off that part of my brain that says "one big win and all the money worries are over". Logically I know that doesn't make sense as it's all the little goes trying to get that one big win that got me in this mess.

Ramble over...well, until tomorrow (or earlier if I feel I need to let off steam).

Posted on:
Sat, 30/03/2013 - 22:20

FEB 2013

Joined:
2013-02-01

Hi Veebee

You say that you do want to stop playing on online slots - Would you not consider putting a block on your computer? I had a big gambling problem with online virtual sports that spiralled out of control, leaving me with a huge amount of debt. The best thing I did was to self exclude for the maximum period - 5 years for most and put a block on my computer. I am now heading towards 72 days gamble free because of this and also will power.

I find that when I do get urges (not many) but a good few weeks ago, I experienced a really strong one right out of the blue. I think only for the blocks in place, I may have gambled. The blocks just give you enough time when you do get that urge to think about what you are doing and more importantly, the damage you will end up doing and increasing your debt. Plus with the blocks, there is no way you can bet (if you do it all correctly that is).

I wish you well and do what you need to do if you really do want to quit this terrible addiction for good.

Take care and become stronger each day.

Feb.

Posted on:
Sat, 30/03/2013 - 22:58

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Thanks for the post Feb2013 - it's great that you're now on day 72!

I'm trying to develop will power and will try to channel my urges into tidying my flat (it would be a good place to start as I'm currently living like a messy student rather than an adult woman and I hate it!), exercise and dancing.

I've read through a few diaries on here these past few months and the thing that sticks in my mind is that I can't change the past, I can't get back the money I've wasted but I can change the future - one day at a time. It did depress me when I thought about the fact that I'll never be able to save for a deposit on a house as I'm paying off debt. I even calculated what my repayments over the next 5-6 years are (and that would actually make quite a tidy deposit). However that's gone, I can't change it. What I can do though is not waste any more money, keep paying to clear the debt and then in about 5 years time start saving for the future. Yes, I'll be 40, single and without the savings and possessions (house, car) that a 40 year old should have but it could be a lot worse if I don't stop this destructive habit.

Right, I'm off now to try and change my mindset into spending a day blitzing my flat from top to bottom rather than staring at a screen hitting "spin". Oh and if anyone else comments on here feel free to tell me to go and "clean something" or to go and "tidy a room" or "sort a box of clutter" haha.

Posted on:
Mon, 01/04/2013 - 00:19

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Right, well I got through today without wasting any of my money gambling. My flat is still a mess but I did do some exercise and some washing so that's one thing ticked off my list for today. I may go and blitz the bathroom before bed and then that'll be another small step on the way of getting my life back on track. Rather a dull post this isn't it, sorry, however I felt it was important to come on here and read a few diaries and post on my own to remind myself why I want to stay away from wasting my money online.

Good luck everyone who is struggling with this nasty addiction!

Posted on:
Mon, 01/04/2013 - 23:01

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Right off to bed now but just thought I'd check in and read a couple of diaries and post in my own. Another fairly boring but relaxing day, no gambling and did my exercise dvd again! I'm quite glad to have had a lazy weekend as next weekend I'm at a dance event which will be full on - great fun but no sleep! It'll be good to be surrounded by friends and music though and it'll help me stay away from online slots - the weekends are usually my downfall.

Good luck to everyone.

Posted on:
Sun, 14/07/2013 - 21:15

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

My first time back here for a while - I was having a pretty low day, I'm still struggling to fight the "woe is me, I'm alone, I'm lonely, I'm in debt for the rest of my life" feelings but it definitely helped to visit the chatroom tonight. The people in there made me feel a little less alone in this situation and it was nice (in a weird way) to offload and at least not cry on my own. Thanks

Posted on:
Mon, 15/07/2013 - 07:49

PhilB73

Joined:
2013-05-25

Morning Veebee,

just to reiterate what i said last night, yes your debts will be a worry for your and it would be worrisome if you didn't face up to it, but please do not let it bring you down (again I know this is difficult). Gambling is certainly not the answer, and with a bit of focus you can start to turn things around. Get some advice on your debt, you won't necessarily have to do a DMP, but you can get something in place. Start to think about doing some nice things for yourself, you probably get the idea.

There is so much support available on the chat and forum, use it and I am sure you will begin to feel a little better. I do hope today you are feeling a little better, and hope to catch up soon.

take care

Phil

Posted on:
Tue, 16/07/2013 - 19:15

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Having a couple of better days, I've still got quite a few worries and thoughts on my mind but I'm trying to keep positive and some perspective. The chat room has really helped the last couple of days so I'm going to try to be a regular visitor to that in the evenings.

Posted on:
Wed, 17/07/2013 - 22:23

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Just checking in - I didn't use the chatroom tonight as I was watching The Apprentice final. I've really enjoyed this series of it :)

Anyway today's been a good day; the sun's been shining again, I didn't gamble, I told my friend/colleague at work that I couldn't make her leaving do due as I couldn't afford it and she was really sweet about it (I'd been really stressing about that) and I'm looking forward to a visit from my parents at the weekend.

Keep strong everyone!

Posted on:
Thu, 18/07/2013 - 05:22

PhilB73

Joined:
2013-05-25

Hi Veebee,

glad the work social is sorted. Sometimes our mind has a habit of thinking the worst, when we are anxious about doing things but in reality these things tend to be not half as bad as our fears, the same may be said for other anxieties you may have.

keep up the great work

Phil

Posted on:
Thu, 18/07/2013 - 20:28

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Thanks Phil. I hope so, all I can do is try and deal with whatever comes up as best I can and not let things drag me down before they happen. Trying to keep a smile on my face and to think positively rather than dwelling on the negatives. Hope you're doing ok?

Veebee

Posted on:
Thu, 18/07/2013 - 21:32

irene

Joined:
2012-11-12

Hi Veebee

Its great to read that you're coping admirably and taking stuff in your stride.
It was good to catch up last weekend on chat and I'm pleased to see you're using your diary- I find it so helpful to offload.

Have a great weekend with your parents.
Take care
Irene
x

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 22:05

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

So I'm back on this forum. I'd love to say that I'd been gamblefree since I was here a few years ago but that's not the case. I just stopped using the forum. I'd not been gambling all the time since leaving the forum but have had good periods and bad periods.

The last year or two has seen quite a lot of bad periods. I got myself into massive debt again through online slots, and my local bingo hall's slots lounge. I hit what I thought was rock bottom and rang my parents and they helped me, again. But stupidly I thought I could fix my money problems quickly by withdrawing "just £250" on my credit card. if i won with that i'd put it in the bank and that would make life easier. Obviously you know the story, it wasn't "just £250", if i lost i'd try again as I had to try to win it back. If I won, I couldn't walk away as "what if I'm on a roll? This could solve all my problems if i hit the big one!"

I reached rock bottom again on Wednesday and had to ring my parents again. I thought that would be it for them with me, but they are amazing and are supporting me again. Obviously they are disappointed and worried about me but they are BRILLIANT!!!!

I am now back here, I used the chat room this evening, and someone from GamCare is going to contact me about counselling on Tuesday. I need to stop, I need to sort this. I want to start waking up each day feeling positive and excited about the future rather than thinking "meh, another day to get through".

It's time to get my **** together!

Posted on:
Sat, 11/11/2017 - 15:08

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Day 3 of no gambling for me. I've watched a few documentaries on youtube about the slot machines and so much rings true. Particularly the "no win would ever be enough to walk away" and "it you play once you MAY win but if you play every day you WILL lose". Hopefully not gambling will stick for me this time. 

Posted on:
Sat, 11/11/2017 - 21:17

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

I'm wondering if one of my triggers is loneliness. I'm very much single and, whilst I would like to eventually find someone and be happily married, I'm not prepared right now to go out to try to find love. I want someone to accept me for who I am, as I am, and if I don't like myself very much right now, why would/should anyone else.

I think one way I've dealt with this is via the slot machines, if I'm feeding my money into that then I'm in the zone and don't have to deal with anything else. Then I lose all my money and have no money to properly take care of myself, or to go out if I met someone. That makes it easier to tell myself that it's for the best that I'm alone.

Sadly, this has also affected my friendships - not having the money to see them, being too ashamed of how I've let myself go due to lack of money due to this stupid habit, feeling down and tired and not particularly "up" for socialising. I've ended up cutting off my opportunities to strengthen my friendships and widen my social circle. Clearly I am my own worst enemy.

Now, there are two things occupying my mind more than the urge to gamble:

1) I have nothing to show for the age that I am. Normal people my age own cars, houses, have marriages and kids, have regular holidays, have savings. I am over my overdraft every month, maxed out on credit cards and have no savings. I am NOT a catch right now.

2) If I did meet somebody, eventually I'd have to tell them "I have a gambling problem". Even if that didn't scare them off, it would wreck any potential future we may have. Once their family found out, they'd encourage them to break off the relationship - noone wants someone they care about to get involved with someone with an addicition or problem.

Even if they did stick around, they'd always be looking at me and waiting for me to slip up and relapse.

Anyway, enough wallowing. Maybe I'll never meet anyone anyway, and then this all just remains hypothetical, but I guess I've got more of a chance of meeting someone if I stay away from those stupid slots. Day 3 isn't much (especially when it's not the first time I've been at day 3) but it's something to build on.

Posted on:
Sun, 12/11/2017 - 21:14

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Today was a pretty good day. I didn't get any studying done so I need to focus my**** tomorrow. However, I did get out of the house for a walk in the fresh air - it's amazing what a few 80s/90s tunes on MagicFM can do to perk up the mood. I did a decent food shop and cooked a batch of chilli. I spoke to my parents on the phone - it's nice to be able to ring them for a chat without having to hide this from them. I watched the Strictly results show and am now watching an Elton John thing.

I need to make sure I get a decent night's sleep then I can wake up refreshed, get out for another walk and then properly hit the books. I need to get healthy routines back into my life to replace this damned addiction.

Posted on:
Mon, 13/11/2017 - 12:16

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Whilst I know I won't, does everyone go through the thought process of if I can make it so many days GF (say 100) then I can have a little go. Just with a set amount, and if I win, I bank it. If I lose, I walk away after that set amount. I don't want to be the person the slots made me anymore, but it is a nice fantasy to think if I make it to a milestone number of days then I could have one last try, and walk away with my winnings.

I know that would be a mistake. I know I will need to be on my guard to ensure that that does NOT happen, especially as I'm only currently on day 5, but at least if I could do that then I would be normal, and not an addict.

Gotta keep pushing those thoughts away.

Posted on:
Mon, 13/11/2017 - 19:34

Nonchaser

Joined:
2016-11-25

I struggle also with online slots, but I am so very tired off this chase. Time to get off that train and on to another one that's heading somewhere. I owe about 6k

Posted on:
Mon, 13/11/2017 - 19:56

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Hello Veebee,

Well done for 5 days GF.

For me gambling has isolated me a lot over my 12 years or so addiction. It simple came before everything else. For my recovery i will HAVE to work on this part of my character if i wish to remain GF for the rest of my days, which i really hope i do. The fact is my social situation put me, for whatever reason into a state of "choosing" to gamble (i know it doesn't always feel like a choice at all but it is in the cold light of day). Am i happy with every part of my life and character? No, so i must improve this during my recovery to not again be drawn into the downwards spiral of gambling.

As for "rewarding" yourself with a bet. You have to understand. Once we reach the point we on here are at, we have no control. It's never "x amount" or "this much profit/loss". If we could do that after 100 days GF we could have done it before we needed that time away from gambling.

You must and you will start to get around to the idea that you MUST be finished with gambling if you want to regain control of any part of your life from here on out. The reward becomes not gambling, not rewarding yourself with it!

All the best

Posted on:
Wed, 15/11/2017 - 19:13

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Thanks for your post sjwsjw - I will reply properly later. Just popping in to say 7 days GF...exam tomorrow, not feeling particularly positive about it but will try my best. 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 18:50

adam808

Joined:
2017-08-27

Hi Veebee,

Thank you for the post on my diary. Hope you are doing well.

I haven't yet got round to the counselling, unfortunately things have been very hectic. I am thinking that I need to do something as I think the underlying issue of my gambling is still there. A part of me is quite nervous at the thought of counselling but I think it is something I need to just man up and do. 

Did you get round to doing your session?

Posted on:
Fri, 17/11/2017 - 11:24

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

9 days GF and exam done (but I don't think I've passed - won't find out for a couple of months though).

Had a lovely evening with a friend last night, told her about my recent relapse - she was great but was concerned that I'd not contacted her (as she'd said I could) when I was tempted. My dad had said the same thing. I'll have to mull over why I didn't...I think I know but I'm not sure that I'm ready to write it down yet.

sjwsjw - thanks again for your comment. I do know that I have to stop forever, and that is my intention. It doesn't stop me sometimes wishing things were different and writing that down here. I'd rather write it and deal with it here than ignore it and end up feeding money into the machine again. Plus writing it down gets people such as yourself echoing the comments of the good angel on my shoulder! :)

Adam - 9 days so doing okay so far :) How about you? I'm nervous about the counselling too but I didn't try it the last times and, well, here I am again. I've not started yet, I didn't get a call from anyone on Tuesday but have contacted NetLine again and now have the number to call them myself. I may give it another day or two before calling - I don't know if it's better for them to contact me, rather than being the nag chasing it up lol.

Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 21:39

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

11 days now! :D

Posted on:
Mon, 20/11/2017 - 14:50

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Well done on 11 days, keep it going 

Wilsy

Posted on:
Mon, 20/11/2017 - 19:53

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Thanks Wilsy, 12 days now! :D Still need to chase up the counselling but I'll get around to that when work is a little less crazy.

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 23:48

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

15 days GF :)

Posted on:
Tue, 28/11/2017 - 23:05

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

20 days now! :)

 

Posted on:
Tue, 28/11/2017 - 23:13

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Well done on your 20 days vee!

Posted on:
Wed, 29/11/2017 - 12:11

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Well done in those days vee. .
Just keep doing it one at a time x

Posted on:
Mon, 04/12/2017 - 20:14

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

Thanks Loxxie, hope you're doing well too!

26 days GF now, but still need to chase up the counselling as I still haven't been contacted by whoever I was referred to via Netline.

 

Posted on:
Mon, 04/12/2017 - 20:27

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Good to hear from you, glad its going well!

Posted on:
Fri, 08/12/2017 - 22:00

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

30 days now! :D Work is horribly stressful and busy, this would usually send me straight to the bingo hall to sit and play in the slots lounge. I'm not giving in this time though!

Posted on:
Sun, 17/12/2017 - 23:21

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

39 days now :) Have recently been emailed regarding the counselling referral so fingers crossed that may start up in the New Year...

Posted on:
Tue, 26/12/2017 - 10:13

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

48 days :D

Posted on:
Sun, 04/02/2018 - 16:47

Veebee

Joined:
2013-02-03

88 days GF which I'm pretty impressed by seeing as I failed my exam and work is stressful as hell (and making me ill) both of which would usually make me feed money into the machines to switch off. The counselling assessment is finally taking place in a couple of weeks so hopefully that should help sort my head out a little.

Hope everyone else is doing well! :D 

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