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What to do?

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#1 Posted on:
Mon, 27/03/2017 - 22:04

GeorgiaLouise

Joined:
2017-03-27

My Dad has been gambling for years. He has 2 daughters, me and my sister. I'm 16 and my sister's 11. Ever since he was with our Mum he has gambled. He says he only does it when he's down but even when he's with us, his own kids, he still gambles. I think that's more of an excuse. Does that mean he's down even when he's with his own children? Do we make him feel that upset? It feels like it's that way. In October last year he met a new woman who then became his girlfiend and so he split up with our Mum. Just a few days ago he split up with that woman who he had been with since last October. One of the main reasons for them to split was because he kept gambling when he was with her, she didn't like that. Dad says that he doesn't have a gambling addiction but my Mum, myself, my sister, my Mum's parents and the woman he was with since October last year all know he does. I feel like he does know he has a gambling addiction but he's guilty which is why he won't admit it. All I want for him is to get the help we know he needs but we can't until he admits himself that he does have an addiction to gambling. I don't want him to carry on wasting hundreds and hundreds of pounds on gambling because I don't want him to find himself in a worse place later on in life. The things that could happen to him if he loses all his money. He could be left with nothing. I feel the reason I'm doing this is because as he isn't doing anything about his gambling addiction then he could get to a really low point in his life and I only want him to properly be happy and to stop. I want to support him through this because I know he does need help and I don't want him to lose any family or friends through gambling. I know he won't be able to settle down properly into another relationship if all he does is gamble money because women won't be able to trust him . I just feel so stuck on what to do as he doesn't listen to his family or friends. 

Posted on:
Mon, 27/03/2017 - 22:17

Letdown

Joined:
2017-02-15

Hi , I am quite new here too but reading through other people's posts will give you some help.My husband is a compulsive gambler who has gambled for years and I have young children.He refuses to go for any help,thinks he can control it but he can't.He uses any excuse to gamble a little row,bad day , feeling down, feeling lucky etc.Until they are ready to accept help well you can't stop him.You can chat to someone on netline and they are helpful ,they could point you in direction of support .It is not your fault or your sister's fault .Look after yourself . 

Posted on:
Mon, 27/03/2017 - 22:49

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

It not your fault honey & your Dad can love you with all his heart & still be too sick with his addiction to accept that he has a problem.  My mum is addicted to gambling so I do understand how much this hurts but I am also an addict so know that we can still love people very very much even though we hurt them a lot.  

You are very young to be trying to get him help this on your own...Do you have an adult you can talk to who can help you cope with this?  If not your mum, then one of your teachers maybe?

Us gamblers are very stubborn about admitting we have a problem or accepting vital help.  Could you maybe tell him you have signed up here so that you can help him & see if he will come onto the site with you?  You are right, he does need help but you are his baby & you shouldn't have to do his worrying for him.  

Please try & speak to your family about how you are feeling & remember, you can always contact childline: 

childline.org.uk or call 0800 1111 

I think it's very brave of you coming on here but this site is generally used by adults only and sometimes we're very angry about stuff as well as being very bad @ listening so try not to let anything you read upset you - Kelly

Posted on:
Mon, 27/03/2017 - 23:52

triangle

Joined:
2014-03-14

Good call ODAAT.  Addiction is hard for everyone.  I hope you call childline Georgina.

All the best tri

Posted on:
Wed, 05/04/2017 - 10:37

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Dear Georgia,

It is good to see you joining us here and thank you for telling your story. 

If you would like to talk it through with an advisor one to one, you can always contact us on the Helpline on 0808 80 20 133 or the NetLine http://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum.

Maybe you are interested in counselling, which gives you an opportunity to talk about your worries in person and to get support for yourself with this. If you contact us on the Helpline or Netline, we might be able to set this up for you.

I can see how worried you are about your dad and how you find it difficult to understand why he gambles. And it is hard for you, because you don´t know what to do about it and how to help.

While there isn´t much you can do to help your dad stop gambling as he would need to do this for himself, you can think about how his gambling does affect you. Maybe he spends less time with you than he would otherwise, or maybe he doesn´t focus on you and your sister in the way he would otherwise, or maybe he doesn´t support you emotionally or financially as he would otherwise? You can think about this and talk about it with him.

You are right, if he doesn´t want to admit his problem, it isn´t going to change and it is difficult to argue about it when he insists that he doesn´t have a problem. You can always let him know how this affects you though and how you wish for things to be different.

ODAAT has already given you the childline number. They are very good to talk to.

All the best to you!

Gabriele

 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 05/04/2017 - 14:12

Rhoda

Joined:
2016-12-06

Hi GeorgiaLouise, I'm so sorry that your dad has this addiction, but isn't seeking help at the moment. Us adults get things wrong at times; I went to the casino rather than spend time with my son when he was home for a weekend; it wasn't that I didn't love him, just gambling had become my way of dealing with feelings....suppose I was running away. You and your sister don't make him unhappy hon. Please do as has been suggested and speak to someone, because you need support. Well done for telling your story on here, it cannot have been easy. Helen

Posted on:
Fri, 07/04/2017 - 07:32

gamparentanon

Joined:
2016-04-22

Georgia Louise

I am glad you have come on here because you all need support with this problem.  I can see you have taken the problem onto your own young shoulders in order to help your family.  You are such a caring girl but it should not be your responsibility.  You are 16 and have your own future to think about and hopefully your Dad's behaviour will have made  see mistakes you should avoid.   If you are doing exams or college etc or new jobs concentrate on that because it is important you look after yourself.   Make sure you take advice from the posts above. Either ring Gamcare yourself or get your Mum to ring them or if you are at school or college there are support networks of people you can talk to in confidence  If you all want to help your Dad you need to do it as a family. Get your Mum to get  lots of info on the problem of gambling and how to help then maybe, as a family, get your Mum to get your Dad over to talk about things.   Stay on here and keep talking if you like as there will always be lots of help and support for you or encourage your Mum to come on.  You are a good daughter.  Take care.

Posted on:
Sun, 29/10/2017 - 23:09

GeorgiaLouise

Joined:
2017-03-27

Thank you for all the advice everyone. I know I am young to be taking this into my own hands but I feel as though I can deal with it as well as college and I do have people who can help support me with dealing with this situation. I am now thinking on what step to take next to try and help my Dad. 

Posted on:
Mon, 30/10/2017 - 07:51

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Georgia Louise did you call gamcare? There is gamanon online Sunday evenings. That may be a good place to look. Also maybe reading literature about addiction. I go to gamanon meetings, I'm wife of a cg. As you've said you can't help him until he acknowledges his problem. So what we learn is that we need to change our response. As a wife I can remove myself from an argument, stop nagging, give ultimatums. As a daughter your position is different. If it's associated with depression does he see his gp? As others have said it's not for you to be worrying about but it's obviously concerning you. I did the research that is at top of f&f page, contacted dr banks. He might be someone who can give you more insight. Email him? Try not to let it overtake your life. Good luck, look after you too!

 

Posted on:
Mon, 30/10/2017 - 11:49

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

He does have a gambling addiction and he needs to face up to it. You, your sister and your mum need to do whatever you all need to do to make your lives better. You cannot help him until he accepts taht he has a problem. 

Posted on:
Mon, 30/10/2017 - 11:50

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

As already posted by others, please call Gamcare Georgia

Posted on:
Mon, 30/10/2017 - 14:23

emm88

Joined:
2017-10-25

Hey Georgia, just to echo the sentiment above please give Gamcare a call. This isn't something you will be able to deal with on your own, although your dad is incredibly lucky that you want to. Get as much support for you and your dad as you can from other people as that will make dealing with this a little bit easier.

Good luck and keep posting.

Posted on:
Mon, 30/10/2017 - 19:06

Nikki56

Joined:
2017-10-01

How has your mum been coping with dad's gambling?
You also need to get help for yourself - I'd suggest Coda or GamAnon, maybe your mum would go along too?

Posted on:
Mon, 30/10/2017 - 23:25

GeorgiaLouise

Joined:
2017-03-27

Oh my Mum and Dad aren't together anymore and as of this they are not on good/talking terms so there's nothing she is really going to do about his gambling. 

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 07:19

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Georgia Louise maybe if you tell her how it's affecting you she may change her mind. While they were together and afterwards gambling would have affected her too. As you see from you dads behaviour denial is a huge part of the cycle. It would be great if it didn't affect us all but it does. 

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 08:16

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Hi, GL,

You can’t get your dad to do or refrain from doing anything. Same goes for your mum. Not because you haven’t tried hard enough and not because you lack the magic formula, not because you don’t love them. You can’t change anyone else because you can’t physically control them. You have already found this out because all your best efforts aren’t working. Much more importantly, it’s not your job to fix them. They’re adults.

Don’t worry about what anyone else is doing, look after you and get help for you. As you’re so young, you might try Al-A-Teen, for teenagers whose parents have a drinking problem (Gam-A-Teen isn’t available in the UK). Not quite the same addiction but the effect on the family is pretty similar. Google it or the number is 020 7593 2070.

Take care,

CW