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Posted on:
Wed, 04/04/2018 - 09:11

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Day 154

just checking in because i've wanted to remain isolated and quiet for a while, it's making me feel more relaxed and less anxious. I know that by not seeing people in the long run it isn't healthy but it's how I feel at the moment, I am just happy on my own. Paid out an awful lot this month already but that is okay, it show's I am responsible and I have a couple of hundred left for myself for the month. The football season is drawing to a climax, it's nail biting stuff. Brother's 40th next weekend so we're all going out for a family meal which will be nice but tiring for me as I am not used to so much noise and conversations all happening at the same time. Trying to be kind to myself at moment, I'll be fine, life could be so much worse and I'm fortunate to have the family and friends I have to support me. Going to the cinema on Saturday night with a friend, going to try that Ghost Stories.

Thanks everyone for your posts of support recently, I have really appreciated it.

Wilsy x

Posted on:
Mon, 09/04/2018 - 11:02

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

day 1 again got to day 155, feeling very low and angry with myself but sympathetic towards myself as well because this is an awfully powerful and dreadful addiction. Don't know how to pick myself up right now, will be seeking additional support with some conselling again. Just for a first day I will get back on track and will try to relax and not worry too much, 155 days was brilliant and I can do it again, I am just wondering if relapses will always happen, it's how I deal with what is done so I can move forward. Arrrggghhh!!!

Posted on:
Tue, 10/04/2018 - 09:00

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Day 2, feeling a bit better today, I've analysed everything and even tho i was disappointed that I let my guards down and still am, the relapse wasn't a bad one and I only lost £50. I will keep 155 days in my thoughts as a target for this time round to beat. Looking positively the more days I can abstain the better off I'll be, I'll accept relapses are likely I am not going to fool myself, this is a life long battle and for me personally, I don't think I'll abstain forever, I'm going to have slips sadly on and off, it's about keeping those loses to a bear minimum. Onwards and Upwards, I won't let this bring me down.

Posted on:
Wed, 11/04/2018 - 10:28

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Struggling day 1 again today after another small loss, now taken steps to register as a volunteer with Gamstop to prevent me from doing any online stuff and am self excluding everywhere. Losses are a minimum but once you start up again, it's so hard to get back on track. I will get back on the right road again, just need to remember I've done it before and can do it again. Run out of my medication, need to get my perscription and get back on them as I'm feeling a little low and the mind is clouded. Hope I find the strength from somewhere.

Posted on:
Thu, 12/04/2018 - 08:15

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Still struggling so going to get alternative help and am going to take a thinking break will be back..

Posted on:
Thu, 19/04/2018 - 10:46

burko26

Joined:
2017-06-16

Hey Willsy, 

Sorry that I have not been on hand to offer support recently. Getting to >150 days is fantastic and losing control for one day, one moment, shoudl not be a reason to bring you down - as you rightly say, you have had a small relapse, you have lost a small amount of money and you were able to cap that loss.

We go again.

I too wanted a bit of privacy, I wanted to get away from the community as I put my mind to other things and tried to focus on beating this by being in my bubble.

Do not over analyze things on your thinking break. Do not beat yourself up. Yes, we took wrong turns, but you are a good person. You write such wonderful messages of support to others and you have it in your heart to help others. You are volunteering as a helper. You are a good person.

Keep fighting

Posted on:
Fri, 20/04/2018 - 10:14

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Thank you Burko for your heart touching post of support. I am still reading diaries and am okay, just taking some time to myself to find the peace in my heart, this makes me quite isolated but things are less complicated emotionally if I just focus on myself. The weather is wonderful and I have lovely people around me. I am remaining gamble free just not thinking about it at all, just working, rest and quiet. 

Posted on:
Mon, 23/04/2018 - 07:55

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

This is day 1 again I've been pretty fed up and destructive again and it stops again right now. Can't explain reasons apart from not really caring about life until the money has gone then all of a sudden we come to our senses again. Not too much damage done and will limp through to payday. Nice and quietly does it start building the days again I can do this.

Posted on:
Tue, 24/04/2018 - 08:46

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Day 2 questionning everything right now, limping way through to Payday. Damages are very little it was just short change but none the less it has made me uncertain. I am not confident I can beat this forever, I'll have periods of abstaining then I'll relapse again. Feeling pretty lonely in life right now, I don't want a relationship with anyone, I just want to be left alone. Will let the head clear and will take some time off from work soon. 

Posted on:
Wed, 25/04/2018 - 13:08

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Day 3, feeling Meh so not much I want to say, just need a long vacation

 

Posted on:
Thu, 26/04/2018 - 07:52

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

I know how you feel, beating gambling can sometimes feel impossible, and if you get in the crazy zone you just dont care about money, bills, responsibilities, nothing just looking for gambling rushes a number or 3 scatters an ace or just jump the last fence. Its all doo doo, I want a holiday too but cant this year because of what gambling done and the resentment you feel because of it, which intern makes you want to attack it, as it has affected the decisions you can make. For a CG the only way is to cut it out and know how it works. You can do it and youve always been helpful to others on thier journey. Chin up, focus and plan and stay one step ahead.

Posted on:
Thu, 26/04/2018 - 08:55

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 4, thanks Smashed you hit the nail on the head, I am currently not caring about anything, anyone or myself. Depression has taken a hold again before and after my relapse, I'm not eating, not shaving and struggling to lift a leg again, the only thing that has seemed to have lifted me is a flutter because like in the past I can escape but if I can ride this out for the thousand and first time, then things will improve. Just feel dead inside it's all too much. Thank you, I'm trying to crawl my way back to the land of the living.

Posted on:
Thu, 26/04/2018 - 10:56

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hiya Wilsey my friend so sorry not been there to support you :( your having a rough ride of it:( depression can be cyclical and it sounds like you get it that way, have you been to doctors at all maybe just something short term to lift you up again? Or like you say a long vacation would help! We bloody can’t though can we not for likes of us where we can afford to take off as and when we feel like it :( hows pigs? Hope they are happy and well x if you need to offload I’m here Wilsey, take time for YOU! That’s an order lol x bestest wishes x Lulu x

Posted on:
Thu, 26/04/2018 - 12:19

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

thanks Lulu, the pigs are fine don't know where would be without them x

Posted on:
Tue, 15/05/2018 - 15:10

jamdownunder

Joined:
2013-08-21

Hi Wilsy, hope that you are ok mate and enjoying this good weather? : )

Posted on:
Thu, 17/05/2018 - 11:38

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

thanks Jamdownunder for checking on me, I'm okay still visiting the site but not as active due to privacy reasons, dealing with things well and keeping my head down. Hope you are okay also.

Posted on:
Fri, 18/05/2018 - 14:38

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Hello Wilsy, I remember you often support me at my thread. Relapses happen. It’s okay. I think it is a good idea to take some time off from work. I am currently not working right now for a disability reason. It sucks to be a disabled but it takes the stress away while not working. You and I are the same. We both struggle with a major depression. It hits me everyday without fail. I definitely think taking time off from work will help you with depression.

Posted on:
Wed, 30/05/2018 - 11:58

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Thanks Merlins. I'm in a bad place right now with my depression and anxiety, I am having to work to pay the bills but am finding it all very hard. Seeking help from health in mind and have very high blood pressure so have to have a heart monitor for 24 hours to check that and have some bloods taken. All has been so difficult which is why I haven't posted in a while. 

Keep up the good fight everyone, take care, Wilsy

Posted on:
Tue, 19/06/2018 - 14:42

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Even though I am not gambling lately, I find it hard to be happy. Also, I am disabled now. I have been stuck in my room for a while because of my disability. I can’t go to work nor do my regular activities. My point is you are not alone. I struggle with depression every single day as well. Every minute I am awake is a struggle.

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