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Neveragain42

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#1 Posted on:
Mon, 15/01/2018 - 16:54

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Hi My name is Harry and i am a comulsive gambler and addict. 

 

I first goined this forum back in 2009 when i was convinced i would stop gambling for ever, perhaps i was too naive or foolish to think that you can just stop and stay stopped without making any serious changes to myself - and the outcome has been that i have continued to have lapses and disastrous gambling binges in these last 9 years - the amount of money lost will be easily over 100k.

However i am determined to do all i can to stop this for the rest of my life as it has taken over far too much of my life and ruined so much.  My last bet was last Wednesday when i lost £3.5k in 4 spins on online roulette which i have recently got into.  I was winning for  a couple of weeks, everyday wiinning a couple of grand and telling myself i would stop if i won a little more, and thsi little more was never enough - i eventually got to over £20k and still this was not enough even though i told myself that if i got to 10k i would definalty stop and withdraw the money and enjoy it - but as we all know we can never stop and the money was going to go anyway.  I lost all of it and a further £13k on credit cards.

Right now i can not face telling my wife of the damage i have done once again and puting her through the hurt pain and grief for the umpteenth time when each time i promised it would be the last.  I know i will have to tell her as i can not do this on my own and if she finds out, which she will it will be  a lot worse.

These last 5 days have been awful thinking of the money lost, but i know that once i have placed the 1st bet the result will always be the same and i would never have collected the winnings it was impossible and would have gone eventually however i do feel sick thinkng of it.

i have surrended to gambling and will start attending GA regularly as this helped me in the past and from today try and change as a person and become the best man i can be for my family without gambling and addictive behaviour in my life.

I wish everyone well on thsi forum and all the success stories motivate me to also join these people and turn my life around.

 

Harry

Posted on:
Tue, 16/01/2018 - 02:01

jjones 77

Joined:
2018-01-11

my story is very similar lost over 60k last 5 years and yes we never stop because the kick you get from winning is addictive.
no doubts you had plans on what to spend the 5k then 10k then 20k on then something in mind when you got to 25k like i always do.
you reach a target then when you do you just set another target and as you do you increase your stake then you start to lose as you lose you become angry and reckless.
if you started with 5k got to 20k and still had 10k you would be upset at losing 10k not happy about winning 5k. good luck with telling your wife and councilling.
when you tell your wife keep talking to her continually not just tell her then continue as normal keep updating her.

Posted on:
Tue, 16/01/2018 - 09:21

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hi Harry

I would like to follow your diary and progress as you speak inteligently and I want to see you succeed for many days, months and years. You've been here before so no advise needed from me, you can do this and in your own time if you feel you do need to confess or tell your closest you will.

All the best Harry!

Wilsy!

Posted on:
Tue, 16/01/2018 - 12:28

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Day 6

Thanks for the replies.  

The gambling after effects are in full swing, mind swirling with wierd thouhgts of what have i done and can i 'rectify' the damage a little. I know i can't and this is the gambling demon trying to lure me back but i have to remain strong. One day at a time and i can slowly build up some solid absitence from this horrible habit.

My latest episode of gambling is indictivate of how twisted my mind is when it comes to gambling, having started with a very low amount i within a short space of time managed to take this to over £20k even though i told myself when i reached 5k, 8k, 12k, 15k i would definatley stop as i knew subconsiouslly i could lose it all, but my gambling brain was telling me i was in control and i would never lose this amount of money, and ofcourse i lost it all within a few hours and over the next day another 7k on credit cards chasing it .  The memory makes me sick - i need to remind myself of this.

I am determined to lookl to the future as looking back makes me depressed and feel so low - the feelings i had these last few days since my last bet i NEVER want to feel again - 

Reminder of damage caused by gambling

Huge debt - last time resulting in secured loan of £68k  mortgage still high.  If i had managed to quit when i first started these diaries i would be totally mortgage free and with a healthy savings, now faced with high mortgage and extra debt, i can choose to gamble and make things worse or not gamble ever again and improve things and future for my family.

I need to stay focused and positive.

I have a decent job that will mean if i can achieve a goal of 12 months gamble free i should make some serious dents into the loans and credit cards and if i can continue this for 3 years (36 months ) not very long is it i should be able to serioulsy reduce my debts and mortgage to something not too much to worry about, this needs to be my motivation to stop gambling not to say to do it for my family and kids they deserve better than what i am doing to them.

My first challenge is to own up to my wife and go through the pain and grief that this will cause but i know i must tell her if i am to have any hope of stopping as i cna not do it on my own it is impossible for me to beat this just through willpower.  I need to just be positive and think that in 12 months we will be in a better position and telling her was the best thing or i can easiley continue to lie and cause more devastation.

 

Harry

Posted on:
Wed, 17/01/2018 - 12:03

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

day 7

It is one week ago that i had my last bet, my last episode of carnage, devesatating damage without thinking clearly.  The fog is slowly but surely lifing and i am no longer waking up with a cold sweat thinking of what i have done, that money was never real it was just tokens that i would feed back to xxxbrokes with interest. 

Going to a GA meeting today after a long time, a bit apprehensive as will see the same faces who many of them have a long period of absitence behind them and may think this guy still hasn't got it as he keeps ******** up, however i appreciate thier words of wisdom and they have been there and done it and many of them are on long term recoveries, one in particular over 15 years and still goes to meetings ..so just shows that this is always with us and need to be on our gaurd ALWAYS

My most pressing thing is to tell my wife which i am very much dreading but know has to be done, trying to find a day when the kids are not there so they can be shielded from the enivtable grief and shock this will cause.

Harry

Posted on:
Mon, 22/01/2018 - 16:59

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Hi Harry

Thanks for stopping by my diary. Well done on getting through your first week after a brutal binge. I hope you managed to have the convo with your wife and it went okay.

Wishing you well in your recovery.

 

Matt

Posted on:
Wed, 24/01/2018 - 11:45

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Day 14

It happened yesterday.

 

My wife found out for the upteenth time in our relationship.

I received that dreaded call at work ' are you gambling ?'  ... i was thinking for a split second what to say and then i admitted it yes... the phone went silent and all i could hear was sobs and crying.  My kids were at home during this and thought something happend to thier mum and kept calling me..i didn't know what to do.  Once again i have caused so much pain and grief to my family and have forced them to endure my selfish behaviour.

My wife is devasted and not able to really look at me, she gave me her feelings yesterday and said she can not go through this again how could i do this ?  I can't beileve i have put myseldf in this position yet again and hurt her so much.  I need to bottle up this feeling so i never ever foget it ! 

I am too embarrased to face my kids as my eldest is 16 now and did not want to talk to me yesterday what a pathetic father i am..this is the worst thing for me

I beg anyone in a similar situation to me please tell your wife/partner before they find out as it will most definalty be worse if they find out rather then you being honest with them, honesty is what they crave and what we deny them.

 

Harry 

Posted on:
Wed, 24/01/2018 - 12:39

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Harry I'm wife of cg and I just went back to 2009 and read your first diary. I can't help you, you have to help yourself. I've lived with 20 years on and off lying, gambling. I've heard all the excuses, reasons or no reason. This last time my cg confessed and I made him sit down and tell our children 15 and 17. I have handled finances for 15 years. All household bills etc paid. He secretly gambled loans. I knew nothing of credit reports. You will stop when you want to and not before. BUT if you hand over finance and get credit reports and give total control to your wife, you might get rid of access to money. I'm sure you've heard this many times before. Your wife is undoubtedly devastated. I would suggest you get her some support. I went to gamanon 15 years ago and learnt how to cope. I learnt that I couldn't stop my cg but I could hold the money. If she is willing I think you should both go to GA and gamanon. This may be a step too far. Reality is if she doesn't learn about how to look after herself and her finances this will continue. You need to surrender, surrender to addiction, surrender the money. 

Posted on:
Wed, 24/01/2018 - 14:00

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Hi 

Many thanks for your feedback and i totally understand and agree with what you are saying.

I attended a lunch time GA meeting today and feel so much better to get things out of my chest and share my feelings..i really need to help my wife to cope as she is not coping very well.

I am devasted by this latest episode when i had promised numerous times in the past that i would stop and thought i absolutly meant it each time.  I am again in the same position. This time i am going to leave no hole open for me to exploit when the voices start coming back which i am sure they will do at some point.  I feel so sorry for my wife and kids, for what i have become and am absolutly committed to change as a person as i realise that only stopping from gambling is not enough, i need to change and become a better human being and the person that my wife thought she was marrying, i just hope i am given the chance.  I will go home and tell my wife that i have been looking into counselling fro her and both of us and the Gamcare helpline for her to talk with someone.  I will give her access to credit reports and with the help of god be honest everyday, one day at a time.

This is my ambition and motivation for the rest of my life.

Harry

Posted on:
Thu, 25/01/2018 - 12:33

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Not sure what day it is as my mind is not thinking straight.

My wife who has found out about my latest relapse has been sending me some horrible texts and i am finding it extremely difficult to deal with, she has called me non stop and all i can hear is swearing and questions that i have no answer to -  i ended up putting the phone down and she texted to say she has put up with me all her life and i can't put up with a few of her reactions to my actions...  i know what she is saying but this is all caused by my compulise addicttion.. she is unable to see that.. i dont know what to do as this is runining us

Posted on:
Thu, 25/01/2018 - 15:57

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Harry would she call gamcare? 

Posted on:
Thu, 25/01/2018 - 16:24

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Hi Merry,

i did take the number with me last night, but she didn't want to know, she said whats the point the same thing is gonna happen again in a couple of months....  i really feel bad about what she is going through and don't know what i would do if the shoe was on the other foot, but i so desperatley want her to ubnderstand how this addicction works ..i know i can't expect her to deal with it as if nothing happened but i'm not sure i should be subject to very abusive language for a few days running ...... ?

Posted on:
Thu, 25/01/2018 - 17:11

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Hi Harry

Desperately sorry to hear about the gambling and the impact it is having on your relationship. I feel for you both.

I know it does not help today but the very fact your wife is so upset may be a slight positive here as showing this emotion may show that she has not totally given up on you? An emotionless request for you to just leave may have been worse?

I can only suggest you suck it up for as long as she needs to let it out. Once she is able to communicate properly you can start working out how you are going to put the measures in place to stop you ever gambling again. From your history, it sounds like the blocks are going to have to be pretty watertight but this has to be worth to prevent this happening again?

Good luck, don't forget you are not on your own and keep posting.

Muststop123

Posted on:
Thu, 25/01/2018 - 17:29

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

I can only speak from my experience. I went to gamanon, I wanted to see a way forward. I understand (to some extent) addiction. I learnt all I could. I also learnt I couldn't stop my cg from gambling. There has to be a point where you realise you can't do this anymore. Your wife is at breaking point. She wants you to stop and she can't do anything. You've promised her something that is impossible. But ultimately you made that choice. What do you want her to do? I agree verbal abuse is not acceptable but you've pushed her to it. Your behaviour is not ok. You can't just blame everything on your addiction. You can stop you just choose not to. You have to be honest about that. Regardless of whether you continue or stop, your wife needs help dealing with her anger. I can assure you she's not alone. It's not about her understanding you and your addiction, it's about her dealing with everyday life. I would say my cgs gambling has almost affected me more than him. I don't know how you can persuade her to seek advice or even if you should. The point is you have to accept what you have done. Take responsibility and do what ever it takes to put it right. 

Posted on:
Thu, 25/01/2018 - 20:49

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

You've lied to her and deceived her. She feels like a mug and that's all she understands right now. In all honesty it's not in her interests to be too understanding in any case. She needs reassurance in the shape of full financial control and every block going that you mean what you say. You can find understanding at counselling sessions and at GA where they get it in a way non gamblers never can.

Posted on:
Mon, 29/01/2018 - 13:11

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Day 19

 

Thanks for the responses guys,  I intend to pass by your diaries soon.

It has been a very difficult few days, but what did i expect ?  My horrible habit has always led to this type of scenario and always ended with lots of tears and grief for all involved.  My poor wife is suffering the consequences of my addicttion and i need to try and support her as much as i can which is what i intend to do, however in all honesty my selfish character and only thinking of my self brain makes it tough for me to understand this.

I am EXTREMELY dissapointed with the type of human being i have turned into and am feeling lots of self loathing and disgust, which is not good, i do truly belive that i was not suppossed to be this type of person but my addicttions have led me to become like this,  i do intend to try my best to change and rediscover the person i should have been and the person my wife thought she was marrying, she always asks me why did i decive her and not tell her that i was a gambling addict and i can not answer that - its so tough.

I did start praying to my god as i do believe in god and intend to ask my god to help me to battle this and reallign my self to a 'normal person' and forgive all my sins.  I know that this won't happen over night but i do intend to take it a day at a time.  I am doing lots of research into this and I totally get it that i need to rewire my brain and way of thinking if i am to have any hope of changing as just through willpower i can not and have not ever been able to stop.

If anyone knows of any good free gambling blocking software for android phone, please do let me know, i tried the k9 but can't seem to get it to work.

Harry

Posted on:
Mon, 29/01/2018 - 14:13

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Harry the nature of addiction is to lie and keep it secret. Also you don't want to see the problem. If you can't download a blocking software call your provider and ask them to block gambling sites. 

Posted on:
Tue, 30/01/2018 - 20:56

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hey 100% honesty otherwise nothing changes.

Posted on:
Wed, 31/01/2018 - 12:17

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Hello Diary,

Day 21

Just had a thought of the first day i posted here three weeks ago and all that has happened since then.  Me thinking i could fight this addiction on my own, my wife finding out once again, all the pain and grief caused the tears dissapointment and self loathing feelings....  the reason why i am writing this is i need to remind myself of wtf this terrible habit has caused me in my life, because out of nowehre i had an urge yesterday which as much as i tried i could not bat away until this morning.  The usual thoughts of one last bet to pay off some debt and that would be it..am i STUPID or what this is what has always led to my downfall, i need to keep reminding myself GAMBLING IS A LIE and i choose not to gamble anymore, but i honeslty am scared of the challlenge ahead of me as my past shows how i have never been able to kick this habit, but with the help of faith and a progressive personality change i am hopeful i can do it one day at a time as many have been able to do on this site who i have great admiration for and wish one day to be able to post on year 365 days gamble free 500 days 1000 days, who knows but i will be hopeful and try my best to retrain re configure my brain to a different way of thinking as i beilive that is crucial for me to change as a person from this person with a lot of defects to a more balanced person with a better moral compass guiding me.

Reminder of goals

12 months gamble free =  pay of credit cards, build trust in relationship, peace of mind and better person

24 months gamble free =  savings, nice holidays for family, new car (material things) spirtually better person more kinder and generous human being, not compulsive, wife and i back to a trusting and loving relationship

36 months gamble free = reduce mortgage, consider a nicer property, aim for financial security - keep working on improving myself as a human being 

Wishing everyone well in thier battle with this habit.

Harry

Posted on:
Thu, 01/02/2018 - 11:57

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Day 22,

Trying to keep my head down and work hard to distract myself from all the things currently going on in my life and the fall out from my latest binge of gambling... this is not easy but anything worth while is worth the struggle and i need to feel this pain to be fixed, no pain no gain so onwards and upwards.

I need to remind myself each day why i am here and where i want to get to.. i need to make an improvement to myself each and every day as this is a life long task... it is strange when you stop gambling you have normal feelings again normal emotions even though these maybe painful there are some good feelings too, like today for a few seconds i felt like how i felt many years ago before the gambling bug took over my life and i felt happy, happy of myself and it was a nice feeling..this is want i want for my future ..normal feelings..one day at a time

Posted on:
Thu, 01/02/2018 - 13:27

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

well done Harry on 22 days, know how hard it is to focus and keep distracted when all we want is to be rid of these chains and debt free. Keep making the right choices, you are doing really well

Wilsy

Posted on:
Fri, 02/02/2018 - 10:34

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Day 23

Another day gamble free, another day to reflect on my self and my character defects.  I went to 2 GA meetings and what a strong powerful experience it was, i would never have attended 2 meetings previously in a row as i would much rather go home and see the kids and pretend all was ok and play a happy family although inside i would be hiding this illness and giving it more power and control over me.   The meetings were a real eye opener and so much inspiration from the members who have buit up years of absitence and recovery if they can do it so can I.  My wife used to ask me why do i need to go to more than 1 meeting a week,  it is so hard to explain why but i know it is needed as well as my fait and spiritual belief , i absoultly need this to have a chance of improving myself.

One things which i have realised is I know that just stopping the act of gambling is not enough, i need to maek some changes to myself which will help me to not relapse, and no matter how long a person is gamble free we are all one bet away from destruction, so i will try not to focus too much on the days counter, although i cant wait for it to say 300, 600, 1000 ..one day at a time.

Good Luck All

Posted on:
Fri, 02/02/2018 - 14:01

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

 

Found this on the favourite posts section and am copying to my diary to remind myself as i will I am sure be facing all sort of urges.

Although during the initial days or weeks of abstinence or moderation, especially after a long period of daily addictive behavior, you may experience many urges of strong and even increasing intensity. Recovering addicts of all types report that urges eventually peak in frequency, intensity, and duration, and then gradually, with occasional flare-ups, fade away. How long it will take for urges to peak, and how rapidly they will subside, depends on many factors, including the specific addiction, the length of the addiction, how successful the program of abstinence or moderation has been, and the strength of the developing alternative lifestyle. However, as a very broad guideline, within six months to one year most addicts will report only feeble urges (for instance, one a week, lasting a few minutes, a 1 or 2 on a 10 point scale).

It is also crucial not to take responsibility for the occurrence of the urge, but only your response to it. It is normal for any addict to experience urges, and just because on Sunday you decide to stop does not mean that on Monday you will not have urges. The fact that urges occur does not indicate that your motivation is weak, but that your addiction is strong. Because all habits have unconscious components, of which the urge is one, it will take time for these to die away. What is within your control, however, is how you respond to the urge. An analogy could be made to someone knocking at your front door. All sorts of individuals might knock at your door, but it is up to you to decide with whom you will talk. Their knocking is not your responsibility, but to what extent you choose to speak with them is.

Specific techniques for coping with urges include the following.

When an urge occurs, accept it, but keep it at a distance. Experience it as you would a passing thought, one which "comes in one ear and out the other". Detach yourself from it, and observe and study it as an outside object for a moment. Then return your attention to what you were previously doing. If the urge is intense, remember (and perhaps picture) your benefits of stopping/cutting back (which can be carried in your wallet or purse). Recall a "moment of clarity", a moment when changing your addictive behavior seemed almost without question the right course of action. Think your addictive behavior through to the end:

When an urge is present, you tend to think only of the Benefits of the Addiction, but completing the image to include the negative consequences that follow will give you a more accurate view of the whole scenario. If the urge is very intense, engage yourself in a distracting activity, one which you have enjoyed before and which will take your mind off the urge, or use a specific distraction technique, such as counting things (e.g., leaves on a plant, books on a shelf), doing arithmetic (e.g., continually subtracting 7 from 1000, 993, 986, etc.), or focusing on alphabetical/verbal games (e.g., saying the alphabet backwards, reading signs backwards, searching book titles or license plates for the alphabet, etc.). Any simple activity conducted at high speed can fill up your attention, thereby allowing no attention for the urge. Any thought or activity on which you completely focus your attention is all that is needed, because if no attention is paid to the urge, then it will no longer exist. Although another urge may come along at any point, that urge also can be dealt with in a similar fashion. Over time the urges come less frequently, as already stated.

To summarize these urge coping techniques, all urges should be accepted. Low level urges can be observed but kept at a distance. Attention can then be re-directed to whatever one was paying attention to prior to the urge. More intense urges can be "counterargued" by reviewing in some fashion the benefits of not engaging in the addictive behavior, and the facts about urges mentioned above (e.g., all urges go away eventually; they are uncomfortable but not unbearable unless I blow them out of proportion;). Very intense urges can be dealt with using some form of distraction, repeated as necessary. All urges eventually go away.

Posted on:
Mon, 05/02/2018 - 11:17

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

day 26

This weekend was very strange, i woke up on Saturday in a bery bad mood and was blaming everyone and everything for my problems, not taking any responsibilty for anything and generally being a horrible person.  i thought the world was against be and they can all go to hell.

However in the afternoon my wife came to me and asked me if i had installed blocking software and arranged counselling , neither of whcih i had done, but did intend to do but usual self just delaying everyhting not sure what for ?.. anyway my wife said she wanted us to go back to how it was before and all of this agro and bad atmosphere was having a negative impact on the kids, i said i totally agree and will try my best to fix things with her help, i gave her a letter i wrote as often i am unable to say the things on my mind ot it comes out wrong.  Anyway that was a positive thing to build on.

Onwards and upwards... always going forwards never backwards

Posted on:
Mon, 05/02/2018 - 12:09

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Nice one Harry and Day 26 today so be proud of yourself

Wilsy

Posted on:
Tue, 06/02/2018 - 11:26

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Day 27,

Got some strange urges last night and again today, what the hell is this about, need to read back my diary and get to a meeting today urgently !

Posted on:
Tue, 06/02/2018 - 11:47

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Yeah urges just pop up out of nowhere mate, well done for not giving into them and try get yourself to a meeting or go on the online chats. Keep yourself busy and safe.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Thu, 08/02/2018 - 10:20

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Day 29

Almost a month, and am quite pleased with myself.  Just had a look back at the first diary I started on here back in 2009 almost 10 years ago..how i wish if only i had managed to kick the habit then how vastly different my life would be...no mortgage most likley and choosing how i work..but i guess you only stop when you are really ready and this time i feel really ready.

Life at home is slowly getting better, not great but getting better my missus is still giving me her thoughts and comments and i am taking this each time as i know i have to and it is nothing compared to what i have given her all these years. Slowly but surely things will improve ..i choose to be poisitve and today i choose to not gamble, gambling is a big LIE folks do not believe it.

One day at a time.

Harry

Posted on:
Thu, 08/02/2018 - 10:23

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Good post Harry and well done on doing a month, you are doing great!

Wilsy

Posted on:
Thu, 08/02/2018 - 18:06

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

copied from another section - a reminder to myself 

If you always think how you have always thought
Then you will always feel how you always felt
If you always feel how you always felt
Then you will always do what you have always done
If you always do what you have always done
Then you will always get what you have always got
If you always get what you always got
Then you will always think how you always thought

NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES

Posted on:
Mon, 12/02/2018 - 16:22

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Hello Diary,

Day 33, i think.

I would have to say that overall this weekend has been good.  Started off very badly on saturday with me being in very foul mood and taking it out on anyone and everyone, i was being very mean and selfish and losing my rag over everything, it was all due to some weired and bizarre thoughts that were going through in my head that i was unable to deal with.  Rather than shouting and arguing and causing more bad atmosphere in the house my wife dragged me outside to a coffee shop to chat.  We had a very good chat and i was very honest with her about everything and she expressed to me how difficult it was to deal with me the way i am and have been and all the hurt over the years, i said i want to change all of that and become a better man but will need her help as i can't do it on my own, we agreed to give it a try whcih is more than i could have wished for 4 or 5 weeks ago..

Not having any gambling urges at the moment but i know they will come, but am ready do not have access to any cards, got gamblock on my phone and banned from all the bookies i know off so don't know who i can bet even if i wanted to , but the more important thing for me is to change as a person, and i have got to want it, no more selfish, lying, compulsive person , always seek to improve my self.  

One day at a time.

Harry

 

Posted on:
Mon, 12/02/2018 - 17:40

itsbeenalonglongtime

Joined:
2018-01-21

To have a wife who understands that to take you aside and out for a chat instead of an alternative like having a shouting match is a person deserving of much appreciation.
Keep up the good work.

Posted on:
Wed, 14/02/2018 - 16:23

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Day 35

Life is up and dowm at the moment, still having some difficult and tricky situations with the wife as finance issues seem to keep cropping up, i guess this will always be the case as this is caused by the outfall of my lifelong gambling.  I have got to accept this and listen and react each time this is bought up.  Recovery will not be easy and i have to go through the pain if I want a better future, i have always chosen the easy path and wanted and expected things easy with no pain but now i will accept that nothing is easy and you need to deserve any good that you want in your life. 

Positives: my kids still love me and always will if i no longer deprive them of what they deserve

- Debt has gone down even if it is a mininscule amount this last month, if i didn't stop then 100% this would have increased another big amount

Reminder : Gambling is a lie - i can not win because i can not stop.

Attended a GA meeting last night, full of great people all suffering this horrible addiction.. so many similar stories, i think that we should all be grateful that we are here and trying to succeed in recovery whilst many are still suffering or did not make it.

Received a 30 day keyring yesterday, pleased with that and looking forward to a 60/90/ 6 month and 1 year keyring in the future

one day at a time

Harry

Posted on:
Tue, 20/02/2018 - 14:10

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Another day gamble free,

Am getting a little bit with my diary so have made an effort to get on and write down how things are going for me.  The weekend was good, my wife and i had a very good chat in the coffee shop and it seemed like after a very long time that we understand each other, she is a wonderful person who has not deserved all the **** i have chucked at her over the years, determined to make up for it and  prove i can be a better person.

Having no real strong thoughts of gambling, however the demon still lurks and i had strange memories of the last session of when i was up by quite a large amount and why i didn't cash out, but as we all know this will never happen, and even if i did i would have lost it sooner or later,

I have made progress these last few weeks and need to remind myself of where i want to be in the future and how good it could be with out gambling to screw things up.

Onwards and upwards never looking back.

Harry

Posted on:
Tue, 20/02/2018 - 15:16

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

You are making progress and doing really well so keep going my friend, change your life and your wife's life for the better.

Nice one.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Wed, 21/02/2018 - 04:19

Christer1

Joined:
2016-02-29

I ike this diary it has some good tips and you are really trying keep it up

Posted on:
Sat, 24/02/2018 - 22:04

46 and out

Joined:
2017-08-08

Hi Harry

Thanks for taking time out to post on my diary the other day. I agree with what you said, there are similarities between our stories. Well done on being more than one month gamble free. You are doing really well so stick at it and keep taking it ODAAT and remember we can't win because we can't stop. I will keep checking in on your progress. Speak soon

46 and Out

Posted on:
Mon, 26/02/2018 - 12:42

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Day 47

Thanks Christer and 46 and out.

This weekend was a mixed ball,  the wife and i and the kids had a nice saturday, had a nice lunch together, took my son to the park for a kick around, felt great to do the simple things without constantly thinking of a bet, or what time the race is off or checking a result secretly, felt good to just be normal and in the moment with my son, this is what its about being normal and not trapped in a gambling daze.

Sunday was a difficult day with the missus, we ended up arguing pretty much all day, over something small which quickly turned to money issues , i was not helping the issue by trying to argue back, but in hindsight i should have just let her have her rant and moan, i just want things to be not negative all the time, but honestly am expecting too much too soon.

Cant wait to get to sixty days and another key ring from GA, really want to collect these to remind me of my progress.

Cheers

Harry

Posted on:
Mon, 26/02/2018 - 12:50

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

47 days gf is brilliant mate, and let the Mrs be right and have her rants, you'll have an easier time of things if you don't argue back ha ha, women are always right remember! ;-)

Wilsy

Posted on:
Mon, 12/03/2018 - 14:49

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Day 61,

Looking back i think I have made some good progress, it does feel like a long time ago now that the shixt hit the fan, but i am constantly reminded of the damage i have done through out my life and all that i have been deprived off because of this horrible addiction, this is the hardest part to get to terms with.

However, things are slowly but surely improving on the home front, had a lovely time yesterday with the family - got the wife some flowers and chocolates for mothers day and breakfast in bed, something i have not done in many years and would definatly mot have done if i was still gambling, spent all of £15, which would have been uminaginable during the gambling fog, but could easiley spend thousands on a spin of a wheel, the though upsets me and makes me angry.

Have to continue to take things a day at a time, good luck to all out there fighting the battle !!

Harry

 

Posted on:
Thu, 15/03/2018 - 15:37

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

9 weeks 

I am nine weeks off gambling, things are definatly a lot better than they were 9 weeks ago.  Money is still tight but at least things are getting paid and i am not borrwing any little available on credit cards just to survive, hopefully those horrible days of making the minimum payments and then withdrawing whatever was availbale are in the past, i do not want to go through that again.  

My realationship with my wife and kids is so much better than when i was typing on here 9 weeks ago, just shows that things do get better the longer you are off gambling, my wife from not being able to even look at me or talk to me without swearing at me is now at least talking to me in a civilised way, she even mentioned that she has noticed i am trying to make an effort more than i ever have in the  past and that really made my day, but there is a long way to go before i can really hope to repair our marriage, my wife wants us to have counselling to get through all of the in built grief and dissapointment.

For those that are struggling in the early days of quitting gambling, it seems like things will never get better and each day is a massive struggle to get through but stick in there, things do get better gradually just take it one day at a time, this is what i did in the begininng just took it one day at a time and the days do slowly go by which turn into months and hopefully years.

Need to keep working on my recovery as i do need ot change as a person if i am to fully recover from this baffeling addiction as just not having a bet is not recovery but just delaying your next bet according to me.

Going to an open GA meeting this evening and looking forward to it.  

Good luck all fight back against the basxxxds bookies especially this week when they want to lure us back!!

Harry.

Posted on:
Thu, 15/03/2018 - 19:41

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Well done Harry,

Sounds like you have thrown yourself into recovery and are seeing big improvements all round as a results. Great to hear, keep at it.

Have a good weekend =)

Posted on:
Tue, 20/03/2018 - 14:12

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

day 69

im doing ok, good to get the last week out of the way, need to work on my recovery .

Posted on:
Mon, 26/03/2018 - 10:28

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Thanks Harry. Its good we support each other with comments as gives you a feeling that your not on your own and have support from people who truly appreciate what we are going through.

Keep up the good work and reamin focussed. You have a 3 year plan which is great and gives you something to aim for. You should try breaking it down to smaller chunks and set yourself say a 12 week plan. I found this made me focus more on my recovery and kept everything fresh in my mind.

I would recommend you having a look at the online counselling on gamcare as this is a very structured approach and enciurages you to write down your situation and feelings before each meeting. 

Keep up the good work and will follow your blog.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 10/04/2018 - 13:15

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Hello Diary,

90 days

Been a while since i have posted anything, been busy with work and family life over Easter.  Today is 90 days since my last bet - feels like longer to be honest but i am feeling proud of reaching this far and aim to try and make it many more days.  My life is slowly getting better and things are improving at home.  i need to keep up my improvement and character changes to ensure i do not ever go back to that miserable life of gambling.

Good Luck everyone.

Harry

Posted on:
Tue, 17/04/2018 - 16:01

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Day 96,

I need to take my recvoery lighlty.  I have been so careful not to read anything about betting in the paper or on the radio and this has helped me immensly in recognising this addiction for what it is and keeping it at bay.  

Right now i am struggleing with situation at work where a colleague is betting and they are up and down and telling me about it,  i was strong at first and told them i can not hear anything about betting or see anything and it was ok, but recently he is telling me about his betting and i am listening, i can not do this !!   I need to be strong and tell him i can't listen anymore and he should respect why.

Apart from this i am in a much better place than i was 97 days ago, my mental wellbeing is so much better and although the debt does weigh me down sometimes i know that this is gradually going down and not increasing as it most certainly would do if i was still gambling.

Keep going a day at a time.

Harry

Posted on:
Tue, 01/05/2018 - 16:50

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Day 111

Still going strong, one day at a time - most important thing is to work on my self and change as a person if i want true happiness and to be sure i do not go back to gambling 

Keep strong peeps.

Posted on:
Tue, 29/05/2018 - 16:36

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

139 days no bet,  have not said that in a long while.

Have not posted for a few weeks, but have been getting on with it.  Days are going by and its nice to see that my recovery is over 100 days and look forward to going over 200 and then hopefully towards the year mark.  

I know i can never get complacent and complacency is the biggest enemy to me, I need to focus on my recovery, improve me as a person and work on my character defects, there is no stop to self-improving and learning.  My life is slowly but gradually improving to where i used to be, always consumed by getting my next fix.  I no longer have these urges, don't get me wrong ..out of the blue after a few weeks or so a thought will pop into my head 'it aint so bad'  ' you can control it'  the old bad habits trying to lure you back but no way!!!   I am recognosing these thoughts and then telling my self what the truth is about gambling it is NEVER ok for me.

Today i am gamble free and have a choice, if i choose ever to go back to gambling then this will be taken away from me, as when you are in action there is no choice or freedom.

One day at a time.