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#1 Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 17:14

James_82

Joined:
2017-10-31

Hello I'm 35 year old and had a pretty heavy 3months I've gambled and got pay day loans to cover the gambling. Now I'm at rock bottom. I've got to tell my wife tonight about the situation and got a 5 year old daughter. I'll be devastated if I lose them but have done this to myself. I'm at a position where I'm probably going have to do DMP. Is going to be a rough night and the outcome of telling her may finish us I was in bits last night talking to a gamcare adviser of the route the gambling has taken me. I won't blame my wife for saying she can't go on just don't want it to happen

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 17:30

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi James, honesty is the best way. Hand over your finances, show her you mean what you say. Go to GA too. It all helps, I wish you luck!

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 17:41

James_82

Joined:
2017-10-31

Yes I have to be honest. I need to face up to it and hope she will support me. If not I feel guilty as I've done this to us. Very depressed yesterday bit more clear today tell her and hope she can forgive. Thanks

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 18:16

Wonkydoodle

Joined:
2017-10-31

Hi James I'm more or less on same boat I got myself into colossal debt and took loans out etc. I couldn't even afford to help pay for my wedding I was that bad it made me feel like **** and rightfully so. I just can't stop and hopefully this site can help. I broke down and told wife and I'm very lucky she didn't leave. Honesty is always best. Good luck pal hope we both kick this disease

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 18:25

James_82

Joined:
2017-10-31

Yes I feel with Christmas coming up and bills having to be paid that this may be push too far. I don't blame her. I won't be telling her until my daughter is in bed so going to be a hard night. Yes fella left with nothing at the moment and need to plan forward. I was describing it to the gamcare adviser on the phone last night I almost feel when I'm gambling a out of body experience like I'm watching over and can't control what's happening. It's a nice place to be at the time but leaves you with dread and fear afterwards. Yes let's keep moving up!

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 18:29

Joydivider

Joined:
2015-03-11

Hi James 82.

I have thought about this aspect a lot over two years and if you love her you need to tell her for the good of you both. It is a strong addiction and form of mind control. If you dont get help you would have reached new lows and taken your family on that ride downwards.

You need to understand that of course your family will have thoughts of protecting themselves and crucial finances. You cant blame them for that. Ive been a gambler but I wouldnt live with an active compulsive gambler as there would be no stability. If you tell them in the right way that you need help and will hand over your cards and wages. My advice is that you owe them the truth.

If you are ready to stop its like a born again moment. You will now start to realise what is important

Secrets are no good for you or your family and its crucial that you now get all the help on offer. If you do the right things you can build your relationship again.

What is the alternative as they will find out anyway. Are you going to ride the secrets and stress yourself which will just eat you up and in turn will deeply affect your family.

So this means being ready to stop and being ready to hand over control of your income. Are you ready for that?

Being gamble free is a wonderful feeling. You are still with us and you can get your life back

Best wishes from everyone on the forum 

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 18:39

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

I understand the situation. I have started a DMP. Failed the first payment as I gambled it away. I dealt with StepChange and I told them what had happened and they were non judgemental and extreamly helpful. I couldn't of asked anymore.

I too had payday loans from gambling. Stupidly thought I'd win big and pay them off. We know that deep down it doesn't happen.

I'm sure your wife will appreciate your honesty. It will feel like a huge weight been lifted. 

As I said, couldn't recommend StepChange enough. They will work out a budget to ensure you have enough money to live on and take the pressure off. 

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 18:42

James_82

Joined:
2017-10-31

I've got a loan from Tesco ready to sign that will take if not all most of the current situation away. Haven't signed it yet (going to ask her if we should or should I go the DMP route) as feel more debt may not help. It may not pass a they will do final checks and see pay day loans pop up. Yes I do love her and that's why I'm telling her tonight and not just signing the loan to sweep it away. I've not been a active gambler constantly and never gone to the depths that I have recently. Speaking with the gamcare adviser he asked about what had changed recently and the most recent and impact on me mentally is my wife and I had a stillborn 2 years ago. Her birthday would have been the 14th October it's just before this the spiraling of gambling started but I want halt it before it gets worse.

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 18:45

James_82

Joined:
2017-10-31

When I say depths as have now that is I used to go to casinos as a 18 year old at get a bit wild eyed but didn't have the issue of payday loans back then

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 18:56

sjwsjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Welcome to the forum James, most people find these forums when at rock bottom.

Take the right steps and you can beat this, you have to accept you alone are powerless to stop this. You will need other people to support you through this. You will need to have some painful talking sessions with people and you will need to step back and be open and honest, something us gamblers tend to shy away from when in the gambling circle.

Honestly telling people and getting in the open as horrible as it seems and can be it really does release a massive amount of pressure we feel under. Handing over your finances was also a BIG one for me. At this moment in time i have a very messed up and poor regard for money, i can't trust myself to look after it and not having to means i can focus i what i can do to stop.

Take all the help you need/can get and focus on the day in hand.

Good luck mate, keep your head up you can get through this.

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 19:12

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

 

 

James_82 wrote:
I've got a loan from Tesco ready to sign that will take if not all most of the current situation away. Haven't signed it yet (going to ask her if we should or should I go the DMP route) as feel more debt may not help. It may not pass a they will do final checks and see pay day loans pop up. Yes I do love her and that's why I'm telling her tonight and not just signing the loan to sweep it away. I've not been a active gambler constantly and never gone to the depths that I have recently. Speaking with the gamcare adviser he asked about what had changed recently and the most recent and impact on me mentally is my wife and I had a stillborn 2 years ago. Her birthday would have been the 14th October it's just before this the spiraling of gambling started but I want halt it before it gets worse.

Really sorry to hear that James. Must be tough for you both. Often find stress, pressure, a life changing cicumstance and depression can make us more suspectable to gambling. It's an escape from reality.

If the Tescos loan will sort everything out that will be great. Just make sure that you are able to afford the repayments and don't take any further credit after. I was stupid and got a loan, took care of finance, then took out more hence my position now. 

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 19:33

James_82

Joined:
2017-10-31

That's why I want to tell her before sign it hopefully get rid of current mess. Then hand over finance so I can't just start the cycle again. Though I may have messed that up as getting the payday loan before hand and they do the final checks. Yes the escape from reality is right I done mine on betway and they got that live option now which is a hook in itself. so how is everyone else doing

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 21:22

James_82

Joined:
2017-10-31

Hello I've told my wife she's asked me to give her space but less shouting than I expected. We spoke about finance's and she wants control. I showed her the full extent of my gambling and she has gone to bed to process it. She wants me to go to the GP

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 21:30

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Well done James, she's probably right. It won't hurt to get any help you can. She's probably in shock. Tell her she can get support through gamcare too.

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 21:45

Shaun123

Joined:
2017-10-30

 Hi James, I am in the same boat. I haven’t had the balls to tell my missus yet. I know it will ruin us. I too feel the like a void when playing and only come to my senses when it’s too late. I’ve joined here and although it has only been a day since I last had a gamble I have been on her every time i had the urge and read people’s comments and it really helped

 

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 01:48

J heaven

Joined:
2017-10-28

whatever you do save the relationship!!  thats whats real here,relate counselling they will look at what you can afford to pay for appt,

you got each other please don't let these debts destroy you and your relationship. my year with my dear man was a fairytale and now all gone will he be ever back? i cant even help him. he says he come back, ask me to marry him. wants me to be proud of him.will that ever happen , belief and prayer,

I have 30k minus and still run a car on finance and pay credit cards minimum payments, Phoned today barclaycard gave me extra 30 days to support me no interest. do you have a home to pay?

horse racing fixed horses doped with oranges with drugs and corrupted sport, how much more do we want to take from these befreds and good old ***** and the great jockeys the great trainers and their hidden secrets lies.

please don't see debts with fear, look at them with strength.I was told today 1000 owe them  to barclaycard, the advisor in india you managed your account maturly and shows your strength and you done well, a good caring company tescos as well.

please dont touch debenhams santander, if i get my finance straight or my situation improves ie another job their interest up to 39.9 percent they dont give you a chance,marbels aqua payday no no no

please watch gp ,communication rest. no rash decisions. think think before you do anything. it might be the worst decision of your life, make sure you are carefully with information sharing these finance companies banks they are not your friend, no pay day loan get over to a interest free card before that gets taken from you , i wasnt able to get an interest free card, it was impossiable.

please hold each other hand and know the day you meet was the best day of your life and i wish it was mine now to be in your position. im in  your fiancee place and i understand what pushes a gambler stress; no control; self estemn, your a good person, we make mistakes and look at you today proud you told her, take your life back in your own hands,

what you can afford - agree direct with banks do not go on these plans your decision. just gives you no freedom ; always keep credit open, nothing ever permanent every second our lives our changing, needs and wants, gratitude for what you have. i lost my partner and don't know how he is doing.

I run a   business small one with low earnings banks cant push you if you keeping up a agreed amount you can afford stand up for yourself here dont believe when they say they can't do anything and send you to stepschange, it is a unsecured debt they have to help you but survive. I am a partner of a gambler but to this day i suppported him with debt so why not support with gambling debt both a debt just different ways they became a debt,i supported his gambling he seen my money and took from me but i know deep in my heart what we had was real six months after he took and pushed me for money.

he felt guilt and shame and then tried to help me through this beast as he call it, a illness he would not wish on anyone. we were the best together life for one year i wouldn't change a single thing about it. i wish he was here today.

Heaven.x

please print this tell your wife about the loss of your child how it has affected you, my partner had to get help as to many mental health tablets from gp diazepam killer drugs.  just masks the symptoms,do self estemn things together walking, a ball for charity a evening a church service ooh i wish i could do these again.

money debt i lived with it through divorce credit rating they just suck, 925 out of 999 good yep but no it just number i was over borrowed but of course i was paying everything so of course looks good, bankrupty my option now three years with a life but anything over 20,00 you earn after your living expenses goes to the bankrupty, no finance not a bad thing ,no credit rental agreements houses twelve months free any advice from someone i have a small business i can still keep .

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 11:05

James_82

Joined:
2017-10-31

Taken some positive steps today regarding debts and looking forward. Looked at the betway website to check if closed down after calling them a message came up contact us to reinstate. Wanted to but resisted it not that I got much money to put down! I keep telling myself put a £10 down what does it matter but I know not long after it will be £50 then £100. Keeping the faith and moving forward

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 11:15

James_82

Joined:
2017-10-31

Thanks for your comments j heaven

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 11:38

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

How are you doing now James? 

Thought I would just check in and see ?