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Why did you stay/why did you leave?

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#1 Posted on:
Mon, 04/12/2017 - 20:09

JazzMax

Joined:
2017-11-27

I have recently found out about my husband's CG problem and the associated debts. In true CG style, there has been a web of lies and deceit involved. I suspected a problem a year or so ago and offered help then, which was refused. I thought he'd sorted it himself (as I wasn't aware how out of control it was). We have a 5 year old and have recently relocated, moved her school and bought a house which was meant to be our forever home, very close to my family. Leaving the marriage means uprooting our child again, having to move and possibly (due to logistics) therefore also having to move her school again. Moving will also likely mean moving into a much smaller place in a not so safe neighbourhood, as I won't be able to afford a lot on my wage. It also is likely to mean having to sell things like her trampoline and bigger toys, as I won't have room for them in a flat. Not a big deal but perhaps it is for  five year old. I only work part time but it's my dream job and local. If I left my husband, I'd likely have to leave my job  in order to get a full time one (and who knows where that may be). 

Of course staying means unhappiness for me - I don't trust him, I don't like him for what he's done to us and I certainly don't respect him. I'm sure that the atmosphere will rub off on our daughter and that's not great either. I don't think I want a life of 'managing' an adult when I have my own career, home and child to look after. I'll just resent that too. Plus I'm petrified of him losing the roof over of head - its main my me unwell!

What the hell do I do???

Posted on:
Mon, 04/12/2017 - 21:28

Nomore

Joined:
2017-10-31

Hi there

It's a decision only you can make and you seem to be weighing up your options.

Something to consider is if your CG continues to gamble it's likely that rent money/mortgage payments and bill money will all go towards gambling as will money that you have spare to spend on toys etc.for your child. You may have to get a full time job anyway to in order to keep things at home afloat if your CG does not choose active recovery and hands financial control to you.

It's a very difficult decision to make however you must put yourself and your childs needs first.

Take care x

Posted on:
Mon, 04/12/2017 - 21:30

JazzMax

Joined:
2017-11-27

Oh financial control is happening, Nomore

Posted on:
Mon, 04/12/2017 - 22:20

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Hi jm

Spoken to you on chat not long ago. Said I will pop by and here i am. Not sure what to say, just didn't want to "lie" by telling I will come by and turn on my heels and run...reality is, this section hurts me a lot and I honestly don't visit it often...i hurt for all of you but maybe I should read more often to understand what it does for others better..

I didn't have time to read your thread but as I learned on chat, You're going through very painful path at the moment . I'm glad you found this site as it's equally here to help you too.

Stay or leave?

I cannot answer this question. I "bagged" this addiction while I was single. Still am...i guess I don't trust myself yet.

As far as I've read around and spoke to partner's affected, it's absolute nightmare being put in this position. Wall of bricks crash down on you.

I'm sorry you hurting. It's not right but there is nothing you or me can change now.
As suggested, Please seek help and advice, Don't give in in possible manipulation and further lies.
Put your wellbeing first. You matter.

I hope you find the way forward to silence that mind and find peace again.
You both need to work and gaining trust again.
Only he can accept his wrongdoing and reach for help. I hope he does that.

It's not you...rememeber that.

I am probably not much help here..but..i just want to wish you strength and ....just look after yourself.

C.G. - Sandra

Posted on:
Mon, 04/12/2017 - 22:53

Nomore

Joined:
2017-10-31

Sandra

I echo every word of your comment. Couldn't have put it differently.

Take care of yourself. We're all here to help ourselves and each other (whether it's recovery from gambling or recovering as a loved one) and to provide support without judging x

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 09:26

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi jazzmax. There have been questions about this before. What do you do? You are still in early stages, rash decisions are made when you're so overwhelmed. If you take over finance completely with credit checks, closed accounts, you can make it work. I don't see it as babysitting. It's safety, what makes you feel secure. Plus it shows you they mean it. Money is irrelevant to a cg, they lose all concept of value. Your anger is speaking, you've been betrayed and you've taken it personally. That isn't their intention. I think you need to (if you want to) learn more about addiction. You also need to learn to let go, learn to deal with this. I wanted to keep my family together. I could see if I took control that we would survive. I read everything I could, literature from gamanon, books on addiction, relationships, depression, codependency. There are loads! A bit of therapy too. I don't think this is the right time for decisions. When someone is so angry they are unapproachable, there is no room for discussion and reason. I have seen many partners come and go in gamanon meetings because they can't accept that they chose that person. Once you accept you can move forward. I know you want a magic wand to make all this go away but it won't. Get some real life support, go to a meeting or get some counselling. Make an informed decision not a rash one. Keep talking, asking questions.

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 10:31

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Everything you are feeling towards him is completely normal. When I discovered Mr L had done it (and worse) all over again we were due to go on holiday and I can recall wondering how I was expected to go with someone I felt I despised for what he'd done. I did manage it but there were a lot of very plain home truths spoken (shouted) around that time. I was fed up with walking on the eggshells the addict manages to strew in our path and I let rip many times over. I think now some of it was shock at some of the things he'd done. I honestly wouldn't have believed him capable if I hadn't seen them.  Ultimately I didn't walk away because frankly I couldn't see why my standard of living should fall (although inevitably it does when debt repayments get factored in) and also because when push comes to shove he'd have done it for me had the positions been reversed.

He was however made very, very clear on how things were going to be i.e. I was in charge of all money, and all major purchases made in my sole name. He was also made very, very clear any significant relapse would mean instant curtains. I will not go through that or anything even close again. He is (as far as I know) closing on four years gf now. He would have been over that but for an insane moment with a 50p piece while out shopping which means he now carries no cash routinely.

No-one can decide for you but it can be done so long as he complies with everything you want no matter how trivial it might seem to anyone else. Your side of it is ongoing vigilance. Yes it's a slog and feels like an imposition but it's a whole lot better than the alternative. It's not what any of us would have wanted in an ideal world but it's up to each of us to decide if the negatives outweigh the positives.