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Where do I belong

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#1 Posted on:
Fri, 25/08/2017 - 10:08

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

to whoever reads this   Should everything I write be in f&f because I am a wife of cg? Am I in recovery? Is gamcare viewed by gamblers as mainly for them? I'm really struggling and I feel that no one gets it, whatever 'it' is. I sometimes feel I have more shame. Why are you with a compulsive gambler? Again? 17 years of marriage and he tells his mother first. Not only are we lied to by the gambler but also by them. My opinion is not valid, no one talks to me. I get support at gamanon, but sometimes I want to hear from a gambler. My cg won't talk, if he doesn't like what I say end of conversation? Am I kidding myself? Is my support that worthless? I really don't think people understand the effect, it is a pond with ripples. I'm just frustrated and angry by the treatment of my intelligence. But maybe I'm the fool!

 

Posted on:
Fri, 25/08/2017 - 10:49

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hi Merrygoround

Thanks for your question. No, everything you write doesn't have to be in the f&f section. Most affected others on here use that section for their main thread or diary, but if you want to start a diary in 'recovery diaries' you can, as you are also on a recovery journey. If you want to pose a question or start a discussion about an aspect of overcoming gambling and the problems it causes, then you can post in Overcoming Problem Gambling. You can also post here in Debates if you want to start a debate about something as opposed to ask for advice. It's up to you. It can be useful to post outside Family & Friends if you're looking for perspectives from recovering gamblers. Sometimes Forum Admin might move a thread if they feel it's more appropriate somewhere else. If this happens and you feel strongly about it, email us on [email protected] and we'll consider your request. 

Best wishes

Deirdre

Forum Admin.

Posted on:
Fri, 25/08/2017 - 11:12

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

Start a diary in the recovery diary section, recovery is not just for CG it's also for those effected by gambling.

I think it would be a great insite to see on a day to day/week to week diary of your thoughts and I'm sure you would receive plenty of interaction from other diary users.

KTF 

Posted on:
Fri, 25/08/2017 - 11:36

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi again .

Firsrtly I really feel your pain at the moment and can understand all of your dilema's , from my point of veiw as a CG I think it has to be about you now , what you want and what your needs are and if you want to post anywhere on this forum that's entirely up to you . When I first came here I did believe this site was all about us as gamblers but when I got my first few post's from family members of CG's many of which had a different tone to them than I'd been used to , a little more to the point or direct if want I was a little flustered and in all honesty It wasn't what I was prepared for or really wanted to hear but that being said as time's gone on I realise just how an important part of our recovery you all play in tha tand it's good therapy to hear your side of thing's and how it made you feel , were a selfish group when we gamble and really give little thought for those we leave in our wake .  

As for your husband ? well only my opinion but if he dioesn't want to talk about it then it just say's to me that he really doesn't want to give up gambling because once you know then you vcan only move forward  , I may be wrong but if you confess it's one thing as youv'e started to think things through but if your Found out for whatever reason then that's a different ball game completely and  He's been taken by suprise and maybe he think's that when all the dust has settled he can go back to the way it was ? . 

I suppose deep down none of us truly want to quit and again being honest if I could go back to gambling " Responsibly" then I probably would but for me that's just not an option anymore so it has to be stopped completely Gambling is something weve alway's got a buzz from but that comes at a heafty price the longer we gamble and it becomes totally unmanagable to continue with.

As tough a thing as it is to do  I really think it has to be about you now and what you truly want , will he change , will he open up and give you total transparency as you deserve ? and how long will you put up with it is more to the point ? Your the innocent party here and he need's to know in no uncertain term's what your plans are if he doesn't comply with your wish for honesty for which the foundations of any relationship sit .

Whatever happen's It's nice to have you on the forum and telling it like it is :))  

Posted on:
Fri, 25/08/2017 - 12:39

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Alan he will talk about gambling, I have all finance, he has no money. It's the other stuff, like his mother and how they treat me. Why didn't she tell me? All that duff. She's the same, can only talk about what she wants. Controlling. Avoidance, guilt!

Posted on:
Fri, 25/08/2017 - 13:11

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

She's probably ashamed of him To be honest or maybe it's a " Genetic " thing or again has he learn't his trait's from them ?

But your right it is all avoidance of dealing with the problem's in front of them , as a gambler  avoidannce was a trait of mine too !

Instead of taking responsibility for my actions or dealing with everyday things in life such as Bill's ect I'd just bury my head in the sand and pretend they weren't a problem because the answer alway's lay in a bookies shop which in itself just created a bigger mess and further avoidance . When I came to addresing my issues this whole avoidance thing was initialy ver difficult to overcome and still today I get moments where my mind looks for the easy way out " The path of least resistance " I believe it's called , the difference is that now I face my demon's and when some issue arises it's dealt with head on .

He's got to accept change in his life now , nothing will be the same anymore for either of you and I'm afraid you need him to open up regards his family and how their making you feel  , you need to have this out with them preferably when their all together as this is not a mess created by you , it's thier son and them deflecting any blame and redirecting it toward you is not going to solve anything .

I can't give you a difinative answer to all of your concerns as much as I would love to , all I can do is tell you what went on in my mindset when I stopped ,so I hope it helps but apologies if not . 

Posted on:
Fri, 25/08/2017 - 15:36

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Alan don't apologise. I just feel it's another betrayal and he never understands how I feel. Plus why don't people warn you if they know? His mother just treats me with contempt and I just keep my mouth shut. I just feel even if I did explain she doesn't care. Who knows, I feel I need courage to confront it. Then is my wisdom telling me to leave it? See even I can talk myself out of it!

Posted on:
Fri, 25/08/2017 - 16:09

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

We can all talk ourselve's out of almost everything we want to confrot in life and it's usually just fear of the uknown that holds us back but I think you do have to confront those fears that are chaining you down otherwise how will anything ever be any different ? .

All this gambling issue could well be the first of many that may need to be addressed before you get to be in a Good place again ? and it may not be just your husband that has issues with opening up and confronting things head on .

I sounded quite harsh then and that wasn't my intention but obviously if things are to move forward you need to have many answers and some will be from the in laws.as it sound's as though they are also a cause for concern , maybe a time for the " Bridget jones big pant's" to go on and have a word ? ( can't believe I just addmited to watching those movies , still that's just between you and I )   :)) .  

Posted on:
Sat, 26/08/2017 - 07:21

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Alan, being on this site is a big wake up call for all concerned. Time is over for tip toeing around and listen to some truth. I get that totally and I am all for confronting her. But she is a liar and this is all just another deceitful ploy to ignore everything and carry on as if nothing has happened. It's not her fault he gambles, it's not her problem. In some ways it's not mine, but there are behaviours that we all continue with. I guess I just want to know if it's me being over sensitive. I'm a firm believer that your wife comes before your mother. It's his betrayal of me. But if I talk with him he says it's me. It's the 'game'. He will tell her not to talk to me and me not to bother. So I'm trying to work out a way to deal with it, not cause a row, not make things worse. I don't trust her so why should I confide in her? My problem is I can't stop thinking. I hate 'bs'. My husbands had lots of therapy and the latest was connected to work stress etc. Hypothetical balloons, let it go. It's a discussion about a subject which I'm sure many other families experience. I just need to find a way to get rid of it.

Posted on:
Sat, 07/10/2017 - 08:18

Nikki56

Joined:
2017-10-01

I think the problem is with husband not mum in law Merry go round. He speaks with her as he know she will be more likely to go along with his story than you. Again, this is perhaps a systemic/family issue with both his family and your marriage, if it was me I'd think counselling and setting boundaries for yourself and asserting your righrs in this relationship. Not all problems are about gambling and sometimes other supports are necessary; in the same way, just because someone has a gambling problem does not mean it is always all about them now in any relationship. I dont care if people gamble or not, manipulation, blaming and abuse are not right and need to be addressed separately.
No you are not overreacting. He is manipulating you.

Posted on:
Sat, 07/10/2017 - 10:57

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Yes totally agree. I know he's manipulating the situation, me and her. I go to my gamanon meeting. I don't need her interference she's as much a game player as he is. 

Posted on:
Sat, 07/10/2017 - 13:56

Joydivider

Joined:
2015-03-11

I think you belong wherever you like on this forum Merry Go Round and being the partner of a gambler shouldnt define you as a person.

I think there should be a friends and family section but I understand how it can seem thats the only section you should be in. Its really tough for the people affected by gambling and it too easy for gamblers to dismiss how they affect others around them.

There is a tendency for gam anon to be seen as a lightweight get together if you know what I mean. Not by me though. In reality the partners of gamblers are going through the same trauma and its worse in many ways because they feel so helpless and confused about something they didnt cause.

I didnt set about to hurt people around me with an evil laugh. Its something I was doing in the grip of an illness. Im not making excuses and I took them all along on the ride of lying and deception. To my shame I used them as a source of income which was used to gamble again. I was even kidding myself that it was to replace the money as I just gambled it again.

I feel that a gambler that is truly ready to stop will be handing everything over willingly. Any reluctance or sullen behaviour/refusing to talk is to me a sign that he is not happy with some aspect of recovery or some aspect of the relationship

This is about you and what you want from the relationship. If I had a girlfriend and she kept confiding in her mother and shutting me out, it would be a pretty short relationship as I cant think of a lot worse than that

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

 

Posted on:
Sat, 07/10/2017 - 15:01

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

I think maybe this is veering in the wrong direction. He will talk, he's handed everything over. He's told her about his latest relapse, 100+ days ago. What I find odd, weird, is that she never talks to me about it. The family have always functioned through her. If either kids had problem with each other they went to her. She likes it, she likes control. She likes to gossip. She has never said 'don't involve me, sort it out yourselves'. Subsequently they don't know how to. I have had her shut me up many a time 'end of conversation' is what she says to me. I have also been on the receiving end of her gossiping about me from the neighbours, and I mean literally over the garden fence. I don't think it's weird he talks to his mother, I think it's weird she doesn't talk to me. Offers no support. That's all. She's burying her head in the sand. That's fine, it's not her concern. 

Posted on:
Sat, 07/10/2017 - 15:43

Joydivider

Joined:
2015-03-11

well you are talking about relationship issues with your husband and your mother in law. I am not a relationship counsellor and these are separate issues from the gambling. He doesnt seem to talk to you so Im not veering in the wrong direction

If he has handed all control of the finances over to you and has self excluded with strong blocks then I can only say that recovery is under way. However its positive if he can talk to you about his feelings about gambling on a day to day basis.

I wouldnt talk to my mother and make my wife feel she was being shut out as that is crass, insensitive and a recipe for trouble.

I dont like gossipers and it seems to be a classic mother in law problem scenario.

I dont know everything about your relationship so you need to tell him and/ or your mother in law whats upsetting you and talk it through. Ive read what youve said and one minute you are saying he wont talk ...then he will.

You are understandably annoyed and confused. I cant help with relationship issues so I feel Ive jumped in here where I cant offer much you want to hear.

Best wishes

 

Posted on:
Sat, 07/10/2017 - 16:07

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

 Sorry to butt in :(( I was thinking the same thing as Joydivider's point in that I feel it's two different issues really , Is it that your mother in law is forgiving of her precious son ( Mummy's boy ) comes to mind sorry if that offend's and he's get's less of a " Rollicking " from her just as he's alway's done or is it as JD say's a " Mother in law issue " ? It's her boy and nobody's ever good enough for him ? If she thinks she's able to control you by you being quiet when she say's " Coversation over " then I imagine she's feeling quite smug ? 

Maybe time for some strong word's ? 

Posted on:
Sat, 07/10/2017 - 18:23

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Joy divider I'm going to clarify. I posted this initially 25/8. I'm sorry I just went back and reread it. It's being revisited because someone posted on it today. Yes I put he won't talk. Now, today he talks. I don't want you to say , I'm not going to comment. This is discussion. I want to hear what people think that's why I post. I forget plus things have moved on. I was addressing the latest post about my mother in law. I also think I have to get everything off my mind, too literally. The whole point though of a cg is that they are secretive and manipulative. I need to be clearer and less hot headed. It's all about talking and perspectives. I think I'm nuts really. Sorry 

Posted on:
Sat, 07/10/2017 - 19:16

Joydivider

Joined:
2015-03-11

Merry go round wrote:

Joy divider I'm going to clarify. I posted this initially 25/8. I'm sorry I just went back and reread it. It's being revisited because someone posted on it today. Yes I put he won't talk. Now, today he talks. I don't want you to say , I'm not going to comment. This is discussion. I want to hear what people think that's why I post. I forget plus things have moved on. I was addressing the latest post about my mother in law. I also think I have to get everything off my mind, too literally. The whole point though of a cg is that they are secretive and manipulative. I need to be clearer and less hot headed. It's all about talking and perspectives. I think I'm nuts really. Sorry 

Thats fine. No offence is taken and I didnt mean to cause any offence. I feel for you I really do and I understand that is must be driving you nuts.

I dont know all the ins and outs and its hard to know what to say. Obviously you are an adult and you would have confronted the situation if it was easy. Its not always easy in family relationships and telling the mother in law a few home truths can kick up a right stink which backfires on everybody 

I dont discuss my relationships with my mother because she has her own opinions and she doesnt always get it right. Who I choose to live with is up to me and I think my mum knows not to interfere.

It also heals for you and it is a healing process for partners. Its as much about you becoming calmer again and even serene. Its about you looking at things in a new way just as much as the gambler.

A gambling addiction is one of the biggest tests of a relationship and it may be that other aspects of your relationship need dealing with. This is why we are treading on eggshells because I dont know your relationships and I wouldnt want to patronise you

I would hope you have the sort of relationship where you can dicuss and change things. However lets face it that some people dont and just walk away under the pressure

What a gambler does to their partner can not be underestimated so this is about you talking it through with other people. Its about your quality of life.

If you feel stressed or anything there is no harm or shame in admitting that. Gamblers that arent fully ready for the born again moment can be very manipulative, secretive and stressful.

have you got close family you can speak to? I went to the doctors when under stress. I didnt find them super helpful but it was an avenue I wanted to explore.

So as we all say its just as much about you but we can only give the usual advice about seeking an outlet through counselling, talking about it, building strength and getting some more support around you

Best wishes

 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 08:43

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

So I did it, told her, had it out with her. Now I feel rubbish. Now I know she lied to me for years, never told me. She sat there and held my hand and said 'yes I knew'. It feels like she enjoyed it. Power. I asked her if she thought it was ok? Told her they've all ignored me, excluded me and my kids from family. Never once thought to themselves 'how does she feel?' Now I know for sure, I'm gutted.