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Posted on:
Sat, 31/03/2018 - 07:40

Bamb84

Joined:
2018-02-13

Hi lml thank you for you kind message and yes i am back to being me again yay its sad what this gambling robs us of its not just money its our time which should be with loved ones im so much happier . Im not going to get complacent though i still have the urges now and again . We can all beat this hope you are doing well on your journey stay strong Bambi x

Posted on:
Sat, 31/03/2018 - 22:08

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

I'm feeling totally and utterly crappie at the moment.
Just spent last 20 minutes looking at sim only phone contracts.
I'm thinking I can't gamble on my phone so I'll have to get another.
I just want to ******* gamble - there's nothing else for it.
I'm so fed up of knowing that I shouldn't, knowing that I can't and knowing that I'm such an idiot for still wanting to.
It's always on my mind when I have a spare minute. I'm just sick through and through.
I don't need responses. I just need a new brain. This one has completely had it.
I can never see myself be free from this because unlike a lot of people I just don't seem to want to stop enough. Yes I want to stop losing but my addicted brain just doesn't get it. I know that to stop gambling is to stop losing. At this moment, I don't seem to care. I just want to play the game.
Ridiculous really, I seem to have excluded from every site going so I probably wouldn't find one anyway. Only sites left would probably only be the dodgy ones.
Sick, sick, sick. So upsetting, depressing and wrecks havoc with my mental health. It makes me wonder what kind of person am I? Flipping pathetic, that's what. Weak, stupid, idiotic and totally selfish. Would my family be upset if they knew I was talking like this? Of course they would. Would that stop me? Of course it wouldn't. Case closed. Not only a loser but also one who obviously doesn't care about upsetting her family.
Rants over, but it feels like this addiction will never be.
When I first took them up on free money spins I didn't realise I was signing my life as I knew it away and replacing it with a life of heartbreak and misery.
Something has to change. I can only hope for miracles and that I'll come out of this a better person, till then I must keep going and not give in. Easier said than done but I suppose writing it down, getting it out of my system, can only help. x

Posted on:
Sun, 01/04/2018 - 04:46

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Hi LML, I read your last post. It reminds me how I cleaned up my saving of two years in the last relapse afters resisting the urges for a few months and giving in to the urges finally. It still haunts me. I feel like crying everytime I think about it. I give you my best wishes, LML.

Posted on:
Sun, 01/04/2018 - 11:24

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Thinking of you Lml, I have always related to your thread but seriously you are no loser! . Gambling is such a powerful addiction it wrecks everything but you have stayed GF despite powerful urges. Please work on being kinder yo yourself even if you think you don't deserve it. I read else we that gambling is a form of mental self harm so true :( . It'S good to write things down and things can change, take care Sx

Posted on:
Mon, 02/04/2018 - 09:01

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

This flipping addiction, gets me so angry. So many good, caring people been made to question themselves, who they are, what they've become, why they've become it and finally how can they get out and away from this pit of vicious snakes.
It messes with our heads, it messes with our hearts, the only person we blame is ourselves. We've got to stand up to it. Goodness knows, reading my last posts proves how relentless it can be to some of us but for my own survival I have to have the blocks in place. When I wake up in the morning and my 'normal' head is firmly fixed back on I'm so relieved that I couldn't spend a penny of my hard earned wages the night before. The small amount I have left is still sat there in my bank account and the account reads a positive and not a negative balance!!
After years of living in a £1500 overdraft this feels great.
Yes, I've got big debts but they're in hand. They're not getting bigger and I can put them to the back of my head. I have to for my own sanity.
Anyway, for all of you out there who's beating yourselves up. Don't let this addiction make you doubt yourselves. We have to be like the great phoenix - rise up from the ashes. Regain control of our own lives and learn to accept ourselves and feel happy and content again with who we are and where we're going.
We CAN do this. Don't allow addiction to tell you otherwise.
All good wishes xx

Posted on:
Tue, 03/04/2018 - 20:09

Pink 2018

Joined:
2018-03-28

 T hank you little miss for your message very much appreciated , today has been very draining but have sorted a few things , will do rest tommorow, think I will have a bubble bath and chill out now  ,day 6 nearly over , hope you have had a calm peaceful day . Pink

Posted on:
Wed, 04/04/2018 - 12:17

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Well, here I am living this ridiculous life of mine. One minute up, next minute down. Massive changes in my personal life - struggles galore, more reasons to feel sad. I just want to curl up and lock myself away. Amazingly I don't even want to gamble, it all feels pointless at the moment then my daughter rings and asks me if I want to go out with her and my grandson. She knows nothing about my personal problems every part of me wants to scream no because I want to sit and mope but my mouth says yes. So out I'll be going. Slap the brave face on again because I don't feel up to talking about my problems and so life as I know it resumes.
They live with me anyway so I suppose I can't wallow in private even though I'd like to!
These things are sent to try us and I suppose the saying one day at a time comes back to mind.
It's brought back feelings of having to put a brave face on after I'd lost money gambling. I'm grateful that I haven't had to do that for 6 months.
Does anyone out there have a wonderful life??
We can but live in hope.
Sorry for my doom and gloom posts lately. Uphill struggle is the name of my diary. I can't wait to get to the top of that hill so I can freewheel down with my skirt and hair blowing in the wind screaming 'wheeee' all the way haha!!
Until then I'll keep going. Gamble free can only be the way forward.
All good wishes X

Posted on:
Fri, 06/04/2018 - 00:16

Shantel17

Joined:
2018-04-01

Hi LML I'm not sure if this well help you and its not advice it's just something that helped me. I missed the slots so much I like you i just wanted to spin them reels, listen to the sounds and see the lights. I missed the games I was so used too and the thought of never playing on them again scared me. How ridiculous right? I self exlcuded myself from one of the sites however I played in my favourite slots for fun. Rather than burn through my own money I just burnt through the pretend money. Not only did I get to play on my favourite games again but I was happier playing them because i wasn't losing any money. I would still act and pretend like it was real money and when id lose everything I would Instantly think wow that could have/would have been my money ive just lost. It Actually made me realise how bad and how much of a money grabber they were like id have 20 spins win a few quid on one and lose my stake on 19. Because I was playing for fun so much and acting like it was my own money I still got that buzz when I won and relief when I lost because I didn't make that deposit. it made me realise how much of a con they really are and it made me just want to put my own money on less and less when I was spinning them reels and seeing how much 'pretend money' I was losing. I got my slots fix and went to bed every night breathing a sigh of relief and just thinking how much I would of lost but I had a smile on my face knowing my money was sitting safely in my bank. Every time I had the urge and just wanted to play I did but I played for fun. Again this isn't for everyone but for me this helped because like I said not only did I get my fix when i had an urge to spin them reels, I wasn't losing any money and over time it stopped me wanting to put my own money on just witnessing how much I would have lost had i made that deposit. Good luck x

Posted on:
Fri, 06/04/2018 - 11:36

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thank you Shantel for all of your time, concern and advice. I do appreciate it and if you're anything like me it must have taken a while to write it!
It's good to know I'm not on my own missing the slots like I stupidly do.
Sometimes when I read posts and they say they have no urges or they don't miss it I think 'blimey I must really have it bad' or else I feel equally bad thinking 'it must be my frame of mind and I should not want to gamble as much as I do, so does that mean I'm not fully committed yet??'
Who knows the answer - I know I don't. I'm going to just have to take comfort from the fact that it is now officially 6 months since I last lost a penny to online slots.
Yesterday I went out for the day with a friend to a nearby sea-side.
I went in a cafe and treat my friend to a coffee, I bought a few bits both for myself and my grandson and I enjoyed fish and chips. I didn't think twice about spending the money - it wasn't a lot but in the past my mind walking around the shops would have been wired completely differently. I know for a fact that I would have found it difficult looking in the shops in the first place because I would have felt upset with myself for not having any money to spend because I'd probably lost it the evening before. Then I'd have felt bitter for having to look at things I'd like and not being able to buy then I'd have felt panicky for being in that position and wonder how the heck I was going to get out of it.
I hope that those days are long behind me. Why on earth would I want to go back to that???!!!
Onward and upward! x

Posted on:
Sat, 07/04/2018 - 23:55

Stephen the Stoic

Joined:
2017-05-10

Six months of angst but still gamble free

A delicate rose ~ little miss majesty

Nearby the beach with the sea and the ships

Our heroine paused to eat fish n chips

Strolled round shops, laughed, had some fun

Chose souvenirs for her cherished grandson

Innocent pleasures filled her with joy

With a smile on her face that said Ship Ahoy

Posted on:
Sun, 08/04/2018 - 21:40

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Stephen you are a ray of sunshine!
Thank you for your poetic gift.
I know I've tended to moan a bit lately but I suppose I use this forum as a sounding block. Sometimes it helps to get things out so they're not festering inside me. Besides if I'm feeling this way, surely some others must be feeling like it too?
Anyhow, happy to report I've had a lovely weekend with my family.
Saturday, gardening with my 20 month old grandson - (well he played with the watering can and splashed in the puddles. I don't think the worm was too happy to meet him either!)
Today I cooked a lamb dinner and played a few games with my 3 daughters and husbands/partners. Maybe not everyone's cup of tea but we all enjoyed it and had a laugh.
So to bed, new book at the ready. All good wishes x

Posted on:
Sun, 15/04/2018 - 00:43

Stephen the Stoic

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello Little Miss, trust you are having a good weekend. I have missed your posts over the last week and hoping your ok. 

I always find inspiration in your posts which have a lot of common sense, good advice and they usually give me a frown and a chuckle at the same time. I imagine many people on the diaries can identify with your struggles and emotional ups and downs.

As you rightly point out it is a good feeling to wake up in the morning having not gambled the previous day. We all have thoughts of gambling and sometimes the urges are quite strong but other times we feel good about our gamble free adventure. It's good to concern ourselves with today and worry about tomorrow when it comes.

You recently wrote "we need to rise up from the ashes and regain control of our lives." I couldn't agree with you more...stephen x 

Posted on:
Sun, 15/04/2018 - 21:52

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi diary, thanks for your lovely message Stephen. As you stated I've not been very active on here lately.
I'm happy to say I've still managed to stay off the slots.

Last few days I've put my radio on, watched the telly and noticed even more that all the adverts/sponsors are gambling related. Just makes you realise how much money they must make off the likes of us. They're telling us to 'Do this for free, do that for free, receive this for free, receive that for free ' led me on to think that they've invented a new sport, it's a whole new style of fishing. Throw the bait, wait for the nibble, then reel them in. Only it's not fish they're catching. It's the likes of me and you. Well I've had enough, they've thrown me back in a few times only for me to be tempted and get caught up again. This time I won't take that nibble again. They can go and throw the tempting treats in another pond I'll just swim on by and like the ducks, I'll keep treading water. . .

I was also reading a book earlier. A fiction book about the criminal underworld. There was a page about been in a betting shop and it was describing the punters in there as losers , low life's and ****. It hit me hard.
I almost fell out with the author (it's one who I love and read regularly) I thought is that how people look at us? Personally, I don't go in betting shops because my vice is online slots but it's just the same. I'm doing exactly what anyone who's stood in a betting shop on a FOBT machine is doing. This flipping addiction - we are not low lives or ****. We are people with feelings and emotions. We ARE worthy. We CAN and WILL succeed!!
Ramble, ramble, ramble.
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Wed, 18/04/2018 - 11:38

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

HI LML

Sorry to read you have found it tough recently. You are doing well and keeping on the gamble free path is the only way. You may feel like you are missing the thrill of the slots but maybe it is a little deeper than that, a void that needs filling. Maybe find a new hobby to get your teeth into or make some plans to keep yourself busy and fulfilled.

Remember if you don't have that next gamble life will only improve, you may miss the thrill but you don't miss the devastation and shame that the big losses carry.

Keep going girl.

Matt

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