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Why do you stay with you cg?

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#1 Posted on:
Fri, 20/10/2017 - 15:46

Red Rock

Joined:
2017-06-07

I'm doing a lot of soul searching at the moment as I try to find a way of moving forward after discovering my husband is a CG a few months ago.

Our relationship is on seriously rocky ground at the moment and I wondered if anyone would share the reasons they decided to stay with their CG?

For me, the reasons for staying so are that I want to honour my marriage vows and support my husband in his recovery. I also have four children to consider. But he's not making it easy. He continues to lie. I think he's still in denial about the extent of his gambling and the seriousness of he debt he has amassed. And I'm finding it really difficult to come to terms with pursuing a relationship in which there is no trust and where I have lost all respect for my husband. 

I feel like I am in a lose/lose situation. If I stay, I am making myself vulnerable to more hurt if and when he relapses and lies to me again. And any further gambling will mean we might lose the house and the security that goes with that. But if I go, I will be potentially putting his recovery at risk and I'll turn my kids' lives upside down. 

At the moment I (finally) have access to see his online banking and credit reports. So sticking with him means I can monitor the situation. If we split, I will have no idea what financial strife he's getting into.

I'm just so fed up with the secrecy and lying and feeling like he's just going through the motions of GA and marriage counselling to keep me quiet.

So why have you stayed? Or what was it that made you decide to leave?

Posted on:
Fri, 20/10/2017 - 18:53

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi red rock, I stayed initially because I thought it would stop. Didn't really understand that it has such a hold on him. When he finally went to ga the first time, he handed over finances, salary direct to me. I went to gamanon and learnt that I had no control if he gambled or not and it wasn't my fault. I also had no job. 2 young children. The main reason I guess is I could still see the person I know without gambling. My best friend, the person who knows me, who has always been generous and understands me. I don't think I'm the easiest of people to get along with. He is a troubled soul. But today life is good. I'm glad I stuck it out. He's not an easy person, bipolar 2 and a cg!

Posted on:
Fri, 20/10/2017 - 21:55

Red Rock

Joined:
2017-06-07

It doesn't sound easy - but I'm pleased life is good for you now.

I'm struggling to see the real husband. The one without the gambling and the lying. He hid it so well. There have been so many lies. I'm not sure I know who he really is anymore (or if I ever did).

 

Posted on:
Sat, 21/10/2017 - 08:27

Nikki56

Joined:
2017-10-01

After i found out he's gamblibg for the first time i stayed as i thought it will stop, he got support, seemed to improve. We had a young child and i was quite vulerable i guess.

I am in a similar position Red Rock - cannot see the person i thought i knew only the lying **. If i stay it would be only on my terms eg i get complete financial control, I can leave if i have to or if things are not working out, he contributes to daily chores, attends all his meetings, continues working. I go to my meetings. We'd need a plan in place, where ge goes if he moves out and who does support him in recovery as I refuse to be the one main suport and all responsibility that goes with it. What do we do with childcare if we split. If he had gambing urges and does or tries to do something about these that's positive - fair enough, I can live with it. If he relapses and lies to me or i find out later he has another debt he's out. Hope for the best but plan for the worst i guess.
This may seem harsh but i grew up with one unpredictable adult where all family life revolved around his needs and inability to cope and would not repeat the pattern for my children.

Posted on:
Mon, 13/11/2017 - 23:47

MissyMae

Joined:
2017-11-13

This thread caught my eye as to be honest I don't know if I should stay or not.

I found out today my husband is a CG. He has lied to me for years and wracked up ridiculous debt. He already has MH issues I have supported him through and I knew about some of his debts but nothing like what I discovered today.

One part of me still loves him. And my two young children would be devastated if we left, which is probably my main motivation for staying right now. Plus I am scared of how I would cope alone.

The other part of me knows that although it would be but wrenchingly painful for me and the kids, our lives would be easier, more secure, calmer and maybe even better without him... I don't know.

One of the hardest things is the trust element. Will I ever be able to trust him again? Or believe anything he says? Can you maintain a marriage where one person doesn't ever trust the other? Ever?... I don't know.

Sorry for my rambling. This is all still very fresh and new. And as I said, I don't know if I should stay or not. So will find the responses helpful I guess...

Posted on:
Tue, 14/11/2017 - 08:09

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Missymae I'm sorry to hear your story which sounds so like mine. MH issues and gambling! Initially it's just a massive shock, money, debt and how to get through the day. I went to gamanon. I took over finance, learnt I couldn't stop him, but I could change me. These aren't fool proof solutions but they help. Is he seeking help? No one can decide for you whether to stay or go. You have to think about what you want. If he's not seeking help and unwilling to hand over finance, complete transparency then you need to be the one to safeguard yourself and your money. Don't pay his debts. Call gamcare and talk to someone, find a gamanon meeting. Get support, don't keep it a big secret. Ask questions on here, good luck!

Posted on:
Tue, 14/11/2017 - 10:43

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Hi

Mr L is (as far as I know. We can never be entirely sure) closing in on four years gf now. I have just reached the point where a limited amount is potentially available to him but it's in accounts I see very,very regularly. Everything else remains in my sole name and always will. I still open post. He still gets the third degreee on anything out of the ordinary. It's absolutely fine not to trust a gambler with money. Why would we? If they want recovery it's one of the many consequences of their actions they must face.

You don't need to rush to make a decision on staying or going but while you decide you must make sure you are on top of everything financial for your own and the children's safety. Put yourself and them first every single time. You can't control what he does but you can draw your lines in the sand and stick to them.