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Newbie - hello

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#1 Posted on:
Tue, 28/11/2017 - 05:54

JazzMax

Joined:
2017-11-27

Hi,

I've just joined. Last week I found out that my husband has a major addiction. He's gambled himself into £14k of debt (this time), unbeknown to me. We own a house which we've only recently bought and have been renovating because it was meant to be our dream, forever home. We have a 5 year old too. I am majorly struggling with the implications of all of this. I don't want her to have to move again (it was a whole relocation and school move recently) or lose the house but I work part time and don't know how to afford it on my own. If we sell it, I'll be in a worse position with what's left, having to move her into a much less desirable area, away from her school friends because that's all I'll probably be allowed to take out (mortgage wise). I can't sleep worrying about how to provide for her. Staying with my husband isn't an option, as I'll live in constant fear of him doing it again and risking our security. Not to mention the complete lack of trust - he'd opened secret accounts and email addresses and all sorts to hide this! Plus I'd suspected a problem a year or so ago and offered help and he just played it down and returned to gambling anyway. Sorry it's so long. Any advice for how to move forward? I feel so sad all of the time about what's possibly going to happen to my daughter's life

Posted on:
Tue, 28/11/2017 - 08:06

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi jazzmax! It's a shame to see you here and hear the turmoil you're in. I think you should call gamcare and ask for some advice. I go to gamanon meetings and advice is to wait 90 days. See what happens see if the gambler seeks help, see if things change, see how you feel. It's very raw, you're very angry, very worried. I felt like you, worse off if we parted, sold the house. So I found I had to take control. It's time to decide what you really want. If your main objective is to separate then you have to work out what has to change. We sometimes make rash decisions in the heat of the moment. If staying is not an option then have you not already put your guard up to hearing or seeing any other path? The main thing right now is to safeguard your money. 

Posted on:
Tue, 28/11/2017 - 08:41

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Morning,

Sorry to hear what’s happening, not a club that any of us want to join.

It’s a terrible shock and very difficult, echo advice to call GC and to prioritise regular GamAnon meetings. Coping with this situation is long term, there are no quick fixes.

Also prioritise financial protection for you. If you don’t have a current account in your name, open one and keep as much family money safe in it as you can. Don’t take on his debt, it’s his, not yours. Get credit reports from all three credit reference agencies in your name and his name (he needs to cooperate so beware if he won’t).

Re your marriage, only you can decide whether to go or stay but whatever you do, don’t bounce (ie go and then get back together five minutes later with lots of promises but with all issues still unresolved). It’s a major decision to be made in your own time and on a foundation of your strength and the best support and advice that you can get.

Houses can be rented and rented out, they don’t need to be bought and sold.

It’s not all about your daughter, although she is dependent on the decisions that you make. Your life is about you. Keep the focus on you and what you’re going to do to help yourself.

Look after you.

CW

Posted on:
Tue, 28/11/2017 - 10:59

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Hi

Sorry to see this. Sadly everything you have described is standard behaviour for a CG and all of us here have been on the receiving end of it. I would echo the advice not to rush into any decisions although there are things you must do immediately to prevent him draining any more. Once you've secured the household finances and seen the credit reports you will have a clearer idea of what has been going on and you also have time to take stock. Has he said he wants to give up? If he does there's a wealth of advice and support to help him do just that.

The gambling and lies don't need to be a deal breaker if that's not what you decide you want (you - not him) and it's absolutely fine not to trust even a recovering CG round money again. If they want a normal life free of gambling that's often part of the deal. I have just and just allowed Mr L potential access to a limited amount in savings but he's (as far as I can tell. We can never be 100% sure)  closing in on four years gf and it's in accounts I monitor near daily. The bulk remains in my sole name and always will.

Read up on the addiction and ways to protect yourself and put yourself and your daughter first in everything. Your husband got himself into the mess. It's up to him to figure out how to resolve it. Your job is to draw your lines in the sand and not to let him manipulate you into giving way on any of them.

Posted on:
Tue, 28/11/2017 - 18:27

JazzMax

Joined:
2017-11-27

Hello. Thanks for all of the comments. He has said he wants to stop and has had an initial telephone call with Beacon and has his first of 8 one-to-one counselling sessions with them next week. He said he'd stop before though (I know you all know this pattern) so I don't know what him saying that really means. Possibly not a lot! I've already started the process of self exclusion for him (didn't trust him to do it himself). He's also agreed to go to the doctor because I think the gambling is one problem within a host of MH issues. He's aged to give me log ins to his internet banking and for me to transfer what's left of our savings into my account. However, I've had log ins for his emails before and he opened a new one. I've checked his bank statements before and he opened a PayPal so things couldn't be traced as easily. Thanks for the advice about checking credit rating companies - this hadn't even occurred to me. Seeing his reaction to me suggesting this will be interesting. I've spoke to gamcare about advice for me and they've advised calling Beacon back for counselling for me too and to speak to CAB about the finances.