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#1 Posted on:
Fri, 05/01/2018 - 22:52

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Friday 5th January 2018

Today I deposited for the last time.

Fed up of living like this

Its been a long time since I last logged in here and I might fill you in when I have the energy

I am starting again. I realised I can't do it on my own and the diary helped last time

Please keep comments positive please as I don't need to be brought down anymore than I am

Hoping this will help my mental well being too as a type of catharsis

That's as much as I can do today

See you tomorrow on my first gamble free day

W2S

Posted on:
Fri, 05/01/2018 - 23:04

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

How uncanny.

Just looked at my last diary entry out of curiosity.

27th July last year.

I had just bought a wowcher for a spa day which I actually went to today.

What a coincidence! Must have been fate to log back in today.

So much has happened in that time

Posted on:
Sat, 06/01/2018 - 07:06

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 1

Glad I logged in last night.

Feeling focussed.

Started a budget last night. Need to collect all information and write to creditors but I'm doing something which is positive. Have 22 debts to tackle. Not sure how much though yet. Bit scary to find out. But I will. Head out of the sand now. Pushing forward

Every gamble free day is a day that my debt doesn't grow. It may not shrink yet but it's going to go the right way again

Posted on:
Sat, 06/01/2018 - 21:08

Annie2016

Joined:
2016-05-01

good luck want2stop and thank you for your post. Hope your first day has been ok and that you are feeling strong. Take it bit by bit. 

 

Posted on:
Sat, 06/01/2018 - 21:48

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Thank you Annie. Today has been a good day.

Been at work. Not had opportunity or real inclination to gamble today. Just fleeting thoughts.

Been working on budget and finding out how much debt I owe

Day one done. I'm off to bed. Another early morning

Posted on:
Sun, 07/01/2018 - 07:04

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 2

So my debt currently stands at 12246.42 over 23 creditors

This is nearly twice my basic salary!

Need to arrange plans with debts who haven't got them in place yet. Need to get up to date with rent and council tax first and foremost though.

Need to stay positive. Can't look back. Can't change the past. Move forward. Only my actions now can change. And being gamble free can only be a good thing.

Posted on:
Sun, 07/01/2018 - 20:41

Annie2016

Joined:
2016-05-01

Well done on getting to day 2 and getting your finances in a clear position. It will take time but if you can stay gamble free you will always be going in the right direction. All the best. X

Posted on:
Sun, 07/01/2018 - 23:08

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 2 nearly done.

OH still gambling although each time it says its the last time

Kept busy reading and catching up on TV series.

Feeling positive about giving up gambling but the harsh reality has come crashing down on me. Had a headache last 2 days

Be glad when the rent is paid

Posted on:
Mon, 08/01/2018 - 08:52

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 3

Feeling low and have a bad head

Still determined

Posted on:
Mon, 08/01/2018 - 18:31

Annie2016

Joined:
2016-05-01

Be kind to yourself. Take it one small step at a time. It can feel overwhelming looking too far ahead. Xx

Posted on:
Mon, 08/01/2018 - 19:35

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Thanks for your kind words.

Its easier to be kind to others than myself and I don't feel like I deserve kindness. But what you say is true.

Happy to get through day 3.

Filled in step change budget. Feeling I'm taking positive steps towards a better life.

Hospital Wednesday which is also stressful and stress is a gambling trigger

Posted on:
Mon, 08/01/2018 - 21:33

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Well done for filling in step change budget.
It's a positive step towards taking control and that usually helps you to feel better.
You know Wednesday could be a trigger. I hope it goes well for you. Do all you can to make it impossible to gamble. You can do this!
You deserve a better life.
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Mon, 08/01/2018 - 22:56

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Thanks for the well wishes

Also have 3 hours on my own tomorrow which could be tempting.

Think I have self excluded all accounts by now.

And have lots to keep me busy. But I know this would normally be a time I would gamble

So trying to prepare myself

Posted on:
Mon, 08/01/2018 - 23:03

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Put a few things on Facebook to sell. Gonna have a clear out and try and make some money.

Really want to get out of rent arrears. Know I will feel more positive once I can stop stressing about the rent.

Trying to actively do things to impact my life positively :)

Posted on:
Tue, 09/01/2018 - 08:42

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 4

Been trying to arrange payment plans with debts this morning.

Got plans already with some

Be feeling better once I have a plan and the debt starts going down

Posted on:
Tue, 09/01/2018 - 08:52

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hiya.. our situations have many similarities. My thoughts are with you.

Like you suggest, just focus on YOUR priorities.. rent, council tax, electric... The banks want you to do this to. The man at barclaycard actually said to me, don't pay us until your priority bills are in order. We are bottom of the pile he said... and he's right... it makes no difference to the banks and pay loan companies whether you pay them or not.. they carry on regardless. Thye can't take what you don't have. But if you don't pay rent you WILL lose the roof over your head... eventually.

Most of my creditors have got me on what they call a "medical hold"... they recognise gambling addiction for what it is... an illness.

Maybe like me, you get impatient about wanting to get well and pay everything off. Its deep breaths and hold on, look to the long term, no quick fix... Its ever so hard. Its a struggle.. we carry on

Take care 

Posted on:
Wed, 10/01/2018 - 06:23

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 5

Still feeling positive about staying gf especially as yesterday would definitely had been a time I would previously gamble (although it was everyday anyway it just had higher risks yesterday)

Good advice on the debts and you are right it is an illness

Also got hospital this morning which would normally result in gambling as its a stressor.

Posted on:
Wed, 10/01/2018 - 20:06

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Had an emotional day

Hospital OK. Appointment with surgeon on 6th Feb for a plan

OH gets paid tomoro and I am meant to get £250. Need to spread it out sensibly

Had a rent arrears letter today. Won't be able to catch up until payday (26th) will pay some tomoro. Council tax due Monday too

Trying not to stress too much but its hard

Glad to be gamble free

Posted on:
Thu, 11/01/2018 - 01:23

Kaydog

Joined:
2018-01-11

 

i have signed up to hear as I would like to try a friend who is like me and gambles at similar times so the next time I can message them instead and have a buddy like alcoholics do? I don’t know if that’s something anyone would be interested in but I’m serious about giving up the big time gambling. Iv never joined this before but I have been working really hard for 6 months to better myself and stop the gambling. I entered into councelling and built up the courage to leave my partner who I genuinely believe in directly forced me to gamble as I felt I owed him and needed to buy his affection. I have always felt this of people and I am trying to learn I don’t need to. 

I have been doin so well last few months I won’t deny I have had a couple of splutters but nothing in excess of the hundreds and yes disgustingly some days thousands I was gambling. It got to the point I could win £1500 on a spin after putting down £900 odd and feel nothing and the same for losing. I didn’t even get upset I was just numb and looking when I could next log on with money to try again. Lately I have had £50 nights which isn’t great as frankly I’m skint. Iv had to move home to my parents as I am in so much debt I couldn’t afford my house, Iv lost jobs as I can’t get up in a morning so I’m late or don’t go in because I have been up all night on roulette, Iv got to the lowest point before everyone ditching me and me becoming homeless and jobless on the streets.

I gambled £50 this evening and it’s the sickest I have felt in at least a year, I am so disappointed with myself as it’s all I had and I had managed to keep that in the bank for a week without doing it. I really feel let down with myself . I would really like people’s support from guys who genuinely understand the feeling we can’t control. That’s the worst bit because I don’t understand it and get angry that people think we can just quit but even watching tv adverts are tellin us to go and do it it feels like there’s no escape and I’m so angry 

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 11/01/2018 - 08:29

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 6

Hope today is a better day for you. I can empathise with your story and it is an addiction its not as easy as just saying you will stop. Its hard work to stop.

I thought I had excluded myself but every day seems to have another email or text with a promo offer. So fat I have logged on to missed sites and excluded. It just takes one **** day when my control is lower for me to login and deposit instead of cancelling.

Today could be a bad day. Finally have money in the bank. Not enough to clear the bills which would tempt me to gamble to win. I'm determined not to do this. I need to work out how to spread it out and have enough to live on too. Withdraw from bank so I can't gamble if I feel tempted later

Taking back control

Posted on:
Thu, 11/01/2018 - 23:26

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi, don't do it - save your money, you'll just be throwing it away, if not today it would be some day soon.
You asked about Gamban. Personally, I've had no trouble whatsoever with it.
It's brilliant. It won't let you onto any gambling sites. If you try it just comes up saying you are blocked.
Mentally, I know now there's no point trying so I don't. It definitely makes it easier not to gamble because I know it won't work . I personally never had enough willpower when I knew I had money in bank. I would go for days spending wasted hours thinking shall I or shan't I? Maybe this time I'll win - blah de blah de blah. Then eventually I give in and we all know about the resulting losses!
That doesn't happen now because my head knows I can't even get on to try. It's so much better, I don't sit struggling against temptation because for me my gambling was just online.
It cost me just over £10 for one device, my android phone. I know it goes up in price for the more devices you block.
It was easy to do and my phone seems to run just the same so I'm happy with it.
I hope this helps.
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Fri, 12/01/2018 - 08:42

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 7

Good advice will have a look at it. I'm online only too.

Pleased to got through my first gamble free week.

I withdrew the money and did as I said I would. OH gambled though even though he keeps saying its the last time everytime.

Feeling sorry for myself today though. Got sore throat/cold. My tooth broke last night and its the time of the month. Can't afford to go to dentist which really upsets me as its my own fault really from gambling and getting in such a state.

Feeling a bit low but I know a month from now I will be glad I stayed gamble free

Posted on:
Fri, 12/01/2018 - 20:44

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Still feel poop but the mother in law is going to lend me the money to go to dentist

Be glad when the rent and council tax are back up to date

Posted on:
Sat, 13/01/2018 - 08:15

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 8

Didn't get much sleep. Daughter up half the night as she felt poorly

Work today so should be an easy gf day. Can't gamble anyway as I took money out the bank (except £10) after doing the food shop yesterday I have £2 to live on plus tenner in bank. Get child benefit Monday but should use that to pay council tax. Hate all this juggling. Still have a couple of debts who haven't set up plans so will be getting charged from them too

Oh well I can only do what I can with the money I have. The main thing is not to gamble

Posted on:
Sat, 13/01/2018 - 11:08

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Just re-emailed the stubborn debts. Let's see if they respond.

Posted on:
Sun, 14/01/2018 - 01:15

Neil C.

Joined:
2017-03-22

Been reading your old posts and you seem to have the same issue you had previously. I hope you do like you did before almost a year gf and more this time. But until you have more support at home I think you will struggle :-( 

Posted on:
Sun, 14/01/2018 - 10:35

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 9

Thank you. I dont have much support at home and not much has changed either. I may have to have major surgery soon too which is stressful. I dont know why I have used gambling as an escape etc it became a way of life. I gave in after years of hating the OH doing it. Which is not rational at all. I can't fathom how my mind works. I use things as a substitute/crutch. I just know I can't live like this anymore

Double figures tomoro which is great but its probably going to take a couple of months to see the benefits and stop stressing so much

Staying strong. Taking this one day at a time

Posted on:
Mon, 15/01/2018 - 23:23

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 10

OH on nights which would normally mean gambling till the early hours.

Not been tempted yet today. Got into a series and watched a few episodes instead

Posted on:
Tue, 16/01/2018 - 16:43

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 11

Have no real inclination to gamble at the moment.

Mind is pre occupied with other things such as rent arrears council tax bills and debt.

Also keeping busy reading or watching Netflix (could be doing lots of other things around the house but I'm being kind to myself at the mo)

Slimming world tonight. Not doing great at the moment substituting food for gambling a bit I think. I know I will feel better when I lose weight and eat healthy. I know gambling can coincide with emotions too. So it would only be a good thing. But I have many demons to battle and dont always have the energy to do them all together

Feeling positive I'm in double figures.

Posted on:
Wed, 17/01/2018 - 14:44

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 12

Feeling tired low and a bit poorly. All reasons to give in easily but I'm still feeling determined. OH gets paid tomoro so I get the house keeping. Need to work out where to spend it best. No doubt he will gamble some of it away even though he says he will stop. I can only help myself and will carry on doing so

Posted on:
Wed, 17/01/2018 - 18:18

SierraJuliet

Joined:
2014-07-10

Hello Wants2stop,

It's been a long time since I've posted on your diary but can I just say you are an absolute inspiration to me. I lapsed last year heavily and now I've started a fresh. 

I want you to know that you helped me a great deal back at the start with my gambling addiction and all I could see in your posts was total sense. I used to log in daily and some times hourly just to read your progress. It amazed me and totally motivated me to achieve the same as you.

I even found myself setting little incentives (which I still do today) which I took from you. I could really see your positivity shining through your posts, brighter and brighter every post you published. 

You are still a great inspiration and I will continue to keep an eye on your progress. 

Thank you once again for making this easier for me, and I imagine others too.

Scott x

Posted on:
Wed, 17/01/2018 - 21:35

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

What a lovely post.

Such a shame I hope I haven't let you down too much by relapsing myself. Its a long journey I am sure. But I am ready to try again

Had some fleeting thoughts of temptation today but have shrugged them off

Posted on:
Thu, 18/01/2018 - 20:22

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 13

I was right OH Gambled this morning. At least he sent over the house keeping first.

Feel annoyed that we struggle to buy food when we earn so much together (him mainly but approx 40000+ a year combined) we shouldn't be living like this

Glad to be gf. I may be moody and feel **** for other reasons at the moment but in one way I feeling better just being gf. Head not so bad and more awake. Rather than zombie like gambling state

Although if I had money in the bank I could easily give in

Posted on:
Thu, 18/01/2018 - 22:52

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Starting to feel more in control. Not only in gambling but in other aspects. Trying to sort out finances and my eating too

Feeling positive

Posted on:
Fri, 19/01/2018 - 10:57

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 14

OH borrowed more to gamble and now has no money for his direct debit. Annoyed even though I understand how it goes. Just can't believe him when he says he will change. Doesn't seem to try. I may have relapsed several times but I make an effort and try

Posted on:
Sun, 21/01/2018 - 19:50

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 16

Forgot to login yesterday was busy then poorly. Still feeling rough

OH said he will cancel his account tomorrow. Let's see.

Was proud of myself for not giving in. Had an arguement Friday which had me wanting a fix be it gambling alcohol food. Something. Didn't give in to any

Posted on:
Sun, 21/01/2018 - 23:00

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Sorry to hear of your struggles. You do so well to resist when your OH continues.
Keep going, one gf day at a time.
Hope you feel better soon x

Posted on:
Mon, 22/01/2018 - 13:52

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 17

Thank you. It is hard to resist when its right in front of you. He had another loan today to sort himself of which he gambled £90. He has now self excluded from the site which is good. As long as he doesn't open more.

He is on late shift this week. I would usually gamble the evening away. So I think it will be a mental struggle this week. Not that I want to gamble but there's something in the back of my mind which tells me I might win etc etc

Still gonna be a big financial struggle for a while. Get paid Friday and unsure I will get enough to pay all the bills. Even though they are on plans

Staying strong though

Posted on:
Mon, 22/01/2018 - 20:15

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Keeping busy watching Bosch on amazon :)

Posted on:
Mon, 22/01/2018 - 22:30

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Keep busy, don't let temptation get the better of you!
You know we always end up losing so don't fall for the false hope of winning.
Only way we can win is by not placing that first bet!
All good wishes - you can do it X

Posted on:
Tue, 23/01/2018 - 22:59

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 18

You are right and that's the rational reasoning but we are not always rational. Thats how we got here :(

****** off OH cancelled his account but already gambled on another site!

Posted on:
Wed, 24/01/2018 - 11:44

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 19

OH still in bed didn't go work yesterday. Says he's not going today. Think he's depressed. I can relate. I have been there. But he won't go docs or do anything about it. Starting to lose sympathy as he won't help himself. ****** me off a bit too. He should be looking after me. I have a lot going on. Seeing the surgeon in 2 weeks to get a verdict. Could do with more support. Sorry to moan. Bit it helps. Rant over

Posted on:
Wed, 24/01/2018 - 13:09

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Feeling low today. Relationship problems. Parenting problems. Health problems. Would normally turn to something to feel better. Be it gambling. Food. Alcohol etc

Posted on:
Thu, 25/01/2018 - 21:46

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 20

Feeling a bit more positive today. 3 weeks gf tomoro and payday. Be a relief to get rid of rent arrears. Need to concentrate on bills then and budgeting

Posted on:
Fri, 26/01/2018 - 10:53

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 21

Would be so easy to gamble today. It is going to be a hard day to stay gf.

Triggers. Got paid. Fed up. Emotional. OH Will be at work until 11. Daughter at Nan's then nursery until 4. All these things contribute to a normal day gambling my life away

Haven't got paid enough to cover everything so the brain says gamble to win (haha!)

OH still gambling. Even though I'm annoyed the brain says if you can't beat them join them

What am I going to do - I need to stay busy or at least stay away from sites. Got lots to do around the house but also want to appreciate the time I have on my own

I want to read my new book. I have a couple of programs to catch up on too. In between cleaning up. And walk the dog. Try and keep positive mind!

Posted on:
Fri, 26/01/2018 - 20:45

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Stayed gamble free. Trying to look forward to when I will be financially more secure. Knowing staying gf is only going to help my standard of living eventually

Posted on:
Fri, 26/01/2018 - 21:12

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Been following your diary and the pervious progess you made.

Well done for getting through today. You've done so well in the past, theres no reason you cant do that again and some. Its inspiring to see you take control of an addiction even when your partner is continuing. It shows great strength and personal awareness and i wish you all the best.

Will keep checking in even if i don't post.

Posted on:
Fri, 26/01/2018 - 22:02

brandon

Joined:
Before 2009

Sounds like you're doing really well, almost a month done!

Posted on:
Sat, 27/01/2018 - 19:54

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 22

Thanks both. OH agreed to download gamban so that's on the PC. Bought it for his phone too but can't seem to activate it. Need to have a look. He said he knows he will keep gambling unless we do something like this. Feeling hopeful

Posted on:
Sun, 28/01/2018 - 20:49

wants2stop

Joined:
2015-02-03

Day 23

Stayed gamble free but turned to food for comfort. I am on slimming world and been off plan for last 4 days. Can't stop eating. Stressed and getting no sleep so using food to cope

Posted on:
Mon, 29/01/2018 - 10:23

volcano

Joined:
2010-07-05

Music therapy WTS I suggest, easier said than done but sit tightly with the emotions that’s causing the stress, it will pass and your doing well. 

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