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one more step along the road I go.....

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#1 Posted on:
Tue, 20/02/2018 - 18:32

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

day 1 on this site. day 11 since last online slot gamble......feeling determined.i have self excluded and unsubscribed so no temptations popping up in junk /spam email.
however junk post slipped through my letterbox ... New online casino offering me all sorts with its bright colours and false promises. never had one before.
I thought of putting it in the bin but knew it would be there shouting at me and tempting me.i was livid that it had invaded my space when I was trying so hard....
I.left it out on the table in the envelope hating it.... and when a member of my family came over (who knows) I showed them and handed it straight to them to dispose of .

never thought a piece of junk mail would cause so much hassle ..but I survived

Posted on:
Wed, 21/02/2018 - 09:51

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

day 12 .no thoughts or urge .the sun is shining which helps.
my worst times of erratic gambling and mindless pressing of online slots is when it's grey and miserable and my mood is low .I've got a day off work so have planned a day out with my daughter.i have also set up a what's app group with my family who know and we check in each day.talk a bit about how I'm doing and also about other family things.it makes me feel im not alone .....

Posted on:
Wed, 21/02/2018 - 13:43

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Cookie your post above oozes positivity and what can be better than a day out with your daughter. You are 12 days gamble free which is a great achievement and you will remain determined to go far and to beat this addiction.

I'm wishing you well and will check in with support where I can.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Wed, 21/02/2018 - 17:17

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

thanx Wilsy. I really appreciate your comments as they help maintain the positive vibe. hope all good with you

Posted on:
Wed, 21/02/2018 - 18:00

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Well done cookie on your gf days we can do this! It was online slots for me too, usually from boredom and escape from memories. You sound so positive so glad for you, onwards and upwards! Stay strong best wishes Lulu x

Posted on:
Thu, 22/02/2018 - 20:14

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

thanx lulu.went back to work today after a few days annual leave.so full on didn't have a chance to think about it .got home more junk mail through door offering free spins from one of the sites I banned myself from.have given to a relative to dispose of .

Posted on:
Thu, 22/02/2018 - 20:41

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

day 13 Gf .starting to feel like a weight is lifting slowly off my mind.reading Russell brands recovery in the evenings. payday tomorrow.actually looking forward to reducing the debt.ive had help to make a budget so I know exactly what cash I have for food etc .after bills paid.if I'd been gambling I would have spent half my wages this past two weeks.feeling a sense of achievement as today I am not tempted.and.....exhale

Posted on:
Fri, 23/02/2018 - 10:15

burko26

Joined:
2017-06-16

Cookie12, great work there mate, your diary is really positive and it is so good that you are looking forward to reducing the debt. I am trying to visulise the position you are in now, you are ahead of me, but I am thinking of the consequences - the debt - and I am looking forward to getting to that place where I can make a positive plan about repayments and getting some of the respect back that I have lost. Keep avoiding the tempations, enjoy time with your daughter, keep reading the book too. I am just at the end of Chapter two. Take care buddy.

Posted on:
Fri, 23/02/2018 - 10:48

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

If you've self excluded from the sites they shouldn't be contacting you but it's amazing how often the industry will experience 'database malfunctions'. You could ring them (have someone sitting with you if you need to) but be prepared for them to give you the run around. If they do a threat to report them to the Gambling Commission for breach of their own responsible gambling should get them back in their box. We followed this up by writing to them telling them they were never to contact Mr L again by any means for any reason. So far so good.

Posted on:
Fri, 23/02/2018 - 13:42

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Day 14 today mate well done and payday so be safe. Pleased you are feeling a sense of achivement, you should be proud because you are doing this by yourself and with help of the forum and your diary. Just keep close and keep posting my friend.

Have a great weekend.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Fri, 23/02/2018 - 18:20

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

thank you for advice and support.im lucky in having 2 relatives that are nonjudgemental.but no pushover.they have organised my budget to the point I know what I need to pay out immediately .I know how much cash I can have for the month and that's it.my day job is very responsible .I work with families .I train professionals I work with sensitive data but as soon as I went online I became mindless.no concept of the money I was chucking at games.yet woulddeliberate over the price of food in a supermarket and moan at the price.14 days free and no urge today .
I have my online assessment for counselling coming up .a bit nervous but if I'm going to do this properly got to do it right.

Posted on:
Fri, 23/02/2018 - 19:10

Bamb84

Joined:
2018-02-13

Well done 14 days gf keep strong you can do this . Its good u have family behind u gives encouragement.

Posted on:
Sun, 25/02/2018 - 09:28

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

thanks Bamb84
yesterday at a time when I would have gone online (oh watching rugby)and bored.instead I got in the car and drove to my sister's for a cup of tea and for them to taste test my latest batch of marshmallows.making a huge batch for my stepdaughter wedding.........lot of my panic gambling was worry about paying for the wedding and that belief .....one win would pay for this and that....losing it .......then try again.thatmindless cycle of losing .and spiralling further into debt whist the wedding day creeps closer.
I had a vivid dream.last night (too much late night ice cream!) I was sent a 10pound free play ...convinced myself that not real money so played it then deliberated 10pound more wouldn't hurt and woke up in a cold sweat.thank God it was just a dream .my mind was saying you fool (think Mr T voice) a bet is a bet .the intention is the same regardless of the stake and the only cert is that i am a loser as this is not entertainment for me .my brain has false hope that it will be the answer to my financial worries.wrong....
that dream recreated that sickening knot of dread in my stomach and the fear and anxiety in my thoughts.making the day seem miserable.if a dream could throw up the emotion imagine what really doing it would do.
perhaps my sensible part of my brain was telling me do you really want to feel that **** again .
so long ramble but no gamble
now 16 days free .
meditation is doing me good and I'm seriously contemplating going back to church .haven't been since a kid but feel there is something missing in my life.
am reading a diary a day from start to finish and am totally in awe of everyone's journey .
gives me strength ...onwards and upwards
have a good day all and thank you for reading x

Posted on:
Mon, 26/02/2018 - 21:18

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

day 17 .....busy with work and driving through snow...no time to think or want to gamble.
checking in to read about others journeys to remind myself not to feel complacent
have a good evening to whoever reads this

Posted on:
Mon, 26/02/2018 - 21:25

2018

Joined:
2018-02-14

Well done Cookie. I’ve had some similar thoughts about church and I didn’t even really go as a kid but I’ve been with my own kid a few times. I listen to a lot of recovery podcasts and nearly all of them talk about a higher power and faith. It’s been a common thread. Maybe it’s something that could bring some discipline at the least.

Posted on:
Wed, 28/02/2018 - 18:58

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

2018 ..
I reckon most of us are unsatisfied and searching.that restlessness that leads us to if only .......I won......if only the jackpot came up ......if only I was younger thinner happier etc etc.im really trying just to be in the moment but throughout my life I seem to searching or trying and thinking I'd be happier if .....blah blah.
I am trying to not over think. not think back of forward and just be in the now and be kind
day 19 gf .feel a bit low but ok

Posted on:
Thu, 01/03/2018 - 13:52

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

well done Cookie on 19 days, we do experience many low days just battle your way through them, I often take myself to bed early as the day after a low day is often better.

Keep up the fight

Wilsy

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 10:52

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

thanks Wilsy
day 21....
It feels like it's come round quick but at the same time a long journey in my head.
no strong urge.annoyance when sites pop up in feeds.junk emails have all gone and no more trying to entice me back in the post.
I've had a busy week at work and my job is stressy but instead of looking for gaming sites to zone out to.i check in with family and friends on what's app groups.i read through diaries to reconnect with the issues I have to acknowledge to get better.
my mum sent me a msg to say she was proud of me.considering she's had to help me out financially .....paying back loan to her to avoid high interest rates ....that meant a lot and I felt truly humbled how nonjudgemental my mum and sister have been whilst not enabling me at the same time to continue gambling.
grateful for family x
today I will not gamble .
have a good weekend x

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 11:54

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Thanks for posting me Cookie.

Well done on reaching 3 weeks that is such an achievement mate, keep up the good work!

The future is very frightening, the thought of never gambling or having a bet in a whole lifetime is very scary but that is how it has to be for us, we're addicts and we need to continue to refrain from any form of gambling.

Really pleased your mum is proud of you, it really does help to have understanding and supportive families and well done on being so brave and honest with them as your mum will always be there for you, use her as your motivation to change your life for the better and give her oads of hugs as they are priceless, she'll love them. My mum has just cleared my 1200 overdraft to avoid interest charges, makes me feel so emotional, they just want the best for us mate, they are getting older and they just want us to be happy.

Exactly today don't even consider gambling, I know you won't, good man!

Wilsy

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 12:43

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hi Cookie well done on 21 days I’m not far behind you, you said in earlier post you were feeling bit down hope you feel better now. Really happy for you Cookie stay gf your one of my inspirations too cos I can see how hard you’ve fought this addiction best of wishes Lulu x

Posted on:
Mon, 05/03/2018 - 23:38

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

thanx Wilsy..btw I'm female :) and lulubobs ...appreciate your posts really do.
day 24 .no urges but I know I must never go near online sites and the fact I've blocked helps.had a really low day yesterday but I struggle with depression anyway. very busy day at work took my mind out of my head to focus on others.lots of changes ahead at work.just need to make sure when the going gets tough I don't revert to gambling.still feel.sick at the thought of going near it.when I realise what I've risked......it really is a sickness.
here's to a better life and a better me
take care ...onwards and upwards ...one more step .one more day x

Posted on:
Fri, 09/03/2018 - 10:15

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

day 28 gf......wow that's gone quick.i haven't been near the sites to date and only an occasional thought when reminded by constant adverts.ive started to go back to the gym to feel better about myself and atm just walking on a treadmill with bits of running.not setting goals to put pressure on myself just making the most of now.i was reading the definition of a compulsive gambler and the brain and my pleasure zone in my Brain is definitely sensitive to lights...then add in the risk of losing.....adrenaline rush .....then add in the misguided thought of chance of winning .....more adrenalin spike.....then my brain goes thank you for making me feel better.the equivalent of constantly stuffing a child with sweets.short term sweetness long term anguish.
feeling quite chilled....listening to a lot of meditation and podcasts whilst at gym instead of high paced music.i realise my brain is like a hyperactive child and needs calm handling to not do risky behaviours.
really busy week ahead at work so will check in next week and catch up with all the inspiring stories that keep me grounded.
just for today I will not gamble
x

Posted on:
Fri, 09/03/2018 - 11:46

Stephen 67

Joined:
2017-05-10

Four weeks ago n our friend Cookie 

Bade good riddance to the bookie

Meditating - Ruminating

In  the gym - Illuminating

Posted on:
Sat, 10/03/2018 - 19:57

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Well done on 29 GF cookie. Keep up the good work. We are all in this together and we shall beat this horrible illness taking one day at a time. Hope you're having a brilliant weekend. 

Posted on:
Sun, 11/03/2018 - 13:35

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Well done Cookie on your gf days, we’re doing this! Bestest wishes x Lulu

Posted on:
Sun, 11/03/2018 - 19:19

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

love it Stephen the Stoic .thanx 4 your support lulubobs and Hazard2myself.
30 days no lapses ....
hope u all had good weekends x

Posted on:
Wed, 14/03/2018 - 06:09

Bamb84

Joined:
2018-02-13

Hi cookie 33 days gf for you well done hun you are doing great Bambi x

Posted on:
Fri, 16/03/2018 - 08:05

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

thanx bambi..
35 days ....still gf.
I feel great that I've not succumbed.
I feel focused not to get complacent
I feel angry with myself about the money I've got to pay back
I feel concerned about how deep a hole this addiction can get you in and how you lose sight of sense
I feel the need to keep all the blocks in place so this doesn't happen again.
during the day I'm fine occasionally at night I get vivid dreams that I've gambled online slots and I feel angry at myself .I then wake up really freaked out by how real it felt and the gutty feeling left by the emotions.and have to tell myself it was a dream.
have started to fill the time spent online with reading or drawing.(last sketched 30 years ago!)couldnt afford a big mother's day pressie last week so drew a portrait of my grandmother (now passed) for my mum and she loved it .felt good to see her happy when shesbeen so worried about me.
I'm checking in once a week and taking time to read others as need to look out and not get so selfabsorbed.
thank you for reading this .this forum has helped as I know you guys can know and feel the inner state of this addiction.
I hope you are all slaying this beast.have a great week. just for today I will not gamble xx

Posted on:
Fri, 16/03/2018 - 10:50

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Well done on 35 days gamble free Cookie that is great!

Don't be angry with yourself for too long, I have over 10k to pay back, at least we are on top of things now, just pay back what you can afford.

Below is what I have copied and pasted from my diary in response to your post to me

''

Thanks Cookie for your post. Yes I'm feeling much better within myself, I know who I am I just needed to find myself again. Yes it is easier just keeping good and kind people in our lives, there is no space or time for horrible people, I have tried my hardest and given them many a chance but some people never change, they are what they are. 

Yes my guinea pig (eldest) is doing much better and she's so much friendlier, she lets me stroke her in her cage all the time now so maybe she knows I'm helping her and making her feel better, or I like to think that. I have always wanted my own dog, I just can't because I'm always at work or out and it wouldn't be fair and because I rent and the farm I live at have four outside dogs, they might not get on. Maybe one day I'll meet someone, get my own place and then I can have a boxer which is my favourite kind of dog, what do you have Cookie?

Have a great weekend also, yes my mood has lifted considerably since we entered Spring, I am also now getting out more.

Thank you and I will take care of myself, it is about time I did.

Wilsy''

Posted on:
Sat, 17/03/2018 - 15:04

Bamb84

Joined:
2018-02-13

Hi cookie thanks for your post made me smile i like running too well did before i had a toddler :) we are going to do this together . Bambi xx

Posted on:
Sun, 18/03/2018 - 13:50

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hi Cookie thanks for your kind words, yes social services were called by the Police when it happened they are quite happy with his mum just not her boyfriend obviously. It’s all been sorted he’s in Court April 9th I think. Worst thing is they’ve got texts that he sent his ex girlfriend saying he was going to ‘smash my grandsons face in’ I am so relieved obviously that he didn’t attack my grandson too, it makes my skin crawl to think of him being around the evil ****** I could say what I’d like to do to him. I’ve seriously thought about going to see him in prison and tell him what I’d do to him if he ever laid a finger on my grandson. The police are trying to prove he went there with intention to kill and all the texts he’s sent to other ppl too seem to back that up. I can’t help but feel angry that my grandson s mum bought someone like that into his life but that’s wrong of me. Anyway we will see what happens. So you have ptsd too Cookie? It’s not nice is it. Glad CBT has helped you. I’m having counselling. Hope it helps me. Well done on gf days bestest wishes Cookie x Lulu

Posted on:
Fri, 23/03/2018 - 10:47

Bamb84

Joined:
2018-02-13

Hi cookie 42 days gf not long till you reach the big 50 well done hun xx

Posted on:
Fri, 23/03/2018 - 16:09

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hi Cookie just dropping by to see how you are, like Bambi says nearly 50 days! That’s brill Cookie spk again soon bestest wishes Lulu x

Posted on:
Fri, 23/03/2018 - 20:54

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

hi .all good still gf.got to Thursday and realised I hadn't thought or had images in my head or dreamt of slotsthis week.received another card in the post from a new online ....ripped it up before I could read the name.they have only come by post since I self excluded.6 weeks ago I would have been angry/anxious/in turmoil....today nothing.i am not letting them havethepower. mymantra today is.i have the power to control my urges I have the power to change.i have the power to be happy. one more step along the road .....have a good week all and thank you for checking up on me.very busy at work and a few health issues plus carer to my gorgeous disabled adult daughter so not enough minutes in my day to get up to mischief .take care

Posted on:
Sat, 24/03/2018 - 10:42

Anon100

Joined:
2016-08-31

Hi , thank you for writing on my diary, glad to see your days stacking up.  Stay positive, it’s so worth it, when mr g sits on your shoulder saying go on one £10.00 won’t hurt knock him out, trust me the urges that wash over you get less and less.  Do things to fill those free hours you have, such as colouring books, walking etc.  Reading diaries on here inspired me no end.  Whilst I’m still able to I shall support and watch out for you.  Best wishes, stay strong x x 

Posted on:
Wed, 28/03/2018 - 16:01

Bamb84

Joined:
2018-02-13

Hi cookie 47 days gf hope you are well hun and sticking to your guns . Glad yiu having less images of those nasty slots it does get easier im feeling better no urges recently but still keeping my guard up . Sorry your still gettingvit through the post its so wrong you should report them . Speak soon hun stay strong Bambi x

Posted on:
Sat, 31/03/2018 - 20:45

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

50 !!!gf
thank you anon and bambi ..xx
week off .have rediscovered a talent for portaitures in pens and family are all asking for pictures so keeping me busy.have got through the week without any urges ...keep fighting everyone xx

Posted on:
Sun, 01/04/2018 - 09:05

Bamb84

Joined:
2018-02-13

Happy Easter hun well done 51 days gf so glad you have found a new hobby you sound happy which is great :) stay strong hun best wishes Bambi x

Posted on:
Mon, 09/04/2018 - 20:31

Bamb84

Joined:
2018-02-13

Hi cookie 59 days gf well done . Hope you are well hun and keeping busy :) Bambi x