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Posted on:
Mon, 29/05/2017 - 11:49

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi, so glad you've posted but sad you've had such a horrendous time :( I think we have been addicted for a similar amount of time 5/6 years? I am still eaten up by what an awful person I think I am (I haven't told anyone)but telling people for you may be what makes it different this time.I feel like I live but am not living because I'm so eaten up inside by everything, I'm considering a trip to the doctors just so I can let it all out! . I wish you sincerely alk the best in this fresh chapter and everyone here is with you 100%, take care and slowly but surely we will get there to a GF life worth living and which everyone deserves. Big hugs S :)

Posted on:
Mon, 29/05/2017 - 12:05

Who am I

Joined:
2017-05-17

Thinking of you Little Miss Lost. 

It's great you've got the support of your daughters.

Just keep on trying 1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day at a time. Stay strong.

You can still make this your best summer ever; picnics in the park, nice walks, baking with your girls, spending quality time with your friends and family, movie nights, bbqs.. 

All the best and keep believing in yourself. 

Posted on:
Mon, 29/05/2017 - 13:41

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks to all who have supported me both today and in the past.
I don't know the answer to solving my problems.
I'm seeing a counsellor, I've told my family. I've got blocks back in place. All positive steps.
Life seems to be so difficult yet it should be so simple.
I can't keep beating myself up, what's done is done and it doesn't help anyone to keep going over it.
I don't want to live in a world of regret. Nobody wants to be around a negative person. I just want to live in a world with no urges to throw money down the drain. No more tricks played on me by my slot addled brain. I just want to live in peace and be happy with my world. I know I can achieve this but I know it's ultimately up to me.
I need to make myself better. I have to try again. I will get there. x

Posted on:
Mon, 29/05/2017 - 22:55

Glint

Joined:
2016-01-08

Great to see you back Little miss lost.

Some very brave positive steps taken.

Parents have problems too. Much as you will want everything to be perfect for your daughters - it's not realistic (or helpful in the real world). You have lovely girls, I'm sure having a great mum played a big part in that.

As heartbreaking as it is unjust the low opinion you seem to have of yourself. Your counsellor can help with that. One of the most valued things we can possess is self-respect. You certainly should have it and will do if you keep working at it.

Accept and expect things to be difficult for now - it will slowly get better.

Sort of sad return but very positive too.

The big steps you have taken will make a big difference.

Posted on:
Thu, 22/06/2017 - 22:20

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Here I am again. Been gamble free since my last posts.
Firstly, in the beginning, because I knew I had to show my daughter my bank statement and secondly because I have been so busy for 2 weeks that I haven't even had time or energy to think about it really.
I'm getting a bit more time on my hands now so it's making me think about it again but I know I can't do anything. I've only a little bit of money in bank. No overdraft, no credit card.
I changed my bank account yet again and stephan get have just notified me saying my dmp has been set up!!
I'm hoping that means I won't have to deal with anyone now. I hope the letters/bills die down!
Back on track, I've no other option other than to stay on it.
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Thu, 22/06/2017 - 22:33

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Stephen * step change!

Plus I WANT to stay on track. Don't want to get dragged back into the gambling hell hole. Life is sooo much better without it! X

Posted on:
Fri, 23/06/2017 - 07:55

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Great news miss ....you're doing well....
Glad dmp sorted. ...that will be a weight of you're shoulders...
Keep pushing on love x

Posted on:
Sat, 24/06/2017 - 22:43

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks for your support loxxie.
I'm just putting debts to back of my head now. DMP is said to take 30 years. I'll be 80 by the time it's paid so what's the point in stressing?!! Stay strong everyone xx

Posted on:
Sun, 02/07/2017 - 10:39

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi all,
I pop in every now and again but i don't post like i used to. I just want to drop a line to anyone out there who is struggling with online gambling.
I've struggled for years. Stopping and starting, stopping and starting thinking I can stop all by myself. Feel good for short bursts then beat myself up time and time again for failing miserably - each time getting further and further into debt. Spending money that I just plucked from the air with the use of credit cards. Switching balances from one card to another 0% for balance transfers.
There lied the problem for me. More credit available, more temptation, just a £10 deposit won't hurt which then becomes £30, £50, £100 and the debt builds up. The same old story, win some then over the next few days put it all back in - and more. Despair, beat myself up, cry, hide, hate myself, struggle to face up to going to work, ring gamcare, ring samaritans, email samaritans daily and wonder how am I ever going to escape from this exhausting, hellish life?
Next came counselling, tell a friend, ask her not to tell anyone. I have an outlet - feel a bit better, have a break from gambling for a few months, start to feel good but all the time credit is available tempting me. Answer - give credit card to friend - great, but still have overdraft to go into. Still have the temptation. Still have the urges. Still think there's a chance to win. Still think just £50, I could clear some debts. Still live with allowing those thoughts to be in my head. Still live making excuses to my family for me not having money. Still go without, no new clothes, no takeaways, no nights out when invited, thanks to those spinning reels I don't have the cash or the inclination. Basically the fun and happiness has just been sucked out of my life.
Change bank accounts - I'd been with them for over 30 years - it hurt. Had to, I had to admit I can't pay loans, overdrafts, credit cards etc. Feel ashamed, feel stupid, feel despair. Stop for a while. I'd self excluded over time from just about every site yet still find one. Get hold of my credit card details again - another £2000 debt to add to the £18000
All this time my grown up family worried, see me struggling, being emotional, ask me if I'm OK. I still won't admit, fob them off until one day I wake up and my head screams at me to tell them. In one way they're relieved. They thought I was ill - physically, not mentally.
I am lucky, they asked how they could help.
They now check my bank account every month, check I've no gambling withdrawals - I don't mind, I want them to - it helps.
I set up a dmp with Step Change. I change my bank account -yet again.
I know my credit rating is now shot. I've no overdraft. No chance of a credit card. Now I only have a small amount of money in my bank account but for me, it's helped. It was hard. I still had urges but then once I knew I couldn't get my hands on any money the urges got to be less.
I'm sleeping better, relieved I can pay one payment to stepchange a month. I still go to counselling. There's only a few people in my life who know, at the moment that feels right for me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is please don't give in if you're in despair. I've been there, I've been an absolute wreck. I now feel so much better. I honestly never thought I would. If I can do it, you can too!! I'll never say I'm free from gambling but I feel so much more in control of my life now. The word happy is now back in my vocabulary.
All good wishes, stay strong xx

Posted on:
Sun, 02/07/2017 - 20:04

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Lml thank you for this thoughtful and encouraging post, people like me and many others need to know it is possible to progress and move forward. I guess it is day by day changing habits and being kind to yourself. Take care S:)

Posted on:
Sun, 02/07/2017 - 23:47

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks sharon, guess I also want people who are in the earlyish stages of gambling to maybe be able to realise that they are going on a similar path to mine. I'm hoping they can take heed and do something about it before they end up borrowing more and more credit. It never seems to lead to happiness. They've the opportunity to get help quicker than I did so as not to get into as much debt as me.
It really has helped me by removing temptation. The urges are less maybe because my head knows there's no point.
I know we're all different but that works for me.
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Mon, 03/07/2017 - 19:10

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thankyou LML . As you so rightly advised , I need to 'cut myself some slack ' . Sometimes the shame , guilt and remorse is so overpowering it can feel like a welcome respite to gamble again , regardless of the consequences .We are all aware how devious and manipulative this terrible addiction can be . I know perfectly well I have done wrong and don't need the addiction to keep rubbing my nose in it . The cowardly way for me to address this situation is to wallow in remorse / self pity . Or I can take note from one of your diary posts : " Their is light at the end of the tunnel , just stay on the right track " . That says it all . Financial recovery plans in place ( it is a long tunnel but whatever ) . Work towards achievable goals , or maybe I might just chill out and see what comes around . Wishing you happy times and fun on your journey of recovery . Stephen x ps sorry I do ramble on a bit . 

Posted on:
Mon, 10/07/2017 - 00:58

Our Lady

Joined:
2017-02-21

Lovely to see you posting lml.  I have not posted for ages!

I am so happy to see that you are now with Stepchange - so am I!  It is so much better and yes, it will take years but hey! I do not bog myself down too much with it.  Anything could happen/change.  At least we both know that as each month passes, our debts will reduce, no matter how small.

Now time to find my diary and make a note.

Take care and look after yourself.

Our Lady.x

Posted on:
Tue, 11/07/2017 - 17:41

Alimbutt

Joined:
2017-06-23

Hi guys
I have just joined stepchange. 30k debt. Depressed and bad health due to breast cancer treatment. Told dr and partner. Still all new and scary. Written letters to credit cards as couldnt face speaking to them. Opened new bank account. Getting forms ready to send back to stepchange. Dreading the responce from banks and card companies. Head is blown

Posted on:
Tue, 11/07/2017 - 23:39

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thank you our Lady, lovely to hear from you again too.
Glad you are still on the right track. There's room enough upon it for us all!
Alimbutt, thank you for your post. I agree it is quite scary and I'm sorry to hear about your ill health.
You sound as though you are helping yourself, contacting stepchange is definitely a step in the right direction.
It can be daunting, embarrassing and make you feel ashamed having to talk to credit card companies, explaining why you are struggling but the majority of them are very understanding and you come off the phone usually feeling a sense of relief. Unfortunately the credit card company operators receive these types of calls all day long. These are nothing new to them, we are just one in a long list of numbers.
You must start to feel proud of yourself now. You are trying to help yourself and believe me for gamblers, that is not easy. Look forward from this moment on and concentrate on getting yourself better. Make sure you have barriers in place to prevent you from gambling. There are not many people who can stop without them.
Most of all remember you are worth it. You deserve some happiness.
Wishing you good health, strength and happiness
Lml x

Posted on:
Mon, 17/07/2017 - 18:32

Alimbutt

Joined:
2017-06-23

Thank you lml still gf but temptations still strong. My downfall is slots in the bingo halls. So hard to get the urge out of my head but still trying.

Posted on:
Thu, 20/07/2017 - 23:26

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Just a note to say I'm still here. Still gamble free.
Absolutely loving walking around my daily business without having the dark and heavy gambling cloud on my shoulder.
Anyone out there who is suffering at the moment, don't despair. You can come through this.
I know you'll probably not want to hear it but if you're serious about stopping, put blocks in place, (you'll find advice on this forum.)
So many of us have, for one reason or another found ourselves in this position, a position that once upon a time we wouldn't have even imagined. Ring gamcare or the samaritans - for the majority of people it really is good to talk.
I now have no means for credit and my bank balance is still being checked by my daughters, to see no payments come out. (My problem was online slots)
Not the ideal situation but it's one I have to be in to make sure I can start rebuilding the kind of life that I want for myself.
It's a small price to pay for happiness.
I still read a few diaries and want to say well done to all those who are staying strong, determined to kick this debilitating addiction into the gutter, where it belongs. Never give up.
All good wishes
Lml xx

Posted on:
Thu, 20/07/2017 - 23:53

changemylife

Joined:
2016-11-02

LML I'm glad that you are still going strong despite the continuing financial struggle. Maybe we all wanted too much too soon. Money for nothing. Luxuries of life. We were drawn into the world of gambling and were thrown out the other side... Keep on being strong!

Posted on:
Fri, 21/07/2017 - 00:15

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Lovely post miss...
Made me smile...
You're spot on hun. ..lifes wonderful without slots...
Xx

Posted on:
Sat, 22/07/2017 - 23:31

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks for your kind words changed my life and loxxie.
I know I've been here before. I know I have to be on my guard.
I know my life is so much better without throwing money away on those online slots.
I feel such a better person and have more self respect. When I gamble and more often than not lose, I struggle with who I am.
When I don't gamble the person who I used to be starts to shine through.
I don't want to struggle any more.
Roll on summer - sunny happy days ahead!
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Sun, 23/07/2017 - 23:44

Our Lady

Joined:
2017-02-21

Hi Lml

Lovely to read that all is going well for you once again.

Take care.

Our Lady 

Posted on:
Tue, 25/07/2017 - 20:29

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Lml thanks so much for posting earlier, indeed we have had very similar journeys. I think I have just had 2/3 of wallowing in a giant vat of self pity which will get me nowhere, your words ring true so I will do my very best to try and lay the past to rest, learn from my mistakes but not carry them as a burden forever. So glad that I am not stuck in the circle of gambling and living life as a bag of nerves, I'm gradually building up self respect and self worth. So thanks again and here's to our GF futures S:)

Posted on:
Thu, 10/08/2017 - 19:41

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

What a horrible addiction this is! On the whole I'm feeling good because I don't have the weight of having just made losses hanging around my neck. I remember that feeling well.
I've been gamble free for a few months now though it feels longer!
It must be that three month itch i get, back again.
The cause of it is maybe because I have a little bit of spare money in my bank. At first I was so pleased to see my account showing some money that I looked at it for a few days running, just so I could bask in my glory but then . . .
These last few days I've been stupidly wanting to gamble again. The urges are back, the kidding myself that I may win has crept back into my thoughts. I've even thought I don't mind if I lose £100 as long as I have a go on the online slots. Madness!!!
Why oh why won't these urges go away. I know all the heartache it causes first hand!!
Well, I'm happy to say that I have gone against my stupid thoughts, visited my daughter, told her I'm struggling, drawn myself some cash out and transferred my spare money into her account. I'll get it back as and when I need it.
It's not easy eh? I almost left her house without admitting my struggles. Stupidly, nearly thought I'd rather struggle than to have to admit to my daughter that her mother is still an addict, trying to be in recovery - really not my finest hour but unfortunately it had to be done because if I hadn't she'd have seen withdrawals when she next checked my bank account anyway. (A block I'd previously set up upon admission to my adult children of my addiction)
Well, I'm waffling. I'm now looking forward to an evening where I don't have to fight the demons because I know I've no money to gamble with. Tonight I don't have to compete with the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other!
As I said at the beginning of my post it's a horrible addiction but it's one I've got myself into and only I can get myself out of it. It really does depend how much you want to.
Only put this down because it may help others in a similar position to me, to recognise you're not alone. It's really difficult to fight some urges. Don't give up. We want and deserve better for ourselves and gambling will never work for us. Its true, we cannot win because we cannot stop.
All good wishes to everyone x

Posted on:
Thu, 10/08/2017 - 20:02

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

You have the strength..keep on going & winning...you clearly have a common sense...well done!!!

I learned a lot from you today..thank you for sharing

Sandra x

Posted on:
Thu, 10/08/2017 - 23:42

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey miss. .great honest post love...and big hugs for not caving in...massive respect to you for turning to your daughter for help and support when that urge hit
you......you can do this this love...you've already come so far. .don't let that addiction suck you in...you're better and stronger that that....sleep right...xxx

Posted on:
Fri, 11/08/2017 - 10:09

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Before I finished reading the end of your post I was thinking 'maybe give someone else the spare money etc' but you had already done it! Don't be too hard on yourself, inner strength batted off these urges to get you to where you want to be. Also your post will show others it can be done (including me! ) So keep going, inspiring others and remaining GF, take care S:)

.

Posted on:
Fri, 11/08/2017 - 14:44

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Hey LML...

Firstly thank you for a hug..greatly appreciated ☺ i seem to like them more now so here one goes bk your way!!

Also thank you for a lovely post. Positivity shining through and it's lovely to see it.
Life is an adventure...ups and downs. Sometimes we cannot have everything we want and most of the times things are out of our control...that's just life but as SA says.." it goes on" ☺

But we can change some things, ....like fighting urges to gamble and look for help...it's out there and we can do it. Start doing things differently, accept support, forgive ourselves for the mistakes and move on.

No matter what and no matter how tough going gets... - never ever give up. That's the rule for life. Always remember - "there is sun after the rain". Keep reaching for that freedom dear soldier, you're on the right track.

Thank you again.

Sandra x

Posted on:
Fri, 11/08/2017 - 23:54

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks to all above. It's lovely to receive your support.
There's no doubt about it life can become complicated and quite stressful with all the problems that can come with just every day living.
The times I (and no doubt many of you) have wished to be able to run away. Start life again where nobody would know of me or my past.
Would that be the solution though? Truly,why would I think like that because I could never imagine not seeing my family regularly. But oh sometimes when I've got myself so low it's seemed like the obvious solution. Run away, Lick my wounds and not have to face anyone.
A way to cope with being the person that this addiction has made me become. I sometimes can't belive what I've become.
I know I can't run away. I know I have to face up to admitting I've messed up. Now it's time to clean the mess up. Only then can I feel worthy of looking the world in the eye again and saying 'Yes, it's me. I've made mistakes in my life, but that doesn't mean I'm not worthy. It doesn't mean I'm a horrible person. I just want happiness like most others. I will find that happiness even if it's just waking up in a morning and thinking to myself 'It's a new day. One I can look forward to facing and sharing with others. One where I have not brought any upset and turmoil upon myself. One where I can feel free from this addiction. Where I can feel in control of it and not have it control me. That day will come because I'm tired of hurting. I have to take control of me. I have to be happy with who I am. I only have one life and it's there for living. I've moved a step closer to achieving my goal. I've admitted I have problems. I have reached out for help. I'm so lucky to have received help with love and understanding. I will get there. Life could be good, if only I'd just allow it to be.
I wish happiness to all on this site. It can be very lonely living with this debilitating addiction. If possible try to get some help. Sometimes we all need a helping hand, it's not a sign of weakness because you have to be strong just to ask. We all deserve another chance.
Lml xx

Posted on:
Sat, 12/08/2017 - 21:49

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hi LML. Thankyou for that lovely post on my diary , really lifted my spirits ..x stephen 

Posted on:
Sun, 13/08/2017 - 00:47

Our Lady

Joined:
2017-02-21

Stay strong LML.  "Surf the urge". Just like a wave, it/they, will eventually coming crashing down.  You are doing so well and like me, you are lucky to have a loving supportive family who are there for us as we are them.

Take care.

Our Lady 

Posted on:
Sun, 20/08/2017 - 16:39

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Still here, looking in on the site every now and then.
Still getting used to checking my bank account and seeing it's still got the same amount in as it had a few days ago. It may not be much but it's still there and not overdrawn.
Had a chat with my eldest daughter about how easy it was to become addicted. How I didn't feel it creeping up on me until it was too late.
We only touched on it but it was still something to just be able to talk about it.
To be honest I think it helps my family as well.
They don't usually mention anything about it but if I start on the topic they seem genuinely interested and to be honest they just say they wished I'd said something earlier and stress I must contact them if I struggle. (If only it was that easy) They don't talk down to me at all and say they can see how easily people can become addicted.
What I've done to deserve them I don't know!
It doesn't make me feel much better about myself but it does make me aware that they are wanting me to succeed. Wanting me to be happy and willing me to kick gambling into touch.
I don't think people really realise the mental strain caused by gambling and the way it makes you feel such a failure in life.
I recently read a post on here mentioning the dark cloud that follows you around and the feeling of waking up in the morning after a gambling session the night before - I remembered those feelings well, the heartache and pain it caused. I truly don't want to go back to it.
It helps to be reminded of it every now and again. It reinforces the choices I'm making now are the right ones. The dark cloud has gone and I don't mentally - and even sometimes physically, beat my pillow, (or even myself) up in a morning.
As for everybody, life is still throwing problems my way and to be honest there are times all I want is to hide away and sit and spin the reels but I know that's not the answer and to be honest because I'm self excluded from what seems to be everywhere and have minimal funds at my disposal it's a non starter really.
Well I've rambled long enough.
All good wishes to everyone who's aiming for a better life. We can do this - we must do this if we want to succeed!! xx

Posted on:
Sun, 20/08/2017 - 16:41

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

PS Thanks abstainer and our lady for your recent kind words. They are much appreciated xx

Posted on:
Sun, 20/08/2017 - 21:38

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hi LML .Great to see your life is getting back on track  , regaining your composure and starting to live again .

Think of your gambling days as just an unfortunate blip on the landscape .

Your wonderful daughters are displaying unconditional  love , compassion , kindness and understanding . I think maybe they picked up those admirable qualities from their mother ..... stephen

Posted on:
Tue, 10/10/2017 - 22:42

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi, I'm back again, just like the proverbial yo yo.
I had my daughters check my bank account, did it make a difference? Did it heck as like. Maybe it's because they got a bit lapse with their checking. Maybe it's because they let me off and try to understand when I have to confess or, more to the point, it's because I am a total headcase who needs to take responsibility for my own actions and not blame others for my weakness.
I've lost money again. It's affected my life. I got asked to go on a weekend away. 1 week ago I could have gone. Now I have absolutely nothing and when I get something I'll have to pay it out.
I've borrowed off family, I've moaned to friends.
Each time I relapse, another piece of me dies, goes numb, makes me feel like running.
I also go to the next stage of blocking myself from online sites. Now my bank have given me a card that only withdraws my cash from cashpoints. That was after I'd rung them up asking if they could stop my card from being used on gambling sites. Now I can't use it online which is where I gamble.
Sorry for the rubbish news and being an absolute loser. Things must improve now I can't get online.
Onwards and upwards. People don't have to reply. I might just use this site hopefully as a means to an end.
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Wed, 11/10/2017 - 08:14

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Least you've come back miss...
You know what you got to do. .
You've just got to really want it..like you said. ..it's up to you...no one else...don't let those slots take anymore from you...hoping the new card helps you to get some distance between you and yours last play....the day i twigged a slot machine was not going to provide the answers to all my problems ....that they had actually caused the vast majority of current dilemmas I was facing. ..made me realise I didn't want a selfish greedy machine as a so called friend..comforter...crutch etc etc ...
Do it for you love. ...we have to do it for ourselves. ...
Trust me....you won't regret it...
It's a dam hard climb to the top of the gamble free hill. ...actually it's a freaking hard slog. ...but once dust settled...things sorted..and plans In place....you're futures yours....controlled by you. ..not a pathetic slot machine. ..
Go for it...it can be done. ..xcc

Posted on:
Wed, 11/10/2017 - 08:37

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi lml I'm wife of cg and I handle all finance. I was clueless, I had no idea he could still get loans without money in an account. This continued for years. If your daughters are helping you with your money they need to learn about addiction. There is no way in our daily lives we realise what measures we need to put in place. As you say checking once a month doesn't help. I don't envy you this is such a struggle. Just for today, good luck!

Posted on:
Wed, 11/10/2017 - 15:14

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello LML glad to see your still alive and kicking (missed your contributions to the diaries).

You now seem to have covered all the blocks, exclusions and financial restraints which is good. Getting another beating from the gambling addiction can leave us feeling quite wretched, we've all been in similar places and it's not very nice. However you have your health and a supportive family so just pick yourself up dust yourself down and start all over again ( I think I must have heard that in a film ! ). 

What has helped keep me from having a bet is making a daily entry in my diary. Even if it's just a line or two it can become a daily ritual which is preferable to getting abused by wealthy bookmakers.

Take care ......stephen

Posted on:
Wed, 11/10/2017 - 22:40

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks to all above. I really don't deserve your support. You've given me so much in the past and I've gone on to throw it all back.
It's easy, you know what kind of future you want, what you have to do to get that future, occasionally after a good few gamble free months you feel like you're getting there then wham! You're right back where you started.
Awful thing is, I seem to be coming immune from the awful feelings that come with a big loss. I used to be in a right state, now I seem to just take it in my stride. Yes, of course I'm upset but I'm not beating myself up quite as much like I used to.
The debt keeps on rising, I try to put it to the back of my head.
I just loved watching the reels and waiting for the big win. Now I don't have the means to do it I'm wanting to educate my head to being gamble free. Dopamine rushes will have to come from somewhere else!
Once again thanks for the kind words above. I will get back on track. I just have to . . . This is not the life I want. Xx

Posted on:
Thu, 12/10/2017 - 06:58

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Sick of saying that this is not the life I want. I'm showing my age now when I say I'm like a cracked record!
I'm not so active verbally on the site now but I have always actively read posts.
Gathering my strength up to get through this. I'll just settle for one gamble free day at a time for now.
Strength to all who need it xx

Posted on:
Thu, 12/10/2017 - 10:25

Dean0

Joined:
2017-09-14

Hi lml 

Been reading your story and I’ve noticed there’s a sticky in the overcoming section at the top looking for participants in trialling the new gamstop software for multi online self exclusion. If you have the time it may be of use to you? Just a thought and best wishes

Posted on:
Thu, 12/10/2017 - 21:43

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks for your post and your concern Wentworth. I hadn't noticed the sticky so thanks for pointing it out.
I really admire all those who have managed to turn things around.
It's a massive hill to climb.
Why do I need this addiction in my life? I don't like the results of it. I'm lucky, I have so much with my family, especially now that I have a gorgeous little grandson. I don't want him to grow up with an addicted granny!
Sounds awful when I put it like that but that's what I am.
I can do this. I want to lie in my bed at night and not have gambling cross my mind. I love reading books, why can't that be enough? I have always done my gambling when I've gone to bed. I've either gone to bed and gambled or lain there thinking how I shouldn't gamble or that I won't/can't. One way or another gambling has still crossed my mind. I want to go to bed and it not even come to my mind.
Ramble Ramble Ramble. . . Night night xx

Posted on:
Mon, 16/10/2017 - 04:45

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

4am, been lying awake since 1.30. Got a cold and it'd preventing me from sleeping.
Quiet times like these when our problems weigh on our mind even more so.
Debts emerge in thoughts, although they're manageable now I've got the help of stepchange and a dmp.
Not sure how long creditors will stay quiet for and they'll never be paid off unless I live to be 80 but I'm hoping my circumstances will change by then.
I have tried several ways to prevent me from being able to gamble but eventually failed with them. I could go for months without gambling but then have a couple of weeks where I'd fail and my debts would increase.
I now have no means to do my online gambling, therefore temptation is taken away. (Bank card can only withdraw cash from machines) fortunately I have no urge to go into a bookies or arcade. I'm avoiding playing free slots/demo games even though my head is sometimes telling me to. I'm hoping through not giving myself the fix it will help to not crave it.
To be honest I think about playing these but then just lately it makes me feel a bit disgusted in myself for even thinking it so it puts me off and besides, my head is saying - what's the point?
My family are all happy and healthy so that's a massive plus.
My work is difficult/demanding at the moment but I'm happy to have a wage at the end of the month.
I'm hoping for a brighter future. A future where I'm not reliant on feeding slots with money that seems to be plucked from thin air.
Hoping I can get an hours sleep now I've got this down on paper - so to speak.
Strength and belief to all to create a happier future for ourselves. Especially to those who are really struggling. Many of us have been there, don't forget there are many who have succeeded to turn their lives around. Things can improve but we have to put in the effort. We all deserve a better future x

Posted on:
Mon, 16/10/2017 - 20:44

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Lml good to see you posting here again, you're not a loser!! We can all relate to how you're feeling, I lost count of the number of times I would lie awake panicking and asking myself why, the phrase 'the darkest hour is just before dawn' rings in my head. Be kind to yourself and draw a line, which isn't easy but not being able to go online is a good move. Best wishes and here is to the GF life we all want S:)

Posted on:
Mon, 16/10/2017 - 21:54

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks sharon, I haven't really been away. I just haven't contributed. Guess that's because of the guilt in me.
It's amazing really. I read posts which advise that online slots are designed to take our money. I agree with them. I've even watched some of the ones which were recommended but even though I could see where they were coming from it still didn't stop me.
I'd like to think I'm of average intelligence (maybe just below!) but when it comes to gambling I'm just a crazy lady! No off switch, and thoughts which tell me hey, you're fine. Perfectly within your right to keep dishing out the pounds - after all you've worked for it! Other people buy new cars/clothes/holidays, you don't therefore you can spend your money on the slots.
As I said, amazing, but those thoughts do appear.
I'm batting them away with a new found energy.
Good wishes to all x

Posted on:
Tue, 17/10/2017 - 06:58

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Was tired last night when I wrote the above. Just re-read it and thought what an idiot. To say 'you've earnt it, you deserve to spend it how you like' only thing is I'm kidding myself there as well, it was money from my overdraft which I then moved on to put it on a credit card!! Not my money at all to spend!!! How our heads play tricks on us, just to allow us to gamble and make us feel it's OK. I'm waffling again! x

Posted on:
Tue, 17/10/2017 - 19:53

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Ut's good to waffle,  I-very always been 'all or nothing' so gambling was a dangerous place for me. You're right, your mind tricks you in to thinking it'S ok to gsmble etc and then the hole gets deeper. Take care S:) 

Posted on:
Tue, 17/10/2017 - 22:51

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Good to hear from you sharon, hope youre ok.
m feeling OK at the moment. It's been a couple of weeks since I last threw my money away.
Totally lost the plot, as we do. Start off thinking I'll just put £20 in and end up banking again and again.
I've been trying to unsubscribe from a number of sites which come up in my emails. (Same subscription company on all of them
It says it has been successful and It'll take a few days to come into practice.
I then get an email from the post master stating that the email sent to them (about 10 times over) is no good and the company concerned have knocked it back therefore not allowing me to unsubscribe.
So so wrong x

Posted on:
Wed, 18/10/2017 - 16:49

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Hi LML

Don't be defined by your relapse, it is another day 1, a new day one. You have the will to beat this illness and there is no one more strong willed than a gambler. Our will to gamble overides common sense, we know we will lose but still we gamble. Turn that on it's head and use it as a positive, you have massive will power, more than the "average" person who doesn't gamble.

Move on from your losses and know that each day without a bet is a positive and life can only get better. 

I wish you all the very best from the bottom of my heart. You helped along my road and I hope you can get back on that path and stick to it this time.

Matt

Posted on:
Wed, 18/10/2017 - 22:57

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks Matt, means a lot hearing from you. I remember your early days well. The emotion in some of your posts just leapt off the screen and hit us straight in the heart. This may sound a bit over the top but I'm sure there are some other regulars who were around last year that would agree with me.
Absolutely thrilled to read how well you are doing. I wish you continued success and happiness.
On a personal level It's really helpful in recovery to log on and see familiar names posting. This addiction can make you feel so alone and to non-addicts, understanding what we do can be really difficult. I know when I write on here, even though sometimes it is waffle, someone, somewhere will hopefully understand where I'm coming from, just as I do when I read other peoples posts.
Strength to everyone, we have to beat this to achieve the ultimate - happiness to all xx

Posted on:
Fri, 20/10/2017 - 13:20

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

You're welcome LML

You do not need to be alone, especially here. I really hope you can continue your path because we both know it is the only way to win.

Take care

Matt

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