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Time to take control

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#1 Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 13:07

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Hi

After coming to this site in a desperate plead for help and advice I was a complete mess.

Suffering from anxiety, depression, guilt, shame and alot of hatred towards myself. After reading alot of other diaries I have realised how I'm not alone and there are other people going through the same emotions and also struggling with this addiction. Gamblers and non-gamblers. The amount of people this has an effect on has been a big wake up call and huge life lesson.

After alot of self reflection I have realised only I can change my life. Only I can beat this. Only I can help myself. I need to want to change for me and my family. This behaviour is completely self destructive and if I let it continue I am going to lose more than my money. So I'm taking control. I have not gambled for 3 weeks. And in those 3 weeks I have realised alot about myself. I have been using gambling as an escape and an excuse for any problems I have been having in my life. And it's time to step up. Today I have never felt more positive about moving forward. I know it is not going to be easy but I have to accept I have a problem and do anything in my power to stop this. I have had alot of urges to gamble the past few days but I cannot allow myself to do this. I remember how I felt a few weeks ago and I never in my life want to feel like that again. I felt hopeless and could not see a way out. I had never felt so low. Time for a change . 1 day at a time. The amount of support I have received from here has been amazing. I cannot thank you all enough for every reply I have received I am grateful and to the gamcare team for helping me move forward. So this is my diary to recovery. Probably not every post will be as positive. But for today I'm feeling strong.

Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 13:21

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Welcome BW ☺

Great to see you starting a diary and let me welcome you to the journey to better life.

Keep making the right choice daily and most importantly remember - you're not alone!
You can achieve absolutely anything if you set your heart and commitment to it!

Here is to the future free from gambling!

SJB ☺

Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 15:49

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Hi SJ

Thankyou very much. I am putting everything into making this change. I don't ever want to feel like this again. Going to take one day at a time.

Posted on:
Mon, 20/11/2017 - 10:17

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Woke up this morning and for a moment I forget about the gambling and I'm at peace... just for a moment. .... then the knots start in my stomach and the anxiety and guilt kicks in..... is this just me? ..... For that one moment in the morning I almost feel normal, like I used to be. Waking up not a care in the world.

Posted on:
Mon, 20/11/2017 - 10:25

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey. .yes it's normal love..
But by getting a glimpse of that lovely feeling of not thinking about gambling......you've had a taste of how good it feels...so build on it love. ...hourly if need be....youll find the good feelings start to last longer. ...the bad feelings and urges...less and less....it won't happen overnight love....but it will happen the longer time goes on...
You can do this....
You're doing it...
Just keep doing it xx

Posted on:
Mon, 20/11/2017 - 10:55

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Yes, in my experience, this is 100% normal.

How long you experience these feelings is actually upto you as you are the one creating them. The really hard bit is learning to forgive yourself and not beating yourself up the whole time. Yes, face up to what you have done and the consequences, but not by being sad the whole time. I still struggle with this some days but holding onto the guilt and self loathing only prolongs the experience. 

Good luck

Posted on:
Mon, 20/11/2017 - 11:57

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Thanks loxxie and muststop

I know I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I was feeling so positive yesterday and today I just feel weak. Not weak to gamble just mentally. I need to try and get over what I have done. But when I feel a bit better i feel like I shouldn't and I deserve to feel like this. I don't think I'll ever gamble again even if I really wanted to I feel like this is a massive lesson to be learnt. I just think back to all them deposits and I'm so disgusted. Thanks for replying.

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 10:00

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

So today I feel terrible. Cryed on the way to work. Thinking about the mess I have created for myself. I have no urge to gamble, wish id never started. I have nothing but this pain to show for it. I just keep thinking why? Why did I do this? If I'd lost on my first bet would I have stopped? Why didn't I tell someone when I was depositing too much. Did I not think there would be no concequences? What was I thinking? I know I need to stop all this but I don't know how to feel better. Even if I never gamble again im not sure I'll be able to forgive myself for starting in the first place.

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 10:57

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Hi BW...

Take it easy. Ride these emotions out, of course you will have them.
Most importantly, you are here and g free! Little by little you can find strength to forgive yourself.

Balance of thoughts. Find that balance and start drawing positives from negatives. There are many.

You're doing fantastically well..dont beat yourself over the past - look ahead, brighter future awaits ☺

Here with you

S&B xx

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 20:11

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

So after a not so great start today. I can add atleast another day gamble free. I can NEVER gamble again. I am giving 100 percent to my recovery. Didnt realise but Tomorrow will be 30 days GF. This site has helped me so much. Thankyou all.

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 20:12

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Also thankyou so much for your kind words today SJ!

Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 08:26

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

I know iv mentioned this before but the waking up in the morning in a usual peaceful mind ... then remembering the gambling and immediately feeling the anxiety creep in . Again. Not sure how long that is going to last. But it's the worst part of my day getting that small glimpse of how I used to feel before gambling.

Feeling like I have been very stupid and immature throwing money around as if I had it all. As if I had money to waste. Sickens me still. I think I still feel mainly like this due to the fact I still haven't told my partner.
But ill have to this week. Feel like it's going to be the worst time of my life. How selfish is that. If I was to be given a second chance, which is very very doubtful. I will never throw that away. I know this is what people say. But I do believe in myself that I would be the biggest idiot to even spend 1 penny on gambling as it will get me nothing! Cause me nothing but pain. I can never feel like this again. It's not healthy. I never thought I could even feel this low. But here's to 30 days gamble free.

Hoping in a few weeks my diary will be a more positive one!

Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 09:07

Mixer

Joined:
2016-12-03

 

Here's a thought, and it might NOT be a good idea, but you could consider showing your partner your online diary. It may help him understand what you've done, what you're going through, and your plans to deal with it. However, read all your posts very carefully before you do - you don't want to make things worse.

Do bear in mind that it's critical that your relationship remains on level terms after you tell him - you mustn't feel permanently beholden or 'owe him' because, although he is entitled to feel surprised and upset, and he is, it's all about quickly getting together and calmly talking through all the issues you have, for example, your mum.

This might be an opportunity to clear the air once and for all; and with both of you supporting each other could be the springboard to happier times you both deserve. 

Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 09:53

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Thanks for replying mixer.

I feel we have so many unresolved issues. Alot Due to me hiding away and gambling isntead of facing and dealing with issues I didn't want to deal with. Now iv stopped gambling I'm faced with all of this and the terrible situation iv got myself in. I'm so disappointed in myself.

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 08:19

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

All I can think about this morning, is slots! Aaahh. I'm not going to give in as gambling is actually ruining my life so I won't let myself down. I just don't understand why I feel the need to play pointless games! Watching a reel spin? Why Is it so appealing. Day 31. NOT GOING TO GAMBLE.

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 09:05

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

31 days is fantastic, like a 'sword' don't give up those days you have worked hard for to pointless, fixed, evil slots. You deserve so much better.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 14:32

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Thanks wilsy!

I'm staying strong!

This morning I thought. 31 days. That's really good. Think of all the money you would have spent......

So reward yourself.

Have a cheeky spin.

Remember that time you won ×××××× .

Then I thought yeah I do and I GAMBLED THE WHOLE LOT WITHIN 10 MINUTES. And spent twice that trying to win it back!

So today I win.

Today I win more than just money by not gambling. A clear head and a slight anxiety reduction!

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 16:02

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

we win everyday we don't gamble mate, I checked my bank account after 22 days gamble free and all there are, is transactions for food and petrol, amazing what we can live off, I've been skint since the 1st of November and even though I have had to borrow £25 a week, I have made this money stretch 7days a week. It will get easier all the time we decide to refrain from gambling.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 17:10

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Seeing no gambling site transactions on my statements is such a good feeling. When I want to gamble I just think about the transactions at my lowest point. Literally turns my stomach at how stupid I have been. Day 31 nearly over. Can't wait to make it 32! Well done in your 22 days!

Posted on:
Fri, 24/11/2017 - 09:41

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Searched for a site this morning, sat looking at my favourite games. How sad?! Looking at them thinking why am I so addicted to these? .... just one last play. No one would know. It's as if I'm not bothered about the money I just want the thrill. Obviously why iv been throwing money away as if I can afford it. I resisted. I came straight out. I don't need that in my life. Just keep thinking of the shame I'd feel if I even bet "one last pound".

I obviously do not have the right blocks in place, I self excluded but not from all sites.. no 1 thing on my list of to do's

Posted on:
Fri, 24/11/2017 - 09:57

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

It doesn't leave you, but you have to know how to control it, and when it's there, it does not want you to work it out, the "Just a £10, what harm will that do" is one of his most famous lines. Streamers or playing in Demo is just the Gambling mind at his kiosk giving you free samples waiting for you to buy into the trap. Like you say once your trapped in the web you really dont care about the money, but thats at the time or in the zone, when the jouney ends then it hits home.

Posted on:
Fri, 24/11/2017 - 10:37

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Well done on walking away love. .
You know it will only take..take..take...
And we're all to good for a relationship with such a selfish ..greedy...manipulative. ..piece of electronic equipment we once thought of as a friend !
No friend sucks you in...chews you up...and spits you out on the scrap heap without a 2nd thought...
Get those blocks up higher if need be....your days are adding up love...and you're doing great..xx

Posted on:
Fri, 24/11/2017 - 10:55

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Come on, BW, lets walk briskly away from these sites together. No actually, lets run because there really is a devil behind us.

I found myself searching for an old favourite game earlier this week when the bad part of my mind started trying to tempt me. Really not a good thing to be doing. Looking at games, playing demos etc all takes us far too near to the fire and puts us just 2 or 3 clicks away from doing something really stupid that we will regret and feel sick about the next morning.

32 days GF for you, keep it up.

Muststop123

Posted on:
Fri, 24/11/2017 - 17:40

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Your so right! Thankyou so much! I am not giving in. I'm stronger than this.

Loxxie - what a great description!

Muststop - I am running faster than ever!

Posted on:
Sat, 25/11/2017 - 18:45

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

33 days. Iv passed the 48 hours of struggling with the urges. But it's over now and I'm so glad I didn't give in as I'd be writing how sick I feel, anxious and depressed I am.

Iv been thinking about gambling addictions and how we feel such shame, embarrassment and guilt when gambling is publicly advertised everywhere yet we all gamble with such secrecy. And how so many people get so addicted and how many lives this destroys. Gamblers and non-gamblers. It's truelly soul destroying.

Go back 2 years I'd have said there is no way I would become a gambling addict. I would never waste that much money on a virtual game. Crazy.

Posted on:
Sun, 26/11/2017 - 13:01

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Day 34.

Keeping myself busy and occupied with other things. Didn't install any blocks. As my phone is a work phone and worried it may mess up my phone. Any other alternatives. I have android does anyone use a block and have had no problems?

I really don't want to gamble again and after looking at a site the other day I'm not sure I trust myself 100 percent even though I do not want to gamble.

Posted on:
Sun, 26/11/2017 - 19:18

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Hi BW

Didn't want to reply earlier as was experiencing a little trouble with my blocker.

As you know, I have installed GamBan but two days ago a key (protection sign in notification board) has dissapeared. I of course tried to access sites and yes...i was able to! Since then I emailed them with asking about it and in two days and 8 emails later I was sent another password to install.
The issue for my android was - update. It updated my phone and for some reason took protection off.

However staff at GamBan were as helpful as ever and today I could kiss them all lol..

I feel so much better again. It's just those nagging thoughts I didn't know I will have after what I went thorough over the last 3 weeks!

So yeah..GamBan...£10 for a year licence...only little key visible on the device and you still can use your browsers for internet...i would recommend it!

Peace of mind..phew...what a relief for sure!

Hope you're having a calm and peaceful Sunday ☺

Speak in chat some time this week.

S&B xx

Posted on:
Sun, 26/11/2017 - 21:12

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Ahh SJ that's great thankyou so much!

So I should do my update first then as I keep getting a notification for that but haven't done it yet!.

Iv had a very calm gamble free Sunday so atleast I can knock down another day. Woo
Thanks for getting back to me. I definitely need that peace of mind so I can't access any even if I was tempted!
Going to update then download first thing tomorrow!

Posted on:
Mon, 27/11/2017 - 22:33

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

35 days. Downloaded gamban. Just to be certain. Thanks SJ

I have thought about gambling this morning. Then thought why? You didn't gamble 2 years ago and managed to get through a day without the world ending. So why so you need to gamble now? Obviously the answer is I don't. What are the positive points? None
Lose money
Lose yourself
Lie to yourself
Lie to the important people in your life
Guilt
Anxiety
Depression
Nerves
Sick
I could go on and on.
So no . I'm not giving in.
I will beat this. And I plan to never look back.

Stay strong everyone.

Posted on:
Tue, 28/11/2017 - 15:11

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Seem to have lost a day somewhere so it's actually 37 days since I last gambled! Yes!

Setting myself a 100 day target.

I will never be free from this, I do believe I will always at some point have gambling thoughts. But I cannot give in. I remind myself of the feelings and thoughts I have had. And it's a dark dark place I would never want to return to. I remind myself I have no control. No amount of winnings will ever make me stop when gambling. Always chasing the next big win. Which I realise is never going to come. And even if it did. I'd probably carry on. Because I am a compulsive gambler. And that is something I have to accept.

Posted on:
Wed, 29/11/2017 - 08:41

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Thanks for popping over to my diary love...and your kind words.
I know EXACTLY what you're saying about finding the best way to tell ...the words just won't come out...the times never right. .I was worried how stupid it would all sound.....how on earth could a non addict understand ...when even us as addicts struggle to....I suppose it's about partnerships supporting each other through any crisis...sickness...work problems..family problems..addiction...any thing...
It's not the actual problem....it's the fact that one half of the unit...is in turmoil...so the two should come together and do the best to suport the other..
When my hubby was diagnosed with cancer...I didn't walk away...I didn't say...tough mate...you're problem...you sort it...
I just supported him the best I could....
During his surgery and radiotherapy....that was relatively easy...
Chemotherapy was a different ball game. ..turned him Into a nasty nasty man...always shouting and continuly picking on me....even though I was trying my best to nurse him as best I could...it never was good enough...or appreciated. ..but...I carried on...as partners do...when my addiction came out...he said..
How the hell could you have been playing slots on you're laptop while I was on the sofa nearly dying...your a selfush cow ! Lol
Maybe I was...maybe I wasn't..
The fact that I tended to his every need...wasn't allowed the telly on..it disturbed him...as did the Hoover...and any other appliance...he didn't like me leaving him alone...so never went out...so my laptop and the slots was my world...
I can understand how/why he behaved like he did whilst going through all his treatment. ...I can see he was scared...out of control of his future...so why shouldn't any partner suport the other with what ever is dealt them...
Jeezzzz .....that's a fare old jumbled mess...hope you get the jist of the story....
We don't know how we'll /theyll cope with things untill we/they are faced with them...
Anyway love....your days are adding up...and that's a great start to you're journey..x

Posted on:
Fri, 01/12/2017 - 20:48

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Hi BW,

Haven't seen you on chat last 3 tines so just checking in to see if all is ok?

Hope you're being kind to yourself and taking it day at a time ☺

Stay safe & strong, things will only get better

S&B ...or SJ as you call me ;-)

Posted on:
Sun, 03/12/2017 - 21:20

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Hi guys.

Loxxie thankyou so much for taking the time to come over to my diary. Your a very strong person and everything you felt is how I feel.
How will a non addict understand if I don't understand myself. How stupid will it sound? How do I even say it right? How do I even explain it. The shame of showing my statements. Explaining how I was gambling when I was meant to be doing other things. Sounds like you were going through a very difficult time emotionally when you were gambling. Just escaping those feelings. You have done amazing.
I'm 43 days gamble free now!
I just wish I had the courage to admit my problem. It still makes me feel sick. Anxious.

SJ thanks for checking in. Haven't really been myself at all. So didnt really know what to say on my diary. Finding it hard to get onto chat with the times its on at the moment. But I haven't fallen back into gambling iv been strong. Will keep checking in.

Just need to pick myself up. It's very hard to be happy. Sometimes I laugh or smile at something then feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I should be sad.

But ill stay strong and hopefully will get better day by day.

BW

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 08:00

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Firstly...well done on those days love....that's a thing to be very proud of...the more days you get under your belt...the stronger you'll feel....I completely understand everything you're saying /feeling....and like you I needed to get some strength...and get some of the debts at least under control...plans in place to show I was sorting this. ....it just made me feel stronger ...so I could at least have a posative statement to make...when I explained the problem I had..
" I'm a compulsive gambler...
But look at the fondations I've set to tackle this .."
It sort of gave me some kind strength. ..in the way that I could show I'm fighting for me. ...
Just do whats right for you love..
Just always ask yourself ...is this my addiction messing with my head....
Xx

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 10:25

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi BW555 just picked up on a few similar thoughts ref not allowing yourself to be happy and I agree with Loxxie it's possibly gambling messing with you. I think they cycle of highs, lows and the guilt trains us to self punish and it'S hard to break. Even though I am further down the line I still don't feel 'normal' (whatever that is lol)and have ups and downs.  But as long as we take odaat you slowly get away from the last time you gambled. Sorry to blab on but can relate to what you're going through, take care S:)

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 10:48

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Hi BW

Several years down the line Mr L still can't explain it to me and I've come to accept it's never going to happen. He gets any  understanding he needs from his GA meetings.They get it in a way I never will. 

Prior to telling it would be a good idea to get something in place showing what you have done to block your access to gambling. You could include GA and counselling in that. Whenever you come clean, action will speak louder than words.

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 17:58

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi BW everyone deserves to be happy. Who cares why you did it. just for today. Today is the only day we have to deal with. 

Posted on:
Fri, 08/12/2017 - 09:08

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Thankyou guys.

This addiction has completely messed with my head. I know I can never gamble again. There is no way I can come back to this dark place again. I'm going to set up gamcare councelling. I think I could really benefit to talking to someone. I do not wish these feelings upon anyone. This is a horrific addiction and the worst part is I have done it to myself.

47 days GF. Only the rest of my life to go. I really believe I can beat this just need to get through this. Thanks for all your support.

Posted on:
Fri, 08/12/2017 - 10:10

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hi BW555

Well done on 47 days, I too am awaiting my first counselling session with Break Even through Gamcare. I have had gambling counselling before and it is useful, I wish you well with it and your journey.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Fri, 08/12/2017 - 10:45

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Thankyou wilsy!
Good luck with your session, no idea what I would have done without this place. Wish you the best of luck on your recovery! We can beat this.

BW

Posted on:
Sun, 10/12/2017 - 10:51

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Day 49. Tomorrow I'll be half way to 100 days GF.

Posted on:
Sun, 10/12/2017 - 11:47

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Well done BW ☺

You're doing It! Keep on moving!

S&B xx

Posted on:
Mon, 11/12/2017 - 08:10

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Day 50. Feel like the walls are closing in on me. I'm mentally just a mess. I often think how great I keep it up on the outside but if anyone could see what was going on in my head!

All this because I literally can't find the courage to say "iv been gambling". But I can't get through Christmas like this. Iv got to do it.
I feel like im over the money lost. I'm over the gambling. I just can't get over the lies and keep questioning who I am? I'm actually sick of the same things going round in my head. The same feelings. The same thoughts. I'm annoying myself because I know being like this is not helping me!

Posted on:
Mon, 11/12/2017 - 10:15

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Hi BW

Huge congratulations on 50 days GF, you've done great.

Sorry you are still not feeling great mentally. The aftermath of gambling and the realisation of what we have done is a lot to take in. Good that you are over the money and are staying resolution in your determination to stay away from gambling but the feelings of guilt/self loathing/shame are really difficult to understand until you have been through it. It will get better but I know that does not help today, have you managed to get some counselling? I have found that just talking to someone who will listen without judging really does help see through the thoughts that seem to constantly circulate round in our minds. I spent weeks telling myself really negative things in my head that were not helping me at all and had no real substance to them. My counselling sessions did help dispell a lot of them as completely wrong and without any foundation.

Good luck and keep it up.

Muststop123

 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 12/12/2017 - 08:03

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

Thankyou very much mustop.
I haven't yet been able to attend a counselling session yet. Just due to work and being further away from me. I do think that would help me so I do intend on going when I can. All these feelings are hard to bare at times. Iv never felt like this in my life before. Just finding it difficult and just the fact iv brought this on myself and iv only just realised how terrible this behaviour is. I believe in myself I will not gamble. I will not give in. Never want to feel like this again.

Day 51!

Posted on:
Tue, 12/12/2017 - 23:04

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

51 days!

Posted on:
Thu, 14/12/2017 - 08:09

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

53 days.
Had a dream about gambling online. I woke up in a panic and felt sick thinking noooo Iv done it again!

The relief that it was a dream just shows how I'd feel if I was to give in. Well not today!

Posted on:
Fri, 15/12/2017 - 21:58

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

54 days GF.

Still feeling the urges but just remember that this will never bring me happiness. Only bad will come from this. And the disappointment I'd feel for myself would be unbearable. Keeping myself busy. Trying to focus on other things and organise myself and my head.

Iv become obsessed with saving money. A good thing I suppose. But completely the opposite of what iv been doing previous and throwing away my hard earned money! Crazy. Just happy I realised I had a problem so soon. And when gambling I'm completely out of control. I'm lucky the realisation hit me and I'm 100% comitted to never falling back into this horrific addiction. The emotional and mental torture iv put myself through is just awful. But every day I don't gamble I'm winning and I just need to stay strong.

Posted on:
Sat, 16/12/2017 - 22:48

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

55 days free from the torture of gambling. Free from the stress of spinning reels wondering whether I will win my money back. Then when I do, trying to win more, losing it all then trying to chase back to that first win. It's mentally and emotionally draining.

Posted on:
Sun, 17/12/2017 - 15:22

BW555

Joined:
2017-11-10

56 days!