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Posted on:
Fri, 31/03/2017 - 13:51

Our Lady

Joined:
2017-02-21

This "I'm not a robot" is really beginning to put me off posting on my diary/other people's diaries!  It's getting worse.  Frustrated.com!!

Posted on:
Fri, 31/03/2017 - 13:54

Sillycow

Joined:
2016-12-09

100 days little miss!

Welcome to the Century club :)

Do something nice for yourself , a wee treat/reward is so deserved!

Wishing you success for the next 100....We can do this :)

Take care

Mari x

Posted on:
Fri, 31/03/2017 - 13:54

Guestuser9

Joined:
Before 2009

Congratulations on reaching the 100 day milestone little miss lost is on the way to finding herself enjoy the weekend 

Deano

Posted on:
Fri, 31/03/2017 - 18:36

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Whoop whoop - I made it 100 days!!!
Heartfelt thanks to all who have posted. I will be in touch soon.
Going on a night out so in a bit of a rush but just wanted to say I'm truly touched by the lovely messages I've received. I know for an absolute fact that without your support I would not have reached 100 days so It makes me happy to be sharing my milestone with you all. Whoop whoop!! Haha! xx

Posted on:
Sun, 02/04/2017 - 10:26

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hope you enjoyed that night out..you've earnt it girl...
I'm glad my diary helps...and your welcome to pop in anytime....ask deano about loxfest.....lol
Your doing so well miss...pleasure to watch you fighting the fight. .
Enjoy your weekend .....and smileeeeeee .....life's good x

Posted on:
Sun, 02/04/2017 - 16:50

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Well here I am, 100+ days gf.
So what's changed . . .???

Sleeping = like a log!!
Self-worth = improving every day.
Patience = of a saint - well nearly!
Enjoying my family and friends = massively!
Thinking of having a garden party for friends when the weather picks up = definitely!
Feeling back to my former self = 65%
Accepting this is me and use this debilitating addiction to realise I can get stronger. I can empathise with people and just be happy with a life where I'm content with my lot and free from the weights and chains of gambling = oh yes please!!
A year last Christmas my future looked so bleak. I couldn't imagine that I could be happy and feel in control of my life ever again. A couple of slip-ups along the way but now I feel stronger than ever.
My debts are a massive problem but I'm dealing with them the best I can, so I try to put them on the back burner.
My new bank will think I'm crazy because I look at my statement practically every day. Loving not seeing any casino withdrawals and also seeing I have a credit balance. Not much but it's there nonetheless.
Glint, I've not been on a demo for a week or two now and I'm trying my hardest to never go on them again. Small positive changes, step by step, day by day.
One gf day at a time.
Still waking up in the morning loving the feeling that I have lost not one single penny the night before.
Life's looking so much better and I'm enjoying the good vibes that come along with it.
If you're struggling at the moment don't give up. Use all the advice on this site. You can do it because we are all worthy of a better life. With accepting help and putting in a little effort to push ourselves to face our debts and sort them (phone calls are not as bad as you probably imagine) it can be done.
Happiness to all xx

Posted on:
Sun, 02/04/2017 - 17:20

Pwm101

Joined:
2017-01-23

Belated congrats on your 100 LML  a massive achievement and one not to be taken for granted or underestimated . Seen so many people on here fail recently it's really good to read a success . And you are that success where others haven't made it you have and you should be proud . Here is to half a year next :-) 

All the best 

Posted on:
Sun, 02/04/2017 - 22:56

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks Pwm, kind of you to take time out to post. It's really difficult to read when somebody is feeling distraught because they've gambled again. Maybe it's because I know those feelings well and it's not a great place to be in. It's so easy to get sucked back in. I just hope I can keep myself motivated to stay gf. I've got blocks in place but still a little money in current bank account which I'm hoping won't tempt me. I've succeeded up to now
I see you're on 75 days. That's also some achievement. I look forward to congratulating your century soon! Take care and stay strong! Xx

Posted on:
Sun, 02/04/2017 - 23:52

Our Lady

Joined:
2017-02-21

Hi Little Miss.

Firstly, can I just point out that the post above from me, regarding robots, was for my diary.  No idea how it appeared on yours too???  It is becoming such a turn off.  Just now, it took me at least 15 attempts to go through a series of pictures, just so I could log on here!

Anyway, enough of all that.  Again, a huge congratulations on your now 100+ days.  This is fantastic!  If you want to look at your bank balance every half hour, then go ahead.  I do exactly the same!  It serves as a great reminder of how not gambling all our money, impacts on how our online bank account looks like.  This may pass after a while but for now, if this makes you feel good and remain determined to stay g.f then I think it's a must.

Have a lovely week ahead and look after yourself.

Our Lady.

p.s.  It will now probably take me about 25 goes to just try and post this now!!!

Posted on:
Mon, 03/04/2017 - 09:41

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Fantastic effort on your 100 days LML. 

Stay strong and keep going.

Matt

Posted on:
Mon, 03/04/2017 - 22:40

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks Matt, i wish I had your conviction!
I've been doing so well the last week or so. Feeling happy with myself and loving this feeling. Then tonight - boom! Quiet relaxing bath and suddenly my brain switches to stupid mode and starts imagining reels spinning and jackpots appearing.
Oh my, it's quite scarey to know it still has this effect on me.
I won't act upon it. I've talked myself out of it but to know it's still there pulls me down a bit.
I imagine winning. I know the only way I can win is to not start up again so I've come on this site to take my mind off it.
Thanks for listening. We can do this!! x

Posted on:
Mon, 03/04/2017 - 22:58

Julie 35

Joined:
2016-11-18

LML, what a moment for you...100 days of being gamble free...that is some achievement lady.....and you should be really proud of that...

Keep fighting the good fight.  Am so pleased for your happiness.

Julie x

Posted on:
Wed, 05/04/2017 - 01:19

Our Lady

Joined:
2017-02-21

Well done Little Miss.  Don't be too hard on yourself, thinking that you shouldn't be thinking like that after 100 days.  How long did I go remember?!!  The important and most positive thing you need to take from this is, that it was still only a thought.  This is something that we are all aloud to do!

You are doing fantastic and you will continue to do so.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

Our Lady 

Posted on:
Wed, 05/04/2017 - 15:20

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Little Miss Lost. That little monsters voice is shrinking and shrinking. Remeber the only voice in your head should be if I play I can NEVER WIN. If you don't play you always win.

Keep going you should be proud.

Posted on:
Fri, 07/04/2017 - 20:20

Sillycow

Joined:
2016-12-09

Every single day you tell those urges to pop off is a winning day LML.... you are doing great and the support you give to others (including myself) is to be commended!

Im back on track & fighting fit....Gambling brings us nothing...Life offers us everything, keep making the right choices!

Take care

Mari x

Posted on:
Tue, 11/04/2017 - 06:33

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

My diary is entitled 'uphill struggle' and to be honest, that's what my life feels like.
I've not played on those blood sucking slots for over 3 months now but I'm still in a bad place.
Hanging over my head are my debts, I know people say don't worry too much about them but at the end of the day they are not going away and they are in my name, they are still debts that I have built up in my blind stupidity.
At the moment the companies have been contacted and they have frozen my accounts but I know they'll come knocking again in a couple of months.
£20,000 worth of debts over my head and I'm paying a grand total of around £10 every month towards them. (I do pay £50 to a family member) at that rate I know they will just never get paid.
I'm feeling hopeless and helpless.
I work from 7.30 till 3 (4.15 some days). Granted it's school hours but it's hard work. I had an extra job and did 6 days a week for a couple of years, long enough for me to realise, I don't want it. My quality of life was rubbish. Does that make me lazy?? Then so be it.
Anyway, at the moment I see no debts going down through me stopping gambling and that's demoralising.
At the end of the month, when bills are paid I have very little money, and this is spoken for with birthdays, car mot's, haircut etc.
Yes my debts are not going up, my mental health is much better but each day I still battle with myself, having to convince myself I shouldn't gamble. Why do I still find it so difficult? Others seem to manage.
I just wish I could see my debts going down then maybe I would feel better.
Sorry if I'm all woe is me. It's just one of those days. Wanted to write it down, get it out of my system and move on.
On a positive ending I really am feeling better with not gambling, talking with family and friends is so much more enjoyable and easier. I no longer feel suppressed and weighed down with the burden of guilt caused by gambling.
I'll just go and kick myself up the backside, stop moaning and get on with it. Love to all x

Posted on:
Tue, 11/04/2017 - 10:24

Naneek

Joined:
2017-04-10

Hello LML,

I can see your a little in turmoil with mixed feelings, I fully understand debt can be crippling and make you feel down or low, as I know from personal experiences, but you have so much to be happy and proud about, you've stopped the very thing that got you into this situation, therefore things can only improve and in time little by little you'll see debts come down, but most importantly your keeping at bay the horrible addiction that caused the debts, you've taken out the root cause and over time everything else will heal, weather that be mindset, debt or anything else that concerns you, you should feel proud and I hope you have a positive future.

All the best, Chris 

Posted on:
Tue, 11/04/2017 - 10:35

Our Lady

Joined:
2017-02-21

Hey Little Miss.

We all know that sometimes, life just sucks doesn't it? I just try my best not to even think of my debt (double yours)! However, I am paying a grand total of £110.00 per month back. The only time it mainly comes to mind, is when I receive my statements from Stepchange!  I have to just tell myself that as long as I am working, I can still make these payments every month, for as long as it takes.  Who knows what might happen in the future? For now though, this is how it is.  I mentioned in my diary that I have already worked my finances out for my next payday and discovered that I will be on an extremely tight budget (sister''s birthday celebrations) but I just had to remind myself that at least everything will be paid and up to date.  It's so hard and I know exactly where you are coming from.

Both you and me are so fortunate to have such a loving, caring family unit around us and I'm sure like me, you are a very well loved and thought about family member.

Hang on to your last paragraph - your debt is not rising and how much better you are feeling when not gambling.

Thinking of you today.  Look after yourself and remember, day at a time - the "hear and now".

Just for today, live for today Little Miss and I really hope it will make you feel better when you climb into bed later.

Thinking of you.

Our Lady 

Posted on:
Tue, 11/04/2017 - 11:03

GirlJ

Joined:
2015-03-05

Hi LML totally empathise with your post about debts. That's exactly how I was feeling yesterday. Around 11k in debt and 6 defaults on my account. Paying money each month to family member to repay a debt they lent me to cover my 11k debts and I didn't I gambled it. So paying back money each month for a debt that was purely gamble money. It absolutely kills me. I also have the struggle in my head of do I bother to try and pay back or wait another two years until they are statute barred. They are all credit cards it might be a bad way of thinking but they make millions off people a year they won't miss 11k like I would it's money made out of thin air and not from them to start with anyway! Argh.

Also re. The extra working hours. No that does not make you lazy at all. Although this world seems to be run by money, you need to look after number 1 and your state of mind and happiness comes first before money so focus on you, get what you can afford to the evil banks and try and push thoughts of gambling to cover debts out of head as we know we don't win and pay debts off with it! 

Hope you have a good day, ps congrats on 111 days. I'm a very spiritual person and recognise this as an angel number that means 'keep positive as our thoughts manifest instantly into form, focus on your desires and not on fears'. Take this as a sign, (I will too :))

J xxx

Posted on:
Tue, 11/04/2017 - 17:28

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Oh my, I really am grateful for your lovely messages of support Our Lady and girlJ.
It sounds like we're all in the same boat. People who have not gambled would not understand how we have got into the position we have. Let's face it, I don't understand how I have got into this position!! Can't think too much about it because it ends up making me think ' who the hell am I, what's happened to the person I thought I was??'
Yes Our Lady, we're lucky with our families. I think today's low was caused by my son telling me about a forthcoming happy event. I feel awful and a failure because I would love to help fund this event but have nothing. Can't even go into an overdraft now to look like I can help. Bless him, he's assured me he doesn't need help but it just reminds me of the mess I've got myself into and makes me feel ashamed of myself.
My imagination then runs riot and I end up thinking my whole life has been a catalogue of errors, going through life events in my head and silently beating myself up because of them!!
C'mon loopy lady, stop getting carried away!! but seriously I have to really give myself a good talking to for me to get back on track.
Well after girlJ's post I'm going to go and focus on my desires.
Thanks girlJ, all the above negative thoughts can swing for it. I'm going to continue to keep gf. I am going to feel proud that I am trying my best to improve my life. As long as I do my best I can ask no more.
As I said earlier, we're all in the same boat. As long as we keep wearing our gf life jackets we should be fine!!! Love to all x

Posted on:
Tue, 11/04/2017 - 17:39

GirlJ

Joined:
2015-03-05

You're welcome Lml. Glad our posts could help you boot them thoughts. I get down on myself a lot and it's easy to bully ourselves into thinking we're terrible useless horrible people who don't deserve anything. But deep down we know it's not true. We're fighting an illness at the end of the day, maybe not physical but a real illness none the less. I'm glad you're going to feel proud for yourself your trying to turn your life around for the better and that is not easy with this addiction and it is something you should dam well be proud for. Keep positive and be kind to yourself :) J xxx

 

Posted on:
Wed, 12/04/2017 - 00:13

Our Lady

Joined:
2017-02-21

Lovely to read Little Miss - you go girl!!

Our Lady 

Posted on:
Fri, 14/04/2017 - 03:20

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Struggling to sleep tonight, head won't switch off.
Giving me time to think about where I am at the minute.
I've been reading a few posts and it seems like I'm not on my own. Many others have thoughts and feelings similar to my own when it comes to this addiction.
This addiction which takes us on a roller coaster of a ride, where one minute we hold our arms in the air as it swoops us up with massive highs but then the next minute we're falling down quickly, gripping tightly onto the handrail as the ground rushes towards us. We usually get off the ride feeling sick to the stomach.
Yesterday I realised that I had embarked on a different ride. I'd compare it to the merry - go - round. I sat serenely upon the gaily coloured horse and happily bobbed up and down.
Yesterday I had a day out with a friend. We went to a large car boot sale.
I've done this a few times before but yesterday felt different.
Yesterday I walked around and actually looked at the stalls.
I'm happy to say I bought small gifts for my son-in-law, grandson, daughter and a friend at work. These were all things I know that they would like and didn't cost much. I also bought myself some new underwear (sad to say but it's something I would not normally treat myself to! ) but more importantly I bought myself some small terracotta pots.
They're important because they're going to be for a project I've been wanting to do in my garden for a couple of years now and not got round to it. The reason I haven't done it yet is because I couldn't be bothered. Gambling not only robbed me of my money, it took my energy and enthusiasm with it too.
I'm going to be giving my little gifts out this weekend. I've decided it's a much better way of obtaining an adrenaline rush!
So if anyone wants to get off that rollercoaster ride to despair, get those blocks put firmly in place and join me bobbing up and down on my merry - go - round, there's room enough for us all. If we stop the gambling we'll probably also be able to treat ourselves to a candy floss haha!!
Wishing you all a happy easter x

Posted on:
Fri, 14/04/2017 - 08:51

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Same! First started to think all the bad stuff, how things could be so different if I hadn't gambled etc.....but hey can't go back in time so switched around and made a pro-active list of positives and how to turn things around. Number one is obvs no more gambling which like you say steals everything from you money, time, headspace, happiness the list goes on.But what does it give you back?  For me it's, self loathing, guilt low self confidence and more :( So indeed, save me a seat I'm with you! Here's to a happy and GF Easter S :)

Posted on:
Fri, 14/04/2017 - 10:12

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Welcome aboard sharon! To be honest when I said I'd been reading a few posts I then went on to write a list of names of who I felt were in a similar position to me and after reading fluffy cats post your name was on it! I then decided It was maybe a bit personal so I deleted them!!
This addiction gets me tied up in knots. One minute I'm buzzing because I feel as though I'm going to be able to get through this and come out gf at the other side. Next minute I feel like I need a spinning reels fix.
I just keep reminding myself that I will never win because I cannot stop. My life is sooo much better at the moment. My self-esteem has improved, I'm happier, more out-going and I smile more. Why would I jeopardise this?
We can do this Sharon, we have to show we respect ourselves. Each day we don't gamble proves that we do. We are worthy of happiness. It's up to us to create it x

Posted on:
Fri, 14/04/2017 - 11:23

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Thanks Lml, I know sometimes I don't know who I am anymore :( but you're right it is literally one day at a time. I haven't told a soul(except on here)about anything but as I think my gambling is connected to other issues I'm considering counselling just sobI can let it all out! Thanks for being there and like wise I'm all ears anytime, big hugs S x

Posted on:
Fri, 14/04/2017 - 11:42

Our Lady

Joined:
2017-02-21

Hi Little Miss.

"Bobbing along nicely" would describe how I'm doing right now too!  Not got loads of spare money at the min but enough for normality to resume once more, put a smile on my face and rid those awful stomach wrenching feelings, gambling brought about!

Have a wonderful g.f Easter and may that merry-go-round continue with you bobbing along nicely on it!

Take care.

Our Lady 

Posted on:
Sun, 16/04/2017 - 08:59

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Glad my chirpeness has spread !
How did I find time for slots ? you asked...
Answer. ."at the expense of everything and everybody in my life" !
Well...not today...
Have a good weekend miss..
Keep chirping :-)

Posted on:
Sun, 16/04/2017 - 11:04

Lady h

Joined:
2015-06-09

Hey Lml!! Nice to see your still fighting!! All those feelings you describe are spot on!! Got space for another one on that merry go round? Xx

Posted on:
Sun, 16/04/2017 - 11:56

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi lady h. Always room for another!
Not sure how it affects others but I've just got to get over this feeling of wanting to watch those pesky reels spin.
Gets me upset when I know for a fact that I am a far happier person when I don't gamble - madness beyond my comprehension!!
Anyway, I'll keep fighting the demons. Bobbing along is far more pleasurable than that flippin' roller coaster ride to despair. Doesn't mess my hair up either haha! All good wishes x

Posted on:
Mon, 17/04/2017 - 08:36

Pwm101

Joined:
2017-01-23

Thanks for posting on my diary LML . Keep fighting the good fight your close to doing 1/3 of a year which is really impressive .all the best 

Posted on:
Mon, 17/04/2017 - 09:46

shaun442

Joined:
2011-02-27

Morning LML, 

Thanks for the post on my diary. 

Keep going your doing brilliant 117 days gamble free is a great achimement, I get the feeling of wanting to see those reels spinning but we all know we can't win as we can't stop, keep fighting the demons and you will be a winner. 

Shaun 

Posted on:
Mon, 17/04/2017 - 10:34

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks pwm and Shaun,
I'm feeling bored today, always allows room for temptation.
Got lots I could be doing but nothing is shouting out at me.
I will move and do something constructive, not sure what yet but I will - honest! haha!
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Mon, 17/04/2017 - 22:01

dizzymissy78

Joined:
2016-06-10

Thanks for posting was lovely to see u r message it cheers me up!still trying and fighting x

Posted on:
Thu, 20/04/2017 - 19:35

DITH2016

Joined:
2015-01-04

Hi LML thank you for post mate, I've had to C&P as had IT shenanigans. Hope all is well :)

Bit annoyed, wrote long post to you: LML, HMMT and Degenerate and my phone crashed so here's a bulleted shorter version.  

1:  thank you for your support post on my diary and very appreciated, really does help. 

2: HMMT mate you built it once you will again but stronger version of yourself you got this.  I really recommend this book for you to check out:  The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari - Robin S Sharna

3: Degeberate yes mate definitely the impatience to satisfy debts quicker is a (foolish) nonsense I am guilty of plenty of occasions. I found a great book, not finished it yet but really good stuff!  Check out:  The Marshmallow Test - Walter Mischel

4:  LML thank you :) check out those books see what you think, really good stuff in there I think, really connected with contents as a person removing gambling and it's damages from my life.  

Here's something I read which emailed myself earlier and copy to here... Good stuff I thought.  Also try highlighting it and selecting 'speak' (I'm on iPhone) it's quite cool to 'hear' it rather than read.  

I'm trying and doing everything I can to bash gambling and I'm feeling very positive I will and wish you and anyone in the fight does too!!  We can do it!  We must. 

10 Ways To Forgive Yourself & Let Go Of The Past

by Megan Hale

 Have you ever noticed how you can hold on to past mistakes long after they occurred? Some of us hold on to things for years!

Forgiveness is a process. It does not happen over night and the process will be different for everyone. But no matter how long it takes, there's hope! Here are some steps you can take toward that journey:

1. Become clear on your morals and values as they are right now.

The reason most of us feel guilt or shame for actions done in the past is because those actions are not in line with our current morals and values. Our past wrongs can actually clue us in to what we hold important. By identifying our morals and values, we start to get a clearer picture as to “why” we're hurting over what we've done, or what others did to us.

2. Realize that the past is the past.

This seems fairly straightforward, but when we can really wrap our head around the fact that we can’t undo the past, the past is done, those things happened, we open ourselves up to more acceptance. Increased acceptance can lead to the emotional healing we are all looking for. 

3. Create a “re-do.” 

Never underestimate the power of a “re-do”. Write down how you would have done things differently if you could go back and do it again. In doing so, we affirm that we not only learned from our past mistake, but that if we had the skills we have now, back then, we would have done things differently. 

4. Realize you did the best you could at the time. 

The way we respond depends on the skills we have, the frame of mind we’re in, and how we perceive the situation at that moment. Maybe we didn’t have as much objectivity, or acted out of survival or protection mode. Maybe we'd let stress build up, which put us at a higher risk of responding poorly. Whatever the factors, cut yourself a break. If you learn from it, it was never in vain.

5. Start acting in accordance with your morals and values. 

The best thing you can do for yourself in order to forgive is start replacing the negative behavior and thoughts with more appropriate ones that are congruous with your morals and values. By so doing, you reaffirm to yourself that you can handle situations in the way you want to. This can lead to a sense of pride, which is a huge part of building self-esteem.

6. Identify your biggest regrets. 

When I work with clients on moving on from their past, it can be very overwhelming for them because they see so many regrets. It's often helpful to categorize these things because people often only hold on to a handful of big categories/patterns. Working on patterns of behavior is often more helpful than working on individual regrets.

7. Tackle the big ones. 

There may be some regrets that don’t seem to improve, and they’re going to require some extra work. I call it “clearing your conscience.” This means it might take bringing this regret into the room and apologizing for your past mistake.

8. Turn the page. 

At some point, you have to accept that the past has happened and you’ve done everything in your power to amend past mistakes. It’s now time to turn the page and accept those events as part of your story. They've all contributed to making you who you are. Being grateful for those experiences allows you to move on and truly forgive yourself.

9. Cut yourself some slack. 

When we learned how to ride a bike, most of us realized it would probably take a few tries before achieving perfection. New behavior and thinking patterns are no different. They're both skills. Cut yourself some slack while you’re on a new learning curve. Realize that you’re going to make mistakes. We all do. 

10. Move toward self-love. 

The last step in building self-esteem is moving toward loving yourself. Think kind thoughts toward yourself and show yourself some compassion. If we can learn to think of ourselves as our best friend, to speak to ourselves with love and kindness, and put ourselves as a priority, it reaffirms that we believe we are worth it. Engage in psychotherapy or coaching if you need some outside perspective in this area. Seek books on this subject. Surround yourself with supportive people.

You are more than your past mistakes, and I promise you, you are so worth it!!

Again, apols for cut/paste approach but first message didn't post and I'm only on iPhone, takes a while.

Keep fighting the small battles we will win the war!  One 'phase' at a time for a deeper re-conditioning and change of perspective and self control but during this process I make myself one simple promise... Today I will not gamble.

Best wishes all, keep strong!

Veritas et Aequitas  - Truth and Equity

Posted on:
Sat, 29/04/2017 - 19:41

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Gutted.i give up. Back to hating myself and feeling such a failure. X

Posted on:
Sat, 29/04/2017 - 19:51

Guestuser9

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi lml

Hating yourself isn't going to do you any good , dust yourself down and go again,  know one on this site will tell you it's easy but it's achievable , it's a continuous journey with many lessons,

If you know where you went wrong next time you'll be better prepared 

Don't let the [email protected]@@d beat ya

Keep fighting 

Deano x

Posted on:
Sat, 29/04/2017 - 19:56

klamm

Joined:
2011-12-08

hi. I`m feeling the same . exactly like you.

 

Posted on:
Sat, 29/04/2017 - 20:17

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Deano, I'm so fed up. I'm at a loss at to what to do. I just seem to struggle constantly. I kid myself I'm OK and I'm doing well when all the time, bottom of my heart, I know I'm not.
I feel like I'll never solve my gambling problem. I'll never be happy and live a 'normal' life without the pull of gambling or where I'm not in debt.
Thanks for your message klamm. I'm sorry you feel the same. It hurts where we are x

Posted on:
Sat, 29/04/2017 - 22:35

Our Lady

Joined:
2017-02-21

Hi LML.

Sorry to hear you have hit a low point. Not nice I know but you have done so well previously so remember that. I hope you dont mind me asking but did you lose more money? Im guessing yes and this may be one of the reasons you feel the way you do right now.

I really hope you can positively reflect on this tomorrow maybe when things settle down more and your mind is a little clearer.

Take care and dont be so hard on yourself - it will only make you feel worse.

Rooting for you to get straight back on track.

Our Lady.x

Posted on:
Sat, 29/04/2017 - 22:39

screwball

Joined:
2014-06-13

Evening Lml

 Sounds like your having a ruff time again, we have all been there, I know every time I failed I was too ashamed to come back here and admit it or ask for help, but this is your safe place don't give up. Life will be what you want it to be stay strong take care 

Posted on:
Sun, 30/04/2017 - 03:51

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

So upset with myself.
Here I am again, middle of the night awake and feeling absolutely terrible.
I haven't felt like this since Christmas and it's all come back to me. The same old feelings.
Wanting to push people away from me, curl up in a corner to lick my wounds. Despairing about what I'm to do about money. Wondering how I'm going to manage.
Having to admit to people I can't do things because my money has gone. Then there's that oh so sick feeling in my stomach.
When you feel like this you just wonder how you're going to cope with life at all. I wonder will I ever get it out of my life or am I stuck with feeling like this forever.
I can kind of think why I've done it.
My MOT is due this month. I know I need new tyres before I even start.
A couple of months ago my parents asked me to go away with them. They said they'd pay half towards my holiday. Its partly because they need my help but also because they said i haven't been abroad for years. I agreed and now I pay them so much a month towards the cost. I'm never going to be able to comfortably afford it.
I decided to make things to sell on a stall, have car boots etc.
Now every bit of me is screaming I don't want to do it. I've just lost £220. That means this month I have next to nothing to live on. In my head now whatever I make from selling is just making up for this loss so in effect I'm going to be doing it all for nothing.
I'm just so so gutted to find myself here again.
Sorry if this sounds garbled, whiney and self-centred. How I wish this sick, oppressive feeling would go away.
I don't know what to do or where to turn next. What a mess x

Posted on:
Sun, 30/04/2017 - 09:01

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Please Lml we are all here for you as you have been there for many of us! No one us going to judge you in any way at all as we all want the same... for ourselves to be GFand everyone else to be GF. Draw the line and move on, easier said than done but what else is there to do? I think I've done this for good this time but have done it so many times in the past so who knows?  I 100% trust myself at the moment but am recognising my weak spots/situations and avoiding then. If you look back through your posts you have been so positive and motivated, you can do it again! !! Big hugs and take care S x

 

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 30/04/2017 - 10:04

Our Lady

Joined:
2017-02-21

Hi LML.

It can seem such a struggle when we know we have things coming up that we are going to need more money for.  I have just had a really expensive couple of months.  I am now on a really tight budget now until next payday.  I am also going away next weekend with the girls - to my brothers lodge thankfully!  Nevertheless, I am still a little anxious about how much money I will need.  These are the things that can most definitely be a trigger for most of us so don't be too hard on yourself.  You are most definitely not a failure.  A failure would not have come back on here and confessed to what they had done.

My way of dealing with such situations, is to just remind myself, that at least all my bills are being paid and I can only spend what I have at the time and gambling to try to get more will more than likely never happen.  It is so difficult I know but it's the only way.

How were you able to gamble if you don't mind me asking?  You may need to re-think your barriers.

Big virtual hug and really thinking of you today.

Looking after yourself first is the most important thing, only then can you see to the needs of others.  Remember that.

Our Lady.x

Posted on:
Sun, 30/04/2017 - 10:14

klamm

Joined:
2011-12-08

wish you a positive day 1

wish that it is the last begining for you

I know we all have a key to this very dark place 

but I wish that you will never decide to open that dungeon again

it is so not worth it 

peace xx 

Posted on:
Sun, 30/04/2017 - 11:04

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

I could write my life story but what good would it do?
I've got to put my 'yes, life is fine ' head on cos I've got a friend coming round soon.
How can I tell him my problems when only a few weeks ago he said he hates to be in debt and pays his bills as soon as he gets them because he hates the thought of owing anyone money. God knows what he'd make of my situation if he knew. At this moment I feel like saying ' what's the point? get out of my life, I'm everything you're not.'
Secrets ******* secrets.
Pain on top of pain.
Hate on top of hate.
Life is good if you're in a position to make it good , if you have the strength to make the changes. The problem is I don't know which are the right changes to make so life continues . . .
I stopped gambling. My debts stayed the same. Granted they didn't get worse but they didn't get better because I don't have the extra to knock off the bills like others seem to manage. I don't want another job. People around me are thinking of retiring never mind getting an extra job.
Life is just one big struggle, the future looks no different.
All self-made??? I fell for the trap and now I pay the price of being such an idiot - oh joy!
This flipping feeling. it's so hard to get motivated and want other people to be in our lives. It's so much easier to wallow in self-pity. It's so difficult to be optimistic.
I get so fed up of having to push and force myself to converse and let others in. I know I have to. Otherwise I'd crack and break into a thousand pieces
x

Posted on:
Sun, 30/04/2017 - 15:58

Guestuser9

Joined:
Before 2009

You seem to be letting the debt hold you back , you might say dean that easy for you to say but I've been where you are and I know the way out , back in 2010 I was 42k in gambling debt 42 thousand pound I'd recently lost my job and then my wife had a miscarriage my world was in absolute bits . I could either give up or start filling the hole and climbing out,  at one point I was filling in questionnaires for 13p just to try make some money imagine how long that would of taken ? Lol if not for an Iva I'd of lost everything family included ,  so I know from experience there's a life to be had and debt can be paid all though it doesn't have to be painful , 

You spoke about you being different to your male friend ? Me and my wife are like chalk and cheese she's everything I'm not as they say opposite attract ,

A suggestion is write down what you believe are your pros and cons when you finish burn the cons and work with your pros , you can do anything humanely possible the only constraint is your mind , as always keep fighting 

And don't forget to check back in on the 2017 challenge 

Deano x

Posted on:
Thu, 11/05/2017 - 10:08

Our Lady

Joined:
2017-02-21

Hey Little Miss.

Just thinking about you and hoping you're ok?  Would be lovely to hear back from you.

 

Sending you a big hug and best wishes.

 

Our Lady 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 11/05/2017 - 22:13

Glint

Joined:
2016-01-08

Three months is becoming a bit of a stumbling block.

Always feel compelled to subtly write something along the lines of 'keep looking for ways to improve' when I post to you Little miss lost.

Apologies for how predictable this is - every word applies to myself - you are going to have to do more. Whether that's more inconvenient blocks or telling someone close to you. You know what more you could do. I think you are close Little miss lost, just need that big breakthrough step/s.

You have done well this year.

One slip.

It's done.

Learn.

Move on.

You haven't lost your strong spirit!

Appreciate the difficulty of your situation - you know things did, can and will slowly get better again for you.

There's a gaily coloured horse looking lonely.

Get yourself back on the GamCare carousel Little miss lost.

Posted on:
Mon, 29/05/2017 - 09:44

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Well here I am, back again.
Terrible month. Totally lost the plot.
Got my credit card back for one reason and another and the result = £3000 more debt.
Finally forced myself to look at the damage. Can't believe myself,
my life, my existence.
Finally confessed and told my daughters that they had an addict for a mother. They were absolutely wonderful - I knew they would be, I'm lucky, they're lovely girls. It's just not a discussion I'd ever wanted to have - to admit to failing them, yet again.
They offered support and help. They were glad I had told them, they were worried about me.
I'm worried about me but it doesn't stop me. That's why I'm worried!
I contacted stepchange, my circumstances have changed now so I will be able to use them.
I've been sorting my debts on my own but they're due to be sold to debt collectors soon and I'm not looking forward to that.
Looks like I should be able to go through stepchange now. Hopefully that should take away some of the worry.
I'm going to have to change my bank account again. See how that goes.
I can't use my credit card any more. I won't be able to get any more credit and I've agreed to show my daughter my bank statement once a month. What little money I have should hopefully stay in there now.
Still I exist, still I get up in a morning and get through the day.
Still I live my life , the one I've built for myself, the one that's hard to face up to.
Still I have moments that I cling on to, moments where I can see a future which doesn't involve throwing away large amounts of money which isn't even mine.
I have no option now. It's either sink or swim.
I must swim. I must lose this feeling that takes over all my senses. I must survive and there is only one way to do it.
I'm so lucky. My family are there for me. I've got to repay their trust, I've got to start caring for myself again and become the person I want to be. I can do it. It's so upsetting. How the he'll can I put slots before my family????
It's got to be - no more.
Summer is coming. I could make it the best I've had for 6 years. I just have to be strong. I have to believe and I have to start on this road again.
Truth be told i'm still a bit numb from telling my girls. No instant happiness that it's out in the open. Just a sense of, well now they know, hopefully now they'll understand why I've acted in the way I sometimes have in the past.
No instant, well now they know and I won't do it again. Just a feeling of now it's up to me. It's out in the open. I have to move forward. I have to be the best I can be. It's not really made things easier, I have an addiction, it won't just go away. I must battle on and never give up.
Back on the carousel, only this time my girls are bobbing along with me. I must never forget. I must never again let myself or my family down. Same old flipping words only this time it's got to be different actions x

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