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A year wasted.

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#1 Posted on:
Sat, 28/10/2017 - 10:52

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

I joined this forum one year ago. In the last year I have refrained from gambling and relapsed numerous times. I feel ashamed and I feel nervous, but I am determined to sort myself out before 2018. Don't waste away a year like I have.

Posted on:
Sat, 28/10/2017 - 11:06

Moorey631986

Joined:
2016-09-08

Katiecoo wrote:
I joined this forum one year ago. In the last year I have refrained from gambling and relapsed numerous times. I feel ashamed and I feel nervous, but I am determined to sort myself out before 2018. Don't waste away a year like I have.

Welcome back Katie.

How are things with you? x

Posted on:
Sat, 28/10/2017 - 12:31

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

I'm good Moorey TY. Life isn't bad for me, but it would be perfect without this addiction. It has given me ups and downs this year I don't have huge debts, but neither have they moved in the last year. Every penny I waste gambling should have been spent on my family and put away for their future. I really have wasted the last year. Win or lose I don't even enjoy gambling anymore, it's like a nervous reaction, an anxiety trigger, I just want a calm life

Posted on:
Sat, 28/10/2017 - 13:06

Moorey631986

Joined:
2016-09-08

What’s been your downfall when gambling? Slots? Roulette?

It’s time to string some meaningful days together now, Katie. 

Let’s have a good run until Christmas and then see where that takes us. 

The longer you spend gamble-free, the better your finances/future will look. It’s that simple. Why live a life of stress and anxiety. Life presents us with enough challenges without us self inflicting more problems.

You can do this girl! Think positive.

Any new measures that you’re going to put in place this time around? 

Posted on:
Sat, 28/10/2017 - 18:07

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

As soon as I see a new site advertised I join and immediately self exclude. I know that if I don't do this I subconsciously hold onto the name of the site and end up joining on a weak day. My vice is online slots. I don't go near bookies or bingo anymore, don't buy the lottery and couldn't justify buying scratchcards with cash in my hand? But online my money doesn't feel real until it leaves my account. I see Moorey we both joined around the same time last year and as you say, let's get some days behind us , a head start this time into the new year. I have no desire to gamble and don't want to spoil yet another xmas

Posted on:
Sat, 28/10/2017 - 18:26

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

Just downloaded a money management app, so I don't need to constantly log on and view my bank account which freaks me out. Hopefully this way I will feel in control

Posted on:
Sat, 28/10/2017 - 18:41

Moorey631986

Joined:
2016-09-08

Well come and join me and we can walk this journey together! 

Nobody ever said it would be easy. But neither is it impossible. 

Keep reading the forum. There’s some really inspirational and positive diaries to be read. 

I too want a gamble free Christmas to enjoy with the family. 

Let’s make this dream happen.

Are you with me?....

Posted on:
Sat, 28/10/2017 - 19:03

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Hi katie

I would not say the year has been a waste. Yes you have slipped up a few times, but you tried, and youw ant to do it. You will get there, keep trying and posting on here.

 

Good Luck

 

Ant

Posted on:
Sat, 28/10/2017 - 19:56

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Katie am all too familiar of online money not feeling 'real', don't feel like you have wasted a year as I'm sure you will take into consideration everything that has happened for your new GF future. Best win and take care S:) 

Posted on:
Sat, 28/10/2017 - 20:01

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

Ty Ant, I've tried but not hard enough. Yes Moorey im with you. I seem to be a binge gambler and could go for weeks no gambling then gamble...to the same detrimental effect as a daily gambler. I will check in on you and hopefully you on me weekly, let's say every Sunday? Ty for your support

Posted on:
Sat, 28/10/2017 - 20:03

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

Hi Sharon, Well done you are doing brilliantly, any tips? How are you finding life gambling free?

Posted on:
Sat, 28/10/2017 - 20:28

Moorey631986

Joined:
2016-09-08

Katiecoo wrote:
Ty Ant, I've tried but not hard enough. Yes Moorey im with you. I seem to be a binge gambler and could go for weeks no gambling then gamble...to the same detrimental effect as a daily gambler. I will check in on you and hopefully you on me weekly, let's say every Sunday? Ty for your support

Deal! Let’s starting making life better for ourselves... :)

Posted on:
Sat, 28/10/2017 - 21:14

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Hi katie

Sorry to ask, but do you have any mental health conditions? (I Have)

Do you feel stressed before you agmble? Just wondering as you said binge gambling.

 

Posted on:
Sat, 28/10/2017 - 21:51

Rhoda

Joined:
2016-12-06

Hi Katiecoo, your internet provider can block adult sites, which stops gambling sites. I think mobile phone providers can do something similar. Getting blocks in place makes it easier. Is there anyone who can monitor your spending or even take control of your finances for a while? Have you thought about joining Gamblers Anonymous? I think it is difficult to stem this addiction if you don't seek support....it thrives if it is kept a secret. You and Moorey will be able to encourage and support one another up till Christmas...keep talking. 

Posted on:
Sat, 28/10/2017 - 22:23

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

Hi Ant, I suffer from severe anxiety, stems I believe from when my partner had cancer and was close to death with two young children. I gamble when I panic that he could die and I need to pay bills, then I loose and panic that I am in a mess or win and panic as I feel consumed by gambling thoughts. It's not a calm way of living. If I stop gambling I could easy save 500 pounds a month, which in turn would lessen my long term fears. I was prescribed citolpram which helped with the impulse thoughts for a while. My father is currently terminally I'll. I know what's coming in the new year and need to get my mind sorted to get me through this. I also need to stop the compulsive checking of my bank account. I know u have enough to live on so should just live and stop obsessing about money. Having gambled for many years I have an unhealthy relationship with money, with a pattern that needs broken. It's going to be a tough few months ahead until I form new routines and achieve new goals

Posted on:
Sun, 29/10/2017 - 15:40

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

Just worked it out. From now until new year will have me at 69 days GF... What a great way to start the new year. Bring it on. I am scared but excited as I am determined things have to change. I really want a new start and it's only my actions standing in the way of that. I know it will be a test, a couple of milestone birthdays coming up in the family which will see me skint and will test me.

Posted on:
Sun, 29/10/2017 - 17:23

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi you have been through so much and even though probably don't feel like it go easy on yourself, everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. I can tell you're more determined than ever so go for it! We're all 100% with you. I find checking in everydayhere is a great help and just focusing on making it to bedtime without gambling. Best wishes and hugs S:)

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 21:35

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

First real urges tonight, flashing visions of clicking Dorothy shoes trying to lure me in. I must admit rather than run from the thoughts, I have faced them head on and reminded myself this is not the life I want. The urges have passed. Today I haven't and won't gamble.

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 22:06

Moorey631986

Joined:
2016-09-08

Well done for passing the test tonight. 

Proving that you’ve resisted the temptation of gambling will give you great confidence going forward. 

We’re almost at double figures!

So many times I’ve looked at others who are in double figures and wished I was there myself. 

Soon it’ll be our turn. 

Let’s keep ticking off these short term targets :)

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 22:54

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

Yes Moorey won't be long, let's aim for 14 days and then beyond. I'm feeling strangely calm, not thinking about money or lack off it, or doing overtime or selling items to lessen the guilt of money spent. Blimey I have gambled for so many years I have forgot how nice normal is.

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 23:06

Moorey631986

Joined:
2016-09-08

Isn't it great!? :)

It's exactly how life SHOULD be. But Compulsive gamblers, like ourselves, rarely experience these periods of normality because we're only ever a few hours away from our next roller coaster ride of emotions. 

I've had a few urges over the last 9 days but generally I've really enjoyed coming home from work and not feeling guilty about gambling away money that I know I can't afford. Going to bed with a clear head and waking up feeling positive about the day rather than trying to put on a brave front for work.

These are the good times. Let's ride the train of normality....

 

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 23:19

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Good on you for riding the urges, not easy but you know they will pass and nothing good can come from giving in. I second Moorey normal is good. Paying bills, doing a decent food shop and waking up guilt free. Take care S:)

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 23:39

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Flipping lethal those red shoes Katiecoo. Although I've never played it I know exactly where you're coming from, only in my case, as I've said before its a pesky leprechaun and pots of gold or stars. I just can't allow myself to think about them because if I do the urges become stronger. It galls me the fact that I was caught me hook, line and sinker.
I can't keep running back to them. I have to tell myself that when I play I have short term happiness that ALWAYS leads to long term unhappiness.
All good wishes, stay strong, keep blocks in place.
LML x

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 13:42

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

No urges today to gamble, will be working late which is a blessing as I will pretty much hit bed when I get home.
Just sitting thinking on what drives me to gamble. It definitely has been a mixture of anxiety and trying to escape it. Putting myself on a sandwich budget, isn't distressing. It's a relief, I know my bills are going to be paid and I don't need to check my account as the normal 10 pounds here and there on unnecessary spending, never mind gambling activity, is not leaving so there is no movement and no need to check.

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 16:15

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

I know what Dorothy's Shoes and Glindas bubble are, they don't lead to the wizard and the main wish he dealt out was debt. All the different games can hook you in especially if you saw them a lot, you liked the film so you liked the slot but didn't realise we were getting hypnotised and hooked to playing it for hours chasing bonuses and clicking shoes. Realise what they are what there designed to do and the devastation they cause, stay away. Stay GF.

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 00:43

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

Double figures today...:) Next step is end of November. Gone pretty quick to be fair as I don't want to gamble no more. I am under no illusion though that the demon lurks. I will never be cured, I am a gambler in remission. I can life with remission !

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 15:03

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

Flip me. What a trigger. Just wrapping the kids Xmas presents and remembered a big win I had last November...swiftly also remembered however how the site had every penny back within 3 weeks!!!! Today I will not gamble!!!..hate these urges but I am not a defeatist.

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 16:56

Moorey631986

Joined:
2016-09-08

Keep going Katie! These triggers and urges will come and go. Almost as predictable as night following day.....

But the important thing is how we deal with them. So long as the end result isn't you gambling, then you've won the round. It's as simple as that.

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 20:43

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

A post before my night shift. Felt vulnerable today, but am determined to give peace a chance. Been reading some inspirational diaries, some of them were started at the same time I came on here last year. I could have had the same number on my day count. Determined that I will get to this place also. For all those people who are winning the fight, I am so proud for you, your strength and courage is inspiring to read.

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 09:16

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

A really testing nightshift, the closest I have got to gambling yet. I didn't gamble as I stopped myself. What stopped me? I don't know that answer. I know what should've stop me .... every time I gamble I cheat my family, I accumulate debt, I feel emotionally insecure, but last night none of these thoughts were at the forefront of my mind, in my gambling brain they were all after thoughts. Hopefully during this process the mist will clear.

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 09:39

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Well done Katiecoo on resisting. Stick two fingers up to gambling and show it you are the one who is winning now by refusing to give in to it.

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 10:15

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Well done on resisting. I went for months changing one thing then another, will power, giving credit cards to friends, having daughters check my bank statement but eventually I always found an avenue somewhere. Problem was, even though i knew i was in my overdraft with my bank card and my head used to say, it's not your money you can't spend it, i knew that the opportunity was always there. What started off as £20 here and £20 there always turned to £50. At times, like the moments you experienced last night I would resist but unfortunately sometimes I would just give in. As you say, when you get the urge nothing else matters, we can always invent an excuse to gamble.
That opportunity has gone completely now because I cannot use my bank card online. Now I know that it's impossible to get online it takes away my head screaming at me to be strong and resist temptation. I've just had to accept I can't do it and that's that.
It has made it easier, even though I still get the urges I just think there's no point in wanting to because I can't. I just try to think of something else or look at my bank statement and see no casino withdrawals. It's amazing how little I spend when I'm not gambling.
Keep going katiecoo, only way I can do it is to make it impossible. Don't give another one of your hard earned pennies to these money grabbing companies. They make out as though they care. Only thing they care about is whether they've managed to brainwash and fleece another victim. x

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 19:45

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

Considered gambling tonight. Common sense has prevailed instead I have found it helpful reading other diaries. I am determined to push through, how can my life change if I don't change my habits... it can't*!

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 19:59

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

Hi Katiecoo

Well done on avoiding gambling today. Realising that you have the strength and willpower inside you to choose to not gamble is a great feeling, isn't it?! 

Gambling never, ever brought anything positive into our lives. We never really won, we only held some of their money for a while before giving it back to them, and them we would give back more of our hard earned cash. Gambling took our time, our money, our lives... and gave us nothing positive in return.

Well no more. Today we choose not to gamble. I wish you well in your recovery and look forward to reading more positive posts from you.

Stay safe and stay GF. 

 

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 20:29

Dogg1414

Joined:
2017-10-31

Well done on fighting those cravings 

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 21:43

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

Feeling very nervous tonight. I know when my nerves are going as I tap tap away at a calculator trying to work out debts and a savings plan. I really need to just live my life and stop this obsessive thinking about money. I hope one day I can just concentrate on living my life. I don't even know why I do this as if an unexpected spend comes into the equation, the tap tapping begins again and I'm in melt down. I actually am lucky that I can pay my bills, my job isn't well paid but I don't really have lot of outgoings. I really am scared of money...maybe from all my years of gambling it has been the cause of all my anxieties. Can't wait for the new year.. I know things will get better over time. If I don't gamble I can try to save

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 21:51

sjwsjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Hello Katie

I know its easier said than done but don't focus on money. Money is an excuse our addiction uses to keep us involved in gambling. You are paying your bills, there is no need to worry. Your money situation will improve if you just give it time. I think we become obsessed with the idea of more, even though we never actually get more from gambling. Quite the opposite.

Relax and look after yourself, take the support you can get and do what you can do to help yourself through this and things will get clearer. You might not feel like it but you are getting somewhere. Everyday you resist is a win.

Take care

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 21:52

Moorey631986

Joined:
2016-09-08

You’re doing so well Katiecoo.

Your financial situation will improve if you continue to abstain from gambling. It’s as simple as that. You’re actually saving money each day without you realising because if you were still gambling now, you’d be going further and further into debt. But you’ve stopped the financial bleeding and the wounds will heal over time. You’re on the mend :)

Try not to obsess about money.

Nothing will have changed (for the worse) overnight.

Your life has been made far better since you made the decision to stop gambling. 

Moorey x 

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 22:38

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Stay strong Katie your doing so well.

I can identify with your totting up the ingoings and outgoings. I would have really stupid thoughts like... "well I can just get by with what I've got but if I win a little money I can get a few extras". Absolute madness because we all knew the misery waiting  around the corner when we gambled.

A variation of 'one day at a time' could be 'one nightshift at a time'!

Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 08:21

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

Many thanks for all your kind comments. I was about to tap tap again, but instead will concentrate on not thinking about money today, it's so not healthy and another addiction that needs broken

Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 08:34

guest account

Joined:
2017-03-20

Hi Katie coo

Just had a read of your diary so thought I'd say hello. Well done on staying gamble free, keep going!

Totally get what you're saying about the money obsession. I'm the same too hun. Definitely some lovely advice above.

Take care

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 08:40

marson_123

Joined:
2017-11-02

Hi Katie,

Just read your diary and the mobey obsession is definately a thing for me too. I think because we feel that gambling has caused this we try to look at the quickest way out to undo the damage gambling caused. I now understand that while ever im obsessing over clearing my debts i will not address everything else in my life and the problems i have. Your diary is a really helper keep strong and stick with it together we can all get through and live a life GF.

Mick

Posted on:
Sat, 11/11/2017 - 19:34

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

Just checking in. Days are going very slow

Posted on:
Sun, 12/11/2017 - 18:41

staying_aware17

Joined:
2017-07-26

 

Hi Katie, 

Like you I've been addicted to online slots and I basically wasted my twenties gambling as a form of escapism. I've not gambled for over a year now and I can honestly say that handing over complete control of my finances is what worked for me. I feel like this is something you may need to consider to keep up your success of not gambling long term especially as an online gambler. by doing this, I stopped my ability to lie and be deceitful and I've become better for it. Is this something  you could consider? Just a suggestion but I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong.

Posted on:
Mon, 13/11/2017 - 20:59

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

I wouldn't hand over my finances as my husband and I have always kept separate accounts and after a failed previous marriage, I guard my independence fiercely.. I know I have it in me to stop, I think my addiction is due to my nerves and need to self destruct. We own our home and the debt I have is unsecured( credit cards). Alot of this debt came from me gambling when he was ill. I wouldn't burden him with how careless I am with money. I am able to repay my debts monthly and should have enough to save also. My spare cash should be spent on my family not me escaping in a room at silly o'clock. I know that. To give away control of my finances would be to loose control all together

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 00:05

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

The voice of logic....
Finished work late,my husband has just gone to bed, the voice in my head says find a site to gamble on,this would have been my normal routine. Finally the voice of reflection is there also.."if you gamble you will lose, you will feel low, depressed and full of despair". Needless to say today I will not gamble neither do I want to.

Posted on:
Sat, 18/11/2017 - 09:58

Moorey631986

Joined:
2016-09-08

Just checking in on you Katiecoo to make sure things are going ok :) fast approaching 4 weeks gamble free. 

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 08:46

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

Yes all good Moorey, keeping busy with work and enjoying the buzz of Christmas. Days are going faster now that I am not concentrating on them as much.. I have holidays next week which will be a testing time. I am also making payments on my cc then immediately reducing the credit limit to leave my without money to burn.

Posted on:
Fri, 24/11/2017 - 10:46

Katiecoo

Joined:
2016-11-25

I cannot get gambling out of my head. I actually don't want to gamble no urges but the sequence of wheels and imaginary situations are consuming every part of my day. It's so weird like a voice saying gamble and then the other saying but you don't want to? (As I don't). Its with me as I do my chores, shopping , school run. This is so not a normal way to live. My grain is so so damaged and my money counting has started again!

Posted on:
Fri, 24/11/2017 - 14:44

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

It's very difficult to shake off those thoughts, but you have to know they will come, you was addicted and you are trying to break a chain that your Gambling Mind does not want you to break, its difficult as it will try so many methods to lure you back, know its there and the longer you abstain the more it will try all sorts of mind power to get you back. Keep on resisting it's not a normal way to live but the longer you resist the happier you will become. Stay Focused.
 

Posted on:
Fri, 24/11/2017 - 18:54

Moorey631986

Joined:
2016-09-08

Hi Katiecoo, these urges will come and go love!...

Despite us being at 32/33 days, this is still relatively early on into our recoveries. 

So long as we keep batting away those urges and adding to our daily count, that’s all that matters. 

Each day that passes we’re getting stronger and stronger. 

Keep going! :)

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