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Shall I leave him or stay and give another chance?

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#1 Posted on:
Sun, 22/10/2017 - 08:31

MicroMum

Joined:
2017-10-22

Hi all...please i urgently need an advice on what is best for my familly..
I am with my partner 10 years and we have 5 years old boy who loves his dad so much and he was the only thing that stoped me making this decision of breaking our familly because of my partners gambling and lies..
We both been working full time..had up and downs in the past and the results of his gambling that haunts us til today..
He always gambled..online poker lottery fruit mashines..pretty much everything he could put his hands on....recently he smashed his laptop after anotherr lost but there was online bets that came to his rescue...
Any way the story is same as usual..lies depts argumemts promisses and another chances followed by lies depts promisses etc for the last 5 year that i take to the consideration....
I have finally reached the point and found strenth in myself to call it all off...demanding him to leave as i realy cnt manage anymore and for the sake of my own sanity and my sons future i started to plan our separation...
He didnt believed me at first as he got used to me threatening him time to time but he is now slowly opening his eyesand facing his fears of leaving his son and home...
He has a mood swings..it escalates from anger to tears and now hes practically begs me to let him stay and that he will get help and give me all his cards etc....
I dont know what to do...i feel like i want to be free and mannage my finances and try to get mentaly better and build relationship with my son as i was so stressed over these years and had no patience for my son...also i lost the trust to my partner and all the other feeling..cnt get intimate and close to him..hes irritates me and i just simply have enoughf....
Other hand there is still a litlle bit of feelings and the fact that he loves his son and vice versa and it would be heart breaking for all of us if he goes...
I just dont know what would be the best option for us...and im not sure if at this point im strong enoughf to take care of him..his gambling his bills his mood swings and everything he will be facing..
Please help

Posted on:
Sun, 22/10/2017 - 08:51

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi micromum it's so tough. It sounds like you've had enough but are now worrying and being persuaded by his begging you to stay. What do you want? If you stay together you need to take control. You need to have rules. He needs to go to GA, you can go to gamanon. Firstly call gamcare and get their advice. I would advise taking control of his money. The problem is you have asked him to go. If he stays that is a threat you haven't followed through. Don't be afraid to get support. Protect your money, don't pay his debt. You and your son come first. Good luck!

Posted on:
Sun, 22/10/2017 - 09:03

MicroMum

Joined:
2017-10-22

I did thought this through..what if i decide to let him stay...
But im not sure if ill be able to manage all of it...i feel drained and stressed myself to the point that this affects my relationship with my son....
I want to know if i let him go,will that harm him or will it let him to get stronger with time...

Posted on:
Sun, 22/10/2017 - 10:14

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

In the end only you can decide what you do. I would tell him how much anxiety you are feeling and how you feel you are ignoring your son at times because of it. He needs to see what his gambling is causing. Please ring Gamcare, they are wonderful and will chat with you. You say he has mood swings? it may well be the gambling causing them, or he may have mental health problems. He may not, but I would suggest telling him he needs to talk with a doctor. If he has mental health then it will not go away without help and will cloud his judgements. I am not saying being diagnosed will make him stop gambling and he needs to put in the effort to stop, though it may make things a little easier if he has an illness and gets help for it. Then again, I am only assuming, he may have no mental health at all.

I have only just found out I am Bipolar. 6 years ago I went downhill and changed from a bet on TV races to opening an online account and going silly. 18 months later I almost took my life. I was diagnosed with severe thought based OCD and depression. I also knew there was something different inside me, but I was stunned to get a OCD diagnosis. I stopped gambling for the next 3 and a half years. I never gave it a thought once, in fact, I hated it. Then in June this year my wife had a cardiac arrest. Thank god I was at home. I gave CPR till help arrived then they fought to save her. I sat in ICU wondering what would happen. The docs kept saying she may be brain damaged and she may even die. 6 days later the stress had built so much that I logged onto a bingo site and had fallen once again. My wife got better and has made a full recovery. Through all of this I have lied and hidden everything. I hoped it would all go away but it never does, it just gets worse. I hated doing it, I hated who I was, but I could not stop until being found out again.

5 weeks ago i was found out. For me that is the release from gambling, though for those around me that is the start of the horribleness again. I rang Gamcare the very next mourning. 24 hours later I was talking face to face with someone. Days later I was with a psychiatrist. They really are that good so please ring them and talk with them. I have now been diagnosed with Bipolar. That has blown my mind and I had no idea I had it or that I have had it most of my life. The more I learn about it the more I can finally see what is inside me. I now know that I can rid myself of gambling with medication and help. I gamble when I have a severe stressful situation in my life, it is a for of escapism from reality. It took my wife almost dying to take me to that place again after 3 and a half years. I can now look towards finding that trigger and learning how to cope with it. Of course, I will still say I am a gambling addict until the day that I die as that is what I am and always will be. I have no intention of ever doing it again but I need to remain an addict to stay strong and beat it (if you get what I mean there?) Since being diagnosed with depression 3 and a half years ago I have been taking ante depressants. Of course, they did not realise I was bipolar and the drugs have just made my condition worse. I am not saying your partner has mental health, nor to use it as an excuse for gambling if he has, it is just one route he should be checked for after you mentioning the mood swings.

My marriage may be over, I have no idea. I see that beautiful women who is also my best mate and I see the sadness and hurt inside her. I see her anxiety, and I wonder how can I do this to her or our wonderful son. I love her so much but I wonder if I should just walk and let her have a better life as she does everything for everyone and deserves to be happy.

Only you can decide the outcome of what you do. Do not be pressured either way. Do what you have too for you and your boy. Your partner needs tos top begging you to take him back. Tell him that actions speak louder than words. I do not have the answers, but maybe suggest that you tell him that when you see a change and an effort from him (GA meetings, doctors etc) you will consider talking about wether you have a future as a family.

But please, ring Gamcare.

Best of luck with everything

Posted on:
Sun, 22/10/2017 - 10:56

Nikki56

Joined:
2017-10-01

I would not trust what he says - he can say anything to try to keep the current situation, unless he changes his actions words mean nothing. Read about the cycle of abuse, same thing, honeymoon period and anger. If he truly loves his son he'll try to change, otherwise it's all just pretty words.

Even more - don't get distracted about how your actions impact on him, will your leaving help or hinder his recovery, this does not matter - you and son are priority at the moment, he is 5 years and completely reliant on you. Your husband is an adult and you are not responsible for him.

It sounds like you know what you need and want but his moodswings make you feel guilty about it. Again - there is nothing you can do about those. Give him tel no to Gamcare or tell him to google it. You are not responsible for him, his recovery or his actions.

Posted on:
Sun, 22/10/2017 - 11:27

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Hi,

This isn’t about him, it’s about you. Your boundaries are yours, not his. Your problem is not that he’s gambling, you can’t change whether or not he gambles. Your problem is the effect that his gambling and associated behaviour is having on you and your son, (who is having a poor example set). And you absolutely can decide what you’re going to do about your life. Not alone, none of us can do it alone but the support is there from GamAnon and GamCare. In the absence of rescuers and white knights, the best way forward is to access all the help you need to make the best decisions for you.

The problem with shielding the gambler from emotional and financial consequences is that there are no consequences for him, therefore he can do what he likes. Nothing changes if nothing changes. 

Look after yourself.

CW

Posted on:
Sun, 22/10/2017 - 12:00

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Cynical wife wrote:

 

The problem with shielding the gambler from emotional and financial consequences is that there are no consequences for him, therefore he can do what he likes. Nothing changes if nothing changes. 

 

 

That really is brilliant advice.

 

I have Bipolar. I am coming to terms with it and will get the help I need to control it. I know it is part of my cause of gambling though I cannot use it as a full excuse. I have to be responsible for my own actions as well. I will never stop using forums such as this or seeking the help that I need. I have a long way to go and I have no idea if I will get there, I believe that I can, and I really do want to get there, but only time will tell. Looking at what you have caused to others and in finance is what makes you see the impact of what you do. The gambler has to face what they have done or they will never learn.

Posted on:
Mon, 23/10/2017 - 11:28

MicroMum

Joined:
2017-10-22

Hi guys...thank you ever so much for all the support. I have spoke with him and for the last 2 days i was trying to explain all my feelings and that he has to go. I have been calm and stoped shouting ...we talked and talked and he seemed to finally come to terms with it...litlle did i knew that next day he will be crying and crying and crying....i cant bare to see him in such a distress but i ust cant change my mind because for the firs time in mny many years i am strong enoughf to take control of my life. I did pomisse o him that i will stay supportive and that he wont miss out on his sons life, that my door will stay pen and we will see each other..i tried to talk about positive outcomes of his recovery, i know he cnt feel it atmo but i dont want him to et more depressed only to try and see where this recovery can lead him to...i wont lie, i was so close from just giving up and give him another chance but something in my head was telling me no!!!! u cant do this...hes a big boy and he will be just fine...

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 16:46

Simple simon

Joined:
2017-11-02

I’m am sorry for your pain , I to have been in a same situation, and I stayed with my now husband! It was real hard for me too and also wanted to leave many times but I stayed strong because I loved him ! Do you love your boyfriend.. ? That’s what you have to ask yourself! Also if your son may be affected then consider things carefully.! Some people can change and some may not , in my case my husband kept he’s promises and now I’m glad I stayed strong for him because I don’t know what life would be like without him ! My husband changed because he loved me ! And didn’t want to lose me . I’m not saying it’s an easy road to go down but it can be done ! Good luck

 

 

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 06:51

Nikki56

Joined:
2017-10-01

You need to be completely selfish and think about yourself and your son. Your husband is an adult and whether an addict or not he is responsible for his life, his choices and the consequences of these, not you. He will get depressed as he realizes the extent of the damage he caused but it's not your job to deal with it.

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 11:22

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Do what you need to do. Of course, ask for advice, but make the decision that you want to make, and be happy.

 

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 16:36

Simple simon

Joined:
2017-11-02

What is your problem Nikki??

What experiences have you had ?

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 18:56

Nikki56

Joined:
2017-10-01

I am an angry ex partner of cg so my problem at the moment is anger probably..

In my experience people do not change easily even if they want to, and i believe it is impossible to change or support someone who does not see the problem or is in denial of how bad it is/ the extent of it. When people realise the extent of the damage they caused as a result of their addiction they will get depressed and this is quite natural i think. The denial is there for a reason and it is to shield from painful emotions. I dont think it is healthy to try and shield the gambler from the consequences of his gambling the same as it is for any other addict.

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 19:22

Nikki56

Joined:
2017-10-01

Sorry I do realise i come across quite angry. May stop posting for a while.

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 20:07

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Nikki please stay posting. You have every right for having anger towards gambling. It certainly does me good to hear the sides of those who have to put up with the mess that we cause. This site is so good as it shares the views of all sides. We are all buddies on here, just trying to get through and understand things better,

 

Nobody will change if they do not accept they have a problem or see what they are causing to loved ones.

 

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 21:41

Cc2017

Joined:
2017-09-30

Hi Micromum

I'm not a veteran in any way, still very early days of speaking out and sharing my experience of problem gambling, but I came to this forum board like you around 4-5 weeks ago.  Been living with cg for 10 years or so.  Like you, had enough after about the 6th, 7th,8th let down... not sure, so many.  I feel where you're coming from, as when I read your posts... about the let downs, resentment, anxiety, the mood swings.  I've got two children, 3 and 9.... it's a massive strain for all the family in one way or another.

I received two great pieces of advice already mentioned.  First, set your boundaries.  Take financial control.  Don't feel guilty about it.  Stay vigilent.  All wages paid to me now, she has no accounts, no cards, pays in cash, no access to online bills, even phone bill, open post and access to credit files.  I sleep a bit easier although can't stop her as sure will find a way if really wants to... but the money for me and kids are safe.

Second, focus on you now.  I'd definitely say get a long to a Gamanon meeting.  Honestly, I can't say how incredibly helpful it has been and I've only been going 3 weeks.  I was a bit nervous of going but it was the best decision I've ever done.  It's helped change my pespective on things by speaking to others going through the same thing and their experiences.  Excellent advice and support.  It's still very early days.  My partner hasn't begun going to GA... but I'm going for my sake, regardless of whether she wants to go or not (which I hope she will in time but that's not in my control). 

Before I used to question whether what I was doing was right, now I know it is.  Doesn't mean things have gotten better in the relationship, it's going to take a long time but I feel more equipped for this journey and the decisions that may be presented to me along the way.

Getting down to a gamanon meeting was undoubtedly the single best move I've made.  Second was taking full financial control.

I wish you strength and luck.  CC x

Posted on:
Sat, 02/12/2017 - 01:03

Lucy 1990

Joined:
2017-12-02

Hi all, I was also hoping for some advice along the same sort of lines. Me and my husband have been together 6 years and have a 2 year old daughter. He is my world an amazing husband and a fantastic dad. 

Until last week I thought we shared everything. Last week he sat me down and told me he has a gambling addiction. I was completely shocked as I have never noticed anything of the sort. I also learnt we are over 15000 of dept. I packed my bags and took my daughter to my mums over 3 hours away. I spent a week in a dark place not knowing what to do. I then decided to go back and talk and try and sort this out. I have him a chance to tell me absolutely everything no lies all out. He told me that come next month we will be kicked out of our house and the bills will not be paid. Shocked was an unstatement.  We went to bed and the next morning he told me to pack my bags and go to protect our daughter. I am angry that he said this as here I am trying to help him and thAt was his response.             Then yesterday he admitted that there was one more thing. He has taken over 3000 from a family friend. I am broken. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him because well I love him and he is my world but what can I do??? Please help me I'm sooo stuck broken and hurt thanks in advance       

Posted on:
Sat, 02/12/2017 - 11:32

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Lucy call gamcare, stepchange. If you are going to be evicted you need to act. He's pushing you away to protect you but also to hide. If he doesn't tell you everything you don't know what your dealing with and also he can still continue. You don't say if you rent or if it's because he hasn't paid the mortgage. Does this affect you financially? You need to safeguard your money. Look after you and your daughter. Don't pay his debts. Don't worry about who he owes that's their problem. This is not your fault, this is not your debt. He needs to sort out the repayments and consolidate his debt if he can. Does he work? It's a terrible shock and your initial reaction is to sort it out but that doesn't help a gambler. It just lets them continue. The important thing is to get advice, he's just running from his problems. Credit checks are a way to see what's going on. noddle, clearscore and Experian. I can't advise you on the relationship that's your choice. It sounds like he is in a mess and has let it get completely out of control. Remember debt is manageable but only if he comes clean and tells everything. You will get more response if you start s new thread if your own. Go to bottom of f&f page and start new topic. Ask lots of questions on here. Good luck!

Posted on:
Sat, 02/12/2017 - 21:06

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Hi

Sorry to see this. First thing to say is you as a couple are not in debt. He is and it's his responsibility to address it. He will get good impartial advice from the CAB and charities such as Payplan and Stepchange. The alleged (any proof?) debt to the friend is very low priority against the possibility of losing the roof over your head and bills not being paid and that's where you need to focus. CAB might be able to give you some advice. In the meantime you must secure the finances making sure he can't access anything and establish the true picture regarding the debt he's in via credit reports from all three agencies. Check your own too. You will need unrestricted access to and sole operation of every account shown on them.

Once you have control over the finances you have breathing space to decide what to do and see whether he means any promises he may have made about stopping. If he doesn't want to stop though he won't and that's the point where you will need to decide how you want life for you and your daughter to be bearing in mind what you both want, need and deserve from a partner and parent.

Posted on:
Sun, 03/12/2017 - 20:55

Smithben

Joined:
2017-12-03

Hi

Not happy to know others are in such a bad situation too. Just come on here to get advice from others and all the comments are helpful.

Together for 8 years with a 1 year old and found out 3 months ago he's racked up £20k debt. I can't get over the anger still and I've told him I can't.

Multiple debt across credit cards which is now apparently with step change. I just don't trust a word he tells me anymore.

I transferred money every month to joint account thinking he did the same so I never checked online banking. He was transferring money from joint account to his own to replenish.
I saw 100 bets placed in the space of 24 hours on the only gambling site he hadn't blocked himself from. I felt sick.. 5k placed at times. How can they let this take place.. with credit cards too!? I just don't understand.

Anyhow, 3 months down the line I still can't get over it. Im miserable, don't want to do anything at the weekend with him or even talk to him. I only do for the sake of our child. Am I being a horrible and unsupporting person?

He now has been removed from the joint account and transfers money to me each month. Leaving him with £800 which I think is too much. 290 goes to pay debt apparently. He has a work car and fuel and phone so has no personal outgoings of large amounts. And then said the other month he had No money left and it was about 3 weeks into the month?! He said he's had to change his bank account too and doesn't have online banking as I asked him to show me statements (still haven't seen them)
I don't know what else to do other than getting help myself to be able to help him?

Posted on:
Sun, 03/12/2017 - 22:06

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi smithben so sorry you're here. Yes there are others just like you. So you are right not to believe him. When my husband first confessed he went to GA, they advised confess and hand over finances. Which he did, salary straight to me. He sorted his debt consolidation loan, 0% cards etc. I paid everything. So I knew all bills and mortgage was paid. He stopped for a year, but had kept bank account open and started gambling loans, unknown to me. So it's difficult to monitor. The best way is all money to you, you pay everything, then you agree allowance or work on cash and receipts. You need to see credit reports, all statements. Noddle, Experian and credit score(I think). Call gamcare and ask for advice. I went to gamanon and learnt how to deal with a compulsive gambler. See their moods, learn the games they play. Unfortunately from what you say it sounds like he's still continuing or there is more debt that he's not told you. You have to decide what you want. Set boundaries and stick to them. If he wants to stop he will comply. Honesty and transparency is the only way forward. The main thing to do is safeguard your money. If he runs out a week into the month, tough. You need to be strong, get support, find out as much about addiction as you can. You cannot stop him but you can have rules. Decide what your limits are and what the consequences are if he doesn't comply. Maybe start a new topic and you will get more people offering their opinions. It's at bottom of family and friends page. Keep posting asking questions, good luck. Keep calm, arguing drives them back to it!

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 22:35

Smithben

Joined:
2017-12-03

Yes I need to get support or help myself... it's one of the things I keep putting off but I can't carry on living like this for our daughters sake more than anything.

Thanks again. Appreciate everything you've just said.