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A New Beginning

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#1 Posted on:
Sat, 10/02/2018 - 21:59

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Hi, My name is Pras and I am a compulsive gambler. My first bet was in 2007 and my last bet was on 28th January 2018 - 2 weeks ago. I've lost a lot of money over the last decade chasing losses, lied to family and friends to borrow money, stole from my parents and my girlfriend. Caused a lot of pain to my loved ones and I'm extremely ashamed of myself. I want to put this all behind me and do not want to gamble in any shape or form ever again. I thank my lucky stars that my girlfriend is still with me after the damage I've caused and extremely grateful that she's helping me tackle this horrible illness. 

I have self excluded myself from online gambling sites for at least 5 years - pity that they don't do permanent exclusion. Broadband provider has blocked access to all gambling sites and the account is under the girlfriend's name. We both have installed gamban app on our android phones so I have absolutely no chance to gamble on my phone or laptop. This is a massive step towards my recovery because I lost myself in the world of online roulette. It all started with roulette machines in bookies but since I discovered online roulette and how easy it was to deposit and withdraw money without worrying to cash out every 10 minutes, I never looked back. On top of that I didn't like people looking over my shoulders while I was trying to concentrate on my numbers, patterns, whatever. Online gambling gave me the peace that I wanted. It was all me, my laptop and the roulette wheel. I got hooked pretty bad. I'd gamble at every opportunity. I'd even gamble whilst sat in the loo. Sometimes, I'd gamble all night, sleep less than an hour and go to work in the morning. 

Now, I want to defeat the demon inside me and kill this horrible illness for good. I just completed 14 days without betting and it feels better knowing that I can turn this around, this can be achievable. Of course, it's still early days but I'm taking one day at a time. I have no access to money anymore. My girlfriend looks after the finance including my debit, credit cards and the credit report. We have a 22 month plan to repay my debts. I only get cash for fuel and I show the receipt when I get home. I will be doing more house chores, reading and other creative things to keep myself busy especially when I'm off work. 

Last but not least I'd like to thank everyone in this forum. I have read so much over the last 2 weeks and taken so much advice. This is my diary and I shall be writing my recovery here everyday as long as I have the resources. This is a new beginning. I did not gamble today and I shall not gamble tomorrow. 14 days gambling free. Thank you.

Pras

Posted on:
Sat, 10/02/2018 - 22:22

geordie

Joined:
2009-08-17

Thats a great start pras.It is possible to get lifetime exclusions. I've got them from sky, pokerstars, full tilt, ********* and grovsners. I sent them an email saying I was a compulsive gambler and that I'd been to prison because of my gambling.

I also have lifetime exclusions at stanley, london clubs, and grovesnor land based casinos, I put letters through the doors of my local ones about 15 years ago. I know that the exclusions work I tried to go in a grovsnor casino about 18 months ago.

You've taken some massive steps mate and should be proud of yourself. The important thing is to keep it up.

Well done on your good start.

Posted on:
Sun, 11/02/2018 - 21:12

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Dear Diary,

I'm 15 days gamble free today. It's been a day well spent. Me and the missus went to Box hill in surrey. We had a lovely walk although the trek back was a little bit struggle. I do shift work so I don't get every weekend off and whenever I'm off weekends I normally waste them watching football or something not important on telly. Therefore, going out today and enjoying the nature like normal people do was literally a breath of fresh air. The weather was kind, people looked happy, kids were laughing and running, dogs were having fun too. It was a lovely day. Thanks to my girlfriend that she came up with this plan at the beginning of the week and gave me the heads up. We had a couple of homemade sandwiches packed up for lunch so we didn't have to spend any money. 

After we came home, we baked bonaffee pie. I mean we tried because it was neither a success nor a disaster. We did follow the instructions but the outcome wasn't what we'd thought of. However, the taste was great so can't complain too much. Maybe we'll get it right next time. Let's hope so. 

Spent the evening waching a couple of episodes of Altered Carbon on netflix. Again, talking about watching tv series if it was upto me I would have probably finished the whole series in one go. Maybe I get hooked onto things too easily because I'm a compulsive gambler? My gilfriend definitely thinks there is a correlation hence she's teaching me to be patient and take things easy. One step at a time. Just like my recovery, one day at a time. 

I had a great time today both outside as well as at home. I did not gamble today. 

Geordie - Thanks for your advice, I'll definitely look into it. 

Goodnight and have a great week everyone. Signing off...

Pras

Posted on:
Sun, 11/02/2018 - 21:17

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Sounds like a perfect Sunday to me. Stay strong and GF =)

Posted on:
Mon, 12/02/2018 - 00:27

Stephen 67

Joined:
2017-05-10

Welcome to the diaries Pras. 

Glad you had a good day on Box Hill. All that fresh air and a chance to enjoy the great outdoors.

Wishing you well in your recovery...stephen 

Posted on:
Mon, 12/02/2018 - 22:20

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Thank you sjwsjw and Stephen. 

Whole day spent at work and the evening with the missus at home. The most important thing is that I did not gamble today. Off to bed now. 16 days GF. 

Pras

Posted on:
Tue, 13/02/2018 - 01:17

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Hi Pras, welcome to the forum :-)

Congratulations on the 1st 2 weeks & 2 days of your journey & how lovely that your girlfriend is supporting you so well :-)

I know you have been reading around the site so may have taken quite a bit on board...Have you given any consideration to GA or counselling (GamCare can provide this free of charge)?  Gambling in isolation is all too common, because of the solitude & the peace it allows you to escape your thoughts.  Sadly it doesn’t despatch them though, just compounds them with added financial burden :-(  

I can certainly understand you wanting to watch the entire series all @ once...When I stopped gambling I played Candy Crush until my eyes nearly fell out & then replaced that with frantic GamCare activity reading every post, replying to almost everything I read.  I maintain that both those activities (I’m told they are transient addictions) were way healthier than gambling but as your girlfriend says, there is a correlation & the more I learn about addiction & myself, the less I behave in that way.  

Being normal was something I really looked forward too when I 1st started my journey, only I didn’t know what normal was.  I’m starting to understand that it is about walks in the outside (which I must do more of) & children playing (which is one of my favourite sounds in the whole world) but it’s also about knowing myself & what is acceptable behaviour.  The shame I had from being a gambler has slowly been replaced by shame of how I have behaved generally, & thought was acceptable behaviour in the past...I don’t know if I’ll ever shrug that off completely but knowing what I do now gives me something to work on to be a better person.  Being a gambler has given me a blueprint for how to behave (through the GA program) & I’m no longer embarrassed to say “I’m an addict!”

Turned into a bit of a ramble there but hopefully you know where I’m coming from.  Recovery may get rocky @ times but you’re already seeing that life without gambling is much more rewarding.  Keep up the good work & high five to our partners for putting up with us - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Tue, 13/02/2018 - 14:22

Sha999

Joined:
2017-08-29

Hi Pras

Well done in getting some gamble free days under your belt.

My vice was also the bookies roulette, yes I can relate to the ones watching over your shoulder or the ones pretending to look at the racing pages stuck to the wall but really watching you. Then off course there's the advice givers, shouting out about 7 different numbers to put your money on and if one of those numbers comes in, they want a cut!

The more time away from gambling, the easier it will be.

Take care.

Shaun

Posted on:
Tue, 13/02/2018 - 20:52

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

ODAAT - Yes, I've filled in the the online registration form for counselling. I got a reply saying they'll get back to me as soon as a slot becomes available. Thanks for the advice and kind words.  

Sha999 - Yep, absolutely! I just hope that I will never have to see such a day again. Thank you for the support. 

I did not gamble today. 17 days GF.

Pras

Posted on:
Wed, 14/02/2018 - 22:35

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Valentine's day today and I had no money to buy even a card for the missus. Such a rubbish feeling it is when you remind yourself of the damage done so far because of your actions. I kept asking "why did I gamble all my wages? why? why? why am I such an idiot??" So ashamed of myself. I messaged her from work earlier that I am so sorry for not getting her anything today coz I screwed up big time. Luckily, she is very understanding and she wasn't expecting anything at all. All she wants is me to not gamble and become a good man. I feel very fortunate to have someone like her by my side. I sincerely hope that this time next year I'll be 383 days gamble free and I'll be in a position to shower my baby with loads of gifts and that's the least she deserves. Taking one day at a time. 18 days GF.

Pras

Posted on:
Wed, 14/02/2018 - 22:56

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Sounds like you have a great woman there. Just make sure you treat her right. Love and attention is worth more then one day the world agrees to show it. If you can stay away from gambling you can make everyday better for the both of you.

Look forwards, not back.

All the best =)

Posted on:
Thu, 15/02/2018 - 20:46

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

sjwsjw - 100% agree that love and attention is worth more than one day the world agrees to show it. I just wish that I'd found this forum much earlier. I suppose it's better late than never. 

Had a day off work today. Normally, I spend my rest days just sleeping till late, watch TV, etc. nother productive basically. However, today was a good day. I made myself busy with chores. Opted to radio instead of TV and it helped a lot with cleaning so I'll be doing that more oftern on my rest days. All thanks to the missus that she kicked my back side off the bed this morning and got me do some work in the house. I so needed that. 

I got a message from one of my cousins to pay the money back I owe. Normally, this would send me right back to my online gambling because as soon as people start asking for their money back all I think of is gambling big and winning big. No planning on how to repay everyone slowly but just hoping for that one big win and pay everyone back in one go. Of course, I always lose and just repeat the cycle. However, this time the missus has come up with a 22 month plan to repay all the money I owe to my friends and family so I simply replied that I will pay back once I get paid. It felt good for a change knowing that I don't have to gamble anymore just because someone is asking for their money back. I know that I will repay them at some point. It's just a matter of time. I will not rush and I will certainly not gamble for it. Taking one day at a time. 19 days GF.

Pras

Posted on:
Fri, 16/02/2018 - 22:04

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Picked up some overtime at work today so in overall a good day. I'm happy that I did not gamble today. 20 days GF.

Pras

Posted on:
Sat, 17/02/2018 - 20:04

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Long day at work, absolutely knackered so off to sleep. 21 days GF. 

Posted on:
Sun, 18/02/2018 - 21:51

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

22 days GF. Taking one day at a time.

Posted on:
Sun, 18/02/2018 - 22:09

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Well done Pras, the weekends can be tough. Just keep doing what you are doing.

Posted on:
Mon, 19/02/2018 - 08:32

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Yes, indeed sjwsjw. They can be tough especially when you know there are loads of football matches going on. You always want to put a cheeky quid each on few accas across the leagues and you lose and you start chasing that loss which would take me to my "beloved" online roulette. However, I've divorced the beloved one and I don't want to see her ever again in my life. To stop feeding the urges I have stopped checking football results which don't mean anything to whatsoever. Now, my TV hours have been reduced to just 2 hours a day so I watch something else instead. This will help me stop watching football all the time and perhaps don't watch football at all eventually. Anyway, taking one day at a time. It seems to be working and why fix it if ain't broke? Onto day 23. I will not gamble today. 

Posted on:
Mon, 19/02/2018 - 09:22

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Well done on 22 days, yes take a day at a time, you are doing so well

Wilsy

Posted on:
Mon, 19/02/2018 - 10:38

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Thanks Wilsy for your support.

Posted on:
Mon, 19/02/2018 - 20:06

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

another early night for me. been waking up at 4:30am for 4 days. one more to go tomorrow and the n day off. looking forward to catch up with my beauty sleep. 23 days gamble free. Good night.

Posted on:
Tue, 20/02/2018 - 22:06

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

24 days GF.

Posted on:
Wed, 21/02/2018 - 19:33

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

I had my first online counselling session today and it went quite well. A couple of more sessions to follow next months so feeling positive about it. It was my day off so I kept myself busy doing the chores. Feeling good that I'm not thinking about gambling and I'm actually using my time and energy on something important instead. Taking one day at a time. 25 days GF. 

Pras

Posted on:
Thu, 22/02/2018 - 20:55

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Was meant to be off today but did 12 hours overtime so worth it in the end.

I had a good chat with my cousin about my compulsive gambling behaviour and preventive measures I'm taking for my recovery. It was good letting things off my chest to someone I see as my elder brother.

I got another message from someone I owe money to and as promised I showed it to my girlfriend instead of panicking and getting those urges to gamble.

It's been a good day in overall and I did not gamble today. 26 days GF.

Pras

Posted on:
Fri, 23/02/2018 - 20:01

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Another productive day today. Day off started with a dog walk followed by food shopping. Missus trusted me with the card and I proved myself to be a good boy by doing what I'm supposed to do. Kept all reciepts from the food shopping and I even brought £1 back from the parking refund. Did the laundry and later helped the missus with making dinner and dessert. 

While I was listening to the radio in the afternoon the guy was talking about the lottery tonight that what would you do if you win that sort of money. If I was still gambling I would have either popped into the shop to buy tickets or get them online as soon as I heard the amount of jackpot. However, I simply smiled and carried on doing the chores. I've vowed not to place a bet in any shape or form and that includes the lottery. Taking one day at a time. 27 days GF.

Pras

Posted on:
Sat, 24/02/2018 - 21:43

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Had a lovely day at the virginia water lake. Being outdoor in the nature does freshen up your mind and gives you a different perspective to life. It tells you that there is so much more to life than just shutting everything around you and gamble everything away.

Came home and made dinner as well baked a cake with the girlfriend. In overall, another great day. We (mainly the missus) had a plan and we executed it well. Given it was saturday and I didn't even think about football let alone putting a bet on accas means that I'm on a right path towards my recovery. Long may it continue. Taking one day at a time. 28 days gamble free.

Pras

Posted on:
Sun, 25/02/2018 - 23:24

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Very sad day today. My grandmother passed away peacefully in her bed. She was very close to me and I'm gonna miss her so much. I'm gonna keep myself strong and will not let this tragedy trigger a relapse. Taking one day at a time. 29 days GF. RIP grandma.

Pras

Posted on:
Mon, 26/02/2018 - 01:32

Stephen 67

Joined:
2017-05-10

Condolences Pras.

It is heartbreaking to lose someone so close who has always there for you since you were born.

It is however good to see you turning your life around by not gambling and focussing on your recovery. 

Wishing you well and a good week ahead...stephen 

Posted on:
Mon, 26/02/2018 - 10:01

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Thank you your kind words Stephen.

Posted on:
Mon, 26/02/2018 - 21:24

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

30 days GF

Posted on:
Tue, 27/02/2018 - 20:28

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

31 days GF.

Posted on:
Wed, 28/02/2018 - 21:26

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Payday today. First time in a while it feels so relevant. My girlfriend controls and manages all my finances so I'm very grateful to her. This time last month I had lost all the money I got paid. I was feeling so low. Fast forward a month I'm a different person with completely different mindset. I keep myself busy either with work or chores on days off. Having zero access to money is working absolute wonders. So far so good. Taking one day a time. 32 days GF.

Posted on:
Thu, 01/03/2018 - 20:13

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Awful weather conditions out there i hope everyone is wrapped up properly and keeping themselves warm. 33 days GF.

Pras

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 19:58

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

34 days GF.

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 20:09

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Nicely over the first month now, keep at it mate. Hope you have a good weekend =)

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 21:08

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Well donepras

Posted on:
Sat, 03/03/2018 - 08:49

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Thanks sjwsjw and you.

Thank you adam123.

Posted on:
Sat, 03/03/2018 - 20:22

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

35 days GF.

Posted on:
Sun, 04/03/2018 - 22:35

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

36 days GF.

Posted on:
Mon, 05/03/2018 - 21:24

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

day off today. kept myself busy with dog walk, food shopping, cooking, etc. gotta wake up early tomorrow so off to bed now. taking one day at a time. 37 days GF.

Posted on:
Tue, 06/03/2018 - 21:31

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

38 days GF.

Posted on:
Tue, 06/03/2018 - 21:38

chartom3

Joined:
2015-03-11

Well done on 38 days GF , always good to keep yourself busy keep up the good work your doing great .... all the best.

Posted on:
Wed, 07/03/2018 - 22:18

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Thank you chartom3.

A very emotional day today. It was my grandma's funeral. I spoke a few words about her in front of the family and relatives. She was a great person. I hope that I can turn my life around and be a great person like her. Taking one day at a time. 39 days GF.

Pras

Posted on:
Thu, 08/03/2018 - 20:37

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

40 days GF.

Posted on:
Thu, 08/03/2018 - 21:08

Stephen 67

Joined:
2017-05-10

Congratulation Pras on 40 days without a bet.

Well done on speaking at your Grandma's funeral yesterday. It would have been a very emotional occasion for you. Your Grandma would have been both pleased and very proud of you.

Take care and keep going forward...stephen 

Posted on:
Fri, 09/03/2018 - 07:36

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Thanks for your support Stephen. I appreciate it a lot.

Posted on:
Fri, 09/03/2018 - 10:41

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

great reading your positive posts especially at a time of family bereavement. take care x

Posted on:
Fri, 09/03/2018 - 16:27

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Thank you Cookie12. Yes, going through a tough time recently but keeping myself strong and taking one day at a time is the only way forward.

Posted on:
Fri, 09/03/2018 - 23:17

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

41 days GF.

Posted on:
Sat, 10/03/2018 - 21:17

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Woke up with a good feeling today after a good lie in of course ;) Ahh waking up at 4:30 most of the days makes a lie in bed even more special. Anyways, after breakfast I straight away got on the chores. Deep clean kitchen, bathroom, missus's office, hoover bedroom, laundry etc. sprayed and wiped the tv and my god it looks so beautiful haha. After the missus came home we sat down and made some interesting future planning/budgeting. Exciting times ahead. 

I asked my girlfriend if I could watch football in the evening she said it's not a good idea because I become a different person once I get glued to football. The problem is I get too passionate when I start watching football and the missus thinks it affects my mood. The aftermath is negative especially if the team I support doesn't get the result. Therefore, we negotiated if I only watch the second half instead of the whole game. Hopefully, the day will come that I will stop caring so much about football. So, in overall a very good day. We got done so much and I had no gambling urges. The future looks bright. Onwards and upwards. Taking one day at a time. 42 days GF. 

Pras

Posted on:
Sun, 11/03/2018 - 19:21

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

excellent.your girlfriend sounds really switched on and the fact you listen to her sounds like a successful partnership.have a great week

Posted on:
Sun, 11/03/2018 - 22:07

Hazard2myself

Joined:
2018-01-28

Thanks Cookie and you.

43 days GF.

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