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#1 Posted on:
Mon, 13/07/2015 - 19:41

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Hi It's been a difficult 12 days since it all came out. Lots of stress, anxiety, frustrations, anger, all emotions have been felt. Family have been really supportive and rallying around to make sense of it all. This situation has put an emmence strain on the family, especially my relationship with my wife. Shes extremely disappointed at what I've done and cannot comprehend the scale and why I did it. Not really sure if the situation can be fixed but I will try. I don't really blame her reaction to all this as she doesn't trust me one single bit. I know things will ease a little when I get a job but understand it will be a long journey. I've been attending the GA sessions twice a week and find the sessions very useful and some very good advice is given and they don't mince their words, which is good. The wife has attended the Sunday session as well and found it useful on how to take preventative measures around restricting my monies and access to electronic devices. I've got to remain positive and try and get back on my feet as its the only way we are going to get out this message.

Posted on:
Tue, 14/07/2015 - 14:44

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hi Brewster180

Well done for facing up to your gambling problem and the ensuing emotional upheaval. It's great news that your family are supportive and that you and your wife are already finding GA and GamAnon useful. You are right, it's important to get back on your feet. Have you considered getting advice from National Debtline or Stepchange about your financal situation and get a plan to get any debts paid off?  

Needless to say both you and your wife are welcome to give us a call on 0808 8020 133 if you need any further information or support. We're here 8am to midnight, and you can also chat to us on the Netline during those hours.

Keep posting,

Deirdre

Forum Admin

Posted on:
Wed, 15/07/2015 - 07:56

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Thanks Deirdre. We will look into what you have reccomended bit we have detailed a plan of how we can financially sort this out. Family have been amazing in helping out.

On my recovery things have been better the last few days. Talking to some people close to me, especially yesterday, was good and some very good advice given again.

I had two main objectives to complete on the house and job and I think I made good progress on both yesterday. Inside I'm feeling, for the 1st time, that maybe their is some light at the end of this tunnel.

My wife has been amazing and its been tough on her dealing with this and yesterday was the 1st time we sat properly and both were constructive in our comments and how deal with this. Her reactions have made me feel better in handling this and getting things sorted.

Made a list of things to do today with her as its her day off so think it will be a positive day.

Posted on:
Thu, 16/07/2015 - 11:02

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Update 

Good day yesterday and spent most day with my wife trying to get things sorted on banks, car mot and housing. Having positive people and comments around me has given me a huge boost and hope that we can get ourselves out of this situation. Bumped into my inlaws in town and felt encouraged as dad was very positive in we can get out of this mess together and with focus and hard work. It gave me another boost and confidence in getting things done.

We have a buyer for our house and will be accepting this offer which ticks another box on things to get done. Had a positive response back on my job yesterday and should be getting an interview in near future. I've got a bar job startng next Tuesday which will bring some money on, albeit it small. Again I think earning this small cash will make me value money more.

On our future housing situation we have discussed the option of renting and this financially sounds a better idea and gives us a roof over our heads and gives us time to get back on our feet. The kids were extremely happy when they saw us talking and looking at houses together, especially my daughter who has already stated she has found our next house and this morning had the biggest smile on her face, which I havnt seen in a while and brought a tear to my eye.

I'm also appreciating the value of money more when I dont have any to spend. Walking through town I saw people eating icecream, having pizza, a coffee and this hit me pretty hard that I today couldn't afford to do the basics things. The immediate thought in my head was that evil gambling was the reason I couldnt and I actually hated the thought of gambling. My sister also gave an example this morning of having to survive on little money but she managed it. I truly am starting to value the simple things more.

My brothers took me for a beer yesterday and I felt really embarrased that I couldnt even buy them a drink or even a bag of crisp. I stood at the bar when we walked in and again felt hopeless for not being able to buy but also anger with myself that gambling has caused this. They all looked up to me with pride and yesterday I felt I'd let them all down but at same time felt that I can get back on my feet and start fixing things going forward.

My friends are going to start suspecting things as I'm not replying to group messages like I used to and not meeting them for things we have organised going forward. Need to get into my head how I address this.

I'm attending the GA sessions and have another meeting tonight. I do find the meetings good to share my thoughts and update the people of my progress and they give a lot of advice and positive energy that each day not gambling is another day in your recovery.

Well thats my update for today. 

Posted on:
Fri, 17/07/2015 - 07:24

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Update

Had a good day yesterday. Finished doing a financial summary of our incomings / outgoings for next few months and again this gave me further appreciation of the value of money and how gambling has messed me up. It took longer then expected but will be following this up with family members today.

Attended the GA last night and had a good session. The Chair person was very good and came round everyone and a big takeaway for me was to remember that you are never to far from that next bet and you have to condition and discipline yourself in ensuring you don't go there again. Listen and appreciate what your friends and family are doing to help you and don't ever let them down again. No 2nd chances.

Need to make a decision on the house offer today, so a big day for that. Selling we know is the right thing to do.

Will also be calling a good friend who lent some money and explain the situation to him. Not sure on how he will react but he's a great and honourable man who I have let down very badly. I have to face this and deal with it.

Had some positive news on job front last night and will discuss with family today.

Made a list of things to sort today so will keep me busy.

That's my update for today.

Posted on:
Fri, 17/07/2015 - 09:48

I wished

Joined:
2014-04-25

Hi Brewster,

I have just read your diary, and I think you have and are doing fantastic on what you have already achieved and changed and done so early on in your recovery, 

It takes many of months to do what you have done and are doing in such a short space of time.

You are an inspiration to all of us, you said enough is enough, and you have done so many things already to turn your life around.

What determination, strength and positivity you have shown in your posts, you sure have took the bull by its horns and hit it hard straight on.

You have done some very difficult but amazing things already 

Very well done indeed, be proud of what you have and are achieving. Keep strong, focused, and even more determined, 

Thanks for sharing 

Best wishes 

Suzanne xx

Posted on:
Fri, 17/07/2015 - 11:36

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Hi Suzanne

Thanks for your extremely kind and moral boosting words. Reading what you have written has given me even more strength and determination on getting through an extremely bad period in my life. Its sickening when I think about how much of a mess I got into. Having a strong family network has been instrumental in my recovery and we as the victim do not appreciate the strain and stress we put on our partners and families when it comes out. 

People like me get inspiration from you, especially with how long you are in your recovery. I've just started out but see you as an example to follow and stay focussed and committment to the recovery program.

Keep in touch.

Best Wishes 

Brewster

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 19/07/2015 - 09:15

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Update

Bit of a difficult day yesterday mentally. Was feeling extremely low all day and my wife did notice this. Several things contributed to this I think, we spoke to my friend from abroad and made him aware of my situation, hearing my wife on the phone talking about what has happened brought everything flooding back and people visiting and again talking about why and have you tried this and that made it all come back. I appreciate that this isnt going to go away and people will talk and I somehow need to mentally be able to handle this and not go into a depressed mood. I will figure something out on this.

We spoke to our friend and his reaction wasnt a surprise to us. He's a very honourable man but had his business head on as well. He's said he will help us navigate to the other side of this tumultuos sea and he's committed to be at my side over the coming months if I'm true and honest with everything or else he will have to change direction. He has also stated he will be over sooner then later to give guidance and support and see me personally. He's worried about how the family are coping and my mental state. We will be speaking to him again today. 

On the house front we accepted the offer and the wheels are in motion now to get that piece of the jigsaw sorted.

I have an interview next Tuesday and have been preparing for this and looking forward to seeing how it goes. I need to get into employment as when I'm working and keeping occupied I dont think of gambling. Also having a focus on work and doing something meaningful is what I thrive on. Getting a job will also makes things alot easier in the short term for housing, food etc as I'm not bringing anything in now.

We are going to my brothers house today and staying over. He's been a great help on my CV, job hunting and generally kicking my****. All round everyone has been sterling and providing lots of support. I sometimes feel I'm an unnecessary burden to them especially this late in their lives they should be doing other more fun things then worrying about me.

Yesterday my daughter and I sold online our old CD / DVD's that we hadnt used or seen in years and raised £84 pounds from it. When I was helping her input online the bar code and getting the value of items ranging from 1p to £8 it all sunk in again that the evil gambling has caused this and we are scrapping the barrel to get money in. When we entered an old CD in and it fetched £2.99 the highest value, she just burst out laughing which made me smile. We also put items of furniture on gumtree to sell and hopefully will get some responses in next few days.

Feeling more upbeat today. Have a good day everyone.

 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 21/07/2015 - 10:19

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Update

Spent the weekend at my brothers as kids were staying over for the week with their cousins. Good visit and brother did some straight talking on how to control things going forward which was good. 

House sale will continue to go through so we need to step up the look for the rental going forward.

Off to my interview today so fingers crossed it goes well.

I still get reminded by people of what I've done and them trying to understand it more in detail. I guess this will go on for a long period of time. Need to somehow take it on and not let it get me down like it does now. Need to remain positive. 

Better get ready for the interview.

Thanks

 

 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 22/07/2015 - 22:33

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Update

Went and had my interview for 1st job yesterday and went well. Should find out early next week on whether I'm successful. Also have another interview on Friday so a busy week preparing for those.

House sale is moving along and trying to sell things on Gumtree. Harder then you think.

Havnt been thinking of gambling which is good and really focussed on trying to get things fixed and the job part is biggest next hurdle.

Calling it a night.

Posted on:
Thu, 23/07/2015 - 07:56

I wished

Joined:
2014-04-25

Great going, selling the house is stressful enough lol, without having job interviews too.

Keep going and keep winning.

Suzanne xxx

Posted on:
Sat, 25/07/2015 - 08:04

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Thanks Suzanne for inspiring words. Keeping positive and moving forward little by little is progress.

I had my second interview yesterday and think it went well. I'm hoping to hear back on both jobs next week.

Things are little more settled at home as well but constant reminders popping up which are expected. My wife and famy have been very supportive and I'm so lucky to have them.

Another day without a gamble.

Enjoy weekend

Posted on:
Sat, 25/07/2015 - 08:22

Dazz1982

Joined:
2015-04-20

Hi Brewster

Hope you get good news regarding your job search.

I have read your diary and it is great you have a supportive family members, I know it can be hard when your wife is discussion your gambling with others but you have to embrace this, as gamblers we were habitual liars and secretive, in recovery we have to be open and honest and the more people that know the more barriers you have in place shoukd the opportunity to gamble arise again.

Wish you all the best in your recovery, today is a good day, today is a gamble free day.

Posted on:
Mon, 27/07/2015 - 07:46

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Thanks Daz. You are completely right and I have accept and embrace my surroundings. On Saturday things were extremely difficult and very tense and the whole day was spent venting and reminding me of what I had done. Think it was her way of releasing and reminding me of the dire situation we are in and what damage this will have on the kids. I cannot and do not respond as she's right but it does send you in a downer mood and you loose all confidence and dare not do anything or say anything around her in case it's perceived as wrong and get my head bit off. This silence and non action is also perceived as bad as it looks like I'm not doing anything so I'm stuck in the middle. I don't want any sympathy but just detailing how things are.

Should hopefully find out some news on one of the jobs today so fingers crossed.

Will be making a list of jobs to do today. Clean garage and start organing things and fill some boxes will be good. Kids are home so will get them to help me.

Helped nephew\bro with some decorating yesterday which was good as it took my mind of things and rewarding as I was giving my time in helping someone. Need to do more of that and do jobs where no money is involved. Part of my recovery I read and was told. It did feel good after I finished.

Not sure how the atmosphere will be this week but I will try remaining positive and focus on my list and if people feel the need to remind me of my problems then I have to find a good way of dealing with it. Being moody and defensive only makes things worse.

Anyway let's see what today brings.

Posted on:
Tue, 28/07/2015 - 07:39

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Hi

Good day overall yesterday. Full of activity.

Spent the morning clearing the garage with my daughter and making space for boxes before our move.

Didnt hear back from the job I thought but from another who have taken me forward to a final interview which surprised me nicely yesterday. Sometimes I'm quite self critical and didn't think I did a good interview last week but headhunter said they liked me :). Should hopefully hear back on the other job today.

Had a good productive evening with the Mrs sorting practical things on the house out. She still had her digs but I did say to her my displeasure of the constant sniping. I know and appreciate it won't go away but had to say something.

Had alot of calls yesterday and a particular friend gave sound good sound advice as usual.

Kids seemed alot happier yesterday and I think the good news on the job front has lifted their moods. The played monopoly for hours yesterday and it was fun hearing them laughing and joking. Might take them to cinema today.

Will continue to apply for other jobs and redo CV as until I have a confirmed offer in my hand I need a backup plan.

Catch u later

Posted on:
Wed, 29/07/2015 - 08:06

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Hi

Things from a work perspective are coming together now. My fortunes seems to have changed since I been praying each morning and talking to my mum and dad and telling them of my days plans and what things I've achieved. Doing this daily has given me a focus and a sense of responsibility as I don't think I could stand there and say I done anything bad and dare to let them down. They sacrificed everything for us so the family could have a better life. I want them to be proud of me and I'm going to work hard and focus on doing that.

On job front I have one meeting today which if the guy gets on with me and we click then offer will be on my desk next Tuesday.

I then have another final interview for 2nd job tomorrow so fingers crossed for that. Need to do lots of prep for that one. I think I've crossed every part of my body this week :))

Will be going to GA tomorrow as missed a few sessions.

Big part of our missing jigsaw is now finding a home after we sell. Had a good productive chat with Mrs and need to do math on income after job offers come in. Short term we need to do the right thing for kids and get them settled early. They seem much happier now that something on the job front is imminent and there mood has changed for the better.

I'm appreciating the value of money as well and my wife goes that I've survived on £20 for 4 weeks now and reinforcing the value again.

Well better get ready for meeting today.

Another day without a gamble and feeling so much better.

Posted on:
Thu, 30/07/2015 - 07:26

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Day 30 of recovery

Been a long month but so glad I've had no urges to gamble and don't feel the need to. I wish I'd come forward earlier and said something.

Good day yesterday and interview went well. Off to another one today and hopefully will have 2 jobs to review and decide over the weekend.

Homelife seems more settled now and positive and this has given me a boost to get things done.

Speak soon

Posted on:
Sat, 01/08/2015 - 08:19

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Day 32

Had a good productive week and got the job situation sorted yesterday. So happy that is all sorted.

Next step is finding a rental home to live in. We've seen a few in the paper and I think we make a decision sooner then later as they get snapped up so fast when coming on the market.

Home life is better and mentally less stressful now I have a job. Focus still remains on my recovery and attending GA classes and talking to family and friends. I don't get the urges I used to on gambling and don't think about it whenever I have any downtime. I constantly remind myself why I'm in this situation and never want to go back. I'm going to focus on my family and working extremely hard in my new job. I know I can build things back up again as I'm a fighter and determined.

Another thing which had been discussed in GA and some family and friends is to go and do something for others and get satisfaction in helping with no financial reward. Today I'm going to my nephews to help decorate with my family. I went last week to help him and it felt great giving my time to do it. All my life I've focussed on work, with long hours, and never did this regularly and will change now going forward.

Well better get ready for decorating.

Another day without a gamble and feeling good inside.

Posted on:
Mon, 03/08/2015 - 07:28

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Day 34

Horrid weekend had. My wife understandably was upset with me and it all came out over weekend and I was the blame for this. Kids did not listen when asked to do certain jobs which escalated the issues. Many bad things said, which I know she means, and I don't blame her. I'm trying to fix things but feel she wants wants to punish me further for want I've done. I have to take it and remain focussed and positive.

I been told to go help and do something for others and spent Saturday / Sunday, with my kids, helping my nephew decorate. Not sure this went down well as I have work / packing at home which needed doing. Anything I do is wrong I think. I hope things don't stay like this for to long.

No urges to gamble which is good and reading a book on compulsive gambling which has some good insight into how our minds tick. Got some good takeaways from it.

Start new job tomorrow and looking forward to doing something productive and start earning again.

Anyway let's see how this week progresses

Posted on:
Mon, 03/08/2015 - 07:58

I wished

Joined:
2014-04-25

Hi Brewster,

Well done on 34 days, I think you have and are doing amazing, I know it's not nice to keep being told about what we did, (We know what we did). It's hard enough as it is without keep being reminded.

But having said that your wife has been through hell and back too, we have to give them time, it's all very much a one day at a time. My OH after 15 months still has those digs, (especially when those adverts come on for fun bingo and slots)

Try not to let it get to you, your wife has to vent out too, she will be having alsorts of different emotions, and none of this is her fault. But she may at times think what did she do wrong, and we know she hasn't done anything wrong.

Ridiculous as it sounds, we do have to be selfish in our recovery, we have to think and look after ourselves, and if helping someone to decorate helps as part of a tool in your recovery, that's good for you, but not your wife.

Moving is very very stressful (am in the proceeds too of selling our house, no buyer yet though lol)

Your wife will be feeling very stressed with moving (never mind the aftermath of gambling)

I know it's not easy for everyone to do this, but do you talk to each other about your addiction, your feelings and hers.

It's along road, but you have to be kind to yourself and of course your wife who has suffered even more in different ways.

I admire how you have dealt with your recovery, you have moved forward quickly, but maybe your wife does not move as fast as you, (if that makes sense).

Try and really put yourself in your wife's shoes, and think how would you cope if you were the innocent and injured party, it will help you to stay calm and strong.

You are doing amazing and so is your wife.

Recovery is very much one day at a time, 

Take care

Suzanne xx

 

Posted on:
Tue, 04/08/2015 - 07:11

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Hi Suzanne

Thanks for your comments. You are completely right and this is a huge episode for my wife to deal with. The move and finding a new home will add additional unnecessary stress.

The kids are feeling the tension and are rebelling a little by not doing things. I know they are teenagers but I have spoken to them that we need there support in doing some things around the house etc. They said they understand and will help.

I appreciate your note on staying calm and strong and will do that as things can easily get out of control. I need to sit with her and make a list of things to be done. I will do that today. Due to all the tension and shouting recently I've not focussed on that and need to put that back on track.

Taking things one day at a time is right. Another day without a gamble.

Thanks again

Posted on:
Thu, 06/08/2015 - 07:25

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Day 36

It's been a quieter last few days and things more settled at home. Started new job yesterday and went in to sort out the administrative things on contract, car, laptop etc and was great getting back into things again. The people are extremely nice and welcoming and this job will give me a great focus and determination to get back on track.

No thoughts about gambling either. The way out of this situation is working hard and doing things the right way. I drum that into myself each day.

Need to sort out the rental house and will arrange to go see a place we both liked. Fingers crossed.

Keeping strong and focused.

Thanks

Posted on:
Thu, 06/08/2015 - 08:22

I wished

Joined:
2014-04-25

Good news about your new job, and I hope you get the right rental home that you and your family will all like.

Stay strong.

Suzanne xx

Posted on:
Tue, 11/08/2015 - 06:28

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Day 41

Thanks Suzanne.

Been a good few days keeping busy and taking each day as it comes. Starting work is great and will occupy my mind and give me a great focus.

Not had any gambling thoughts. I thought Saturday would have been harder with the premiership starting but I didn't think once of putting a bet on and just sat and enjoyed football focus with my son instead of trying to get an angle on what team was going to win. I was really proud of myself.

Just finished reading a book called ' Born to lose ' by Bill Lee and found it a very captivating and humbling read. I could relate to his story and appreciate that things can can wrong so quickly even after stopping gambling for a long period like Bill had. Attending the GA meetings and following the 12 Step programming was his savior. It also encouraged you to give something back to society with voluntary work and start simplying your life and not be so materialist and focussed on money. Imagine what it would be like to live a simple life. I would definitely recommend anyone who's in recovery to get this book.

1st official day on job was good and really looking forward to the challenges that lay ahead.

Another day without a gamble.

Posted on:
Wed, 12/08/2015 - 06:21

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Day 42

Good day yesterday at work and really looking forward to the challenge and opportinites. So many projects on the horizon.

I have managed to get alot done in a short time in my recovery and I think people are worried about this and not beleiving me when I say I've acheived something. The past lying is a major stumbling block and the trust has been lost and needs to be regained which I truly understand. It will take time but I will do it.

Need to still sort out the rental housing. Not many new one coming up but I have my fingers crossed something will come up in next few weeks.

Kids are more settled and happy. Think getting the job and seeing me working has given them alot of comfort. They are always a constant reminder to me that I cannot afford to relapse ever again.

Family And friends continue to be a great support and I feel bad having to take up so much of there time. They have better things to do then babysit me. Shows how lucky I am having this network and support. I need to contact them more often and keep them informed of my progress on home and work life. That's something I need to take onboard. I sometimes feel like I'm a huge burden when constantly having to ring or write to them but going silent is not the answer.

I've continued with my praying in the mornimg and use this as a way of informing my mum and dad of what I'm going to do in the day and how the day before went. I find it quite therapeutic that I tell them this as I never had the opportunity to show what I had acheived before and feel I've let them down with my gambling addiction and what's happened recently. By speaking to them I feel I cannot let them down and they are looking down at me giving me inspirational support and proud of how I'm dealing with it. I've got this in my head and its a good positive thought to carry around and remind myself that they are constantly looking over me. This may sound daft but I'm saying things as they are.

Busy day today so better get ready.

Another day and no urges to gamble.

Posted on:
Fri, 14/08/2015 - 06:08

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Day 44

Week has gone fast and successfully completed another week without even thinking of a bet. Starting my new job has kept me very busy and given me a new focus and nenewed energy.

Need to start rebuilding the trust back from people. It will be a long journey but I will prove to myself and others I can do this.

Went to GA last night and this is important in my recovery. Hearing the stories reminds you of where you were and you never want to go back.

My wife has been great but I can see all this taking a toll. Shes extremely stressed and I can see this physically and mentally effecting her. I'm taking more on with her as she slowly starts to trust me and we always do things together.

Another day without a gamble.

Posted on:
Sat, 15/08/2015 - 08:24

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Day 45

Finished my 1st week and being busy and active at work has been good and kept my mind active and focussed.

The new job will bring added pressure as I will be travelling and away from home and will be entertaining customers / colleagues etc which will require me having my driving licence and a credit card. This is a big hurdle to cross as I need to gain her trust and confidence but same time do not want to compromise myself at work.

No thoughts on gambling and when I see any adverts I just think of it as evil and what hurt is has caused me.

Wife is coping admirably but still very stressed out with this all. Do not blame her and this feeling of disappointment and failure will always be their. I need to accept this and try do my best to fix things.

Another day without a gamble.

Posted on:
Mon, 17/08/2015 - 22:05

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Day 47

Mixed feelings today. I thought getting a job and starting to be positive in fixing things will make things a little easier but its gone in the other direction. I understand that I'm never goner be trusted again and people hate me for what i done but I feel some people just don't want me to succeed and get out this mess. Things at home have been high tension and my frame of mind is not good. Negative comments and certain peoples behaviour towards me is not productive. I'm trying super hard and trying to remain positive and will ignore these negative comments. Certain peoples behavior sends me into a dark lonely place. I'm going to focus hard on my work and try get some calm back in the home life.

This negativity around me makes me think to much about things with no focus and direction and is not good. I know I have to take the abuse and comments but there must come a time when people look forward and be positive in there comments and approach and not keep bringing up the past. What I did was wrong and despicable and I understand that and will pay for it the rest of my life. I just want a rest bite from the sniping and comments.

Apologies if I'm sounding selfish or out of turn but its how I'm feeling at the moment.

Won't say anything more but will remain strong

Posted on:
Wed, 09/09/2015 - 22:11

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Day 69

Apologies for not updating my blog. I've been attending my GA sessions and talking to family and making my through this situation.

Things are more settled at home and my wife and I are working through things with support from family. Kids started back at school yesterday and we were really proud of them. They are always at the forefront of my mind and a focus for me to make sure I don't mess up again.

GA sessions are good and definitely recommend people in recovery to attend. Seeing and listening to other peoples stories is a constant reminder that you cannot afford to mess up. I guy from the session hadn't gambled for 14yrs and he had a bet last week. His wife had left him and it triggered a series of events which lead him to gambling. It's important to keep a stable environment around you and positive thoughts and keep focus on the right things.

Work is going good and very busy which is great as keeps my mind occupied.

I don't think about gambling anymore and can watch a game of football without having a worry on the result. I'm able to block it out my mind and think of it as evil and a nasty thing and it only brings pain.

We are still looking for our rental and fingers crossed something comes up soon.

Another day without a gamble.

Good nite x

Posted on:
Sun, 27/09/2015 - 07:42

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Day 86 of recovery

No thoughts or urges enter my mind and I feel so much better for it. I've been keeping active with work, which is extremely busy, and focussing on doing a good job and staying on top of things.

I've been a little lapse in keeping family informed this week on my progress but mainly because I've had long days and been working most evenings to finish some projects. Also other personal things are happening which need everyone's focus and attention and I don't want to be seen as a burden in this difficult time. Mentally I'm in a good place and have my focus and controls so everyone around me should take comfort I won't do anything silly and relapse. I've made my mistakes and don't want to go back their.

House situation is moving on and we just need to set the exchange dates and get move plan sorted.

Things at home are quieter and stable as we start to put building blocks in place for the future.

Will be going to my GA today. Missed last week as had to finish some projects for work. It's actually good having a break as then you have something to say at next meeting. I also have a fear that I will meet someone who knows me at the meeting and this will cause me work problems going forward.

Keeping strong and have no desire or urge to gamble. Speak soon.

Posted on:
Sun, 27/09/2015 - 08:36

dessieboy

Joined:
2010-12-13

Hi just read your diary. I'm a bit behind you as I'm only 14 days in. Just wanted to say how impressed I am in your approach. You've realised immediately the need for total openness and embraced it completely. I once stopped for a decent period but did it secretly and ended up drifting back. I'm doing it right this time with the support of my amazing gf. She occasionally snipes at me but hey I cant blame her! Keep talking and keep up the good work

Posted on:
Tue, 13/10/2015 - 19:20

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Day 110 of recovery

The recovery is continuing to go well and keeping extremely busy with work has been a great focus for me and its inbuilt in me now that hard work and dedication is going to get me through this.

My mind has been a little to focussed on work and other family issues and I've probably not been focusing on myself and the recovery. I've missed a few GA classes now and need to get back on that. Again more from a reminder perspective and remembering what you have done and not to do it again.

My wife is getting extremely stressed with things and I've taken more of the load off her. She still controls the finances but I organise the cash flow and show were we are at and will be going forward.

House situation is getting sorted and will be concluded by the end of the month, so another box ticked.

Need to be wary of the stress levels as I'm working considerably long hours and taken more on then I ever have. Important thing is I'm enjoying my work and its given me a focus.

No thoughts on gambling enter my head and I havnt had the urhe either. It doesn't do anything for me. I see lots of gsmbling commercials and now just look away and don't think about it.

Must continue to focus like I have and tick more boxes on my recovery.

Posted on:
Wed, 14/10/2015 - 09:25

I wished

Joined:
2014-04-25

Well done on 111 days, 

Don't forget to be kind to you, my friend, 

Suzanne xxx

Posted on:
Wed, 31/01/2018 - 16:40

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Hi all

Cannot believe I'm writing this but I've relapsed again and done exactly what I did originally. I went through a really good period and kept busy and focussed on the right things but the urge came back and I've disappointed my family again.

The problem is severe as I've borrowed also off friends and family who trusted me. I'm really gutted I've let everyone down who supported me the 1st time. Money that should have been used for my kids Universities has been wasted.

I've been thinking why I've got into this mess as I was doing so well. One second I'm a kind, caring and thoughtful guy and they I switch into this other person who's looses all perspective when gambling.

Need to get back on the GA programming again and get help.

I'm so sorry for disappointed my family again.

I'm still trying to get my head around this and went today with my brother to self exclude from the casinos today.

Posted on:
Wed, 31/01/2018 - 18:05

sunshine16

Joined:
2012-05-26

Hi brewster180 so sorry to see you've had a relapse :( i know right now you'll be thinking all kinds of crazy things and mostly asking yourself why ? i know this as i too have relapsed and been gambling the past 3 months after being gamble free for over 2 years ! i can't offer much advice as still don't really understand why i did it after all that time ? but what i will say is its never to late to start again ! 

The money has gone so you need to let it go and try and pick yourself up again .I know it won't be easy but hopefully with enough support around you you can get back to that good gamble free place again .

Take care and please be kind to yourself :) we never asked to be wired up like this ! Sunshine x 

Posted on:
Fri, 02/02/2018 - 17:23

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Thanks Sunshine for your words of support. It's going to be tough as I've let everyone down who supported me before and all trust and respect is lost. Not really sure I can earn it back as people are really disappointed and I don't blame them. It's going to be a long, hard and tough journey. I'm not a quitter, even if people think bad things of me for what I've done, and I'm going to work hard to get things back on track with work being at the forefront with my recovery.

It's hard to explain what we do and I definitely agree we are wired differently.

I'm focusing on work and have an interview next week which fingers cross will be positive and start getting some significant funds back in. The strange thing with me is that my focus on researching for this job and practicing for the interview completely blocks out any thoughts on gambling. When my brain is engaged and I've something to focus on I don't get urges. They come when I have time and nothing to focus on. Need to come up with a plan of how I fix that.

I'm going to contact the local counseling people off gamcare and try get a face to face meeting as I've been told my problem is more phycological and I need to see how they can help and advise. Has anyone used the free service off here.

The family are devasted I've relapsed the way I have and I understand there concern of me and what will he do next to get funds.

Better get back to my revision and keep you posted on my thoughts and progress. It's going to be a long journey but I'm going to beat this and get back on my feet and sort out my mess and provide for my family. Family reading this will probably think he said this before and don't believe me, which I don't blame them, but I'm going to beat this.

Posted on:
Fri, 02/02/2018 - 17:39

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Just read this article as trying to combat the urges and it's extremely useful on what techniques to adapt when urges come.

Although during the initial days or weeks of abstinence or moderation, especially after a long period of daily addictive behavior, you may experience many urges of strong and even increasing intensity. Recovering addicts of all types report that urges eventually peak in frequency, intensity, and duration, and then gradually, with occasional flare-ups, fade away. How long it will take for urges to peak, and how rapidly they will subside, depends on many factors, including the specific addiction, the length of the addiction, how successful the program of abstinence or moderation has been, and the strength of the developing alternative lifestyle. However, as a very broad guideline, within six months to one year most addicts will report only feeble urges (for instance, one a week, lasting a few minutes, a 1 or 2 on a 10 point scale).
It is also crucial not to take responsibility for the occurrence of the urge, but only your response to it. It is normal for any addict to experience urges, and just because on Sunday you decide to stop does not mean that on Monday you will not have urges. The fact that urges occur does not indicate that your motivation is weak, but that your addiction is strong. Because all habits have unconscious components, of which the urge is one, it will take time for these to die away. What is within your control, however, is how you respond to the urge. An analogy could be made to someone knocking at your front door. All sorts of individuals might knock at your door, but it is up to you to decide with whom you will talk. Their knocking is not your responsibility, but to what extent you choose to speak with them is.
Specific techniques for coping with urges include the following.
When an urge occurs, accept it, but keep it at a distance. Experience it as you would a passing thought, one which "comes in one ear and out the other". Detach yourself from it, and observe and study it as an outside object for a moment. Then return your attention to what you were previously doing. If the urge is intense, remember (and perhaps picture) your benefits of stopping/cutting back (which can be carried in your wallet or purse). Recall a "moment of clarity", a moment when changing your addictive behavior seemed almost without question the right course of action. Think your addictive behavior through to the end:
When an urge is present, you tend to think only of the Benefits of the Addiction, but completing the image to include the negative consequences that follow will give you a more accurate view of the whole scenario. If the urge is very intense, engage yourself in a distracting activity, one which you have enjoyed before and which will take your mind off the urge, or use a specific distraction technique, such as counting things (e.g., leaves on a plant, books on a shelf), doing arithmetic (e.g., continually subtracting 7 from 1000, 993, 986, etc.), or focusing on alphabetical/verbal games (e.g., saying the alphabet backwards, reading signs backwards, searching book titles or license plates for the alphabet, etc.). Any simple activity conducted at high speed can fill up your attention, thereby allowing no attention for the urge. Any thought or activity on which you completely focus your attention is all that is needed, because if no attention is paid to the urge, then it will no longer exist. Although another urge may come along at any point, that urge also can be dealt with in a similar fashion. Over time the urges come less frequently, as already stated.
To summarize these urge coping techniques, all urges should be accepted. Low level urges can be observed but kept at a distance. Attention can then be re-directed to whatever one was paying attention to prior to the urge. More intense urges can be "counterargued" by reviewing in some fashion the benefits of not engaging in the addictive behavior, and the facts about urges mentioned above (e.g., all urges go away eventually; they are uncomfortable but not unbearable unless I blow them out of proportion;). Very intense urges can be dealt with using some form of distraction, repeated as necessary. All urges eventually go away.

Posted on:
Sun, 04/02/2018 - 12:04

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Constantly thinking why this has happened again and think about the life I did have and could be having if I didnt have this addiction to gambling. Scary how I was oblivious to what I was doing again and the impact it was going to have. Need to remained focussed this time and work is going to play a big part.

Went for a long walk with wife and friends today and mentally feel better and focussed. Need to get a grip tomorrow of the scale of my issue and will do that tomorrow with my brother. Need to set up a recovery plan on how I get back on track. 

Need to get confirmation on the interview for a job this week.  I have to be careful as I'll be on a high getting ready for this and my brother warned that if it doesnt go my way then you will be on that low and very vunerable and this is something I need to start dealing with and controlling. It's the way I'm wired I'm told that I have highs and lows and no middle ground.  

Will be calling the counselling contacts on gamcare tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment to talk to a professional and see if they can understand and advise on why I do what I do.

 

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 04/02/2018 - 18:17

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

I've been thinking more about what I've done today and I cannot comprehend that I've relapsed the way I have. Taking advantage of people and lying and not thinking of the consequences. My family must be at the end of there wits with trying to understand why especially after being where I had been in 2016 and not being there for my brother and being away from my family. One brother said I havn't fully grieved the passing of my brother and talked about him and the fun times we used to have. I was his closet and he constantly talked about me when he was ill. What a horrible person I've turned out to be. I never used to be like this.

I need to open up more and stop being defensive and express my thoughts and feelings. I'm constantly thinking people are out to catch me out and feeling very insecure. Not there fault as they are looking out for my interests. Need to talk more about my feelings with my wife as she to is extremely worried and I'm concerned on her health and what impact this anxiety is going to cause. Sleepness nights worrying about it all and all because I couldnt stop the urges.

I think talking to a counsellor who is not connected to me and opening up will be good. There must have been a trigger point in my life that sparked this behavior. My wife made a good point that when we lived abroad we were surrounded by a lot of wealth and I aspired to be like that and probably would have got there if I didnt gamble. I need to get the old person I was back and focus on whats important to me. Its going to be a long slog as people have zero trust in me now but I've got to prove people wrong and and get back on my feet and feel proud again. I need to take on board the advice and comments and not take things personally as people are saying these tough things to get it into my thick skull.  and She reminded me that people used to respect me and look up to me and now look at me now. Useless and pathetic.

Apologies but this post was just to clear my head and remind myself what an idiot I've been and I need to fix this and remain fixed. 

Posted on:
Thu, 08/02/2018 - 18:16

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

I've now arranged a sessions with the counsellor from Gamcare and have that on 20th of this month. They must be really busy. They have a good structure approach to the sessions and probe into many different elements.

Had some sad news in the family with my brother and feel so bad having my problems over hanging and he's going through a very worrying time health wise. Puts things in perspective. He's been a really big support, as with 2 other brothers, and they keeping in regular contact and guiding but I need to fix things myself.

Had job interview yesterday and made final two. Should hopefully find out late next week on next interview date. Fingers and everything else is crossed. Need to land this to be a base from where I can work from and repair the damage done. 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 13/02/2018 - 19:16

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Latest update :

Had a good heart to heart over weekedn with certain family members and have an action plan to follow and get on the path to recovery. I'm so lucky to have the family's support after this episode but I they are deeply upset and dissapointed I've relapsed the way I have.

I speak more to my wife about things, whether they be good or bad, and she's not in a good place with everything thats gone on. I've jeapordised the family's future again and its going to be a steeper hill to climb. I dont blame her and fully appreciate her comments to me. 

I met with a counsellor from Aquarius who are an agent of gamcare to talk through my situation and it was good to speak to someone outside the family about whats happened and try and put things into some perspective. We both agreed that time is an issue and occupying it is number one priority and securing work. We discussed briefly then how we occupy the remainder of the time and remain active and continue with your sports as it keeps the mind occupied and keeps you fit and healthy.  The sleepness nights and worries about everything is back but I've got to remain focussed. 

On the job front I've made the final two of one job which I should hear about by the end of the week and had a chat with a headhunter on Monday with regard to other one in the suth and should get indication if I've got an interview by tomorrow hopefully. Fingers crossed.

Big day also for my older brother who health wise had some bad news and we are seeing the consultant tomorrow. Puts into perspective that he's worried about his life and I have a healthy one and throwing it away. Exactly the same as before when all this happened and I had another brother get cancer and I behaved the way I did and throw things away. I still didnt learn. 

I've been reading up about bipolar disorders and when I read the symptoms I can relate to my mood swings on the highs and the lows. Everything they explain about the way we feel and the way we react was a true reflection of me. I need to look more into this, especially the hypomanic episodes.

 

Posted on:
Sun, 18/02/2018 - 18:40

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Have kept busy since my last post.

On my recovery my brother has been a stalwart and constantly on my case. I need to take more responsibility and put my recovery plan down on paper with action plans etc and inform certain family members of my progress. I've a online video conference with the gamcare counsellor on Tuesday and looking forward to that. Will be good discussing what I've done with an independent professional who won't judge and give advice instead of criticism.

I've also have the number from Aquarius the independent counsellor who I met last week and will make another meeting with him after I've spoken to the gamcare people.

I've spoken more to my wife and she is really upset. The money side eats her up and she constantly reminds me of what we had and could have today. I think it's her way of getting me to understand the severity of what I've done. I do think alot about my kids and how I've messed up there secure future. They are my focus point to get this mess sorted out and back on track.

I constantly think about what the hell I've done and it sickens me at the core. How can we behave in such a selfish way when we are gambling and ignore everything we love and care for. I've been reading more about bipolar and it mirrors my behaviour. Need to get some books out on it and focus in how people deal with it and minimise the impacts to others.

On work front i had 2 interviews for a job down south and find out tomorrow if successful. Fingers crossed.

Need to keep focussed and busy. I've a massive uphill task to get any form of trust back but it's all my doing.

Posted on:
Sun, 18/02/2018 - 23:06

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Hello brewster,

It can't be easy to have told people about this again but you had the awareness and strength to know it had to be done so respect to you for that. It sounds like you have a great family willing to support you through this. As you say some will be, understandably upset/angry about this. It doesn't always even feel possible to explain to ourselves why we do this, let alone a non-gambler.

Recovery is as important as not betting so make sure you allow yourself the time and help you need to work this one out for yourself. I heard you talk about getting back to GA or if not (or as well as) look into counselling. Sometimes just talking this out loud/heard people repeat back to us what we say can start to paint the picture of our "why" we gamble and we then have options to improve this area. I know its not easy but try be a little kinder to yourself moving forwards. Gambling can be a form of self punishment. Its not going to be easy but you are worth recovery.

Good luck with the job hunting. I'll be around here. One day at a time you can rebuild.

All the best =)

Posted on:
Wed, 28/02/2018 - 11:18

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

I've had a busy week since my last post.

Had my 1st session with the counsellor at Gamcare and good to be able to talk to a professional about my condition. They dont judge and offer sensible advice on how to counter urges and explains a little on why we do what we do. I've been put on the list and hopefully should be able to join an online group session soon.

The Gambling Commissions report on fining ************ was good news. WH was my poison and when reading the GC report I saw similarities to myself where if they had followed through with there policies and checks or source of funds I wouldnt be in the mess I am today. These firms need to be made more accountable and take responsibility for the heartache they cause when continually taking deposits from problem gamblers. 

Family again have been very supportive and just want to get me fixed. Had some tough love discussions with them and think it gives them opportunity to vent and get things out of there systems as they come to terms with what I've done. Sister rang today and its 1st time she's spoken to me and she vented off in a very harse way whoch I dont blame her. She's really upset with the way I have relapsed and all the lies I've been telling to get cash. I accept everything said to me but had to cut her off as my head went into a dark place and I started to panic and get jiterry. I'm guessing this is a normal reaction to when someone is telling you the hard facts of life and what you have done.

Relationship with wife is a little more settled as my job searching is progressing. She's had to take on a lot and not really sure hows she's coping. We do talk a lot more and both agree we need to stick together to get through this but this really is my last chance saloon on this. She does say that if anyone can get themselves out of this mess its me and that I have got my energy and focus back on the job hunting. Need to get a plan on paying my debts back and this will kick start when I land a job. Its at the forefront of my mind to start this asap.

On the work front I'm getting a lot more enquiries from the headhunters and hopefully will land one soon. The two really promissing ones said I was over qualified. I've a interview on Friday which fingers crossed it all goes well.

Posted on:
Wed, 28/02/2018 - 11:24

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Hi sjwsjw

Thanks for your note. I think you are right about the talking part and I do that a lot more with family then I did before. I do read the posts on the forum on a regular basis to remind myself of the horrors of gambling. 

Job hunting is going ok and interview on Friday so fingers crossed on that. I really need to land one soon. This whole things just adds more pressure to myself but it is what it is. 

Keep in touch.

Posted on:
Thu, 08/03/2018 - 09:22

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Been keeping busy since my last post but my last one seems to have dissapeared off here.

Read the article on the recent fine to the major gaming company by the Gaming commission and glad they taking action on protecting vunerable gamblers. Brought back alot of old memories reading the article and keep thinking how did I get dragged into this world. 

Been busy on the job hunting and had secomd interview yesterday for a role and fingers crossed that we get to the next stage next week. Continuing to search elsewhere as well to keep the momentum going. Your mind gets consumed with waiting for the results of the interview and need to counter this with something else.

My brothers keeps in touch with one particular who I talk to daily to debrief on what I've been up to in the day and what I'm going to do the next day. I regularily think about how I've got into this situation as I was the younger brother who had acheived something and always helping people and now being a jobless, penniless person with nothing. I cannot believe I'm in this mess. Need to stay focussed and land one of these jobs to start getting some respect and pride back in myself.

I do think and reflect more on what I have done and the pain I have caused my family. The wife and I do talk alot about why and she does continue to remind me about this and ensure I keep it at the forefront of my mind and that you should not be tempted to go down this route again. Gambling thoughts do enter the mind every now and then but I automatically think about my family and what I could provide for them to rid those thoughts. Hurting my family is one of the major dissapointments of my life and I never want to go back their. I need to protect and build for their future again.  

I've received my date for the group counselling session from gamcare and looking forward to attending this as seems a very structured program with relevent subjects and a smaller group. Its on 19th March and you have to prepare for the meeting by completing online questionnaires to make the meeting for meaningful. 

Keeping focussed and taking ach day at a time as I believe can can get us out this mess. 

Posted on:
Tue, 13/03/2018 - 15:56

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Week 7 into my recovery and update on what I've been up to since last post

I've received my date for my gamcare counselling session which is on 19th and looking forward to this and listening and hearing to how others have coped with the condition we have. The structured approach is better for me as I like plans and knowing the topics we going to cover.

I've self excluded from the bookies as well today as that was one loophole left. No avenues to gamble now and its all about the recovery and getting back on my feet and providing a stable base for my family.

On the work front it taking a little bit longer then I expected on this one job where I've made the final two. Need to do an assessment and one more interview then fingers and everything else crossed. Also continued to apply for other jobs as well. Need to land one as really important to my recovery is working. My brother also advises me to deal with the negatives and how will I cope if it doesnt go my way. I'll go from my positive high to a low and we need to keep an eye on this. I'm mentally preparing for it by applying for other jobs and keeping my options open. Also waiting for a response on the job front is a frustrating part of the process which I'm beginning to deal with mentally and accepting.

Had a long chat with my brother today and cover many topics and he did touch on one at the end on how I'm mentaly coping and did I have any thoughts on suicide. Difficult subject to bring up with anyone but I'm glad he did as I'm in a reasonable frame of mind and not thinking of anything of that nature. My mind is thinking postively and to the future and seeing my family grow up and me being there for them. Also need to go talk to other family members more and keep them informed on my progress and how I'm going to pay the money back.

I do refelct alot on what I've done and this time I'm rying to face up to all my responsibilities as previously the family took over and drove the agenda. This time my brother, wife and I are tackling this and talking alot and putting plans and actions in place. I've let alot of people down and need to face up to my sins and fix what i've done.

A couple of my friends (K & R) know and I'll be taling to them a few times each week to check in and inform them of my progress and have someone from outside the family to talk to if I need to.

Need to also face up to the people I borrowed money from and explain how I'm going to pay it all back.

Still keeping the focus and looking forward and reamining positive to fix the carnage I've left behind. 

Posted on:
Tue, 20/03/2018 - 18:19

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Week 8 into my recovery

Had my first meeting online yesterday with Gamcare and think the structured approach and having a plan and setting goals is the right approach for me. Just talking and sharing expereinces at GA didnt get to the route cause with me and I think these online sessions will dig deeper and set me with a plan for recovery. The group is varied and you get plenty of airtime to discuss your feelinsg and also help the other guys. Looking forward to the session next week.

I've set goals also as part of the online session which are :- 

  • Getting a job and bringing some income in. I’m in final two of a position locally which should get finalised in next few weeks. Issue is if this does not happen and I’ve been applying for the jobs as well. Need to rethink approach if it doesn’t come off and take temping job.
  • Need to talk to the people I have borrowed money from and need to explain why I haven’t paid and agree a payment plan. Need to do this immediately after getting job and formulate a payment plan.
  • Need to repair the damaged relationships I’ve created. My relationship with my wife is strained and will take alot to fix. Getting a job, sacrificing things, paying my debts and volunteering work will help. Need to demonstrate to my family that I want to get fixed and get back on the right track. I do speak to my brothers and couple of friends on regular basis and controlling my urges by thinking about what’s important to me, like my family and the devastation gambling has had on our family.
  • Need to sacrifice some things and show I’m prepared to give up things which I take for granted . Will stop drinking alcohol and eating meat from today until June 28th 2018 which is my brother who passed aways birthday and have a toast for him. 
  • Need to weekly read and update my Gamcare blog so I keep at the forefront of my mind that gambling does not work
  • Need to do some volunteer work to give something back and get that sense of empathy and feeling of helping others. Will fill in application for Hope Charity and hand in this week. Will help cooking breakfast on Saturday mornings for the homeless.

The second big task from the online sessions was prioritising the goals and using the ' wheel of life ' process to do this. We do this from a work perspective so was interesting doing this personally. The 10 points are as follows:-

Wife

The wife and I had a wonderful relationship before all this blew up. We had our ups and downs like most couples but we loved each other. The impact of my compulsive gambling has caused a massive void in our relationship and all trust and respect has been lost. Its up to me now to prove I can change and want her back.

Kids

I feel terrible the impact and situation I have put our kids in. Their stable financial future has been taken from them. I gave everything to my kids and they respected their dad so much. I need to earn that respect back and provide for their future.

Family

Both sides of the family from my wife’s and mine are completely devastated and dumbfounded by what I have done. They all respected me and looked up at me for what I had achieved. How quickly 20yrs of hard work can be tken from you and now you’re the terrible, evil and sefish gambler who’s ruined your families future and certain family members. Up to me now to show them I can be a good person and get back on track.

Work

Getting work is super important for my recovery as it will fill a large portion of my day and provide some needed income. I have always prided myself with my work and it’s really important I started feeling like that again. Mentally this is very important for me and will give me a sense of purpose again. Fingers crossed on the job and need to remain focussed on the assessment.

Health

It’s important to remain healthy as it’s so easy to let your go and low self esteem and lack of motivation is not good. I’m going to stop drinking today and stop eating meat until my brothers birthday in June. I will have a drink in memory of him on that day. It’s good to sacrifice something and give something back and I really like my food and doing this will be a big commitment. I’m borderline diabetic and this will improve that as well.

Personal Growth

This is one which I’ve put in for myself. I’m so disappointed with my behaviour and how everyone has lost respect with me. I’m going to work super hard and prove to myself that I can be a good person and can be trusted again and climb the scales from a work perspective. I need this to prove to myself that I’m not useless, an idiot and a waster (Just some things I’ve been told I am) and can do good and be focussed on the target.

Volunteering

I need to give something back and do enjoy helping others. I’ve filled the application to join Hope which is a charity which helps shelter homeless people and supply hot food and advice. They need someone to cook breakfasts on Saturday mornings. I will also help organise a few other charity events to raise money for local causes.

Fitness

I will continue to remain fit as it does give you a sense of achievement and helps keep your mind clear.

On the job front I've reached the final 2 and have an interview in the next 5 days with the management team so fingers crossed with that. Working will be a big contributor to getting me back on track.

Home life is okayish and think the wife is waiting with bated breath the news on the job front. Sons coming back from Uni this weekend for eatsr break and my daughter is focussing on the exams and helping her is good and rewarding and I get to spend some time with her.

Keep the focus and remain positive.

 

Posted on:
Wed, 21/03/2018 - 16:12

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Mate you can do it, in a very similar position to you and can relate to what your going through.  Take it one day at a time and no doubt you will get everything lost eventually always remember your end goal !!

Good luck my friend.

Harry

Posted on:
Mon, 26/03/2018 - 11:00

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Week 9 into my recovery

Have my gamcare session tonight and we are going to focus on reasons for gambling.Its intersting to see that there are many more reasons for gambling and not money and I can definately relate to them and work on them to rid the urge we get for gambling. Some things I related to were :

A) Problem solving opportunites where you have stylised risk taking, overcome the odds and beat the system

B) The BUZZ - Living on the edge, emaotional rollercoaster and coping with boredom

C) Entertainment where winning is just the bonus

D) Social acceptance where being part of the in crowd

E) Self image - the feeling of power, feel like a winner, skilful and being in control

F) The big win (hope) - you chasing the losses and near wins, feeling lucky and the quick fix opportunity.

The above are just some things I could relate to and start understanding my problem and begin dealing with it.

We will also discuss the causes of gambling like  lack of self control/willpower, addictive personality, bad habit, behavioral disorder and a form of self medication. 

For me gambling is about more than winning money. Why do we continue to gamble when we are winning and why continue to gamble when things are good and we dont need the extra money or report a sense of relief when the money we won is gone.

It was interesting writing down my thoughts on the percieved benefits of gambling. What was going on before you were gambling, what where the effects while you were gambling, what was your mood when you stopped gambling or lost all your money etc. This was intersting digging deep into my mind and writing down how you feel when you gamble as for me the money was the side event and having the accolades of winning big on the roulette table by others and being admired was my buzz.

Also our attitude to money will impact on gambling attitudes and behavior. Its was interesting writing down how I handled wins and losses. Here is my comments on this:-

" I did handle wins differently. If I won big and left the pink £100 chips in a pile in front of me i would watch people look and think how good a gambler is he and he’s a player. You want this feeling that people admire you for winning. More often than not that pile of chips goes down and you lose it and you feel really ****** off. If I put the chips in my pocket I seemed to control the amounts I gambled and more often then not I would walk away and cash in the chips. So I’m guessing from this I like show boating when I’m gambling and winning big in front of people and showing the big I am. How so wrong was I. "

Looking forward to my session tonight and digger deeper and discussing with the others in the group there feelings and mechanisms for .

Things with the family are ok and settled. Money is tight but we cope. I've dropped off the forms for doing some volunteer work on as giving something back is important in my recovery.

Keeping focussed and sticking to the plan.

Posted on:
Wed, 04/04/2018 - 17:15

brewster180

Joined:
2015-07-05

Week 10 into my recovery

The 2nd session on gamcare was good. We discussed the various reasons why people gamble and discussed in detail the causes of gambling. For me the gambling ended up more than just winning money and we probed the others areas and the adulation received from when winning on the table was the high I sought. Strange but true as if it was money then I would have stopped when I was winning. Discussing the perceived benefits of gambling was interesting. One of my comments on this was :- 

" I mentally convinced myself that I was going to win all my money back if I stuck to a plan and won a certain amount each visit. Every time I borrowed money this was my thought process and as I had some successes you mentally convince yourself that you will win next time. It’s a terrible cycle to get into. "

How do you deal when gambling thoughts come into your head :-

" When the gambling thoughts come into my head i have learned to think straight away of the devastation I have left in my gambling and the impact it has had on the family. They should be enjoying their life, like their friends, and we scrimp and save as I’ve blown it all away.

Self excluding from all forms of gambling is good as well as not outlets available to go gamble and no temptations. "

No session this week due to easter but next one is next week.

The interview process is still ongoing and have next interview on April 11th. Fingers crossed.

I start my 1st voluteering work this weekend and looking forward to that. Good to give something back. Also looking to help other local charities later this year.

Things at home the same just need to land this job to start everything rolling again. 

Keeping the focus

 

 

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