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Omg i hate myself right now

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#1 Posted on:
Mon, 22/05/2017 - 17:10

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

So after 8 months being gamble free I've hit the slots in a massive way . Really want to end it all right now !!! I really dispise myself why did i do it 1000 gone in 2 days not im literally skint with no more money for a month !!! Im so desperate for help to stop this horrid addiction don't know what im to do. So tired of the battle . The constant urges to play . All i can say is im physical done I've nowhere else to go from here I've given up !!

Posted on:
Mon, 22/05/2017 - 17:36

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hey SG :)) Sorry to hear youv'e had a bit of a wobble , 8 months is no mean feat so something must have worked for a while !.

You said about ending it all right now ? which to be honest is exactly how I felt when I arrived here 18 months ago but looking back I don't think any of us really want to go down that route , In my case it was that I just wanted the pain of gambling to go away . Passing words onto you that were gifted to me " Suicide is a "Permanent" solution to a "Temporary" problem , those words helped me put things in context and I hope they'll do the same for you..

It does get tiring and draining in all way's and it's a vicious cycle of repeat , Gamble win , gamble lose , beat yourself up and then gamble again to try and start back where you were in the first place ,   it's no wonder our mind's are all over the place is it ? .

If youv'e gone 8 months without gambling then you know you can do this :)) , I found for me it was all about the letting go of the losses and for the first time in my life admitting defeat and realising I could never win as gambling had beat me into submission . Accepting that gambling is all about odds and statistics and that those odds will always be in the betting firms favour should show us all that we will never win .

The money youv'e lost although a fair amount can alway's be re earnt , it doesnt help how your feeling right now but as you do know it will get better :)) .....................Imagining your life without gambling is quite a scary prospect , I know it was for me when I stopped , I'd gambled for 35plus yr's so " How was I going to manage without my gambling crutch to lean on " ? but trust me when I say " It is all about the fear of letting go for good " It's like the first time you let go of the edge of the pool learning to swim as a kid , As soon as you do you eventually realise you don't need to hold on any longer ? . :))

If your feeling that low , then please consider talking to someone , either a family memeber if you can confide , or Gamcare or the Samaritans or if you feel a little better then just keep putting your thought's down on here ? .

Were not here to judge as we all know how you feel :))

Take care and I'll talk with you soon .

Alan   Compulsive gambler 

Posted on:
Wed, 24/05/2017 - 10:38

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

Ty Alan for your reply x I've spoke to gamcare yesterday and they are referring me x just just damn frustrated with myself for going bk after all that time x

Posted on:
Wed, 24/05/2017 - 11:50

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

HI Sg , I'm really Glad youv'e spoken with Gamcare and hopefully it will help immensely :)) I can also understand the frustration you feel but that slip will hopefully be the catalyst you need to keep you gamble free for good , sometimes we get a bit complacent almost coc.cky at times because weve gone a while without a bet It's our gambling brains sucking us back in by saying " I can control this now " but I know where that ends as I did it many times before finally stopping completely .

Just get back on the horse and keep pushing on , I'm sure you'll get to where you want to be :)) xx 

Posted on:
Sat, 23/06/2018 - 23:04

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

Bk to day 1 been so stupid . Now got nothing for the MTH my kids don't deserve this !!!!

No way bk now so all that's needed is goodbye to my kids I love u very much always remember that X

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 00:00

Whip94

Joined:
2018-06-21

Sorrygorry... what do you mean no way back now??? You can get through this and turn it around

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 00:23

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

I can't I've tried and failed so many times . I've hurt those close to me . We can't survive with no money an it's my fault so I need to take myself out the equation for good so they don't have to struggle ever again ....
... It's for the best

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 00:51

bluescreen

Joined:
2018-03-13

Sorrygorry... take a deep breath and think about it. Your family needs you. How would they feel if you were gone? The loss of a bit of money is nothing compared to the loss of a loved one.

Noone would be better off without you - on the contrary. Finances can be sorted. You can get through it, together, and there will be better times after this. Ending your life would be the final solution to a temporary problem and leave your family in more shatters than before.

There is always a way out. Things can be sorted if you reach out for help. Why don't you start with ringing the samaritans and talk about it?

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 01:03

XGamblerX

Joined:
2018-05-08

Please come with me and prove we can beat this! We get 1 shot at life not 2! Some of us are blessed with what the rich would give there wealth up for! OUR KIDS!! There's always a way out!! I PROMISE!!! Its only money!! Be strong and accept your financial loss!! It's so much easier than your babies accepting there loss! I know from experiance!!  IT'S ONLY MONEY!!!! YOUR BABIES NEED YOU!!!

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 01:13

XGamblerX

Joined:
2018-05-08

Tomorrow speak to stepchange and register for gamstop!
You still have a chance to turn your life round, DO IT FOR YOUR FAMILY PLEASE!!

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 08:52

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

I've got a dmp plan with stepchange already coz of debt through gambling . It may only be money but you can't survive without it ! Believe me the kids would be so much better off I'm a waste of space how can I tell them an my husband I've done it again. I've spent everything ??? How can we live with no gas an electric food ? This is totally my demon an I did it .
Why the heck did I go on after everything ? Why did I personally choose to deposit money that was for the kids to eat ??? Because I'm a bad mother nothing else . My babies don't need that in their lives an I know initially they would miss me but they would have a better life . They certainly wouldn't be hungry again .

I've self excluded from all casinos but seen a new one an joined like a pathetic idiot . I've now spoke to them an they've closed my account but it's too late now the damage is done

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 08:55

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

Also spoke to gamcare and nearest GA meetings an support is Liverpool an I can't get there . I've tried to look into gamblock filters an can't afford them too

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 09:21

XGamblerX

Joined:
2018-05-08

Ok.... u seriously need to calm down! (Sorry for calling you dude btw) your having what i call the gambling hangover! Its only money, It's gona blow over i promise!

Right, so your on the dmp ok, from the sounds of things you may need an IVA, contact stepchange straight away, explain your situation including how your in it, next you need to sit down with your husband and open the flood gates, you need to tell him everything, gambling and how your feeling about you wanting to end it all!

When i got my self together after the hangover i really felt selfish what i was gonna do, if you had the choice as a child even as an adult of money or your mother what would you choose seriously, i know the answer!

Your asking why you did it? well the answer is simply you have an addiction, an addiction which can be controlled with help and support! If u can't get to GA get to your GP, they will point you in the right direction, but first off tell your husband right away!

There's light at the end of the tunnel! Your family would feel alot worse than your feeling now if you done something stupid, seriously consider that! You and your husband will sort your finances maybe ask family for a loan or help during the month

Let the battle begin, you got this

Ps register for GAMSTOP!

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 09:37

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

I can't talk to him I seen him him crumble the last time . He told me then he couldn't go through it again. He's a good man an works hard he deserves better than me !
He had an affair and that was down to my addiction. I drove him to it he doesn't see the hold it has its simple to him I made a choice to deposit if I cared about them I wouldn't ! Stupidly lay in bed watching utubers winning loads an thought maybe I can help the finances by winning but as your all aware that doesn't happen and from trying to ease finances I'm now in dire straits . I've been awake all night trying for payday loans. Ect but nobody will touch me prob coz I'm with stepchange. As for family I don't have anyone anymore through this literally me, partner an kids .

Tomorrow is when it will surface when we need electric and gas when we need food shopping ect so today is a tough day for me maybe I will slip out later

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 10:01

XGamblerX

Joined:
2018-05-08

You CAN talk to him, you HAVE too!
Ok it's gona upset him but the milk is spilled already! After you have spoke the first step is took!

It ain't that HE deserves better, its that YOU deserve better! You deserve to be free from the demon inside, you deserve happiness just as your kids do, you've just a mountain in front of you atm but you can get over it!

Do you really want your kids telling there friends for the rest of there lifes they don't have a mom? Of course you don't! Cmon get your self together!

I was in the same place as you 50 day's ago and i made it through, if i can do it so can you

The roof's proberbly gona lift off but sit him down now and get it over with, time will bring calm!

Instead of making your next goal ending your life make it ending your gambling addiction and cleaning up the milk off the floor

You still have time

You still have your journey which ever way it go's

And you have gods biggest gift in life..... your babies! Do it for them you have the strength in you!

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 10:02

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

Sat looking at my kids knowing their world is about to turned upside down again , my heart is aching I can't face telling them yet again the person that is supposed to be their first them has let them down again thought of walking out but I can't live without seeing their faces so that only leaves one option left

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 10:30

XGamblerX

Joined:
2018-05-08

Yes it does!!

To beat your addiction just like the rest of us here

We can only make our own legacy, you still have time to make a difference to it!

Choose life and happiness will find you mark my words,

The mother in Africa finds strength for her babies, she has no materialistics, no supermarket to shop from, no fridge to store her food, no transport to ease the walk, yet she still looks to her baby everyday and smiles as eyes meet!

Think about it.

You have alot more than you realise, give your kids what they deserve it may take time but you'll get there one day at a time

God bless you.

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 10:48

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

Ty Hun so annoyed with myself why ????
It took so long building myself to up to here an then in a instant I'm bk where I started well worse coz now I'm not just broke ive let everyone down .

Hate myself so much prayin for a miracle

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 11:13

XGamblerX

Joined:
2018-05-08

Yr welcome :) its my pleasure

50 days ago i was feeling every single feeling your having now, i never thought they'd stop but they do, I've relapsed many times in the past and making sure i don't again is my cure for this destruction, the urges come but i just think of my kid's future and give it all to the battle!

find support its out there, book an appointment at the docs, tell him her everything! They will help you!

I wish you all the very best for the future, take care and hopefully that miracle will find you

Your babies need there mom,
Never forget that.

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 11:14

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

What a 20 minutes the cat is out the bag an he knows what's done, and his reaction was expected he's just walked out. He said I chose this over my family an he's right . He's coming bk at 6pm an I need to be ready to leave , my daughter looked at me with tears running down her face an asked 1 simple question mum why ? I'm officially broken right now

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 11:19

XGamblerX

Joined:
2018-05-08

BE STRONG!

Time will bring calm.

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 11:28

XGamblerX

Joined:
2018-05-08

You didn't choose this, your addiction got the better of you!
Now your urges arnt there you would choose to of not made the mistake!

Tail between your legs and convince him your gona get proffesional help, he needs to understand you have an addiction! And you need help!

Show that you want and are gona fix this

Yesterday was the end of your gambling life, its time now not be a gambler! Draw a line and start fresh, Your gona get through this, wipe the dust off the shoulders and shine on

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 11:30

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

Not a clue where I'll go I have nobody now just put what few items I have on selling pages to leave them with whatever money I can . Trying to write the kids a note but can't even see straight through the tears . Thinking all kids of crazy thoughts right now

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 11:36

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

No going bk he just text an said last time he lost any love for me this time he hates me !! He said I care about me an only me I said to him I'm trying to find somewhere to go an his reply was tough your gone today if u have somewhere or not . He said me an kids are not doing this again . Anyone reading this please get help earlier than I did don't lose everything for an HR s play it's really not worth it

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 11:42

XGamblerX

Joined:
2018-05-08

He's just very angry atm

Ride the storm

You'll get there!

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 11:46

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hello Sorrygorry,

Well done for reaching out for support here on the forum. 

Our forum members have encouraged you to use additional support too, as many of our forum members have combined using the forum with other services like their local NHS, or the Samaritans, or local foodbanks or local Shelter advice centres or other services according to their needs.

Please call us on our freephone 0808 8020 133 so that we can give you more support. 

Take care,

Forum admin.

 

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 15:06

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi sorrygorry, stop, take breath. Don't leave. Everything is manageable. Call all the numbers and talk to someone. My advice would be to get off the gadgets. If you can't afford online blocks call your internet provider. There is always a way to stop if you really want to. You have to fight the urges, admit you're beaten. Cancel cards, get rid of access to money. Anything! It is true gamblers love gambling more than anything else. It's a choice, you have to choose not to do it.

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 17:48

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

Thank you I will try but he's still adamant I gave to be out in 15 minutes . I don't know what to do X I understand it's all my fault can't even think straight . I've asked can I have till morning but he's said no

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 18:35

Nonchaser

Joined:
2016-11-25

From one mother to another Stand up and fight for your children, his rage will pass, money comes and goes as does debt companies cannot take what you do not have and your husband cannot kick you out as you are your children's guardians in a court of law. We all make mistakes, time does heal, together put steps in place. I wish you strength during this low period in your life X your kids need you even if you don't see it

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 20:10

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

He had watched me walk out an towards town with no idea where I'd go then text an said the kids are upset so I can stay in the dining room on condition I stay in there away from him tilli i have somewhere else an gave me a MTH maximum. He's in work tomorrow we'd Thur an Fri so he won't be in till late I've sold my laptop tablet an some other bits today for basic gas an electric just need to try an sell more now to cover rent .
I'm currently with a mental health nurse from the recovery team from when I was admitted last year so will ring her tomorrow.

The kids are looking at me with such hurt I thought I was at rock bottom last year but this is a while new level . I'm a evil horrible person people would kill to be in my shoes an I've just let it all go !!!

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 20:42

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

You're not evil or horrible. You're troubled. Get help, surrender to the addiction, it's beaten you.

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 21:56

wardal1979

Joined:
2016-11-27

When I self excluded I got given a code of virgingames2018 from them for a years free GamBan ... I don’t know if this will still work .... please try it xxxxxxx

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 22:08

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

Awe Ty will try it

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 22:15

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

Omg it works unbelievably grateful Ty so very much that's 3 devices for 12 mths only have my phone now but a huge start

Posted on:
Mon, 25/06/2018 - 07:05

wardal1979

Joined:
2016-11-27

Is there anyone else on here who could help Sorrygorry with another code to get her phone done too x

Posted on:
Mon, 25/06/2018 - 07:39

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

No I got it on my phone Hun XX Ty it gave me three devices but I only needed one device xx

Posted on:
Mon, 25/06/2018 - 08:28

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hope you're ok? Get your self some real help today. Be active in your recovery. 

Posted on:
Mon, 25/06/2018 - 09:45

cassie51

Joined:
2018-06-21

Hi Sorrygorry, your Husband is angry at the moment but like all anger it will subside. He feels you have let him down and is reacting to this. You say he has given you a Month to find somewhere. Why not use this Month to prove to him that this was really the last time. Show him the blocks you have in place, the counselling sessions etc. He may not want to know at first but you have a Month to work on this. Give over to him all cards, money, bank accounts, everything. Even if you have to cancel your bank account so everything goes into his. This may sound drastic but what you want is your Marriage and Family back and sometimes drastic is needed. As I say he may at the beginning not be interested, but you have this time to turn it around, and be humble. If he shouts, let him, he is hurting too. I do hope everything works out for you x

Posted on:
Mon, 25/06/2018 - 13:16

wardal1979

Joined:
2016-11-27

Ahh that’s good Sorrygorry.  I have found GamBan on my phone has helped me loads xxx keep your chin up hun xx

Posted on:
Tue, 26/06/2018 - 15:35

Sorrygorry

Joined:
2017-01-04

I know it's early days but all I'm getting is horrible names threw at me ! He's so hurt he's never gonna forgive me . Even walked up to me showing me a pic of a lady on a webpage saying she's definitely a swipe right coz she's fit !!

I know I've hurt him deeply but I love him so much an I've I've not only list him but our kids too

Posted on:
Tue, 26/06/2018 - 18:35

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi sorrygorry as the wife of a compulsive gambler I know that the best way is to get some help. Gambling damages you and those connected to you. I hope you tried to get help from gamcare and maybe go to a GA meeting. He's obviously very angry and wants to punish you but that doesn't help anyone.