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No holding back.

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#1 Posted on:
Fri, 13/04/2018 - 22:25

Stopexcuses

Joined:
2016-02-19

 

 

Hello diary,

 

 

I gambled tonight I walked into a bookies and lost £250 within 25 minutes, I won't ever forget the look on the 3 girls faces behind the counter when they saw me walk in, they were probably thinking why a young girl is in the bookies?... who knows?.  I had previously stopped for 6 days but prior to me gambling tonight I had an argument with my husband and I don't even know why it got out of control but I couldn't cope with my feelings.  I should never had had my bank card on me, I cut up my credit cards their maxed anyway but I've paid something toward them anyway.  I had good intentions and the best to stop believe me I want nothing more than to be gamble free and live a healthy life. The stark reality is I struggle to do that because I can't cope with my intense emotions.  I suffer from depression has this since I was 15  at at this time I saw my own alcoholic depressed mother take a break down.  I left school and walked out half through my highers, I lost friends and I lost myself and my mother made me homeless after a drunken fight on my birthday. Before I go ahead with my story I want to share my past childhood I have shared this before with a counsellor many years ago and I have tried to get help via CBT and doctors, antidepressants you name it but I'm still ****** up today.  My own parents got together young and divorced, don't remember much, I remember growing up and seeing my mother sad and on pills and a nightmare with the drink.  My mother met many different men and had babies to them. One man in particular was abusive to me verbally and psychically.  Needless to say my mother divorced this man too. I was sexually abused, drug raped and abused by people I trusted. Believe me when I say that I am not looking for sympathy or using this as a reason why I gamble and why I ****** up but as a result of those experiences and rejection and abuse I am probably emotionally all over place and I have shared this with a counsellor but I don't understand why I am still screwed. If you met me you would think I am come across stable and I hold down a professional job and that is how good I can cover it up but it comes out in ways at times and I use gambling to cover that up or stop me thinking about anything.  I am sad how I can be a survivor with all these experiences in my life and yet I can't live a normal life gambling free. Gambling has destroyed my life even though by life was bad before at least it wasn't on my intentions. 

I have wasted my life for over 17 years when I first gambled after a fami member died. I need to find the strength and courage inside myself and find a way to cope with real life instead of running away to the machines and using them as a form of control over my feelings. I am goingn to check in and be honest as much as I can and see if I can gain perspective and understand a way to live a better Way for myself and my family. 

Gambling is a big fat lie!! 

 

 

Posted on:
Sat, 14/04/2018 - 14:30

Stopexcuses

Joined:
2016-02-19

Day 2

Feel as If I have an emotional hangover and the guilt is awful. The guilt kills you inside doesn't it, I keep asking myself things what you going to make different about today? I can't stop thinking about my debt I suppose that is one trigger that makes me go back again and again. The thought of it makes me feel so bad.  Feel so alone as I have nobody to talk to about this and I know everyone says honesty is best policy but believe me I have done damage before and by being honest I made things a lot worst :( I am going to look I to counselling again but I feel frustrated because I have did counselling before and CBt and CBT was not helpful. I am always willing just could scream as wish could create a new mindset and I don't know how to do this its so so hard! Anyway moaning over at least today I haven't gambled thanks for listening diary 

Posted on:
Sat, 14/04/2018 - 16:51

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

Of course your awful childhood is your reason for gambling and I am so sorry for what you went through. It became your coping tool to deal with the ****. Unfortunately nobody can undo that and you have your whole life in front of you and I son who needs his mom.

You say you have tried everything and I am sorry but that is just an excuse. You are expecting GA, CBT , Counselling etc to fix you. They are not the fix... you are. When you truly surrender (when your life becomes unmanageable enough) you will make it work for you. You can't be a passenger in your recovery...you must be the driver.

This disease is incredibly progressive and will not lose it's hold on you without a lot of work on your part. And as you have discovered... Rock Bottom has a basement... things can and will still get worse.

Cathyx

 

Posted on:
Sun, 15/04/2018 - 13:57

Stopexcuses

Joined:
2016-02-19

 

Hi cathy

 

 

 

thank you so much for your reply it really resonated with me and made me think about things in a different way, you are right all my life I looked outwards instead of inwards to fix the problem. I am now fully aware that it is an inside job and it's up to me to come to terms and start to make amends to myself and others.  I am a grea mum that is own thing I have going for me but gambling takes away my head and my son needs me and needs me in recovery.  Day 3 of gambling and I feel at this moment really positive that I am going to do this now and one of my conditions is to log in every day and share my story and help others 

 

thanks again Cathy and wish you best in your recovery with son too xx

 

Posted on:
Mon, 16/04/2018 - 19:09

Stopexcuses

Joined:
2016-02-19

Day 3 of gambling free

 

 

feeling flat today but happy that I haven't gambled, last night driving home I was so tempted to go and gamble then I remembered my son and his face and his future. I told myself I am in control not my mind!!! So I drove straight on home relieved, hopefully each day will get easier and just remember there will be tough days ahead but when they do happen I will challenge it and not give in to gamble. Next week I get paid big test I want to pay a big chunk to my debt I currently have around £9500 so want to get it down to 8500 if I focus on paying it next week. It leaves me little to live off but I have been living off hardly anything after I gamble for years at least I'm making amends to my financial status this way and I will bring some relief.

 

take care and I'll check in soon

Posted on:
Mon, 16/04/2018 - 21:12

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Great start fresh hope

Posted on:
Mon, 16/04/2018 - 22:04

Stopexcuses

Joined:
2016-02-19

 

 

Thanks Adam!

Really trying and been reading motivational quotes and books and you tube anything to try and find strength not to give in to gambling and give one more penny to those money grabbing companies and get my life back!! 

Hope your doing well in yor recovery too take care