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My Personal Comeback - Rock Bottom to a Normal Life?

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#1 Posted on:
Sat, 16/02/2013 - 19:20

Neveragain121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Im not asking for much just a normal life with normal worries. I dont need a perfect life just one without the constant distraction that gamblig brings.

Ok its not rock bottom but im close, rock bottom would be losing my wife and to be honest thats still a possiblity.

Ive had a few diaries and usernames in the past but i have been on the site solidly for over a year now under David999 and my old diary is titled - Back to basics. One day I will be free but I must be patient.

Ive decided to start a new diary as i need that fresh start to draw a line under the past and hopefully move on. I have never felt as low as i have done after this last gambling period. Im feeling move positive as i start to type out this new diary - strange how i get such strong gambling mood swings, i was crying less than half hour ago.

Im not going to go into detail about my last gambling episode nor my past year on here as this will hopefull be a freash start and although its hard i hope to have a blemish free diary.

I will be posting daily and keeping a count of the days. I will try to do this everyday and miss as few days as i can. I will also be putting £10=£2200 in many of my posts as my last gambling spree started with a £10 fun bet and ended with a new personal best for me, a £2200 loss - not so much fun. The sums of money are really irrelevant but i think a reminder of just what im capable of will help.

Im trying to sound positive and would like to start the new diary in that way but to be honest im feeling tired, drain and all the usaully come-down feelings as reality hits on what I've just done. What does the future hold? I could be all alone, i could have a wife, kids and dig myself out of this mess. That will take hard work and a lot of luck but one things for sure i cant have my wife and kids if im gambling, I have pushed myself so far down that i may not be saved but what is a 100% certainty is, if i push any harder i will lose everything. Thats the stage im at and when i look back at my attempts to stop, of course i wish i couldve seen how bad things get but i think deep down i probably knew i wouldnt stop untill it got to this point.

But hey back to the positives, i havent ran away. Im still here and i want to give up, i want to live again and im gonna keep trying to get out of this mess ive put myself in and to do it the right way.

So tomorrow is Day 1. A new journey begins.

Posted on:
Sat, 16/02/2013 - 19:30

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Thats the spirit mate...fresh start.. onwards to better times.. one day at a time. Keep focussed on what matters.. warm regards.. S.A :-)

Posted on:
Sat, 16/02/2013 - 19:59

Chicagoguy

Joined:
2013-01-24

Hello David999,
I'am also a compulsive gambler, g.o.c. was slots. Way to be strong and pick yourself right back up. Nobody is perfect in this life, and we all make mistakes, the important thing is realizing that we made one. You'll be fine, get your drive back that you had before and go after it again. New day, new start, new way of life! I hope to make it as far as flagg has, that's real inspirational. We can all beat this demon, and help and support one another. I wish you the best in your recovery process.
Sincerely,
Chicagoguy

Posted on:
Sat, 16/02/2013 - 20:35

Hamish892

Joined:
2013-02-09

Hi David,

All the best in your new start, I to am addicted to Gambling and face the prospect of losing my wife if I don't stop.
This should be all the motivation we need to kick this habit.
Chin up and stay strong my friend.

Posted on:
Sat, 16/02/2013 - 21:50

Charlottex

Joined:
2011-12-10

Hi David,

I am sorry 2 read about ur slip, I messed up last Sunday 2.... I felt so ashamed and stupid I have avoided chat and posting on my own diary this wk, I wanted 2 know if I was really dedicated 2 this journey!

Tbh, I am not sure wot 2 say... this is such a tough journey, all I know is we have 2 keep fighting, we can't allow gambling 2 destroy our lives.... I just wanted 2 offer u some support!

Stay strong David :)

Posted on:
Sun, 17/02/2013 - 10:43

Neveragain121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Right thank you guys and gals for messages, very helpful in what is certainly a time of need.

Day 1. Usually i hate typing day 1, i've certainly typed it enough times but this time it feels great. I know what i have to do and im gonna do it. I have just read my last post on my old diary and that is something im going to do on a weekly basis. I need to remind myself what gambling does to me and remember the hell i was in yesterday and for all the time i was gambling but yesterday was the worst even tho i didnt lose a lot yesterday (in comparision with the overall total), yesterday was the day i stopped and reallity hit. I saw my bank balance, some big numbers in all of them just a shame about the minus sign in front of them. I hate myself for what ive done and i know im gonna need to forget that and be positive, i also know im gonna need to be hard on myself and make sure i remember these feelings so i never go back. Ive never felt so bad about my addiction and what its doing to me and my life and I know i wanted to stop before but this time i really feel like its my last chance and i cant give in. I'm not one to blame gambling, blame companies etc yes i will say the have no morals and only care about money and they could certainly do more to help people like us but i always say its my fault i placed the bets, im the idiot and im happy to take that responsibility but damn this time i can honestly say i hate gambling, that doesnt mean im not gonna get some massive urges, im sure i will especially early on but i really hated putting those bets on i just couldnt stop.

David999, the addict but i will not gamble today.

£10 = £2200.

Posted on:
Sun, 17/02/2013 - 11:12

Mr Woody

Joined:
Before 2009

David mate truly gutted for you , really am,
You've been here before yes it's a big loss and head down and start again, hopefully you'd have learned from this mistake and now go on to a breed life

Wishing you success on this new journey mate

Posted on:
Mon, 18/02/2013 - 07:35

Flagg

Joined:
2012-04-10

Morning Sir,

Well new diary, new start so will keep the negatives to a bare minimum. I honestly don't know what Rock Bottom is infact does it even exist? I would say it is different for every single person. I have felt pretty cr** at many times in my life but the day I had to sit face to face with little sister and tell her I couldn't afford to buy her an 18th birthday present was the lowest moment of my life. It seems reading through your posts this weekend you have hit a place you never want to go back to. I honestly hope that is true because I am not sure we can accept our addiction and turn things around without hitting that lowest ebb.

Good idea starting a new diary and as always I wish you all the best in this daily fight. My experience of being around this site for a number of months is be on guard on the back of a slip. You have all the determination to stop but you also have all the negatives the slip brings particularly the financial aspect and us gamblers often feel our only get out is to 'win' it back. You know it's not going to happen but that other side of your brain will try extremely hard to convince you.

Finally, I wanted to say well done on your timing because with our fave festival right around the corner it takes some effort to admit your slip now and not think I will just have a go at Cheltenham and then stop. As part of the current thread I was going to suggest a daily check in on festival week mainly for our benefit so feel free to check in if you want to.

Right enough from me. one day at a time buddy you know the formula.

Flagg

Posted on:
Mon, 18/02/2013 - 10:47

Neveragain121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Day 2. Thanks Flagg I appreciate the post and hope that this will be the real wake up call I needed to stop for good. I appreciate the offer of checking in during Cheltenham and I'll take you up on that. A big step but I think it's one I can take and I'll be proud of myself for making the right decisions but one day at a time still a month to go before then.

David999, the addict but I will not gamble today.

£10 = £2200.

Posted on:
Mon, 18/02/2013 - 11:09

D123

Joined:
2012-12-05

David,

Sorry to hear about the slip-up but well done for getting back involved & making a fresh start. Day 1 can often seem like being back to square one... but in reality recovery can be a slow and painful process - with slips along the way. Certainly, you will have learned valuable lessons during periods of abstention in the past, that will leave you in a stronger position now.

It seems there is positivity and determination in your words, which is great to see. Wishing you all the best, and supporting you all the way.

D123

Posted on:
Mon, 18/02/2013 - 11:24

castle2

Joined:
2012-01-30

Hiya David

What a journey this is its so hard at times , the great thing is no one will judge u we are all one step away from what happened and could happen to any of us and it really is as simple as that , admire u so much for dusting urself down and gettin back on track but u know its the only way

For me dont think any less of u the support will always be there for u , give it time and the pain will fade and u will be able to make some sense of it all and importantly learn from it

Take care

Castle2

Posted on:
Mon, 18/02/2013 - 14:19

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Hi David,
Just dropping in to say that we are all here for the very same reason(s). Don't be too hard on yourself. I personally have learned most from some of my biggest mistakes. I try to remind myself of the words I had heard many years ago in AA: the journey toward recovery is about progress and not perfection. Good to see you moving forward David. Stay strong. I am rooting for your success!! -joanx

Posted on:
Mon, 18/02/2013 - 14:28

paulds

Joined:
2012-01-13

Hi David,

So sorry to hear of your recent slip and just wanted to pop by to offer my support. I know exactly how it feels to write day 1. It is difficult enough to type the words let alone actually to deal with all that goes on in our heads.

We are on this journey together not to judge so here we are helping each other along the road.

You put a really good stretch of non-gambling days in last year. Together we can do it again.

Paulds

Posted on:
Mon, 18/02/2013 - 20:12

Curly10

Joined:
2009-11-17

Hi David.

Sorry to hear about you gambling after a decent period of abstinence. I'm another who knows only too well how hard it is starting back at day 1.

I don't think that recovery can be achieved with anything less than 100% determination and resolve. This addiction of ours will exploit any weakness however tiny. I had a read through the diary I first started on here earlier today which I found on page 62. It was clear in what I was writing that I was going to fail. I did not have that 100% commitment. That lack of commitment has cost me a lot of money over the last few years.

Life is too precious to waste gambling. I've seen that at close quarters this past year. I've got that 100% commitment now. I hope you find it too and that next time temptation comes knocking you can ignore it.

Be strong.

Posted on:
Tue, 19/02/2013 - 09:55

Neveragain121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Thank you all for your support. Gives me a much needed lift knowing I have your support. Day 3 now and had a few urges yesterday and already some today but that's to be expected and battered them away. Must remember I hate gambling! I'm not giving up something I enjoy.

Catch up with you all tonight. Until then have a great gamble free day.

David999 the addict but I will not gamble today.

£10 = £2200

Posted on:
Wed, 20/02/2013 - 01:26

Blondie00

Joined:
2012-05-01

Hi dave

Thanks for your post, I didn't realise you had a slip just been catching up on your diary.

I like the 10 =2200 although painful to read it will be a reminder of where 10 pound leads you.

It's hard to admit we are addicts and we have something that we can't control, I found once I really and truly accepted this it made it a little easier, there is no shame in admitting that we can't control it and we can't control ourselves when we do it.

In your first post you said you hadn't quite reached rock bottom YET, someone at g.a once said its called the not yet syndrome, you haven't lost your wife. Not YET? You haven't lost your home? Not YET.

Gambling will eventually take everything from you but today is another chance to turn that around, you are brave dave, you are strong, you are determined, you have had some really good runs of being gamble free and each time you slipped you have learnt something, use what you have learnt to make you that bit stronger and wiser.

You can and have done it before and you will do it again.

Take care of yourself
Blondie

Posted on:
Wed, 20/02/2013 - 05:16

Chicagoguy

Joined:
2013-01-24

Hello Dave,
Way to stay strong my friend. Tonite we were talking about surrendering to gambling in group therapy. Really starting to make more sense how this addiction grabs hold of us. And with hard work we can all beat this. Take care.
Sincerely,
Chicagoguy

Posted on:
Wed, 20/02/2013 - 09:15

Neveragain121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Thank you both. Some great advice there and I'll use it. I hope to give in to the addiction and admit I'm powerless and finally give it up. Day 5 today. Gonna try and treat myself on day 7 and day 14 then a month etc. just as a reminder that I am doing well, nothing huge just a cream cake from the bakery near workout something, just a symbol. But one day at a time.

Dave999 the addict but I will not gamble today.

£10 = £2200

Posted on:
Wed, 20/02/2013 - 10:15

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Try an apple and blackberry turnover with fresh cream! Yum in tum!!

Well done on your gambling free time. Onwards... S.A :-)

Posted on:
Wed, 20/02/2013 - 13:14

carlw

Joined:
2011-08-17

hi dave

good to hear that the positivity and determination is still there chap and although you having slips you keep coming back, a saying i keep telling myself in desperate times is "rome wasnt built in a day" so as long as your learning along the way keep at it everything will fall in to place

have great day pal

carl

Posted on:
Thu, 21/02/2013 - 19:54

Hamish892

Joined:
2013-02-09

Good work Dave,
Seeing the 10 = 2200 is a good reminder of what can happen when we gamble, its amazing to think we can get carried away and gamble that much from a small bet to start off the session.
God its happened enough times to me, no more though!
Hope you enjoy your cream cake!

Posted on:
Thu, 21/02/2013 - 23:06

Neveragain121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Day 6. Thanks guys. The cakes have come early my mum brought down some home made buns lovely jubbly. Been a busy boy with the move and work today. Hence the late post. Must dash another busy one tomorrow. Take care all catch up soon. Oh and no gambling thoughts. Bloody hate how I feel during gambling. Must kill as many brain cells as alcohol or drugs. Anyway sign off as I do - david999 the addict but haven't gambled today (get in!).

£10 = £2200.

P.S don't think I'm bragging or thinking I'm clever cos I spent over 2 grand cos I'm a bloody idiot. I just like the reminder to show what a prat I can be whilst gambling. If I gamble again I'm gambling more than money I'm gambling with my life!

Posted on:
Thu, 21/02/2013 - 23:23

Chicagoguy

Joined:
2013-01-24

Hey David,
Well done in staying gamble free, keep up the great work. Like how you ended your last post, very, very true. Spiralled out of control many times with my bets, it's a crazy addiction, especially after your mind starts to clear up a bit, you can really see what a mess you were. Stay strong and congrats on your soberity.
Sincerely,
Chicagoguy

Posted on:
Fri, 22/02/2013 - 07:07

Neveragain121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

I put day 6 yesterday but its day 6 today. Busy boy or maybe I just can't count lol. Tired and wanna go back to bed. Can't wait to move in (next Sunday). Had enough of packing and sorting stuff out. Right catch up soon.

David999 I'm an addict but I will not gamble today.

£10 = £2200

Posted on:
Fri, 22/02/2013 - 13:00

Mr Woody

Joined:
Before 2009

Well done David keep up the good work mate. One week tomorrow long may it continue

Posted on:
Sat, 23/02/2013 - 17:42

Neveragain121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

well i can change £10 = £2200 its now 2500. I guess i just couldnt forget the lose. Needed to try to get it back. The addiction is so strong. I dont know what im doing anymore. Im gonna take a break from posting i know it may be a bad move but i want to try and forget gambling and forget that im quitting, i just want it to become something i dont do. Im sure i'll be back, knowing me sooner rather than later. But im not sure, see how it goes. But a massive thank you for all that have helped me along my way. Ive been on here under a few aliases for around three years i think and thats just crazy that im still here throwing money down the drain. I have learnt loads tho and i do know that im an addict. Im not gambling with the believe that im in control im just gambling because at this time gambling controls me. I hope thats not the case for much longer and i certainly have no plans to gamble while im away. I wont go far and thinking about it cheltenhams only a couple of weeks away (almost forgot about that) and i'll definitely be on here for those four days. I may have messed up big time already this year but im still determinded not to have a cheltenham bet. A little victory on the back of a massive defeat - i will re build and i'll never give up giving up. Thanks again. see ya soon.

Posted on:
Sat, 23/02/2013 - 18:36

Chicagoguy

Joined:
2013-01-24

Hey David,
Stay strong my friend, I wish you the best, and thanks for your support to me. I hope you can find what helps you to stay away from the demons of gambling. You've done great, don't forget that. I wish you the best in your recovery.
Chicagoguy

Posted on:
Sat, 23/02/2013 - 19:13

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi David... dig deep mate. Do what is best for your long term future. No quick fix with gambling. Get back posting when you feel ready. Stay safe... S.A

Posted on:
Fri, 08/03/2013 - 14:21

paulds

Joined:
2012-01-13

Hi David,

Just thought I would pop by to see how you are. I know you recently slipped and starting again is the toughest thing, I know this only too well but what i also know is that there are many kind people here to help us, not to judge, just to lend a comforting ear.
Hope you are well my friend
We CAN do this!
Paulds

Posted on:
Fri, 08/03/2013 - 14:55

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Hi David,
No judgement here. My diary is a shame free guilt free zone. Sending you hugs and strength. I'm not perfect either. Life is just better when I am not gambling. I slip and fall but, get back up again --and you are right to never give up --that's the ticket my friend. Hugs -joan

Posted on:
Fri, 08/03/2013 - 15:13

Chicagoguy

Joined:
2013-01-24

Hey David,
Stay strong, were all pulling for you. Hope all is well with you.
Chicagoguy