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#1 Posted on:
Tue, 20/01/2015 - 16:51

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

I have nothing to live on until the end of the month. But by "live on" I obviously mean no money "to gamble with".

The compulsive gambler has a great number of faults, but the thing in which he excels above all others, is getting by ,with "nothing to live" on.

I hear people say how tight money is all the time and yet they have have enough money in the bank for transport and food.

As a compulsive gambler, very often my online betting account is healthy and yet there is nothing in my pocket. The "nothing in my pocket" never seems to faze me as long as my betting account is plump. It is only when the betting account runs dry that the cold light of day become visible and I wish the "cancel withdrawal" facility was never invented along with the "cash-in" ploy.

As a compulsive gambler I am a survivor. I can live on next to nothing. I will make ends meet. I will pull together loose change. I will sell something on e-bay. I will claim back the proceeds of sale of the goods I donated to the RSPCA, less its 10% commission. I will find something to pawn. I will borrow from my friend or even my daughter and pay her back on what since 1st January 2015 would be classed as an unlawful rate of interest.

I am wondering whether the commercial skills that I have so cleverly honed as a compulsive gamber are transferrable to a gamble-free existence? If so, I imagine that I would do rather well.

So why am I writing this? Well, whilst I am nowhere near my all time low point, I am never the less feeling quite low as I presently wait for the gambling hormones to disperse once again. As an addict, you may say I may say that I am experiencing a "come-down."

When I am past the "come down" will I just go back to my accustomed ways? Quite possibly, but I do now plan on trying to apply my gambling skills to real life. Who know, I might do well, and even enjoy it! 

Best,

Mark

 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 20/01/2015 - 17:07

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Markman 

Fella you are quite simply the bookies dream! !!!!

All I will add is it is good you 'burrow' the cash from your daughter, I stole from my own son.

Hope your wife is enjoying life .

Warmest regards to her, welcome back to you, I hope you stick around long enough to see there is another way. 

Are you still working the same job? ?

You amongst others enter my thoughts from time to time, a couple of times in recent days, unfortunately co-insiding with the tragic news my city saw two folk throw themselves under a train. 

So glad to see you're still with us. 

Duncs stepping forward never back. 

Posted on:
Thu, 22/01/2015 - 10:37

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

It is now 2 days since my last bet. I am not proud of this fact. I have abstained for 2 days and on many an occasion, particulary when I had no money, have abstained even longer. "I am in it for the long-haul, baby!" is what I want shout out loud, but arrogance and complacency has cost me dear before. The good thing is my wife has her own money and if I were desperate, I could always transfer a few quid over to my account and pay her back on payday, but this would be no different to gambling on borrowed money. The internal chemical reactions are dying down as is the eagerness to try and win back some money. I do not feel so lost this morning but boy am I bored! I was actually looking forward to settling down for ten minutes and writing this diary!

Yesterday was immediately a much better day. Because I did a reasonable quota of work for once I nipped off half an hour early. I picked up Louis from the Childminder early and took him straight home. He had an a hour's sleep (which meant the 6 year old would be up until midnight) whilst I tidied the bedroom. I then fed him and his sister, washed the dishes and gave him a bath. By 8pm the better half arrived home for work to her tea with all the work done and we had an evening of leisure - a power nap, followed by the first half an hour of American Werewolf in London - I have never seen the whole movie as the first half an hour is so compellingly well made that the rest of the film could not possibly compare and I just lose interest. It was a bit of a horror night as this was followed by two episodes of American Horror Story - Asylum before bed. So, a fulfilling day, and not a single penny spent on anything, and all without a bet.

So, with many an obstacle to ovecome these next few months, I will now get back to work and try not to make things any harder then they need to be in the accustomed way.

 

Mark

Posted on:
Thu, 22/01/2015 - 11:02

johnb1380

Joined:
2014-09-18

Mark,

Well done on breaking the cycle.

Is the gamblers life really worth it ? spending our hard earned within days of getting it , selling our prize possessions on ebay in desperation and getting a small fraction of what we paid for them , the awkward borrowing from people and the sleepless nights wondering what will happen until the next pay day.

Have you put blocks in place ? if you gamble online self exclude from all the bookies they offer 5 year self exclusion  if you gamble on the high street again self exclude make sure there are things in place to aid your recovery.

It is only when you hit your lowest you realise the need to recover and follow a different path.

The honest question you need to ask is "are you ready to quit gambing" or are you abstaining because you have no monet to gamble ?

 

Posted on:
Thu, 22/01/2015 - 13:26

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Many thanks for your kind words, John. I appreciate your advice very much.

I am abstaining at the moment because I want to. If I really wanted to I could log on to my wife's bank account just now and transfer a tonne to my account without leaving her short, lie to my wife about the reason and then pay her back on payday. I do not want to do this. If I were to do this and lose I would probably repeat come the weekend. If I were to do this and win I would only lose the money having wasted the best part of the week building up the winnings only to lose them again after I have cancelled my initial withdrawal.

Am I ready to stop gambling? No way. This is how this addiction affects me personally. It makes me want to gamble and not be able to imaging a clean life without it. Bring it on. I remember on some Sundays thinking to myself "what am I going to do if I do I am unable to place a bet on NFL tonight? How disappointed will I be." I do not want to go on like this. Gambling has also recently become a little boring at times. The buzz of winning is not as satisfying and I think this is the reason I think I can stop now. No grand gestures or promises. I have not gambled for a mere 2 days. There is a big hill yet to climb.

As regards self-exclusion, I haven't bothered. Although I have done, I have never felt compelled to go into bookies and can easily walk past the FOBT zombie shop* . As regards online betting I have not self excluded but have closed my account. If I wanted to I would always find and open up another account elsewhere. At present I don't want.

I am now on lunch break so will proceed to boil up my 20p packet of curry noodles for lunch. I will then go and call up two would be clients and in a quarter of an hour bring in £2,000.00 worth of business - go figure!

Mark

*(no offence intended or judgement being made as I am no different when it comes to sport)

Posted on:
Thu, 22/01/2015 - 14:16

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Markman

Fella your thread two years ago enraged me, I thought'who is this man? Why doesn't he take recovery seriously? ' I would have gotten all wound up that you couldn't see what I could. 

But I today except fully every journey is different, you have to do what works for you. 

Interesting that you wrote on my thread about all the good things that happened in your recent life with the car and bonuses

It got me thinking about how fortunate I am, I still cook for a living, now on less money but twice as happy. 

I guess a lemonade lifestyle suit's me instead of the champagne one I chased. 

I have served folk two grands worth of truffles in one sitting, caviar at a monkey a tin, but nothing that made me green with envy, in fact I never had a belief in the food I cooked, all style and little substance. 

Kind of sums up my gambling life, that sentence. 

The reason I write today fella is to say I was mostly horrified by the statement about ' burrowing' money from your Wife. 

Made it sound like a bank transaction, or a payday loan, or a mobile contract to me. 

Do you have separate accounts, live life like it's a business? 

Everything is 'WE'in my house, the good, bad and me the ugly! Lol 

Marriage is for my a bond of everything, whether you gamble or not surely you would want the lying to stop? 

Recovery gifted me that, also it gifted my wife recovery too.

Hers I value more than my own, it gifts the resolve no end. 

I wish you well. 

I hope through it you family benefits as they should. 

Regards

Duncs. 

Stepping forward never back. 

Posted on:
Thu, 22/01/2015 - 15:16

johnb1380

Joined:
2014-09-18

I was in your position last year Mark , I wasn't ready to stop gambling , it was only recently when I hit my lowest point I chose to take the road to recovery.

I have won and lost thousands , it wouldn't matter how much I won I would find a way to lose it , win big , lose bigger.

From my own experience which everyone is different until I was prepared to stop all forms of gambling I would always be stuck in the same cycle and finding realistic stories to tell others about why I wasn't able to do things.

You have come to the site so you realise there is a problem there , but for now from what you have said it doesnt sounds like you are ready to stop.

Speak to GamCare and see what they suggest.

Posted on:
Thu, 22/01/2015 - 17:33

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Thank you Duncan Mac and John. Your support is truly appreciated.

Duncan, do not be horrified. My wife and I have a very loving relationship and it is not at all business like. We do have seperate accounts but only since I messed up our finances so terribly and the joint bank account had to close. I have access to her account and vice versa. The point is if I were that desperate to gamble I would take money from her account and lie. This never proved an obstacle before. Even if I were to slip now though, I really would not want to stoop that low again.

John, I am not exactly sure what being ready to stop gambling means. I have heard this term used before but makes no sense to me. Is an addict ever ready to stop until something forces him to? I am keen to know what made you say that. I only have a problem with sports betting. Whilst I have used them, the machines do not excite me. The same applies to the lottery which has never interested me. I am not aware of any other forms of gambling (does bus surfing count?) If I can get over my addition to sports betting I will be where I want to be. As it stands I would love to place a large wager right now, but if I do I will be back to day one tomorrow. I have not suffered any recent massive losses which have suddenly made me see the light (again!). Last week I lost £11.00, having at one point built it up to £270.00. It just dawned on me that I had lost another week and even got a little bored and tired off betting at one point. Whilst I was not really any worse of, I could have been so much better and there lies the problem - I could not stop, but now I think I might... who knows?

 

Posted on:
Thu, 22/01/2015 - 17:45

Lost my life

Joined:
2012-12-17

Hi Markman, are you in any debt over gambling? I maybe think not, a lot of people on here have suffered greatly through what they have done, why you are not asking here for any support ?, most people come on here initially to recieve support because they are deeply troubled. Some stay for the journey and offer great advice. I am someone who has suffered great financial loss like Dunc's, maybe when you are looking at an empty bank account, maxed credit cards and the baliffs are coming, you will see people on here are here because it is a very serious issue. So i would say don't post unless you have some serious point to make and are willing to offer other sufferers some decent advice.

Posted on:
Thu, 22/01/2015 - 19:01

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Lost My Life. I am a compassionate and gentle man and as such I am truly sorry that you greatly suffered. However your post is very upsetting and I am very close to flagging it. Who are you to judge me? Who are you to tell me when I should or should not write in my diary? I will give you some advice. Do not make hasty and offensive posts based on false assumptions. Perhaps if you were to read my heartfelt outpourings contained in my threads over the past four years you will see your mistake. I really wonder what comment made you say such thing. I sincerely wish you well in recovery as I do every poor soul on here.

Posted on:
Thu, 22/01/2015 - 19:39

Lost my life

Joined:
2012-12-17

Markman, I am sorry for offending you, maybe i mis-understood your post, I have perused part of you diary and there are tough, heart-renching moments in there, I note you post on NT saying you are in debt, that is very sad. I posted as i did, because your post seemed half-hearted almost like i'm on here i'll post but i don't really care about quitting, when at this time in my need to severe all ties with gambling, I guess i didn't want to see a half-negative approach to quitting, after all if we are on here, we are in trouble and need to be serious about stopping. So i apologise about what I said but  ............................................. positivity is what we all need.

Posted on:
Fri, 23/01/2015 - 10:42

johnb1380

Joined:
2014-09-18

Mark,

What im saying is personally you have not hit "rock bottom" it is only when that happens something clicks into place and sometimes it doesnt.

I ploughed ten of thousands of pounds into gambling , lost friends , family , relationships and still I went on and on , it was only at Christmas after a huge gambling spree I broke down and sank to my lowest ever point.

Yes gambling is always with us , a compulsive gambler is stuck with the habbit for life , but each day I or we abstain is a victory from the disease.

For you personally from what I can see and read your gambling is bad but my no means out of control , you like everyone else on here chose to stop gambling and it is now about building the days / weeks / months / years.

Everyone will have a personal preference about the recovery journey they take , mine is to totally abstain , others might cut out the problem areas of gambling.

Remember whatever course you take I wish you all the luck in the world.

Posted on:
Fri, 23/01/2015 - 14:01

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Many thanks John. I hit rock bottom a few years ago. My first (of many threads) that first Christmas is very emotive. The trouble is I have previously not learned from my mistakes notwithstanding the amount of help I have had from concerned people close by. 

I am in a fortunate position now in that I have had a moment of clarity during a period where my complusion to gamble has eased without my having hit rock bottom. To say my gambling has not been out of contol is wishful thinking. From a control point of view to gamble your last £20.00 for the month is just as bad as gambling half of your life savings. Not in monetary terms but in terms of not being able to resist.

Today is day 3 of total abstinence and today my gambling compulsion is under control. Today I have the time, the means and the opportunity to gamble, but I won't.

Mark

Posted on:
Fri, 23/01/2015 - 18:06

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

NT I appreciate the value of self-exclusion and have done so on many sites and in shops. I have the opportunity to gamble because there is always another website to subscribe to, always another shop in London to drive to. I must now trust my resolve.

Posted on:
Fri, 23/01/2015 - 18:06

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

As another busy week draws to a close I look out of the window into a dark, frosty evening. I remember breaking my hand and injuring my back at an icy train station two years ago when I did not have a debit card or a car. At lunch time and after work I would walk the two miles to my preferred site of destruction. How good was the feeling to walk out of the shop, phone in hand watching the sport, delighted as my team or player scored another point and then hoping that they would score one more. When I think back I can also remember the fear at what I was doing. The only pleasure came from relief, which is not really pleasure at all, but rather an intoxicating buzz. How many last ball sixes, last ball wickets, missed penalties, buzzer beaters, missed free-throws and double-faults will it take for me to see how senseless this all is. 

I think Houston's NCAA American Football comeback in December (probably the biggest last 6 minute comeback of all time) did me a big favour. I checked my betting account looking forward to seeing the sum of £200.00 only to find that by some miracle the bet had lost. I lost £100.00 on that bet on the back of that incredible loss, but may have won so much more as I can see that I cannot master sport. Just like all other forms of gambling, the house does always win.

So, I now look out of the window into the frostly night, at the car that will drive me home,looking forward to inhaling the refreshing cold air, driving past the place of self-destrution to a warm house, full of hopeful, beaming eyes. No treats tonight though. Not because I gambled away my last few pennies, but because tomorrow is Saturday and there will fun to be had because I will not be glued to the sport.

Posted on:
Sat, 24/01/2015 - 11:35

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Early riser. Dropped Rosie off to work and then straight to football training with the boy. Chicken legs. He reads the game so well but has not the strength to do what he wants to do. He will develop in time. Usually I woule be a few hours into a gambling session by now. I think I will be alright this weekend. Children fed. Dishes clean. I think I'll change the bedding and hoover the house. A happy Mrs has its own rewards after all. I keep forgetting that. More fool me.

Posted on:
Sun, 25/01/2015 - 19:14

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

I have decided to change the title of my thread. Making light of a terrible situation is one of many a coping mechanisms I have developed over the years. However, I can see how the the previous title was one of blase understatement and hope I did not offend anyone. Sorry.

Day 5. Done.

Posted on:
Sun, 25/01/2015 - 21:41

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

GT you have nailed it on the head. There are too many opportunities. The local shop has a massive turnover of staff and it is easy to be anonymous. Having self excluded from numerous sites you would not believe how many duplicate accounts I have set up giving a slightly different date if birth and address. For me it is down to good old fashioned willpower. Thank you so much for posting. Mark

Posted on:
Sun, 25/01/2015 - 21:42

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Sorry - NT!

Posted on:
Sun, 25/01/2015 - 23:49

Ade2

Joined:
2013-03-17

Hi Markman,

Just read one of your posts on NT's thread, and remembered you from a few years ago.

Hang in there my friend, things will get better. You know you can beat this if you just take  'One day at a time'....

Keep strong

All the best

Ade

Posted on:
Mon, 26/01/2015 - 11:32

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Thanks for dropping by Ade. Hadn't forgotton you as you will have noted!

Posted on:
Mon, 26/01/2015 - 11:41

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Good Morning Diary,

How sweet it is  to log on and see "hasn't gambled for 6 days" on my profile.

I very much wish it were 600, however the way I am feeling just now it may as well be.

Life is tough. Money is tight. The future is never certain. But today I have not gambled and have not made things any worse for myself. Hopefully if I continue to abstain things will only get better from here. 

I finally accept that I am an addict and that I need to stop all forms of gambling.

I am here for good this time and will not return the fool again. One week tomorrow.

Be strong and good luck to all in your recovery!

Mark

Posted on:
Tue, 27/01/2015 - 09:54

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

One Week to the Good!

Posted on:
Wed, 28/01/2015 - 12:04

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

I am now 8 days gamble free. This is probably my longest spell of abstinence for about two years. With each day of absitnence my resolve to beat this "terrible affliction" (brownie points if you can place the quote) grows. I am already a better man for it.

As I write I check the cricket score on my android. It is going to be a close one for my  team. Win or lose for them, I certainly win because I chose not to place a bet. The other team bangs in a six. Probably game over for my team. But not to worry. I stand to lose nothing. I will not be emptying my bank account and chasing another loss. Not today. Game over. My favourite team has lost, but I win because I have remained steadfast in my resolve.

It is my wife's birthday next week. I look forward to the weekend. Like a normal person I will be buying her some things she will love, but more importantly, on her birthday, I will be by her side and my attention will be on her.

Mark

Posted on:
Wed, 28/01/2015 - 12:16

I wished

Joined:
2014-04-25

Hi Mark,

Great stuff 8 days of freedom from that horrendous addiction,

Take care.

Suzanne xx

Posted on:
Wed, 28/01/2015 - 12:16

[email protected]

Joined:
2014-12-31

Renton in trainspotting by Irvine Welsh? Well done on 8 days long may it continue

Posted on:
Wed, 28/01/2015 - 12:50

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

many thanks Suzannexx

Rents indeed - Blue Peter Badge to [email protected]!

A great film - I am not a pharmaceutical dependent but boy can I relate!

Stay strong guys!

Posted on:
Wed, 28/01/2015 - 13:07

[email protected]

Joined:
2014-12-31

Where there is pain, hopelessness & disatisfication with ones own life addiction in whatever form exists & thrives

Posted on:
Thu, 29/01/2015 - 12:36

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

That is beautiful [email protected]! Your own?

Posted on:
Thu, 29/01/2015 - 12:40

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Day 9.

Thank you to everyone who has posted on my diary. I am really busy at work this week but will most definitely be returning the complement in due course.

Only 9 days of abstinence and I feel as though I have the strength never to succmb to the might of Gamblor again (another obscure cross reference, anyone?)!

I wish everyone who reads this (any anyone else for that matter) the strength and fight needed to beat this evil within us all!

Best wishes,

Mark

Posted on:
Fri, 30/01/2015 - 10:33

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Day 10.

The first milestone. And payday.

The bills have been paid and the residue set aside for the month.

It will be a very busy day at work. No thoughts of gambling.

I have already negotiated one weekend. This weekend will be a little tougher as it is Superbowl - the higlight of my gambing calendar. There is the usual voice saying "go on, one bet on the Superbowl will not hurt," but there is no way I am going to give in. I do not want to spoil this run. Getting out of the habit is always toughest at the start. I am thinking rationally: a big bet is too risky. A small bet is hardly going to improve my life if it wins, but will definitely end my gamble-free run. No thank you Gamblor - not this time!

A busy day at work and then shopping with my daughter, Zoe, in London this evening for my wife's birthday. There is still a part of me that thinks something is bound to go wrong and that I am not meant to have a normal life, but little blessings like this do help me feel a little normal. I am going to make sure she has a great time. All my attention will be on her.

Stay strong.

Mark

 

Posted on:
Fri, 30/01/2015 - 10:42

I wished

Joined:
2014-04-25

Great going Mark on your first milestone, 10 days well done.

Enjoy your shopping trip, it sure beats a gambling trip,and soo much cheaper lol.

Suzanne xx

Posted on:
Fri, 30/01/2015 - 11:30

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Thanks Suzanne - you are lovelyx

Posted on:
Sun, 01/02/2015 - 23:47

Bornagain

Joined:
2013-12-14

Hey Mark thanks for the post on my diary, I hope you are chilled out watching the Superbowl, Ive just opened a beer and I'm hoping for a Seahawks victory. Its so much better to watch sport without money riding on it, theres no pressure, stress, sinking feeling etc..... Nice to just enjoy some top notch sport for what it is!

I'm glad you took something out of reading my diary, your feedback really gave me a boost, so thanks mate! I will let you know what I think of the book, as the tennis is over I will have more time to get into it.

I see you are a fan of American Horror Story, I love my American shows and really enjoyed the Asylum series. Have you watched Breaking Bad yet, in my opinion its just the best show ever and I can't wait for Better Call Saul to start next week!

Posted on:
Tue, 03/02/2015 - 17:45

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Hi Markman, I have just caught up on this diary after reading your last post to Bornagain (sweet).  I apologise for not posting sooner, I was not sure that I could offer you anything when you 1st came back (you already had affiliations with people much wiser than I)!  Today I realise you don't need advice, so not only can I offer support but I can also congratulate you on a massive 2 weeks of winning...Nice one :-)

I relate to so much of what you are saying esp in regards to not wanting to give up because I definitely didn't & personally feel that all we ever really want as CG's is to give up losing!  The rest has only come later as the realisation that the only way to give up losing is to stop hit home!  I also get why self excluding is a fairly futile exercise, I tried it on its own & failed fairly spectacularly having to waste more & more of my hard earned gambling money on petrol!  It did provide a useful safety net in the early stages of my recovery but now I can't even remember which particular ones I am barred from in any given location!

I was going to ask Dr Google about the last 'conundrum' but I'm confident you would have found me out ;-)

Hope the wife had a lovely birthday & you are keeping strong - ODAAT

 

Posted on:
Wed, 04/02/2015 - 13:15

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Many thanks again for your post ODAAT!

Posted on:
Wed, 04/02/2015 - 13:28

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Incredulous. That is the only way to describe how I feel today. I feel as though I have fallen asleep at King's Cross and woken up at Cockfosters. How on earth did I get here? Where have these past 10 years gone? What crazy state of mind induced me to make such irrational and evils decisions? I am not looking backwards anymore. I look forward, a little, wearily, but need to first to acclimatise myself to where I am now.

Here I am at my desk. The office closed for anyhour. I can put my feet up, that is, if I can afford not to put the time to good use which at work is rare. I eat a hearty meal: masala, rice, spicy potaties, samosas, bhajis, paneer topped off with a Naan Bread - leftovers from Rosie's birthday dinner purchased through abstinence. I am about to enjoy a cup of tea and read chapter one of Mr Tressell magnum opus - the first book I have purchased and proceeded to read twice. I realise that I am, comparatively speaking, in a very lucky place. I have always had this and many other blessings besides and yet this evil has nigh on destroyed me. Incredulous.

Posted on:
Wed, 04/02/2015 - 17:11

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Hi Markman thank-you back for your lovely post :-)

Good job you weren't on the Northern line ;-)

All the advice in the world can't help until we find a way to figure out which advice is best for us & how to make ourselves use it! I know I'm supposed to eat healthily & take 30 minutes exercise a day but why aren't chips veg & the telly's so much more interesting?!

I am still very much ashamed of my past & how I allowed myself to self destruct the way I did!  But I can't change it & neither can I win back the money I lost so now I concentrate on my future!  I'm not sure when it happened (& it is very obvious that I have had a much easier journey than many others on here, especially @ the moment with my rage) but @ some point, if you stick with it, staying in recovery will become more important than gambling!  I didn't know how to be a grown up without gambling but I am figuring it out...You will acclimatise soon!

Look after you, have fun with your family & come join me proving that when the stake is life, willpower is enough - ODAAT

Posted on:
Thu, 05/02/2015 - 18:47

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Hi Markman

i am sure it has been mentioned before (I am a newbie) but I can't help thinking how appropriate the title of  Tressells book is for us gamblers. We give all we can to the gaming conglomerates and don't bother with our selves. I for one have gambled to go without on so many occasions, usually taking my family with me. I read the RTP when I was young and wanted to change the world. Now I'm not looking for New England just looking to pay the bills...Incidentally an ex-girlfriend threw away my copy together with a signed copy of the first edition of trainspotting! All the best Rob. Still very much down and out but working, like you, wearily , at it.

 

Posted on:
Fri, 06/02/2015 - 09:32

I wished

Joined:
2014-04-25

Hi Mark,

Lovely positive post, well done keep strong and keep going to a happier, healthier and saner life, which we can only find in recovery.

Suzanne xx

Posted on:
Fri, 06/02/2015 - 10:05

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

ODAAT, Down and Out and Suzanne - thank you for your lovely posts. Just the lift I need this morning. Will check in with you over the weekend - lots of work to get through today  and lives to make better (which is nice) at a price (which is not).

17 days now since I resolved to expel this demonic spirit from my soul!

Looking forward to another day sans gambling.

I am behind each and everyone one of you.

Mark

 

 

Posted on:
Mon, 09/02/2015 - 00:07

Bornagain

Joined:
2013-12-14

Hey Mark, finally I get the chance to leave a post on your diary, its been such a busy week! I am enjoying the book, hope to really get into it this week. At times I feel like Owen in my workplace, too many colleagues just want to sit back and accept the way we are treated. I try to be more vocal, but often feel its like banging my head against a brick wall.

I'm starting to get excited for tomorrow morning and the return of Better Call Saul, its got a lot to live up to compared to Breaking Bad, but I'm hopeful its going to be good. I've just downloaded season one of 'The Americans' its got good reviews and I fancy giving it a try. A less heard of show that is quite slow paced but I really enjoyed was 'Rectify' look it up you may enjoy it, there have been to seasons so far and season three should be out soon.

I will let you know what I think of the book when I've finished it and also by then there will be two episodes of Better Call Saul to talk about.

Stay strong and keep up the good work!

Phil

Posted on:
Mon, 09/02/2015 - 08:32

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

markman

fella glad to read your self gifted abstinence continues to open your eyes to the gifts of recovery,those gifts are relentless in there ever giving and in return recovery asks for nothing,not a single penny of your hard earned,it wont judge your past torment you for the loss,it won't steal your self esteem nor fill you with false hope.

i believe we the 'compulsive' gambler all wear the same gambling goggles whilst in action, they distort the truth,they give nothing but false hope and our life focus becomes more detacthed with each punt layed.

it for me is never truer that to repeat the same thing over and over and expect the outcome to change really is a true form of utter madness.

those goggles you took off,today it's back to basic's a black and white view,through it you can live a life of your makings not addictions.

keep making that choice

abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Mon, 09/02/2015 - 13:32

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Just popping by to say Hi & a big fat congratulations on Day 20 :-)

I don't feel you behind me, I walk alongside you on this journey to life - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Wed, 11/02/2015 - 10:14

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Thanks Phil, Duncan and ODAAT for your posts - great to hear from you.

It has been a very busy week both at work and at home so not as much time to devote to the Forum as I would like.

I am feeling quite down at the moment. In the cold light of day the aftermath of the damage I have done is quite agonising. 

I know that if I gamble I will only  make things worse. Need to stay strong and avoid that horrible voice telling me that one bet will not hurt.

First GA meeting tomorrow. I have a problem. I have admitted I have a problem. I want to resolve my problem. Logical step methinks. If my boss who goes to AA meetings in correct I will get a lot of benefit. Here's hoping - time will tell.

Best,

Mark

Posted on:
Wed, 11/02/2015 - 12:26

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

It gets easier mate, I promise!  Don't give into the demons & they can't hurt you anymore than they already have!  One bet is what got us all here in the 1st place so keep choosing 'No' just for today & the improvement will come!

Chin up, you are doing this - ODAAT

Posted on:
Wed, 11/02/2015 - 12:36

[email protected]

Joined:
2014-12-31

Hi
Mark

Im sure you will find GA of great benefit, it certainly saved my life. Give it 90 of everything you have got. Be willing to accept solutions suggested to you. After all where has your thinking when it comes to gambling got you before. Probabley the same place mine used to get me! Which meeting are you attending tomorrow i may have friends there who could look out for you

Dan

Posted on:
Wed, 11/02/2015 - 13:26

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Hi Dan,

Many thanks for your post. Will be attending Eastcote, Harrow.

Do you have a thread of your own? Cannot see it anywhere. Either yes or you are a Samaritan!

Best,

Mark

Posted on:
Wed, 11/02/2015 - 13:31

[email protected]

Joined:
2014-12-31

Not my neck of the woods so dont know anybody there im afraid. Just click on my user name it will take you there. If you have any questions/concerns about GA please feel free to ask

Dan

Posted on:
Wed, 11/02/2015 - 16:59

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Thanks again Dan - will leave feed back after the meeting tomorrow

That's another working day done without a bet. Off now to pick up two of the three lights of my life!

Mark

Posted on:
Thu, 12/02/2015 - 13:23

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

Another day of abstinence!

My trousers are still a little on the ragged side but from the bookies' point of view I am being far from Philanthropic. I will keep my hard earned cash in my own pocket to day if you do not mind

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