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#1 Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 17:12

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

 

 

Hi everyone, 

This is my first post, and hopefully my first step to recovery....

What a day to start.. Halloween. Well I've certainly been tricked by my brain... After a painful month of waiting for payday, where I had gambled all my wages away, not paid my priority bills which is something I had never done, even when gambling in the past, I might of taken a payday loan or two to gamble, I've done it all over again... feeling severely sick, tired and wondering how to get through the next month.

Standard story of chasing my losses. I'm 55k in debt, on a debt plan to help pay all this back. Not all gambling, I seem to be obsessed with just chucking money away on rubbish.

I had a chance to move forward today... and I just threw it away... 

I can't continue like this. I have no one to turn to, I'm too ashamed. 

The only reason I'm not gambling right now is I don't have anything left. 

Anyway, I don't know what to do anymore. I know I shouldn't but can't stop thinking of the loss, and all I want to do is get that back but if I could I wouldn't be in this situation. The case of I spent x amount so I'm sure to be due a win. 

The only positive is that I made sure I paid my family back first this month.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 17:35

jspray1984

Joined:
2017-10-31

Melonade

You are not alone....money and i have an equally unhealthy relationship. I have £50,000 + gambling debts, a broken marriage and a complete loss of faith in myself. I recently won £200,000 which solved my financial problems for a moment. I withdrew £30,000 from one account & £170,000 from another and went to bed that night with what  i thought were my problems solved. That night i could not sleep.....rolling around sweating like the addict i am knowing that the money i have attempted to withdraw and claim as my winnings were so easily accessible again by cancelling the withdrawal. 

So the next day......£170,000 was gone within a matter of hours. This is tuesday. I had withdrawn the money from the other account saturday so managed to stay away from that till wednsesday (hoping the transaction had been processed at this point). It had'nt by wednesday it was all gone. If i felt awful before, that was nothing. The weeks that followed i was chasing the impossible once again in the destructive manner that we all know. I know now, that winning that astronomical amount of money was the worst thing that could happen to me. That would have set any normal person up for life regardless of debt but  it was just a number in the corner of my screen. The money never touched my fingers. 

I want to change. Ive been a problem gambler for 17 years and it has become more and more destructive to my life & health as the years have passed. I cannot continue like this anymore & am making the changes neccessay to combat my access to addiction.

Fingers crossed

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 17:51

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

Thank you so much for sharing your story jspray1984. I fear I would of done the same as you. Many time I've gone to withdraw, it's pending, you go on and then cancel in a moment and think I can get more. I don't feel it's real money, as you said a number on the screen. Not until I go into my balance on bank does it become real. I felt I had a chance to try and redeem myself this month, not panic about having no money to go for dinner with friends. But I'm in exactly the same situation and now I'm just afraid the next pay day will come and I won't be able to control it. I haven't even got the strength to download any software or self exclude incase they give me any player bonuses. Which I should withdraw but I know that my thumb will take over and just spin the lot away. Sometimes I think about the rtp, and surely that must be fair and they must return my money. 

My credit history is ruined, but I am trying to see that as a positive now. At least I can't gamble myself into more debt... just possible loose my house by not paying the mortgage. I can't do that. 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 18:07

jspray1984

Joined:
2017-10-31

We are all similar in both story & circumstance. I too was wary of self excluding from certain casinos in case of a 'bonus'. But theres no such thing as a bonus in a casino in our world. We are their bonus, & as long as we continue on the path we have been we will carry on lining the bookies long pockets whilst we continue to live in the terror of not knowing where to turn & how we are going to pay the next bill. 

I am not going to patronise anyone....only last night i was gambling money i dont have. But tonight we can self exclude, cancel them bank cards & download the software to block out the misery that we have become accustomed to. We need to see the light around the corner and jump into it. Yes, we have messed up, but that was yesterday. Lets make tomorrow a new day, & a new start.

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 18:11

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey. ..me again...
Didn't realise you had this post as well :-)
All you're saying and feeling is perfectly normal love. ...
The bit about not closing accounts in case you get a bonus from babs !
Ok...so you probabally will...but what good will it do you love...you'll only play it through...you might increase on it..but....you won't withdraw it...because we cant. ...we cant stop...not untill we reach the decision that we want to...
Give the helpline a ring love...honestly. ...you'll feel better for chatting with someone who understands..xxx

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 18:20

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

 

Have you tried to self exclude before? Or try the software?

I really want to give this up, I want to have the money to save and go and do something more than just make online casinos richer and richer. I was stupid enough to ask today if I was still a VIP on their site as hadn't seen any bonuses since about 3 weeks ago when I got £275 bonus. (Or a small proportion of MY money back) ... of course I spent that thinking I could get some more back. The chat rep said "your account is still VIP and we monitor your account and deem bonuses upon amount played"... So now I'm stupidly thinking there might be some money to come back this month. There I am all day just hitting send and receive awaiting a "bonus email"... it's so pathetic. 

I got excluded for 3 months after getting very upset after wagering 12k in a month and not getting anything back. Of course they asked "do you feel happy about your losses" and I replied "no I don't!!" All of a sudden my account was shut. I felt desperate and I just wanted my money back. And shut out just like that.

Those 3 months were tough, I had dreams about winning and the slots but then soon started to fade. Then after 3 months, they let me back on. Won 5k from £200. It hit my account. Then went back again as I thought I was on a roll... 

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 18:25

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

Loxxie wrote:
Hey. ..me again... Didn't realise you had this post as well :-) All you're saying and feeling is perfectly normal love. ... The bit about not closing accounts in case you get a bonus from babs ! Ok...so you probabally will...but what good will it do you love...you'll only play it through...you might increase on it..but....you won't withdraw it...because we cant. ...we cant stop...not untill we reach the decision that we want to... Give the helpline a ring love...honestly. ...you'll feel better for chatting with someone who understands..xxx

Thank you for your advice :) I will give the helpline a ring. Just being able to chat to people that understand on here has made massive difference. I could not tell anyone close to me. I couldn't face the disappointment and confusing looks. 

I'm so sad I even go on the demo modes just to get a fix when I have nothing left.... 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 19:24

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

I rang up babs site and said I wanted to PERMANTLY exclude...
The advisor offered me a six month limit...I insisted on life..
Felt great when id done it.....
Didn't use soft ware...
Used parental blocks via broad band provider...
Vip status is just a gimmick to make you feel special...
Bonus structures...all down to what you deposit...but on a scale that you need to deposit higher each time to get one...it's all very well planned by sites...

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 20:09

jspray1984

Joined:
2017-10-31

I must be self excluded to close to 50 online betting sites. There are just so many opening all the time. Like Loxxie said parental blocks are a good option. I have attempted the cheaper softwares but there always round things if you really want to.

You have to put 100% into putting up the barriers and aids to help stop you from gambling now whilst its raw and your hurting. Speak to people, dont hide away. Go to a GA meeting, Set up a meeting with a gamcare counsellor, do them all. I cannot encourage you enough. The easy thing for us to do is to think about doiing it but put it off. The more support you have and the more barriers you put in place the stronger your resolve will become. We can do this. You havent always needed this in your life? Ask your self the question. How many happy memories do you have from gambling??. I imagine like me they never end up happy. 

 

Be strong. Talk

 

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 19:04

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

I have got through the day, still feeling very sick and worried if the little money I have will fed me till the end of the month. 

Ive self excluded from sites now bar one, and all I'm thinking about is that bonus back. Again today desperately checking email to see if have any bonus I could withdraw so at least would just have a little more this month to live on. 

Before I get paid I will then exclude from this site too, as I cannot trust myself with any more money. Hopefully then will feel relaxed and a lot calmer not having to stress day to day. 

Every now and then the thought pops in my head about what I done. I feel so sick. But it's done.

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 19:12

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Hi there.

Exclude from the last site! It's lile playing with fire. I am self excluded from most of them but when I want to (fail to fight urges) I do find new ones....& new ones...& new ones...always. blocking software would be good and i talk to myself here same as you.

We, gamblers can survive on very little since we don't see money as source of food/ clothes as you know yourself. There are food banks if sitiation becomes desperate.

Seek help..keep talking on here. Try free counselling GC offers. There is a way out, I haven't found it yet myself but I have one tiny hope left for picking smashed pieces and gluing my life back together.

Don't give up...youre WORTH better things in life

X

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 19:24

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

Thank you so much for your support. I can't shake the feeling of being pathetic at the moment, 30 mins of madness where I had talked to myself all last month saying this won't happen again as was so painful. And here I am again.

I feel so much self hate. Just got to get through it.

Thank you for all your support and advice x

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 19:42

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

No worries ☺

I am exactly the same..go a month and then - boom...go on a crazy gambling spree.

A lot to do with our mentality. That's the machine we need to start fixing first. Everything else follows!

You can do it and I can do it too.

Keep being kind to you and please look for support. One soldier in a field is not a soldier.

Just for today - stay safe

X

Ps. It's easy to hate oneself...lets practice self love as it brings more good emotions! Challenge for you - list good things about yourself and smile to the face looking back in a mirror ☺..these miracles does work!

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 22:12

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

I am having an ok day today. I guess been busy with work and haven't really thought about it. Thought would just check in. 

Thank you Pasimetus. I am still struggling to find the positive. I'm just waiting for next pay day to try and get myself back on track in some form. I'd kinda given up caring on money and was almost self torture as I gambled it all away. 

I've excluded from all other sites bar one which is dangerous. Im still hoping I get some form of bonus back to withdraw. I'm so paranoid that I almost think they know what I'm doing and that's why they haven't offered anything yet... I'm so desperate. 

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 08:23

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Keep fighting Mel. ..
I'm thinking about that bonus your hoping for....well....even if it does arrive...I'm doubfltfull you'll be able to withdraw it...usually they have to be played through...and we all know how that will end....
Just shut that one last site down love....it's your adduction wanting to keep a door to gambling open...payday will arrive again...youll day ...just a tenner. ..and you'll be in the same boat love....get those things in place now....while your skint...then when payday comes....you'll have a chance of keeping your hard earnt cash....xx

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 12:39

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Hi there,

Thank you for the post yesterday. Do you see how tapped in a head active CG's are? We say one thing but spum round and do opposite.

I completely lost it yesterday. It's easy to run and hide, let feelings settle down only to come back and repeat the cycle...ENOUGH me thinks! Time to break the cycle, stop isolating and start reaching out!

I had some good gamble free spells in my time on here ( a member for nearly 5 years ) and i know that it's possible to get off merry go round. It's near enough impossible to do it by your own and to be honest...even if this place brought some sad moments in my life, this is the ONLY place I can be myself and talk it all out. It's massive help for me when I seem to be a square peg trying to fit in a round hole in 3D.

It may be just a start of a journey for you, but please stay close by, keep fighting the urges and remember that every day you stay strong, you're winning a little fight in this battle.

Patience dear soldier...its all it takes. There is no easy way out, keep working at understanding yourself better, keep accepting support and don't leave stone unturned. There is a reason why we self destruct, find it, eliminate it and welcome bright future ahead.
Have you contacted GC for counselling? I just completed a referal form and awaiting more details from them. ...anything what might help!
GA?..what about meetings? Group of heads fighting the good fight is better than one ☺..you have options, help yourself!

It is possible..just for today - stay safe!

X

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 11:25

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

  •  

Thank you for your replies. I'm now on day 8 GF, maybe not by choice.

I did get a bonus, went online and immediately withdrew it. I haven't redeposited it. It should see me through the month now so at least will be able to eat :) !

Feeling a bit of a gambling itch today but determined to let it pass. I keep thinking back to the sickness and thoughts that I just wanted to end it all after a bad session. That's enough for me. I don't want to feel like that anymore.

 I haven't done a referral yet. It is something I should defiantly do but I don't think can face it yet. 

Just thought would check in and put some of my thoughts today out there. 

My ways of trying to convince myself not to do it: 

  • When played on demo mode (I know I shouldn't do this) I managed to loose 3k of "the money"... imagine if that was actually mine.
  • The sickness and despair of loosing
  • Wondering how to pay bills for next month and eat
  • The embarrassing phonecalls to the debt companies 
  • Wanting to buy a treat like a new top but the money is gone on f*** all. 
  • Feeling like being taken for a mug by the gambling companies
  • Not prepared to put myself through this again.

​keeping strong now. We can beat this demon...

 

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 13:21

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Well done on witdrawing that money...my advise. .for what is worth...close that account down now !
Demos...very risky pastime love ..
Imagine if you'd hit the jackpot. ..you're addiction may well have gone into overdrive..."oh..it's paid on demo. ..must be ok to play for real"..and I actually think it's immaterial if playing for real...or demo...its still keeping you're addiction alive...still taking up time ...if not money..but that's just my take on it...
I found I had to completely change routine in early days...when the itch was so bad..
Id normally go straight to laptop as soon as coast clear...or when I made a coffee...actually I sat there most of the time...
I gave my laptop to daughter...which obviuosly made it much easier to tackle the cycle..I have a smart phone. But never played on it...and even in the early days never tried to use it to play slots...
Did you look at parental blocks. .
Mine's still on now...I used a random password. ..and havnt got a clue what it is. ..
It's all about protecting yourself from a blow out love...should the urges realy hit. ...nothing will stop 100% ...but if it makes us think...or actually have to really struggle to get on site and deposit then at least it's harder to play...
My house was like a palace. ..I cleaned for England. ..even done some decorating and major diy. .
Just Any thing to pass time while the urge passes ..which they will love...
Keep fighting xx

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 14:43

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

Thank you Loxxie for your reply. I know I shouldn't go  the demos and I don't even know why I do. It's pathetic. I guess that's what it's come to.

I did all mine online with my phone or tablet, so easy just to sneak off somewhere and have a quick go. Often find loose more quickly that way as was always like just one more go..

I think I need to download a app but I don't want anything obvious on my phone. Sad thing is I still want to feel in control. I am so happy I have withdrawn that money and haven't even wanted to cancel the withdrawal or redeposit. 

I am going to try and find 3 positive progress points per week and focus on those. 

For this week-

  1.  Withdrew the bonus. Kept and not redeposited. My willpower is strong and I can feel how negative it would of been if I just spent it. I know I would not of won and it would of caused a trail of destruction and desperation.
  2. Focused on myself, my mental wellbeing and tackled some differcult phonecalls as result of my last session. 
  3. Still have my money left and I'm 8 days GF! 

Feeling positive and empowered right now. Xx

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 22:53

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

 

Needed to put some thoughts down and read through my previous ones tonight.. I guess I've grieved the loss of my paycheck now... already. 

So stupidly went on a site and thought have a look at demos and new games. Don't ask me why I did. I guess I just miss the headache I get from watching those reels and my brain almost trying to guess the outcome. I worked out now before the final reel stopped if it's been lucky spin or not, then immediately pushing the spin button again .. 

I played the demo with max bet as my mind told me it'll be interesting to see what comes up and exactly how MUCH I could win.. we all know when our sensible head is on this isn't true, even if did win we are going to loose it again...

It gave me some nice fake wins,  my brain starts telling me well if you did that you could win this and that would help solve a lot of problems... 

I'm amazed how the brain tricks you into self harm, self destruct, hell my own mind is against me, how can I possibly fight any longer... 

After all this I didn't gamble, so still remain at 8 days GF... but it's been a toughie... :) 

Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 19:56

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

 

Day 9.... Dear Diary,

Feeling ok today. No urges. Looking forward to double figures on GF tomorrow. Set up some saving goals. No feelings of desperation. Kept myself busy at work and will do tonight. 

Payday will be the real challenge... But I got to do it. I will be strong.

Not much else to report... 

Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 20:05

sjwsjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Ahh please be careful with this. I know its hard but you gotta pull out of this world completly. I don't wanna see you back here regretting anything!

Are you comfortable the blocks you have in places are enough? Can you do more to stop you having access?

Keep going, everyday you don't bet, you win.

Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 20:21

sjwsjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Not to take anything away from you stopping for the time you have. You should be happy with everyday GF you rack up. Just we are very easily lead back into this if we give ourselves a way back in.

Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 20:22

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

And I don't want to be back here regretting anything!! :) 

I've excluded. I'm so lazy if I can't get on something I give up easily. Same goes for online banking :-D

I'm feeling ok today actually, I'm a bit surprised. I'm expecting a terrible low now... 

I rambled off on one on another post. Im going to try retraining my brain to all the nasty negative feelings associated with gambling and each time I think about it or tempted to take myself back to that place. Now I'm feeling sick just thinking about it!!

Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 20:34

sjwsjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Good to hear =)

Have you manged to talk to anyone about this? Friend, family or counselling? Helps if you can say it out loud to someone that will listen.

Take care =)

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 07:02

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

No still can't face up to anyone. I know I should but I just can't at the moment. I can't witness the disappoint on the faces. I know councilling probably the best for me as at least it's non judgemental. I have been to councilling before with other problems but didn't help me at all. 

Posted on:
Mon, 13/11/2017 - 11:39

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hope you've gave a good weekend ....x

Posted on:
Mon, 13/11/2017 - 21:21

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

 

 

 

Thanks loxxie x my weekend was ok thank you kept occupied. Hope you also had a nice weekend :) x

Had a dream last night about gambling. I was online slots, I'd made a new one up in my dreams as didn't resemble any played before!! I played £200, won £1200 and then dreamt I withdrew £800. Im not going to lie, it felt amazing. Then woke up and realised just a dream... but I didn't make it into reality! (Not that I have £200 to even gamble) I do have some money for food and to last me the month so I'm happy I haven't touched that.

My positives for the week:

  • I'm now in double figures. 13 days so far almost half way through the month. So sad I have to count it down.
  • Resisted any temptation, even after very vivid dream.
  • Still have MY money left. Looking forward to a fresh start payday. 

Got to keep going. :) I need the money more than any gambling site and I need my mental health to be good. I can't repeat this last month or it's serious trouble. 

Posted on:
Tue, 14/11/2017 - 08:23

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Good...and I did to...thanks..
I like your posative points..helps you focus...
Dreams....oh boy. ..I remember them...waking up thinking was it real...it certainlty felt like it...
In fact I remember going to bed thinking of slots...and even worse was the first thing I thought about when I woke up...horrible. .but it really does pass love...I know you can't imagine that....I couldn't...but it does...I can't remember at what stage..but now...the only time I think about them is when I'm on here...and that's not a bad thing...
My daughter have me a wonderfull shabby chic ornament..
"Only ever look back to see how far you've come "
Simple but very apt words for us people fighting addiction. .
Take care x

Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 16:33

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

 

Well I'm now on day 22 admittedly probably got no money to gamble away still... but I could of gambled my food money, thinking I'm due a break on the site and the money back. 

No more dreams luckily. A few thoughts of when I won £5,000 from £200 after a 3 month break from being excluded. They got it all back plus another 4K... clever ... very clever ... if I wasn't such a damn idiot I would of just withdrawn and called quits... it still haunts me. That's what I got to fight is that urge to think I'll have a break and then that will happen again.... 

Positive points for this week -

  • Kept busy at work, less thoughts about G.
  • No more dreams. My mind has stopped tapping into my subconscious to try and pull me back into that dark hole.
  • A week left to getting paid. Seemed a million miles away when started this diary. 
  • Feeling ok. Not happy niether am I sad. Just in between which is good enough for me at the moment 
Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 16:59

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Well done on 22 days, that's great progress!!

I have had a lot of thoughts about how things could have been so different if I had stopped at various points in time when I was up financially but I have eventually came to the realisation that it was never going to happen. All the time I had money in my account I was going to carry on donating it to the online casinos. I would have all these limits and targets in my head for when I was winning or losing but they meant nothing once those dials started spinning. The people who design the games really are very clever people.

Keep up the fight and don't go giving them another penny of your money. 

Muststop

Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 18:59

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

That's exactly what happened payday last, I thought I'll only spend the bonus money I had accumulated, then that run out so I thought I'll only deposit this as I thought I might have more luck if I put my money in and thought I could get one up on it! That was it, I kept depositing and depositing until it was all gone, won bits back here and there but wasn't enough so just kept on going!! 

Next test is payday! 

Posted on:
Mon, 27/11/2017 - 22:50

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi Mel,
Read what you said on movingforwards diary post#9.
A lot of what you said could pass for me in respect of how and what effect gambling has on you.
Just wanted to drop by and say I know how difficult this is. You're on day 27 - well done! Don't let your gambling brain make you think you will be able to win. As you know we never win because we can never stop !
x

Posted on:
Thu, 30/11/2017 - 20:26

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

Thank you :) so glad that we are all here to support each other and understand this addiction. I got paid today so thought I'd just check in....

Not going to lie. I've had urges. First thing I thought about when I got up this morning. I resisted, and given it a few thoughts throughout the day and tonight but not done it. It's amazing how in control you feel. I feel proud I just got through the first few hours of waking without depositing. Do feel empowered, but am battling demons. That voice saying "you could turn that £250 into £500, then into £1000 maybe £2000. Wouldn't that be great for Christmas... maybe I'm due a win"

Anyway I've told it to *****, and I'm keeping my money. :)  

Day 30 now. This is the first day I can happily say I've not gambled because I don't want to, not because I've got no funds. 

X

Posted on:
Fri, 01/12/2017 - 14:03

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Great read Mel...
You just keep telling yourself. ..it's you're hard earned cash...
Keep fighting those urges xx

Posted on:
Fri, 01/12/2017 - 14:35

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Everyone who has gambled to the extent a lot of us on here have will always get those urges, and the skill is to know how to bat them off because they can be strong, especially as it is impossible to avoid gambling on a daily basis unless you close your eyes and cover your ears, you have to know its there and know all the sneaky tricks it will do to get you to click deposit.

Posted on:
Thu, 07/12/2017 - 10:24

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

Well I was too afraid to come back on for few days as didn't want to disappoint everyone on here. Relapsed. Spent money should of saved. Bills paid, money to live on but no savings. Such an idiot.

Posted on:
Thu, 07/12/2017 - 11:33

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hi Melonade, it's just a relapse however disappointing it feels to you now, you will bounce back stronger.

Wilsy 

Posted on:
Thu, 07/12/2017 - 12:48

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

No need to be afraid love..
You're own disappointment will be the hardest to deal with...
I'm releived bills are paid..and you got money to live on...
But....don't let you're addiction fool you into thinking that's ok...
Don't let the next time happen love....
It's a very slippery slope...bills will go unpaid...and there will be nothing left to live on love...
Tighten up your blocks...
Nothing will change ....untill you change something....
You can do this. ...and I'm not being unkind love. ...I just want you to see that Addiction will take everything from you....if you let it..xx

Posted on:
Thu, 07/12/2017 - 16:52

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

 

Thank you both for your support. I'm just annoyed my stupid brain got the better of me this time. I suppose I should revisit my positive points and focus on those. 

  •  Yes I've spent some money, but this month I have paid all my bills unlike last couple. Doesn't mean it was money I didn't need, but I've learnt something so far. Just going to have to tighten up blocks as I was running before walking. 
  • I've kept my remaining balance with no temptation. 
  • No demo modes played. 

No temptation to get onto new sites. I looked but the wagering put me off and I thought yeah as if. How much of my money I have to put in to even withdraw. I'm an addict and I could even see that. By the time you wagered it's too late... they are very good at marketing. 

I do feel so disappointed in myself, and also doing ok with support then I feel I've let everyone down on here... especially after everyone's support and kind words. I suppose it's all part of the process. I wonder if I'll ever be "cured"... 

I'm also angry feeling like I've been mugged off again by the site. I fell for it yet again. I guess my brain took over imagining a wonderful win for Christmas and I was seduced. Hypnotised, dragged into this fixation of rolling reels and numbers.. colours.. then the hangover sets in.. numb.. what have I done? Again.

I promise to check in more. I don't want to let you down again. Xx

Posted on:
Thu, 07/12/2017 - 17:10

sjwsjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

The danger is there everyday for all us compuslive gamblers. Doesn't matter how many days we have gone, one bet can ruin it all. We are never cured because we can't control ourselves.

As you say bills are covered its the positive from this mistake. You've looked at HOW you managed to get around the blocks you have and closed them for the future. We have to be super honest and want to physically put every obstical in between us and gambling if we really want to stop.

To a degree you have to forgive yourself for what you have done. Recovery from gambling is more than just "not gambling" its why? how? when? Keep taking the help you are given and try to understand these parts of your gambling addiction.

Head up, go again.