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Posted on:
Sat, 10/06/2017 - 21:41

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Evening diary and all.

Mrs Bal, kids and nanny have all ventured out to Bingo this evening and between the 5 of them have won sweet FA.

Bal and dog had a wonderful afternoon / evening fishing session.

They are peeved off

I feel relaxed.

Posted on:
Sat, 10/06/2017 - 23:24

tommy190416

Joined:
2016-05-30

Sounds like you've battled through a tough week Bal, and by not gambling you have overcome some adversity and have found some peace this evening. Nicely done my friend. How different it would have been a few years ago?

It's taken me a long time to realise that I need to address the things that bother me now on a daily, weekly, monthly basis and not run away from confrontation or difficult situations by escaping to a fantasy world of slots etc. These issues eat away at your mind and soul. When we come back to the real world (usually with an expensive bill having lost a fair chunk of cash) those issues are still there. I feel less anxious these days, more confident and more at peace with life around me. Yes, life is hard and **** at times but also when in a gamble free life there are now also moments of pure happiness, usually that don't cost us anything other than simply being there in the moment, not 'somewhere else' thinking about mopping up the mess we've created from the most recent gambling binge!

Take it easy Bal, great post :-)

Posted on:
Mon, 19/06/2017 - 06:34

Guestuser9

Joined:
Before 2009

Bavalarrr you legend 

I was thinking of having one made in tartan  

Those milestones are clocking up fast for you now bal 

Peace x

Posted on:
Mon, 19/06/2017 - 21:07

Gazza1971

Joined:
2017-06-19

New to Gamcare. Just 7 days GF but found your diary totalling inspirational. 

Posted on:
Wed, 21/06/2017 - 09:55

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

The day counter ticks over to 800 days gf. Woo hoo!!

My addiction sits well in the background and sometimes it comes to the fore where it is put back in its place.

My debts are being paid but ultimately it isnt about the money. Its about the addiction.

A question i ask myself is "will my addiction ever fully go away". Personally i think not. It will always sit there waiting for its moment for which i will not give it.

Daily i try to become a better person than yesterday.

My appraisal at work was v v good but my boss said sometimes I was too self critical. Since my dirty gambling secrets were uncovered this is so much the case. Probably my guilt as to what i became. Probably my lack of self confidence of which gambling thrived on as the FOBT was my friend.

Today I am grateful for all the support i got from family and individuals on here and on FB.

I never turn my back on my addiction. Today i live alongside it and control it with now how i live my life.

Best wishes

Posted on:
Wed, 21/06/2017 - 11:43

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Congratulation's Balvaaaar on another superb milestone :))

Our Addiction will probably never fully leave us but as long as we never allow it to enter our lives again , then all will be well .

Great to hear thing's are good with you my friend and hear's wishing you well for another 800 day's . 

Stay safe Bal and talk to you soon :)) 

Al x

Posted on:
Wed, 28/06/2017 - 10:42

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Thank you Alan and apologies for not responding sooner.

A strange week in the Bal house at the moment. My son reaches the grand old age of 21 on Saturday and i am off to London for a few beers and scoff with him. His mum (my first wife) passed away when he was 5 and though i have re married i still feel guilt that in the past few years I could have done more instead of gambling on the FOBT. He is now an independent young man of which i am very proud of.

My oldest stepson currently has suicidal thoughts and is currently on sick leave from the military with PTSD. His dependency on alcohol is high several days a week and he was offered a bed on a secure ward yesterday which he refused. The tension at home can be unbearable sometimes and i hope a further visit to the military tomorrow will bring him some peace in his troubled mind. I stand as a rock for him when needed.

Mrs Bal and I are possibly having a small holiday in the next few weeks but this may prove impossible if there is little positive change in stepsons mental state. It would be very unfair to place such a burden on his 2 brothers. We wait and see.

The pressure of work at present is also very high and along with everything else that is going on some gambling FOBT thoughts have popped into my head, however i must stay strong and keep all available barriers high to protect myself and my family.

Best wishes

Bal

Posted on:
Wed, 28/06/2017 - 13:08

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

 

Sorry to hear things are still tough mate. You know as well as anyone we have to be willing to accept the help otherwise it's pointless. You be there for Mrs Bal and be ready to be there for your stepson when he is ready to accept you help. 

Have a great weekend celebrating the 21st with your son we can't get back the tone we wasted but we can make a better future. 

KTF 

Posted on:
Sat, 01/07/2017 - 19:32

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Been in London today for a few beers with son on 21st birthday.

Really nice time where we had a chat about my gambling. He has a very honest approach and said its in the past dad and you are doing well. Proud of you.

Sometimes words can reduce a man to tears

Bal

Posted on:
Sat, 01/07/2017 - 21:03

Guestuser9

Joined:
Before 2009

The lad sounds a legend like his dad x

Posted on:
Sat, 01/07/2017 - 21:17

Julie 35

Joined:
2016-11-18

Sometimes you need to hear those words, and shed those tears.  You are doing very well...and your are a good man!

Am sorry I didn't get to reply the other day....I am meeting myself coming back at the moment, you were in my thoughts though.

Take care Bal xx

 

Posted on:
Sat, 29/07/2017 - 16:00

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Doh!.

I find my diary on page 15 and have in reality forgotten about you. Today i feel like making a "post"

The recovery wheel still turns slowly and steadily with the old adage on one day at a time being paramount. The non gambling days stretch out but as we all know we are one bet from disaster.

July has been a difficult but also kind month. Mrs Bal and I went for a break to Scotland and visited a few places ahe grew up in. The smile on her face as she saw those memories and how fondly she talked of them took us off into a childhood where no problems ever seemed to exist.

Work wise we have been flat out since the holiday however its the way it is at the moment and we get through it together.

My stepson with PTSD seemed to hit rock bottom a few weeks ago. What happened to change him i do not know however it is like a new person has emerged. Forward thinking, strong and positive.

Me - i am fishing a new lake today. The only sound are the birds in the trees. So peaceful and tranquil and allows time to think.

Later Mrs Bal and I will open a new bottle of gin, relax and be grateful for what we have.

Best wishes x

Posted on:
Mon, 07/08/2017 - 07:29

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Morning,

My gambling recovery is going well however can you become addicted to recovery.

I have noticed over the last few weeks some other aspects of my life slipping. Health and work attitude being a few.

Are we in control of life or is life in control of us?

Posted on:
Mon, 07/08/2017 - 07:52

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Isn't recovery those aspects of your life Bal?  If they're slipping & you recognise it, take action!

We're not in control of life but we are in control of us!

Posted on:
Mon, 07/08/2017 - 09:31

Rhoda

Joined:
2016-12-06

Hi Bal,

I'm finding that now I have put down the gambling, I'm beginning to address other aspects of life....work and health...as you say. For me, gambling was a symptom of me relinquishing control of my life....letting it run away with me. There is much in life that I cannot control, but I choose how I respond. Some days it is easy to slip backwards into old ways of thinking, but if I want the future to be different, I have to think and act differently. So if things are slipping Bal...give yourself a shake up :-). 

Posted on:
Mon, 07/08/2017 - 11:02

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

My dear friend.
Is there a better thing for a compulsive gambler to be addicted to??
If I could wage everything I have on it I would go all in because the alternative doesn't bare thinking about.
I might be reading between the lines fella but does your mindset come from the trait many of us carry and that comes in the form of impatience, the desire to get everything done yesterday.
For me fella your sat safely in the middle lane and you are working the process in a befitting fashion.
My advice enjoy the views and continue to reap the reward for the effort you have given.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 21:01

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Kelly, Rhoda and Duncan - many thanks for taking time to help me.

Today has been a difficult day. If it could go wrong it did!!!.

Mr Gamble popped in but was quickly batted away. I remained strong and Mrs Bal and I focussed on the positives and dismissed the negatives.

Best wishes

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 21:50

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Who is this.posting on my diary i ask.......lololololololololi

Kisses (cheers mate x)

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 22:09

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

If you need a sensible conversation Bal you know where I am

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 22:12

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

I think that should go in the Debates section to be honest :)) 

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 22:14

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

Ouch

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 22:16

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

I think it might be "you know who"

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 22:20

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

I know a " Who am I " on here but dion't know " You know who " :)) 

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 13:51

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey balvo...sorry I missed your post a few days back...and I get what your saying...I like to think something along the lines of...
Online slots were my world for so long....now I'm learning to live a new life...discovering what I really like...don't like...feel...don't feel. .
What I need to worry about...and what don't realy matter....
What I can change...can't change..
For me....I'm happy going along one day at a time...my recovery will be as big a part of my life now...as my addiction was in the past. ..because for me recovery is my life....
Well....if you can make sense of that you deserve a gin !
And is that other poster my favorite brickie ?
But hugs ..xx

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 13:53

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

BUT HUGS ! ! Lol
that's a new one :-)

Posted on:
Fri, 25/08/2017 - 21:54

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

A couple of weeks since I updated my diary but to be honest 2 weeks of rubbish, abuse, finger pointing and laziness at work has rendered Bal a bit knackered but meeting his deadlines as per agreed has been met. That - I am proud of.

Despite the long hours I have not succumbed to the gambling devil that has sat on my shoulder encouraging me to have a punt. After all Bal u deserve it.

Bal has dug in and the boss has agreed a bonus for the work I have done but I have suggested a bit more cash is in order. In the past I would have accepted what I was given but I feel with all the obstructions i have faces i deserve a bit more. If I get it fab.

The bonus should be paid before Xmas and I will make sure I treat my whole family with money I have earned through hard work and not via a FOBT. After all I was a Jack the lad when I won - but in reality it didn't even cover any losses.

The last 2 week have been horrendous but I rise above it - kick the gambling devil where it hurts and be a better person. I have achieved. That I am proud of and I walk into work on Tuesday with my head held high and ready for the next challenge

Bal

Posted on:
Mon, 28/08/2017 - 11:59

tommy190416

Joined:
2016-05-30

Nice one Bal. Like you say in the past this stress would probably have resulted in a FOBT binge but that would have just piled on even more pressure!

You've come through the thick of the workload and can now reap a reward (not just financial but also feeling 'proud'). Not be fretting about a big loss incurred during that period which would probably have wiped out all the extra work - which in a sense would have been a waste of your time.

You rightly should be proud. Well played.

Posted on:
Mon, 18/09/2017 - 08:18

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Morning diary and all.

En route to London on the train for a meeting.

In the distant past i would be plotting which bookies i could visit and how long i have before i turn up to the meeting late, out of breath and skint.

Generally would get nothing from the meeting as i would be scheming which lies i need to spin as the bank account is empty.

Not now - go to the meeting, be productive and the major decision is shall i have a pint on the way home. Lol.

Have a good monday all.

Best wishes

Posted on:
Mon, 02/10/2017 - 18:26

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

900 days have come and gone.

Just back from a weeks holiday in Estonia (staying opposite the Russian border) visiting some of my wifes extended family. A holiday bought and paid for through budgeting and saving and not trying to win it on a FOBT.

Our hosts do not have a lot of money and i was humbled by the time and effort they put into cooking and looking after us. Home grown produce cooked to a fab standard.

We treated ourselves to a hotel stay on the last night and wandered around Tallin without worry about money. We do not spend to excess but it is nice to be able to pick and choose when and where we wanted to eat and drink.

Best wishes

Posted on:
Fri, 06/10/2017 - 23:53

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

I started a report in April and today it has been agreed, implemented and a nice bonus due to be paid.

No longer gambling tokens but xmas tokens to treat my family and me!!!!

That only used to happen after a rare FOBT win.

Today i stay focused.

Today i achieved

Tomorrow i will not gamble

Tomorrow i will help someone

Tonight i treat myself to a small dram.

Cheers

Posted on:
Mon, 23/10/2017 - 09:18

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Morning diary,

All gamble free in the life of Bal. I have noticed several posts recently from partners of gamblers about behaviours and attitudes.

When my gambling came to light my wife did not rant or rave at me. She said 3 things.

Give me your bank cards
&
If you gamble again i will leave you
&
I want you to attend counselling and/or GA.

It was at this moment i knew the lies and cheating had to stop as the threat of leaving would be carried out.

Knowing how i used to operate as a CG it was all lies and rubbish i used to spout. Personally IMO if a gambler is unwilling to take neccesary steps they are unwilling to accept the issue that they have and the gambling may only be deferred but not tackled head on.

It took my wife 9 months to return my bank card to me. In the interim period i provided receipts and still do as i feel i still dont have a healthy cash relationship. The bank account is audited regularly and any purchases / withdrawals are documented.

The gambler will need help but that has to be a 2 way process.

Best wishes

Posted on:
Mon, 23/10/2017 - 13:04

shorty1966

Joined:
2016-04-22

Hi - how weird, those are the exact 3 things my husband said to me and now I am 9 days off my one year gamble free :)  I still don't have a bank card, haven't asked for it back.  Not that I don't trust myself, I just don't really need it and if it gives him more peace of mind me not having one then that's fine by me.  Just entering into an IVA now, was hoping that the debts would drop after quitting but general life and interest means that we haven't really got anywhere with the debts, but at least we are getting the help we need now and there will finally be a light at the end of the tunnel.  Hopefully I will be reporting 900+ days like you :) that's amazing and it's nice to see you still posting on here after all this time.xxx

Posted on:
Mon, 30/10/2017 - 12:47

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Interesting article from BBC sport website from John Hartson

He believes his addiction began with playing fruit machines in a Swansea social club where he collected glasses as a young teenager.

He warns that addicts must make a lifelong commitment to abstaining from gambling because they themselves want to.

"It's OK saying you want help but you have to have it within you to stick to the programme," he said.

"You have to say, 'I am in this for life.'

"A lot of addicts go [to places such as Gamblers Anonymous] for the wrong reasons. They go to satisfy their wife, because they are having a terrible time. They go to satisfy their parents and they give it a month and say they are all right now.

"The key to beating the addiction is you have to want to be there for yourself.

"When you're a gambling addict you've got to come to a decision that that's it for life.

"I can't ever, ever have a bet again."

Posted on:
Mon, 30/10/2017 - 13:18

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

Ain't that the truth.

Cathyx

Posted on:
Mon, 30/10/2017 - 20:01

Dean0

Joined:
2017-09-14

A long overdue bavalarrr x

Nice post there chief.

 

Posted on:
Mon, 30/10/2017 - 20:03

Phil72

Joined:
2016-10-07

Great post Bal about John Hartson.

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 20:47

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

CANCER

A horrible 6 letter word in this world. Unfortunately my mum in law was diagnosed yesterday with colon cancer.

15 years ago the then Mrs Bal contracted cancer and died 4 months later. That episode is what changed me from a controlled gambler who could walk away to a compulsive addict.

Today i have mixed feelings. Strong and weak at the same time. I will be strong for my wife and family. I will be strong as addiction is whispering in my ear.

I am weak because I am human.

Sometimes life is cruel.

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 21:03

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

You stay strong and look after Mrs Bal... life can be cruel, but it doesn't mean that we have to stop fighting.

Stay strong, look after yourself also

X

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 21:04

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

I am so sorry.

Cathyx

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 21:06

adam808

Joined:
2017-08-27

Bal... all I can say is that life is evil and your strength to continue to stay strong is inspiring.

We're always going to be here if you need extra support.

Take care x

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 23:07

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Pasimetus, Cathy and Adam. Many thanks for your kind words.
X

Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 19:58

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Bal has been in London today for a meeting. In the past this would have meant a trip to every bookies between Liverpool Street Station and the meeting both there and back.

After the meeting i met my son and we ate, drank and laughed about anything and everything.

I feel proud and it was a real honour to pay for most things tonight instead of putting £££ in a FOBT.

Best wishes

Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 20:57

Phil72

Joined:
2016-10-07

Cracking Bal. Such a great way to live instead of being a slave to machines or other forms of gambling. Best wishes and I'm so glad you had such a nice day. Phil.

Posted on:
Sat, 25/11/2017 - 11:17

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Morning diary,

No gambling to report since my last post however i am laid up on the sofa with ankle issues.

Strange incident last week as Mrs Bal wondered why there was less funds in the bank than she thought. Initially she presumed i was back to the old gambling ways however we sat down and went through the bank account and it became apparent that mrs bal's spending habits were more than she had realised.

Initially i got a bit miffed as i was basically accused of gambling again however was pleased as punch to tell the amount of days gf.

Today we will have a duvet day and watch a few movies.

Best wishes

Posted on:
Sat, 09/12/2017 - 09:08

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Morning.

All quiet on the gambling front and closing in on 1000 days since a last FOBT bet. Few more weeks to go but will take it one day at a time to stay GF. Has worked ok up to now.

On train into London where i will meet young Bal then another train to watch footie for the avo.

Few beers, chinese buffet lunch and 90 minutes watching the hatters.

But no gambling. Young one may put a coupon on. Me - i will stay in the pub content in the knowledge I dont need or want to.

Have a safe saturday all.

Best wishes

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