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A New Start, Same Journey

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#1 Posted on:
Fri, 11/10/2013 - 08:37

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

I have decided to start a new diary as the old one I think has run its course and I feel It’s time to start again, a new chapter.

I will start off by putting some things here that will be reminders of why I’m quitting and hopefully things that I can come on here and read during an urge and let that urge drift away as I remind myself that it just aint worth it!

I plan to take a second out and read through this opening post whenever an urge does strike and hopefully the words I put down here will help to make me resist that temptation.

A few thoughts to stop me gambling........

Remember when your mum was in hospital and while you were waiting for visiting hours you were in the bookies, losing of course and had to stay just so you could try and get some of it back. Ok I remember you got there on time but where were the flowers, chocolates and gifts you planned to take with you? No time/No money.

On my way to a stag due I popped in the bookies for a little gamble, just to get some drinking money. Ended up being an hour late with several missed calls from my mates wondering where I was.

Missed out on so many nights out - lost too much gambling so couldn’t possible go out and spend more. Money for gambling anytime anywhere but never for anything fun or important.

Never take my wife out for the same reasons. Can bet a £100 with ease but can’t take the mrs out for a meal. I promised her the best life I could give her - that promise is not being for-filled.

Again on the same lines my brother has a new tv now planning for the new xbox. I have an old school big bulky tv and a nintendo wii. I will get my brothers old xbox as I can not afford the new one - I have spent 6 new xboxs in the bookies this year tho.

If I stop gambling now it will take a long time to get my debt sorted, at least 5 years perhaps if I’m honest even longer. But if I stop gambling I know it will come down and in time I can go on nights out, I can take my wife out. I have always in the past found money for a bet I’m sure I can find money for a meal out or 2 with the wife.

I also must remember I may not have any spare cash in the months to come even tho I’ve stopped gambling but things are moving forward as debts are being paid of monthly so things are heading in the right direction, so in time I will start seeing some light at the end of this long tunnel.

This after all is the only way, gambling my way out of trouble has only ever put me in so much more trouble in many different ways not just financially. I also know if I lose anymore it could be over for me, it could well mean losing my wife and therefore losing my whole life.

Start being gamble free from now and I give myself a chance. I can see how things are in 3 months, 6 months, a year. I know for one thing I'll feel so much better for it. I can give my mrs the holiday she wants and deserves next year and I can finally start to sort my life out and point it back in the right direction.

My married life hasn’t exactly been as planned but I know that I love my wife and she loves me and if I can stop gambling now I still have a fighting chance at making amends and changing our future, giving her the things she wants and needs and when the time comes for littlins then I’ll be there for them also and I’ll be able to provide the things that they want and need. I can start to keep the promises I have made!!

One last thing to remember I have done this before. I have been 6 months gamble free. I can do this, I have proven that, I just need to do it and keep doing it, one day at a time and see the difference.

Just have to add this as it is a great poem put on here by blondie and is very helpful and oh so true...

Why We gambled.

We gambled for happiness and became unhappy.
We gambled for Joy and became miserable.
We gambled for sociability and became argumentative.
We gambled for friendship and became enemies.
We gambled for strength and felt weak
We gambled for relaxation and became nervous.
We gambled for bravery and became afraid.
We gambled to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.
We gambled to forget and were forever haunted.
We gambled for freedom and became slaves.
We gambled to forget our problems and saw them multiply.
We gambled to cope with life and invited death.

I will have some goals and treats along the way but I need to just slow things down a little and not worry too much about where I stand in regards to debt, days gamble free etc. I need to just live without gambling messing with my life. I will continue the count tho, I have decided to start from day one tho as it kinda makes sense as this is a new diary and I’m comfortable doing that now, I feel a bit of an old hand with this gamcare lark lol. The treats I mention will be small things celebrating different milestones, big and small, a reminder that what I’m doing has its rewards. I think I have learnt a lot and hopefully I can really turn my life around I wasn’t really ready before - I hadn’t screwed my life up totally so I still felt gambling offered a way out but I now know the truth, learnt the hard way but maybe that’s the only way you can learn.

So today is day one, the journey continues......

Posted on:
Fri, 11/10/2013 - 09:42

irene

Joined:
2012-11-12

Hi Dave

What a lovely read. You write beautifully and honestly. I can identify with so many of the feelings you express and also with your attitude to keeping focussed on changing.
Needless to say, I wish you well on this " new chapter" and look forward to following your progress.
Take care
Irene
x

Posted on:
Fri, 11/10/2013 - 11:45

Ricky25

Joined:
2009-08-23

Hiya Dave,

I enjoyed reading your first post to your new diary. I love that poem at the bottom and it just reminds me of GA how we are all living in this dream world and if we didn't have it then we would have nothing. But it helps to read what you have wrote. I think it is a good idea writing down the worse parts of the gambling days. Trust me I have a long list of things I have missed or the things I could have done instead of Gambling.

I don't want to live with regret and guilt for the rest of my life so I am trying to work on things that will better me my friends and do things to help others.

Also ye that is a brilliant idea with starting it on the 1st November. I will look out for it and you can definitely count me in for that, Also well done on the 6 months gamble free ye your right sometimes I do forget how tough this is trying to stop this addiction is the toughest thing in my life. I think the other part was admitting I had this addiction and coming clean telling someone. But I see the benefits of not gambling and imagine what would happen if I was still gambling I know it would have devestating results and that is one reason why I am not gambling.

Keep going mate and have a great weekend :)

Kind regards

Ricky

Posted on:
Sat, 12/10/2013 - 08:39

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Morning all. Thank you for those lovely posts. Day 2 of the new diary and I have no plans to mess it up with any gambling. I have a lovely 12 hour shift today but a day off tomorrow and I look forward to chilling out and posting about the new challenge thread. See you tomorrow.

Posted on:
Sun, 13/10/2013 - 13:01

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Day 3. Russell Howard stand up on the box, still in bed, now gonna start the new gambling thread, not a bet in sight. I love a sunday off.

Posted on:
Mon, 14/10/2013 - 20:12

hanzsolo

Joined:
2013-09-01

Hi Dave,

Thanks for starting the challenge. You are a great help to me and thanks for sharing your story. I'll be with you on your journey. It's already been said but you wrote beautifully...it's a pleasure to read and I'm looking forward to reading you gambling free again come Xmas and January. I wish you the best of luck and positive thoughts on your journey.

Onward and upwards
Hanz

Posted on:
Wed, 16/10/2013 - 15:35

Ex-gambler jeff

Joined:
2009-10-05

Hi Dave

Thanks for posting on my diary.Good to see you have started a new one yourself never give up giving up.Christmas is just around the corner m8.Now is a good time to be gamblefree.Stay strong all the best Jeff.

Posted on:
Wed, 16/10/2013 - 21:33

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Day 6. Not been on my diary much the last couple of days been trying to catch up with my fellow challengers on the new challenge thread - what a response - well happy with that. Plus a bit of man flu means I can't be bothered to stare at a screen for to long. So just to say all is well and I look forward to starting the thread and to a gamble free Christmas.

Posted on:
Thu, 17/10/2013 - 09:22

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Day 7. One week of the new diary already. Time does fly. Little better on the man flu front, had a good kip last night which seems to have helped. Now to posting on a few more diaries.

Posted on:
Fri, 18/10/2013 - 07:55

castle2

Joined:
2012-01-30

Morning Dave

Great opening post to ur new diary a great reminder of how gambling made u feel, thanks for doin the xmas thread that's goin to be a massive help to everyone, I know for me xmas is a real tough time so that extra focus will really help

For yourself though all this is doin wonders for ur recovery and that's what counts couldn't be happier for u

Castle2

Posted on:
Tue, 22/10/2013 - 08:58

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Day 12. Not a lot of posting. Been ill and then area managers been about twice last week keeping me busy. Now I'm on holiday this week - get in! No gambling for me. Hate it. I'm spending quite a few quid this week - week off doing a few things plus mrs birthday, got a party and a meal out etc so that's great but hard at the same time. Im also going to London with my bro on Sunday said yes but shouldn't have really - cant afford it and that's so annoying. I'm gonna go but it just made me think of gambling but in a good way as in I hate that I gambled so crazily and i am now not living a full life. I will get there tho. One day at a time.

Posted on:
Tue, 22/10/2013 - 09:07

leedsv

Joined:
2013-10-07

Dave, just to let you know reading your posts has been an inspiration, keep up the good work, what you have written has made lots of sense and i can see so many similarities.

Posted on:
Tue, 22/10/2013 - 18:14

paulds

Joined:
2012-01-13

Hi Dave,

Thanks for posting on my diary and good to see those days turn into weeks for you, let's get a good number of days under our belt again. The new thread you have set up is an excellent idea and just what a lot of people need.

Have a good time in London it hurts me even 6 months down the line to spend money and every purchase brings up a guilt trip - I think - I can't afford it because of all my past gambling.

What's done is done can't do anything about it now. Each day we don't gamble we save ourselves a shed load of money and that soon mounts up too.

Paulds

Posted on:
Sat, 26/10/2013 - 15:02

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Thanks for the post guys and gals. Day 16 for me and im relly looking forward to the start of the new thread, im enjoying my week off, next week I plan to start excersing again and making sure i keep this non gmbling lark going ive had enough of all this stress and financial panic. I just wanna fast forward to the day when lifes a little easier, one day at a time i'll get there.

Posted on:
Sun, 27/10/2013 - 07:19

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Day 17. I will not gamble today!!!!!!

Posted on:
Tue, 29/10/2013 - 18:58

D123

Joined:
2012-12-05

Dave

Wanted to say thanks for your kind and thoughtful words on my diary mate - much appreciated. Great to see you in a good space emotionally and looking to the future with a positive outlook.

One thing: do not wish your life away mate! It's always easy to be impatient - and want that 10 days to become 100 days, to become 500 days - whatever. Life is precious... not gambling gives us the headspace to realise this. Just keep moving on - one day at a time - and the good times will come.

And great work on the xmas challenge - I look forward to checking in this weekend.

Cheers
D123

Posted on:
Sat, 02/11/2013 - 06:14

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Day 23. Thanks for the posts will catch up soon. No gambling for me this week not posted a lot on here this week as work has been busy have been about tho sorting the new thread - that's gonna keep me very busy! Loving the response. Right better get sorted for work will have a good check through the thread tonight and have a little catch up.

Posted on:
Sat, 02/11/2013 - 08:34

castle2

Joined:
2012-01-30

Mornin Dave

Likewise iv been busy with work and not posted much this week but I don't think its a bad thing to av that break every now again its always hard finding the balance

Can't believe how well the xmas thread as taken off its goin to be the biggest success to date lets hope everyone can see it through it will be a massive achievement for everyone

Castle2

Posted on:
Sun, 03/11/2013 - 10:57

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Day 24. Just a quick drop in. I'm gonna have some time Monday night so I will have a bit of a post and have a proper check through the thread looks like a whole load of checks so that's great hopefully 100%.

Posted on:
Sun, 03/11/2013 - 11:08

Andagain

Joined:
2012-04-02

hi Dave
just want to say well done on getting to day 24, I'm back on here as its all gone wrong again
and I'm now on day 1 again :(
but I no one day at a time leads to months under our belts so I'm taking it step by step, wish you lots of luck on you're journey
Hollie xx

Posted on:
Mon, 04/11/2013 - 06:38

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Thanks Hollie. Day 25. I will not gamble. Got a busy day at work then tonight ill have a catch up on here and I recorded the darts final last night to watch tonight and then like a prat I went on facebook and ofcourse someone handout up the bloody scores. Oh well still watch it. Have a good day everyone.

Posted on:
Mon, 04/11/2013 - 18:19

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Thanks Sandra.

Just wanted to get a couple of thoughts down. Im still loving this site and love reading people succeeding on here and showing that it can be done. I also love to post my support and makes me feel good that im helping others, makes me feel that something good has come from me having this addiction. I defintely love the support and encouragement i get from all you guys, it really does help and i appreciate every post i get... but I am going to say I'm going to be a bit selfish from now on. I still would like to post to people now and again but i think im gonna cut back, i have already been doing less posting lately the reasons for this are that i work funny hours and the time off i do get i like to spend with my wife and when i do get a it of time to myself (like tonight) although i need to keep focused on my recovery i dont want all my own time to be taken up by doing loads of post, especially now with the new thread being so popular and trying to keep track of whos checked in and who hasnt. I need to just have time to relax, read my books, play my xbox (havent had a console for years but im getting my brothers old xbox 360 when he gets the xbox one and i cant wait lol). I just dont have the time to post like i have done in the past, that being said if i get a post on my diary i will be sure to reply back as thats something ive always tried to do and i think pretty much always do. I will still give my recovery the attention it deserves, posting on my own diary daily (or as regular as possible), i have a message on my phone that i read each day as a reminder to the dangers of slipping and also i read my opening post daily and ofcourse i will still keep up with the thread and moniture that each weekend/monday. Basically i feel a bit bad because you guys have helped me loads and i dont want to just stop posting to people as if i just dont care anymore, i just have to be honest and say from now on im gonna try and look after me. Havent read this back to myself so hope it makes sense and sounds ok. Im now going to head over to the thread and see if we have a 100% check-in, fingers crossed.

Posted on:
Tue, 05/11/2013 - 09:00

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Day 26 - I will not gamble today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted on:
Wed, 06/11/2013 - 06:10

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Day 27. Up already not good. Roll on tomorrow late start at work. Can't wait for a lie in. No gambling for me today. Why would I wanna do something silly like that!

Posted on:
Wed, 13/11/2013 - 08:46

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Dy 34. Been a week since I posted on my diary still been about the forum but I'm happy to take a break now and then. I think I'm finding the right balance. Things are going well on the gambling front and haven't had an urge for a little while which has been great. I hope this time I'm done with it. I know I can't gamble as if I do it'll have to be a big bet I know that a fiver or even a tenner on a 4/1 shot isn't gonna cut it it wotld have to be 20 min and even then whats the point what's a hundred gonna get me so I should have 200 on it well 250 so I win a grand and can pay of some debt wait the bets lost and I'm £250 down. I can't bet small, any gambling I do I now I would do In a way to clear some debt and I'm now in so much debt my bets would have to be large and I just can't afford to lose anymore big money. So in that very long winded piece I just can't gamble and I am determind to stick to that. Next year 2014 must be my first year bet free.

Posted on:
Thu, 14/11/2013 - 04:11

Carla

Joined:
Before 2009

Go Dave! Just popping by to say thanks for the encouragement and yes, I have to get the barriers for access to cash in place and that's causing me some grief but I'm not giving up. Read back on a couple of posts of yours and can see how the forum eats up so much time, esp with the organizing you're doing. Don't feel guilty about pulling back on posts. I will be forced to do the same in about a week when I return to my highly demanding job. Best to you (and no reply needed!) :)

Posted on:
Thu, 14/11/2013 - 11:45

Angel1985

Joined:
2013-10-24

Hi Dave, really like the start of your diary, and thanks for taking the time for the Christmas challange its great to have such supporting people on here to help and encourage others :) keep going

Posted on:
Thu, 14/11/2013 - 13:08

irene

Joined:
2012-11-12

HI Dave

I agree with your recent posts. I too am finding it hard to strike a balance between this forum and "real life". I'm happy to read that your decision to post less is working for you. Its a massive commitment to keep up all on track with the festive challenge- thanks for taking the time to do this.

Your are doing great :-)
take care
Irene
x

Posted on:
Sat, 16/11/2013 - 06:33

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Hello there. Thank you all for your lovely posts they really do mean alot to me and Im truly grateful for the support I do recieve on here. Gambling wise things are good and I'm beginning to think I may have "cracked it". Lets hope so, must keep my guard up ofcourse but I think I've finally had enough of bloody gambling. Life in general could be better, debts are driving me insane and I just keep thinking life is bloody hard! But I suppose I made it that way. It will get better but god knows when. Atleast I'm not gambling just need to knuckle down and wait it out. When I think how quick this year and past years have gone by I have to realise aslong as I stop gambling and stay stopped this time then before I know it it'll be a few years down the line and that bright light well be much clearer at the end of what will be one long tunnel. Got my sat nav I'm heading in the right direction.

Posted on:
Sat, 16/11/2013 - 20:02

pinksparkle

Joined:
2010-02-14

Hi Dave, my debts are always are my mind, especially as I have no job at the moment. I can't wait to start earning again and paying them off. Hope you have a fab weekend x

Posted on:
Wed, 20/11/2013 - 10:02

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Thanks ladies as ever your posts are helpful and appreciated.

I've decided not to bother counting as my last couple of posts have probably shown. It's just I'm not posting daily anymore. I'm still excluded from the bookies and I'm still reading my opening post and keeping an eye on the thread. Just stepping back from posting.

My first goal is to get to the end of the year gamble free. I need the perfect start to 2014 - a year I hope will change my life.

My next goal is to see out the thread and get to the 31st of jan. That's a 3 month challenge and would be amazing to complete.

Then it's about getting to June/July the 6 month mark. Now really I'll already be over 6 months by then but in my mind I'll be starting a fresh in the new year and am really determined to make it my first gamble free year. When I think about it my dad would have a bet on the national for me each year as a kid or do a sweepstake so my last bet free year was probably when I was 7 or 8! But I've been gambling "seriously" since I was 16, it's just got progressively worse. But that ship has sailed it's only getting better now.

I'm feeling good, I'm confident of getting to the new year and completing the thread (but not taking anything for granted). The big challenge will be Cheltenham. But I won't speak of the c word it's still along way off.

Good luck all. Be strong and keep at it. I started on this site 3 years ago and if I'd have just listened to the people on here I'd be 3 years gamble free and would've been debt free 2 years ago. I'm not gonna go into how long it's now gonna take me to get debt free but oh how I wish I'd have listened. Keep your ears open this site is full of wonderful people with even more wonderful advice.

Take care all.

Posted on:
Thu, 21/11/2013 - 17:45

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Another day another dollar. Had enough of all this work lark. I'm ready for retirement. At 27 tho it may be a bit early. No gambling to report. I've had enough of all that. Same again tomorrow. Just thought, it's Friday tomorrow - another check in, they do come round fast!

Posted on:
Thu, 21/11/2013 - 18:16

Frozen

Joined:
2010-11-22

Keep it up Dave your Flying not writing a whole pile myself but reading abit and going to GA meetings.

Posted on:
Tue, 10/12/2013 - 17:28

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Hello gamcare. Been a little while. I used to post everyday and now I'm barely posting but it seems to be working for me. I think I've just had enough of it all - finally. Even tho I no longer post regularly if you are reading this and your new to the site I would say post, post and post some more. It really does help and makes you feel part of the site which does feel great and helps a lot. I've been here to long really but I'm glad I'm still fighting and not just throwing in the towel. Life is hard, life is to hard. I'm a bit down at the mo, not depressed just really fed up. The pain of the old ways still haunt me and will do for a long while yet. Life is a continuing struggle but that is my fault if I hadn't been blowing money like a millionaire I'd be living and enjoying my life right now. It was always gonna be a struggle and the deeper the whole you dig the longer it'll take to get out off. I've got a few years until I escape but it's either struggle for a few years and then truly live the rest of my life or I give in, start gambling and lose everything and dig such a whole I can no longer get out. So the fight is ongoing and it is tough but I know it'll be worth it. I'm trying to show how I'm feeling but at the same time show a bit of positive thinking aswell. I will get there. We all will. Never give up. Keep strong and wait for that day when it all turns round. I can't wait to get to that day. And I will get there!!

Posted on:
Tue, 10/12/2013 - 18:15

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Dave
Fella firstly I would like to again congratulate you on the xmas thread, I think it is again an amazing success and a worthy thread on the forum.
As for your feelings regarding your recovery and the use of the forum, my friend I remind you that this journey in my mind to work has to bespoke, tailored to what works for you.
All I would say is please read the post MILKMAN left upon my diary on page 448. I wish myself I had paid greater heed to it.

Regards Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Tue, 10/12/2013 - 18:21

hanzsolo

Joined:
2013-09-01

Dave,

Just wanted to say I use you as a massive Inspiration. Thank you for the Xmas thread. Keep going strong.

Hanz

Posted on:
Sun, 22/12/2013 - 21:11

castle2

Joined:
2012-01-30

Hi Dave

Thanks for all the threads this year they have helped me so much, have a great xmas and new year, thanks for all your support throughout the year

Castle2

Posted on:
Tue, 24/12/2013 - 14:08

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Merry Christmas gamcarers. Thanks for the lovely posts hanzolo, castle and Sandra. I love this site it's helped me through a really tough few years and gives me the strength to look at the tough years ahead but with a smile knowing I'm doing the right thing. I wish everyone here a merry Christmas some will know they've helped me others help me without even knowing it but I thank you all, have a great Christmas and make 2014 the best year ever!!!!!

Posted on:
Tue, 24/12/2013 - 16:08

Frozen

Joined:
2010-11-22

Happy Xmas Dave and have a gamble free new year

Posted on:
Fri, 27/12/2013 - 10:30

irene

Joined:
2012-11-12

Morning Dave
Just popped along to wish you a very Happy New Year and to thank you for hosting the recent "check-in" threads.

Take Care
Irene
x

Posted on:
Mon, 30/12/2013 - 10:13

paulds

Joined:
2012-01-13

Hi Dave,

Hope you are Ok and just wanted to pop by to say happy Christmas and wish you a peaceful New Year.

Our diaries including your old one are almost 2 years old! what a journey so far, day by day we can do this mate

take care

paulds

Posted on:
Mon, 30/12/2013 - 10:36

FEB 2013

Joined:
2013-02-01

Hi Dave

Just wanted to wish you all the very best for the New Year ahead and thank you for setting up the challenge threads. They really do help.

Thanks again and take care and stay strong.

Feb.

Posted on:
Fri, 10/01/2014 - 15:15

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Hello Diary - Been a while. Ive been neglecting my diary, neglecting my wife, myself, my work, everything. I have snapped myself back a little and have made some positive steps which i'll mention later but i need to get on here how i was feeling, i wish i had done this when i was down as it wouldve been more real but i need to get this down as a reminder of what ive been through on this journey. Its really been the last few months where ive just started caring less about things, debts are only getting worse yet i seem to be working harder than ever. My life is work go home sleep, work go home sleep. Barely see my wife, very, very rarely see friends and family. My own fault, we have no money becuase of my gambling (not all our debt is gambling related but the majority is) I felt like i didnt deserve anything so i've been using any spare money to pay off debt ive been doing that for the last 2 yeaars really, i think thats what has lead to my slips and certainly to my 2 major slips, i just couldnt handle all the stress and money worries and working so much and having nothing to show for it. This time tho i didnt slip back to gambling as i knew that was not the answer but i didnt get any help or try to look at what was going on and could i maybe help the situation. I just got depressed, i do use that term loosely as i havent been to the docs or anything - almost did but I have to be on my death bed before i go to the docs and i just didnt want to really go there and say oh im depressed give me some pills i wanted to try to sort myself out. (I will say i did make the decision to go to the docs and inquire about wether some sort of meds or treatment may help as i was very low but im feeling a bit more positive now so dont think i need to - think i was just really feeling sorry for myself a bit to much). I started to really hate my life and i will say this here as i havent said it to anyone else but i have realised that talking and sharing really does help (thats why im now feeling alot better i spoke to a friend of mine in depth about everything and that really helped) also before i say want im going to say im not saying this for attention and i would never actually do this and never have tried as i would hate to leave my wife and family in all this mess but i have thought about killing myself, infact ive thought about it everyday for quite a while now. As ive said I never would do it but just keept thinking how great would it be if i just cut my throat, no more stress, no more debt, no more worries, my head finally clear. Me and my wife rowed one morning before i went to work and when i got back i just told her i said im sorry but i just have to be honest at the minute im just miserable and i hate my life. I said i still love her and i know that im luckier than most with the life i do have and some of the things i have got but thats just how i feel. She didnt really know what to say to that but i'll just say we are ok now.

Thats really when i knew i needed to sort myself out, telling your wife you hate your life when she's done nothing wrong is bloody wrong. It made me think well do i want to be married anymore or do i want to just chuck everything away, my wife, where i live, just go and lose it all, probably end up in some bedsit alone somewhere and start gambling all over again. I didnt want that, i know i love my wife, i have a good family and good friends. I rent a nice house and have a job i like, I AM BLOODY LUCKY!! Ok i dont exactly feel very lucky right now but it could be a whole lot worse and my debts are sky high but they could be worse to and more importantly there is a way out. Ive not seen the light at the end of the tunnell for a while but i know it is there. If i stand up and face my problems and dont hide away i can make the right decisions, get a plan together and sort my life out, yes its a bit of a struggle of course it is and its only right that it is a struggle but the years go fast and i'll soon be before i know it in a cracking position. If i stay off gambling the debts will eventually disappear and then hello disposible income! lol. The chat i had with my friend really helped me see the dark path i was walking on and he helped me snap out of it, gave me some suggestions and the biggest one which i hope i can follow is keep a bit back for us - me and the mrs. Dont use all my moeny to pay off debt, if not i will be working for nothing again and it'll only lead to another gambling relapse and another low in my mental well being. So i wont keep back a lot but it would be so nice to take my wife for a meal or see a film now and again. I didnt really realise that it has probably been a couple of years since weve seen a film at the cinema and im not sure if ive took out my wife for a meal since weve been married other than special occassions, certainly not enough times anyway. So i will be trying to budget better now and i have to get a plan of attack in place, i have made a couple of moves already, moving some finances about and making payment plans. Which is why im starting to feel a bit more upbeat. Ive got some things off my chest and made some positive moves. The decisions ive made aswell will give me a clearer idea of when i can probably get the debt paid off. As im finally looking at things like an adult and facing my responsibillities. I just need to keep it that way. Ive said 2014 could be a big year for me and it could well be a great one.

I have a few goals for the new year, one is to be gamble free for the whole year, no more messing about with this, I've said it before sure but i can only try and each time i try a little harder and sooner or later i will get there, this could be the year, i certainly hope so and will be giving it my all. Ive already started but i need to sort my finances. I plan to have a real look into them and budget accordingly. I dont want to borrow any money this year my debts are going one way - down. I will set up standing orders, direct debits etc and will make sure i can survive with the plan i put into place. I have a night off tomrrow and my wifes at work so i hope to make use of the time and look at bank statements and really get into what comes in and what goes out. I think i need to use this diary more, im not saying im going to be back posting like i have done in the past, im still probably gonna take a step back but i will, for now try to make it on here daily. To help with that i shall do a daily count once more, during my successful periods of abstinence its almost always had a running count being kepted along the way, so why not go back to what works for me. When i said tho i need to use my diary its for posts like this. I may end up taking a step away as i have done of late not posting all that much which has sorta worked as im not gambling but havent exactly been enjoying that time but what i need to rememeber is that this diary is here for those times when i am down, when i am low to get some of the stuff out and dont end up bottle everything up, i dont like sharing with friends and certainly not with my wife or family as one its my fault and i want to sort it and two i dont want them to be worrying aswell. So if i get it out on here that will help, its helped in the past and i have to remeber what a great tool this is.

Now that my fingers are getting tired, i thank you gamcare for giving me this outlet, i wont forget that you are here next time things get rough. Thank you for listening.

So to finish (finally!) its the tenth today, will start the count from the first, new year, my first one gamble free!!! So Day 10. Lets get this show BACK on the road.

Posted on:
Sat, 11/01/2014 - 17:34

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Day 11. Just signed up to the year long thread. I hope I am ready for it - all I can do is try.

Thanks for the message Sandra. I do feel a lot better now I'm making some correct steps. Thank you aswell for the womanly advice and although I haven't done anything this evening to be honest I certainly agree with you I need to do something a little spontaneous and surprise her. I will sort something soon.

Posted on:
Sun, 12/01/2014 - 07:40

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Day 12. Work on a Sunday should be made illegal!! Day off tomorrow can't wait!

Posted on:
Sun, 12/01/2014 - 08:02

S.A

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi dave... a very open and honest post mate.... Talking does help doesn't it. Am gonna have a chat with my mate later. I haven't spoken to anyone since I left work on Friday. It may just be chit chat but it all helps to shift the mood to something more positive I think. Its easy to get stuck in low mood and self-destructive thinking. I know that one only too well.

Only pay what you need to pay with the debts Dave. You say it yourself.. working and sleeping ain't no life. Maybe the other thing is just to spend "time" with your wife and friends etc. It doesn't have to be doing stuff that costs money. Its just being around each other and enjoying the company. I sense that you feel overly guilty about the past and I know when I feel like that.. it gets me wanting to "do" things for others rather than just relax and be myself. Not sure if that makes sense but am sure you get the idea.

Thoughts are with you mate. Enjoy your day off tomorrow. Your life is ok it really is, its just the money thing... as long as the debts are going down however slowly.. that's all that matters. Regards... S.A

Posted on:
Tue, 14/01/2014 - 10:07

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Day 14 pretty much half way through the first month crazy how time flys. I'm off for pretty much 2 weeks from Sunday so it'll be a month gone when I get back to work - soon be Christmas!! Not doing much on me hols but really can't wait for a break. Think I need it and it'll be nice to have some quality time with my wife - as you have said SA and I do get what your saying I plan to have some quality time with her, will be seeing family and friends but will have plenty of time just the 2 of us hopefully just being us chilling together having fun like we have in the past.

Posted on:
Fri, 17/01/2014 - 19:35

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

So it's now day 17 but gonna have to add some brackets in. Day 17 (£7 spent on gambling). I'm not going to start the count again as although when I done the bet later on I felt awful and I felt really bad today (I bet yesterday) I now feel good that I feel so terrible and am so gutted about that bet even tho it's only £7, to me it shows I've come along way. I know that I really want this. Yes I've slipped but I know now that any bet however big or small makes me feel terrible and it just isn't worth feeling this way.

So to describe what happened I got a text from my bro-in-law asking me to put a £3 bet on and as I'm self excluded from all bookies (a fact that he doesn't know) I thought of how could I do it - I should've got a friend to put it on for me or just said I couldn't do it - but what I did was try a few of my online accounts - I'm excluded from loads and any that have ran out would have limits on as I did limits and self exclusions but I found a site that I wasn't excluded from and had a £10 deposit limit on it. Now you can't just deposit £3 and this site had a £10 minimum deposit so I deposited my £10 and I already joked with him that I should have a quid on with him (the bet was £1 for him and a £1 for 2 of his mates so me having a £1 on it was us all having a quid on it) so I put £4 on the bet and that left £6 and with my gambling head on I thought why withdraw that £6 (they're maybe a minimum withdrawal aswell I'm not sure) but anyway I chucked that £6 on some golf bets. And all those gambling juices were now flowing. It was so wierd it was like I was back and my head was now clouded and I could feel myself changing and I regretted it and later on in the day I felt awful. I had given up the chance to have a gamble free calander year and I'm now going to be removed from the year long thread and I just felt so empty. I'm gutted I did it and this morning I looked at basketball odds even tho I was regretting it I couldn't help it and if it wasnt for my self exclusions and the fact that I had no way of getting a bet on I think I may have had another bet and it would've been a lot more than £6!! It just goes to show that however much you want this that if you show any weakness it'll pounce on you. I'm just lucky I had those exclusions in place and I didn't go out of my way to get that bet on. I feel that, that £7 has taught me a great lesson even tho I should have already learnt it by now. But I'm glad that i feel so bad about it and I'm glad I have been honest on here and not just tried to hide it. If I'm not honest on here what's the point, it would mean I could spend some more and lie about that to, no, honesty is the way.

So what next. I keep going, keep trying and if I say day 365 (£7 spent) then that'll do me. It's gonna be a tough year. Will see how it goes, I'm not puting to much pressure on myself. I have never had a bet free Cheltenham and I have been giving up gambling for probably 5 years yet I have never got through those 4 days, so that's gonna be a massive hurdle and would be a massive achievement if I could stay gamble free beyond march. Time will tell. One day at a time.

Posted on:
Sat, 18/01/2014 - 03:23

FEB 2013

Joined:
2013-02-01

Hey Dave

Feeling terrible about something is not always a bad thing!! Especially when it comes to feeling terrible about gambling!! You are definitely moving forward and the most important thing is that you are learning more and more that you no longer wish to go down the gambling road.

I learnt such a valuable lesson when I gambled for those few hours (I am gamble free one year today)!! I learnt what my triggers were but more importantly, how to deal with those triggers in the future.

Around Christmas time, I had such strong urges when I got paid (which was always one of my triggers) but I just kept reminding myself that the urge would eventually go away and more importantly, I just did not want to go down that road ever again.

Keep on keeping on Dave and never give up giving up.

Take care.

Feb.

Posted on:
Mon, 20/01/2014 - 10:28

Family121016

Joined:
2011-10-04

Thank you Sandra and feb. Day 20 feeling good I realised I haven't mention I'm on holiday from today got just over a week - well nearly 2!! I'm back next Saturday. Had a few odd days to take also. Looking forward to just chilling. Gonna see some friends and family along the way aswell which will be good. It's just gonna be nice to have a decent break from work. This month has been busy so could use the break. Prrfect timing aswell with me slipping. I did have a few urges over the weekend but now I have nearly 2 weeks with the wife knowing that I can't gamble so it should be out of my system by the time I'm back to work.

(20 days of 2014 £7 spent gambling see page 13)

Posted on:
Mon, 20/01/2014 - 12:58

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Dave
The secret of your addiction caught up with you fella, I am gutted for you that you found yourself again formulating and am in the same breathe glad to read that your blocks helped to keep the damage to a minimum.
Have you self excluded from those remaining sites??
If you are not going to tell your brother in law this scratch my become an itch again.

It is not about the losses,for me I established long ago it is the emotional damage waged that leaves a scar on the memory, I still can't believe I gifted my recovery back to addiction back in october, **** I would be 3 days from two years gamble free.
Fact is I did and today is day 81 in my continuous recovery, it is a harsh lesson to go back to day one, but an honest one, one I wont be taking lightly, I will not gift my recovery back to addiction so easily again.
I hope you enjoy your well earnt break.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

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